Conditions of the Heart
by masterphantom05
Summary: The sequel to the Bet.
1. Chapter 1

Title- Conditions of the Heart sequel to The Bet

Rating- M

Pairing- Olivia and Natalia

Disclaimer- don't own any of the gl characters owned by someone else

**p.s i can not promise this story will ever be finished. i just thought i would put up the first few chapters i have done. Some of them have been edited form thier original form on other sites.**

All mistakes are mine, blame the public school system

**May 2019 Natalia  
**

I'm pacing this stupid observation box like a caged animal. Below the doctors and nurse are working frantically but it's not fast enough for me. Three words I never wanted to hear stop me from wearing a hole in the carpet. My heart suddenly becomes heavier than my body can hold. I feel it drop pass my stomach on to the floor. I press myself up against the glass, trying to get as close a possible to my wife.

"We're losing her!" Doctor Rooks worked frantically, trying to start the new heart. "Come on Olivia. You've been a pain in my ass for the couple of months now. Don't give up."

The electrical paddles gave another sharp jolt.

"Flat line. Clear!" The room fell silent again as the electricity shocked the heart.

"Jamie, stop. It's been 30 minutes."

"One more time! Clear!"

**2010 **

**Natalia  
**

I'm sitting in this fancy restaurant, complete with a candle lit table. The flames dance wildly on the table and I couldn't be more disinterested in them, cause right now my date is conversing with some blond. They've been talking for over three minutes. I know cause I check my watch every 30 second. Now I know how Olivia felt at the bar.

I know her from somewhere I just can't remember. I do know the way she is looking at Olivia they've done something, something I would rather they both forget. I'm not going to say anything because then I'd crazy as Nicholas was. Sometimes I sit and think way too much. I think sometimes about why Olivia would want someone like me, damaged. Is it because she thinks she's damaged too. Is she settling? She has to be. With all the woman out there she could have found someone better, prettier, smarter, or just all around better, Nicky always did.

Sometimes I think about her leaving us. Those are the times I feel most unstable. It's funny because I have this picture of her running up a hill away from me, but I'm behind her, children in hand. Maybe I am crazy or damaged. Maybe that's why it's hard to feel happy sometimes. It all feels temporary; life, love, stability. What most troubles me is Nicky. I just know one day when I am the happiest I have ever been his death will come to bite me in the ass. And what will I do, go to prison, leave Rafe and Emma with my mom.

I wish I could tell Olivia and I want to, but this woman is grating my nerves.

The woman is laughing a little too hard and leaning a little too close to be a friendly. For the whole conversation her hand has found a way to touch Olivia.

I'm at a fancy restaurant, with a woman people would pay to be around. I should be happy she even looked at me. My insecurities rear their ugly heads as I try to focus on the dancing flames.

** OLIVIA**

I make my way back to the table ending the conversation with Anna. _It's good to see her clean_. I could feel Natalia staring at us. I also know its still a fragile situation we've created. "What do you know they did have apple juice. There you go superman. And this is for you." I hand Natalia a white rose before sitting. _Oh there they are. _A full dimpled smile aimed at me, as Natalia takes the rose. The fire creates a glow on her face that makes me want to stay in this moment forever. I want to say something poetic, anything. I knew I should have majored in English or something. My plan in life was never to woo anyone. My plan was to get as much money and power and possible and they would line up to be at my side. It worked until now. Now I want to think of something really romantic something that will make her smile, anything.

"What's in this apple juice?" Rafe wiggle happily next to me.

"Sliced apples."

"Cool." Rafe says around a mouth full of fettuccini.

"Rafe manners." She has to remind him at every meal. She turns to me and I already know what she's going to say. "I'm sorry I couldn't find a baby sitter."

I hate it when she sounds like that, defeated. I really do, I hate it when she apologizes when I've already told her a hundred times it okay. "For the umpteenth time, I love having them with us. This restaurant is boring anyway. Isn't that right?" I reach over tickling Emma's chin. The little girl sat in her carrier which sat in two chairs. She giggles as her legs kick at the attention I give. I can't help but think what her life would be like if Nicky.

"You're going to spoil her."

"That's what I'm here for. You can be the disciplinarian." I'm going to shower these kids with any and everything.

Natalia feigns hurt. "Why do I have to be the bad person?"

"Cause I'm the cool parent." I laugh as Emma reaches for me. I can't resist her. I pick her up settling her back against my chest. I know she just nosy, can't stand not being part of the action. She is already spoiled. And I plan to keep it that way.

"Olivia? Do you like apples?" Rafe asked busy fishing out the apples at the bottom of the glass.

"Green, not red." I answered before taking a sip of water. My mouth stays dry around Natalia. I stumble over words and stutter like a fool.

"I like both, the green taste good with caramel and the red ones with peanut butter." He wiggles happily in his chair as he caught an apple.

"Peanut butter?"

"Yea and crackers."

I give Natalia a questioning look.

"Cravings. What can I say?"

Anna comes over and takes the plates.

I can practically see the daggers being thrown at Anna from Natalia's eyes.

"So, um, how is the job going?" Trying to break the tension.

"Blake has been really flexible and patient. I really like it. It keeps me busy and most of the work I'm able to take home."

I have to bite my tongue from saying what I want to say. I know she wants to work. Maybe it's the provider in me that wants her to be at home. "I still say you should have taken the job I offered."

"As your personal assistant? We both know how that would have ended." She reasons.

I think of a retort, 'in the bedroom with you under me',but I resist cause Rafe is there.I play around it. "Is that such a bad way to work?" I would let you get on top,I think.

She blushes. The two children off in their own world.

"I was actually thinking about starting a nonprofit organization."

"About what?" It's the first time I've heard of this.

"Helping women, who are in unhealthy relationships?"

"Natalia, I don't know." I can't let her torture herself like that.

"I know, but I want to help. I'm sure it will be hard at first, but at the end of the day I want to be able to say I tried to help someone else. You helped me."

"Well, you helped me first." Now if I can just get Rodney where I am. "If you need money I can help get you started." I know she won't take it, too proud for her own good.

"No I want to do this. I just need to do more research on how to get grants and state certification for some services."

"At least let me give you a donation, when you get started."

"When? If."

"You will because you are smart, beautiful, and pretty convincing when you want to be. Did I mention gorgeous. Isn't she?" I tickle Rafe under the table. He squirmed laughing too hard to agree. If I have to remind her every second of everyday how beautiful and smart she is, then I will dedicate my life to coming up with creative ways.

**Natalia**

We arrive at the front door, Olivia holding a sleeping Rafe.

I've tried several times to unlock the door. The nervousness of having Olivia so close is playing with my hand eye coordination. We promise we'd go slowly, but my body has a different ideal.

I finally get it open. She follows me to the back of the rented two bedroom apartment. It's the best I can do now. Olivia takes Rafe to his room. I gaze at Emma in her crib. It was different this time around. Nicky wasn't there to wake her up in the middle of the night, breaking things.

Olivia stands just outside the bedroom door. I know she's afraid.

I turn to her, a little afraid myself. I can't look in her eye because I will probably jump her, with Emma sleeping a few feet away.

We both stand awkwardly wait for something, anything.

"I guess I better go, let you rest." She doesn't turn to leave and feel like I've just eaten sand.

I struggle to talk. "Maybe you could stay for a little while. If you don't have anything planned. I understand if you…"

"No, no. I would love to keep you company." Olivia smiled stepping all the way in the room.

I almost laugh feeling like she was some kind of vampire I had to invite in. Suddenly my nervousness takes a whole new form. _What if this apartment is some hole in the wall to her?_ "I don't have a television yet."

"That's okay we can talk."

We still stand in the middle of the room like two teenagers on their first date.

This is silly. We've already had sex and fought for our lives together_. _Still she takes the initiative, before me. She climbs onto my bed pulling me down to her.

I turn away from her. If I didn't she would already have an article of clothing missing. I pull one of Olivia's hands to my chest letting her feel my heart beating wildly. Calm down Emma is right there. Slow. I tell meself."Slow?"

"Right…Slow." She answers; I'm a little disappointed and little relieved.

"Olivia?"

"Yep."

"I don't want you to feel like you have to change or be extra sensitive for me. I know everything with Nicky was…I don't know, but I don't want you to have watch your every move because you're scared I'll run."

"I hear you." She pulls me into her. I stay awake until I feel her steady breathe on my neck. This feels like home, right here, no matter where we are.

I've been awake for almost an hour, but I can't leave the cocoon of Olivia's arms. I can hear Emma make noises and I know she'll be crying in a light peeking through the shade rouse Olivia, I can' help but hate the sun right now. I feel her hug me tighter before Emma starts to really whine. It not time for her feeding I already did that. She's just nosy, can't stand to be way from the attention.

I crack an eye open as Olivia untangles from me walking over to the crib. "Hey little one what's wrong?" God if I loved her anymore.

Emma stops whining when Olivia comes into her view. "Oh, you just want to see someone."

Olivia starts to make face at Emma, who giggles. Then she starts the age old game. I try not to laugh, a grown woman playing peek-a-boo.

"What are you doing to my daughter?"

"Nothing, she just like my face." Olivia teases.

"Then we have something in common." I stretch, being in one position all night as taken its toll on my body. Olivia stares down into the crib and I know what she's thinking. "Ask me."

"Were you sleeping with Nicky, when we…"

"It was once, I swear. I just didn't want to fight that night."

She nods. And I can't help but ask her a similar question. "Did you see anyone while I was gone?"

"No. I was kinda busy trying to track you down and then trying not to relapse."

"I think we really need to talk." It's long overdue. I guess we've both been too scared to approach the subject. Too much heart ache involved.

"Yeah." I know she's still hurt that I left. I wanted to call her, talk to her, but I couldn't.

"I did love you. I just had to be on my own."

"I know that's not the problem."

"What is?" She doesn't answer right away. After a few seconds she starts.

"Would you have shot me?"

The question surprised me. I never though she would ask about that day. "God no. I couldn't, even though I was mad about the bet. I still couldn't pull the trigger, not even with Rafe." I pick at the loose strings on the comforter. "You changed my life. The way I felt about myself. I couldn't kill that. I know I kind of helped you but I will forever be in debt to you."

She sits in the space in front of me.

"No you're not. You know I used to live life like there was no tomorrow. My business and drugs were all I cared about. But then I met you and everything changed. After I quit, everything was just so much better. I could image being happy without being high. I felt like you were sent from heaven."

"You are such a sap." I try to lighten the moment; if she keeps on I'm going to cry. The tears are waiting behind my eyes. Looking down at our intertwined hands, my hair falls creating a shield. I don't want her to see me cry.

Olivia brushes aside my hair running the back of her hand, down my face, "only for you."

"We made a new start, right." I know I've said it before, but we need to get everything on the table before we can.

"Yea, maybe this can work now."

"It's already working, I love you." I pull at the lapels on her wrinkled shirt, pulling her body on top of mine. "Slow?" I ask even though I'm the one pushing.

"Later." I feel her hand run over my ribs. Her lips travel to my ear lobe.

"Ma?"

I let out a frustrated sigh."Yes, Rafe."

"Can I come in?"

She rolls off me sighing herself.

"Yea, join the party." Rafe comes through the door jumping on the bed squeezing between us.

I love him to death, but I swear sometimes I think he listens just to burst in when things are getting good.

**OLIVIA**

God what time is it? 0603. I guess I'm not going running this morning. I should probably call Wolfe, knowing her she's already in the pent house with k-9 dogs tracking my scent. I thought she would have calmed down by now especially since Rodney hasn't be heard from for over 3 months.

It's a miracle Rafe isn't at the foot of the bed this morning; instead he's where he started with his hand wrapped in my shirt. I hope this isn't going to be a nightly thing. Even though we're taking it slow I would like it to be a possibility without third wheel.

Slowly I extract his hand from me. Even slower I climb off the bed, getting up one inch at a time.  
"Where you goin?" Rafe pops up as soon as I stand up.

"Shh, I have to make a phone call." I whisper deciding against putting on my shoes.

"Can I come?"

"I'm just going to the next room."

"Please." Without an answer he slips off the bed holding my hand in his.

I guess that's the signal for I don't have a choice.

I find my jacket on the back of the chair in the tiny dining room that connects the kitchen and living room. 10 missed calls already.

"You want some cereal?"

"No I'll pick some thing up on my way to the hotel." I listen to the phone ring which Rafe eats the dry cereal. "Hey Doris I was just calling to check in."

"Where are you, I have every fucking cop in the city looking for you."

"God would you calm down it's been almost a year I think I can handle myself now. I don't need you following me." Sighing loudly I try to stay calm and appreciative. I look at Rafe who has parked himself in front of the television for Saturday morning cartoons. "I love you, you know that and I know you're just trying to help but you can give me a little slack leash. I'm fine now."

"No you're right. Are we still on for lunch?"

"Yea I'll meet you in the lounge at 11."

"Okay, love ya."

"I love you to." I slip the phone back into my pocket, turning around finding Natalia leaning against the wall with Emma. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Um that was Doris just checking in with me." I don't know if it's a flash of jealousy or disbelief but it passes too quickly for me to contemplate. "I have to go home, can I see you later?"

Natalia lays Emma on her blanket beside Rafe. "Of course I'll cook dinner."

"Okay so I'll see you later." She walks up to me pecking my cheek. Still like a teenager I can feel my face heat up.

"I'll see you later."

"Wait, can I go?" Rafe jumps up from his cartoons running to his room, coming back with his shoes. "Can I go."

"Rafe I'm sure Olivia has a lot of work to do."

"Please Olivia, I'll be quiet."

It gets harder every time to deny him. Since they came back he has been at my side most of his free time. I don't know why but it bothers me that he even wants to be with m. I sure its because I don't know why he would rather spend time with me instead playing with his friends or watching t.v. I should get a television in my office for him to watch. "If it's okay with you he can come and I'll drop him off around 2."

"Okay, but go put on some real clothes first."

"Are you going to wait?" He stands there with one shoe on, looking from me to his room.

I don't know why he's so anxious, I've never left him anywhere before. "Of course I'll wait now go."

-8

We've practically moved in together. It's like we have two places, the hotel and the apartment. I like the apartment and she likes the penthouse. I peek over at the crib I bought for Emma. It's big enough for me and Rafe to climb in. Of course when she saw it, she wanted me to take it back. I only want the best for mine. The guest room is filled with video games and toys for Rafe. I want them to have everything I never had, even if she objects, even if they aren't mine, biologically.

I can hear his little feet walking the floor, for some reason he gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night and jumping in bed with us. And he is right on time. I scoot over to let him get in the middle.

"Olivia?"

"Yea, superman."

"If birds didn't have wings how would they get to the south?" I remember Sam's phase of asking off the all questions. Rafe pulls the covers up to his chin waiting for my answer.

"I guess they would have to walk."

"Would they fly faster if they had four wings?"

"I don't know, maybe." I pull him into my body. It seems to be the only way to get him to be quiet. As usual he throws an arm over me, laying his head on my shoulder. I can see us in the mirror above. As much as I hate Nicky I gotta thank him for this.

"Olivia?"

"Mhm."

"Can you be my second Mom?"

I was on my way back to sleep but that impossible now. His question is like a shot of caffeine. The wires in my brain misfire as they try to come up with an answer.

"You can marry Ma, if you want to."

"Um, okay." It's the best answer I can think of at the moment. After a couple of minutes he is gone back to sleep having no idea what his question has done to me.

After an hour I give up on trying to sleep. I make my way to the living room when the phone rings. I quickly answer it, before it wakes anyone up.

"Hello?"

"Olivia Spencer?"

"This is her, how can I help you."

"Did you think you would get away with it? I know what you did."

"Who is this, if this is a prank your phone is being tracked." I play dumb, contemplating my next move.

"Nicholas Aituro Sr. But you already knew that, didn't you."

I did and I've been expecting him. "Well I can see where your son got is ill manners from."

"Don't talk about my son that way, you piece of"

I cut him, "If anyone is a piece of anything it's your son." I can hear his temperature rising at the comeback. His breathe loud in the mouthpiece.

"You know your right he was a piece of shit, but he was my son and they are my grandchildren. Tell Natalia I called." He hangs up before I can reply.

I walk back into the bedroom to make sure everyone is still sleep. Of course Emma is awake. As soon as she sees me her body wiggles till she rolls over reaching for me. I slowly take her out of Natalia's arms. She shifts but doesn't wake up.

I'm not sure if I should worry her with the phone call or handle it myself. "What do you think baby girl?" I bounce her in my arms, spinning her around. She giggles before pulling at my night shirt. "There is nothing in these and you're not helping."

**Natalia**

I having a sneaky feeling that something is wrong. All week Olivia has been secretive, leaving the room before talking on the phone, closing the computer when I come in the room, things like that. It really has me on edge. Maybe she is cheating on me. I don't thinks that's the problem but it wouldn't be too out there. That's how we start it would only be karma that she cheats on me. The thought of it make me sick. I can't image not having her with me. Maybe it's because we haven't had sex. Maybe she bored with the part time family life.

It just doesn't feel that way when we are together. Her eyes never lose the love she has for me. She never fails to tell me she loves me or how beautiful I am. Maybe it's Rodney or Doris. It's really selfish of me but I can't help but resent the fact that Doris is always there. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't like me. It's just the way she looks at me or doesn't speak. She probably senses my slight contempt for her.

The door to the apartment opens as Olivia walks in. She always looks tired and somehow she still finds the time to play with Rafe and Emma. "Olivia, why don't you go take a hot bath while I finish dinner." I take the folders she's holding, giving her a kiss on the cheek. The heels she wears give her a few inches on me that never stopped me from reaching on my tippy toes.

"That sounds good. Today was horrible."

She walks down the hall, as Rafe runs behind her, with one of his new drawings. "Rafe!" He stops in the hall, facing the closed door.

"Come here baby." He slinks back to me. I bend down to his level. I can see the disappointment in his eyes as the routine has been broken. "Give Olivia a few minutes, she'll be out in a little. Okay?"

"But I wanted to show her my picture." He holds the paper up. It's a picture of the Beacon with a figure standing on the top.

"That's really good Rafe, why don't you finish coloring it before you show her, I bet she'll put it on the refrigerator." He faces brightens at the thought.

"Okay!"

He bunny hops all the way back to the living room. His happiness is all I need to see, to know I did the right thing. Ducking and dodging Nicky is not way for either of us to live.

He still hasn't figured out Olivia's moods and I know it is distressing to him sometimes. Olivia just wants to be left alone to figure things out and like him she won't speak a second before she has everything figured out. A nice hot showers and I'm sure her spirits will be much higher and everything in his world can go back to spinning.

All three of us sit around the table waiting for Olivia to come out.

She trots into the kitchen looking very refreshed. A shiver runs down my body, looking at her damp hair and clean face. She always looks beautiful, even more without her make-up.

"Smells great, Natalia." She says ruffling Rafe hair then sits down.

"Thank you. I'll say grace and we can all eat." I know she's not religious, still she slips her hand into Rafe's and mine.

**Olivia**

I hate washing dishes. That's why I live at the hotel. I have people that do this for me. I would have even gone with paper plates. But nooo, a little person named Rafe wanted to eat off the plates with the blue flower. I should have worn gloves, my hands are getting pruny.

Taking a plate from the hot water, I move it over to the drying rack, before I can sit it down it slips out of my hand. I watch it in slow motion as it drops to the floor. The loud sound of glass breaking reverberates through the small apartment. Even under my eye lashes I see Natalia flinch. She hugs Emma closer, who is in her lap, hovering over her, protecting the child from a nonexistent threat. Rafe is nothing but a blur when he bolts from his chair and down the hall. The door to his room slams shut after a couple of seconds. I can't do anything but stand in shock at how this all played out. I've never seen them act that way.

"I'm sorry it slipped." The words are meant to help bring Natalia out of her trance. I pick up the broken pieces, still trying to accept the situation. We can't keep avoiding this situation or what happened.

"Baby, it was an accident. Look at me." I throw the pieces of the plate away before slowly walking to her. She's shaking like one of those sick little dogs. "Baby?" She flinches again when I try to touch her. I pull back my hand.

She chuckles lightly, "So much for not being too sensitive, uh." She visibility relaxes. "Can you get Rafe, he's probably under the bed." Still she doesn't look at me or easy her hold on Emma.

I knock on his door before entering. I lay on the floor beside the bed, hearing the quiet sniffling of Rafe. I sliding one hand under the bed, my vision obstructed by the hanging of the sheets.

"Superman it's okay, you can come out. He's not coming back remember." He doesn't respond, but I can hear him breathing.

"Raphael, come here." I don't think I've ever called him by his whole name. It got his attention; he takes my hand crawling from under the bed. He's still shaking when we return to the front room. I sit down beside Natalia with him in my lap.

Emma seems to be the only one not affected by the pass few minutes.

"Why don't we get ready for bed?" I suggest, Natalia only nods and takes Emma into the next room.

"What if he comes back?" Rafe mumbles into my shoulder.

I hug him closer, kissing the top of his head. "He's not, I made sure of that."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" His arms tighten around my neck. It hits me why his been getting in our bed. He's having nightmares. I know Natalia has them too. Sometimes she fights against my hold on her, whimpering for Nicky to calm down, not to hit her. I feel helpless to help her or Rafe. All I can do is make promises and hold them, but it's not enough.

"It's okay to be scared sometimes Superman, but he's not coming back ever to hurt you or your mom. If you're having bad dreams you have to tell me so I can help you."

He nods his head crinkling his forehead in deep thought.

An hour later Rafe and Emma lay sleeping in between me and Natalia. Natalia has kept a comforting hand on Emma since the plate broke. It's probably more for her than Emma. Rafe finally went to sleep after we answered a hundred questions.

"Natalia?"

"Hmm."

Trying to approach the subject as gracefully as possible I take a deep breath. "I think maybe you need some help."

"With what?" She knows what I'm talking about. Classic avoidance technique. I used it all the time.

"For you and Rafe."

"We just need time to adjust." She continues to stroke Emma's back.

"I know you think it's over and done, it's harder than that. It can't hurt."

"You're right." She sighs. "I just want this all to be behind us, move on."

"I have a therapy appointment tomorrow maybe you two could come and talk to her." I reach over the two children combing my fingers through her hair. "Please."

"Okay. I guess it's hard to start over if we're stuck in the past." After a couple of minutes of my ministrations she falls into an exhausted sleep.

It's become a serious habit for me to stay up half the night watching them sleep. They look so peaceful unaffected by the tense moments of tonight.

**Therapy**

**Natalia**

11 am Saturday morning, I'm supposed to still be in bed sleeping. Instead I'm here at Olivia's therapy section. The pretty doctor insisted on talking to Rafe first and alone. I can't stand the thought of Rafe suffering from my mistake. I thought I had done a better job of protecting him from most of the abuse. I wish he would have said something earlier. He's been suffering and I haven't been able to help him. I should have know, motherly instincts or something.

"Don't worry, Lindsey is the best. And if there is a problem I reserved the whole day." Olivia whispers in my ear. The secretary eyes her computer screen; I can still tell she's listening.

The good Doctor Lindsey Golden steps out of the office again. I really look at her. She's skinny and tall, the high hells only exaggerate her height. Her orange red hair with a hint of gray at the root is tied in a long ponytail that she whipped around with every turn of her neck. I hate her already.

"Olivia. Mrs. Rivera. You can come in now."

We both follow her back into the room. It looks like typical therapy office from the movies. There's a couch, with a chair in front of it. Beside both of those furniture pieces sit a long leather chaise lounge chair. I spot Rafe playing on the floor with some of his action figures he bought.

I sit beside Olivia on the couch. Doctor Golden sits in the chair in front of us.

"Everything is fine. Rafe is a normal little boy. He is having nightmare, but not just about Nicky."

I let out a deep breath of relief. He's off in his own little world clashing the figure together.

"I would like to talk to him again, just to make sure nothing else is bothering him. I think the dreams will subside after awhile. It would help the process if both of you talked to him, to reassure him they're just dreams."

"Doc, I can't thank you enough." Olivia takes my hand, giving it an reassuring squeeze. "We just wanted to be sure."

"That's not all. I am concerned about this growing attachment to you Olivia. He thinks you're a superhero. You should really talk to him about that."

"I will. God knows I'm nowhere close."

"Good. He is fine, just needs a little reassurance about his safety."

"Doctor Golden, thank you for talking to my son." I tell her sincerely even as my jealousy rises at the way she looks at Olivia. I pull our hands into my lap sending a clear message.

"You're welcome. Olivia is one of my most valued customers and I would do anything for her." The way she said it, made the nerve in my eye twitch. It's like she is doing it on purpose.

"Well Doris is waiting downstairs for him. Superman you ready?"

"Yep." Rafe jumps up taking his action figures with him. Olivia gets up to walk him out.

"Olivia stay. Jane can walk him out." Dr. Golden says. Her secretary walks in the room taking Rafe out.

"Love you." I shout out the door after Rafe. "Are you sure she can handle both of them?"

"Yes, don't let her cold exterior fool you." Olivia reassures me. I have a feeling the next couple of hours are not going to be pretty for any of us.

**Dr. Lindsey Golden**

Oh this is going to be too easy. She's only been here two minutes and I already have her on edge. Olivia was right she seems flighty and unsure of life itself. I decide to kick things off.

"Just so you know Natalia, Olivia has told me a lot. I won't tell you everything she has told me but I have a pretty good background on your relationship."

"Oh, okay." That's all she says. Who says that? Okay? Fi someone I didn't know said I know something about you, you don't say oh, okay.

"I can tell you don't want to be here so let's make this quick. All you two have to do is be honest and things will go smoothly." I grab my pad and pencil off the table. "So let's talk about your first problem. Anyone want to start?" They both sit quietly, avoiding the issues. "No takers. Okay, let's start with why you don't love each other anymore."

"What!" They almost got it in unison.

"I love Natalia with all my heart. She's the first person I've ever cared for, you know that. Natalia knows that, I would do anything to make her happy." Olivia is nearly shouting. Natalia puts a comforting hand on her forearm, which instantly calms her.

I write that down. Point number one, _Control._

"So Natalia why don't you trust Olivia?" I try another avenue.

"I do." She says it softly.

"I don't think you do. Remember be honest and we can wrap this up quickly."

"I do…love Olivia. I know we haven't had the easiest time, but that is one thing that has always stayed stagnant." Her hand squeezes Olivia's arm, who smiles like she just receive a seal of approval.

"So you're telling me, from your first date also the first time you had sex, you've loved Olivia?" I raised my eyebrows in question. I also scribble on the pad just to irritate her.

"No not from the first time, but I felt a lot of emotions and a connection to her from the moment I saw her." She's obviously irritated but, she doesn't show it in her action or voice.

"Okay, Olivia tell my why you love Natalia?" I'm used to breaking Olivia down, maybe she will follow suit.

"I don't know. I just do. I love her brown eyes, her body. I love the conversations we have. I remember that time she forgot she was paying for dinner, when she showed up she only had four dollars. We ended up going to McDonalds and sharing a happy meal." Olivia stares at Natalia with all the love in the world. I'm a little jealous, if I were to tell the truth.

"You told me about that." I say to her. Natalia smiles but it quickly disappears. She stares down at their intertwined hands in her lap.

"Natalia?"

She looks at Olivia, talking as if I were not in the room. "Um I don't know. I just do. I like the way you make me feel. The way you look at me when you're across the room." Her voice is still low. Nicky has trained her good. She shows little to no emotion even when she's mad.

I have to get her to show me something, otherwise she'll be in her shell around Olivia. "You know what I'm hungry. Olivia, why don't you go and get me something."

"Subway, right?"

"Mhm, no go to that little deli further down, the one we go to." Natalia tweaks her neck like she has a strain.

"Meatball marina on Italian bread, right?" I see Natalia flinch again at Olivia's knowledge of my food choice.

I lean forward making my voice flirty, laying my hand on her knee. "You know me so well, Olivia. That's why you're my favorite patient."

Olivia gives me a bewildered look, before turning to Natalia. "You what anything?"

"No I'm fine, thank you." She gives Olivia a weak smile, her eyes drop back to her hands delicately folded in her lap.

"Don't be long Spencer you know how I hate to wait." I give a flirty laugh. "Now scram. Go." I swat at Olivia's behind as she leaves.

"Whew, that woman is something else." I laugh. Natalia's already on the verge of tears or screaming. "You really hit the jackpot there."

"What are you talking about?"

"YOU!" I laugh loudly." I mean I've seen some pretty good gold diggers but you take the cake." Come on fight back. Her eyes fill with disbelief. "First you get her to stop drugging, can't have your son around that. Then you get her to kill your husband." I throw my hands in the air. "Talk about a novel based on a true story. No you got a meal ticket for life. I don't know how you did it but you got her wrapped around your little finger." I sum up my best smug smile. Her face turns a bright red. I can tell she's about to burst with anger.

"That's not true I love Olivia. She's wasn't my way out."

"Oh, of course. Riiight." I wink at her. "I hear you. But there's just one little snag in your hustle." I lean forward before continuing. "Me." Fight back.

Her eyebrows shoot up, almost comically. "You?" That kind of sounded like a dare.

"Yes, me. Me and Olivia have a sort of bond. I know all her deepest darkest secrets. And when you were gone we grew some much closer. A shoulder to cry on, you know." She visibly shirks into the couch. Fight back, damn it. "Every day she would come. We would have lunch and talk all day." I laugh whimsically, "There was this one time, I was coming out of the grocery store and there she was, offered me a ride home. She pushed one button on her phone and a slick black limo pulled up." Once again her eyes fill with tears, she wraps her arms around her body. "I was this close to getting in, fucking her right there in the parking lot."

She shakes her head in disbelief. Her husband trained her good. Most people would have told me off and left, not her, she sits there silently taking every hit. I might have to step it up a notch.

"Olivia wouldn't do that." I can hardly hear her even though it's dead silent in the room.

"Oh, no! Isn't that how she got you and so many others."

"No."

"Yes Natalia. She's no good. You were gone for months you think someone like Olivia is going to wait for you. I bet you weren't missing out on the action either." My voice rises in volume with every word. She shrinks further into the couch, trying to blend in.

Lowering my voice I take more digs at her. "We had a good laugh on your behalf. All the times she called MY name not yours. I can still remember being in her room in all my glory. Her hands running all over my body. Pulling my hair." I have to take a breath, I was getting myself hot. Yep and there go the water works. "As I looked in that mirror with her licking my"

"YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH RIGHT NOW!" Before I can blink, she out of her seat, leaning over the table in my face. "You don't know me or what I've been through. I would never do anything to hurt Olivia. I DO love her, more that you or she will ever know. I would never do anything to hurt her. Her money or power matters to me, only her. That's all I ever wanted." She deflates flopping back onto the couch. "I never wanted that on her soul. It should have been me who dealt with Nicky. I just didn't know how." She wipes a few stray tears away. "I love everything about her. And yes I was kind of a hypocrite when we were together. I asked a lot of her when I couldn't give a lot, but I wanted to. I wanted to give her everything I had, I couldn't."

"And now?"

"And now I'm trying. I AM. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING THIS TO WORK AND IT IS. So you can keep your lies and observations because I don't need them or believe them." She stares defiantly at me, like she's won.

"Good now I know where to start." Her smug look turns to a bewildered amazement. I walk to my desk pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. Getting people to explode is like sex for me, and that was a good one. For a second I didn't think I was going to break her. Letting out the thick smoke I walk back to my chair.

"Do you get off on this?"

"Sometimes." I shrug my shoulders. "Now that we have a foundation let's build from there. No more silent Natalia. You're a woman, not a dog."

"A dog?"

"Yes a dog. Obviously Nicky missed his calling as a trainer. He trained you very well."

Natalia gasp at my statement. "It's true. He trained you to be quiet and take whatever you get without question or fighting it." She deflates knowing the truth in my words. "If Olivia wanted a dog she'd go to the pound. She wants a girlfriend so, how about you straighten that weak spine of yours and step to the plate."

She nods her head.

"Like I said earlier honesty, it will be quicker and painless. What's the problem?" I sit back in my chair, waiting for her to collect her thoughts.

"I don't know why she wants me. She **could** have you and every other woman in this town."

The door opens as Olivia rushes in. "I know you said you didn't want anything, but I got you something just in case." She must have noticed the change in the air; Olivia looks at me like I grew a second head. "What did you do?"

"Nothing and you have the best timing."

"Why?"

"Why don't we break for lunch, be back in one hour." I take the sandwich from Olivia.

**Natalia**

The elevator reaches the first floor in record slow time. I push the glass door so hard it bangs against the outside brick wall. For a second I was scared it would shatter.

"Natalia!" Olivia calls my name. She must have took the three flights, four steps at a time. Still I keep walking. I don't want to fight her just the stupid woman upstairs.

"Natalia, what happened?" She catches up with me in the alley way.

"Nothing." My voice hard with anger. I can't even look at her right now, even though in my heart I know she was lying.

"Did she say something to you?"

"Yes…no." I deflate feeling Olivia's concerned touch on my shoulder.

"Was it the sandwich, cause I got your favorite."

"No, god, I don't know. She just made me so mad. I've never talked to anyone that way…She was saying all these things about you and her and me. I just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore." I take a deep breath gathering the courage to ask my question. "Olivia why are you with me?"

"What?"

"Why are"

"I heard you." She cuts me off, the hurt shining bright in her eyes.

"Would you let me go?"

"Not without a fight," she sighs audibly "but I won't fight you. If you don't want to be here than tell me now." Olivia leans against the brick wall, staring at her shoes.

"But I don't want to leave. I want you. I just need to know."

"So go through the list." Olivia leans against the wall beside me.

"You have money." I say the first thing that pops into my head, it's ridiculous.

"I have money more than I know what to do with." She replies.

"You have cars."

"Got seven of them and a chauffeur. And I have a private jet and a yacht." That's the first I've ever heard of a private jet. "I have clothes, two walk-in closets full, lined with shoes and accessories. I got friends, although since I stop drugging there are less of them. I have a chosen family that's just as annoying as a real family. I have women lined up to get in my bed. So what other reason would I be with you if I didn't love you?"

"Pity?" Its the real reason I asked. I don't want her pity. I don't want her to think she has to be with me because of what happened.

"I've never offered anyone pity and I don't want yours. Pity will only get you so far. "

"So you love me and I love you." It's that simple when I think about it, so why am I making it so complicated.

"I guess that's what it comes to."

"I think I'm making this harder than it has to be."

"It understandable. You don't want to risk going through what you just came out of, but you have to trust me when I say I love you and I want to be with you and only you. I don't know how to prove that to you besides time." The sincerity in her voice breaks the last bit of restraint in my will. I pull her into a mouth crushing kiss.

"You don't have to prove anything, Olivia. I just let Dr. Golden put doubt in my mind." I pull her back into the building. It's time the Doctor met Natalia Rivera.

"You just have to get to know Lindsey; otherwise she can come off as a bitch."

I think we made out the whole way up the in the elevator and in the hallway. Something in me had to claim Olivia before going back in. I pull Olivia back into the room and Doctor Golden is sitting on the couch eating my sandwich.

"Oh your back I wasn't expecting." A slick smile spreads across her face. "Olivia why don't you sit beside me." She pats the couch cushion beside her.

I don't know if Olivia would have or not but I don't give her the choice. I push her into the chair formerly occupied by the doctor and sit in her lap, wrapping her arms around my waist. "She's fine right here." Your turn. I challenge the other woman with my eyes. Olivia must be in shock, she's hasn't said a thing.

"I really hadn't expected you to come back." Her eyes squint holding my stare.

"Where else would I be?"

"Oh I don't know the kitchen…floor or a nice little corner." Her voice is annoying, now.

"What would a kitchen floor be without a naked Olivia…squirming on it." Olivia gasps behind me and Doctor Golden breaks out in a loud laugh.

"Did I miss something while I was gone?"

"Oh you are good…that was good. Why don't you two take this seat and we'll start again. No more provoking." She raises her hands in surrender. We switch places settling in for the long ride.

"I don't like you." It slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"My patients usually don't. So let's start from the beginning." She picks up the pad and pencil off the small table. "How do you remember that night, Olivia, when you first met and when you first had sex."

"Oh that's simple. The first night was all me. I looked pretty good but Natalia was gorgeous. Even though all she had on these blues jean and a shirt. It was kinda like in the movies where everything stops and music plays. I saw her walk in and was mesmerized." A dreamy look forms in her green eyes.

"Were you high?" Lindsey asks the question I was thinking of.

"Yes. So any way I approached her but she kind of blew me off. I was ready that night, but I backed off when she seems hesitant. The night we had sex it was all her. I gave her a tour of the hotel. Then she didn't want to leave. She was all over me, begging to stay."

"Oh MY GOD OLIVIA that is not true!" I almost yelled in amusement, slapping her shoulder playfully. "It was all you BOTH nights. I went up to your hotel room and you showed me around. When I tried to leave you pushed me up against the door. You were the one begging."

"ME?"

"Yes, YOU!" I shoot back at her. I can't believe we are even having this conversation. "What fantasy land were you in?"

"I guess the one where you wanted me. I wasn't altered that night so I think I know what happened?" She smiles at me.

"You must have been high that is not what happened." She shakes her head. I decide to fight dirty. Leaning in as close as possible, my chest placed against her shoulder, I whisper loud enough for the doctor to hear. "So you're saying that if I was to walk out that night you would have let me." I feel her shiver under my assault.

"Yes, no. Maybe I did…uh…say that."

"Say what?"

"I…forgot what we" her eyes drop from my face to the opening of the top of my shirt. "Maybe it was me."  
"That's what I thought." I sit back against the couch. I hear Dr. Golden snicker behind her note pad she's holding over her face. She clears her throat before continuing.

"Natalia, what are your goals in life. Is Olivia in the future?"

"Of course she is." I wrap my arms around Olivia's arm, laying my head on her shoulder.

2 hours later, I don't know when but all three of us are sitting on the floor. I'm sitting between Olivia's leg and Dr, Golden is sitting across from us. They're teaching me how to play Gin.

"Put this one down, keep this one." Olivia instructs me.

"It is normal to feel that way Natalia. You don't want anyone to have more power than the other. Coming from a place where you had no power." Lindsey says focusing on her cards.

I lay the card down on the stack. "I know but I don't what it to be everything. Constantly balancing power. Sometime one person should have most the power."

"Like in the bedroom?" She picked the card up laying another down.

"Why is it always about the bedroom with you?"

"Because people that come out of abuse relationships such as your self have intimacy problems."

I pick up the card she laid down. "We didn't have a problem before."

"Why do you think you went along with the affair?" I was waiting for her or Olivia to ask that question.

Why did I do anything I did? Why did I agree to marry him, why did I go back for more every night? "I don't know maybe because I wanted Olivia and a part of me wishes Nicky would find out and leave or put me out of my misery." Olivia squeezes my midsection and kisses my neck.

"So you didn't have a problem then, so what changed?" She draws from the deck, grimacing at her pick.

"I don't know. I want to, but I think it's too early. We're still getting to know each other."

"That's true. Both of you have power issues. With Olivia suffer from a sexual assault and you from an abusive husband. You still want each other, but now that the barriers are gone it would be too easy for the other to see the part you don't want them to see." Doctor Golden lays down the card I been waiting on. "Let me tell you something I once heard. Everyone has a space inside of them. That's just them, unspoiled by others. Sex and relationship cloud that space, opens up a door for others to get in."

"OH, Goldfish, I mean Gin!" I lay my hand down as she throws hers down. "I guess you're right. Everything just seems so raw now. I don't want to be damaged; I want it to be perfect when it happens."

"Me too." Olivia whispers in my ear.

"Neither of you are damaged and it will be. Just don't rush it. Let everything flow at a slow pace and things will fall into place." Doctor golden gets up from the floor, stretching. "I'm going to suggest a game for you two. It's called the truth game. Someone asks a question and you have to answer it truthfully. If you don't answer both of you write it down so we can discuss is when you come back. You can't ask two questioning row and no more question until the first is answered. It's simple. Olivia why don't you start, asks a question."

"Okay. Natalia how many people have you been intimate with?"

"Three." That was a simple question almost too easy.

"Three!" They both say at the same time.

"Yes three." I get a little defensive.

"God, I've sleep with more than three people at one time."

"Doc, that is way too much information." I didn't want to know that now I have a mental image forming.

"What about you Olivia?" I ask.

"Truthfully I lost count in college. Most of the time I was so high I had forgotten I had had sex until someone told me later that night." It's a little unsettling thinking about all the people that know Olivia like I do.

"Olivia you might want to elaborate." Lindsey suggests.

"Oh, but I was always on top, sometimes I never even took my clothes off." I crane my neck to see Olivia behind me.

"Olivia has a problem with letting others control sex as you might have noticed. She doesn't like people to touch her." Lindsey pipes in.

"God Lindsey what happen to patient doctor confidentially?" Olivia almost shouts in my ear.

"You said don't let you hold anything back. She needs to know." She retorted back.

"Know what?" I hate to be left out of the loop when I'm in the room.

"Olivia, tell her." Lindsey tells Olivia. I still don't like her; she knows too much that I don't.

"I haven't let anyone inside me."

"Wait I…" I try to think back to all the times we had sex.

"Maybe with your tongue but not anything else." I know I've turn beet red. Lindsey is just sitting there looking rather bored.

"Because of him." I go for the obvious answer.

"No." Olivia gets up from behind me, walking over to the other side of the room. "Because one time I thought I was over it and I agreed to have sex with this woman. But I froze when she tried to…" she clears her throat, "inside me…She got mad and held me down…Finally she left, called me a tease."

I look at the Doctor who scolds a little.

"Olivia why didn't you say anything?" I ask and she just shrugs her shoulders. I hate it when she does that, because I know she wants to tell me.

"It doesn't matter." Olivia stands up watching out the window.

"No, Olivia come back here." I stand waiting for her to move. When she doesn't I walk over to her. "I don't care what happen, when, how or where, no means no. I wouldn't force you to do anything you don't want to, you know that. Don't you?"

"Yes."

"Good." I drag her over to the chaise and push her down onto it. "You want to know what my dreams are about, right. It's about you, your safety. And I can't do anything but stand there while Nicky shoots you or worst. I didn't do anything then, but I am now. So don't expect me to stand here and watch you suffer." I sit beside her. "Tell me."

An hour later I've hear about everything I can stand. I never knew one person could hold so much shame and guilt. At least it's all in the open, I know.

"Let stop for a second and take a breath." Lindsey jumps in after Olivia and I fall silent. "Let's talk about boys." She lays out on the couch. "Have you seen the new cop, he's gorgeous. If I were straight I would have been hit that."

The weeks pass, we are almost where I want us to be. Olivia seems distracted sometimes. She hesitates before picking up the phone. She constantly looks around, like she is hiding from someone. I can't take it anymore. We're supposed to be a team and she's hiding something. She's standing on the other side of the hotel living room. Adjusting the papers on the desk. She done it three times now. "Olivia, what's wrong?"

"Huh, what?" I know she heard me. I look her up and down. She shrinks into herself, knowing I know something is wrong.

"Nothings wrong, why would you say that?" She's lying and we both know it.

"I thought we were a team."

"We are!"

"I thought you trusted me." I just need to know its not something I did.

"I do!" She walks over to me, taking my hands in hers.

"If you don't want me anymore…" And that the thought that hurt more than any bruise Nicky produced.

"What! NO! God, no. I love you."

"Then why won't you tell me what's going on? If I did something…" I hate being this way, paranoid.

"No, I just…I just don't want you to worry."

"Let me make that decision. Stop trying to control everything." The tears blur my vision as I look into her eyes. She catches one with her fingers as it rolls down my cheek. I lean into the contact, wanting nothing more but to believe her.

"It's Nicolas's dad." She sighs and I almost wish I hadn't asked. "He called me one day saying he was going to have me arrested for killing Nicky."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to leave me, again." The pain in her eyes makes me flinch, it also has me curious about who left her first or if was all me. "I have Doris looking into it."

"Okay, okay. We'll figure something out." I say to me and her. The panic starts to rise as I think about what he could do. How he always helped Nicky out of near impossible situations. The clout he holds in Chicago far exceeds the clout Doris or anyone else has.

"You got something in mind cause I'm all out of ideals."

"I told you Olivia I don't want you to protect me. It's both of our jobs to protect each other. Don't keep things from me." I know it's a moot point. When Olivia wants to do something she does it.

"We just have to keep Rafe and Emma close. Tell the school not to let anyone get him except us. And stay on alert in case he tries something. If all else fails, we'll figure something else out." I say it to her, reminding myself not to run.

**Olivia**

Right now I can't let the threatening phones calls bother me. The worries of the day fade away when Natalia is near. It's been such a great day. After Natalia got back from church we all went to the park and got a hog dog. I see various people on the street looking our way. I know what they are thinking cause I think the same thing sometimes. _Who would have ever thought Olivia Spencer would be walking down the street pushing a stroller_. _Not me. _Natalia and Rafe walk beside me eating away. My cheeks hurt from smiling all day.

"Olivia?" She looks at me with so much love sometimes, I still don't believe it.

"Yea, babe."

"Nothing it just looked like you took a trip without us." Rafe laughs at her joke. He skips faster ahead of us.

"Rafe slow down!" I know she worries about his safety. Since he was taken by Nicholas started to make threats I do too.

I look down the street to see the new cop Remy Boudreaux sitting on his squad car, always looking serious. He's always sitting on Main street. or somewhere around the Beacon.

Rafe gets to the alley way, almost crossing it, until a car traveling down the street suddenly turns into it, nearly clipping Rafe. Natalia runs pulling Rafe into her arms checking him over. I catch up with them ready to give the driver a good piece of my mind. I think twice when I see the side of the car. _Chicago police department. _My heart drops as the man steps out of the car.

He's short, no more that 5'5. Almost identical to Nicky except he's overweight with a receding hair line. He walks around the car pulling his pants over his hanging belly.

I pull Natalia behind me, stepping in front of the stroller.

"Can I help you?" Addressing him in a non to friendly tone.

He doesn't answer as he leans on the car looking over my shoulder.

"Maybe." It sounds like an exhausted huff. "I came to see my grandchildren."

I can feel the fear coming off Natalia in waves. I step in his line of vision taking his eyes off her.

"It's not nice to keep children from their grandparents." He tries and fails to intimidate me with his hard stare. I give him one back ready for a throw down.

"It's not hard to see who's the man in this relationship." That stupid smirk Nicky used wear appears.

"I'll show you what a man is." I can already see where Nicky gets his hate from strong women from.

"Olivia Spencer. I know all about you. Your sheet is a long as the day. Drug possession, public nuisance, creating a disturbance, public intoxication, possession an illegal substance, contempt of court, failure to appear in court, indecent exposure, possession of a handgun and let's not forget alleged rape victim."

I know what his trying to do and it's working. I'm one second away from decking him.

"Let me add one more crime…murderer." He pulls out his handcuffs. "Olivia Spencer you're under arrest for the murder of Nicholas Aituro Jr." He reaches for my arm, but I quickly step back out of reach.

"I want to see a warrant."

"I am the warrant," I'm ready to knock the smug look off his face. "Don't add resisting." He steps forward. I ball my fist looking for his temple to lay him out.

"Hey, what going on?" Remy steps between us.

"None of your business, boy." The older man's eye squint, daring one of us to defy him.

Remy's face contorts in angry. "Did you just call me boy?…You got two second to get back in that car before I put this size 13 up your old ass." The taller man steps closer to Nicholas. Nicholas looks like a child next to the man. "You're out of your jurisdiction. I suggest you crawl back into the shit hole you crawl out of. And if I ever hear those words come out of your mouth direct at anyone, I'll fucking slap that shit eating grin off your face so hard your mother will feel it."

I like him.

Nicky Sr. slides from under Remy's shadow. "This ain't over. Next time you won't have this monkey protecting you." He runs to the other side of the car, pulling off, leaving rubber in the street.

"You okay Miss. Spencer?"

"Yea, I'm fine."

"Where did your friend go?" I look behind me to find an empty spot. _Shit_

"Remy, can you give me a ride?"

"Sure Miss Spencer."

"Call me Olivia."

**Natalia**

As soon as I saw the car, I knew who it was and why he was there. The blood rushed through my ears so loud I couldn't hear what he said to Olivia. As soon as I saw Remy coming our way I ran. I've only ran that fast once, when Nicky was after Rafe.

We get home in record timing, breaking every driving law in the books.

At the moment I can barely think, my thoughts are running to fast to catch one. I already packed Emma's bag and mine, just Rafe left. With Emma in my arms I walk through the apartment frantic. "Rafe! Are you ready?" He doesn't answer me and a chill runs down my back. I run the short distance to his room only to find it empty. "Rafe! Rafe!" The sound of the front door opening sends my heart into a tail spin. I sprint to the door calling Rafe's name.

The sprint comes to a halt when I see Olivia holding Rafe. I can see the panic in her eyes, knowing it's for a totally different reason than mine.

"Rafe go get your stuff." He clings tighter to Olivia's neck in defiance. I know he doesn't want to leave; I don't have time to explain things to him.

"But Ma." Rafe whines and I hate that we're in this position again.

"Superman why don't you go to the back so we can talk." Olivia puts him on his feet. He is slow to remove himself from the room.

"Natalia, what are you doing?"

"Leaving."I can feel her panic raises another notch at my answer.

"No you can't. You just got back." I can see the wheels turning her trying to find the right thing to say, but there is none. There never will be.

"I have to, Nicholas wants Rafe and I can't let him take my son."

"No one is going anywhere. Not Rafe, Emma, or you."

"What if he does, what if we can't stop him, what if…" All of a sudden the room is too small and I can't catch my breath. I feel the world shifting as me and Emma fall, only to be caught by Olivia. Somehow we get to the couch; I sit still struggling to breathe. She's taking Emma out of my arms. I want to struggle but the darkness takes holds me like a and body cast.

I wake up to music then _Pop. _The giggles of Rafe and Emma fill the room bring me to consciousness. Rolling over on the couch, I take in the vision of Rafe sitting on the floor between Olivia's leg. Emma is sitting in her walker watching intently as Rafe turns the lever. The music relaxing her for the expected surprise. _Pop. _Her head jerks back at the clown that popped up. She quickly recovers with a deep laugh, jumping up and down in the walker.

"How you feeling?" Olivia asks. I'm not sure if she talking to me or not, because she hasn't looked my way. She looks up at me, both her eyebrows up waiting for an answer.

"Better." Keeping my answer short for the fear she will know I'm lying.

"Ma, are we still leaving?" Rafe asks. Looking into his eyes, I know he's going to put up a fight to stay with Olivia.

"No one is going anywhere." Olivia answers for me. I can't second that opinion yet.

If Olivia though Nicky was bad, she hasn't seen anything. His father has connections that run deep in the underworld and the political world. I'm surprised it took him this long to surface.

They continue with their musical game as if nothing was threatening our little family we're trying to build. _Pop._

The next two weeks, the phone calls become more frequent. I try to stay strong for Rafe and Emma, they don't need to live in fear.

My hands incase Olivia's hand in my lap. Doris sits across from me and Olivia, flipping through the stack of papers.

"Nicholas Aituro, married three times. He definitely has a extensive history, you name it and he's been investigated on it. Been investigated for corruption at least ten time. Has ties with the Hammond Family. I hear they run the drug trade in Chicago and some other illegal activities. He's just as about corrupt and connected as you can get." She pushes the folder in front of us. "I'll see if I can round anything else up for you."

"What about an restraining order?" Olivia asks before Doris can get up.

"That's a start but its just a piece of paper. You need proof he's stalking you. Recording of the phone calls."

I hate to beg, but this is for Rafe's safety. "I know it is a lot to ask… Can you have someone look after Rafe. Like a police officer. Just to make sure he does try to take Rafe from school."

"No problem. I'll get Remy on the case. He seems to like you two for some reason. Like I said I'll keep looking and call you later." She gets up and leaves the coffee shop.

I flip through the pages. "She's right it's just paper, we need something to make him stop." I flip through more page until something catches my eye. "Olivia, look!"

"What." She scans the pages.

"Nicky never said anything about having a sister…Renee Walker"

"Maybe it was from a different marriage."

"Look…she works for the FBI. Maybe she can help." A spark of hope enter my soul.

It shows in her eyes too. "Won't hurt to call."

"Hopefully." She could be helping Nicholas.

"Don't worry about it. Nothing is going to happen." Olivia's arms slides around my shoulders, hugging me closer. "We just stick to the plan. No running." I'm sure its more for her peace of mind than mine.

"No running." I say in agreement.

Rafe sits in front of Emma walkers, showing her his action figure.

I've been on pins and needles all week. Rafe knows something is wrong, I just don't have the heart to tell him. He used to love seeing Nicholas. He clings to Olivia more that usual. At that thought I realize, Olivia's is late. She was supposed to be home 30 minutes ago.

The insistent ringing of the phone startles. I rush to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Natalia, its nice to talk to you when that god-awful woman is not beside you." I freeze in terror. He's has been calling, sometime 3 time a day. Every time its more chilling, the information he has.

"She is here."

"No she's not. I can see her now. And I must say you got taste. That green shirt really brings out her eyes." He laughs, it only serves to anger me.

"You better not touch her…"

"Or what Natalia? Exactly nothing, you never were a fighter."

"Why are you doing this?" I'm on the verge of panic. He could hurt Olivia or worse.

"She ruined my son's life its only fair I repay her the favor. Don't worry about her, just answer the door." The line goes dead, and there is a loud bang on the door.

"Rafe get Emma go to the back." I hold the phone wielding it like a weapon. Rafe pushes Emma's walker to the master bedroom closing the door.

When there no other noise I dial Olivia's number. The voicemail picks up. I try two more times with the same result.

I dial another number.

"Wolfe."

"Hello, Doris? Is Olivia there?" Trying to calm myself is proving unsuccessful.

"No she went to get us something to eat. Is something wrong?"

"Nicholas is here. I think is going to hurt her… Please can you go check on her."

"Yea, I'll call you from my cell." She hangs up before I can answer.

I go to the bedroom with Rafe and Emma, after calling 911. The seconds seem like minutes which seem like hours.

Finally the phone rings. "Hello?"

"She's not here." She breathes hard into the phone. "I tried to call her but nothing."

"Please keep looking. We're on the way."

"NO, stay there I'll send someone over. Just close the blinds and lock everything, the windows and doors." Doris hangs up. I already did that.

I try again to calm myself while reassuring Rafe and Emma.

I hear the door open and footstep start toward the bedroom. "Get under the bed Rafe." Rafe crawls under the bed, I take Emma out of her walker laying her on the floor beside the bed.

I hold the phone ready to use it as a weapon. The bed room door opens slowly.

I throw the phone down to the ground and run full speed throwing myself at Olivia.

"Oomph."

"Thank god you're okay!" My arm tighten around her neck, on the verge of tears.

"What's going on?" She pries my arms from around her. "What happened?"

"He was…here and you were…your shirt…your eyes and…" It can't make sense to her. I can barely make out what I'm saying.

"Wait! Baby calm down. Nicholas was here in the apartment." She walks out of the room to Rafe's room. "Where's Rafe and Emma? Did he take them?"

I catch up with her. "No, we're fine. He called and was watching you. And someone knocked on the door. He said they would." I catch my breathe.

"Shit, okay. Everyone is okay."

I nod, she still checks both the children over in the bedroom.

"Olivia we can't stay here."

"You're not leaving Natalia."

"I was thinking maybe we should go to the hotel. No one can get to the top floor without a key."

"Yea, that's a great ideal. Pack some clothes for you and Emma, I'll help superman." She picks Rafe up, he looks at me over her shoulder. I never wanted to see that kind of fear in his eyes. Nicky was gone, he shouldn't have anything to fear.

The knock on the door stops both of us from packing.

"I'll get it, stay here."

I stand in the hallway as she opens the door, blocking my view of the guest.

"It's the cops." She lets him pass. "He's going to escort us to the hotel."

I buckle Emma into her car seat then put our bags in the trunk of the car. Olivia and Rafe come out walking towards the car. He must have been really scared, he's changed into his Superman Halloween costume. It's almost too small. Olivia stops suddenly, while Rafe looks around suspiciously.

"See anything with your x-ray vision?" She winks at me.

"Nope, its clear." Rafe runs and gets in the car, while Olivia puts his bag in.

"X-ray vision?"

"Yep X-ray vision. If it helps him cope?"

I shrug my shoulders before getting in the car. _ I don't want him to cope, I want everyone to leave us alone._

When we arrive at the hotel, Rafe and Emma are already sleeping. Remy waits outside in his car.

"Go head and take Emma upstairs, I'll be there in a second."

"No, we have to stay together." She looks like she's about to protest then decides against it.

"Okay." We walk up to the front desk, greeting the young man who works it, Greg.

A type of de'ja vu hits me. I look around expecting to see Nicky at the high table. But there is no high table anymore. Olivia had the whole place redecorated. The lobby is bigger, with a daycare and a movie room on the first floor and glass gym on the very top of the hotel. Even he suite is bigger she got rid of the hallway.

"Oh god, Miss Spencer. I tried to call you, but your phone went to voice mail and I didn't know what to do." He talked so fast it was the only part I could understand.

"Greg slow down and tell me what happened." She juggles Rafe on one shoulder and his bag on the other.

Greg takes a deep breathe. "The policeman from Chicago came. They said they wanted to search your room."

"What!"

Emma jumps in my arms at Olivia's suddenly high pitch.

"Did you let them up?"

"Of not, but they kept threatening me. I told they needed a warrant, they kept pushing and pushing." His mood changed to something I couldn't put my finger on. "Until that talk glass of chocolate milk walked in and made them leave." He points outside at Remy.

It wasn't until then I realized he had very feminine ways.

"Okay, good. If they come back call me or Wolfe. Don't let anyone up except me or Natalia. I don't care if they do have a warrant." I love it when she gets protective a bossy. I probably would have already jumped her if it were not for the seriousness of the situation.

"Yes, ma'am."

We continue to the top of the building, settling in for the night.

We are all in the bed Emma and Rafe sleep in between us. Olivia laid him in the guess room, short afterwards he woke up.

"What cha thinking?" She asks. The moon light coming through the curtains is the only light in the room, still it bathe her face. Her eyes glowing.

Rafe's clinging to her even in his sleep. She rolls over to face me, running her free hand through his short curly hair.

"Rafe." I wonder if she knows some how I used to do that when he was little. It was the only things that got him back to sleep when one of Nicky' rage woke him.

"Don't worry, he's a tough little guy." She reaches out stroking my face, then Emma.

"I don't want him to be. I want him to be a child." I catch her hand before she retracts it, letting them fall in the space between Emma and Rafe

"We'll get through this." I believe her. It's the only thing I can do. "On the flip side we get an excuse to stay cooped up together."

"Which is always a good thing."

"Always."

**OLIVIA**

The next day Doris and I are still going through the pages.

"Did you ever get in contact with his daughter?"

"Nah, Natalia has tried a couple of times." I look across the room at Natalia. She is sitting on the floor playing with Rafe and Emma. Remy is sitting beside her. They both laugh at something and his hand brushes across hers. A tingle of jealous sparks in my heart. All I can think of is kicking him.

"Are you listening to me?"

"What, um, yea." I shake my head focusing on the papers.

"What did I say?" Doris cocks her head to the side her dark brown hair falling to on side.

"You said…Do you think Remy is after Natalia?" The words burst out before I can stop them.

"I didn't say…oh…oh… I don't think so. Plus Natalia wouldn't cheat on you."

"What do you know about him?"

"Nothing much. He's a good guy. Even volunteered to stand guard for as long as he is needed."

"Doesn't that seem weird to you. He's always there. He doesn't know us, so why is he so eager to help?" I don't know if this is motivated by jealously or my gut feeling.

"Can we concentrate on investigating one person at a time?" She opens her phone.

"Yea." I keep an eye on the man and MY family. He seems to be getting too close and I don't like it.

"Hey, I got her" She taps my shoulder. "Mrs. Walker, I'm District Attorney Wolfe of Springfield, Chicago. I need a word with you." I watch her talk to the illusive F. B. I agent. "No thank you so much. Anything you have will be most appreciated." Doris hangs up smiling.

"Well, what did she say?"

"She's coming tomorrow."

"I knew you were my friend for a reason." Too excited I hug her with the strength of a bear. I pull back a little embarrassed. She straightens her shirt, clearing her throat.

"Next time you do that, be prepared for me to get to second." I laugh at her attempt at playing it off.

**NATALIA**

Me and Olivia sit across the table from Renee. She's pretty, light skinned with long black hair and brown eyes, reflective of Nicky's with less anger.

"So your Nicky's sister." I can't believe I never knew anything about her.

"Yes, my mother was married to Nicholas's Father. Mr. Aituro."

"How?"

"When she was married to Nicholas they had Nicky. She said she couldn't take the abuse. She said when he saw I wasn't his, the abuse got worst. After about three year my father came back, from the army and took all of us away. When I was four he found us. We went back to Chicago with him. I saw him hit my mother every night for 4 years and" The anger in her voice chokes out the rest of her though. She takes a sip of water to calm herself. "One night we just left, while he was at work. I was 8 and Nicky was 10."

"Did he find you?"

"He did but my father protected us. He refused to let my mother leave."

"So you grew up with Nicky?"

"After a couple of years everyone could see Nicky was just like his father. He torture little kids and animals. He was constantly fighting in school and he jumped on me and my mother one night. After that my mother, refused to let him back in the house. He went home to live with his father. Every once in a while he would come back and stay with us for the summer. When he was 14, he was diagnosed as antisocial."

"No, when I met Nicky he was popular and always did nice things for people. He picked on some of the smart kids but everyone did." I don't know why I'm arguing with her. Nicky was crazy.

"Natalia he was crazy. He was a liar, a cheat, and a con artist. He used people until he didn't need them anymore. That's when he got violent." She gives me a folder. "He and Nicholas have no place in society. I, for one, am glad someone killed him." Out the corner of my eye I see Olivia flinch.

I flip through the pages. "What is all this?"

"We've been investigating Nicholas's connection with the Hammond Mafia family, ran by brothers Rich and Rick Hammond. If you read through, he has been giving them protection from the law in exchange for money and favors." She pulls the page out for the stack. "These are the money interaction that we have caught. Thousands of dollars going to and from his account. We think he is helping launder money."

"If we stop the money we can stop him." It was the first thing Olivia said since we got here.

"My thoughts exactly." She smiles.

"Why haven't you guys moved in?" I ask her. I don't want to get involved with the Mafia, nor do I want Olivia.

"We need more time. The evidence won't stand in court and we want the big fish not just him." She leans back in her chair. Something catches her eyes and she does a double take.

I look over my shoulder; Remy is standing at the door of the shop.

I lean across the table. "He's single, you know?"

I feel Olivia tense beside me. I lean towards her, whispering in her ear. "I'm not. I love you and only you." I squeeze her hand, reassuring her insecurities.

"I'm married." She shows us her finger with the rings. The look in her eyes tells me she is interested.

"Thank you Mrs. Walker. Is your mother still around?" Nicky never talked about his mother. I would like Rafe and Emma to meet their grandmother. Show them someone in the Aituro family is sane.

"Call me Renee. We're family after all. And no she passed away about 3 years ago." Renee's eye well up. "I even contacted Nicky. She wanted to see him. He didn't come to her funeral, said she wasn't his mother."

"I'm sorry to hear that. He never said anything to me." Why would he not tell me about his mother dying?

"He never even told us he was married. She always wanted grandchildren." She starts to gather her things.

"She sounds like a remarkable woman." I say, my mind a million miles away.

"She would have loved to meet your children. I'm going to stick around for the next day or so don't hesitate to ask me anything."

"Where are you staying?"

"The Beacon. Its just that way, I can walk." She stands up, waving us off.

"Olivia owns that hotel. Maybe later we can bring Rafe and Emma by. I'm sure they would love to meet you." I hope they take after her instead of their father.

"That would be great. Just call me later we can get together." She quickly walks away. It's a little rude to me. She is F. B. I, maybe she busy.

**Olivia**

I walk down the hall to Agent Walker's room to invite her to dinner. I stop short of my destination when I hear loud voices coming from the room.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" That's sounded like Renee.

"What am I doing, what are you doing? They could have already been dead. You're moving so slow." I should have trusted my gut feeling about him.

"We had to gather all the information we could before coming in here. You disobeyed a direct order, Remy. Do you think he's going to be happy?"

"I don't care if he's happy or not. You've been here two days, you don't know."

"Well I care. Stay out of the way."

"Do they know you're here?"

"No, I came to help."

"No, I'll do this myself."

"Remy, you think you can do it all by yourself. That's always been your problem."

"It's what I've been trained to do."

Remy walks out the door and down the hall, away from me. I'm stiff with anger. Renee walks out coming face to face with me. The expression on her face is priceless; she knows she's been caught.

"Olivia it's not what you think."

I waited in the empty parking lot down the street from the Beacon. It was the middle of the day just in case Nicolas tried anything. Someone might be able to help me. I should have brought Olivia with me, but she might have only made it worst. I don't want her to get hurt either. The police car swings into the parking lot. He stops in front of me jumping of the car.

"Its good to see you Natalia. We can get this over with, without that woman influencing you." He held a piece of paper in his hand. "This is the contract, all you have to do is sign it and I'll be out of your hair."

He lays the contract on the hood of the car. I skim over the words and two thing pop out. The policy is for a million dollars and Rafe is an beneficiary. Nicky never did anything for Rafe, this was the only things he had to give his son. "No."

"What?"

"This money is for Rafe, he deserves it."

"Are you crazy, you're going to sign this paper?" He grabs my upper arm, with bruising force.

"HEY." We both turn as Remy runs across the street, sliding his phone into his pocket. Nicholas lets my arm go stepping to the front of the car. "I thought I told you not to come back."

"Calm down, she called me." Nicholas smirks.

"Natalia?"

"I did but I changed my mind, this money is for Rafe." I grab the paper stepping beside Remy.

"You heard her."

"Who do you think you are? I could have both of you killed."

Olivia and Renee run up beside me. I didn't even hear them coming. Olivia pulls me to the back of the car. I give her a questioning look. "Remy called her. Said you were in trouble."

Remy walks pass me standing in front of Nicholas.

"What do you want monkey?"

"You really don't remember me?"

"I'm supposed to?" Nicolas tired to stand tall. Remy still towered over him.

"Remy and Renee." The piece click in my head as it does Nicholas's. That's why she was looking at Remy in the coffee shop. He knew who I was the whole time.

"Your slut of a mother tried to take my son but he came back, didn't he?" That stupid smirk appears.

Remy stayed calm, as Renee pulled out her badge. "FBI Agent Walker. You got two options Nicholas. You can leave and never ever contact Natalia and her children or I'll make sure to tell the others inmates you're a child molester."

"What? I never touch you?"

Remy shrugs his shoulders. "You touched my mother. It's only fair that they touch you. I hope you like to scrub other men's backs."

"I can't leave without that money. They'll kill me." Its the first time I've ever seen a flicker of fear in Nicholas.

"You come with me and I'll make sure you stay alive." Renee offers him. I have an conflicting feeling. One hand he should be scared for his life. On the other hand I feel sorry for him. At the end his life was meaningless, cause he based it all on controlling others.

Nicholas thinks about it for a minute, probably weighing his options. "I'll take my chances."

"Leave and don't come back." Remy steps aside. Nicholas gives us a hard look before getting back in his car and driving away.

"I need a tail on a white vehicle heading to Chicago. Labeled Chicago Police. License plate CP 2234." Renee snaps her phone shut. "I have to fly out, explain this to the bosses. Remy?"

"I'm going to stay. I kind of like it here." Remy looks at me with apologetic eyes. They both walk away leaving us alone.

"Baby what were you thinking?" The worry in her eyes makes me love her that much more.

"I just wanted him to leave us alone. I thought if I gave him what he wanted he would."  
"And?"

"And I think Rafe just inherited a half a million dollars." I smiled and reflect my happiness.

"I see now I can't let you out of my sight."

"Is that right?" I say, plenty of thought run through my mind.

"That's right. First thing in the morning I'm chaining us together." She hugs me around my waist.

"Can't imagine a sexier person to be chained to."

** Natalia**

The next two weeks pass without incident or a phone call. I'm relieved. I'm still a little miffed about me and Olivia's relationship. We've settled into pattern that works. It's not the day to day things, it's the times when I want her to be aggressive and she backs down. I know we said we'd take it slow and I meant it. I just want that old Olivia back. The one that made love to me and wasn't scared to touch me.

She stutters to ask me for kisses, she asks before touching me anywhere. In six months we haven't even made it past second base. All the tension is building inside me, threatening to burst out at any moment. I decide to take us to the next level.

After Rafe is sleep, I push Emma's crib into his room. She's gotten better at sleeping through the night, so has he?

I lay in bed in one of her oversized t-shirts, not bothering to where underwear. I didn't plan on wearing them for long anyway. She walks in the room in her pajamas, coming from the bathroom. "Where's Emma?" She sits on the side of the bed spying the spot where Emma's crib was."

"She's in Rafe's room. You seemed a little tense and I thought we could talk without interrupting her."

"Okay." She slides under the cover next to me. I wrap myself around her, trying to find the confidence to put my plan into motion.

"Tell me, how far do you think a long-neck can see?"

"What?" The question disturbs my courage gathering.

"Rafe asked me that today and I don't know the answer. I even tried to look it up. Nothing." Her hand rubs my back, slipping under my make shift night gown. The skin to skin contact has my mind reeling, sending a shiver down my back settling between my legs.

"I mean where does he get this stuff? Everyday it's a different question and I hate not having the answer." She is oblivious to the reaction of my body to her ministrations.

I move my leg resting it between hers, still talking, she opens up giving me space. _God I can't take this anymore. _I roll on top of her, pinning her body to the mattress, the cover dropping to our waist. I can feel every nerve standing at attention waiting for the next order. _It's been way to long._

"Uh, baby what are you doing?"

I show her by kissing her softly then hard as I grind onto the thigh I'm straddling. I hear a hiss come from her mouth and I know she wants this too. I kiss down he jaw and neck, sucking random places. I want to mark her, show everyone she belongs to someone, me. Her head turns giving me more access. I haven't forgotten where her spots are and I hit everyone, paying close attention to her reaction, moving to the next just to backtrack. One of her hands grab at the shirt only to quickly let it go, disappearing under the covers. We promised not to push, I need her tonight.

"Don't do that." I tell her before, hitting that spot below her ear. 'Bingo' Her whole body arches off the bed lifting me with it.

"Do what?" She pants.

"Hold back." I unbutton her pajama top on button at a time, following the path with my tongue, until I've undone the last one, just above the elastic of her pants.

"I don't…ah, god right there…want to…to push." I raise my head looking into her glazed over eyes. The fire in them consumes me, strengthening my resolve.

"Trust me, I want you to push." It sound so dirty, that's the way I wanted it.

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been surer of anything in my life." As soon as the words leave my mouth I find myself on my back, Olivia sliding her body between my legs. Her hands burn my skin as they run up and down.

"You feel so good." She mumbles into my collar bone. Her voice drops an octave and it does something to me I couldn't describe if I wanted to. I arch up as her hand gets closer and closer to where I want her, where I need her.

"You remember that time on the couch?" Her breathe hot in my ear assaulting my senses.

I remember that, the part of my brain in charge of language is shutting down. The only thing that comes out is a primitive sound, somewhere between a murmur and a moaned yes.

"I couldn't believe how sexy you looked in that sun dress." She kisses neck trailing to my collarbone. Her hand runs up and down my leg.

"You know how much I love it when you where my clothes." I arch harder into her stomach, my wetness leaving a river. She pushes the t-shirt up and off before kissing my stomach. I arch my chest trying to get her attention. She doesn't take the bait as she continues to kiss the flat area. I grab the pillow under my head holding on for dear life.

"I can still remember how you taste." A wet tongue swirls around my bellybutton nipping at the skin under it, and I lose it.

My hand twist in her hair holding her lips against my skin. Before I can stop or tame it, the fire runs through my veins, preventing my lungs from fully expanding. I try to catch my breath as my heart beats uncontrollably. The weight of the world disappears leaving me feeling like a feather caught in a wind stream. Its times like this, I hold on to her as if my life depended on feeling her. Times when I feel if she weren't anchoring me I would float away never to be seen again. Then I come back to my senses.

The embarrassment takes over as, I realize what just happened. I cover my face with my hands, trying to roll away. "That has never happened to me before." I offer up an excuse, sounding like a man making excuse for his less than satisfactory performance.

"Good." She slides up my body pulling my hands away from my face. "I want to be the only one who can and will make you do that." Her voice is so deep and rich, striking a cord deep in me, reigniting the fire.

"I'm so sorry." I still can't believe that happened.

"Don't worry. You wouldn't believe how many times I've cum just thinking about you. Your lips," She kisses me. I feel her hand running up the inside of my thigh. "Your eyes." She kisses each one. "You nose." Another kiss. "That noise you make when I'm inside of you. I want you so much, it hurts sometimes." She discards her open shirt and pajama pants. Crawling down my body she start a trail of kisses up each leg, skipping over my sex, and up my trembling body until she reaches my lips again.

I'm afraid I won't last again.

"You don't know how long I've been waiting for this." She whispers against my lips.

Probably as long as I have, I want to say but she's kissing me again. Her tongue pushes in and out of my mouth. I try to catch it but she's too fast, it's just a taste of what's to come. I slide against her stomach as she pushes back.

"God that feels good, baby." Her knees come up under my thighs until she has me wide open. "Relax." That's when I realize I'm struggling beneath her, unsuccessfully trying to ease the ache. I hate it when she says that, _relax_. How can a person truly relax? To truly relax there has to be nothing on one's mind. I can't not think about us, this. I can't relax but I can pretend to please her.

I stay still as possible, which is not still at all. Her hand slides between our bodies. I feel two fingers teasing my entrance. I rise up again, giving them the go ahead.

"I love you so much." She says as she slides them easily into me.

"Oh, god." My eyes close as the pleasure takes over, the fire\work are already there.

She slides them out adding another, pumping inside me. My arms wrap around her neck, bringing her close as possible. I bend my head into her shoulder muffling the scream as she enters me over and over.

"You feel so good." Her hand speeds up, my body frantically trying to keep up with the pace.

Her hips drive down onto her hand, pushing her fingers deeper into me.

No one could ever go deep enough for me, not even myself. My body is like a void that has never been filled until now. "Please." I beg.

I know she's avoiding all the spots that make me turn to putty. She grinds onto to the back on her hand, bring her closer.

"Cum with me." She says as she curls and straightens her fingers inside me, grazing my spot, never staying long enough for me to enjoy. Her thumb caresses my bundle of nerve, again and again, until it's too much. I drag my nails down her back as everything else comes to a complete stop. The fireworks aren't behind eyes anymore instead they're in my head making me dizzy.

I feel her tense on top on me as we fall together. I want to be her anchor too. I want to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, tell her to never stop, to never move.

All I can do is feel; her on top of me, inside of me, her breathing in my ear, her love flowing through every fiber of my body. I turn to jello as I come down. I can feel the shadows calling. The more I fight it, the faster it consumes me. Even as it takes me under I hear her, "I love you, Natalia Rivera."

I wake up to Olivia's hand sliding through my hair. Somehow, no matter how we go to sleep I wake up with my head on her shoulder. My strong, yet fragile pillow. I don't know what draws me to this place. Maybe it's because I caused the small scar that decorates it. Or maybe it just it one of the best vies of her chest. "What time is it?"

"5:30"

I open my eyes, one rigid rose colored nipple rested in my line of vision. It's so tempting. I try to make a mental video in my head of the rise and fall of the twin peaks. How one rises higher than the other as if it were vying for my attention. "Why are you up so early?" My mouth waters as the peak taunts me.

"Cause I love watching you sleep." Her hand never stops running through my hair. I think she knows exactly what she's doing.

I move my mouth taking the hard bud between my lips.

"Natalia." She moans my name, raveling her hands in my hair, it spurs me on. I move between her legs settling as they wrap around me. I switch to the other rose bud. My hand covers the newly neglected nipple; I don't want it to watch me cheating. I keep up my ministration switching ever so often until I'm satisfied they both know my touch.

She rocks into me, leaving a saturated trail of her distinct nectar. I've always loved the smell of her. It's a dizzying smell. My head swims even at the thought of it.

I watch as she arches, her head back dig into the feather filled pillow; her fingers dig into my ribs, trying to bring me closer.

I pry her hands loose, pinning them above her head. For a second I can see the panic. I think about all the time we've had sex, how never let me inside of her and most of the time she's on top. Sometimes I forget what happened and why she is always in control. Then I remember all the pain she has been through, but that doesn't deter me.

I loosen my hold on her wrist. "Trust me. I would never hurt you." Those simple words are something I've always wanted to believe. _I would never hurt you_. I've heard them a lot throughout my marriage but I never believed them. Now I want nothing more that for her to believe them, hear the truth in my voice. I want her to hear and feel how unwavering I am in my devotion to her and only her.

Her eyes are closed, they open shining bright with love and desire. Her lips slightly parted, her breathe coming in short, quick spurs. Her hips momentarily stop their motion only to start again with more passion. The movement makes her breast sway almost hypnotic like.

"Please." And that's the one word I want to hear from her.

I kiss down her neck, between the valley of her breast, down her stomach knowing I will find the mixture of sweat and sex. I stop at the neatly trimmed brown coarse patch. Pausing I let her scent wash over me, filling my senses. I hear another whimper and a long drawn out moan. I listen to it like it's a musical note that has hit the perfect pitch. She arches up. With another perfect note. I smile wanting to tease her, I just can't find it in my heart to torture her.

Her bundle of nerves standing at attention waiting for me, only me. I don't know a person on this earth who could resist her. Lazily my tongue swirls around the pleading peak, only giving it the slightest bit of relief. I peek up to see her arm thrown across her mouth muffling the moans we both know is building waiting for me to release it. I take her between my lips, connecting the tip of my tongue to the nerve. I let her do all the work as she rides my mouth trying to find relief. Her legs wrap around my head, her hand pushing and pulling in my hair. There are so many things I want to do at once. I want to be inside her, kiss her, whisper in her ear; I have to settle for feeling. My hands slide up her sides and under her arms, finding the twin peaks. I twist and roll them between my fingers. Even with her thighs covering my ear I can her pleas for release. I take mercy, sucking her clit, my stiff tongue lashing across it. Her legs and hand hold tighter as the world starts to fall away. Stopping was never in my plans. I want to push her into a world she might have forgotten. I want her to see her riding the wave of pleasure only me being inside her can bring. I shake her legs loose still milking her with my mouth.

I bring one hand down, placing a finger at her opening. It doesn't move to go any further; still she stiffens at the feeling.

"You trust me." I raise to me elbows, looking up at her, fear and panic cloud her green eyes as she looks down at me.

A heart beat feels like my whole life until she say, "I trust you." She repeats until she relaxes under me.

Slowly I move a finger inside her. Centimeter by centimeter, I push inside of her. We stay that way until I feel her body relax more. My finger snug in her velvet glove.

I take her clit back in my mouth slowly coaxed more of her natural lubricant. I retract my finger gradually adding a second. Her body arches off the bed. She takes in a slow hissing breath.

I stay where I am lets her get used to the feeling.

Her hip wiggle and I move in and out. We keep the slow pace for what feels like eternity.

Finally her moans and plea get closer and her hips follow swiftly.

I wiggle my fingers inside, she almost but no quite squeals, the air leaves her lungs, and is slow to return.

She groans with every slow long tortuous lick of my tongue. All my efforts speed up, as she races towards release again. Her whole body arches till she bridged on her shoulders and heels, which dig deep and painfully into the small of my back. Despite my discomfort I keep at her stoking the fire ravaging her body.

For a second I'm concerned she'll pass out, and then I want her to. I want it to be too much, like it was for me. I want her to feel how I feel every time she touches me or looks at me with those smoldering emerald eyes.

I know I've achieved my goal when her body falls like dead weight and her legs fall effortlessly away from my shoulders. Her hands fall to her side, lifeless.

My hand on her chest stops, as her chest rises and falls deeply. I still can't stop. I remove my fingers, burying my tongue inside her, letting her nectar flow into my mouth. It's far too precious to me to let be washed away.

In her blackout she whimpers my name. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the primitive creature in me howls in joy, knowing I'm the only name she calls, the only thing her body knows.

I stretch out beside her, wrapping my arms around her. Gazing at Olivia's unguarded features, I'm still in awe that she chose me. It's got to be a sin to be this pleased and proud of myself. Maybe this is what being happy is, truly happy and relaxed.

I peek at the clock. I don't want to get up, but I haven't been to church in two weeks.

I wonder if everyone will know what I just did. They'll have to, the bounce in my step or the smile on my face will give it away.

I stand in the bathroom really looking at myself in the mirror. It must be my imagination, the frown lies a gone. It used to be when I looked in the mirror I saw worry and pain. It has all seemed to disappear. I can't say I see anything. Maybe I am relaxed. I think can relax. I take a deep breath until I turn purple in the face. I blow it out, envisioning it's the entire world's pain leaving me alone even if just for one moment in the bathroom of my dingy apartment alone. Not alone, with my beautiful girlfriend that I just knocked out. I like the sound of that; my girlfriend, my partner, my protector, my lover; mine.

After getting Rafe and Emma ready for church, Olivia still isn't conscious although she has rolled over seemingly reaching. _Pride is a sin_, I tell myself.

Rafe had been sleep ten minutes into the sermon. I bounce Emma on my knee keeping her happy enough to be quiet. Father Ray keeps it short, for which I am happy. I'm itching to get home to Olivia. He wraps up his preaching with a prayer. I stay seated as everyone else files out of the building.

"Natalia, I'm glad you stayed."

"You did ask nicely." It sounds cocky, why? Like I'm happy someone finally asked me to do something instead of telling me.

Father Ray sits beside me, taking a second to play with Emma. I can tell she is going to be trouble, too friendly.

"I just wanted to know how you were doing. I haven't seen you in a while."

"I'm fine, actually better than fine." I can't keep the smile from my face.

"That's good…I heard you wanted to start an organization for women. If you're still interested I can give you some contacts to help you get started."

"That would be great."

The look on his face says that's not all. He knows something I don't. "How's Olivia?"

"She's fine. We're both doing very well."

"That's good. Just let me know when you want those contacts." He gets up after shaking Emma's fist. "Oh and pride is a good thing, sometimes." _He knows._


	2. September 2018

**PRESENT September 2018**

**Olivia  
**

The light bulb flickered before burning bright. The x-ray waved before settling on the warming surface. If I knew what I was supposed to be seeing it wouldn't have annoyed me some much nor would the dopey doctor.

I'm freaking sitting here in a paper thin gown freezing my ass off and all he is doing it looking the black and white picture nodding his head. Asshole.I swing my legs back and forward showing my grow impatience with his nodding head.

"Just what I thought." The doctor turned to me, like I know what he's talking about. "Your heart is no good."

"Thanks for breaking it to me lightly." I snap back at his nonchalant tone. He looks at me like a disappointed father. I try another avenue, "so how do we fix it, pills, shots, change in diet, because money is not a problem."

He doesn't respond, like I didn't just say something. He walks over to the little table sitting on the black stool that has to be too low for comfort. "I think we are bit pass that."

"You think or you know?" Good you are annoying. I've always hated when people did that. It's like they are too good or busy to respond to a simple question. I really do hate that. I mean I've done it but that's different. I really hate that.

"I'll have to run some more test but it seems like you are in the later stages."

"Late stages of what?" My voice rises in annoyance. If this had been earlier in life I would have already given him new one. The new calmer me is present.

"You are in the late stages of congestive heart failure."

All the oxygen is sucked out of the room as I come to term with what he said. "I'm dying." It was almost a laugh. And for a second I want to laugh and never stop. But I don't I get a hold of myself before I laugh or cry myself to death.

"Well yes. Your heart is not doing its job. If you look at the x-ray, you'll see it's twice the size of a normal heart. It's working itself hard but it still not delivering enough blood throughout the body." He studies what I presume to be my chart as he talks.

"Wait," I clear my throat still not believing "no this can't be. I felt fine a couple of weeks ago. I've just been stressed because of business." I argue with the doctor. I studied the x-ray, it does look funny. I need a second opinion. Yea that's what I need. This asshole wouldn't know a hole from his ass. That's what I'll do get a second opinion to tell me different.

"Correct me if I'm wrong. You've been feeling tired, having chest pains, you've fainted once or twice, short of breathe plus coughing and to top it off you have been feeling as if your heart was beating too fast. Am I right?" I nod and his face takes on a smug sense of accomplishment that I want to knock off as soon as it appears.

"Yes, but that is because of the stress. I haven't been getting enough sleep or eating enough." What is it going to take to get it through his head, it's just stress.

"No its not, you wake up in the middle of the night because you probably stopped breathing. You're not eating because you're tired all the time. And you're tired because your heart is failing." He turns back to the chart. "I see here you are a cocaine addict."

"WAS." Somehow I knew it would come back to that. I always did. I really did, I just hoping I had done some good to offset it. Karma and all that hocus pocus.

"Have you ever overdosed?"

"Twice, but it was never life threatening." I play it off, knowing he's not buying it.

"Did you drink too?"

"Sometimes." All the time.

"Mmm Hmm." His pen scratches fiercely on the paper. "That will do it. Mixing cocaine and alcohol creates another drug called cocaethylene. It forms in the liver. Not much is known about it but that could be the cause of your condition. Like I said we will have to run more test."

"Test."

"Yes, test. When is the last time you used?"

"About ten years ago, give or take." Give or take a few years.

"Good, I'm going to put you on the transplant list immediately. You have a rare blood type that could work for you or against you." He continues to write.

"Wait, no. I don't want to be on a transplant list. I want you to fix MY heart." I beat my chest like an angry ape. It sounds childish even to me, but there is no other way to put it.

"At this point I don't think that is an option." He closes the chart, swiveling in his chair to face me.

I can feel my anger rising, at both of us. "How… I mean how much time do I have?" This diagnose is going to hurt my family, especially Natalia.

"Without treatment, one years at the most, 6 months at the least. With the transplant you could have longer productive life. Provided your body takes the heart." He gives me a solemn look, like I'm already dead. "Do you have anyone you want to call before we start the test?"

"No, I'm not taking any test okay." I hop off the table and gather my clothes. "I want a second opinion before I do anything else. Thank you for your help." I walk into the small bathroom to get dressed, before I break down.

**Natalia**

I sit at the table watching the children eat. Rafe is on his second plate. _Human garbage disposal, teenagers._

Emma sits between our seven year old twins, Alexander and Alexandra. Every once in awhile I look at Olivia's chair. She's started coming home late or not at all. I don't say anything but they children already know something is off. The routine has been broken.

"Ma?" Spaghetti sauce comes out of Rafe's mouth as he speaks.

"Rafe what have I told you about talking with your mouth full." I chastened him.

He swallowed the food, "Sorry, where is Olivia?" He raises his eyebrow like he is daring me to lie as if he knows where she is.

I hate it when he calls Olivia by her first name. It's the first sign of an argument on its way. The second in his eyes. I don't know what's got no him lately but every time I turn around he's into something. "Work, she'll be home in a little." I get up from the table putting the empty dishes in the sink "Has everyone finished their homework." I turn around to see 3 heads nod. "Rafe?"

"I'm going to do it."

"Rafe you have been in the living room watching TV all evening and your homework is not done." School was beginning to be a daily struggle for him. He picks his senior year to let his grades drop.

"Ma I said I was going to do it. God, get off my back." He flopped back in his chair. His eyes full of defiance, daring the world to object to his way of doing things.

I object and I'll keep objecting. I refuse to let him end up like his father. "No Rafe I will not let you do this. From now on homework is to be done before the TV is turned on. And I have had it up to hear with your attitude young man." I crossed my arms, Rafe mirrors my movement. I hate fighting with him when Olivia is not her. He listens to her without argument. She's still Wonder woman. And who am I, just his mother. And he's still a child, just looking for his next adventure or waiting at the front door for his second Mom to come home so he can talk her ear off.

"Whatever." He says.

I watch as he heads for the kitchen door.

"And where do you think you are going?" I hear Olivia say, glad that she's finally here.

"Out." The states as if it was the answer to all the questions.

"Get upstairs right now and do as your mother said." Olivia's voice left no space for arguments.

"Whatever." Rafe turns and heads up stairs. He stomps up ever step, slamming the door to his room.

Olivia sways a little, catching herself on the door frame. And there is my second problem rearing its ugly head. And I'm no closer to solving it than I am my own son's attitude

**Olivia**

"Olivia, are you okay?" Natalia looks me up and down. "You look a little pale."

"No, I'm fine, just a hard day at work." I make my way over to the table and sitting in Rafe's vacate chair.

"Hi Mom." Alex is always the first to greet me. Lex signs 'hi mom'. Her signed language had got much better in the last months.

"Hi babies, what's up Emma?"

"Nothing, I got an A on my spelling test." The nine year old played with the remainder of her spaghetti.

"That's very good baby girl. We'll have to celebrate this weekend." Natalia puts a plate of food in front of me.

"Oh, thank you Angel but I'm not hungry." The smell of the food makes me nauseous. For the last couple of months my appetite had diminished. The expansion of the Beacon was taking its toll on me. Now I finally know why or maybe not. I still have to get that second opinion.

"Olivia you have to eat. You're losing weight." Natalia's ever motherly presence waiting for me to eat; she hovers twisting the towel in her hand.

"What's the problem with Rafe today?" I try to change the subject, pushing the plate farther away.

"I don't know. He's not doing his homework and I think he's skipping class." Natalia hands play with the towel, now. Rafe is starting to hang with the wrong crowd. He is bound to get in trouble.

She walks back to the sink, filling it with hot water. I look at her back. He shoulders are filled with tension. I know she still feels guilty about Rafe childhood.

I rub Alex's head as he sucked in a spaghetti noodle.

"I'll go talk to him." With a lot effort I rise from the table and walked out of the kitchen.

**Natalia**

I watch as Olivia unsteadily makes her way out of the room. I turn to the sink not wanting the children to see me cry.

"Ma?" Emma comes to stand beside me.

I turn my head quickly wiping away the tears. "Yes baby?"

"Are you crying?"

"No baby. The onion from earlier are still on my hands, that all. Now go finish dinner so everyone can take a bath and get ready for bed."

**Olivia**

I only make it half way up the stairs before having to lean against the wall to catch my breath. My eyes were too unfocused to see the steps; I know them by memory now. I use the wall for support the rest of the way up. When I get to his door I knock before entering. I push it open when he doesn't answer.

He lays on his bed reading a book or pretending to read. "Rafe?"

He sits up on the bed as I enter the room. I throw some of his dirty clothes out of the chair so I can sit.

"What?"

"Don't take that attitude with me. I just came to see what was wrong." The room starts to spin. I try to focus on Rafe, I just can't figure which one of them is real.

"I don't know. I just…" I hear him say before I start to pass out. 'Thump'

I jump at the loud noise. His book lies on the floor at his feet.

"Look I'm trying to do what you told me to. So, if you could leave so I can study." Rafe flops back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

I don't have the strength for this fight. "I'll talk to you later, but you need to get rid of this mood. You're mother is worried about you." I get up from the chair and stumbled down the hall to our room. Before she could turn down the covers, the darkness creeps from the corner of my eyes swallowing the light.

**Natalia**

I cleaned up the kitchen and put the children to bed. When I walk in our room, I find Olivia lying across the covers. This wasn't the first time I've come in to find her sleeping in her clothes on top of the covers. _God baby what are you doing. _I crawl onto the bed beside her. My hand smoothes the hair from her still beautiful face. I lie beside her for a few minute just listening to her soft breathing, something that has always lured me to a dreamscape. I get off the bed and called the only other person who could help. "Hey Doris, she's passed out again. I know he's back again."

**Rafe**

Who am I? That's what the stupid paper was about. I did it to the best of my ability. I told the truth. I am Raphael Rivera the screw up. Ever since I was born I've been screwing up. My so called father didn't want me and then my Ma didn't want me. So I lived with my grandparents who didn't want me. No matter where I when people argued about me. Asked why I had to stay with them, why couldn't I go home? I couldn't go home because my parents knew from the get go I would ruin everything.

My whole life up to a point was me falling into the hands of someone who didn't want me. Into the hands of people who looked at me funny, people who ignored me because they silently wished me away.

Then one day a person comes and catches me. Yea someone caught me on purpose. For what reason I don't know but they kept catching me. And still somehow I almost ruined that person.

I used to be superman now I'm Ultra Man or who ever. I'm not even Rafe.

No I'm Raphael Rivera the one with the genius little sister, who's really smart and can do no wrong, the adopted little sister who is smart too and can scream louder than the earth itself. Then there is my adopted little brother who is the perfect little gentlemen, he ain't that smart but he can make everyone laugh, he can learn to be smart; there is still time and he is my Ma's second chance at having the son she always wanted.

Yep that's me the oldest and the most disappointing. Even when I try to give in a do wrong I still can't pull it off. I always get caught. Always.

I'm back outside principal's office for the second time this week and it's only the third week of school. Last time it was for fighting this time I got caught sneaking back onto campus. I knew I shouldn't have come back. I just hope she doesn't call Olivia. I told her to call Remy, maybe he will take it easy on me.

I take a quick look out the window to see the devil herself. How did I know? Here she comes. That vain in her forehead is visible for yards away. I know she's mad. I slump backing my chair waiting for all hell to break loose.

Surprisingly she strolls right past my chair and into the office. Without even a glance my way she closes the door. There is still time to run away. I think I have enough in my bank account to make a pretty good life in Mexico. Maybe start a new life as a farmer, a car repairer, or get a piece of the drug cartels.

The door opens pulling me out of my daydream of running with the drug cartels. Again she doesn't look at me. "Let's go." Is all I get as she walks pass.

The principal stands at the door with her smug grin. I give her a dirty look before leaving. She doesn't like me and everyone knows it. It's always Rivera this or Rivera that. Fucking bitch gets on my nerves, someone needs to put her in her place.  
I follow Olivia out to her car.

"I'm going to drive myself home." Hoping she will have calmed down by the time we both get home. I sure as hell don't plan on going straight there.

"NO, get in the car right now." Olivia's jaw is clenched so tight all the words run together.

"Fine." I open the door to her car, slinging my backpack in the back seat. I sit in the car by myself. I'm sure she outside trying to calm down or just thinking of a creative way to punish me.

I don't think Olivia has never spanked me or even tapped my hand as punishment even when I deserve it. And right now I'm a little scared when she gets in I'm going to be fighting for my life. It's just this feeling of death swooping over the car.

Today, she had an important meeting with the hotel managers. But she was the only one available. Ma went to Florida to check on a woman and her children who left the safe house last week.

When she finally gets in my anger has dissipated. I'm left feeling, I don't know.

She drives to the park, the last place I expected us to end up. She gets out of the car slamming the door shut.

I sit in the car, my anger at her flaring back up. I can still remember happier time, like when she proposed to Ma. The time we went ice skating and she dislocated her shoulder when I fell when she tried to catch me.

I get out of the car following her to the bridge over the stream. She's leaning against the rail with her head hanging down.

I keep a couple of feet between us leaning with my back on the rail.

"What is your problem?" She doesn't sound mad anymore, just deflated.

"You." I didn't mean to say that. It slipped out. She's not the problem. I think she's the only one who can actually fix it, whenever I find out what it is.

Her head pops up staring at me in disbelief. "Me?"

I shove my hands in my pockets, looking away from her hurt eyes to the sky. Acting nonchalant is harder than I make it look.

"Rafe I've done everything I could for you. I give you money. Any car you've ever want I got it for you, even when you weren't old enough to drive." Her voice gets louder and louder. They start to penetrate the armor I have carefully constructed like mosquito stringers through skin, "I listen to you, and talk to you. What do you want from me? I love you like you were mine."

"But I'm not yours, okay. You're not my mother or my dad." I scream back at her. I hate feeling like this. The tears sting my eyes and I angrily swipe at them. "I don't need you or want you here."

"God, Rafe. You don't know how disappointed I am in you." Her voice is back down to a whisper. She turns away from me, wiping at her own tears.

The words break the dam of tears I've been holding and my heart. It's the last thing I wanted to do. I never want to see that look in her eyes towards me. I never meant to be a disappointment to anyone. Then again I never mean to do anything it all just happens, Raphael the destroyer.

"Why won't you just talk to me? We've always been close." She steps into my personal space. For a second I want to push her away, and then I want her to hold me like when I was little. "What happened to us?" She's asking me like I know. I can't even tell myself how I feel.

I don't want to feel this way anymore so I start with the problem at school. "They call me names."

"What?"

"They call me names." I say louder, but I know she heard me the first time.

"Who? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Everyone, the teachers, the other kids. They call me Nicky or Nicholas Jr. They spray painted my locker, wife beater." I sniff, trying to keep myself under control; Rafe the retard, Raphael Aituro, and their favorite The Son of Sam.

"I'll talk to the teachers and if I have to I'll talk to the parents."

"That's why I skip school. They're all in my math class, always picking on me, shoving, laughing at me." Laughing at me, laughing at me. I bang the bridge rail with every word. It makes me so mad, I want to lash out. I can't even present a paper without them laughing at me.

For the first time in months all of the angry leaves as she pulls me into a hug. "You are not your father."

"I can feel it sometimes. The anger, I just want to hit something. What if I am like him, what if it's genetic?" It's strange. I'm almost a man and here I am with my head on her shoulder crying like a baby. And I don't care.

We stand there, just us in this embrace that has seemed to rebuild my soul, paving over the crack and restoring the chipped corners that every foul nickname has created. In must have been a few minutes before she said anything, I know this because the tears have long since died.

"You're not like him. He was Nicholas Aituro. You are Rafe 'Superman' Rivera, the only thing that can make you like him is you. It's up to us to control it and choose to do right. Everyone has it in them to do bad things."

"Like you."

She pulls back, looking a little shaken. "Yeah like me." She leans against the rail beside me. I mimic her movement. I remember I used to do that all the time. I used to study her and practice the movement in the mirror, movements that I had learned till they became my own.

"I did it for us. You, me, your mom, Emma."

I really don't care why she did it, I'm just happy someone did. I have to say I love Olivia more than I ever wanted to love Nicky.

"You remember when my mother came to visit."

"How can I forget?"

"See, I could have ended up like that. Bitter and hateful and I almost did. You and your mother changed that for me. I decide t take real control of my life, that's what you have to do."

"I didn't mean to disappoint you. I just wanted to get away from it."

"I still love you with all my heart don't forget that." Olivia pushes away from the banister pulling my head down placing one single lonely kiss on my forehead. It almost feels like a goodbye. "Give me some time; I'll see what I can do about the school, but no more skipping…maybe you can get a job for school credit."

"Are we cool?"

"Almost but I'm telling your mother and your grounded until further notice."

Damn I knew that was coming.


	3. July 2011

**July 2011**

**Olivia**

The buzzing sound gets louder as I come to. I slap the offending object until it dies with an errant beep. Shit it already 11 am. I was supposed to be at a meeting at 11:30. I can't find the motivation of move though. I have to take a shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and call Natalia. Shit I better call her before she goes to sleep. After locating my phone under my pillow I wait for her to answer.

"Hello." She sound out of breathe.

"Hey baby."

"Oh god Olivia I'm so glad you called."

"You are, why?"

"I have this little problem, that I was trying to take care of but I think you'll do better." This sound a little kinky. I keep my comment to myself. Natalia's not that kind of woman.

"Did Emma do something?"

"No, oh god." Her breathe hitches in the receiver. "Keep talking."

If I'm not mistaken I would say this is kinky. Just the thought of it make me wet. No, Natalia wouldn't do that. "About what?"

"I need you to keep talking, anything." Her voice a little more demanding.

"First let me say how much I love you. I really want to be there with you beside you, holding you."

"I wish you were too." Her breathing comes faster in the phone. Then I hear the sound I love to hear. It only happens when… "Natalia tell me your not…"

"I couldn't help it. You've been gone…sooo long."

"It's been five days, baby!" The pot calling the kettle black, the fist night I was here, my hand was dipping in the cookie jar thinking about her.

"Please, I need you."

I can't believe this is happening. "What are you doing?"

"I'm inside myself."

"I'm inside you." I look around the room, lowering my voice even though I'm the only one here.

"Yes." She moans.

"You feel so good around my fingers. I've never seen you so wet, just for me."

"Just for you. Uhnnggg"

"No teasing."

"NO. Oh god, no"

"You feel me." I hold my hand up in mid air, desperate to remember the feeling.

"Yes I fe…el you."

"Feel me fuck you faster."

"Yes, yes." She close, I know I can hear it.

"Rub your clit for me baby. Just once." She moans louder into the phone. "again."

"I'm close Livia."

"Cum for me baby. I want to feel you."

"Ahhh. Ohgodohgod."

I close my eyes picturing her, buried inside herself. A long moan comes through the phone. Her breathing comes fast and harder through the phone, like she's just ran the 100 meter dash.

"Baby?" I hear her breathing even out.

"Why haven't we had phone sex before?" She laughs, almost too satisfied.

"Why, is that one of your fantasies?" I ask curious.

"Was." She moans into my ear. I just picture her stretching like a feline.

"You got more." I look over at the almost broken clock. _20 more minutes._

"Maybe." She always gets shy when we talk about sex. "There is one dream I had where…no I can't."

"Truth game. Tell me." I declare the start of the game. I need to know what she's dreaming about.

"NO, Olivia. I don't want to tell you. You might get scared."

"Oh that kinky. Tell me anyway." She underestimates me sometime, some of the dream I've had have been wild.

"It's not really kinky. I just…want to be with you, inside you… hands free."

"What? Oh. Oh." I just had to ask. We've never talked about that. I don't know if I'm ready or not. But it's Natalia; she wouldn't, couldn't hurt me, but you never know, why take the chance.

"Olivia, I know you're not ready it was just a thought. Olivia?"

Lost in my own thoughts I don't answer.

"Don't do that. Don't shut me out. Baby please."

"I'm not. I have a meeting in a few I need to get ready for. The party still on for the tomorrow?"

"Yes and stop changing the subject."

"We'll be home tomorrow. You want to talk to Rafe?" I ignore her plea. I can't talk about this right now I have to focus.

"No I want to talk to you. Can you stop for a minute?"

Two hard knock on the door jar me. "Miss. Spencer you'll be late for you meeting."

"Okay, I'm up." I shout at the door. "Natalia I have to go, bye, love you."

"Olivia wait." I hear her say even though I took the phone away from my ear. I push the end button.

I look around the room, everything is white; the curtains, the carpet, the furniture, and the bedspread. Too much white, blinding.

Me and Rafe have been in Tokyo for a week and I still haven't got used to waking up here. The time difference is killing me.

I step out of the shower refreshed and late. "Superman!"

"Yes ma'am." He runs through the door as I put my jacket on.

"What's on the agenda?"

"Pool, arcade then pool." He counts on his fingers.

"Okay, I'm not going to be back for lunch so go ahead and order something and I want to see a vegetable on the receipt."

"Yes ma'am."

"Alright behave. Love you." I kiss him on the cheek.

"Love you too."

"Have fun, this is the last day." I walk out of the room straightening my white pants suit. Here goes nothing.

**Natalia**

All day I've been running around town and the farmhouse making sure everything is in order. Now all I need is the rest of my family.

"Mama. mama" Emma tugs on my shirt, for my attention.

"I know baby one last stop." I walk through the door of Dr. Golden's office. She called yesterday and said she couldn't make it. I know Olivia would really like her to be there. Even if were not her patients anymore i was hoping she would still occasionally talk to Olivia.

Her secretary must have the day off. I walk to the open door of her office. A little girl is sitting on the floor. She looks like she's about Rafe's age.

"Lindsey?"

"Oh Natalia come in. I was just picking up some files. What can I do for you?" She stands up from behind her desk.

"I just wanted to know why you weren't coming to the BBQ."

"Can I hold your baby?" The little girl walks up to me, touching Emma's shoe.

"Natalia this is Brittany."Lindsey says closing file in her hands. I put Emma on the floor so she can play with Brittany.

"Oh, I'm sorry am I interrupting a session?"

"No she's my daughter."

I look from the little girl back to Lindsey. "Oh, ok."

"I know what you're thinking. She's black and you're white. What the,?" She laughs at her own joke which I don't find funny at all. "Me and my partner, well ex partner adopted her from her brother. I didn't know she was coming this weekend, that's why I canceled."

"Why don't you bring her? There will be plenty of children there and I'm sure Rafe would love to make a new friend."

"Okay, we'll drop by."

"Alright I'll see you there. Come on Emma."

The party is supposed to start in an hour and Rafe and Olivia still aren't here. Just as I put the last of the drinks in the freezer Rafe burst through the door.

"MA! Come outside." He runs back out with Emma on his heels.

I run outside expected the worst, instead in the drive my parents stand beside Olivia. I hadn't seen them in almost a year. Things had become very strained after Nicky died. "Papi, Mami."

"Talia." My Mom steps onto the porch hugging me tight enough to cut off my air supply. When she lets go I bounce at her side like a child.

"Oh god where are my manners. Do you want something to drink or eat? You probably want to sit down." Olivia and my father walk into the house behind me and my mother.

"Oh my god is this Emma?" My mother asks picking my little angel up. They had only seen her once since she was born.

"That's Emma."

"Grandma. Grandpa come see my room. I got a big bed." Rafe pulls them out the kitchen.

I turn to Olivia, whose leaning against the cabinet. "You did this?" I walk up to her, putting my arms around her neck.

"Maybe. I just didn't want to be the one to come in between you and your parents." She pecks my on the cheek.

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"I have an ideal."

"I love you so much that you will ever know and we are going to talk about you not answering my calls. And that conversation is not over."

"I figured that much." She averts eye contact with me.

"Hey." Remy comes through the door holding a bowl of macaroni salad and a package of meat.

"Let me get that." Untangling myself from Olivia I take the bowl sitting it on the table.

"Thank you Natalia."

"Come on Remy let me show you where the grill is?" He follows Olivia outside.

The energy seems to rebuild at the thought of having my closest friends and family present.

An hour later the party in full swing, everyone came to the party. There was so much food I was sure we weren't going to eat it all today.

I sat on the porch swing beside my mother, watching the kid and adult kids run after each other with water guns and balloons.

"Talia, how have things been?" She pats my knee.

"Everything is great. I never thought it could be like this. Olivia is the best thing that could have ever happened to me." I gush over my girlfriend. I spot Olivia standing behind a tree ready to ambush an unsuspecting Brittany and Rafe with balloons.

"Raphael seems to adore her."

"He loves her. And she loves him. They just got back from Tokyo."

"They told us. Rafe talked the whole way from Chicago." She laughs at Olivia dumps the pair with balloons. They both scream before running their separate ways.

We fall into an awkward silence. We used to be so close even when I was with Nicky.

Out the side of me eye I see her frown.

"Ma?"

"You know I just want you to be happy. I know I should have helped when you were with Nicky."

"That's behind us Mom. I am happy now."

"It's just, your father is not very happy with some of the decisions you've made."

"I know. When I called he said you weren't coming to the party."

"We weren't but then Olivia called. Said she you really wanted us to be here and she didn't want to come in between our relationship. Even told us we could have the car we came in. You know your fathers been fix on that piece of junk truck of his for years." Her hand squeezes my knee.

"You know I'm in the middle of opening a shelter for women?"

"No I didn't know that. That's great; you can help some women and children."

"It's a different time Ma. If you want to leave you can." I look straight ahead into the distance. Some of the ducks have come closer to the house in search of food.

"I'm fine. I always have been."

"But are you happy?" I look at her. She looks tired and wore down. Her head falls as her eye downcast to her feet.

"Sometime happiness isn't the most important thing in life." She sighs. I can't help but remember saying the exact same thing to myself.

"It's softball time." Lindsey hollers holding hold up a bat and ball. "I'm captain. I played in college."

Doris runs up taking the bat. "Well I played in high school we'll see what you got."

They stare each down until Olivia interfere making them pick teams.

After the game, everyone is sweating and dirty. Some of the children as soaked with mud. The food was finally ready. My father held Emma in his arms as he ate, feeding her pieces of his plate. He hasn't said much to me. I know he has something to say because he keeps looking across the table at me. He's been holding a folder all day. I'm curious to know what's inside.

Olivia sat beside me with Rafe sitting in her lap. They've been attached at the hip the whole day and I think that may be his problem. For a long time he was the one Rafe looked up to.

"Olivia, you want some potato salad?" I hold up a fork full.

She shakes her head. "I don't like potato salad. No offense Mrs. Rivera."

"Rafe?"

"I don't like it either." He talks with his mouth full of baked beans.

"Rafe you love your grandmother's potato salad." He shrugs his shoulders at my comment. Olivia runs her fingers through his hair as he leans back against her.

Brittany interrupts my musing. "You know the only thing that could make ribs better is if they were wrapped in bacon." Everyone laughs at the statement. "Can we go to the pond now?"

"Can we?" Rafe perks up.

"Okay but don't go in or get too close." I warn them. Rafe isn't the best swimmer, but you can't tell him that.

"Come on Olivia." He pulls at her.

"Go ahead superman. I'll be down in a little." She pats her stomach.

The two children run off with a trail of other kids behind them.

"So Miss Golden, you were Olivia's therapist?" My father asks. The mood shifts from fun to tense in less than a second.

"Yes I am. And I like to think we've become friends in the process."

He nods his head with a disapproving look.

Olivia doesn't seem disturbed by the revelation.

"Anyone want dessert?" Blake offers as she gets up from the table.

"I'll help you." Dr. Bauer follows Blake into the house.

"It's really hot out here why don't we go inside and have some tea or coffee." My mother picks Emma out of my father lap and walks inside.

We get inside and I notice it's just us three with Emma. Everyone else remained outside and I can't help but think that it's what my parents wanted. I sit beside my mother and Emma on the couch as my father paces the floor.

"Dad is there something you wanted to talk about?" I'm worried now. Maybe his dying. He has been smoking for years.

"Talia you're my only daughter and you know I love you."

"I love you too. Please just say it. I can handle it." Oh god, I don't want to hear it. Nothing is terminal there has to be a treatment to help.

Olivia comes in the room sitting in the chair at the end of the coffee table closest to my mother.

Emma stretches out for her. "Ma mama mama." She smacks her lips calling for Olivia who takes her from my mother. The scene seems to snap whatever my father was holding in.

"You can't seriously think this is okay Natalia."

"What?" I look at him in confusion. I don't know what just happened. All of a sudden he's angry

"This. Everything. It's wrong. You can't live like this."

"You are way out of line Ricardo." My mother says and instantly looks at the floor.

"Mary, stay out of this." He stops his paced for a few seconds. "That woman has problems." He points at Olivia. She sat in the chair holding Emma. Her eyes turn dark as she looks from me to him.

"Papi, how dare you come to my house talking about my family?" I can't believe he has the nerve to ruin our 4th of July party.

"Talia," he sighs in disappointment, "You're not thinking straight. I understand you want someone who is not Nicky. You might be a little scared to be in a relationship with a man, you just need more time."

"No, I love her and she loves me. You don't know what we've been through for each other. She's clean and going to therapy. You don't know what she's been through."

"I do. It's has everything in it." He throws the folder on the coffee table in front of me. The papers slide out of its casing scattering across the table.

I pick the folder off the table opening it, inside are pictures of Olivia and her arrest sheet. It's about five pages long. I flip through it. The last pages is her statement about the rape, pictures of the bruises on her wrist. "Where did you get this?" The emotions overtake my voice. I don't want to read the words or look at the pictures. I throw the folder back on the table, the pictures sliding out for everyone to see.

"Nicholas sent it to me. You see she couldn't even remember it. She was high out of her mind."

"God! What is your problem?" I ask him, my voice raising louder than his.

"Me? Natalia you've lost sight of what's right and wrong." He continues to pace. I look at her, her eyes filling with unleashed tears. I can't let him attack her without fighting back. The Natalia that let everyone make choices for her is dead.

"NO! She is the best thing that has happen to me. She loves me, Rafe and Emma." I scream at the top of my lungs. Emma starts to cry from our yelling, Olivia rock calming her.

"She's a murderer. She can't love you. She doesn't know what love is."

"How would you know what love is? UH? You hit my mother, just like Nicky did me."

"That's doesn't change who, what she is?" He screams back. "She's a slut and a drug addict."

The words hit me like a Mack truck, an impact that touched Olivia.

She kisses the top of Emma's head before standing and handing her off to my mother. Emma cries reaching for her. Her arms stretched out as her body twist trying to get out in my mother's lap.

"I'm going to go get some ice. I'll be back later." She says over her shoulder heading for the kitchen.

"Olivia, wait." I jump off the couch intent on stopping her.

Rafe runs through the kitchen door. He runs to her wrapping his arms around her legs. "Olivia, look what Uncle Remy taught me. Come on." He pulls at her hand, but she doesn't bulge.

"Superman, I can't right now." I can't see her face, but I know she's crying. Her voice is hard emotionless but it quivers.

"Why are you crying?" He sounds like a lost child. I know he is. She's his hero and he's never seen her cry before. Rafe becomes more and more upset, at the silence.

"Don't worry okay. I have to go, I'll be back." She steps around him and out the door.

He looks at me for an answer but I don't have one for him. "Ma?"

"Rafe your better without her." He just won't quit.

Rafe's eyes tear up. "No, Ma. Make her come back." He points at the door.

"Rafe, this is between me and your mother, go back outside." My father demands of him, pointing to the front door.

My mother is just sitting there trying to keep Emma in her arms, quiet like she was most of my life.

Rafe walks up to my father and pushes his leg. If he were bigger he might have actually moved him.

"Rafe, stop." I say it low, not believe what's happening. This was supposed to be a celebratory day.

"NO, he made Mom leave." It's the first time I've heard him called her that. We've never discussed anything like that.

"Get out." I say as Remy walks through the door probably to investigate the noise. "You." I point at my father, "I want you out of my house." I walk around the table moving Rafe out of my way. "I don't want you here. You aren't welcomed." I push my hand in his stomach guiding him to the door. "You have no right to come in here and tell me what to do."

"Baby girl,"

"Don't call me that. I'm not your daughter and you aren't my father. I want you out."

"I'm trying to help you." I think he actually believes that.

"I got all the help I need. Where were you when I needed help from Nicky? Where were you all the times I called and ask you to let me stay with you? Where were you all those times? You didn't care then so don't pretend to care now." We make it to the door; I push him all the way out. "Don't ever come back here."

He tries to protest but I hold up my hand stopping him. Remy stands behind me, casting a dark shadow on us both. "Don't. You know how much Nicky hurt me, but you turned me away. Told me to deal with it. Olivia has been nothing but loving, caring and protective. I have to protect her too. If you ever come back talking like that, Ricardo, I'll kill you where you stand." I close the door, not caring who heard the declaration.

"You want me to make sure he leaves?" Remy asks behind me. I would but Rafe needs someone to take his mind off what just happened.

"No, stay. We have plenty of food left." I walk past him, patting his shoulder. Rafe stands in the middle of the room. His face turns red as he huffs and puffs. He looks just like Nicky before he explodes. I kneel I front of him taking his hands in mine. He's a sight to see. The spit blows from between his lips with each breathe, his eyes strain staring in space.

"Rafe. Rafe look at me." His little body trembles with anger, maybe the frustration of not being able to control his surroundings. "Raphael. Look at me." He finally looks at, and breaks down in a heap of tears. I pull him into a hug, he crumples into me. I pick him up taking him to the kitchen and sit him on the counter top, so we're eye to eye. Grabbing a piece of paper towel I wipe his face.

"It's okay to be upset Rafe, but you can't hit or push people." I chasten him, keeping my voice soft, but firm.

"But he made her leave."

"I know. I wanted to hit him to, but you can't do that. Besides, Olivia would never leave you. She'll be back and you can show her then. You hear me young man."

He nods his head, hugging my neck. "What if she doesn't come back?"

"She will." I rub his back. "We both love you, okay."

He nods again.

"Why don't you show me and your grandmother."

He only nods.

**Olivia**

I've been nursing my second drink for damn near an hour. I can't bring myself to drink it. I feel bad for running out on Rafe. He didn't need to see me break down and I wasn't going to give Mr. Rivera the satisfaction of it either.

I can't believe Nicholas gave him those statements. It took me right back to that night, the police laughed at me, and nurse didn't believe a word I said. It probably was my fault for getting high with Rodney after. Just another mistake that keeps coming back and haunting me.

"Hey stranger. I thought the BBQ was still in full swing." It's the last thing I need is a happy Bailey. He skips up to the bar.

"It is. I'm just out for ice." I lift up the glass filled with ice and brown liquor.

"Oh you're being sarcastic, right?"

"What are you doing here?" I finally get enough nerve and down the drink. The bartender fills the glass again.

"I was on my way to the BBQ. I just stopped to pick up my date" His eyes never leave the refilled glass. I know he's probably calculating whether he can take it or not.

"Go. Blake is already there." I wave him off.

"How can I go when my friend is sulking in a drink?"

"Don't worry my ride is right there." I point at Father Ray who stands at the door. I wave him over. "Go to farmhouse and get some ice." I shoo him away as the Father Ray approaches.

I down the third glass before Father Ray can stop me. "Olivia, what are you doing?"

"Drinking. Can I get you anything? Open bar." The bartender fills the glass again, waiting to refill it again. I see the two of them connect eyes. "If he wants to keep his job he'll keep them coming." The young man's eyes go wide at the statement. "so how about that drink."

"No and neither should you." The priest gives the young man a gentle smile. We sit in silence for a second o two.

"Natalia's father came to the BBQ." I blurt out.

"Is that right?"

"Yep."

"I'm guessing you two worked everything out." I'm not in the mood for his sarcasm, but I play along.

"Oh yea. Of course he even bought some gifts, complete with pictures."

"Let me guess he's a budding artist now." Father Ray smiles.

"Only if you're into horror."

"Okay, enough. What did he do?"

"He had my arrest records and rape case. Gave them to Natalia to read and everything." I down the new glass and motion for another.

"What did Natalia say?"

"Didn't stick around to hear it. Heard it before." I down the newly filled glass, motioning for another.

"What exactly is that?" His hand stops the glass from being filled again, waving the bartender off.

" 'Olivia! What kind of whore are you?' Then the look in her eyes when she reads the report. That look, pity. I don't need her pity."

"You really think that's how she would have acted. You should know her better than that. No, you do. You're just projecting your feelings on to her. You've already told her what happened." I hate it when he's right.

"Right! Cause when she sees the bruises on my wrist from when he held me down…" I take a breath trying to calm my emotions. The tears start to blur my vision. At least the alcohol has started to kick in.

"These drinks are obviously hindering your rational thought. Natalia loves you, why would she think those things?"

"I don't know maybe because she..." The words start slur even to my ears. I don't need to explain myself to him or anyone else for that matter. "I'm going bar hopping you want to come?"

"Its 2 in the afternoon and your drunk. You're in no condition to drive. Let me drive you home."

"No I don't want to go there. He could still be there."

"What about the hotel?"

"No." I slump against the bar. It's really kicking in.

"Come back to the church with me. You can sleep it off on the bed in the back."

"Ok. But don't call her. Promise." I poke his chest with my finger.

"Promise." I feel him slip my arm over his shoulders. We half walk and stumble to the car. We make it to the church and I pass out just as we make it to the bed.

**Natalia**

"I should go after her. It's been almost two hours." I pace the porch. The party was still in full swing. Everyone waiting for the firework to began.

"You should sit down before you make yourself sick. You have two children to worry about." Lindsey sits beside Blake on the steps of the house eating her second piece of strawberry cheese cake. "She'll call home when she's well and ready." She says before eating another fork full.

"But maybe she needs to talk or just someone to be there."

"Or maybe you should go play with your son. He's feeding off your emotions. So cheer up and put on a happy face for him."

"Plus Doris went after her." Blake waves her hand dismissively

I look out at Rafe. He's leaned against a tree watching the road for Olivia to come back. I know Lindsey is right I have to keep him busy. Olivia just needs some time to work things out by herself.

"You two are my friends right?"

"Sure" "Yea" They both nod.

"Do you think Doris is in love with Olivia." I fold my hands praying that say what I want to hear.

But they look at each other thinking the same answer.

"I knew it. God I knew it." I began my pacing again, I did. The way she's always sniffing around Olivia. I knew since the first time I saw them together and Olivia said nothing had ever happened and I believed her. But that doesn't mean Doris has never thought about it. Of course she would, Olivia is sexy. Anyone would want her and they do.

And I'm sure I could compete with them but not the best friend. No one can compete with the best friend. It's impossible. I think I'm going to panic. All the times I've had this feeling in my gut that something was between them.

I remember one time we had lunch and Doris couldn't stop looking at my girlfriend, my girlfriend. They laughed at things that weren't funny, even when Olivia tired to explain it to me, it still wasn't funny. What if Olivia felt the same one at one point what if deep down she still feels that way.

"Plus." Blake steals a piece of Lindsey's cake, Smacking on the cream. "They had sex like once like 40 years ago and they were drunk. So you have nothing to worry about."

"What?"

"Uh?" Blake looks up at me; she must see my face on the porch.

"They hadn't gotten to that part yet." Lindsey tries to whisper.

"Oh." Blake's face scrounges up, knowing she let the cat out of the bag already. "I mean I'm drunk its all the cheese cake."

"Please tell me your jealous like I am so your making things up to make yourself feel better." I clench my fist mad. I'm angry at i for lying to me. But what did I expect. We were just fooling around then and I haven't asked her since we've been back together, although I've wanted to. But her past relationships are non of my business, right?

"Yes, I'm making it up."

She's such a bad liar. I don't know whose worse her or Rafe.

"They slept together." I say more to myself than them.

"Okay Natalia, I can already see where this is going. Too much has happened already so why don't we talk about this later." Lindsey stands up taking me by my shoulders.

I'm I going into shock because I can't hear anything, just the rush of the ocean. They slept together. So it was college.

"Like I said they were drunk and they have never done anything else, trust me." Blake takes another bit of cake.

"Do you thin Doris is in love with Olivia and tell me the truth." I look at both of them. Lindsey look optimistic but she doesn't know Doris like Blake does.

"I think she loves her but not that way. Maybe sometimes she feels like she does but she know they would never work out because she is not the relationship type. Trust me on that, I know it personally."

"But if she was?"

"If she was maybe, but they're kind of two different people. The only reason Doris like Olivia is because after what happened she took her under her wing and tried to make her like her." Blake stands up. All three of us sit on the porch swing with me in between them. "They have just been through a lot together."

"You're not helping Blake."

"I think what Blake is trying to say is you have nothing to worry about. Olivia will always be faithful to you and only you. Doris is her best friend and they know where the line is." Lindsey pats my knee. "What you need to focus on is your son and yourself. Olivia will be back and you can tackle this issue then.

"Okay, your right." I step off the porch. "Its Limbo time." I yell for the patrons for the party. "Come on Rafe, you have to limbo on the 4th, its tradition." I pull him away from the tree and put him in line. "Someone start some music."

By the time the fireworks start Rafe is almost too tire to stay up and watch them.

We sit on the grass beside Lindsey and Brittany watching the colors explode in the darkened sky. The little girl climbed into Lindsey's lap mirroring Rafe's position as they look to the sky.

"So I see you've adjust to country life."

"Sort of. It was either this or that ugly mansion." We've been living in the farmhouse for 3 months now. I love it out here. It's so natural and full of fresh air. Plenty of room for Rafe to run without car whizzing by or people walking around.

"You know Olivia really liked that mansion."

"Don't remind me. She begged me to let her buy it. It had 9 bedroom and 6 full bathroom the size of my old house. And it was three stories. There are only four of us, we'd get lost. You should have seen the size of the kitchen." I rub Emma's back, who sleeping on the blanket. Know I kind of wish I had taken her offer at least then she could go to another part of the house instead of leaving. Then I wouldn't have to worry."

"Then stop, Olivia is a grown woman who was making decisions long before you came to town."

"But I want to help. I want her to come to me and trust that nothing will ever make me feel any different."

"You know what I noticed; you have a possessive streak the size of Montana."

"I do not."

"Yes you do. The real problem is that you know where she is. She's either with Father Ray or Wolfe or someone who is not you."

I hate when she starts analyzing my words and I hate it even more when she's right. "I'm her girlfriend I think she should come to me if she's having a problem, not you or Father Ray." I know what she said is true. I have a right to be the one she runs to, not them or drugs.

"You know she'll be back, maybe not tonight, but she'll find her way home."

"I know I just want her here now. This was supposed to be a great day with family and friends. It all fell apart because I wanted my parents here."

"Where is your mother?"

"Upstairs in the guess room. Remy said he would take her home tomorrow let my father cool off. Anyway enough about this disaster, I think you promised me a story."

"There's really nothing to. My ex-partner's brother is a junkie" Lindsey mouthed the last word just in case Brittany was listening. "We adopted her from him and his girlfriend. They come around every once in a while. I love this little girl some much that when we broke up, I couldn't let her go, so I asked if she could come to visit me during the summers. Last week, she had to go out of town to a conference so Brittany came to stay with me." Lindsey bear hugs Brittany. The little girl giggle in her arms.

I want to ask why they broke up, if Brittany weren't sitting there I might have.

After everyone leaves and I finally get Rafe to bed, I sit on the couch waiting patiently for Olivia. Praying she comes home tonight.

**OLIVIA**

"Hey sleepy head."

I try to open my eyes but a wave of nausea hit me. I'm going to be sick.

"There's a bucket on your side of the bed." I feel Doris slip in bed behind me. She wraps her arm around me.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry but she makes it so hard.

"You feeling better."

I shake my head which was a big mistake.

"Well I hope you don't. You want to tell me why you left me at the boring party by myself." She lays her chin on my shoulder.

"Like you don't know."

"Touché, anyway I just came to see if you were alright."

"I'm not"

"Please your fine." She kisses my cheek rubbing her thumb over the spot. "You never did tell my about…um what do you call it…phone sex."

I laugh for a second before feeling like my stomach was trying to escape. Slowly I turn in her arms looking at her through blurry eyes. "It was good."

"Yeah?" She smiles tightly.

"Oh yeah, but then she said something that kind of …scared me."

She shakes her head. "We don't get scared remember,"

"Okay, shocked me."

"Better, now what?"

"She said she wanted to use-"I feel kind of embarrassed talking about this. I know we have never held anything back from each other but this is about Natalia who she hasn't seen naked and that makes a difference.

"Are you blushing." She sits up a little rocking the bed.

I pull her back down. "Don't move so fast. Any way she wants to use things, like toys, straps-ons."

"I see, have you talked about this before."

"No, it just came up, but I don't want to, I mean I do but-"

"So lets stop right there. I already know where this is going. Those name which we promised never to say again, he and she were assholes who were probably hopped up on something. And second this is Natalia we're talking about. I'm pretty sure you could take her if she tried something funny."

"Yea?"

"Oh yea and my last point, you can't spend the rest of your life afraid to step out on the ledge. If this is what you want then go for it but if you don't just tell her that and if she can't accept it then you don't need her you got me." She rolls on top of me holding her self of my sour stomach. "And if you ever need to practice, I'm here." She winks at me.

I can't stop a laugh from bubbling up, but so did whatever I ate yesterday. We both roll as I duck my head into the green mop bucket.

"Oh that is sexy." She holds my hair back.

**Natalia**

The slamming of a car door wakes me, from my uncomfortable sleep on the couch. The sun is already up. She walks through the door in wrinkle clothes and red eyes.

"God Olivia where have you been?" I jump from the couch.

"Out." Her voice was rough but flat, with no emotion or concern.

I sigh. "Olivia please don't do that."

"What did I do this time Natalia?" She throws her hand up.

She actually said my name, something is really wrong. "Shut me out. Walk out on us."

"I didn't. I left to give you and your family time to talk." Her jaw is clenched tight, I'm afraid she might actually break her teeth.

"No you didn't, you ran away from me, because of those stupid files."

She doesn't respond to me, just walks away. I follow her up the stairs and into our room. "Olivia, talk to me."

"There's nothing to say, okay. Go back to sleep."

"No, I can't sleep knowing you're hurting. I know what my father said was hurtful. I told him to leave and never come back." Olivia walks to the closet before pulling out a bag and throwing it on the bed. "Did you hear me? I told him I loved you no matter what happened. Where are you going?" I follow her around the room as she throws more clothes in the bag.

"To the hotel."

"No, Olivia. Did you hear me? I told him to leave and never come back until he respects you." The panic chokes me, until the tears gather in my eyes.

"Well, you shouldn't have."

"Olivia, he was being mean and self righteous. He was wrong." My voice louder that I want it to be. I pull the clothes she stuffed in the suit case out.

"No he wasn't, he was right." She yells. I stare at her in disbelief. "He was right. I don't remember what happened, not all of it. I should have never…"

Rafe burst through the door breaking the tension and her train of thought. "Olivia!" He wraps himself around her legs. She picks him up, settling him on her hip. "You didn't come back. You said you would." I hate the plea in his voice. He needs stability; his life has been full of moving from one place to the next.

"I'm right here superman, I just needed a time out."

"Were you bad?"

"No, just a little mad."

He lays his head on her shoulder, looking at me through long eye lashes.

"He was right. I was all of those things." She says and then kisses Rafe's head.

"You were, were! You're not that person anymore. You changed, we changed."

She shakes her head at my correction.

"What am I supposed to say…" She puts Rafe down. "Superman, me and your Ma need to talk. Can you wait in your room for me?"

"Yes, ma'am." Hesitantly he looks back and forth between us. I nod my head letting him know everything is fine, he leaves running down the hall to play his games, no doubt. "What am I supposed to say to Rafe and Emma. What! Tell them not to do drugs before or after I tell them I was a fucking coke-head for almost 16 years."

I walk over to her, taking her head in between my hands. My thumbs rubs soft circle on her temple. I stare right into her eyes, "Yes that's exactly what you say. You tell them what it does to you, how it can and did effect your life. You tell them all the side effects of withdrawal and don't leave out any detail. Then you tell them you were strong enough to quit. You tell them they meant more to you that that stuff. You say you made a mistake but you corrected it to best of your ability. That's what you say." Her eyes soften as she deflated between my hands. "I know it's hard and that it seems like it never ends but that stuff doesn't matter to us. You matter, what happen here and now is what matter. I trust you more that I trust anyone with Rafe and Emma. I trust you, to do the right thing."

"I'm sorry for leaving I just needed some time to myself."

"I get that and I'm not the best example for not running."

"You had a reason."

"Still. It would be greatly appreciated if you just called or let me know when you need that time. I promise to give it to you." I understand her need to be away, I feel like that sometime, we can't just up and leave. We have two very dependent children that need us both to be strong for them.

"I'm sorry I just didn't want Rafe to see that stuff."

"I know. Just please don't do that to him. He stayed up half the night watching for you." It was just like when he sat in the window of my parent's house waiting for me and Olivia to arrive.

"I'll go talk to him." Before she can leave I pull her into a rib bruising hug.

"What was that for?"

"Cause I love you and nothing will ever change that. Now go take a bath first you smell like stall corn chips." I can see a smile sneak onto her face as she walks into the bathroom

**Olivia**

I take a deep breath before going into Rafe's room. It ridiculous I feel like I going in to the pit of hell. I'm new at this family thing, but I remember what it was like to have a parent walk out. I don't want to be that person to my family; I guess that's why this is so hard. "Superman, you in here." I push his door open. I look around, noticing the flashlight is missing from the bookshelf. He's probably under the bed. "Superman, come out." I sit on the bed waiting for to move. "Please. I want to apologize for not watching the fireworks with you last night."

"You promised."

"I know Superman. I still have some in my car if I can make it up to you." His head pops out from under the bed.

"What kind."

"Some sparklers, roman candles and the tanks."

He rubs his chin weighing his options. "Can I hold the roman candle?"

"Only if you want to lose a hand."

"No."

"Then, no." Quicker than he can react I pull him from under the bed tickling him till he is red in the face.

"okayokay. Please I can't breathe." I stop momentarily letting him take a much needed deep breathe.

"What do you say we get some breakfast and start on them?"

"Deal."

"Deal, come on." I pick him up off the floor, taking him downstairs. Natalia is already in the kitchen cooking eggs. I sit down with Rafe in my lap beside Emma. Of course she crawls onto my other knee. I bounce them on my knees, waiting for Natalia to finish the eggs.

She put two plates in front of us; Emma and Rafe instantly grab the bacon.

"Hey you two I want you to eat those eggs." Natalia pushes the plates towards them.

"Are you hungry Olivia?"

"No baby, I'm okay. So…" I don't know if I should apologize again or let it go.

"So…"

"So…" Emma repeats us both, both of her fist filled with strips of bacon

I burst out laughing at her mimic; she has it down to a T. She is going to be just like Natalia, too much energy and goodness for one person to hold.

"I'm ready!" In a matter of minute Rafe has managed to eat every morsel on the plate.

"Go brush your teeth and we'll get started." Like always he's out the door before I finish.

"Olivia I wanted to tell you something I think we need to talk to Rafe about."

"I already apologized for leaving but if you think taking more about will help, we can." Even if I don't want to, I know we need to reassure him he's in safe and stable hands.

"No not that. When you left he said," she moves closer like it's a secret, "he called you Mom."

"Really!" I don't know why but that's a little scary. I never told him to call me that but I never told him not to.

"Yes really and I think we should talk about it. Like if you even what him to call you Mom."

I think for a second. Rafe calling me Olivia is kind of nice but I want us to be a family all the way through, no his Ma and her partner. "If its okay with you. Emma's already started to say it. I guess it's only natural Rafe uses it to."

"It's fine with me. I had never heard him say it before I just wanted to make sure it was okay with you." She sits back in her chair, deep in thought.

"What's wrong baby?"

She clears her throat. "Nothing," her eyes trail to her ring finger. The tan of her old ring faded to nothing.

Rafe runs back into the room. "Okay."

"Superman hold on a minute, come sit down."

He slowly walks to the chair between us. "I promise I didn't mean to it was an accident."

Natalia's eye furrows. "What was?"

"I poked a hole in the couch with my pencil." He's a good actor, the tears gather in his eye trying to avoid being punished.

"That's not what me and Olivia wanted to talk to you about but we will get back to it. I wanted to talk to you about yesterday."

"Because I pushed grandpa."

That's the first I heard of that. "No Superman, your mother said you called me, Mom."

"I'm sorry." He lays his head on his fold arms. "Jeff at my old school had two moms and he called them both mom." His words are mumble directed towards the table.

Emma pats his shoulder in sympathy.

I run my hand through his curly fair. "Rafe you're not in trouble, we just wanted to let you know that it's okay to call me that. From now on you can call me Mom and not Olivia. Okay."

"Yes ma'am.' He looks up and me happy as a can be, no sign of the crocodile tears from earlier, "Can we go outside now."

Natalia's mother spends most of the day with us. I watch as Natalia hugs her goodbye. She kisses each of the children on the cheek before giving them a dollar. I wait for the rest of my family to go back inside before I approach her.

"Mrs. Rivera, I need to ask you something."

**Natalia**

After a few minutes, Olivia comes back inside with a big smile on her face. Somethings up and she knows how much I hate being left out. "What are you smiling about?"

"What! I can't smile." She can't even make a serious face, she's smiling so hard.

"No, now tell me." I cross my arm showing her how serious I am.

"Later…maybe." She sticks her tongue and I can think of better ways to put it to use. Which reminds me of what start this whole fiasco.

"Olivia, are you ready to talk?"

"About?" She draws the words out, but I know she knows what I'm talking about.

"About the conversation we had over the phone." I see her swallow the lump in her throat. Maybe it's still too early.

"Why are you doing this? It's been such a good day." Olivia leans back against the counter trying to act nonchalant.

I know her too well. She's about to shut down or start a fight. For the short time we've been together I've become quite good at figuring out her next move and defending it. She and I both know, she can't push me away for long, I always find a way to her.

Walking over to her I wrap my arms around her waist and laying my head on her shoulder. Standing in my tight embrace, she's stiff. If I have to stand here all day holding her, I will. "I love you and nothing could change that, not even you."

I hold tighter as her body begins to shake. A stray tear rolls down her smooth cheek dropping onto my neck. It burn me to the core, still it won't deter me. "Whatever it is you can tell me."

"I can't."

"You can." Pulling I wipe the tear from her eyes. "You want to, I know you do."

"You won't understand."

"Try me." A few second of silence creep by without her saying anything or looking me in the eyes. "Have you talked to anyone."

"I'm tired of talking to counselors about it."

"Well talk to me."

Olivia pulls out of my arms. I let her giving her some space. "I want to for you and me. Just the thought of it…but what if I'm not ready and…I want you to be happy…you want me to…and I want to… what if I can't and you…if I never get to that place…you deserve that." I'm trying so hard to follow her line of reason as she jumps from one sentence to the other. "I trust you, I do…in the back of my mind I know…and what if it's like last time."

"Olivia, wait, wait." I stop her rambling. "If you don't want to then that's the end of that discussion. If you want to and you're scared than tell me how to make it better for you. And if we never get to that place, that's okay. I don't care all I want is you to be happy."

The look on her face says she doesn't believe me.

"Olivia, ALL I want is to make you happy. If we never had sex again I would be okay with that and if you decide that you never want to use anything than that's okay too. Don't do it to please me, do it because you want to." I meant every word of it. Nothing would make me happier than knows she's happy. Sex is just a benefit not a deciding factor. In two days I have to go to a conference with Father Ray and I can't leave without resolving this problem in one way or another. We can't spend the rest of our life together beating around it.

"Can I have some time to think? I just want to be sure."

"You can have all the time you want just tell me we are okay."

"We're okay."

God I've had the worst week. First my parents then talking to the women at the shelter conference opened various wounds I thought had healed. The drive back to the farmhouse, filled with unpleasant memories flashing between the new.

When I get to the house it's too quite. I don't hear Emma or Rafe. I look downstairs for my family, I find just empty room. I head upstairs and look in their rooms, finally I head to our room, I can see a light on and the door is closed. I slowly open the door. I have to catch myself on the door frame to stop from falling at the sight before me.

Olivia was sitting on the vanity wearing nothing but white 4 inch high heels. She sits with her legs crossed, chewing on one fingertip.

I think my heart stopped.

"What, cat got your tongue?" She proceeds to uncross then re-cross her legs. Sharon Stone doesn't have anything on my girl. "I got a present for you." She picks up a box holding it in her lap. "Come get it."

On wobbly legs I stagger over to her. I stand in front of her staring into her devilish eyes. "Go head and open it."

It's a medium sized plain white box. I lift the edge of the top. She pulls it out of my hands.

"I think you should take it in the bathroom. And come out with it on" She pushes the box into my stomach. "Go."

Taking the box in the bathroom is the last thing I want to do. "Go or I'll just have to find my clothes." The ultimatum works, I take the box and slip into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. She is always buying sexy underwear. I open the box, wishing we could both go without clothes.

My eyes almost pop out of my head at the item in the box.

**Olivia**

I hear her squeak and I know she's opened the box. I stand with my ear pressed to the door wanting to hear her reaction. There is silence for along minute. Maybe this is too much for her. My nerves get the best of me. "If you don't want to, that's okay; I just thought you would like it."

"Um…no, no I want to, I'm just..."

"There are instructions in there somewhere."

"Okay I'll be out in a sec." Her voice was so high pitch I'm sure dog in town are howling. I couldn't pinpoint whether she was scared or just surprised. I press my ear to the door to figure out what she doing. I can hear the paper rattling, then a frustrated sigh. "Olivia?"

"I'm right here, baby."

"I'm sorry I ruined the moment."

"No not at all. The only way you could do that is if you never came out of that bathroom…You know what just forget it." I try the door knob, but it's locked.

"No I want to do this for you."

"You don't have to. I though you would want to." Maybe i should have gone for a more simpler toy. I just thought the double ended stap-on would give us both pleasure.

"I do. I do, just give me a second." She sound a little out of breathe. "OH GOD…Okay I got it, you ready." Now she sounds nervous, but I expected that.

I run back to the vanity, hopping back on top of it. "Okay." I slip back into seductress, crossing my legs. I wait a minute and the door still hasn't opened. This was a bad ideal.

Just as I'm about to get down, the door opens slowly. She steps out from behind the door in all her glory. I've pictured it so many times but nothing comes close to the real thing. She's so shy sometimes. Her hands cover the appendage attached to the harness. After my initial admiration of her, I go back into my sexy mode.

"Well, well, what do you have for me?" My voice hitches an octave or two. I can't control that, she's so sexy. She stands at the door, refusing to look me in the eye. "Come here." I flex my index finger towards here.

She takes the smallest steps I've ever seen anyone take. The kids walk fastest even when they're in trouble.

Natalia finally makes to me, still looking at the floor. I'm not worried anymore. Even though I can't see her eyes I can see a hint of a smile playing on her lips. I give her something more interesting got look at than the floor. Uncrossing my legs, I spread them. Her eyes jump from the floor to me, her mouth falling agape. I'm fairly sure she trying to find words.

I pull her by the harness between my legs. "I hope you looked in the mirror, because you are so sexy." I run my hand down her back and she trembles. We both know she wanted this more that she would ever care to admit, she was just scared she'd scare me.

I pull her closer and whisper in her ear. "I want you to make me yours."

I can feel the change in her. She stiffens before relaxing and I can feel her smile against my neck.

"You are mine." The conviction in her voice sends a tingle right to my toes. She plants her hands on my thighs, massaging them.

Natalia steps back taking me in. "You know how much I love it when you wear those." Referring to my shoes. I knew she would. "So how long have you been planning this?" Her eyes hold mine as a devilish grin spread across her angelic face.

"Awhile." She steps back to the vanity in between my legs. Her fingers lightly run up and down the outside of my leg. I can feel her extension lying on my thigh. My hips have a mind of their own, rotating search for anything. If she weren't standing in front of me I might have already fallen off.

"Someone is anxious." She laughs in my ear.

If I weren't so turned on I might have been a little perturbed by her mockery. The only thing I can come up with is, "God, yes." Her hands felt like they were everywhere, my back, shoulders, neck, and stomach. She sucks on my pulse point, to the point where I can feel a bruise forming between her lips.

"Please. I can't take anymore." I've been sitting here for two hours waiting for her to come home. It took all my will power not to touch myself.

"Please, what?" She snakes a hand between us, sliding a finger over my moistened lower lips.

I jerk forward at the contact. "That."

"This?" She does it again with more pressure in the right place.

"Baby, please." I beg, pulling on the appendage she wears, between my open legs.

She pulls back, yanking it from my grip. "Ah, ah, ah. Don't touch."

I grip the edge of the vanity, fighting the urge to stroke my own fire.

"Let me make sure you're ready for such a big step."

"I'm ready." She ignores my plea, pulling the chair up to the vanity and sits down. She pulls my feet onto the space beside her in the chair.

"I'll tell you when you're ready." She says it with some much command. It just turns me on some much more.

Our eyes never lose contact as she leans forwards, her tongue moistening her lips. I can already feel them on me. My eyes slam shut as my back arches at the first touch of her tongue. I arch more as she teases me. She knows exactly how to play my body, starting slow then gaining speed with short strokes with a stiff tongue. I can't do anything but follow her lead, desperately hoping for an end to the burning need.

I ride her mouth getting closer and closer to heaven. I feel the familiar tightening in my stomach and chest as my toes dig into the chair.

My legs tremble as I fight to keep them open to her. I almost win until she takes my clit into her mouth, thrashing it with her tongue. My body shivers as it exploded, in a world wind of color and spots. The kaleidoscope of colors twists and turns as I try hard to focus on anything in the room.

"Oh God." I pant.

I can feel her smiling with her lips still hold me, too satisfied with herself, like always.

I lean back against the mirror catching my breath. Natalia stands up, pushing the chair away. "Now you're ready." She whispers in my ear. She pulls my legs loosely around her body. Pulling me till I'm on the very edge of the vanity.

"I love you so much." I clasp my hands behind her neck preparing myself for the next step.

"Yes now let me show you." We both watch as she places the rubber appendage against my opening; our eyes connect as she pushes with her hips.

I didn't think it would happen or just really wishing it wouldn't. My back stiffens as I arch away from the penetration. I close my eyes as they tear up. It still happens when it just her fingers. I let out a frustrating sigh, afraid to open my eye for the fear of seeing the disappointment in her eyes. I started it and once again I can't finish it.

"It's okay Olivia. We'll try another time." Natalia tills my chin up. "Look at me, please." I open my eyes. "I love you no matter what we do. Don't push yourself if you're not ready, not for me."

"I know I just really wanted to be able to do this with you." I really did. It still turns me on just thinking about what it should be like.

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do, with my life."

"With your heart, soul, body?"

"Yes."

"So you know deep down that I would never force you to do anything. IF you say stop I will."

"Yes."

"How about we move really slowly? You tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Okay." It's a start but I really wanted to give her full control. "I want you here." I hold her between my legs.

"I'm here."

"I want you to kiss me." She does, slow as she sucks my tongue into her mouth.

"Okay."

"I want you to…Um" Suddenly my tongue become tied and I become flush at the thought of saying the words.

"This?" She palms my breast messaging, before taking each nipple in her mouth, bathing them with her tongue.

"God yes." My hand tangles in her hair bringing her closer. "I want you inside me now."

Her finger poise for entrance but I stop them before they enter. "No, this." I pull at the extension. "Inside me."

"Tell me when and I'll stop." I place it back at my entrance for her. She watches me for any sign on discomfort as she push inside me. My breathe catches in my throat.

"Olivia?"

"Keep going, please." She slides further inside me, her finger slowly sliding across my swollen clit. For a second my body resists the intrusion, until it's all the way inside me.

I hear her moan as she fights for control of her body.

I rock my hip, feeling my body wrap around the foreign object like a glove. It touches places inside me I forgot about. She looks directly in my eye and it makes me feel so vulnerable, except I don't care. I would gladly walk around the rest of my life this way as long as she is beside me.

"Fuck me baby." I demand. Something in her eyes change, I've seen it before and I love it.

Inch by inch she pulls out, before pushing back inside me. I bit my lower lip, containing a possible scream as she repeats the motion.

Her hands grip my hip hard enough to bruise as she moves faster pulling me against her as our bodies collide in mid air.

"Faster."

Every thrust brings me close to the strongest orgasm I've ever had. She moves at piston speed, her body shining bright with sweat. She alternates between groaning and moaning in my shoulder, they get louder as she gets closer to cumming inside me.

My fingers dig into her back, all the blood in my body stop before rushing to one place in my body. It hits me like a tidal wave slamming me again a wall and all I can do is hang on for the ride.

She moans loudly in my ear, a strangled cry, I don't know if it's from the pain of my nail dragging down her back or from the pleasure of release.

Each push and pull pushes both of our bodies to new heights, dragging the other up. I feel her whole body become rigid. I continue rocking for her, making sure to drag the pleasure out as long as possible.

After a long minute she leans heavily against me, I know how she feels. Her shoulder acts as a pillow, my body still pulsating from the release.

Natalia wipes the sweat soaked hair from my forehead, smiling at me with so much undeserved admiration.

"Have I told you how much I love you lately?" I say half jokingly.

"A few times." She laughs playing with the ends of my hair.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She question kissing down my neck.

"For leaving."

"Don't worry. All is definitely forgiven."

If she can let it go I should too, but it doesn't feel like it should be that easy. "I never meant to hurt you." Maybe I'm just addicted to pain. Maybe I want to torture myself.

"Tell you what you never hurt my feelings again and I'll never eat ice cream?"

I run my fingertip down her exposed back. The fire surges through my veins. Talking is not what I had in mind and I'm hoping I can control myself long enough to explain better. "I'm serious."

"I am too. You can't make a promise like that. What you can promise is to call me. You can promise not to drink and drive and you can promise me that no matter how mad we get, you will always come back to me."

"I promise. Now you promise me something."

"What's that?" She must have felt the heat coming off of me. Her fingernails drag down my back, as we move against each other.

"Promise we'll still have amazing sex in 10 years." I force the words out, before my speech center shuts down.

"Promise even if you gain weight and have a full grown bread."

"You trying to change me into a man?" I nip at her shoulder.

"I'll call you Oliver Twist." gain she laughs which turns into a moan.

I pull her closer needing to feel every inch of us connected. "As long as I'm with you."

"Turn around."

"What?" Her demand surprises me. I'm still trying to regain my sense and sitting on this flat surface is starting to take its toll.

"I said turn around." She takes a step back.

Without another question I get down and turn around watching her through the mirror. Her eyes connect with mine in the mirror. They stay that way as she pushes on my shoulder. I take the hint and bend over. I can feel my wetness flowing down my leg a mixture of the old and the new excitement. In one quick motion she inside me. My lung expand taking in a rush of air. Her stroke quickly pushes the air out the way it came. When I thought she couldn't get any deeper, I feel it slid further and harder than before.

My nails dig into the wood scraping off the paint. It's all too much for one person to take. With in a minute, I'm caught in a web of sweet rhapsody, screaming her name in praises.

**Natalia and Lindsey  
**

"So tell me about last week." Lindsey sits crossed legged in her metal chair across from me, picking at her fries.

"You already know about it."

"Only what you planned, I want to hear how you felt."

"I don't know. It felt good. I mean we got off to a bumpy ride at first, mostly me then her, but we got past it." I shift uncomfortably. Just the thought of it is turning me on.

"Natalia." She says in a motherly tone and I break.

"Okay okay it was fantastic."

"That good huh?"

"I couldn't stop even when I promised to."

"What do you mean?"

"I promised if she said stop I would. And I didn't."

"Why?"

"You tell me." I almost yell at her. She's supposed to have all the answers. "Maybe it's that possessive streak you were talking about. I just wanted her to feel me and never forget what we have. One minute I was fine, the next something just came over me and I hurt her. I never meant to it happened before I could control it."

"So you like the control."

"Yes."

**Natalia**

Olivia has definitely created a monster. We're on our third hour of making love. I think we've tried every position I can think of at least twice. I don't know how to describe it's just so empowering that she trusted me enough. And I couldn't get enough. I've never felt that way. Being inside of her, being able to touch her and watch her.

Olivia's ankle locks behind my back, the headboard banging again the wall in time with my thrusting. I lost count of how many orgasms, at five. The control she had given me takes all my pleasure to new heights.

"Oh, god, baby, please." I barely recognize her voice the pitch is so high.

Lean down whispering in her war, "mine, mine." Whose is it, sounds so cliche.

Looking at her shoulder for a clear spot I find one just in the bend of her neck. She has so many hickey, she looks like she was stung by a swarm of bees. I lick the spot before sinking my teeth into the tender flesh. The taste of metallic fills my mouth as she scream, shaking under me. I thrust harder giving her all I have. Her nails dig into my lower back painfully, but it only serves to push me over the edge of ecstasy with her. Our slow rocking motion slowly comes to a halt. I release her shoulder from my mouth, slowly licking the pebbles of blood away. "God, I love you." I whisper and I mean it with every fiber of my being.

She laughs which quickly turns into a groan, when I grind into her.

I know we'll both be hurting in the morning, but I need more from her. I want her to forever feel me inside her, claiming her.

"Baby, please. I don't think I can go anymore." Olivia pushes at my shoulders.

I refuse to give up that easy. "Yes you can baby. You said that an hour ago." I kiss the soft spots on her neck. Her body squirms beneath mine. "See."

Olivia moans, before trying again. "I just need a few minutes. You promised remember." Even as she say the words her hand flex on my shoulder, pulling me closer. Her legs fall bonelessly to the bed

"Talia, just a second." She pleads.

I rise up looking in her eyes. I finally take in her words. I did promise. A sick feeling slowly settles in the pit of my stomach. My eyes travel to the purplish marks I left all over her upper body, my eyes stop on the shallow bite mark. I trace the bite mark with my finger and the sick feeling takes over my whole body. Not only had I broke my promise but I marked her like she was a piece of property. "I'm sorry." The familiar sting of tears creep in the back of my eyes.

**Olivia**

With one swift move she exits my body. I hiss at the sudden movement. Not that it hurt that much but I'm too sore to move. I feel like jelly as I try to stretch. My eye lids become too heavy to keep open. "Baby this is the part where we cuddle." I laugh, a few years ago this would have been impossible. I don't know if I'm just high off my own hormones or thinking clearly for the first time in a long time, but I think I can do this. This family life is what I've been searching this whole time. Listening to the hum of my body lulls me to sleep. As beautiful picture of our life fly by behind my eyes.

A chill creeping up my back wakes me from the best dream I've had in a while. I focus on the clock to find I've only be sleep for three minutes. What's even more frustrating is that the warm body of Natalia is nowhere in sight. I sit up on the bed staring at the closed door of the bathroom. I don't hear any water and I'm starting to worry. Something has to be wrong or she would be here like she should be.

I walk over to the door listening for any sound. "Natalia?" She doesn't answer. I try the knob, but it locked.

**Natalia**

"I don't know I just panicked. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. You don't know how it felt." Trying to explain it to Lindsey is like reliving it all over. "I became everything I never wanted to be."

"You don't believe that."

"I did. I promised to stop and I didn't then I bit her, BIT HER. And the worst part is I meant to do it. I wanted to mark her as mine to let everyone know she belongs to someone."

"And?"

"AND? That's something He would do. You can't own people or control them. I don't want to own Olivia." She doesn't get it. I don't want to own Olivia.

"Yes you do."

"What?"

"You do want to own her and it perfectly okay."

"No its not"

"It is. Sure your jealous of Wolfe but you want to keep her safe. You want her to be yours. It's okay to want something that's just yours, that's just for you. I understand what you're saying, but you can't compare what you did to what he did. You didn't do it out of angry or malice. But what happened next."

**Olivia**

"Baby, open the door." I listen closely. Faintly I hear her sob. I can't believe she's crying. I walk back over to the nightstand grabbing the metal nail file. As I try to pry open the lock I notice my shoulder starts to hurt and for the first time I realize there's a bite mark decorating it. I'm going to feel that in the morning. Still I use all my strength to open it. The door pops open.

Silently I approach Natalia. She somehow squeezed between the tub and toilet her forehead resting on her knees. Another sob escapes from the cocoon she's built.

"Talia it's kind of rude to run out on me like that." It's not the best thing to say but I need to figure out what the problem is before I can try to solve it. In the few minutes she's been in here her eyes have turn red and tear track already have formed and dried on her face.

I reach out to touch her but she pulls tighter in her little space. "Baby, please talk to me. You're scaring me."

"Scaring you?" She shakes her head in what I can only guess disappointment.

"Baby just tell me what's wrong and we'll fix it."

"Don't call me that." Her voice was harsh with emotions. She holds her head back sniffing the mucus back. "I broke my promise to you."

"When?"

"Just now, you said stop and I didn't but the worst part is I didn't want to. And look at what I did to your shoulder." Her hand suspends in the air, like she reaching out to the mark but decided against it. "Marked you like something to claim."

"What! Baby no. If I really wanted you to stop I wouldn't have proposed those positions and as for this." I point at the mark. "There is no one else in the world that I would rather be claimed by. I think I did ask you to make me yours." I sit down on the cold tile floor in front of her. "But no more vampire flicks for you." I try to lighten the mood.

Natalia shakes her head in disagreement.

"Yes, baby. To prove it to you I'm going to make it scar than get it out lined with ink. Maybe we'll get matching tattoos." I pull her legs away from her body. She scoots forward.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, her eyes locked onto the love bite.

"You can't be because there's nothing to be sorry about." Switching my position I sit back on my heels. "But is you really want to make it up to me." I guide her onto the floor, settling between her parted legs.

"Do you really think I'm going to have sex on a bathroom floor?"

"Yes," Slowly I start to kiss down her body. I've always loved the way she responds to me. Her body lifts off the floor with every kiss "why not" _kiss_ "we've done it in a public restroom" _kiss_ "in the tub" _kiss_ "against the door" _kiss_ "and somehow on the commode." I stop at my destination. The sweet aroma assaults my sense. I've always thought of her as a drug. The slight smell or taste and I'm floating.

The weirdest thing happens, life flash before my eyes again; past and present. Suddenly this is real. I could spend the rest of my life with this one person, for some reason it does scare me like it used to. Maybe I should have thought of this before I asked her mother for Natalia's hand. Like an anchor Natalia's hand comb through my hair, pulling me down to her fountain.

**Natalia**

"So everything worked fine."

"Yes but she's been distant since that night."

"How so?" Lindsey comes to sit on the couch beside me.

"I don't know. Sometime I catch her staring but she'll look away. Or she'll be gone with Doris without telling me where she's been. She just seems distracted. And my relationship with Doris is still... like the only thing we have in common is Olivia."

"You think they're having an affair."

"It's just irks me sometimes that when she goes out with her she can't tell me where they went or what they were doing." I take a sip from the bottle of water sitting at my feet.

** Doris**

"So, everything went fine?" I shift in my seat. She knows I get uncomfortable talking about Natalia but I guess we are going to have to get along some where down the road

"Actually it was better than fine. I don't think I could love anyone more than I love Natalia." Olivia beams with the brightest smile only a child on Christmas morning could pull off.

"So why are you being secretive. You know she told Blake she thinks we're…" I motion between me and her.

"What?" Her eye bug out of her head.

"Yes, so why don't you tell me what's going on."

"Lately I been thinking a lot and I've come to a conclusion."

"And what is that?" I ask curious as to what Olivia could have been contemplating without me knowing.

"This." She pulls out a little black box. A diamond the size of my eye comes in to view when she flips the lid. For the first time in ages, I'm speechless.


	4. October 2018

the characters are not but all mistakes are mine

**PRESENT October 2018**

**Olivia**

"So how long has this been happening and I want the truth."

I swing my feet of the side of the table tying the paper thin gown. I would think a woman with a good practice could afford better patient gowns.

I've always thought doctors were just perverts who like to see people's asses. Why else would they get gown like this, beside the fact that they can rip out easily in an emergency, but that is besides the point.

"Olivia?"

"Oh, um. I don't know a couple of months maybe longer, depends on which symptoms you're talking about." My back straightens at the cold touch of her stethoscope.

And why are they always cold especially the things they insist on touching you with.

"Relax and take a deep breathe."

That's easy for her to say she's not freezing her nipples off.

"Another."

Her cold hands creep up my back to my shoulders. "What happened here?" She fingers the faded mark of Natalia.

"Bite mark."

She laughs like she knows how embarrassing it is to explain it every time I have an examination.

"Mmh, Territorial?"

I bit my lip to keep a laugh in, yes she is.

For the third time since last month, a doctor explains what they found on the x-ray. Dr. Rooks points out the same thing. Enlarged heart, failing, death.

So this is it. After a month of being on four different types of medicine not much has changed. The pain has lessened, I have a little more energy and I've come to terms with this. "So what's next?" My first doctor referred me to Dr. Rooks.

He said I needed more attention the medicine wasn't working and my health is still deteriorating. I would rather stick with her anyway. She is much nicer that the other and at least she has the decency to at least seem sympathetic.

Plus she's not located in Springfield and still she's a short drive away.

"I want to start you on different medication immediately and I see you're already on the transplant list. Do you have any family you would like to come? I find it much easier on the patient if someone is here for moral support."

"Moral? You got the wrong person."

She shifts her weigh looking a bit frustrated. "So tell me now if your going to fight because if your not"

"I am…its just I haven't told anyone yet." I fix my eyes on the chart of the human body. Biology was a subject I enjoyed. I never wanted to be a doctor, playing god never excited me. I'm more of the devil, tempting people till they were as dirty as I was and move to the next.

I guess that's where karma comes to play. All the crappy things I've done have finally come to bite me in the ass. God knows I've gotten away with murder.

"Lets get some history, and I want the truth or this will never work."

I just nod. I know she already has it. Doctors just want you to recall every humiliating E.R. visit. "Where do I start? As a child I was hardly sick. My Dad died when I was 12 of a heart attack, too much drinking. My mother is somewhere on this planet still kicking. I use cocaine regularly for about 15, 16 years. More on than off, but I quit a lot. I've been clean for almost ten years but I relapsed about seven or eight of years ago, but only for about a week or two. I over doses a couple of times before and was hospitalized, with seizures. I think I stayed in the hospital for a week and a half or two weeks. I've had seizure here and there but not regularly. There's really not a pattern or anything."

"Are you only any medication for the seizures?"

"They gave me something but I don't take it."

"Ok. Anything else you want to tell me?"

"Nope, nothing else."

"Ok. Here's what we are going to do today. I want to get a stress test and an EKG to see how strong your heart is at the moment. That will tell us how much time we are working with."

"Time, uh."

"Don't worry. It will be quick and somewhat painless." She walks to the sink in the corner washing her hands. "Are you sure you don't want anyone here with you?"

"Lets just get this over with; I obviously don't have much time to waste."

"Okay do you have a regular doctor?"

"Coincidently I do know a heart surgeon?"

"And you didn't feel comfortable going to her?"

"Hell no. She'll tell her wife who will tell my wife who will freak. And I don't want her to worry before I know what's going to happen first."

"So you come to Chicago to see me?"

"Pretty much."

"I feel honored so why don't you call me Jackie."

"Jackie it is."

"So how about those test." She claps her hands.

"Just not the treadmill."

"Oh, yes the treadmill is near in our future."

**Rafe**

Oh yea I'm the man, I'm the man. I just aced my history test and no more maths. I don't know how Olivia did it but I get to do work release instead of a full day of school and home school math. "No more assholes. No more assholes." I sing almost skipping into the lobby of the hotel.

"Hey, Mr. Rivera."

Maria the more than sexy maid waves at me. If I were 18 I would have already hit that and if I weren't with Brittany most of the time. But I'm sure even she would excuse me for that one. "Hi, Maria." I wave at her, turning around to see her walk away. The things I would do to that woman.

"Careful young man you don't want to get her in trouble."

I turn around looking at Greg behind the desk pretending to straighten it.

Yea he wants me too, everyone does. "Yea, whatever."

"She's upstairs."

Alright up to work. After two week of working beside Olivia I finally moved up from coffee running to filing. Next month I'm sure I'll be running this place and she can retire.

Oh yea I can see it now, hot tubs every where, bikini mandatory, no men allowed except for me. Ha, I'd probably get tired of sex…nah, never.

It's not like I'm in a drought, ever since me and Brittany hooked up she all up in arms about me hooking up with other chicks, but who could blame me. I'm the son of Olivia Spencer, God-son of Doris Wolfe; I can't help it if girls and grown women throw themselves at me. I'm 17 what am I supposed to do, say no. Yea right.

If anything I'm going to be just like them. My name will be sketched on every single and married woman's headboard.

When people enter the town the first thing they'll be warned of is to watch their wife, daughter, aunt, hell when I get old grandmothers. Eww, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.

Yea but that's how it going to be. I'ma bed hop for the rest of my life and who knows maybe I'll have a son who'll follow after us or maybe Alex. Shit by the time I die the Spencer legacy will be printed on billboards.

The elevator opens up into the foyer. "Mom?"

No answer.

"Mom?" I throw my backpack down knowing she's going to fuss later about throwing it at the entrance. "Mom, I'm here. I was thinking that maybe I could conduct a staff meeting with housekeeping." But mostly just Maria, show her how to soak some sheets. "Mom?" What the hell is she doing?

I make it to the bedroom. There she is sleeping in the middle of the day. "Mom?" I walk over shaking her shoulders.

"Hm, what?" She barely opens her eyes with are blood shot. I suddenly notice she has bags under her eye and she's kind of pale despite the tan she usually wears even in the winter.

"I'm here for work."

"Okay, see if Greg needs some help I'm just going to take a nap." She rolls over without another word.

I don't want to help Greg. I wanted to work with her, were supposed to be a team, she's supposed to be teaching me how to run this place.

Her phone begins to vibrate on the night stand. I pick it up reading the screen, 'Rodney'. That fucking asshole is back in town.

No she wouldn't do that not after last time she wouldn't. Would she?

I erase all his calls and messages pulling out my own phone.

An hour later Brittany pulls up into the park with the burgers she promised. "Hey, I thought you were a working man now." She walks up trying to kiss me, but I lean back. "What?'

"Nothing." I take the burger out of her hand, taking a big bite. I thought I wanted some company but I don't. I wish she would leave now.

"What's wrong with you?"

"God! Would you stop asking me that, I said nothing!" Control it Rafe, control it. I take a couple of deep breathes. "I'm sorry it just Mo…Olivia…she sleeping in the middle of the day." I expect her to look confused but it seems like a realization hits her and she's wrong. "Don't even say it." I cut her off before she can say anything.

"Rafe" She sighs trying to figure out how to deliver bad news "you have to admit she's been acting kind of funny and I heard my Lindsey talking to Natalia-"

"Shut up." I smash the burger in my hand, the mustard and mayo drip onto my new white shoes.

"Rafe"

"I said shut the fuck up Brittany, she isn't." I throw my burger on the ground, she steps back like I'm going to hit her. I'm not, I'm not like that. Olivia told me that. Olivia told she wouldn't relapse she said she wouldn't and I believe her. I believe her!

"I didn't sneak out of school for this. I'm trying to help you."

"Leave me alone."

"Fine, but you know what Rafe. You're always claiming to be such a big man you act like a child sometimes." She points her finger in my face and for a second I think about breaking it. "She's not Superwoman, she is a human being and people slip sometimes. No one is perfect"

"Shut up Brittany!"

"Fine" She storms away to her car.

What the fuck does she knows, nothing that's what. And if Olivia did slip it's that asshole's fault or mine.

**Doris**

"Okay, I'm here, what's the big emergency." I sit on the couch beside Olivia, my best friend for what seems like decades. And I hate myself for it. I hate that she knows I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I hate that I can't deny her anything and I hate it because after all the shit I've dealt with, almost losing my life, freedom and over all happiness I still run to her aid. But that's what friends are for right? Plus I know she'll run to me to.

But I don't call her as much as I used to. I know she shouldn't drop everything and come to me. She has a family and as much as I try to fell like I'm part of it, I think we both know Natalia would rather me not be around.

Sure she tolerates me and I do the same but we'll forever but heads for Olivia's attention. I can't help myself, I'm an A type personality. When someone challenges me I push back and hard. I won't quit until they give up. Over the years I've always had Natalia on the ropes one punch from a knock out, one second from a tap out or one hug or kiss away from imploding. But I back off for Olivia's sake. Because no matter how many pieces I pick up I'm not that person. No matter how I pretend, I'm not a nurturer. Natalia is a natural so I let her help pick up the pieces. I was here first and I'll be here last. It's just how I am and nothing can change that.

Why? Because I love Olivia. I always have since the first time I met her in that dingy bar betting on whether I could bed her that night. And despite what everyone thinks I don't love Olivia like that. Sure the sex was good but it goes deeper that than. It's a bond that we agreed on that links us as well as Rodney. It's just a bond of family. But love is a funny thing. I don't love like Olivia does. She's always been a true romantic. No matter how many times I've tried to reason she still believes in it. It's just as well; it makes her happy to know there is something in the world beside winning and sex. It's also her Achilles heel. So that's why I grit my teeth and listen to what Natalia did this time. Because even if I don't believe in love I believe in Olivia and if she thinks it's real than so be it. I won't argue, just pick up the pieces.

"Earth to Olivia." I wave my hand in front of her face, she's barely blinked since I sat down, staring at the folder in her lap. Folders are never good.

"I love you Doris."

"Um, I already know that." I laugh nervously, because when Olivia starts a conversation with I love something bad is about to happen, so I prepare myself for it. Brave as ever. "What's wrong? Is Natalia still being stingy with the sex; because Amanda called me yesterday asking about you? So if you what a side thing-"

She gets up from her seat, pouring a glass of ginger ale for her and a glass of brandy for me.

"What are you doing, you know it's too early to be drinking." She hands me the glass clinking her with mine.

"You know what has always attracted me to you."

"My gorgeous looks." I toss my hair back, which has always been one of my best features, even with crazy colors.

She smiles, sadly. "It the way you never let anything faze you. When your parents showed up at your graduation, when your sister sends you a picture of her newborn, or even when I told you I had been raped. You never let those things bother you. You step up to the plate, hit a homerun and don't even bother to run the bases. Stoic that's what you are"

"So why are we talking about baseball instead of what's wrong."

"You're my best friend and always will be no matter what."

"Olivia?"

"That's why I'm telling you this because it's killing me literally. I thought that maybe I would just keep it to myself until I knew something more to until I just dropped one day. But I can't because it's killing me and I need someone to be there when I can't. I need some one to look after Natalia and the kids. I need you to help me."

Oh, no. When Olivia says she needs help, something is definitely wrong. I've suspected it for a couple of week now. She's been hiding in this hotel in the room, or too tired to even go to lunch with me. Hell I even get calls from Natalia asking if something was wrong.

So I'll be that stoic person she knows. We'll go to Oregon try this sobriety thing again. Get a new fresh start so she can get back to her life and I can get back to my bed with currently is occupied by a very attractive nurse.

No problem. Nope, none what so ever. We've been though this and we can do it again. "When do you want to lea-"

"I'm dying."

"What?" I clutch the glass in my hand afraid it was slipping from my grasp and that wouldn't be very stoic. Show no emotions, show none. Not the time to breakdown.

"I went to a doctor, several. They say I have a heart condition…I'm dying."

I literally see some of the weight fall from her shoulders but I feel like it jumped from hers to mine. Olivia is dying.

"I um, need you to look over some documents for me, just my will and some things." She fidgets with the folder in her hand. "I never knew how much stuff I had to tie up. All these accounts and stocks and…everything.'

Olivia is dying, that can't be right. This, the woman who has survived more than I care to admit and now…

"I know it's a lot to take in at once but I really need you."

Olivia is dying.

Shake it off. "Of course, I get right on it." I knock the whole glass of brown liquid back wanting to feel the burn. But even the burn doesn't soothe the pain of…Olivia's dying. I see the tear prick at the side of her eyes so I get up, pulling her into my arms. "It's going to be fine." I pull back. "Don't worry, I'll find the best doctor to get on it."

"You're the first to know so if you could try to keep this in the closet. I'm waiting to tell Natalia."

Olivia's is dying.

"Of course. But you probably want o start having sex with her again before she calls the national crisis center." I hold my hand up stopping whatever question. "Blake."

She nods, knowing that is all a person has to say.

It's funny how one moment you can feel so close to a person even when they are miles away but when you're in the same room they feel so far away. And I don't even want to think about time. It's a bitch and not the good kind.

Olivia is dying.

"You look tired, why don't you go to bed."

Olivia is dying.

She laughs a little. "I just woke up." She nods her head staring at the floor. "I'm so scared to sleep. Who knows if I will wake up and it's just making everything worse."

Olivia is dying.

"We're not scared of anything. It's going to be okay." Olivia is dying.

"I hope so."

Olivia is dying.

The elevator dings as the doors opens. She straightens her back a little. "So anyway, if you could get on that for me."

"No problem." I sit my glass down turning to the intruder. "Hi, Raphael."

"Hey." He grumbles.

"Rafe you're late." Olivia calls from behind me.

"Whatever." He huffs under his breathe as he walks past me.

Ah, the reason I never wanted kids, teenagers.

**Rafe**

"I'm not late. I came earlier and you were sleeping."

"Oh. Well I thought we would go to the office and I'd show you how to read the budget today."

"Yea that'd be cool." Shit she looks high as hell. Maybe. I don't really know what people look like high on coke, weed maybe but not coke. What the fuck is so good about the shit anyway. What the hell is that guys name at school that does it. Damn this is going to irk me.

"So you want to go now or later?"

"Later."

"You sure?"

She doesn't even look like she can get off that couch. Am I sure? Hell yea I'm sure. Why would she ask then ask if I'm sure. I can make my own decisions. "Yea."

Sidney Undra that his name, they say he's a coke head.

"You want to get lunch?"

Hell yea. When have I ever turned down spending time? Argh. God why do I revert to some little shithead around her? What is it about her? She's a fucking crack head and I'm still running to get my shoes when every time she gets up. I'm a man, a fucking man. I need to grow up. She's not superwoman or wonder woman she's not even my real parent. I just came along with the deal. "Nah I'll finish filing some papers and meet you in the office."

She slumps back against the couch cushion.

Is it me? First Nicholas. No matter how many times he yelled or called me stupid I still called him Dad. And now her. I'm not a kid anymore; I don't need people to look up to. I don't need a model. "I still want to be like you." I whisper not really meaning to say it out loud.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing." It's pathetic. Actually wanting to grow up to be like a drug addict, but I do. I gotta find Sidney's number.

**Olivia**

Shit I don't want to do this. I have this funny feeling this could kill me. But it's necessary. I can't have Natalia worrying about me or thinking I've relapsed.

Doris is right, if I ever want to keep this a secret I have to act like nothing is wrong. I have to start working out again and having sex with my wife like I used to. Nothing can change. There is just this nagging feeling that this could be my last rump in the sheets. My head is already hurting and my chest feels congested. Its just been one of those days

I think this whole disease is a mind over matter thing. Before I even knew what was going on I was feeling okay. Nothing like I have been feeling. Or it could be what the doctor said the progression. But I vote that I might be making it worse. Until I knew I could kind of walk up steps, I could get through sex; I could do a lot of things without the constant weight on my chest.

This is something I have to do. Something I have to do. All I have to do is keep telling myself that and I'll be okay. I'll be okay.

Slowly I push the door to our bedroom open. Natalia is already on the bed but I know she's not sleeping. If she were one arm would be hugging my pillow and the other would be hanging off the side of the bed.

"Baby?" I have to do this.

"Your home early." She flips over rises up to her elbows, starting at me with a look I can't decipher. She's either worried or mad. By the sound of her voice, she's working up to being mad.

"Yea well I missed you a whole lot." I walk to the bed trying to muster my best bedroom eyes.

"You did?" Her mood shifts a little as her voices raises an octave or two.

My eyes must be working.

"Of course and I know we haven't been spending nearly enough time to together and that's my fault." I straddle her on the bed. God I don't want to do this. "I thought I could make it right."

"Well what did you have in mind?" Her eyes are glued to my chest. Always have been.

"I thought we could go to a movie…or we could just have sex."

"Sex." Natalia says so fast I hardly finish my sentence. She rolls us so that she is on top her favorite place. "Definitely sex."

I love Natalia even more I love that she's a top. She's more like a butch that she would ever admit. I think I might actually have lead the way tonight, she like foreplay. I'm not really feeling like I can stay awake after release. If she wants to get of she'll understand…soon enough.

I guess slowly in not on her mind tonight. She has me out of my top within a few second and is working on my pants.

She kisses up my body, even after all these year igniting flames under her touch. I can already feel my heart beating out my chest. Al I have to do is make it through this and I think she'll be satisfied.

This is not going to work at all. I still have my panties on and already I can't breathe. If this keeps up I'll pass out before I can get off.

**Natalia**

"Yessssssssss." That was good. I tug on Olivia's hair. I can't take anymore. God the things that tongue can do to me. "You win."

"You sure." She licks on my collar bone.

I pull Olivia down on top of me. "Oh, yea!" My body already feels like jelly. I might stroke out before the fourth orgasm.

"I love you Mrs. Spencer."

I playfully tap her shoulder. "Still trying, uh?"

"Well if you would just take my name I wouldn't have to." Before I can respond she covers my mouth. "You know what forget it. No reason to start this conversation." She rolls over pulling me on top of her.

I don't know how many way I could say I love this woman. There is nothing that she wouldn't do for me or the children. I'm happy when she's happy and down when she is. And it always seems like it's me who brings her down, probably because of my constant questioning. What she holds as value is still somewhat foreign to me. If its one thing I know, I know when something is wrong. I can feel it in my heart, I just know it. And something is wrong. It's not just because of the lack of sex. It's not the disappearing, the cough, or the lack of sleep. It's everything, the little things. The way she looks at me or won't because the guilt, sense of lose in her eyes. It's the way she kisses me like she going away. It's the way she hugs me, hesitant to let go. It's just the way I feel the connection between us straining and I don't know why.

I lay my head above her breast wishing it were all in my head. I wish I was delusional or blind with jealously. Somewhere inside of me I know it's not. Something is wrong and I want to know what.

"Olivia?"

"Hmm?"

I want to ask her everything but there is a loud thumping in my ear that makes me forget everything I was going to say. "Baby your heart is beating kind of fast."

"That's just what you do to me." She wraps her arm around me puling me closer.

Slightly I pull away looking at her with her eyes closed. She looks so tried but not like last month. Last month we hardly spoke because she was so tired. I know she was busy trying to help Rodney get back on the wagon and with the hotel. I thought maybe it was all in my mind or maybe they had partied too much. That was until he disappeared again and now there is no one to blame but Olivia. "Olivia?"

"I'm not Natalia. You can test me if you want."

"NO." I want to trust Olivia. She might have given me reason in the past not to but I want to. If she says she's not than she's not.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I kiss her shoulder before lying down to drift into a restless sleep waiting for Olivia to move away. "Its not that I don't trust you-" It's too late. She's already sleeping, snoring softly, just a little louder than normal. And that's the other small thing. I know Olivia and when something is bothering her does little things to feel like she has a handle on something. I just hope that secret won't tear us apart.


	5. 2012

**JAIL CELLS AND WEDDING BELLS**

**December 2011**

"Okay so where is the new ring?" the D.A. asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I tried to play innocent, she knows me. I have four rings in a safe, I just can't decide on which one is better. This one I've been foolishly carrying in my pocket. I like it better. I think its kind of simple but with plenty of diamonds.

"Come on cough it up. I want to see it." Doris holds out her hand, tapping her foot, impatiently.

I pull the black box out of my pocket, placing it in the out stretched palm.

Doris opens the box. Her eyes grew big, and her jaw drops. If she thinks it's too much, than Natalia will freak.

"I knew it. It's too much."

"Too much? How much did you pay for this?"

"One."

"Million" Doris says breathless.

"But look, it's inscribed… And it has a 24 carat gold band and look at those diamonds all the way around. "

"Olivia…"

"I know I just got carried way. You think she will like it."

"I'm sure she will love it. Just don't tell her how much it cost." Her eyes never leave the diamond in the middle.

She snaps the box closed.

"You think I'm rushing."

Doris hesitates. She never hesitates to give her opinion. "No, if this is what you want, go for it."

She doesn't really mean that. She doesn't think I should do it. I knew it. I'm rushing things when Natalia said she wanted to go slow. I'm rushing things. "What if she says no?"

"She won't. I'm pretty sure you could propose to her with a funyun ring and she would say yes." She hands the box back to me, and suddenly I'm too nervous to leave.

"What if she needs more time? What if I'm rushing it?"

"And what if you're standing here wasting time instead of proposing to your girlfriend." Sitting behind her desk, I can see what she's thinking. _If Blake finds out than she's in trouble_. Blake already knows, I needed help. I should probably mention that.

I sit on the couch watching Rafe play on of his video games, contemplating on how time flies. I still remember the skinny little seven years old who loved to jump off stairs.

"Rafe, pause your game, for a second." He pauses the game, turning to face me. "Come here I want to talk to you."

He crawls on the couch beside me. The look on his face says he thinks he's in trouble. There go those puppy eyes and the sad face, trying to force tears.

"You're not in trouble so stop with the sad face." He perks up at the news. "You remember when you said I could marry your mom?"

"Yep." He bounces on the couch.

"You still mean it?" I don't know why I'm so nervous. My hand are sweating, my heart skips a beat waiting for him to answer.

He rubs his bare chin before answering my question. "Okay but let me see the ring first."

I laugh. Everyone wants to see the ring_. _I hand him the box.

"Wow." It's a lot coming from Rafe. "That's cool how much did it cost?"

"A lot."

"You didn't ask Emma?"

"When you're right you're right." We both walk over to the two year olds fenced in play area. I kneel down on my knees, sitting on my heels. She runs over to me pulling at my collar, standing on my knees. She got into the habit of giving spit filled kisses. She leaves one on each cheek.

"Emma?"

"Hello!"

"Hello, baby girl. You don't mind if I ask your Ma to marry me, right?"

"E.M.M.A…R.I.V.E.R.A!"

"Um, is that a yes?" I look at Rafe for confirmation. He shrugs his shoulders. "I'll take it as a yes. So it settled. I'm going to need you guys help."

"Mom, look at this." Rafe pulls Emma off my lap, standing her in the middle of the floor.

"Emma! Play dead." She falls on her behind and slowly lies down. After a few second a giggle erupt from her prone body.

"Emma! Play zombie!" Emma stands up; her arms hang stiffly out front of her as she walks in circles, moaning. It's disturbing, but I laugh anyway. Her version of Frankenstein is the best I've seen in a while.

"Emma! Emma! Who am I? Say who I am." Emma giggles before answering. She points in the air.

"Air, bird, plane, SUPERMAN!" She screams jumping up and down. Happy she remembered the tricks.

Rafe looks at me waiting for my input.

"That's good superman, but why don't you teach her something important."

"Important?"

"Yea, like to tie her shoe or more colors."

"But that is boring and she already can count, what else is there."

"There are other important things."

He shrugs his shoulder before running back to his game.-

I check the scene in the park, one more time. Candles, drinks, ring, music, and kids? _Where are they?_  
Blake pulls up to the park. Rafe jumps out running towards me. He jumps into my arms. Soon he'll be too big to for me to pick him up.

"Superman, you save anyone today?"

Blake holds Emma's hand as she wobbles towards us, Emma breaks away trying to run through the snow.

"Emma almost fell but I caught her." Putting him down, I reach for Emma.

"Good job Rafe. That's what big brothers are for." I hoisted Emma onto her hip. "Thank you Blake."

"No problem, I'll call you later to see how it went."

"Okay, you two here is the plan."

**NATALIA**

Blake told me to meet her here. She wouldn't say why. I guide the car into the park spot. The metal sign in front of the parking space startles me. It has my name on it. 'Reserved for Natalia' I'm so busy reading and re-reading it the knock on the window makes me scream. Rafe is standing at the window with one purple and one blue rose. His smile is wide showing all his teeth. I open the car door stepping out. "Rafe what are you doing here, without a coat. Where's Olivia?"

He holds the roses up for me take. "You have to follow the trail of lights." He points across the park then runs off, disappearing into the snow covered trees.

I step onto the snow covered grass trying to figure out his cryptic message. Walking across the park until it see a long line of candles, sitting in the snow with rose petals scattered around them. There must be hundreds of them. I follow them and the sound of music over the bridge and around the frozen pond. The last is placed at the steps of the gazebo. I step inside to find a note and Emma with a box.

"Baby girl what are you doing out here?"

"Mama" She lifts a black box up to me. I take it, trying to pick her up, but she run away.

I turn to see where she went and I come face to face with Olivia. Jumping back in alarm, I drop the box.

"God you scared me!" I laugh, stopping when she doesn't. Her face is stone serious.

She picks the box up, twirling it in her hands.

"Open the note." It's a command, but her voice wavers a little.

I slowly open it reading the words written in cursive, in blue and purple crayon. _Will you marry me? _Signed by Superman and scribble. I'm guessing its Emma attempt at signing her name.

"Olivia?" The air leaves my body in one fell swoop. I look in her green eyes, they shine with unleashed tears.

She opens the box, presenting a ring with too many diamonds to count. The setting sun's light bouncing off the diamonds, creating a prism in each one.

My knees give out; suddenly I'm sitting on my heels. Olivia follows suite, kneeling on one knee.

"I know we've been through a lot but I can't image spending my life with anyone else. Natalia Rivera will you marry me?"

The tears pooling in my eye make it hard to see much of anything. "God, yes. YES!"

She slides the ring onto my trembling hand, then place a kiss each of my knuckles.

"Did she say yes?" Rafe run to us and straddles Olivia knee facing me.

Olivia holds up my hand showing them the ring. "I told you she would." He tells Olivia before addressing me. "She was scared; she even threw up over there. Come see it Ma, it looks like chili."

"Maybe later Rafe." I tell him. I'll never understand boys' fascination with gross things.

Olivia wipes the tears from my eyes. "You don't know how happy you've made me, since the day I met you."

"I love you." It's the only thing I can think of when she looks at me the way she is.

"I say, we celebrate. How about ice cream or hot chocolate."

"ICE CREAM" Emma screams right in my ear.

Oh my god I can't wait to tell everyone.

I run into the restaurant, sprinting to our regular table. Lindsey and Blake are already there. I don't even wait to sit down to say hi before I stick the ring in their faces. "Olivia asked me to marry her!" I hold the side of the table to stop from jumping up and down.

"Oh MY GOD!" Lindsey stands up hugging me followed by Blake.

We must look crazy, three women screaming and jumping in the middle of this restaurant.

We finally settle down in our seat. I'm so excited I can't even sit still. I really want to go back home. But I need to give Olivia an hour or two to recuperate from our all night love making session.

"And cut the crap Blake I know you already knew."

Blake smiles shrugging her shoulders.

"You knew and didn't tell me." Lindsey turns to her offended.

"What! You can't keep a secret." Blake plucks a roll out of the bread basket.

"I can too." Lindsey looks at me.

I look away knowing she is going to ask anyway.

"Can't I Natalia?"

"Um," I shallow the rest of the answer. "Anyway the reason I called you…I want you two to be my brides maid."

"Get out of here!" Blake says spitting pieces of bread out.

"I can't think of anyone else who I would love to have standing up there with me."

"It would be an honor." Lindsey having forgotten about the unanswered question says with her eye sparkling with tears.

"I'm so excited. I didn't even think she was thinking of proposing. It just caught me by surprise." I nervously fold and unfold the napkin on the table. "There is some much to plan, I'm going to need a load of help."

"That what we are here for, but one thing first." Blake holds up her finger pointing accusingly at me. "You can not, will not put us in ugly dresses or I resign here and now."

"No ugly dresses. Scouts honor."I hold up my three fingers.

"Are you sure you are ready?" It's always up to Lindsey to make a person stop and think in an exciting moment.

"I am." That's all there is. I love Olivia. There is nothing else I want more that to spend the rest of my life loving her and our children. Everything else will fall into place.

"I'm just asking because just last week you were complaining about her not opening up to you and not to mention Doris."

Oh God. Why do I have a psychiatrist for a best friend? "I know but I think everything will fall into place. And last week I told you I saw them cuddled in bed. I told Olivia I didn't like the fact of her and Doris in bed. If she had a bad dream I should be the one holding her. I can't help that I get a little territorial when it come to Wolfe. Plus I think she does it on purpose." I turn my focus to Blake.

"What! Don't look at me! I don't control her."

"Any how, congratulations. We are going to throw you the best bridal shower in decades. I'm talking about the Hangover times 5."

"Congratulations."

"Congratulations."

"Congratulations."

The women say as I walk to my office in the back of the shelter.

"Congratulations." Remy waves up at me under a pile of children jumping on his back.

"Thank you Remy."

He's been our acting security, just in case some abusive asshole shows up. It's the only thing I let Olivia handle. She pays him good. Plus his is great with children.

I keep walking not wanting to stop for the hundred time today and recognize the children injuries. From broken arms and ribs to stitches and skull fractures. I would rather glance at them to see happy kids right now that to see the hurt and pain they are facing and will face in the future.

I make it to my office carrying our new arrivals bundle of joy. The little girl is only 3 months old and already has a black eye. The mother says the baby was shaken by her boyfriend. The doctors don't know if she will have any permanent damage. I hope not. Dana seems like she could be a good mother if she could get away from her boyfriend.

Alicia is so cute even with the horrible injury. I sit behind my desk with her cradled in my arms.

God I just want to take her home with me. But I promised Olivia that I would not try to adopt every child and family that walks through that door.

I took a fussing Alicia so Dana could get some sleep.

"You are just so cute. I bet if Olivia held you she would want to keep you too." I talk to the sleeping infant. "But I have to give your mother a chance. She might not like the idea of me adopting you either." It's silly to even think about. I know for a fact Dana wants her child. I just can't help but get attached to the babies like Alicia. They are so damn cute and soft.

_Knock_

"Come in."

Father Ray pokes his head around the door before coming in.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Um, I just came to congratulate you and Olivia."

"Hm, your face tells a different story." I look back down at Alicia who yawns. Thing like that make me want to kidnap babies, only if they stayed this small and adorable.

"I just wanted to talk to you about Olivia."

"Well take a seat." I adjust Alicia in my arms, realizing how small she was. At three month Rafe and Emma were both bigger than her. I look up and he's already sitting with a guilty look on his face.

"If you are here to talk me out of-"

"No." He interrupts me. "Not really."

I glare at him. I would have thought him of all people would be happy. He is always saying how much Olivia has changed or the good.

"I just…do you remember what I told you the first time you told me about you and Olivia's affair?"

"You said I needed to take care of Nicholas first."

He nods his head looking for me to continue.

What else did he say? I try to think back that far. "And things with Olivia could deteriorate quickly."

He tries to say something but I cut him off. "But that was when she was using."

"I know."

"She's clean now."

"But she could relapse at any time." He counters. "She did."

"And we've talked about that." Not really, just her apologizing.

"I know you love her and she loves you but I just want you to think about all the things that could come up and be prepared. I am happy for you. Don't get me wrong. I just want you to make plans and be able to walk away if you need to." He stands up hold up his hand at my comeback. "Just think about it. You two have children to think about and if she ever did relapse I want you to be able to disconnect yourself for the sake of your safety and theirs. You've never seen Olivia in her paranoid, agitated state. I hope you never will but I feel like I should warn you so there will be no surprises."

"I will never leave Olivia. If she needs help I will help her like I did before. That's what marriage is about. It's about sticking with a person through the good and bad."

"I know you will and again I am happy for both of you. I just want you to understand that Olivia will always be an addict. But I think she loves you enough to stay clean, but just in case." He walks out before I can say anything.

It is a good think he knows when to leave. A few more minutes of that and I would have snapped waking up this beautiful little girl, who is stinky. I have not missed diaper time.

**January 2012 **

**OLIVIA**

"Olivia? Are you okay?" Natalia runs a hand down the side of my face. I must have drifted off into another daydream. To be fair we've seen this movie every Friday night for about 2 months now. Emma's sleeping in my lap; she was out before the intro ended. Rafe is the only one still interested, like always he's sitting in front of the couch on the floor reciting the words.

"I'm fine, how about you?" I bump her with my shoulder.

"Very good, we got a new arrival at the center. Blake found two new houses for two of the women. They are supposed to leave tomorrow. I think she said they were in Iowa."

"I'm really proud of you." She handles the pressure much better than I predicted, just another testimony to her strength.

"And I've narrow down the menu for the wedding. What do you think, should we have lobster tail or crab legs?" She lays her head on my shoulder.

I'm pretty sure Blake chose those items. The first suggestion Natalia had was chicken or beef, until Blake told her that was for people who weren't loaded.

"Whatever your heart desires, baby." It's the only answer I will give her and she knows it, so she stopped arguing with me a long time ago. I want this to be her day. Anything she has ever wished for, I am willing to provide.

We settle back to fake watching the movie until there is a knock at the door. Both of us look at the door like we have x ray vision, wondering who could be at the door.

I put Emma in her lap walking to the door. When I open it, I come face to face with a gold police badge.

"If this is about taxes, all those deduction were legit."

"Olivia Spencer, Chicago P.D, can you step outside." Two detectives stand on the porch.

I look back at Natalia, her eyes flood with tears. We both know what this is about.

"Natalia, call my lawyer." I step out the door, turning around with my hands behind my back. One of them quickly places the cuffs on my wrist, a little too tight for comfort.

I kick myself for not closing the door, when my eyes connect with Rafe's. He bolts towards us. He must have scared one of the detectives because he pulls his gun at the blur.

"NO, wait. He's just a child." I step in front of the gun pointed at Rafe, who doesn't seem to have notice the danger he was in, he wraps in arms around my waist from behind.

"Please don't take her. I did it. It was already opened and I only took one piece of gum out. I'll pay for it. I have money. I won't do it again. I promise." He cries into my back. The detective holsters his gun, giving his partner a bewildering look. Natalia intervenes pulling Rafe back into the house.

"It's okay superman, you didn't do anything wrong." I console him. It doesn't seem to have its desired effect. He still struggles in Natalia grip.

They lead me to the car. Being arrested wasn't new to me, it just hasn't happened in a while.

"I'm glad you didn't fight. Your partners in crime put up a good fight."

I get in the car thinking about who he could be talking about.

The ride to jail is quiet. Neither of us tried to start a conversation.

They walk me through the jail and to the back to the holding cell. I see Doris sitting in one of the cells. Her shirt is wrinkle and her hair is all over the place.

They take the handcuffs off after they have me inside.

I wait till they are out of the room, "What the hell Wolfe?" I pace the small cell like a rabid animal.

"Olivia calm down, they don't have anything on us. We'll be out by tomorrow at the latest." Doris sits on the bench straightening her jacket.

"Are you sure?" I can't calm down. I'm supposed to be getting married. I can't go to prison.

"Positive."

Just then the detective ushers in Carlton Wilkins and the three of the four guys who took Nicky, all looking as if they had just got out of a bar fight. The strong sting of pepper spray floats behind them.

"Well more or less." She corrects herself, hanging her head back.

They are lead to the cell across from ours. The detectives leave, giving Doris a dirty look.

"Well, if it ain't the future Mayor of this great city." The crime boss sits on the bench smiling.

"I'm sorry do I know you?" Doris doesn't even bother to look his way. He's a mafia boss and she talking to him like some intern.

"That depends." His son's look about ready to kill.

"On?" Her voice is full of challenge.

"What are our chances?"

I would like to know the same thing.

"If your sons keep their mouths shut, I'd says it's still slim." She picks more lent off her jacket. "But that doesn't matter we're all here for a reason."

"What makes you think I wouldn't have both of you killed?" His words make my knees weak.

"What makes you think I can't have you killed?" Doris asks back.

Once again he smiles at Doris's boldness. "You have the balls of an elephant talking to me that way."

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"No, it wouldn't. Let's make it the last." His smile fades.

"Maybe."

I feel like slapping her. Sometimes her nonchalant attitude can be irritating.

Nothing else is said by either of us and if Doris isn't talking I know something is wrong.

"Olivia!" Natalia runs through the door to the cell bars. I get as close as I can to her through the bars. "I'm so sorry. I'll tell the police I did it."

"Shh." I look around, making sure they weren't listening. "Natalia, Rafe and Emma need you. Plus Doris says our chances are pretty good." I leave out the part about being convicted. "It's not your fault, okay. Remember we didn't do anything. All you have to do is stay strong and this whole thing will blow over in no time." We kiss through the bars.

Five collective groans sound off.

"Get a room." One the sons laugh.

"Tell Rafe we are going to have a serious talk when I get home." She laughs. The tears still run free.

"Times up." The detective comes in.

"Did you call my lawyer?"

"Yes, she said she would get right on it."

"Good, everything is going to be okay. Don't worry." I kiss her one more time before the detective pulls her away.  
"Aww, isn't that cute. I didn't look at her at first but now I see. I would probably kill someone to get in her, too." The shortest of the henchmen comment.

"Shut up! Don't talk about her." If we weren't separated I might have hit him. Consequences be damned. "Okay here's the plan. I say we represent ourselves. Doris you're a lawyer, you can get us through the legal process. We keep our trails together; no one makes a deal or tells. I'll reserve some rooms at the Beacon. We can meet when we get out, get our stories straight."

The mafia boss nods his head in agreement, so goes his sons. I look at my long time friend for support.

Doris nods her head, yawning. "That's a good idea. For now, let's just see what they have on us. No one say anything in the interrogation room. Name and rank only."

Throughout the night they put each one of us out to interrogate. The plan is working. Everyone they bring back the more frustrated they look.

The next morning they shuffle us all into the court room handcuffed.

A young female prosecutor stands at the opposite podium. She looks determined and organized.

The judge looks at the six of us over his glasses. "Where is your counsel?"

"We are representing our selves your honor."

"Mrs. Rincon would you like to start." The judge addresses the young woman.

"Yes your honor the state asks that the defendants be place on remand. They are charged with 1st degree murder and conspiracy."

"Objection your honor!" I've always wanted to say that, just not when my freedom is on the line.

"Miss. Spencer, save it for trail."

"How do the defendants plea?"

"We all plead not guilty." We all decided that Doris should talk.

"Mrs. Rincon, why does the state request such a hold? The evident at best is circumstantial."

I smile at the news. Maybe we have a chance.

"Your honor all five of these defendants have money and ties outside of the states. They are a flight risk."

"Five?"

"The state has decided to drop the charges against Mr. Calton Wilkins."

"You could have said that earlier." The judge flicks his finger at the mob boss. The bailiff comes over uncuffing him. His sons look appalled.

"Dad?"  
"You're all one your own." He throws a smile at Doris who only rolls her eyes.

"Your honor, I am the new Mayor of this great city. Mrs. Spencer is the owner of the Beacon. She is not going to leave her business or her family. The Wilkins family does have substantial connections outside of the states, but I can guarantee they will show up for trail. As a matter of fact we have reserve room at the Beacon for the Wilkins, when and if the trail starts."

"I'll agree. Bail will be set at one million for each defendant. A police officer will be posted at the Beacon. Each one of you will be required to stay at the hotel. Visits will be limited to an hour a day three times a week and only in the present of the officer. If anyone of you even looks at a bus station, airplane or train, I'll have all you sitting in that cell for the rest of this trail. Defendants will arrive at the hotel in no less than two hours or a warrant will be put out for your arrest."

"Your honor we petition to have the trail in Springfield."

"Any objections?" The judge looks at the woman, she shakes her head no. "Granted, trail date will be set in two weeks, and jury selection will begin." He bangs the gavel before we are lead back to our cells.

An hour later we are all leaving the jail, somewhat free. I see Natalia waiting by the car, with Emma in her arms.

"So, see you in two." Doris tells me.

"Don't take off and don't be late."

She starts back peddling towards a woman in tight clothes and no jacket. "I don't know. I hear Hawaii is great this time of year."

"Don't make me come get you." I throw over my shoulder, walking to the car. When I get to the two, Emma reaches for me. I take her into my arms kissing Natalia on the cheek.

I sit in the back with Emma on the way home. I can see Natalia watching us through the rear view mirror.

"Where's Rafe?"

"With Remy. He was still upset this morning."

The rest of the ride is silent. When we get to the farm house I can feel her looking at my back while I lay Emma down to finish her nap.

"What did they say?"

I pull her into our bedroom, turning the baby monitor on. "We have to stay at the hotel, till the trail is over."

"That could take months, years!" She paces the room.

"It's the only way." I grab a suitcase out of the closet, throwing it on the floor at the foot of the bed.

"No there has to be another way. I want you here!"

I step in her path, taking hold of her around the waist stopping her pacing. "Look at me. Does it look like I want to spend any amount of my time without you? It has to be done. Let me worry about this. You just keep Nicholas House running and the wedding plans on track."

"I don't want to plan it without you."

"We get a visitor for one hour a day, three days a week. When you come just bring me the plans and I'll sign off on them. I don't think I was helping that much anyway."

She laughs into my shoulder. "No kidding."

"Right now I need a shower that jail cell was nasty." Last night was the first time in a long time I slept in a jail cell, not that I really slept.

"I'll pack your clothes while you're in there."

"Thank you." I kiss her on the forehead before moving to the bathroom. I take one last peek at her before closing the door. She's already started picking clothes out, moving around the room with precision. I don't know where I would be without her and I don't want to know. I just have to remind myself this is just a bump in the road. And if I spend the rest of my life in prison, it will have been well worth it.

**Natalia**

This feeling of an overwhelming lost starts to suck the air out of the room. She's in the bathroom, I can't help but feeling like this. She could spend the rest of her life in prison and this might be the last time she can ever step foot in our house, bedroom, or bed.

I pack the suit case and take it to the car. When I get back to the bedroom, Olivia is sitting on the bed drying off.

I lean against the door way, taking in the sight. She's beautiful.

It seems like there is always something pulling us apart.

She looks up at me, her eyes are dark and red, I'm sure mine are too. I'm two seconds from crying again and from the looks of it, she has already cried.

"Come here" Olivia holds her hand out to me.

I walk over to the bed dismissing her outstretched hand. Instead I straddle her lap looking down into her eyes. While mine probably reflect a hurricane of emotions, hers are strong and confident.

"It's going to be okay."

"How can you be sure Olivia? You could spend the rest of your life in prison because of me."

"And it would be well worth it, so don't you go confessing or doing anything that could get you incarcerated. Rafe and Emma need you."

"I need you." I run my hands through her damp hair. She moans in approval, tilting her head back. This could be and probably is the last time for awhile that we'll have together in our own bedroom. The last time I can touch her without someone else present. I can't bear that thought any longer I need something to take my mind off of it.

I lean down resting my forehead against hers, staring intently in her eyes. "I need you."

"You got me." She takes my hands twisting the ring on my finger.

"I need you now." I capture her lips trying to convey my level of need. I push my tongue inside her mouth sweeping from side to side, dueling against her tongue for space.

My hand trails down her shoulder and run over the top of the towel. Before I can un-tuck it her hands grasp mine holding them still, she breaks our kiss searching for fresh air.

"Baby don't do this…" she holds my hands tighter as I try to wretch them loose, "Natalia stop!" The fight leaves my body like a swift wind, leaving me exhausted and hurting from the sudden cold chill.

Olivia reaches up wiping my face; I hadn't even realized I was crying. "Look at me." She's determined as usual, her eyes full of persistence and defiance. "Everything is going to be fine. I don't want you worrying yourself to death before we make it to the altar."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

I pull my hands loose opening her towel. I marvel at her body as the towel pools at her hips.

"Natalia…"

"Shh, no talking." I capture her lips again, pushing her back onto the bed. I slide onto her side not wasting any time except to make sure she's okay. I enter her with two then three fingers twisting and pumping them.

Her body rises from the bed with every push of my hand.

"Hmm right there baby…right there." Her legs close around my hand so that I'm no longer in control of the pace. I kiss her shoulder retracing the mark with my tongue. Her hips roll against my trapped hand. With the curl of my fingers her body stiffens as she floods the palm of my hand. Her body draws tight like a bow string. I watch her eye roll up into her head, her mouth open catching the oxygen that has long abandoned her lungs.

"I love you." She chants softly in her delirium.

"I love you, too." The words, the kiss, they don't make me feel any easier about the up coming trail or the separation.

**April 2012**

**OLIVIA**

As soon as I step of the elevator I see the three brothers. I gave them their own room but for some reason they insist on hang out up here. Three weeks, three weeks and I'm already ready to kill someone, especially Doris. For some reason she has developed a close buddy buddy relationship with the youngest of the gangster, Johnny. His brothers call him Johnny Boy which he hates. I guess I can understand why she likes to talk to him. He's young about 27 and full of energy, just bursting to tell someone about his adventure in a crime family. The most annoying thing about him is he says up high for everything. I am a grown woman; I don't give high fives to anyone but my children.

Jessie the oldest brother told me he was adopted for cover purpose when he was 12. A young Asian kid wouldn't be suspected by the cops as a gangster, especially one who wore coke bottle glasses and is fond of country music.

They were all adopted by Wilkins for a reason and not because he wanted to give them a home.

And its not that I'm jealous because she has been ignoring me even though we're coped in the penthouse it's because she's supposed to be focusing on the case. Every time I come back from a visit with Natalia she singing karaoke or drinking with him on the balcony.

Jessie seems to be the most well adjusted brother in the whole bunch. He stands about 6 foot even with graying black hair and even darker eyes. He's not the kind of person you would want to meet in an alley but there is something about him that makes me feel for him. Some thing in his eyes that says there is a story behind the man, more that just killing and crime. Maybe it was a painful childhood or a just the pain of knowing the person he called Dad would kill him if it meant being free.

John is the middle man. That's what the call him even though he doesn't talk that much. In two week I've heard him say a handful of word and never complete sentences. I thought he was deaf at first. Now I don't care. I just wish they would all be quiet; I want this to be over before March.

Natalia picked the date last year and I want to stick to her plan or a summer wedding and not one through behind bars.

I walk into my former home to find a party going on. Jessie and John are sitting on the couch watching a movie and Doris and Johnny are at the bar downing shots.

"Doris what the hell?" I take the shot out of her hand. "The trail starts tomorrow and you're drinking."

"Come on Oliv-via." I hate the way Johnny says my name, chopped. "Relax, we are just celebrating that this has begun so it can end." He downs his shot. "Up high for murder trials." He holds his hand up.

"Don't leave him hanging." Doris says before high fiveing him.

"Doris I need to talk to you." I pull her to a corner. "I talked to Natalia and we still don't feel comfortable letting Rafe testify."

"Olivia how many times am I going to have to explain this? Everyone knows we did it. They know it; we know; the whole world knows it. The only thing that can help us win is if the hate Nicholas more that the hate what we did. And the only way to do that is to pull at their heart strings. We need our star witnesses and that would be your wife and her son to do that. If they see them as sympathetic then the jury will thank us for killing Nicholas."

"But he doesn't remember anything. You heard what the psychiatrist said. It's all jumbled up and he couldn't say what was what or what happened when. What if he gets on the stand and remembers or if the prosecutor tears him apart. First it would be bad for us, second I don't think I would ever forgive myself if some happens while he's on the stand. I don't want him traumatize more that he already is."

"Olivia." She places her hands on my shoulders traveling up to my ears. "There are three things every lawyer knows. Three things that will lose your case for sure; terrorizing a believable rape victim, belittling a mentally handicap person and making children cry, especially adorable ones. There is nothing to worry about. We'll toss him a couple of soft pitches and it'll be over before anyone knows it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, now go take a shower you smell like sex and come drink with us…I mean have a soda with us."

**Trail Part 1**

**Father Ray**

They sat at the defense table, everyone was jittery. The first day of trial had everyone on edge, eager to see how the prosecution would start the trail.

The two lawyers sat at their table both looking confident in their opening statement.

Doris sat in the aisle seat of the table. She looked over at the overconfident Prosecutor Rincon. _ Nothing would make me happier than to take this bitch down._

Olivia sat beside her old friend constantly looking over her shoulder at Natalia. It worried her that Natalia would have to sit through the trail and testify. It was the only thing running through her mind. She didn't even hear Judge Allen bang the gavel to start the trail.

Doris elbowed her in the side gaining her attention. "Pay attention." Doris chided Olivia. She knew the jury was watching them for any sign of guilt or obnoxiousness.

"The prosecution would like to call Father Ray to the stand." Prosecutor Allen stood up, taking one last look at her papers.

Olivia sighed audibly and dropped her head. _The last thing I need is a holy man testifying to how fucked up I am._

Father Ray took the stand as calmly a possible. It hadn't been the first time he was called to the stand and it wouldn't be the last.

He places his hand on the bible swearing to tell the truth. He sat down watching Olivia plead with her eye for him not to say anything. He simply winked at her, giving her the assurance she was looking for. He had known from the start what he could and couldn't reveal. He had also been up all night pray for guidance. _If I have to lie then so be it, the big man will understand this one time._

The Prosecutor approached the witness stand tapping a pen in the middle of her palm. She stopped in front of the jury box. "Father Ray, you've know the defendants Olivia Spencer and Mayor Wolfe for some time now."

"Yes I have." Father Ray answered the statement.

"Is it safe to say you know of their lifestyles, especially Miss. Spencer's?"

"You could say that." Father Ray looked into the eyes of each of the twelve jurors. A couple turned their head from his glare.

"Can you tell the courts what you know about Miss Spencer?" Mrs. Rincon smiled at the jurors. She wanted to see their faces when they heard it from a holy man about all the transgressions.

"No ma'am."

The Prosecutor's head snapped up at the witness. "Excuse me?"

"Olivia and I are ways from friends as you seem to think. As Miss. Spencer's spiritual guidance I can not disclose our conversation or anything that could be related to her confessions." Father Ray fold smiled at Miss. Rincon's befuddled look. _Even a first year law student should know that._

Prosecutor Rincon straightened her back. She knew they would claim confidentiality, it didn't worry her much. "Father Ray in an interview with Miss. Spencer, she stated she had no religious affiliation. In fact she said she didn't believe in God." Miss. Rincon walked back to her table picking up the thick stack of papers.

"She says that but she does, she's just not fond of him. As for your question of her lifestyle, everyone knows Olivia gay with plenty of demons plaguing her. I, myself have never seen her commit any criminal acts except for drunkenness and drugs. Lastly I will say she has come a long way from those days. Anyone can tell you she is an upstanding part of the community and a decent human being despite her downfalls. " He leaned back in his seat once again looking at the jury daring them to think they were any better.

Prosecutor Rincon took in a deep breath trying not to let the frustration over take her composure. "Do you know Mrs. Autoro?"

"Yes I know Ms. Rivera."

"And did you know about their relationship behind the victims back?" Mrs. Rincon walked to the front of the judge's bench.

"Yes."

"How did you obtain this information?"

"Many sources."

"Was Mrs. Rivera one of those sources?"

"Yes."

"What did she say?"

"Again I can't disclose confessions. Mrs. Rivera wouldn't want these types of things out in the air. Not many people would."

"Not many people's girlfriends don't kill their husbands."

"Objection your honor." Doris jumped up from her seat.

"Sustained, Mrs. Rincon how about you stick to questions." Judge Allen leaned over the front of the bench.

"Apologies your honor." The Prosecutor almost curtsied regaining her composure. "Father Ray did you know the victim, Mr. Autoro?"

"I met him once or twice."

"Are you aware that Mrs. Rivera claims to be the victim of domestic abuse?"

The women of the jury shift in their seat waiting for the line of questioning to evolve. The four men of jury looked at Natalia then Olivia and the three men.

"Yes, I am aware."

"So you've witnessed the two together, say at church or just out on the town?"

"Yes"

"And did you ever see the victim strike his wife."

"No but…"

"Is it true you called Ms. Spencer the day of the murder?" Mrs. Rincon cut the answer off.

"Yes."

"To tell her where Ms. Rivera was hiding?"

"Yes. I saw the news bulletin about Nicholas escaping."

"Did she tell you what she was going to do?"

"No. I told her where Ms. Rivera was and that was the end of that conversation."

"When was the next time you talked to either of them?"

"The next day I called Olivia."

"What did she say?"

"Just that Natalia was safe and that they would be returning to Springfield as soon as possible."

"No further questions." The state attorney returned to her seat confident she got off to a good start.

Doris looked at the jury seeing they were split. Most were still in disbelief or agreeance with the method of stopping Nicky from terrorizing him family anymore. Doris stood from her chair straightening her jacket before approaching the jury stand. "Father Ray."

"Mayor Wolfe."

Doris smiled trying to show the jury she wasn't as cold hearted as they had heard. "The prosecution has established you know me, Olivia, Natalia and have met Nicholas Autoro. If you don't mind tell me what you think of Olivia Spencer."

"Objection your honor."

"On what grounds?" Judge asked unimpressed by the whole proceedings.

"The defense is obviously trying to…"

"Sit down Mrs. Rincon you had your turn." Judge sat back waving for Father Ray to answer the question.

"Like I said before, Olivia is a special person. Through all the downfalls and all the nay sayers she has stood on her own two feet continuously striving to better herself. I see her now and am amazed at the change. I think we all have Natalia to thank."

Doris's face twitched, only Father Ray noticed it. He was hoping it wasn't a sign of guilt showing through.

"Speaking of Mrs. Rivera, You said you never saw Mr. Autoro abuse Ms. Rivera?"

"No I said I never saw him strike her. The counselor didn't let me finish."

"To your knowledge have you ever seen any symptoms of abuse?"

"Objection, the witness is not certified…"

"Actually, I do have a degree in counseling and I am currently involved in helping women escape abusive relationships." Father Ray interrupted Mrs. Rincon's objection.

"I'll allow it. Answer the question."

"When they came to church one Sunday morning, I overheard him berating her after service. He practically dragged her out of the church."

Olivia turned around watch Natalia. Her future wife sat stiffly on the bench, staring at nothing in particular. Olivia saw she was caught in a memory but there was nothing she could do about it right now. That was the thing that hurt and frustrated her the most.

"Are there any other insistences?" Doris softly clapped her hands trying to get Olivia to focus. The jurors were watching her watching Natalia. If they were going to win the case she needed the jury to watch Natalia and feel some kind of sympathy for the woman. They didn't need to watch Olivia get frustrated.

"There was one time when I witness him raise his hand at her, but he didn't strike her. From my experiences Natalia displayed the normal signs of abuse. She hardly interacted with others. She had bruises that she explained as falls. I suspected it but I didn't push her to tell me about it. Looking back I should have said something, maybe it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did."

"And why not, why didn't you press her."

"I don't know." Father Ray hung his head staring at his folded hand praying for forgiveness.

**Natalia **

The wedding is just around the corner and I still haven't gotten everything ready.

"So the flowers are ordered." Blake hands me my phone before sitting down across the table. "They promised they would make the petals sliver."

"I know you think silver is crazy for a wedding but I always liked it."

"I just don't know how you expected silver flowers."

"I told you they have to be real, you were the one who decided to find them." I hand her a stack of R.S. . "These are all the people who said they were coming o the reception. Mostly business partners of Olivia."

"How do you invited people to the reception and not the wedding, I will never understand." She starts sorting.

"I want it to be intimate and plus that's all people want to go to anyway. Just to get a piece of cake."

"Speaking of the cake," Lindsey sits down. "The caterer called she wants you to okay the fourth cake drawing." Lindsey huffs.

"What! All I want are roses; she is the one who keeps putting in all these extra things."

"Because roses are boring." Lindsey retorts.

She and that cake lady have been working against me, I know it.

"NATALIA!"

I almost get whiplash turning to Blake. "What?"

"Tell me this is not the Daniel Pino." Blake holds up the invitation. "Danny your first love."

"Yes and for your information Mom invited him and Olivia said it was okay. Now," I reach for the envelope but Blake pulls it out of reach. "What does it say?"

Wearily she opens the invitation. "He can't make it. Oh, but he sent you a check."

"Send it back."

"Wait let's not make any hasty decision." Lindsey takes the check."It would be rude."

"You two are the worst bridesmaids ever."

"Hey! Blake is doing her best to decorate the reception to your liking. And I am doing be damnedest throw the best wedding ever. If you weren't being so cheap…"

"Cheap! Lindsey you'll already spent seven thousand dollars, on what? And Blake the budget was 4 thousand. You're already at 6 and we haven't even bought the food."

"About that…I'm going to need more." Blake raises her eyebrows.

"No. We will work with what we have." And here comes another headache. "What about Olivia's brother. She says she doesn't know where he is."

"What about Rodney?" Blake's eyes widen.

"I might have sent his off late." I hunch my shoulders.

"Natalia!"

"What? It's going to his parents anyway. She says she doesn't know where he is either." I shrug my shoulders. I want proof he has been clean for the last two year before he comes anywhere near Olivia.

"What about you're father?"

"What about him? You heard his testimony. I figured Rafe could give me away." I think I've made piece with the fact that he is not longer a part of my life. If he can't accept us as a family then he does need to be apart of it.

**Olivia**

I sit down on the living room floor finally able to get some alone time to look over the plans for the wedding, which by looking at the price of everything, Lindsey and Blake have taken over.

First she won't take my name and now her ex-boyfriend that her mother can't stop blushing about is coming and what was I supposed to say about that? Oh honey I know you have a lot of issues about how close me and Doris are but I would really feel uncomfortable with you first love watching you get married.

I flip through more pages. Oh good he's not coming, good thing I avoided my knee jerk reaction and invite my first, not that I know where he is.

Doris went downstairs to 'get more towels' and the brothers are watching TV. in their room and some how I still can't concentrate.

The last few witnesses that have been called have been solely to make me look like a monster. I know Natalia says that was the old me and she's okay with it but I'm not.

I don't remember acting like a monster. When I was high I thought I was the happiest person alive. I was always floating and humming.

I wish I could say those former employees where making things up but Doris said they weren't.

I don't know how they could ever forgive me. One of them said I threaten to kill her family because she folded the towels wrong.

She was s good employee according to my records. I don't remember being such a bitch. But maybe that was when I was coming down or detoxing.

I get that I had mood swings but I never remembered being so over the top. They made me feel like shit the whole time they were on stand. I could feel the jury staring at me; it took all I had not to sweat under their watch. Times like these I need Natalia beside me or happy powder.

"Hey, Spencer." Jessie walks out of the 'boys' room'. "What you up to?" He rubs his bald head sitting at the edge of the couch looking down at the planners I have spread out. He's the only one who could pa of Wilkins son, not only because he's white but the have the same blue eyes and shaved head. He's a spitting image of the man.

"Just wedding plans." I sigh because I really don't want to be doing this. Its times like this when I'm bored out of my mind I wish I was still part of the scene. There was never a dull moment.

"I know that look."

I close the various books climbing onto the other end of the couch.

It's something about Jessie and I can't put my finger on it. I've wanted to ask him some questions concerning his life not involving the mob. I really don't know how I would go about that. I don't want him to feel like I'm probing or interviewing him. I sure don't want him to think I'm nosy but I know it is something about him.

I watch him when he's cooking in the kitchen or watching TV. He clenches him jaw a lot and he scratches his arms. And I know its winter but I have yet to see him in a short sleeve shirt.

"What look?" I ask.

"That's look that says 'if I weren't trapped I would be out right now getting high as a bird.' That look."He smirks at me, a knowing smirk and I know.

I don't know how I didn't pick up on it earlier. I usually can spot another addict from miles away. "So what's you choice?"

"Heroin and pcp." He pulls up his sleeve revealing the track marks up and down his arms. "Some times speedballs. You ever do it?"

"Once or twice, bad reaction both times. Body couldn't handle both so I chose coke."

"Good choice, heroin is a monkey that is hard to shake." We both laugh before growing serious again.

"How long you been clean?"

"8 months next week."

"Congratulations."

"Please. If I wouldn't have got caught up in this I'd probably be out."

"So what made you quit?"

"Pops threaten to have me killed. But the first time was my decision."

"Health?"

"No. I came to, knelt in front of some guy."

"Oh." I can't keep the surprised look of my face.

"Yea." He laughs through the painful memory. "Coming to with some guys junk in your mouth will make you rethink your life choices."

"I guess it would." I am so glad I never got hooked on that stuff. I've seen it take people through hell.

"What about you?"

"I overdosed. Spent a couple of days hooked up to machines. When I came to, Wolfe gave me an ultimatum. I could either go to jail or go to rehab."

"So your girl?"

"Well she's the reason, I'm still clean. I don't want to lose what we have for something that was killing me." I mean every word. Natalia and our kids mean more to me than anything; money, drugs, anyone life. I would throw it all away if it meant they were happy.

"That kind of love you should hang on to, no matter what." His eyes turn dark before he turns away from me. "I'll let you get back." Before I can say anything he jumps off the couch practically run back into his room.

**Trail Part 9**

**Mrs. Rivera**

"Mrs. Rivera how was your daughter's upbringing?" Prosecutor Rincon step up to the witness stand folding her arms on the stand in front of her.

"It was normal." Maria Rivera leaned back uncomfortable wit the closeness. "She was our only child so we gave her what ever we could."

"Was she ever abused?"

"No."

"But you claim you were?"

"Before Natalia was born Ricardo and I fought a lot. Mostly about his drinking. We were young when we got married."

"So he never hit Natalia or hit you in front of her."

"At Natalia's second birthday party he showed up drunk. I confronted him and he slapped me. I told him I wouldn't have my daughter grow up watching him hit me. I left him that day. We lived with my sister for about a month."

"Even after you went back."

"He got sober. He was really a nice person when he wasn't dinking. He loved Natalia and she loved him. Things were much better after he was sober. That's not to say we didn't fight but not in front of Natalia. I think I made the right decision for everyone."

"And that's why you urged Natalia to go back to Nicholas. Isn't it true you suspected Nicholas had a violent tempter before they married?"

"I did but I also warned her not to get pregnant. I saw how controlling Nicholas could be."

"But she did, didn't she?"

"Yes but not on purpose. Natalia could be hard headed at time, very head strong. She started to changed after she got pregnant."

"And you noticed the abuse, but you never saw Nicholas strike your daughter."

"I noticed the bruises and the guilty look he had when I asked about them?"

"So he looked sorry?"

"I don't know about sorry, just guilty."

"Still you didn't tell your daughter about the abuse you suffered."

"No there was no need to tarnish her view of her father at the time. She loved him."

"You say Natalia was hard headed; was she argumentative, combative?"

"No. If she wanted something she strived to get it. She was ambitious."

"So if she wanted to kill…"

The Mayor stood up interrupting the line of questioning. "Objection your honor, Ms. Rivera is not on trial."

"Sustained."

"If you didn't want your daughter to marry Nicholas who did you want her to marry?"

"She had a boyfriend who moved away. Danny Pina. I thought he was the best, intelligent, athletic, and respectful."

"What about Olivia do you have any objections?"

"Besides my religious views, I think Olivia has been good for my daughters. She's happy. She's confident in herself. I can see the old Natalia coming out again, before she was just a shell of herself."

"Your husband doesn't feel the same way, does he?"

"No Ricardo hasn't gotten to know Olivia like I have." Maria's eyes connected with her husband of almost 40 years. "His anger is misguided. Olivia did something he couldn't. ..protect out daughter."

**TRAIL 15**

**BLAKE**

Blake sat nonchalant on the witness stand twirling her hair around her finger.

Doris shifted in her seat a little uncomfortable. She knew Blake was mad at her for 'getting some many towels' from the maids at the hotel, but she was human. Being cramped in an hotel with four other people wasn't exactly her kind of fun and having sex four times a week wasn't fun either, so she slipped off…to get more towels.

She knew someone had told Blake who was still upset about not being called after they got arrested. But she was Mayor Doris Wolfe. She had not only a reputation to keep up with but a libido that she fought to control. It was her parents fault for trying to shelter her and her sister.

Still she was nervous. A mad Blake always equaled to a talkative Blake, which meant it was a no hold bard.

"Mrs. Mahler," Prosecutor Rincon stepped to the stand. "You've know Ms. Spencer and Mayor Wolfe the longest can you tell us how you meant."

Blake sucked her teeth. "Oh god let me think back…I met Doris my first summer out of college. I was working at my Uncle's bar. It was an underground bar for gays and lesbians, real popular because of the college student crowd." Blake finally let her hair go. "I had a brief relationship with Doris."

"How brief?"

Blake sucked on her teeth again in annoyance. "One night, when I tried to talk to her the next day she blew me off." Blake raised her eyebrows at her ex/current lover. "Later that week she came into the bar like nothing had happen, then she told me she had fun but she didn't do relationships."

Blake rolled her eyes still not believing how stupid she had been falling for Doris's one line she had been using since the late 80s. "We kind of fell into the same group of friends, that hung out at the bar. There was Keith, Rodney, Lily, Beth and Tracy. They called themselves the Wolf pack because they follow Doris everywhere she went. Ever since then we've been on and off."

"Even thought you were married?"

"Yes." Blake nodded her head.

"What about Ms. Spencer."

"Well I met Olivia about two years later, she was looking for a job. My uncle gave her one and that is where she met Doris."

"Did you ever have a sexual relationship with Ms. Spencer?"

"Oh, no. I went in a totally different direction." Blake looked at Doris before rolling her eyes.

"And from your perspective how did Mayor Wolfe and Ms. Spencer's relationship evolve?"

"From that day on they were inseparable. Doris, Rodney and Olivia were always together. People around campus called them the Three Musketeers or the Three Stooges." Blake laughed to her self remembering being the one to start the nickname. "If you saw one the other two were right around the corner."

"From your knowledge what happened to break up such a happy family?"

"Objection." Doris stood up.

"Overruled." Judge Allen dismissed her with a glance before turning back to Blake.

"After Olivia was assaulted she started to use drug pretty often. She quit working at the bar, became very withdrawn. But they came back to school and they seemed fine, but I know Doris as worried about Rodney and Olivia's habit."

"What about Mr. York? What put a strain on his relationship with the two defendants."

"About 2007 or the beginning of 2008 Olivia overdosed. I guess it was the last straw for Doris. She cut ties altogether with Rodney. From then on they acted like they couldn't be in the same room." Blake started to say come thing else but she noticed the look Doris as giving her. It was the look that said 'that's enough." Normally when she was upset with the woman she ignored it saying whatever she liked, but this was no normal day. They were facing prison, so she snapped her lip shut.

"If we could I'd like to go back to the question I asked you before, which is were you having an affair with Mayor Wolfe while you were still married?" The prosecutor raised her voice slightly.

"Yes I was. I guess that school girl crush I had never really wore off." Blake smiled sheepishly.

"Your husband Frank Cooper was the partner of Mr. Autoro the summer of 2009."

"Yes they were partners."

"So you met Mr. Autoro?"

"Yes quite a few times." Blake said as a matter of fact.

"Did you ever suspect Nicholas Autoro was abusive to his wife?"

"I suspected he had a tempter. Frank used to tell me all the time how he had to pull him off of a susp-"

"Answer the question Mrs. Mahler." The Prosecutor cut Blake off.

Blake clenched her fist trying to keep her anger in check. "Yes there was one time, I think in September or October, Frank and I went over to their house and I noticed Natalia limping. I had suspected that she was involved with Olivia. I would see her leave every night and come home in the mornings. So that night I asked her if everything was okay because I saw a bruise around her neck, like finger marks. When I asked did she need help she said no. When I asked her about Olivia she pretty much told me she knew about Doris and me."

"But Mr. Cooper already knew about you two."

"Yeah, but," Blake rocked her hand back and forth trying to think of a better way to say her ex-husband was slow on the up take. "You had to show Frank with his own two eyes for him to believe it. Although he did know in his mind I think he rather not believe it."

"I want you to recount the morning of Nicholas Autoro's murder what you did from the time you heard her escaped to the time you heard he was killed."

"I got up that morning-"

"Alone?" The prosecutor looked at the jury to gauge their reaction.

"No, I was in bed with Doris." Blake squeezed the words out through her clenched teeth. "I got up to make us breakfast when I saw the news. I told Doris. She let after getting dress to check on Olivia. The rest of the day I sat around watching for more news. When I heard Nicholas had been killed I call Doris but she didn't answer. I guess I went to bed around 12 that night."

"Did you talk to the Mayor any time the next day?"

"Yes, she called around 6 that morning saying every thing was okay."

"Did she act strange on the phone or when she arrived back in town?"

"No. It was business as usual with her." Blake shrugged her shoulders.

"You still love Ms. Wolfe, don't you." It was more of a statement then question.

"Like I said I guess the school girl crush never wore off."

"So much that you would lie for her?"

"NO."

"Would you say Mayor Wolfe had ample time and the connections to kill Mr. Autoro?"

"I guess, I don't know." Blake lied. She knew exactly what Doris could and would do. Since her college year Doris always kept muscle around. Of all the fight she had been involved in she never once lifted a finger to win, maybe a pen or money but never her own hands.

"Back to your husband, did he ever contact you after he left town?"

"Once he left a voice message saying that he was okay and that he loved me even if I was with Doris."

"And he never let you in on any of his partner's plans or told you about Nicholas wanting to kill his family?"

"No."

"Did he even know of any plans?"

"I don't think so. Frank was a good man and although we had our problems he was good to me," Blake looked in Doris's direction. "He was kind, loving, and loyal."

"No further questions."

As soon as the attorney sat down Doris rose from her seat. She hadn't planned on asking Blake any question unless she had to but the accusatory tone in Blake's voice had been enough to form stress knots in her neck. Not only did Blake have the nerve to insinuate she was a whore but then she had the nerve to defend the man who slapped her.

"Ms. Mahler, you say Frank Cooper was a good man?"

"Yes he was." Blake sat up straighter squinting her eyes at the Mayor.

"Did her not slap the night of the Mr. Autoro and Ms, Spencer's shooting?"

"Objection! Relevance."

"I'll allow it. Mayor Wolfe you have a short rope." The Judge addressed Doris.

"Yes he did, but-"

"And isn't true you suspected him of cheat on you before you were married?"

"Yes but-"

"Isn't it also true that Frank Cooper had a criminal pass, for theft?"

"Yes but that was when he was younger."

"So this man you trusted so much not only had a criminal history but he assaulted you."

"I wouldn't sit so high up on that pedestal. You don't have the cleanest past either."

The occupants of the court room eyed one another wondering where the line of question was going and how long the judge would let them take shots at each other.

"I know about my past but it doesn't involve throwing a fit and marring the first dope to ask. Tell the court why you married Frank Cooper."

"Hissy fit? Who do you think you are? I gave you a piece of me and you acted like it was nothing. I married Frank because he was nothing like you."

Judge Allen sat in shock as the women talked over one another.

"Is that what you're doing, Ms. Mahler trying to make me look bad because you couldn't have what you wanted?"

Prosecutor Rincon was also confusion. She had never seen a professional get into personal matte with a witness on the stand. She slowly rose from her set as the argument when on, "Um, objection?"

"Oh you make yourself look bad enough, without my help!"

"Order!" Judge Allen banged his gavel before Doris could rattle off another question. "You're rope just ran out counselor."

"No further questions."

**The Penthouse**

**Olivia**

"Hey Oliv-via." Johnny walks out from the balcony holding his empty glass. "We were talking about you and D told me you slept with twin sisters. Up high for pulling twins."

"No." I walk past him taking his seat beside Doris. "You know I really wish you wouldn't encourage him."

"Oh come on Olivia. He's harmless for the most part." She flips through her notes.

"It is annoying to say the least. I hate high fives and I hate people who ask for them constantly. I don't know why you even entertain him."

"Because"

"Because what?"

Doris sits her note pad on her the table. "He reminds me of us."

"What when we were 20."

"Yea. You know you were care free at one point. Let him have his fun."

"He's 27, three years from being thirty. I think the time for care free is over."

"Couldn't have told you that at 27."

She has a point, but I was going through something namely a drug probably. "But at least I listened to you most of the time. I knew when to stop and get serious."

"You didn't listen to me."

"I did."

"You never have." She scoffs.

"I do too!"

"You're not listening to me now."

I take a deep irritated breathe and throw my head back looking at the cloudy sky. "Natalia. Why does it always come back to this?" I swear I can't ask either of them without the other coming up. Natalia will not let it alone and neither can Doris. "For the last time, I am ready to spend the rest of my life with Natalia. I love her with all my heart and I trust her."  
"No you don't."

I lean forward with my elbows on my knees. Not that it matters but I am interested in why she thinks I'm not ready. I've never really thought of Doris as the jealous type but the green eyed monster is showing up in both their eyes. "Why?"

"I am not jealous if that's what you think."

"Then tell me Doris why are you so against me getting married and settling down. Isn't this what you wanted me to do. It's what you told me to do; find someone and settle down."

"You don't think things through Olivia. You never have, you…have you told her about what happened when she left? Did you tell her you relapsed? Did you tell her how we drove all over this state and three others looking for her?" Her voice raises and I know she's still mad at me for what I did. "Did you tell her that while she was living on the country side I was sitting by your hospital bed praying to a God I don't even believe in, just for you to wake up? Did you tell her any of those things?"

"What's your point?"

"No I didn't think so Olivia; you didn't tell her any of those things. Did you a least tell her about Lily."

"I told her about that!" I snap back at her. How dare she tell me what to tell my wife? I have the right to privacy. Natalia doesn't need to know everything.

"You didn't tell all of it because you're scared, like you always have been. You're scared she won't understand or she'll look at you differently. Damn it! Olivia if you can't trust her with the past how can she hold your future?" In a huff she walks back inside.

Damn she's right.

**Johnny**

Damn that was deep. I am definitely going to have to use that one some one. Oh I bet if I say that to that maid she'd be all over me. Focus Johnny. A friend is in need and this is my chance to shine. How to fix this problem? What is the most obvious reason D doesn't want Olivia to get married? And why does Olivia care so much? It's chin rubbing time. I rub my chin for a second really thinking.

I wish I had some facial hair; chin rubbing would be some much better.

Focus.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Personally I would think she would be happy. Now someone else can look after Olivia, be her sponsor and everything. Unless…son of a bitch why the fuck didn't I think of this before D is in love with Olivia. Of course. Shit this will be easier than I thought. All I have to do is get her to realize it and get Olivia to drop Natalia and BAM, everything will be perfect and it will be because of me and no death. Unless I have to kill Natalia; I'm sure she's a reasonable person who will step aside. I would hate to leave her kid motherless but Olivia is kinda of a mother to them so all Doris will have to do is adopt them too. Damn but she doesn't want kids. Shit I always wanted a little brother so I'll take the boy and the girl can go with some other family. Fuck yeah Johnny. You are finally growing and taking charge. I'll be head of the family in no time or maybe I'll start my own match making service.

Before I can even make it into the elevator Jessie calls my name.

"What J?"

"Johnny boy what ever you are about to do don't."

"What are you talking about?" He thinks he's my father or something. IF he can talk with Olivia I can talk with Doris.

"I'm serious."

"I'm going to get more towels! Damn!" I step into the elevator looking Jessie in the eyes. He used to scare me but over the years I've learned he's just a big softy.

The elevator doors open and there stands my second target. I wanted to talk to Doris first but she will do.

"Oh Johnny, I'm glad I saw you. Olivia left this." She dangles a piece of paper in my face like I'm supposed to care. "It's the wedding plans." Not if I can help it.

"Natalia I need to talk to you."

"Oh okay, is something wrong."

"You could say, lets grab a snack."

"Hey, D." Fuck I can not keep this smile off my face. The conversation with Natalia went better than I ever could have thought. I thought there would be tears and hysterical shouting; then just maybe I would comfort her and have sex with her, but nothing. She just listened and smiled and walked away. And she didn't even try to go upstairs to confront D or Olivia. What's up with that?

I grab the chair beside D, pushing it back onto its hind legs.

"What are you so happy about?"  
"Nothing much, just solved your life problem." I rock forward waiting for her thankful reaction. I love to see the reaction on people's faces. "Up high for solving problems?"

"Not so fast. Unless you got this case thrown out, explain." She so dramatic when she takes her glasses off. I bet they taught her that in law school.

"You know, your problem with Olivia getting married; and I know what you're going to say. 'oh no I want my best friend to settle down'. I know you do but I also know you want it to be with you." I hold my hand up again. "Up high."

"I don't want to settle down with Olivia."

"Uh oh. Down low for fucking up." Shit. This is why I knew I should have talked to her first.

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing." Fuck. "I just thought I knew what you wanted."  
"Everyone thinks that. I know they do but that's not true."

"So tell me because I'm confused." Jessie is going to kill me.

"It's like this. I met Olivia when she was still a teenager, I mean a real teenager. I kind of took her under my wing, showed her life. It's hard to explain. Okay. I've always been by her side. I know how she thinks. When Olivia wants something she gets it at whatever cost, but she doesn't think things through. Her and Rodney they are so impulsive that things always go wrong and I've always been there to fix things for them. But with this…I just want her to give it more time. I know it seems heaven sent now…she gets bored easily. I just think if she gave it more time than things will pan out better in the future. On the other hand there are all these things that happen from college up to now that Natalia doesn't know about. I told Olivia she should tell her and then see where things go. They could come back and bite her in the ass. She's not thinking about those things all she wants is Natalia and she might lose her if she doesn't untangle herself from the things that have been holding her back for so long."

"Hmm, I guess but that's kind of up to Olivia if she wants her Natalia to know about those things."

She sighs deep. "I know."

"I thought you were in love with Olivia. I even planned it all out what you could say to her to stop the wedding."

"You know I don't believe in love. I believe in sex and a mutual bond of sex."

"Actually I've been thinking about what you said. I mean there is no way you could have been as successful as you are if you have to constantly deal with the whining of a woman moping about your work."  
"And that's what I told Blake. She knows I'm married to my work. I wouldn't have time for her most days and she would hate me even more if I tied her down to an empty house. But I'm always the bad guy."

"So can I make a play."

"If you touch I will set your penis on fire."

"Gotcha." This is going to end super bad for me. D is gong to be super pissed and Jessie is just going to shoot me.

"Up high for advance apologies."  
"For what?" She gives me her best interrogation face. It does scare me what's coming will be worse that any hard stare she can give.

"Don't leave me hanging." She slaps my hand. But I still don't get it. "Are you scared Natalia is taking your place?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, a little."

**Trial Part 16**

**Autiro Sr.**

The whole day Olivia had notice Doris had been distracted. She could feel herself being watched by both Natalia and Doris. She couldn't help but shift in her seat. For a second she thought they might actually start fighting during one of the recesses. Doris kept asking to talk with her and Natalia wouldn't leave her side. Natalia had practically wrapped herself around Olivia claiming her territory. To say the least she was getting tired of the constant pulling. Something had to give and Doris never gave.

"Hey pay attention." Olivia elbowed Doris stopping her from making another spiral doodle.

"You're saying your son was never diagnosed with any mental or psychological disorder?"

"Of course not. There was nothing wrong with Nicholas. His mother made him weak. When he came to visit I just tried to show him how to be a man." Nicholas Sr. shrugged his shoulders focus on the men in the jury.

A few of them nodded their head with the other remained suspicious.

"So why do you think Nicholas acted the way he did? Mrs. Walker and Mr. Dubois testified he was diagnosed with a disorder."

"Admittedly I let Nicholas loose while he lived with me. By the time tried to reign him in he was too far gone; with his football career and girlfriends. I tired to tell him so many times that once you have a child life is over. He would have to get married and get a job to support them. I told him the girl just wanted to tie him down because they knew he was going somewhere, but he didn't listen. I stayed true to my word. I got him a job at a factory in the evens so he could at least finish high school."

"And did he tell you how Mrs. Rivera came to lose their child?"

"He told me they were arguing and she tripped, fell on her stomach. Of course she had a different story. After that she stayed with her parent and when to college. I told Nicholas that I wasn't paying for school so he could go get another girl pregnant. He had a wife and they needed to work things out. I didn't want him to fail in life. You finish what you start." Nicholas puffed his chest out.

"What about the allegations that you were stalking Ms. Spencer and Ms. Rivera?"

"I just wanted to see my grandchildren; they are the only links I have to my murdered son. I'm sure any grandparent would feel the same way."

"And your ties to a well known crime family in Chicago."

"Nothing has been proven. I was indicted but I have not been found guilty of any wrong doing."

"The alleged abuse of your former wives?"

"I never abuse them. Sure we argued but I never laid a hand on any of them including a child. I would never hurt a child; mine or anyone else's."

Doris only listened have way to the testimony. She was sure nothing Nicholas Sr. could say that could change the mind of the jury about Nicholas Jr. The only thing he could do was make himself look less like a monster. Renee and Remy's testimony almost certified him as the worst father in the world.

She was more focused on what Johnny had said. She was losing. It was an unusual feeling. Even when Olivia was deep in her addiction she felt like she was winning. Even day Olivia lived or walked into her office she felt like she won another day.

The drugs weren't her battle it was keeping Olivia alive long enough for her to stop. And she won. Everyday was a new victory and with that victory she could sleep most nights until someone called her and told her Olivia died. That winter night she was on the cusp of losing, but she fought and Olivia fought and they won; like usual.

This was different. She was losing everything she had worked so hard to keep. She couldn't count how many time she called their friendship quits only to be back together the next day.

This was different. There was a person and real person standing in between them. Although it was selfish on her part and she knew that; Doris couldn't, wouldn't give up that easily.

Natalia wasn't strong enough to hold Olivia and she did want Olivia standing on her own.

She was sure of that, but what she wasn't sure of was how much she wanted to hold on to. She didn't want Olivia to be the Olivia who passed out everyday and night. She didn't want the drug addict Olivia.

If she were really truthful with herself; Doris knew Natalia was the best thing for Olivia. She had done her best to keep Olivia going but she was tired. She couldn't be with Olivia every minute of every day. That wasn't a friendship that was a parent-child relationship.

So what did she want? Doris didn't know herself. Through out the day she watched Olivia, confident as always.

She watched Olivia waiting for an epiphany. It was impossible for her to love-love Olivia, she didn't believe in those things. Or did she? Was it as simple as she felt like Natalia was pushing her out of Olivia's life on purpose or did she really love Olivia?

"No further questions."

"Defense?" Judge Allen had been watching Doris throughout the days proceeding. She hadn't shown much interest in the testimonies. She was nothing like she used to be in his courtroom and for the first time in a long time he thought she might lose.

Olivia elbowed Doris.

"What? Oh, no your honor."

**Visit- **Natalia

I wonder if it is a sin to beg God to freeze time while having sex. I'm sure it is but I love this moment and every moment before and after. But this is my favorite.

The time right before she cums, when her voice is hoarse from begging. Her knees find themselves raised almost under my quivering arms tired from holding me up so long. The heels of her feet dig into the back of my thigh. I love it, record it mentally till the next time but I love it, I've said that right!

The time for slow and gentle long gone but the love is at its peak. Our hips work over time to met and separate pushing the pleasure to its limit, if it ever has one. She has a definitely limit that I take her to every time, anytime that she asks. "Come on baby. Give it to me." She pushed back harder, but I push harder. "That's it. You like that." I circle my hip before pushing to the left.

"Oh, god." She whispers in my ear, her whimpers pushing me further into oblivion.

How we ever keep a solid rhythm is beyond me. Thank heavens something takes over controlling our movements.

She knows my spot playing with is all the time making me crazy and a little frustrated I don't have the control.

But I know hers to. It's my mark that I had to beg her not to get tattooed. So I lick and nip at the mark. As much as I love using toys with her I miss feeling her velvet glove around my finger pulling me deeper into her body. I miss it, but I settle for watching the ecstasy play across her face until she's too tired to keep her legs wrapped around my waist. "I wish you knew how good you feel."

"Na-ta-" That's as much as she says before arching off the bed. Her short finger nails dig into my back, pushing me over with her. She quivers and whimpers under me, holding me in place.

I anchor her to the bed, kissing any exposed skin whisper, "I got you baby. It's okay." I clear her sweat soaked hair from her forehead before place a solitary kiss on the scar peeking from her hairline.

Her mouth moves in a silent chant as old as time. I don't have to hear the words to know what she's saying. "I love you. God I love you so much."

Just for good measure I always push into her one more time, just to hear her whine. "I can't. Ten minutes. Ten minutes." She begs.

"What's wrong?"

"What?" I stop buttoning up my shirt long enough to turn to her still on the bed with the sheet pooled at her waist. I run my finger down her back covered in sweat.

"You tell me."

"Nothing is wrong." Everything is wrong. Instead of making love in our bed we have to settle for hour long visits or telephone calls. Instead of holding her close at night I'm forced to hug a pillow and even then I can't sleep because pillows don't hug back.

"Natalia, if you're still worried." She flips over holding my hand in hers.

"I'm not worried I know Doris is doing her best to win this case." And I also know she is madly in love with my fiancé, Johnny told me that much. But I don't believe Doris sent him. If anything she would have confronted me herself. "I just know its going to be Rafe's turn to testify and I don't want him to but I know it necessary."

"He's going got be fine. You practiced with him and the judge gave him a tour of what is gong to happen." She stretches her arms over her head, tempting me to get back in the bed. "He's tough and if he gets in trouble then we'll stop it, simple as that."

"Do you think he's lying?"  
"Sometimes but then sometimes not. I think he's scared to remember Nicholas. Has he said anything to you?"

"No but I think he's trying to put on a good front."

"Tell him I love him and what ever happens I always will."

**Trail Part 19**

** Rafe**

Rafe walked up to the stand after being called. She turned to the court room with his hand raised, I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth."

The jury laughed at the eager young man. The bailiff looked at the judge who waved him off smiling at Rafe.

He sat on the stand hugging his action figure close. His grandma gave him the toys the week after Olivia had been arrested, one was superman and the other was wonder woman. The judge told him he could keep them with him.

All eyes were on him, but he kept his on Olivia.

Natalia had slicked back his hair that he insisted on growing out. It was down to his shoulder and a hassle every morning to comb.

"Raphael." Prosecutor Rincon approached the stand. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"You promised to tell the truth?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Okay I want to start from the beginning." The woman walked back to the table flipping through a few pages in a book. "When did you first meet Olivia Spencer?"

Rafe smiled bright. "She came to my house with Ma."

"And you saw her regularly after that?"

"Yes ma'am"

"And did your father visit during this time?"

"No."

Olivia watched her son become agitated at the question. He pulled at his clip on tie, threatening to pull it off.

"Raphael did your father know about Olivia visiting you?"

"I don't know." Rafe shrugged his shoulder still holding an action figure in each hand.

"Okay. I want to talk about your father."

Rafe's eye widen as he shook his head.

"Why not, didn't you like him?"

"He didn't like me. He was always mad when I called him Dad." Rafe punched the two figures in front of him walking them along the rail in front of him.

"Raphael do you remember the day in question, the day your father was murdered."

"No." Rafe told the truth too afraid to lie in front of all the people. The day was too jumbled to decipher. He remembered playing video games, everything else were flashes of random event in his life that couldn't have possibly happened that day. For his selective memory Rafe was glad. He was trying to forget the man he called Dad had ever existed. He wanted to forget the first seven years of his life and never look back no matter how many smart people they took him to see.

"No further questions."

Doris stood up approaching Rafe to get his attention.

Olivia fidgeted under his stare. He was being questioned and she didn't want him to be in distress. She felt guilty by the look on his face because she was being selfish allowing him to get on the stand.

"Tell us about your typical day Rafe."

"I get up a 5:30 and put on a pot of coffee"

"Wow 5:30." Doris said with fake enthusiasm.

"That's when Mom gets back from her run then we practice tai-chi and karate. We drink coffee and read the funnies. We cook breakfast for Ma, before we leave for school. When I get out of school I go to the hotel to do my homework. Then we go home."

"You have a busy schedule…Rafe I know this is going to be hard but I want to talk about your father."

Rafe held his action figure tighter trying to keep eye contact with Olivia.

"You don't like to talk about your father do you?"

The jury listens for a response but none came.

Doris waited as did the judge who was growing concerned.

"Rafe?"  
"He called me stupid."

The Mayor let out a lung full of air in relief. "Okay." Everyone had been afraid he would freeze up and that wouldn't bode well for them.

"And her hit Ma." Rafe held up his action figure, both fly through the air in front of him.

"Did that make you sad?"

"Yes."

"Did he ever hurt you?"

Rafe watched Olivia trying to gauge her mood. It was something he did when he was scared, except Olivia wasn't giving him a thumb up for support. "He hurt my arm. He hurt Ma a lot and screamed lot if I cried. He wouldn't stop."

"Before, did you want to live with your Mom and Dad?"

"I wanted to live with my Ma." Rafe smiled at Natalia who tried to keep a smile on her face for support. "Then I wanted to live with Ma AND Mom."

"You mean Olivia?"

Rafe nodded his head holding up Wonder Woman.

"Who's that?" Doris stepped back making sure everyone could see the action figure.

"This is Superman." He held up the other action figure.

"Is that you?"

"Yep, Olivia said I was Superman. She made up a story and everything but I can't remember it, not right now." Rafe walks the action figure across the rail.

"And who is that?"

"This," Rafe pointed the action figure at Olivia, who sunk down in her seat. "Olivia and this," He pulled another figure out of his pocket. "Is Louise Lane, Ma. We have to protect her."

"You love Olivia. You like your family?"

"Yes I like her more that Nicholas." Rafe said as Doris walked back to her seat. "I'm glad he's gone so he can't scream anymore."

"No more questions." The mayor smiles inwardly. The questioning of the boy went smoother that she had thought it would. The prosecutor obviously saw there was no point she could win with Rafe and the jury had to have been swayed in their favor. Their view of Nicholas was of an uncaring man who deserved what he got.

"Redirect your honor." The prosecutor stood approaching Rafe again. Ms. Rincon had initially thought she couldn't win but the defense had backed her against the wall. Rafe testimony could ruin her whole case if they thought of Nicholas as an uncaring father. There was more than that to the case and she wanted the jury to see that.

"Rafe you said your Father hit your mother?"

"I saw him." Rafe continued to play with the three figures.

"Isn't it true that your mother told everyone you dreamed it?"

"No!" His hands stop as he looked up. "I saw him, he made her cry!" Rafe voice rose as he argued.

"How old were you?"

"I don't know." Rafe eyes bounced wall to wall.

Olivia moved to the edge of her chair sensing the panic in Rafe rise.

"Isn't it true you made up the whole thing?"

"No! I saw it he hit her and she cried!" Rafe was close to tear. No had believed him or they told him to be quiet. "He didn't like me!"

They jury sat back confused as to what the prosecutor thought she would gain by making the young man cry.

"And that made you angry to be rejected." The woman voice rose a bit trying to push Rafe's button to remember the day at least slip up ripping an alibi.

"Objection your honor!" Doris stood up from her chair as did Natalia.

The guard by the door put a hand on Natalia's shoulder stopping her from moving towards her son.

"Truth is you never saw anything?" The prosecutor raised her voice over the commotion. "Raphael isn't it true you made the whole thing up, your father never touched you or your mother?"

"Objection your honor!" Doris shouted over the question.

Rafe did his best not to cry, but the noise was too loud for his ear, reminding him of his father. "No he did! I didn't want to but I cried and he tried to kill me. But Olivia saved me and Emma. She said he would never hurt us again!"

The room became eerily quiet at the screaming child.

"But you didn't know Olivia then and Nicholas never saw your sister!" The attorney walked to the jury with a triumphant smile on her face, knowing Rafe was talking about the murder. The recognition registered on some of jurors' faces.

"No she did save me!" Rafe slammed him balled fist on the railing standing from his, his turn red as he stared the woman down.

"No Rafe she couldn't have. Did your dad try to shot you and Olivia shot him first. You can tell us." The woman stepped closer holding his stare until he looked away.

Rafe hugged his action figure tight trying to decipher the picture in his head. The tears of terror ran down his face as he watched his shoes. "No! Olivia wouldn't hurt anyone."

"Yes she would and you're lying for her Rafe. You're lying!" She yelled over him.

"Objection!"

"No!" Rafe answer, no one could hear him over the attorneys yelling.

"You know what happened!"

"Objection!"

"Order!" the judge banged his gavel trying to stop the attorney from her rough questioning.

Rafe dropped his figures curling on the floor covering his ears. He remember the glass being thrown and broken down stairs, he remembered the yelling and the sound of his Ma crying under his father fist. The gun pointed at his back, he remembered the guns going off as he was held by his shirt unable to get loose from the bigger man in the hotel lobby. He remembered his father kicking in the door to his sisters' room when he tried to protect her. He remembered the gun being pointed in his face while he was called a bastard, his father snatching Emma from his arms pushing him down and making him hit his head on the wall. He remembered the plate falling millisecond before he knew he had to get somewhere safe before the hitting, choking, or slapping. He remembered a lot of things but what he remembered the most was how happy his ma was and how he didn't have to worry if she was okay or if his dad was coming after him next.

"You bitch!" Natalia whipped free of the hold of the officer.

Olivia was already pulling Rafe from the floor holding him in her arms.

The jury watched the scene play out in astonishment. It was clear to every one the prosecution was out of line but she seemed to have taken a gamble and lost, what no one could figure out was what she expected to gain for breaking a child on the stand. No one knew and for all they didn't care. Suddenly Olivia and Doris looked like angels and their mob partners were A students.

"Who do you think you are?" Natalia pointed her finger in the face of the attorney. Ready to kill the only thing that held her back was Olivia and he crying son.

"He did." Rafe wrapped his arms around Olivia's neck.

"I know Superman." Olivia kissed the top of Rafe's head

"Stop her." Judge Allen pointed to Chadwick the Bailiff at the back of the court room. "Miss. Spencer you leave his room and I will hold you in contempt."

Natalia joined Olivia in the middle of the room rubbing Rafe's back.

"I don't care he's not doing this anymore." Olivia walked from the stand to the back of the room.

The jury sat in shock at the statement. They waited on pins a needles waiting for the judge to say anything.

"Bailiff, remove the jury from the court room. Chambers."

The man stepped in front of the door cutting off the threesomes escape.

"Chad if you don't move you will regret it for the rest of your life." Olivia's eyes turned an unnatural dark green as she stared at the man.

Officer Chadwick only resisted for a moment before stepping aside.

Olivia sat Rafe on the bench just outside the court room trying to calm him. "I'm so sorry Superman. I should have never-"

Natalia wrapped her arms around her family trying to soothe him and Olivia.

"Judge Allen I think we should have another professional talk to the boy." Mrs. Rincon walked into the office behind Doris already talking before the door could be closed.

"We've already had two speak with him." Doris stepped in front of her addressing the judge.

"A third won't hurt."

"NO." The gray haired mans voice boom through his office silencing the women's bickering. "The boys' testimony will be thrown out."

The out of towner crossed her arms like a child. "Your honor I'm requesting a mistrial. His testimony has already tainted the jury." The Prosecutor stepped forward arguing her case. Not only had his testimony swayed the jury but her actions would fare bad for her case.

As if he were reading her mind the Judge stared her down. "You should have thought about that before you treated a child like a hostile witness on the stand. I won't have it in my courtroom. The boys' testimony will be thrown out and proceedings will start again tomorrow promptly at 8."

**OLIVIA**

Standing in the bathroom mirror takes me back to the night Natalia asked me to get sober. She told me I was force, that I could do anything. Lately it had been feeling that way; like I could do no wrong especially when she's by my side backing me up. Today was different. I messed up. I knew I shouldn't have let Rafe take the stand, the Judge said he didn't have to but I let him anyway for that woman to destroy.

But this is harder than watching him cry, because I can't be there for him. He seemed fine when they left but I know he'll have a nightmare and I won't be there to comfort him, or sit up with him. I promised to protect him but I left him out in the open for the lions.

"Hey." Doris walks into the bathroom already in her pajamas.

"Hey." I wash my face of the days' make up.

"You okay?"

"Fine." Then there is Doris. For the last few days she's been in and out; not paying attention to testimony, the funny looks when Natalia is mentioned, and just the around funny feeling I get when were alone, like now.

"How's Rafe?"

"He seemed good; ate plenty of ice cream and cake, probably going to be up all night with a stomach ache." I smile at her in the mirror but she looks away, not Doris like at all. "What's with you?" I turn around leaning against the counter.

She shifts from one foot to the other. "Well you promised popcorn and soft core porn movies. I've been in there laughing at the corny lines by myself."

"Doris what is wrong-" Before I can compete my sentence her lips are upon mine; her tongue sliding its way into my mouth. As quickly as it happened it ends. Her hands trap me on the counter.

"What was that?" I think I would be mad if the shock had worn off.

She shakes her head in disbelief. "I was talking to Johnny he said…he said I love you…but I don't, I just had to make sure."

"By kissing me!" The shock shifts to anger at her action knowing how I feel about Natalia, my family. How could she be so selfish? I push her away. "How could you be so selfish; I'm getting married!" This is the last thing I need today.

"I know, I know that."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I'm did that for both of us!"

"You have some nerve Doris. I can't believe you think-"

"Oh save it Olivia. I know you've though about it. I see how Natalia looks at me. I know she has to nag you about spending time with me and I know you've thought about us…being together!" She takes a step closer to me.

"No."

"Yes you have. I have eyes, the way you look at me sometimes like you wonder what could have been."

It doesn't matter that she's right. Sometimes when Natalia says off handed things about our relationship, I wonder if things would be easier with Doris. I wonder if I had never gone to that party with her and Rodney if things would have been different. I wonder sometimes if Doris did believe in love if we could have been. "It doesn't matter." But I still want to know. "So?"

She shakes her head. "I didn't feel anything. You?"

"It was kind of quick but no." Doris frowns; did she want me to feel something? "You know what this is about?"

"Me not liking Natalia?"

"No…why don't you like her, she's…later…you're mad." I take a step closer to her, just in reach. "When Natalia left I made you a promise I would stay sober but I lied. I lied to you. I went out and overdosed without saying goodbye to you. You thought I was going to die that time and when I didn't the worry left and you were angry and I never apologized for putting you through that." I wrap my arms around her waist settling my chin on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I never meant to put you through that mess. I wasn't thinking about anyone but me and I'm sorry."

Doris leans her head back against my shoulder. "You really scared me." Her fingers lock in mine. "I thought that was it, the doctors said that was it and I couldn't take it. But you lived; you woke up like nothing had happened."

"I'm so sorry I was being selfish but never forget that I am so thankful for all the things you've done for me. All the times you've picked me up off the floor, called 911 and sat by my bedside. I couldn't have done it without you and I'll never forget that."

With a sudden twist we're standing face to face. She's still frowning, with her eyes refusing to meet mine. "You know what I thought about when I got to the hospital, I thought about what I did. I tried everything I could to cheer you up. Then I walked into that room and you were shaking and jerking. Everyone was yelling and moving so quick." Her voice trials off as she breaks my hold on her. She takes a step back. "You stopped. You stopped breathing while I was standing there being useless."

"Doris"

"No you stopped breathing and all I could do was stand there and think of was finding you on that bathroom floor covered in blood and vomit all those years ago. I almost lost it. I saw you lying there bleeding on that cold tile floor and all I could think of was that you would never know how hard I tried to make things right. How much I wanted to take that night back. There was so much blood!" She takes my hands holding my wrist up for inspection. She knows the scar has faded to nothing. Still she knows where it was. "I saw you."

"That was along time ago." I pull my hands out of her grasp.

"It was yesterday and now all I can worry about is the next time. Will you succeed in killing yourself? Will I find you? Will you call and say goodbye?"

"I'm not going to kill myself." I place my hands on the sides of her face. "Look at me; I'm not going to do that again. It was stupid. I was young. I have so much to live for; you, Natalia, Rafe, and Emma."

Doris twits out of my grip. "I can't stop thinking about it. Because you say that and then I start to believe and then I get frantic calls from Rodney. 'Olivia overdosed'. I don't want that phone call. I hate answering my phone when he calls because I know what it is about and I know it my fault."

"It's not!" I scream at her. "It's not your fault, its not Rodney's, Weller's or Lily's. It's mine. I did those things. I drank when you told me to slow down. I stayed in that room with Lily when everyone had left. I was the one who couldn't handle what happen and I was the one who tried to take the easy way out!" I don't know how many times I have to say it. How many ways can I show her, it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I have come to terms with it, why can't she.

"If you would have never when to that party…Three times Olivia. Three. I thought maybe I should let you go, then maybe you would be in a happier place, but then I think about it, I don't believe in heaven there is no happy place, there's just death. There's darkness, there nothing. So I keep trying."

I sigh knowing I'm not going to win this fight. "It was twice."

"Three." She corrects.

I throw my hands up, it's futile. "I told you the first time was an accident."

"No Olivia you don't accidently take a whole bottle of pills then drink a fifth of vodka the day after you were assaulted!"

"It was four pills and I was hurting they weren't helping."

"While you hid in the bathroom!"

"You wouldn't leave me alone."

"Because the nurse said you were depressed and you might hurt your self." She walks from on end of the bathroom to the next.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself Doris. I was trying to make the pain go away so I could sleep just for a few minutes without reliving flashes that I didn't know if they were real or not." I can't reason with her. She doesn't believe a word I say.

"That!" She stops her pacing pointing accusingly at me."That! The pain Olivia."

"You aren't me. You don't know what I was going through!"

"No I don't but you can't bottle it up until you do something drastic to stop it. How many doctors have I referred you to, counselors, groups, or recovery centers?"

"I know I fucked up. I screw up my life and yours!"

"I didn't say that."

"I know I'm trying to make things right. I am. I'm trying so how about you give me a little leeway." I tell her in the calmest voice I can muster. It's been long over do and probably isn't worth much but she deserves this much. I walk over to her hugging her until she relaxes and embraces me back. I hear her sigh in my shoulder. "Doris I am so sorry for not trusting you. I am sorry for all the times you've had to feel helpless or burden but most of all I'm thankful that you stuck in there because without you I might not be here today. I love and nothing will change that, so thank you for loving me back even when I pushed you away."

"I love you too."

I pull back from her looking her in the eyes. I didn't think those words would mean much to me but I feel a lot better after saying them. I know she does too I can see it in her body. "How about we sit down and have a nice long talk maybe you'll feel better and if not I'll let you hit me."

"I'm not going to hit you." She chuckles wiping her eyes of unleashed tears.

"I know but don't say I didn't offer." I pull her out o the bathroom settling on the bed with the bowl of cold popcorn between us.

"I just don't see what you see in her." She throws a cornel in air catching it in her mouth. "I've always known you believe in the fairytale love and all the crap but what's so special about her?"

"Because Natalia is Natalia. She's loving, attentive, strong and smart."

"Great in bed?"

"And great in bed."

Doris flips through the titles of movies. "Invasion of the Booty Snatchers?"

"Why not?" We both lay back against the headboard. "I love her, I don't know why. Maybe it's the way she can make everything better with the touch of her hand. Maybe it's the way she just knows when something is wrong and has a simple answer for it or maybe it just is"

"Or the sex."

I roll my eye slapping Doris on the arm. "Whatever it is, I know I don't want to lose it. I know I need to wake up everyday knowing she's there and will be for the long run." I sit up turning to my best friend. "I need this in need her in my life." My tongue feels like it's swelling in my mouth or my throat just got tighter. "Please don't make me choose. I love you both, I need you both."

Doris moves the bowl scooting over wrapping her arms around my shaking shoulders. " I wouldn't do that. I love you too." She pulls back sitting back against the headboard. "So what is it about the sex anyway?"

"If I tell you, you can't tell Blake I've already had an earful about it." I sit back feeling a little foolish. I know she wouldn't make me choose. I just can't shake the feeling, especially after what happened in the bathroom.

"Cross my heart."

**NATALIA**

"Shh." I hush Blake and Lindsey's laughter. "I thought I heard Emma."

They both roll their eyes resuming their giggling.

We have the sitting chart spread out on the kitchen table trying to arrange it, but we can't agree on anything.

"I don't understand inviting all these people to the reception and not the wedding." Lindsey scuffs taking another sip of her mix drink.

"I already told you and Olivia wanted these people to come to the reception. I don't even know most of these people."

"Maybe we should go banquet style with long table that way people won't be trap with five people they don't like." Blake picks up another name trying to find a table to sit it at.

"At mine and Jaime's wedding we didn't have table just a dance floor and finger foods. We were so worried about the honeymoon we hardly said goodbye to anyone." She smiles lazily as a thought passes over her features. "It was wild."

"You know what me and Frank did for our honeymoon?"

"Let me guess you slept with Doris and he used your lotion." Lindsey says before I can make the same joke.

Blake frowns rolling her eyes. "That was after the wedding but that night we drove to the beach and sat all night, it was beautiful. Thank you very much." Blake raises her glass before gulping the rest of it down. "What do you have planned? Tell me its something kinky."

"I don't know. Rafe and Emma are going to be there. But I don't want to disappoint either. This is supposed to the special night." I shrug. "We been fulfilling each other fantasies it just seem like we've done everything."

"You couldn't have done everything." Lindsey sits back in her chair with a look of disbelief.

"Well not everything but we promised to pace ourselves. Start small, you know, go down the list." I wave them to lean in making sure no spying ears can hear our conversation. "I've been practicing talking dirty but I don't think Olivia likes the way I talk. I just can't say some of those words."

They both look at each other before bursting into a side splitting laugh. Lindsey actually rolls out of her chair.

What the hell is so funny about me not being about to talk dirty? I guess this is what happens when I ask Olivia to stop telling Doris our bedroom secret and I turn around and do the same thing. Impatiently I wait for their laughter to die down and Lindsey to get back in her seat.

"Are you kidding Natalia? Olivia loves when you talk dirty." Blake says wiping her eyes.

"Did Wolfe tell you that?" I can't believe Olivia would divulge that kind of information knowing Doris is going to tell Blake who going to tell Lindsey and God knows who else.

"You know it, but that doesn't matter."

Lindsey jumps in, "What matters is that you are all she wants, you're all she talks about. I heard them talking one time and she had to have said your name 10 times in one minute."

"I just worry sometimes that I'm not wild enough for her." I play with one of the name card accidently ripping the edge.

"Okay." Lindsey composes herself. "What do you like about the sex?"

"I don't know. The way she looks at me, the way we can make foreplay last for hours, the way she lets me take the lead, how she responds to me, the way she breathes my name. How her body quivers at my touch, or the flash of fear in her eyes when I enter her, but just for a second, because she knows she can trust me. I like the way her body feels wrapped around my fingers, the way it pull them in deeper begging for release. They way she holds on to me so tight that I can't breathe. The way her nails dig into my back or hip. I love the way she stops breathing in that tiny moment, that two second frame she says 'I love you'. I love the way that as she comes down as she looks at me, holds me, whispering like nothing else matter, it's just us that exist in the whole world." I snap myself out of my trance looking at them both with their mouth open.

"I want that." Blake lays her head on the table.

"I had that."

Jokingly, I try to cheer them up. "Believe it or not that was the first draft of my vows."

**TRAIL PART 23**

** CANDY**

Doris had to pinch herself just to keep from going into shock. But there she was Cynthia 'Candy' Settles. The funny thing is that in a town so small Doris had forgotten all about the woman, forgotten she had ever existed.

Plastic surgery had kept her looking fairly young, the DD breast implants never failed to turn heads especially in her time as a dancer. Candy had never hurt for money she always had a back up plan. A few of her customers had soft spot in their hearts for so she never lost.

The whole courtroom gasped as the woman walked into the room wearing a very tight pants suit with a shirt and jacket that was just hanging on by a button.

Natalia nearly passed out, she hadn't seen the woman since the first trail and was hoping she would never see the woman again, but there she was hand raised on the stand ready to tell the whole world her story. As the initial shock wore off Natalia almost smiled, she had forgotten to thank the woman for keeping Nicholas occupied. She would have to do it later.

"Mrs. Settles." Prosecutor Rincon rose from her seat walking to the stand.

"Please call me Candy, everyone else does." The bleach blond woman squeezed her arms together lifting her breast for everyone to see. She smiled sweetly at the attorney who visibly shivered disgusted by the display.

"Okay, Candy. How long did you live in Springfield?"

"Oh my whole life until after the trail I moved to Atlanta. I figure it was too much craziness going around."

"And how long have you know the defendants Ms. Spencer and Mayor Wolfe?'

"I don't know a long time, pretty much since they blew into this town. I was about 24, 25 when I met them with Rodney. I was stripping at 'The Pit'. They were frequent customers."

"Please tell us about your time together."

"Like I said I was working as a stripper. I remember they came in already drunk and almost got threw out. I danced for Rodman first."

"You mean Rodney York?"

"Yea I call him Rodman. I danced for him first then I danced for Wolfe. They were throwing money everywhere, had to be a couple of thousand. Anyway we were talking and the Mayor gave me a line. I remember she said something like 'I can open your eyes to a whole new world' of some crap like that. But I fell for it. We partied together for almost 2 month just none stop. They took me around the world places I've never seen before."

"Just to be clear you've have sexual relations with all three of them; Mayor Wolfe, Ms. Spencer and Rodney York?"

"You didn't just have sex with one of them, why would you. So of course I slept with all three of them. All the way up till I left for Atlanta." Candy shrugged her shoulder, letting out a little chuckle at the absurd question.

The whole room fell silent except for the clanging of rosary beads falling to the hardwood floor from a shocked Natalia's hand.

Olivia didn't bother to turn around she knew Natalia was probably staring a hole in the back of her head.

"But everyone was doing it, sleeping around you know."

"Mhm, no I don't but tell me about your relationship over the years." The young attorney smiled at the shocked expression on Natalia's face. _Maybe a shock to the system will stop her from covering for Olivia_.

"My relationship with the Wolfe pretty much ended when we got back to town. I can't blame her she had ambitions. But my relationship with Olivia and Rodman was still on high. We chilled a lot. I myself was never really in to cocaine but they were. At first it was cool but I kind of distanced myself from their cocaine parties."

"What changed?"

"They did! You do not want to be around them when they are high. Olivia will become so paranoid she'd lock herself in a room till she came down sometimes. And Rodney will swear someone did something to her and would just start fights. I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull him off of someone before he killed them."

"So they were violent?"

"Rodney definitely but Olivia only sometimes; it was like one minute she was funny and spirited and the next she was cursing and screaming. When they crashed, you know came down, it was worse. She would be depressed, you know really bring the party to a halt. Rodney would get really quiet like he was in deep thought."

Olivia was trying her hardest not to shift under the judgmental gaze of the jury. More so she was breaking her neck just to continue to look forward. Every muscle in her neck was rebelling, trying to make her turn around to meet the no doubt fury gaze of Natalia.  
"Can you recall a particular incident?"

"Oh yea I'll never forget it. They were on like a two week binge. And we were up in Olivia's hotel partying, having sex and stuff. She asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom. Things started getting hot and heavy. I don't what I did but she freaked out; started yelling at me about trying to hold her down. The guy I was dating came in to see what the problem was, he was high to. Rodney came in and started wailing on him. Olivia runs to the bathroom and locked herself in. The next thing I know the cops are there and Rodney s fighting with them. Wolfe comes in and throws everyone out. The next morning I heard Olivia had overdosed. I kind of started to distance myself after that."

"Okay let's skip ahead and talk about your relationship with the victim. How did it start?"

"I was working when Nicholas came into the club. At first he kind of gave me a hard time. He called me a whore and ever other name under the sun, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I know men and it was obvious he had some mother or wife issues and he was drunk. About a week later he came back with flowers and asked me to breakfast when I got off. That morning we went to a hotel and had sex. I felt sorry for him; he said his wife was cheating on him with his best friends."

"Do you make a habit of sleeping with people you feel sorry for?"

Candy shrugged her shoulders. "Anyway he asked me to meet him again. I told him it would cost and he said okay. Four or five times a week we met at the hotel he paid me 150 for sex. But I think he really just wanted to talk about his wife and how she tried to trap him. I didn't really listen. It just seemed like he was crazy to me."

"Did he ever have any other suspicion about his wife cheating?"

"Once he said he thought Officer Cooper was sleeping with her, but that's all I heard him say."

"Did he ever say anything about abuse being a part of there relationship?"

"No, not to me."

"The end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010, after the first trial and while Ms. Rivera was away did you have any sexual contact with any of the defendants?"

"Yes. I returned after Rodman called me up, I had sex with Olivia but only because she seemed so depressed I thought I could make her feel better like old times."

"And before that when was the last time you were sexual with Ms. Spencer?"

"That summer I think it was around the end of June around there. I was there with two other women but I left early that night to go to work. They told me later she kicked them out, but my friend Lisa has a problem with theft, she was problem stealing." Candy waved dismissively at the jury gallery.

"No more questions." The prosecutor turned to the jury one more time. She was sure all twelve of the jurors were repulsed by everything the two women at the table stood for.

Doris rose from her seat, calmly straightening her jacket. Inside she was cursing up a storm. She stood still for a second making sure her legs would collapse from under her. "Candy, how are you?"

"Fine." Candy smiled flirtatiously twirling her hair around her finger.

Blake rolled her eyes at the act; she couldn't count how many time people fell for the innocent act of the former stripper.

"It's been awhile."

"Almost three years."

"Yes it has." The Mayor stepped around the table walking to middle of the floor. "I know you know a lot about Ms. Spencer?"

"You could say."

"How much did you know about Nicholas Autoro?"

"Not much just what I heard and what he told me."

"But you know about his temper also?"

"I think everyone knew about it."

"Objection!"

"Over ruled." Judge Allen waved the prosecutor off.

Doris slowly walked to the opposite side of the jury. "You know first hand, just like Ms. Rivera?"

"Yes."

"So tell us what you recall."

"There was this one time Nicolas was outside of the club when I got off work one morning. We usually meet at the hotel but he was waiting. He saw one of the bouncers walk me to my car and I gave him a hug. I guess it lasted too long for Nicky; he confronted us in front of the club. He ran up to me a wrapped his hand around my throat but Rick, the bouncer, pulled him off of me. They fought for a bit before I told Rick he was a cop. When we got to hotel he said he was sorry. He said he loved me and that seeing me with someone else made him crazy. He promised he wouldn't do it again."

"And did he do it again?"  
"Once. But not to me. Amber, another girl at the club told me he chocked her until she passed out. I saw her the next day she had a bruise around her neck and a few on her stomach. I told her she should call the cops. After that I stopped seeing him."

"And it was over just like that."

"No. For a couple of days I thought he was stalking me. Then I saw him at the bar with his wife. I was low on cash so I invited him to come back to the hotel with me. A couple of days after that was when the shooting happened."

"And you skipped town?"

"Hell yea…oops sorry, but yea I left. I mean everyone knows you can't hurt Olivia without a visit from Rodney or you. So when I heard Olivia was shot I knew everyone Nicholas ever touch would regret knowing him." Candy leaned forward speaking enthusiastically.

"Did you witness Mr. Autoro ever being threaten or attacked?

"Well, yea. A lot of people didn't like him. He used to rough people up so it wasn't unusual for people to threaten to kill him or just to hear people talking about it. I was surprised no one had hurt him yet. Like I said he had a temper."

**Visit**

** Olivia**

You son of a bitch, you did this on purpose. I stop my rambling at God when I think I hear the door being opened but it turns out it just my imagination. I'll be surprised if Natalia even shows up for our visit. I know there isn't going to be any sex involved. Oh no, we are going to have a very long long talk about just how many women there where and of course she won't believe me when I tell her I don't remember sleeping with Candy. Truthfully she could be lying, but most likely not. Plus I can't be held responsible for the things I did when I was high.

We should definitely put that on paper. Olivia Spencer can not be held responsible for the things she did when she was high. Yep that would take care of anything that might ever pop up in the future.

God she is going to be mad.

My head jerks to the door as it opens. I expect Remy to walk in and tell me Natalia refused but low and behold there is the future Mrs. Spencer, mad as hell, but at least she came. That means she can't be that mad.

"Before you say anything Natalia, I'm sorry for not telling you but I didn't remember sleeping with her."

She puts her hand up. "You know what Olivia I just came to tell you that I am very, very upset and that maybe we shouldn't be in the same room right now." I can see the anger in her eyes.

"That's not fair, you're not even going to let me explain what happened."

Her face morphs from stone cold to disbelief. "I asked you. I asked you were you involved with anyone else. And you said no. That I was the only person you were sleeping with."

"I know."

"Then why would you lie to me Olivia." She starts to yells. "Do you know how many diseases could have been passed around? Its bad enough she was sleeping with my husband and half the town."  
"I know Natalia trust me, I was nothing but careful with you. I went to get checked up and I hate needles. But it was once." If she can get angry I can to. She might have a reason but I have one to. She was sleeping with Nicholas while we were together. And I have proof. Candy could be lying but I know for sure she was going behind my back or right in front of me. The point is I'm not the only guilty party here. She's done just as much as I have in this relationship. "And what about you! You were sleeping with Nicholas, you didn't bother to tell me that until I saw Emma!"  
"Don't bring Emma into this. I told you it was once and that was all it was. You lied to me. When all you had to do was tell the truth. God! Olivia, do you even know how that makes me feel to have to find this stuff out from some stripper in front of every one!"

"Stop yelling!"

"No because this is how I feel! I feel stupid to even think that you could be faithful to me!" Her hand flies over her mouth before she can strike again.

What? There are so many conflicting feeling swirling around fighting for dominance. I'm hurt but I know she's angry and maybe I should have let her go. I'm frustrated that she's right, I lied but that's no reason to hit below the belt. I'm mad because every time we argue it comes back to me.

I can be faithful. I'm not some slut who can't keep her legs closed. If anything she should be…why the hell am I sitting here defending myself? I was an addict. I wasn't exactly thinking with a clear head. I told her I didn't remember a lot of what happen, this is part of it. So why the fuck do I always have to be the bad person.

She starts to speak a lot calmer. "I know about your past. I know you have a lot of notches in your bedpost but the least you can do is be truthful about it." Natalia walks across the floor from the door to the window. "I'm asking you not to lie to me." She turns back to me with tears in her eyes.

I know what she's going to ask and I want to lie so bad, for her sake.

"Were there any other women?"

"Yes." That's the truth. I know there were, I just can't remember how many or when exactly.

Her shoulders slump impossibly low.

"But I love you and I couldn't have you so I tried to…I don't know, I just wanted to be with you and I tired the next best thing when I couldn't have you."

The first tear rolls down one perfect cheek bone, I move to wipe it away but she slaps my hand away.

"What about Doris was she one of them?"

Okay this is a tricky question. It can go either way. I've already lied about it once. There is no way she can know because Doris was sworn to secrecy. If I tell her the truth she'll freak knowing I'm cooped up in the suite with Doris. But if I lie she could find out down the road. But I only slept with Doris once in college. So if she means did I sleep with Doris while she was gone then the answer would be no.

But she could mean ever. Have I ever slept with Doris? Yes. Did I while we were together or when she left, "No."

She shakes her head in disbelief. "How can we get married if I don't trust you?"

"God Natalia you have nothing to worry about I would never cheat on you. I love you and only you. Why would I jeopardize what we have for a one night stand that will do nothing for me? Why don't you just believe me?"

She pushes past me to the door.

"You think this doesn't hurt me. I hate to see you hurting."

She pauses for second, hand on the knob.

"Natalia we're not finished."

"Yes we are Olivia, more that you know." She walks out of the room knowing I can't follow. Still I run after her.

"Whoa. You know you can't go." Remy steps in front of me.

"Please Remy I need to talk to her before she leaves."

"You know I can't let you go. You'll be thrown in jail."

I know he's doing his job but he could give me a little slack, my fiancé might have just broken off our wedding.

"Oh look who came back early from her afternoon hump fest." Johnny jumps of the couch holding a comb for some reason I don't care about. "You're faster than Jason back there."

"Hey fuck you Johnny boy."

"I said don't call me that." He whines like a little girl. His voice actually raises a few octaves.

"Hey, what's wrong?" The only person I can relate to for some reason Jessie peaks his head out of the kitchen. I have to stop myself from laughing at his ridiculous apron and chef hat.

Now is not the time to laugh and I don't want to cry in front of them. Where the hell is Doris, I need a shoulder to lean on.

"If you're looking for Wolfe she went down stairs to get…" Johnny scratches his head. "I don't know where she went, really."

Great stuck in his place with the three stooges.

I drag over to the couch flopping down on it.

"Hey I know what will make you feel better." Johnny has a glint in his eyes that I'm not sure if I should be scared of.

"No, I'm just going to go in my room and you guys are going to leave me alone. When Doris gets here"

"When I get here what?" Doris walks in holding two arms full of cds.

"Fuck yea you got them."Johnny jumps over me to Doris

"Got what? What are you two up to?"

"Well we decide to do karaoke tonight since I know you were probably going to have rough time with you're girlfriend." Doris drop next to me. "So I got 90's boy bands, lesbian folk artist and some rap."

"Rap?"

"Hell yea, you put in some Jay Z or Will Smith, I dare you not to dance."

"I really doubt they make dance music, well maybe Will Smith."

"You just have to know how to move." Johnny flips through the cds his smile growing wider by the moment. "Here, the best of Backstreet boys." He holds the disc up like a trophy. "Every one grab a comb, I'm A.J."

"First of fall I only sing and dance when I'm high. Secondly my wedding engagement was just possibly broken off and you want to sing."

"Come on Olivia cheer up. I'm sure your wife will call up and you two will have phone while I'm trying to sleep." Doris hands me a comb.

**Natalia**

I can't believe she is still lying to me about this and that. I told her everything that happened to me from the moment I left Springfield and I get nothing. I get 'Does it really matter' or 'I can't remember'.

I don't believe her when she says that. There is no way she can just black out for 3 months. The first three months after I left, are still a mystery to me. No one, not even Blake will tell me what happened. I know Lindsey knows to. They both get a guilty look about them when I ask, but they don't break. All they say is ask Olivia. And back to Olivia. How could she not tell me she was sleeping with that…that slut. That's right I called her a slut. It's obvious that everyone has slept with her. What kind of grown woman goes on a world trip with three people she just met?

Oh my God there is no telling who else she slept with. I never even thought about getting tested. How could I have been so stupid? I knew Nicky was sleeping around and I had sex with him. He could have given me something; Olivia too. I could have put Emma at risk.

"Natalia!"

"What!" I snap at Blake. I don't mean to be mad at her but everything is becoming so twisted. "I'm sorry; I did mean to yell at you."

"No, its okay. You just found out that you were in a…um what would it be, a figure eight. Anyway it's a lot to take in. But your food is getting cold."

"Do you think I was too hard on her?"I twist my fork in the paste just because I need something to do.

"A little." Lindsey waves her fork. "We both know you are upset because she didn't tell you but you have to see it from her point of view too. You already have a view of her and she's probably just hoping she can keep it going."

"But I ask her all the time. And I say that it doesn't matter, I just don't want to hear it from someone else. Is that so much to ask for her to be honest with me?"

"Oh cut her some slack Natalia! She was on drugs for god sakes and that doesn't excuse her behavior." Blake holds up her hands before I can reply. "But you try doing a 3 month coke binge and try to remember what happened, I mean after-"

"Ow!" I rub my shin. "Lindsey did you just kick me."

"Sorry I was trying to kick her."

"Well you shouldn't. Olivia already told me she relapsed while I was gone."

The table grows silent.

"I think maybe you should go back and let her explain. And you should also keep an open mind. What she did before meeting you and while you were gone shouldn't be held against her. You have to know that she and Doris ran through half the town before you arrived and there are bound to be more women running out of the wood works to tell you about it." Blake grips her glass of wine taking a small sip. "I mean it's not like she had her slutty trailer park trash pick her up from jail or that she's probably fucking one of the maids right now. Hell for all you know that trip to Louisiana was just an excuse to go gamble and meet some prostitutes."

Lindsey puts her hand on Blake forearm. "I thought we talked about this already."

"I know I know." Blake shrugs her off. "I like playing the field don't get me wrong. I like dating or having sex with no strings attached but it would be nice if every once and a while she called me."

"You know Blake there are a lot of people in this town that really admire you."

Is Lindsey coming on to Blake!

"Are you coming on to me?"

"No. It's just my wife is just like Doris."

"You mean the one you go meet at some hotel every other weekend." I ask her, jokingly.

"Yes and we were not meeting at hotels we are trying to reconcile through counseling, for your information."

A counselor going to counseling that makes a lot of sense. "So when will we get to meet her?"

"At the wedding, oh and Natalia don't be mad but I told her I slept with Olivia but that was a long time ago I doubt she even remembers, but like I was saying Jaime is just like Doris and somewhat Olivia."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have to play their game. Like with Jaime. When we first met we didn't sleep together for several months. I thought maybe if I made her work for it she would want me more but I found out she was seeing someone else. I was mad but mostly at myself."

"And how is this supposed to help me?"

"You have to turn the tables. Be the first to get up and leave. Go ahead and call but then cancel and make sure she sees you with someone else and if all else fails ignore her completely. It might take a while but it will work"

"Lindsey I hate to burst your bubble-"

"You have to show Doris that you don't need her you have plenty of options." Lindsey interrupts Blake.

"I thought that was what I was doing by dating other people."

"You were on the track but then you run when she calls. You can't, next time she calls you ignore it, do it for a couple of days."

"She is right; you have done a poor job of making her jealous." I try to take the edge off of my words.

"I know I don't know why."

Lindsey raises her hand receiving a reluctant head nod from Blake.

"Oh my god I have been waiting to do this." She excitedly takes a deep breathe. "You are addicted to power and confidence. You married Frank because he was a police officer and to piss Wolfe off. I bet you always wanted to use the cuffs or ride along with him. Just to see him in action. Some where along the line you discovered you had the power over him so you used it and that is why you looked outside of you're marriage. You think you love Doris because she has probably never backed down from a challenge. She has the money and power to make just about anything happen and she knows it. It's exciting and at the same time you hate it. I'm guessing you had an unpredictable childhood. Maybe moved a lot or a lot of 'uncles'."

"That's is not true." Blake takes a nervous sip of her wine. "I am not attracted to power."

"Yes you are. I think the only reason you even run after Doris so much is because she acts the way she does, like she doesn't want you. And she knows it."

"Do me." I don't know why I said that but I want to here if anything has changed since our first meeting. I like to think I'm more stable.

"Don't tempt me." Lindsey winks.

"I'm serious, Lindsey."

"This whole thing is not about Candy. It's about Doris Wolfe being in the same hotel room as your future wife. You are insecure, because of the years of abuse that you pretend you are over but you aren't. And probably never will. You pretend that your marriage never happened and that you're this confident woman walking around with the hottest woman in town. The woman that has killed for you and you're still worried she'll leave one day and find another to kill for. You're mad because Olivia won't fess up to sleeping with Doris. In you're mind you're thinking that maybe something is still there. Why else would they be so close after all these years. She had a piece of Olivia that you will never have. Before all the shit hit the fan in her life Doris was there. And you will never be able to see that part of Olivia. The parts of her that isn't scared to be held down or tied up. The parts that is not scared to relapse or that might relapse because of an argument or a fight you two have and who will she run to, Wolfe. She'll go there one day and get drunk and fuck Doris till she can't walk and there is nothing you can do about it. You're wondering if they slept together while you were gone and are laughing behind your back right now."

"That enough." I don't want to hear anymore.

"You like the power in the bedroom but you're sacred wondering if it will be too much for Olivia to handle. Or what if Rodney comes back and the three of them ride off into the sunset. Or maybe Olivia will want out when Rafe becomes a problem."

"He won't."

"You and I both know Rafe is a ticking time bomb."

"No, he isn't. We talk to him all the time about his anger and how to control it."

"But he can't and that worries you. He'll grow up to be like Nicholas and what will Olivia want with a twist teenager, when she could be with Doris and Rodney snorting cocaine and sleeping with everything that walks."

"I said that's enough!" I slap my palm on the table because rattling the place settings. The restaurant becomes quiet as people try not to stare at us.

But she might be right. Even though I pretend, I can't get over the fact that things are not perfect and they never will be. It could all come crumbling down if Olivia ever decided.

"Here's the kicker Natalia. It will be destroyed if you react like this every time you here about some other woman or past endeavors. She might not have told you the whole story and I know that hurts you but you haven't exactly pushed. You take what you get and pretend to be happy. She's not perfect nor is she superwoman but she loves you and bet she'll do anything to keep you by her side or you wouldn't be in this situation."

I shake my head knowing she is right. "You know what Lindsey you can't keep a secret, there." No other words spoke I get up form the table stalking off.

I must be glutton for punishment. If I weren't I wouldn't have ask Lindsey to analyze me. If I weren't I wouldn't have slipped past the officer downstairs. If I weren't I wouldn't be headed up to see Olivia and get the truth. If I weren't I would be happy with knowing just enough.

But I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to live with my head in the sand. I want to know the truth even if it hurts. Even if it means the end of us. If she loves Doris more than me Johnny was right I should step aside. Olivia has done more for me than anyone. I can't repay with anything but love and maybe that's not enough.

Maybe my love for Olivia can't match the love she has for Doris.

Before the door even open I can hear the music and the screeching of someone.

I step off the elevator taking in the sight before me. Jessie is playing tennis racket guitar, while Johnny is air drumming and Doris is singing in Olivia's face.

"Natalia!" Olivia jumps off the couch looking guilty.

I came here or a reason. I have to keep the steam going or I won't be able to ask the question, I'll buckle. "Bedroom." I shout above the music just a little ticked that they are partying when we just had a fight.

"Someone is in trouble." Johnny sings.

I shot him a cold stare that makes him sober a little. This is partly his fault for suggesting Olivia and Doris anyway.

I shut the door behind us.

"Natalia-"

"No, let me speak." I take a deep breathe. This could be the end or the real beginning. Either way something has to give. "Olivia I love you. I love everything about you, I think I always have but I can't live like this. I can't keep hearing things because you won't tell me and I can't not trust you around you're best friend because you won't tell the truth. So I'm asking you one last time to tell me the truth or you can take your ring back." I pull the diamond ring of my finger holding it up.

"Wait what."

"I've tried, I've tried to wait for you to open up, but it's been a good part of three years and you're stilling lying about things, things that aren't important to me."

She drops onto the bed with a look of shock.

"If you truly trust me then you need to fill me in right now or this will all be for nothing."

"You're doing this now. That's not fair Natalia."

"Fine." I walk to the door. Before I know it her body is pressed against mine, taking me back to our first sexual encounter. We stand that way what felt like hours. I can feel her heart beating on my back.

"I looked everywhere for you." She whispers in my ear. Even the tension of the moment doesn't stop my body from shivering with arousal.

"I know."

"No you don't. I wanted you so bad and you weren't there. So I quit, I quit on life. Went back to the way things were; parties, drugs, women, just everything." She drops her head onto my shoulder. "One night it was too much and I just wanted the pain to end. Some of my college friends came down and we partied and I…I overdosed."

Forcefully I try to push away from the door, but Olivia stands her ground.

"I can't do this if you're looking at me."

"You did it because of me?"

"No, it was everything, my life, it just became too much at that time. I just wanted…I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. They didn't know if I would make it, but I did. After that I decided to get clean. I start exercising and everything just started to make more sense. I start going to group therapy for the drugs and found out people lives are messed up. Mine was no different and certainly none the worse. From then on I focused on being who I wanted to be instead of just floating along. Then I found you. And I don't want to lose you." She peppers my shoulder with butterfly kisses.

"Why did you lie?"

"Because I know how you feel about my relationship with Doris, but she's my best friend. I need that."

"I wouldn't ask you to choose." Not that I haven't thought about it. The urge to ask now is at a peak. It just wouldn't be fair.

"I know."

"Don't lie to me."

"I won't."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes," My heart stops like an obedient dog following a command "but not like I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I just want to be with you and only you. You're my reason, remember."

"I need to know these things."

"I can't tell you everything right now but I can promise to let you in. I promise I'll share more with you. It's just really hard I don't want you to look at me like everyone else does."

I twist around facing my soon to be wife. Olivia hangs her head down refusing to look at me. "I won't. That's part of being in a relationship; we trust each other, with our thoughts, heart, feelings, and body. I trust you. Can you trust me?" I tilt her chin up with my fingers, tracing the smooth line of her jaw.

Her eye water threatening to let her tears fall. She nods her head, squeezing tighter around my mid-section.

"Olivia?"

"I trust you. I do."

"That means more to me than anything you could ever tell me about your past." I place a kiss on her soft lips. "You mean more."

**DORIS**

"What do you think they're talking about?"

"How am I supposed to know?" I snap at Johnny. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that." I look inside at the closed door for the thousandth time. They've been in there for sometime. Wonder what little bug Blake put in her ear this time.

"Nah. Its cool I'm used to people snapping at me. I just use up all that pent up frustration, that's why I'm the hands."

"The hands what does that even mean?"

"You know the hands, I'm that one that jacked homie up." He leans in closer to me. "Buddy was still hollering and screaming in the car. So I said 'yo shut the fuck up'. And he still was talking about how he's going to kill the kid and blah blah blah. I told James 'stop the car'. I pull that bitch out and gave it to him, right there on the side of the road. When I got finished he was crying like a real bitch. I mean he pissed his self and everything. By the time Jessie shot him he was begging to suck my dick just to let him live. It was no big deal or anything." Johnny laughs like the truly sadistic person he was taught to be. "What I can't understand is how you got us. No one and mean no one messed with us anywhere then all of a sudden bam I get hit with charges. I told pops, let me take you out. Get this," He slaps my shoulder like I'm not already looking at him. "He says I already got someone on it. And we still end up in court."

"What's your point?" I ask him looking at the door again.

"My point is one how you lived and two where do you get the balls to do the things you do? These people," He swipes his hand on the balcony. "They might not know or want to know all the things you have your hand dipped in but I know. If one thing goes wrong you could be in a lot of trouble and head will roll. Someone could take you out one of these days."

"I know that. I also know your father tried to have me killed but his mistake and everyone else's mistake are the same. They always find people I already know. Sherman the guy he sent. My father prosecuted his father. People forget that I know a lot of people above ground and under it. I'm not scared to die but I also know when its time to throw in the cards." Johnny looks at me confused. "Do you know how many people want me dead; for money, power, or politics?"

He shakes his head.

"Fear has never been part of my personality. I'm not scared of anyone or anything. Not life or death. The things I do are well calculated. What I do is not different from what the normal person does when they take a chance and cheat on their taxes or take an extra newspaper out of the box. Life is a card house, every card has the potential to be the last, I just look at it like this. Nothing was ever gained by playing it safe. If it blows up in your face just make sure you have no one to blame but yourself."

"So when this empire that you've built come crumbling down?" He lifts his eyebrows at me in amusement.

There's nothing amusing about my life, what I do or who I am. "All I can say is I had a good run." I sit back sipping flat coke.

"That's cool I guess. Still doesn't answer my question."

"When it all said and done we die. Heaven and hell are for the birds, I refuse to drink from that watering hole." I sit back waiting for the sun to disappear behind incoming clouds.

"You talk a good game. This whole afraid of nothing is hilarious." He actually giggles. What kind of hit man giggles? I bet if something were to happen to Olivia you wouldn't look so brave."  
I turn to him, staring a hole through his forehead. He audibly shallows. "Listen to me Johnny. Firstly Olivia is very capable of protecting herself when she's sober and if anything did happen to her you better believe that person won't live to see the outcome. Just ask David Weller."

He sits back in his chair shaking his head casting a side ways glance at me every few seconds. "You are one wild woman."

The door to the room finally opens. I turn around; just a little to see what's going on.

Olivia walks Natalia to the elevator. The whisper a few words before kissing and then she's gone.

I wait for Olivia to make her way to the open balcony door.

"You okay?" I ask taking her hand in mine.

"Actually I am. I feel a lot better."

"Wedding still on?"

"If we're not in prison by then."

**Trail Part 27**

**Natalia**

"Ms. Rivera, correct?"

"Yes." Natalia shifted uncomfortably in the chair. It was the hot seat and she hated being the center of attention especially to people she didn't know. And those people where going to decide her fate, more of Olivia's but she wouldn't let Olivia go down alone. If she had to she would play her cards.

"Your getting married isn't that right?"

"Yes ma'am. Olivia and I are getting married."

"Let's go ahead and start. How long were you and Nicholas Autoro married?"

"We were married for 13 years."

"Young weren't you?"

"We were 17 when we married at the court house." Natalia tore a Kleenex.

"Not the ideal wedding is it?"

"No, it wasn't but we all thought it was necessary for the good of the child."

"Which you lost is that correct?"

Natalia cringed she hated to think about the child. "Yes, I had a miscarriage."

"Why don't you tell us about that day?"

Natalia look at Doris for help but the defense attorney sat back in chair pen poised and ready to take notes.

"We had rented a small apartment a few blocks away from my parents. Nicky had gotten an after school job a factory but we both still went to school during the day. After we got home from school, he started to drink. I told him they were going to fire him if he showed up to work drunk. We start to argue and he accused me of sleeping with one of his friends. He had always thought I had cheated on him. But I always ignored it. We argue most of the day…I don't know, I was tired of him always accusing me of something I didn't do. I told him a hundred times I hadn't done anything with anyone but him. He was screaming at me, calling me name…I slapped him."

"So you started it."

"No I was just frustrated and he was screaming in my face."

"But you hit him first, that is what you just said."

"Yes."

"What happened after you slapped him?"

"He pushed me against a wall and punched me." Natalia wiped the stray tears that dared to leak down her face. "I lost the baby later at the hospital."

"And you stayed with him after."

"No I moved back home. There was only a month left of school and we both graduated. I decide to attend college. He asked me to come back that he wouldn't do it again but didn't believe him."

"And?"

"I went to college for 2 months before moving back home."

"Isn't it correct you moved back home because you allegedly had an affair with you roommate."

"Nothing happened. She was drunk one night and kissed me. She told her boyfriend that I kissed her and he told Nicky who told my parents and we all thought it would be better if I came back home. I decided to give Nicky another chance. At first it was what I had always hoped. He was nice, thoughtful, and he wasn't drinking much. His dad got him a job at the police station."

"What changed?"

"After a year or so he started to drink again. We started to fight. I found out he was cheating on me with a woman from work and I confronted him. He hit me again. He told me he would kill me if I tired to leave. That's when the abuse started. We fought everyday. For a time I fought back but that only made things worse, so I stopped. He accused me of killing his son; I thought he wanted children so I tried for Rafe. But Nicky refused to accept Rafe was his, the whole pregnancy. I thought having a son would make things better but they got worse. He screamed at Rafe when he cried, I tried to protect Rafe the best I could but I couldn't. Nicky had it out for him exploding at every little thing. When Rafe turned three we had a birthday party for him. Nicky showed up drunk and threw everyone out. He tore up the house yelling and screaming and Rafe was so small and scared." Natalia hiccupped, fisting her hands. "I tried to calm him down but he hit me. I told Rafe to stay in his room but he didn't listen. He saw Nicky hit me and started to cry. Nicky hit him so ha…hard. He slapped him across the face. I thought he had kil…killed him. He wasn't moving…I tired so hard to protect him but I couldn't." Natalia shrunk in the wooden chair remembering the night as vivid as yesterday. The instant bruise on Rafe cheek that formed around the small cut still made her chest hurt. "I took Rafe that night and ran. I left with the clothes on my back."

"Where did you go?"

"I tired to go home but my father told me he would go talk to Nicky and everything would be alright, but I knew Nicky would come and try to make me come home so I left. My mother gave me some money and I took a bus ride to Missouri. We stayed in a small town for about two weeks before Nicky showed up."

"And you went back with him?"

"Yes, I didn't know what else to do. But I left Rafe with my parents I didn't want him hurt again."

"Everyone went along with it."

"Yes my parents said they would keep Rafe until everything settled down. I tried to bring Rafe home but Nicky would target him so I left him with my parents."

"How many times did you run?"

"Three."

"You only tried to leave three times?"

"Yes the second time I left, I left Rafe. I thought maybe he would be safe with my parents, but Nicky took him from my parents so I went back. The last time was a few months before we moved here. I took Rafe with me, but Nicky found us again."

"So you move here to start over together without your son and what just decide to start an affair with Olivia Spencer."

"No it wasn't like that."

"So tell us how one day out of the blue you become a lesbian and happen to get involved with one of the richest women in this town."

"I had feelings before. Like I said my roommate kissed me but I didn't exactly crucify her for it. I just let it go as an experiment just being excited about something new. But when I met Olivia I…" Natalia struggled to find the word. "I just felt a pull. I tried to resist it. I swear I did. I couldn't and life at home wasn't any better. I knew Nicky was cheating and I just thought for once in my life I should do something besides be his punching bag or sit at home preparing myself for a beating."

Mrs. Rincon rolled her eyes before stepping back to her table. "So you started to see Olivia Spencer?"

"Yes we started a relationship."  
"Did she know you were married?"

"Yes I told her I was married but I told her I wasn't happy."

"Why?"

"She asked."

"She asked if you were happy?"

"Yes."

"And how long did this relationship last?"

"The whole summer into October."

"I think everyone has heard your testimony about that night from the first trial. What I want to know is about the day you're husband was killed. Tell us about your day."

"I went to work for a couple of hour. I left Rafe and Emma with the babysitter. I came back and Olivia was already there. She asked me to come home. I didn't know Nicholas had escaped but she told me. We were talking in my bedroom when we saw the news about Nicholas."

"Ms. Rivera I'm having a hard time believing you. You're telling me that you hadn't seen the breaking news about your tormentors' escape." Mrs. Rincon's high heel tapped loudly in the quiet room.

"I didn't know about it until Olivia told me."

"So you never saw him that whole day and you never saw the three defendants take him away."

Natalia tried to act natural, lying was not out of her range."No I never saw them before and I didn't see Nicholas."

"You know what I think Ms. Rivera. I think you were the one who started the fights. You struck first maybe not all the time but I think you initiated the argument and fights. I think you got tired of your husband cheating on you so you decided to get revenge. You start a relationship with a not only rich but unstable woman who would clearly do anything for a thrill. I think when you saw it all crumbling you ran. And Nicholas escaped and found you but you were quick, you had a plan. That plan was Olivia Spencer. Didn't you called her to round up some of her friends to finish the job. You had them kill your husband and dump his body. I think you knew what would happen the minute you began the affair with Olivia and I think planned this whole thing." Prosecutor Rincon walked to the jury gallery speaking to them. "There are thousands of shelters for woman in your situation but you never once went to one or asked for help you took matters into your own hands. For years you resented Nicholas; for the baby, college, and your life not being how you wanted it. Isn't that right?" The attorney turned to Natalia with a stone cold glare.

"I can tell from the look in your eyes your never been stuck somewhere; a house you hate, in a marriage with no love or with someone who was never happy. Because if you did you would know what it feels like to feel worthless, to think that it's you; if you hadn't burned the chicken or if the eggs weren't too runny. That maybe just maybe if you were perfect, blond, younger; he wouldn't be so mean, he wouldn't yell or hit you. You don't know how it feels to be stuck in that situation for years, until there is nothing else; until you find yourself just waiting for the next blow wishing and hoping it puts you out of your misery. You don't know that feeling, you don't know that feeling because if you did you wouldn't judge me the way you do. You would know how it felt to be despised your whole marriage until this amazing, beautiful woman comes along and changes that."

Natalia cried wiping furiously at the tears. The jury spied Olivia's tense position before turning back to Natalia. The women leaned forward while the men sat back, each listening to her words feeling the emotion of the past torments play across the screen that was Natalia's features.

"You would know how it feels to think every morning why this woman wants you when she could have anyone but she wants you. You would wonder why she would even give you a second look. Or how your son loves her and how his whole life he's been rejected until she came along. You would know how every morning you wake up and say you won't go back because someone will get hurt. But every night you end up in her arms feeling human, loved. If you had ever been in my position you would know how it feels and you wouldn't look at me like that. You wouldn't." Natalia sat back with a defiant air telling the lawyer with her eyes she was finish answering her questions.

Doris sat back admiring the hole the other attorney was digging. She had to say no one had ever made a case for her quite like the other woman.

"No further questions"

Olivia watch as Natalia exited the stand having just exposed her soul for everyone to see. She was strong. Natalia deserved the truth about her past. She could never bring herself to say the words when it was just them.

"Well if there are no more witnesses how about we adjourn for today and start closing argument tomorrow."

"Your honor if you could give the state one more week."

"No Mrs. Rincon if your witness has not showed up yet then so be it."

"If I can have one more day."

"You have till tomorrow, then the defense will present."

Olivia jumped out of her chair. "I want to testify."

"No she doesn't." Doris stood up calmly trying to push Olivia back down.

"You'll get your chance Ms Spencer." Judge Allen banged his gavel exiting the bench. "We'll all reconvene tomorrow."

**TRIAL 29**

**Mrs. Thrash Trail**

Prosecutor Rincon composed herself knowing she had hurt her case with Rafe and Natalia's testimony. She had lost it for a second knowing the five sitting at the defense were getting away with murder but she had finally tracked down her start witness.

"Mrs. Thrash you lived next doors to Ms. Rivera and her children?"

"Yes I did. Once or twice I watched the children before the babysitter showed up."

"Did you notice anything strange about Ms. Rivera?"

"Not much, she seemed jumpy at church service. Sometimes she looked over her back a lot. Beside that nothing was wrong with the child." The 79 year old clutched her purse tighter looking at the men at the defense table.

"Do you remember ever seeing any of the defendants?"

Mrs. Thrash pulling her glasses onto her face. "Oh yes, I remember them." She let the glasses go letting them hang around her neck.

"Can you tell the court where you have seen them?"

"When I saw them there were six of them, another man was there. But I saw the women first and then the men showed up and drag another man out of the house. I watched them from my bedroom window?"

"Why didn't you call the police?"

"I was about to when the men showed up. They had a badge on the side of their truck. I thought they were the authorities."

"Is this the man you saw them drag out of the house?" Ms. Rincon handed the old woman a picture of Nicholas.

"Yes I'm sure. That's him. He was kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow."

"And you are sure you saw all of them including Nicholas Autoro."

"Yes, positive."

"No further questions?" Ms. Rincon sat in her seat smiling at the old woman. Nothing was better than an elderly eye witness. People saw their Grandmother and just knew she wouldn't lie. She was a god fearing woman.

Doris stood from her chair debating on how to take the woman down. She was betting on her being racist and homophobic. The blind part was jus the icing on the cake. "Mrs. Thrash have you lived in Illinois you're whole life?"

"No, me and my husband lived in Mississippi for almost 40 years. We moved there about 15 years ago when he started to help the convent a few miles down the road. They run a few non-profit organizations; unwed mothers and such."

"15 years is a long time. Tell me, what are some of your neighbors' names?"

Mrs. Thrash hesitated.

"Do you know any of their names?"

"No. So many people move in and out of the houses." The old woman wave the Mayor off.

"Well, the Halls have lived in the house to the left of for almost 7 years now. Did you know that? As a matter of fact they go to church with you."

"What's your point?" The older woman's voice dropped dangerously low, no longer the voice of a sweet and innocent grandmother.

"My point…not much except you seemed to have taken an interest in Ms. Rivera and not in you other neighbors. Is it because they are a gay couple?"

The courtroom watched as the witness cringed. "What they do in the privacy in their own home is their business."

"What about you sons'?" Doris walked to the jurors gallery. "You haven't spoken to him in almost 30 years since he told you he was gay, is that correct?"

"I don't approve of the life style; no I haven't spoken to him."

"Well tell us your beliefs."

"Objection your honor! Mrs. Thrash's beliefs are not on trial."

"Goes directly towards the witness bias." Doris retorted.

"I'll allow it." The judge turned to the witness. "You may answer."

"I don't think those people should have children. They spread their sickness."

"So you don't think Ms. Rivera should be allowed to have children with Ms. Spencer?"

"No, especially a little girl, she'll be confused. How is she supposed to know right from wrong if her mother is in an unholy relationship with that woman? You people run around spreading diseases, having sex out of wed lock and think you're going to heaven, Hmph." The old woman held her chin high looking down on the courtroom.

"Fair enough. Mrs. Thrash I saw earlier you had to put your glasses on to see us at the table." Doris walked back to the defense table. "Can you see me?"

"Yes, I'm not blind." Mrs. Thrash angry replied.

"Without your glasses, how many fingers am I holding up?" Doris picked up a pen holding it up in her fist.

Mrs. Thrash squinted trying to clear her sight enough.

"What color is Ms. Spencer's shirt?"

"Black."

"Forest green. Isn't it true you hate to wear your glasses?"

"They make my nose itch but I wear them when I need to."

"Were you wearing them when you allegedly saw Nicholas Autoro being dragged out?"

"Yes, I always keep them around my neck just in case." Mrs. Thrash patted her glasses that lay on her chest.

"So tell me Mrs. Thrash with you're glasses describe Officer Chadwick to the court."

Chadwick stood tall, his whole 5'4 height at the doors of the court room.

The old woman slowly put her glasses back on her face. "Well, he is short. Black hair…green shirt…black pants…"

"No ma'am. Officer Chadwick is wearing navy blue with light brown hair." Doris walked back to the front of the room. "Tell me Mrs. Thrash. How many people are sitting on the right side of the court room?"

"Objection!"

"Overruled, answer the question." The judge leaned over his bench watching the elderly woman squint.

"I don't know."

"Isn't it true you don't know who you seen entering Ms. Rivera's house that day because of your sight. You think you saw four men but it could have been two?"

"No! I know I saw four men." Mrs. Thrash pointed at the three brothers. "Them."

"The SUV you saw could have been green or blue?"

"No it was black." Mrs. Thrash countered."I might have not have had my glasses on-"

"You just said you were wearing them, which one is it?"

"I had them on I know I did but even if I didn't I saw all of you leaving that place with her husband kicking and screaming."

"Are you a hundred percent positive you saw a badge on the side of the SUV you saw?"

"Yes, one hundred percent." Mrs. Trash nodded her head, that she was confident she saw.

"Are you sure it was this symbol." Doris walked back to the table picking up the emblem of the Wilkins construction symbol. It was a diamond with crane lifting a hammer. She handed the picture to the witness.

"Oh no. It was a badge, I'm sure." Mrs. Trash handed the picture back, once again the woman replaced her glasses still refuse to concede.

"Let it be noted that only one black SVU is registered to my three co-defends with this emblem on the right side, not a badge."

"I know I saw all of you there with that poor man being dragged to his death." Mrs. Trash looked at the jury as she spoke.

"No further questions."

**TRAIL PART 30**

**OLIVIA**

"Ms. Spencer do you remember the test the courts had you and your co defendants take?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what those test were for?"

"To measure our I.Q., just to make sure none of us plead mental capacity as a defense."

"Correct." Prosecutor Rincon picked up a two pieces of paper off her table handing one to the jury and the other to Olivia. "Tell me what that says."

Olivia read the finding on the paper. "They're our I.Q. scores."

"Tell me what they say."

"Johnny has an I.Q. of 115; Jessie, 106; John, 125; Doris, 122; me, 160. So what, we score well on a bias test."

Doris's jaw dropped at the results. She hadn't bothered to read them knowing they were all more that of sound mind. What she hadn't expected was for a mute to beat her.

"160! That more than just good, you are highly above average. You're in the genius range. In fact your score was lower than in past years, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Tell the court your highest score." The prosecutor walked to the jurors as they wowed of the score.

"175."

"I had the jury take the same test and the highest score was 115."

Olivia had to bit her tongue form retorting. _So they're dumber than us._

"As a matter of fact you graduated school early and went to college early."

"Yes I entered college at the age of 17."

"And how old were you when you were raped?"

"19." Olivia stilled herself for the questions that were coming.

"And you had been drinking?"

"Yes."

"A little young weren't you?"

"I was old enough. The National Minimum Drinking Age Act with passed by then but it was mostly aimed at purchase and possession in public."

"What about your upbringing? You were taken in by the system at 13. Father died of a heart attack induced by alcohol consumption and your mother disappeared."

"Yes."

"It must have been hard living in an abusive family."

"I was never abused. Yes my mother was distant and very religious but my father never struck me or my brother. He didn't yell or curse he just drank."

"And that became a problem for you later on did it not?"

"Yes I did over do it sometimes." Olivia folded her hands in her lap.

"And your brother. You supposedly took care of him, but your mother returned and took him away because you were strung out on drugs."

"She did come back. When turned 18 and legally tried to adopt him she found out and came back. From then until he was18 he jumped back and forth between us when he could find her."

"Were you addicted to drugs and alcohol then?"

"No, I don't believe I was. I was clean most of my junior year. I did use recreational drug my senior year but it wasn't until after graduation."

"What happened that you became an addict after graduation?"

"Objection!"

"Sustained. Counselor, get to the point."

"Sorry your honor." The prosecutor stepped back into the middle of the floor. "After you were sexually assaulted you took it upon your self to learn how to defend your self. You stated that much at Nicholas's trial. Tell the court what you did."

"I took multiple self defense classes. I study martial arts of any type I could find classes."

"You also learned how to shot a gun."

"Yes."

"So by the age of 21 you were a millionaire. By the age of 25 you had multiple prosperous businesses and investments. All this with an I.Q. of 160 and defense skills. Suffice to say you had it made. You never were convicted of felony drug charges because your best friend, Mayor Wolfe, then assistant attorney, worked for the state. You never ran out of drugs because your other best friends was a drug dealer, but you needed something else; something that would put the icing on the cake for you. And that something was Ms. Rivera. But you couldn't have her. So you seduced Ms. Rivera into falling in love with you and when her husband found out you shot him!"

"Objection!" Doris could see Olivia was quickly losing her calm.

Olivia answered the question anyway. "It was in self defense. He pointed the gun at me and I defended my self. The gun went off striking both of us."

"A person like couldn't let that go, could you?"

"He couldn't let it go. He escaped from police custody and came after me."

The prosecutor stepped quickly towards Olivia. "And the next time you had Ms. Rivera shoot him?"

"Like the first time he pointed the gun at us first. We acted in self defense."

"So when Ms. Rivera left, how did that make you feel? Here you are with a sling around your neck and she runs off not even bothering to call to make sure you were okay. Did you go looking for her?"

"Yes."

"You even hired a private detective."

"Through a mutual friend I got in touch with a private detective."

"Ah, yes. Mr. Bailey Dales, who is currently serving 6 months, jail time for a gun violation." The prosecutor walked back and forth from Olivia to the jury gallery. "You are a drug addict."

"I'm clean." Olivia kept her cool.

"Were you clean the day you killed Mr. Autoro?"

"I didn't kill him and yes I was clean the day he died."

"You say you didn't kill Mr. Autoro, who so you think did it?"

"I took the news report at face value. They said someone from a gang remembered him as a police officer. He had a temper."

"So do you."

"My mind had been altered by drugs. I normally don't act in such a way." Olivia sat back in her chair trying not to look too nonchalant.

"The drugs altered your mind. We have heard some of your former employee testify to your temper of throwing things and threatening people. Did you do that often?"

"I don't think so. I honestly thought I was a happy person while I was high. Like I said the drugs altered my mind. I have apologized to my current and former employees about my behavior."

Mrs. Rincon walked a few steps nodding her head at Olivia's statement. "Tell the court did you know Ms. Rivera and Mr. Autoro were still having sexual relation?"

"No I didn't."

"So a smart woman like you never suspected a married couple were having martial relations?"  
"Natalia said she wasn't."

"But she lied to you. Like she did her husband?" The prosecutor rattled off the question fast.

Olivia knew every tactic in the book. She knew the woman was trying to catch her in a lie by asking question fast hoping she would answer fast not thinking. Olivia was smarter that to get in a speed conversation. She slowly answered the question. "It was once."

"How do you know?"

"She said so."

"And you believed her?"

"Yes."

"You believed everything she said?"

"She had given me no reason not to."

"So if she told you Nicholas was abusing her you would have believed her?"

"Yes but she-"

The attorney interrupted the answer. "You wanted her to yourself so bad that if she said her life was in danger you would have believed her? No only would you have believed her you would have done anything to protect her? Even if it meant killing her husband."

"If it meant Natalia and her children would be happy I would kill him every day of his sorry life even if it meant me spending the rest of my life behind bars. He was a pathetic excuse for a man and even worse a person." Olivia made no attempt to keep the disdain out of her voice. She never would. What Nicholas did was unforgiveable. She would soon be back in a room with her attacker then let Nicholas anywhere near her family. "But I did not kill him."

**TRAIL PART 31**

"I see here the defense has on more witness." Judge Allen glanced over the thick black rims of his glasses.

"Objection your honor the prosecution was not aware of another witness."

"Yes I was just made are of the witness myself yesterday, but the court will allow it. Special circumstance had been made for this witness." The judge scribbled the answer to his daily crossword. "Defense."

"The defense calls Frank Cooper."

The courtroom went deadly silent as Frank Cooper was escorted in the courtroom by two Federal Officers in handcuffs and shackles.

Not one mouth stayed closed as they witnessed the former golden boy being led to the witness stand.

After the initial shock of seeing her former husband Blake looked away from the scene refusing to meet his still puppy eyes.

After being handcuffed to the stand and sworn in, Frank sat stooped under the judgmental gaze of the courtroom attendees.

Doris stood tall triumphant from the table. She took a quick glance at Blake before approaching the witness stand. "Mr. Copper tell the court your relationship to everyone you feel involved in these court proceedings."

Frank sat upright glaring at the over confident woman. He hated the smile she was wearing the one she wore every time he saw her. It was the one that said 'I'm fucking your wife and there is nothing you can do about it.'

"Nicholas Autoro was my partner on the force for the summer of 2009. Natalia Rivera was his wife then. Olivia Spencer is friends with you and my wife Blake Mahler. She also was having an affair with Natalia. Those three," Frank pointed at the brothers. "The Walton brothers, I arrested them the winter of 2008. You were the prosecuting attorney…and you were sleeping with my wife."

Doris smiled despite trying not to break her professional demeanor. "Yes the court has already been made aware of that fact." Doris took a step back staring Frank down. "Tell the court why you are in the custody of the Federal government."

"You had me convicted of conspiracy, adding and abiding a fugitive, kidnapping and obstruction of justice." Frank spat out.

"Mr. Cooper I assure you I had nothing to do with your convictions." Doris held her hand up. "What is more important is why."  
"I helped Nicholas escape custody."

"Not just once, was it?"

"It was twice."

"Elaborate for the sake of clarification."

Frank gritted his teeth. "When Nicholas was first arrested at the hospital, I let him leave for an hour of two to get things ready for the upcoming trail. He was supposed to be in my custody but I let him leave without permission from the higher ups."

"And the second time?" Doris stepped back to the defense table waiting for Frank to answer.

Frank too a deep breathe through his nose. "I supplied Nicholas with a car and a gun when he escaped from prison. But I didn't know what he was planning." Frank quickly said the last part to cover himself.

"What exactly did he tell you?"

"At the hospital he said he was going to talk to his lawyer because his father was refusing to help him."

"And later did you find out what he was really doing?"

"He was plotting to kidnap his son, Raphael Rivera." Frank sat back as far as his handcuffs would allow.

"Mr. Copper you were present at your partner's trail?"

"No, I was under investigation and you sent your thugs after me. All because you couldn't have my slut of a wife."

"Objection." Doris said refusing to acknowledge the ex-cop's angry glare.

"The jury will disregard the witness's last statement." Judge Allen addressed Frank. "You will refrain from spreading unfounded allegations.

Olivia saw the change in Doris frame. Frank had obviously struck a cord that had him teetering on the edge of a hurting. She wanted to say something before Doris lost her composure, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. If it were her she would react the same way to protect Blake.

Blake sat straight in her seat. Her fingers nervously played with the hem of her shirt. She wasn't heartless, cheating of Frank was not something she was proud of in her life. He had deserved better. He also begged her to stay when she told him of her past with Doris and her inability to say no to the woman. Still she felt bad for the way Frank's life had turned out.

"So you were on the run. Isn't it true you struck your wife, Blake Mahler, minutes before the shooting at the Riviera household on Spaulding Street?" Doris walked up to the stand turning her back to the jury.

"Yes, but she made" Frank sat up pointing at Blake

"She made you, is that what you were going to say?" Doris's voice dropped an octave as fair warning to the man.

"No."

"What did I tell you that night at the hospital?" Doris said loud enough for the whole court to hear.

It was clear to Frank she had forgotten the rest of the people in the room. They were in their own conversation. He might have been a harden criminal but the woman standing in front of him still scared him. He worked with her for year, he new all of the underhanded things she was involved in and the things she could have done for was something he didn't exactly want to be on the receiving end of. Her eye had turned an unnatural dark shade of brown.

"You said that if I ever touched her again you would kill me."

The room exploded in gasp and murmurs.

"Objection your honor! The defense is intimidating the witness!" The prosecutor jumped up from her seat at the words.

Doris leaned over the stand as the commotion continued. "Did you think I was joking with you Frank? I stay true to my promises."

Frank leaned back as Judge Allen banged his gavel. "Order!" The court room fell silent again.

"Withdrawn." Doris walked back the defense table raising her hand in apologizes. "Mr. Cooper after you left town where did you go?"

"Nicholas told me that if I monitored Natalia his father would get me a job in the Chicago police department. After I heard about the investigation I called him and he set me up with a job in Nebraska at a county jail."

"So you were the one who called Nicholas Autoro Jr. to come home to catch Olivia Spencer in his house?"

"Yes. I was just helping out a friend."

"A friend. I see…Tell the court about your involvement with Nicholas's escape from prison."

Frank sighed looking at the two officers who had accompanied him. The looked bored and angry at the same time. He knew they didn't like him and were waiting for the chance to hurt him. He looked at Blake who still had yet to meet his eyes. As always Olivia sat too confident in her own little self centered space. "He called me a couple times saying Natalia wouldn't speak to him or bring his son to visit. I felt bad for him. He asked me to bring his a car and a gun. I left him car and gun on the side of the highway about a mile from the prison."

"Did he say anything else?"

"He said something about stopping to see his father some about money or something. I thought he was trying to get some to skip town."

"So Nicholas never said he was going to see his wife and children? Did he indicate he knew where they were hiding?"

"If he knew he never said anything to me. I really didn't ask because I didn't care. I told him this was the last thing I was going to do for him." Frank said as he watched a smug smile appear across the attorney's lips.

"You said you were his friend earlier. He had a funny way of treating his friends wouldn't you say? He ruined your life."

Frank sat silently; everyone could see his shoulders tense even more.

"Before Nicholas came to town you had it all; a wife, a house, car and a great career in law enforcement but you lost it all in one summer. How was he your friend? How did you let something like this happen?" Doris silently mocked Frank as she always had in their competition vying for Blake's attention.

"You did it. You made me lose my job, wife-"

Doris interrupted his rant that she had heard a million time before. "Your freedom? You did that Frank. You and Nicholas. You were so worried about being a friend to Nicholas you lost sight of what was happening."

Frank sat his shoulder back knowing he had been wrong. "I was on the run for something I didn't do. I didn't know he was planning to kidnap anyone."

"And that made you angry that he was still trying to play on your loyalty."

"I told him that I was through with helping him."

"Isn't it true you planned on turning yourself in to the authorities?"

Franks' voice rose as he tried to explain his actions. "I had to. I was tired of running. I had a job that barely paid my bills for the small trailer I was cooped in. I couldn't even get anything in my name."

"But you helped him anyway."

"Yes."

"What kind of gun did you give Nicholas?" Once again Doris walked to the middle of the courtroom blocking Frank's view of his ex-wife. She never liked Frank. She liked it even less that he had married Blake. The thought of him with her made her skin crawl and he knew it. He never let an opportunity to rub it in her face. They made each other's life hell when ever they could.

"It was a semi-automatic .45"

"Are you aware that Nicholas Autoro was killed with a semi-automatic .45."

Franks jaw dropped. He knew that had had their differences but to pin a murder on his was out of line. "Now wait a minute. I left the gun in the car on the side of the road. I didn't even see Nicholas when he escaped."

"Are you sure you didn't stay to confront Nicholas?"

"NO! I left it where I said."

"You waited and told Nicholas you were going to turn yourself in and rat him out."

"No, I left it."

"A struggle ensued."

"No!"

"You were fed up with the way you were being treated and you took your revenge and killed Nicholas Autoro Jr."

"No I did no such thing."

"Then you dumped his body in a crime ridden neighborhood to make it seem like a retaliation killing of a gang."

"No. I. Wouldn't. Kill. Anyone." Frank jaw clenched as he stared Doris down.

"You couldn't help it. He made you lose everything."

"NO!" Frank stood up yanking on his chains. The room fell silent as the people sank back and the officers stepped forward.

"Admit it Mr. Cooper that man ruined your life and you couldn't live with that!" Doris shouted at Blake's ex-husband.

"No you made me lose it!" Frank began to shout back. "If it weren't for you and Olivia fucking everyone's wife this would have never happened. You just couldn't keep your hand off of her. You don't even love her. I did." Frank froth at the mouth as he yelled at Doris who stood unaffected by the comments. "You don't love her, I did. We could have been something. We could have had children, but she was so caught up on you she spent her life waiting for you and for what for you to fuck all of your sectaries. Nicholas loved Natalia but Olivia could help but ruin that. That's all you two do is ruin people's lives. You don't care about anyone but yourself. Everyone knows what you do everyday but no one says anything. Well I'm not under you anymore, you can't push me around. Blake loved me not you. Not you."

"Order in the court." Judge Allen banged his gavel trying to calm Frank from his hysteria before the whole courtroom broke out in chatter of the deranged man. "Mr. Cooper!"

Frank sat back down as his escort made another move towards him. "Blake why can't you see she'll never love you the way I do. I did everything I could for you; all she ever did was stop by looking for someone to have sex with. Olivia is the same as you." Frank directed his attention to Olivia. "You just can't stand to lose, you don't love her, you don't know what love is. All you do is destroy things and move to the next. Both of you. You just couldn't let us be."

"Mr. Cooper! You will refrain from outburst before I hold you in contempt."

Frank sat back in his seat staring at the handcuffs that held his wrist. That was what his life had been reduced to; an hour out of his one man cell in handcuffs.

"No further questions your honor. The defense rest."

"Mrs. Rincon." Judge Allen said still staring at the broken man on the witness stand.

"Mr. Cooper did you kill Nicholas Autoro?"

"No, I didn't kill him."

"The prosecution rest."

"Closing statement tomorrow. Mr. Cooper you are dismissed."

**Waiting for the verdict**

I think the waiting is one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. Waiting to see if your life is virtually over, waiting for 12 people who don't really know me to decide my fate. I hate waiting, always have, and always will.

Its cold out here on the balcony but I can't stay in the room any longer. The cars buzz by like little ants. I wonder so they care if I go away or not, maybe if it just another one of those thing you see in the newspaper.

"Hey Olivia."

I try hard not to snap at Johnny, he means well but I want to be alone. "What?"

He comes and sits in one of the chairs. "I was just wondering. I mean I didn't want to say anything in the court room and all but…" He cocks his he to the side just like Rafe does, like their listening to the sky. "Okay it's like this, you're rich and everyone knows you. From what I heard you were like a player, right? And I'm just like if you got broads from this city and every town around…you could have sex with anyone…why would you throw it away. You know and get married." He scratches his head like his figuring out a mystery or a puzzle.

I just shrug my shoulders. Lately I've been wondering the same thing.

"Come on there has to be a reason you're giving it all up."

"I love her."

"And I love that girl from the news station but you don't see me proposing, especially if I could get something different every night."

I swear to god I'm about to break his fucking neck.

"Johnny, leave her alone." Jessie appears at the door, to my relief. "Just because you don't understand the concept of love."

"Sounds like the concept of being weak."

"What?" I almost choke on my own tongue. "Why the hell would you say that?'

"I'm just saying. To marry is to let someone else have control over part of you're life."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes is does. Face it Olivia, you put a ring on that finger, no offense but that's how women are. Bam, next day they become drill sergeants. Always complaining about your friends, drinking, work or sex."

No, that's not us, Natalia's not like that; she knows when to back off, when I need space, or when I just need to be near her. She won't change.

"Next thing you know you got kids running around and only one of them are yours. For god sakes Olivia you're already behind the curve." Johnny voice gets louder but the sound actually shrinks in my ear.

"Shut up Johnny!" Jessie slaps the back of his head pushing him back inside.

"I'm not weak." I say to myself more than anything, because I'm not. I'm not weak and I haven't been for a long time. I just need to hear it with my own two ears.

"Nah, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Jessie sits down staring out into the gray sky line.

I lean forward, closer to the rail. The closer it gets to the wedding the more I want to jump over, but I can't turn back now. Too many people are counting on me.

"You know I wasn't going to say anything but you did seem pretty distracted on the stand when she said give it all away."

"Yea she caught me off guard. It just seemed to make everything that much, I don't know, real."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I was engaged once."

"What happened?"

"I screwed it up, left her at the altar."

The look on his face makes my heart ache for him. A haunted look flashes across his face, he fights back the tears that gather in the corner of his dark eyes.

"You should have seen her. She was gorgeous, hazel eyes and long brown hair, a goddess in her own right." I listen to him describe her. "To this day I don't understand how an angel like that would fall for a person like me."

"I know what you mean. I wake up everyday thinking of the same thing." I wonder if he is reading my mind and making up a story to make me feel better.

"Yea. I knew I was going to find a way to fuck it up and I did. I let my insecurities get the best of me. I was so afraid that one day she would wake up and see her mistake, see me for what I was. I couldn't take that. I never wanted to see the pity or the loathing in her eyes directed at me, because she had a big heart. So I left her before she saw." Jessie wipes a stray tear. "I hurt her before she did it to me. And really I thought it was for the best before I dragged her down too, with the drugs and every thing."

The words he speak pains me, it too far close to the way I feel. I could very well bring Natalia down to what if she does realize one day who I am. But I don't think I could leave her or the kids.

Maybe it would be better if I left instead of bringing them down; it would be the unselfish thing to do. "Did it hurt less?"

"Hell no. I almost drank myself to death. I can still see the pain in her eyes when I saw her. I don't think I'll ever forget it." He takes a swig of his beer kicking his feet up into another chair.

"So damned if I do and damned if I don't."

"I didn't say that. I'm saying if you don't love her than leave; if you do, don't let that get away. Once in a blue moon they really love us and they see something we don't. Sometime it's okay to be stingy."

"Its just I know one day I am going to fuck up and bring her down and I am going to hate myself and she's going t hate me…I just love these things about her." I stand up from my chair trying to catch a single thought. "You know she believes in God, Jesus and all that good stuff?"

"Right."

"I do and I don't like that about her. She's so trusting. She thinks everyone has some good in them they just need god to bring it out. I laugh at some of the things she says." I sit back down suddenly tired of thinking all together. "She actually takes notes on what Ray says then passes it on to the women in her shelter. But I love that about her. She's concerned about other people welfare. She believes that whole love thy neighbor and heaven."

"Well she has to, to have been in the marriage she was she needed it to stay strong."

"But that's the thing. I want her to lean on me for strength but I know I'm not the strongest person and what if I mess up and kill that part of her."

"If he didn't-"

I cut him off. "How many times does a person have to be knocked down before they know not to get up?" I know she needed that in her life with Nicholas. "I worry sometimes that she thinks this was God's plan and if I fuck it up then what does she have. She'll be like me."

"A drug addict."

"An asshole that is so narcissistic that she believes god is out to get her."

"That's what you believe?"

"Most of the time." I say staring down at my feet. That asshole has been after me my whole life and I know for a fact he's put Natalia here to mess with me. At any moment he'll put the rug out and I'll be left back at square one.

"That interesting."

"Tell me you don't believe in that other crap." I turn to look at him in thought.

"No I don't' believe in the bible and all that but I do believe that there are things, spirits or gods out there that started all of this and there some where watching us." He cracks a smile at me. "Anyway if he's out to get you, you just have to be on your guard. Be prepared for every little thing that could happen. You know what Natalia wants in a wife so do everything you can to be that person and if it doesn't work then you tried."

I smack my hand over my forehead. "Holy smokes batman! I never thought about that!"

"Fine, be sarcastic."

"You heard Rafe on the stand, Natalia is five times worse. Everything she hears about my past she brushes it off like she doesn't believe me. They put me on this pedestal-"

"Oh cry me a river Spencer." He interrupts my rant. "You put her on one too."

"Me?" I point at myself. I don't put Natalia on a pedestal. I she her for who she is. She a human, I expect her to make mistakes.

"Do you even hear yourself when you talk about her! Its Natalia can do this or she can do that. Someone listening to you might think you worship the woman."

"So I think highly of her."

"And she thinks highly of you." He stands up looking down at me. "You and I are too much alike. So I know what you are thinking." He lays his hand on my shoulder. "Let me give you this advice, life is a gamble. Sometimes you win sometimes you lose, but what ever happens you have to keep rolling the dice, when the game is over the game is over."

"Hey, they're ready for us." Johnny sticks his head out of the door. "Lets get moving."

**NATALIA**

I sit in front of the mirror applying the last of my make up. I keep telling myself she will be here. There will not be another delay or a mistrial. I have prayed to every deity I have ever heard of to bring her home. I don't know what I'll do if she is convicted. I should have gone to the trail just to make sure, but no I had to listen to Olivia and my mother. It's not like they can start without us. I should have gone even for a few minutes.

_Knock Knock_

"Mami, I'm fine. Can you just give me a minute?" I yell to the door. In the last 10 minutes she has been in and out of the room like it's a revolving door.

"I thought I would check on you but if you insist."

I snap my head up so fast I feel a tingle in my neck. I stare at a pair of beautiful green eyes in the mirror. Hesitantly I turn around to make sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me. "Olivia?"

Don't cry, don't cry, I just put on my make up.

"No, no no, don't cry." She closes the door behind her hurrying over to me. I stand to touching her face just o make sure she is real.

"I told you I would make it, can't be late to my own wedding." She smiles that lovely smile I can't resist.

I try to keep the tears at bay but they come anyway, just at the thought of what we could have lost. A few minutes of clinging to my wife I stand back looking at her. I really take a good look at her and god she is beautiful.

I don't think it's settled in yet. She's home. We can go home. We're getting married today. Oh God.

"Natalia breathe for me, you're going to pass out."

I push the air out of my chest, feeling the burning of my lungs. "No I need you. I need to feel you."

"Okay, babe, okay."

It might be the breathless way she said it or the way she kisses me, it pacifies the boiling anxiousness. A swift calm settles over my mind as Olivia unzips the back of my dress. Her fingers are so nibble as the she slides the spaghetti straps down my shoulder, her eyes never leaving mine. Her gaze could burn a hole through my soul.

The dress and slip falls in a heap at my feet. It'll never fell, the way Olivia's eyes grow caressing my body with just one look. She's seen my body thousands of time and yet her appraisal is like the first time, widening in appreciation.

"You are so beautiful." Her lips brush against my ear, causing us both to tremble with anticipation.

I lace my fingers behind her neck pulling her into a lip bruising kiss. I don't want to talk anymore. Word won't be enough to convey how I feel or how much I want her.

Her hands grip my hips, pulling them to hip and slipping her thigh between them. The smooth fabric of her pants offers no relief to my plight.

She pushes me back against the door, rattling the aging wood. Forcibly she takes control of our heated kiss; all the while I ride her tight trying to strike a spark.

I pull back needing some much needed air. No matter how deep a breath I take, I still feel dizzy from arousal.

Olivia moves down my jaw line sucking on my neck.

I tangle my hand in her hair intending on pulling her away, until I feel it. Her hand snakes between my legs wasting no time her finger hooks in the barrier between her and my sex.

My mind automatically goes blank. I forget what I was going to do, instead I pull Olivia tighter hoping she won't tease me.

As if she were reading my mind, one finger slides into my already willing body.

Testing the waters, she slowly pulls out before diving back in with more force.

I hang on to her for dear life as she adds another finger, then another.

Her tongue slide over the burning places on my neck.

I don't have time to think about why my neck is hurting, I feel my stomach began to tightening in rhythm.

Her three fingers curl inside me with each upward motion. The swipe of her thumb makes my body jump uncontrollably for more contact. Even without it my knees start to give way.

Olivia presses me further into the door, pumping into me with such a force I feel the door began to shake behind us.

She kisses back to my lips, just as her thumb sweeps again.

She swallows my cries as my body clamp around her slowed fingers. My head swims as the blood rushes. My eyes roll back as the sensation of my release capture me in a web of ecstasy.

As she pulls back leaving her finger inside of me, she smiles at me with the sexiest green eyes. "Damn, I'm good."

If I weren't still reeling from her handiwork I might could think of a good comeback. But the only thing I can do is nod in agreement. I take a second to catch my breath. "If my mom catches you in here, she is going to freak."

Olivia laughs sending another shiver of arousal through my already melted bones. "I haven't heard that since I was sixteen."

Slowly she removes her finger, intentionally grazing the tip of my sensitive nerves. Knowing she is just looking for encouragement. I try to keep my hips completely still but it's to no avail as a soft whimper leaves my throat.

"Good try." She whispers in my ear before sliding down to her knees.

I usually fight her. We pretend to disagree, with her promising it will be quick. I'll weakly protest knowing the outcome will be the same.

Olivia settles my leg over her shoulder hooking her finger around the material of my panties.

Her uneven pants against my saturate center is a cool relief against the overheat area.

I want this so bad I can't even be still for a second. I buck my hips in front of her.

She doesn't waste time stroking my length.

I try to pull her closer, but she resist. Her hands push my hips back to the door away from her ever so talented tongue. It's always done at her pace, which I except, but I need to feel her now.

"Olivia, please!" As I speak her name, she plunges her tongue into me.

We start the age old dance that was perfected our first night together. Her tongue bathes my sex as I move back and forth search for release.

I squeeze my eyes close so tightly I start to see dots when I open them, or it could just be from Olivia's skilled tongue.

She replaces her tongue with her fingers wrapping her tongue around my fully engorged bundle of nerves.

As much as I want this to last Olivia has always been too much for me to handle. I lose control arching against the door, pulling her deeper between my legs.

Olivia stills her fingers letting me ride at my own pace which she sucks on my clit prolonging the daze of my orgasm.

Finally I pull her away from me oversensitive bundle.

Losing the fight to stand upright I slide down the door and just like since we meet Olivia catches me pulling me into her lap. "Look at your dress."

It's crumpled under our tangled feet.

"Oh no, Blake is going to kill me."

"It'll be fine; everyone came to see me anyway."

"Is that right?" Having gained my strength back we wrestle until I have her on her back straddling her legs so she can't move away.

"Don't start something you can't finish."

Time! I look at the big clock hanging on the wall. Sure enough there is only 30 minutes before the scheduled start. I have to do my hair, redo my make-up, oh god my dress.

Olivia sits up wrapping her arms around my waist. "Not to worry princess, they can't start without us."

There is something to be said about Olivia's eyes, which I tell every one about. They speak louder than she can scream and that's pretty loud. Just the way she looks at me with so much love makes me wonder what I did to deserve a woman like her. What is it that she sees in me? I don't know and for the most part I don't care, I know I just want this to last forever. Perfection.

"I don't know what I did to deserve a perfect woman like you." I say running my finger through her long curly hair.

Olivia sighs shaking my hand loose.

"You are."

"No I'm not. I wish you would stop saying that." She leans back propping herself on her hands.

"Olivia you are the most resilient person I know. You're thoughtful, kind most of the time and caring, you're great with Rafe and Emma, you're my perfect woman that makes me breakfast in the morning and listens to my day at night. You're smart, sexy, and strong. And you have a great ass." I lean in kissing her unresponsive lips. "Now we have a wedding to attend."

I stand up picking up my dress and slip. Olivia still hasn't moved.

"Olivia?"

"What?" Her voice is hard with misguided anger as she slowly gets off the floor. She dust the invisible lent off her pant leg.

"You're upset because I called you perfect."

"Look I don't want to argue with you." She step away from me.

"There's nothing to argue about." I say dismissively.

Her eyes filling with disbelief. "No?"

"No." I simply reply.

She throws her hands up. "You must have the shortest memory in the history of human life."

"It upsets you that I'm not holding your past against you?"

"Did you forget about the 4th, about what I told you just a couple of days ago?'

"What does that have to do with us?"

"Forget it." She waves the question off.

"No. I'm not trying to pressure you to be someone you aren't. I love who you are." I go to her enveloping her in my arms. "I'm not a child, I don't think you have super powers or can actually dodge bullets and save the world. But you saved me. I feel things for you I thought were only true in fairy tales. I know you're not perfect in everyone's eyes, but you are in these eyes." I catch her downward cast eyes. "You are heaven sent and I love you no matter what happens. That's all that matters."

She smirks a little as her eye shine with tears.

"You are an extraordinary woman. I can't wait for tomorrow so I can show you just how perfect you are." I kiss her, this times she responds pushing her tongue into my mouth.

"Baby." I pull back putting some much needed space between us. "I'll see you at the altar." I push her towards the door. "I love you."

"I love you too." She steals one more kiss before ducking out of the door.

I lean back against the door my body still humming. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh god my neck. Right in the crook of my neck is a very very visible hickey.

**OLIVIA**

Why, why, why? Why does she always say things like that? How am I supposed to live up to those ideals. I know what it is, she has never seen me high and depressed and drunk. I bet if she did she wouldn't put me on such a high pedestal.

No sir-ry, she probably would have turn and high tailed as soon as possible, instead of marring me. If she knew me a few months before we met she wouldn't think those things.

Too much is going my way today; first my talk with Johnny, the trail and Natalia. Where's the other shoe?

"Mom!" Rafe yells to my right. Little he used to he jumps off the third step. I barely catch him before he hits the ground. I spin him around before settling him on his feet. Pretty soon I won't be able to pick him up at all.

"I knew you would make it!' Apparently his equilibrium is better than mine. I'm still a little dizzy while he runs circles around me, not helping the situation. "Grandma said you weren't here yet and that I should check on Ma to make sure she is still breathing."

"Well," I put a hand on his shoulder stopping him form running. "You should go do what she told you. I'll see you soon."

"Okay." He jumps at me hugging my waist. "I knew you would come." He runs down the hall.

I continue down the hall, I need to get outside, I need some air. This place is smoothing me. I quicken my step feeling like I might faint at any moment.

The slam into the door, the burst of cool air feel like cold water on a hot summer day.

Up until now I've been nothing but excited, ready to jump into this head first. No I'm not so sure. There more to this than my happiness or even Natalia's.

I was ready to spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy.

The rest of my life could be tomorrow or 60 years. Can I stay clean that long? Can I even be faithful that long? Can I keep my family happy for the rest of my life?

I sit down on the stone steps. I don't know what I did for him to play with my life the way his is. Fucking God and his twisted sense of humor.

Dangling the good life in front of me knowing I can't possibly life up to the expectation.

I just need a sign to tell me I am doing the right thing because I can't really trust my heart in these types of situations.

"You have gotten some nerves." One of the last people I want to see stands a few feet away.

I hang my head down. "Look Mr. Rivera, I think we got off to a bad start." I look up at him. I can be the bigger person for Natalia's sake. "I am sorry I threatened you in your own home. With you testifying trying to send me to prison. Maybe we should make a fresh start."

He looks up to the sky, apparently talking to God and not me. "No puedo creer que este dique tiene la audacia de pensar que me gustaría nada que ver con su vida sórdida."

"No se trata sólo de mí." I take a second to make sure I have his attention. "It's about your daughter and your grandchildren. They deserve the best from both of us."

He glares at me resting one foot on the last step leaning forward. "What they deserve is to be happy in a healthy, normal family. You can't give that to them."

"I'm doing my best."

"You're best is not good enough. Let's face the truth. You can't be the person Natalia needs. It may not be your fault. But I do know and you also know you're not good enough for her."

"All of a sudden you care about whether she is happy or not." I know it's a low blow, he started.

He blinks hesitating before answering. "I've always cared, I would rather her be unhappy here on earth than to burn in hell for the rest of her life."

"Fairytales." I shake my head.

"That's she believes in."

"No she doesn't." At least not that part, at least not as much as before.

"Man shall not lie with-"

I interrupt him. "Last time I checked we were woman."

"You are going to ruin her life. She was already struggling with this unnatural feeling now you've made her into a liar and a murderer."

"She didn't have anything to do with that and 12 jurors said neither did I."I lean back supporting my elbows on the step behind me. I smile smugly at him.

"You say you want her to be happy."

"I do."

"Prove it." He stands straight up. "You did what she needed at the time and if you want money I'll raise it. But you can't have her. Let her go so she can find a man to love her and her children. You'll only hurt her more."

For a second I can see the sincerity in her eyes, but it only masks the hate he has for me.

"I am going to make her happy. I told her I would and I have. I also plan to spend the rest of my life doing so." I stand up off my perch. "If you'll excuse me I have the rest of my life to get to."

"Can't you see?" He steps closer, raising his voice in desperation.

"See what?"

"You swoop in with your money, fancy cars and promises. How is anyone supposed to compete with that? For god sakes you killed a man!" He yells taking one step at a time. "Nicholas had his flaws but he wasn't a dog you can just take out back. She hasn't seen enough of the world to settle down with someone like you."

"I'm not forcing her to do anything."

"You don't get it!" He steps on equal level with me yelling in my face.

"No you don't get it. She loves me!"

"She doesn't! Somehow you've gotten into Rafe's head. How is she supposed to react?"

"Forget it Ricardo." I throw my hands up spinning away from him.

He grabs my bicep hard enough to almost make me cry out in pain. "They are my family!"

"Hey!" I look over his shoulder to see a tall black woman running up the stairs. She looks familiar but I can't place her with Ricardo in my head.

Ricardo lets go of my arm taking a step back.

"Is there a problem?" She steps between us facing Ricardo. "Funny I didn't see your name on the guest list." She licks her thumb before flipping through an imaginary book, staring at Ricardo.

"I was just leaving." Ricardo back peddles down the steps.

"Damn right you were." We watch him disappear down the street. She turns to me watching me rub my arm. "You should really think about having security; too many assholes with grudges against you."

"Yea."

I hold my hand out for to shakes hers. She takes my hand squeezing it way too tight. "I would hate to be one of those people."

"What?" I pull my hand loose.

"Jaime Golden."

Holy fuck! Docs wife. I've seen her in a couple of pictures with Brittany. In the pictures she had long hair. Now she sports a bob, cut just below her ears. "I know about you."

"What ever she told you was a lie. We never did anything, She loves you and I love Natalia."

"Let's keep it that way." She smiles with perfectly white teeth. Straighten the jacket of her suit.

"Well let's not keep everyone waiting." She runs to the door holding it open. "What are you waiting for?"

I take a deep breath before taking the next step.

**Doris**

I hate weddings. Why the hell did we get picked to where the suits. I think I would have looked stunning in a bridesmaid gown. But I wouldn't have worn it but that is beside the point anyway. Where the hell is the main hall? I turn down another long darkened hall way.

Back to hating weddings. With everyone pretending to be happy and secretly taking bets on how long the relationship will last or who will cheat first. The only good thing about it is the reception but only if there is an open bar and loose women or at least Blake.

Fuck, Blake. I already know I am going to hear an ear full when I see her. I had to make her look bad on the stand. She'll come around one of these days.

As much as I hate to admit it I did feel sort of bad. I know what she wants and always have wanted, I just can't give that to her.

And I'm not on some woe is me kind of thing. And I'm not Olivia. I don't think that I'm not good enough. I just love what I do. I like politics, I like wooing women with their husbands yards away. I like sleeping around.

I've never wanted the 'honey I'm home thing'. Could I live with Blake, of course I have. Could I be in a relationship with her, no doubt. The real question is could I be faithful, the answer is an emphatic no. I couldn't and I probably wouldn't even try that hard. The way I see it I have kept her from a long life of crying in bed alone wondering who I'm with or where I am.

I know I handled thing wrong, our first time but I was young and I have apologized a thousand times and had hoped we could be friends. To an extent we have. If I could just stop falling in bed with her I think she could really move on. A small part of me doesn't want her to move on.

But that my selfish ego being on my chest when I see her with someone else. I can control it for the most part except when she provokes me and I have to have her. But then the cycle starts all over again.

I get to the end of the hall ways looking down the adjacent hall. Know I know I'm walking in circles. Where the hell is everyone any way? There are supposed to be signs and streamers leading the way.

I turn around at the sound of a door creaking open.

Damn it.

Natalia looks right at me her face morphing from confusion to annoyance.

She stalks out of the room towards me in nothing but her slip. "Johnny told me what you said."

"Good for you." I really didn't mean to say that. It was just a knee jerk reaction to her tone.

"I have tired. I really have, to be friends with you. I've at least tried to be civil with you but I am finished."

"What do you want, a standing ovation." Damn it. You can do this Wolfe, just be nice. This is Olivia's wife. Remember you are doing this for Olivia. She loves this woman so you can learn to pretend to like her.

"Like said, I'm finished. Olivia is mine. I know you did a lot to help Olivia when she needed it but it's my turn now. I am her wife. If she has a problem I'll be there to help her. You are her friend so stay in your place."

My place, she has the nerve to tell me to stay in my place. I am Doris Wolfe my place is every where. "Now you listen to me," I start to say but quickly snap my mouth shut. I have to remember to play nice, this is happening, if I want it to or not. "You're right."

"What?"

"I said you are right. Since you came along I have been trying to figure out why I don't like you." She blink dumbfound. "I thought it was because I was secretly in love with Olivia."

Just like I suspected her jaw clenches in nervousness. "Then I thought it was because you almost got my best friend killed. But I recently realized I just don't like you. No real reason I just don't. I have to except that Olivia is not single any more. She can't be my wing man or stay out too late." The look on her face is priceless. She thinks she's won, probably didn't think it would be so easy. What she doesn't know is that I don't lose, never. I know it's mean but she started and I have to hit back "But just so you know," I step closer to her. "If I wanted Olivia I could take her at any moment. And I mean take her like you never could, so don't ever approach me with this again. You won." I grit my teeth on the last part. I had to balance out the scales. The whole taking Olivia part probably shook her whole world.

The clatter of high heels echo down the long empty hallway.

"Here's the thing, I'm giving you something I cherish and have tried to protect. Frankly I don't think you're strong enough to hold that but I am trusting Olivia and you not to fuck this up. But just know that I'm always watching you. Just around the corner waiting."

She looks pissed beyond belief. I prepare myself for the slap I know is coming.

"Natalia! Why aren't you dress?" Blake and Lindsey rush past me taking Natalia by the arms back into the room. "And what the hell happened to your neck!"

**NO POV**

Olivia and Doris met Father Ray on the small stage.

Father Ray rocked on his heels biting the inside of his lips to keep from smiling so much.

The music began to play as Remy appeared through the double doors with Maria Rivera on his arm.

Maria Rivera beamed bright as if it were her wedding. Everything was beautiful. It was the exact replica of how Natalia had described it to her; fresh flower in very bright colors.

She walked with Remy never taking her eyes off Olivia.

While Olivia wasn't her first choice for her daughter she was glad it was someone who cherished her. Even she couldn't deny how Natalia's glowed when ever Olivia was near.

Olivia had shown she was more than willing to work for Natalia's love and everyone's respect.

Olivia smiled at Maria as Remy sat her down on the front row.

The music continued as Blake and Lindsey appeared at the door. They both held a bouquet of purple and white flowers. Blake smiled at her part time lover as she slowly made her way down the aisle with Lindsey behind her.

Father Ray stood up straighter clutching his bible tight. If someone had told him a few years ago he would be officiating Olivia's wedding he might have laughed in their face but here he was.

It was times like these when his faith in God was at its all time high.

For so long Olivia had tempted his faith. He often asked for guidance with respects to the woman. And still for years he never seemed to get an answer.

None of his methods had broken down her wall completely except for Natalia.

Until then no one beside Rodney and Doris were able to get close to her. So he waited. He found her in bars high and drunk; he took her home so she could sleep it off with out causing further damage to herself or to others.

And yet he was about to hear her say her vows to an equally deserving woman. They were both an inspiration to everything he believed in.

The priest reached out touching Olivia forearm simply smiling at her. He couldn't be prouder if Olivia was his own daughter.

He could see the blush creep up her neck as she gave him a shy smile back. All the abuse he had taken from the woman was well worth it.

'Here Comes the Bride' began to play on the organ.

Brittany and Emma shuffled down the aisle in their silver dresses. Emma picked one pedal out of the basket gently setting it on the floor. She repeated the process until every pedal was neatly laid on its back.

Doris smiled at the little girls. She had wanted a child once; that was before she got into the underground businesses that made her richer. They were liabilities now, but she had always thought she would make a great mother. Her parents had shown her how not to be.

Doris stood tall behind Olivia. She almost smirked when the man beside them touched Olivia's arm. Almost.

She was thankful for the man's presence when she couldn't be there. He was a big help in keeping Olivia out of trouble but he wasn't much in the way of helping her with her personal issues.

His answer to any question would always come back to a crap spewing fountain about god.

It was never what she wanted to hear nor did Olivia. Olivia's paranoia towards the deity would grow tenfold after meetings with him.

She was always the one to convince Olivia no one was after her. She was responsible for trying to reverse Father Ray's and her mother's condemnation of her. Still she trusted Olivia in his hands.

It was difficult to express how she felt about today. She was happy Olivia had found her 'soul mate' as Olivia had put it. She was a little sad that they were going to spend less time together. She was mad that it took so long for this moment to come around. She was confused because didn't like Natalia, but there was no particular reason for her dislike. She was also grateful for the woman's presence. If she was the reason Olivia woke up everyday and decided to stay clean then she Doris would do her best to be polite. Natalia was marrying into the family so whether she liked it or not she would welcome the woman and hoped she stayed.

Doris noticed Olivia was a little unsteady on her feet. She reached a hand out placing it on the small of her friends back. "You okay?"

"I um…"

"Just breathe." Doris patted Olivia's back as the doors opened one last time.

Natalia took a deep breath nervously shifting the bouquet from one hand to the next as the ushers opened the doors. Rafe stood just inside playing with his tie. All she had to do was take a few tiny steps to her son and he would lead her to her wife and that would be that.

Natalia's step faltered as she looked down the long aisle at Olivia.

"Ma?" Rafe whispered impatiently. He was ready to get out of his tux.

Natalia's tried to smile down at her son but she was unable to take her eyes off of Olivia waiting for her.

Rafe took the initiative, taking Natalia hand.

Natalia followed her son down the aisle. The music was forgotten as she began to walk faster. Natalia's step quickened some much Rafe was almost skipping trying to keep up.

They both stopped at the small stage. Rafe held his mother's hand up for Olivia to take.

Olivia rocked on her heels feeling more faint then she had when she first saw her wife to be.

With a small push from her best woman, Olivia stepped forward taking Natalia's hand.

Natalia stepped up facing her future.

Blake gently tugged the flower bundle out of Natalia's hand.

Father Ray waited for Rafe to take his seat and the music to stop.

"We have gathered her today"

Olivia tried to whisper, her throat was too dry to control the volume. "You're beautiful." She said interrupting Father Ray.

Their family and friends laughed as the priest cleared his throat starting again.

Natalia gazed into Olivia's impossibly green eyes, her future, the rest of her life played out, finally pausing at two old women sitting in purple jogging suits tugging on the remote.

A tear escaped as she thought about where they had both been to where they were both headed.

Olivia stepped closer cupping Natalia's face, her thumb swiped away the wetness. "Don't cry princess." She leaned her head in resting her forehead against Natalia's.

Creating their own cocoon, Natalia locked her hands behind Olivia's back.

Father Ray stopped his speech looking around for any indication he should continue.

"I just love you so much." Natalia hugged Olivia tighter, crying in earnest.

Father Ray took a step back realizing the scene in front of him was private.

Olivia tilted her head and began to kiss along Natalia jaw line; she stopped at the corner of her mouth.

Natalia captured her lips, her tongue searching for access which Olivia gladly gave her. The kiss intensified as the seconds ticked away.

Maria Rivera's face turned a deep crimson red. It had never been that passionate with her husband, but wouldn't trade their up and violent downs for anything.

"Okay save it for the honeymoon." Doris unlocked Natalia's hands pulling Olivia back by her jacket.

Another round of laughter broke out.

Like magnets their bodies drifted back to one another as soon as Doris's restrictive hand was gone.

"Let's get this show on the road before they lose an article of clothing." Doris snapped her finger at Father Ray.

"Okay." He stepped up to the couple. ""Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here to join together this woman and this woman in Matrimony; which is an honorable estate, and therefore is not by any to be entered upon, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained. Into which estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can show any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace…Rings?"

Doris pulled the rings out of her pocket tapping Olivia on her shoulder.

Olivia turned around just enough to take the rings. She put her ring in Natalia's hand not wanting to let the ball fist go.

"Wilt thou have this woman to be thy-" Father Ray started again only to be interrupted by Natalia.

"I love you." Natalia held Olivia's hand up to her chest. She bit the inside of her cheek, fighting the urge to cry. "I…um…I must have written my vows a thousand times and I still forgot them at home." Natalia nervously rambled as she squeezed her hand around the ring. "In the end it turned out to be five pages. It still wasn't everything wanted to say to you. I wish I had a larger vocabulary, and then maybe I could adequately tell you how I feel and everything you mean to me. And I'll never be able to find any words that could explain just how much my heart… my life…my soul you've changed."

Father Ray cleared his throat. "Just one second Natalia, we'll get to the vows."

Natalia took a deep breathe not even registering the priest talking or everyone laughing. "You are everything you me, you know."

She cleared her throat. "I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be able to wake up everyday and see you. I want to tell you I love you everyday of my life and I want you to believe it, because I mean it from the bottom of my being. You make me so happy."

Father Ray tried to gain their attention. "Okay, let's move along. Do you Olivia"

"See that's what I'm afraid of." Olivia said over the man.

Father Ray shook his head knowing when he had been beaten.

"I don't want to keep you in this situation if things go bad and they probably will."

"No." Natalia shook her head.

"Natalia I love you more than anything. You mean the world to me." Olivia sobbed. "I tried so many times to change and every time I would go back. But then you came along and everything just seemed so much easier. You put in so much effort to make everything work perfectly but sometimes I ask myself if I'm worth it."

"You are. You are worth every tear all the love in the world. And I will fight for you until I win. When no one else understands you can run to me. Right here." Natalia squeezed Olivia for inference. "Right here is your safe place. When the world is too much to face, when you can't tell if you are up or down and you don't think you can win, I'll be here, waiting for you. To let you know you are perfect just the way you are and you are so worth it." Natalia whispered in Olivia's ear. "I love you so much."

"I don't have a speech made out and I can't top that." Olivia pulled back a bit looking Natalia in her watery eyes. "I know that I am not perfect and I'll mess up sometimes. I know I love you and…I feel like you are the place my life began and I want it to end with you beside me. I don't want to miss one moment of our life together. When we are together I know I'm not alone anymore. I know you won't hurt me like the people in my past. I know these things because I feel them and I can feel because of you…I give my hand to you with all my heart. I will love you, I promise you; for as long as you want."

Olivia took Natalia's hand. "With this ring, I'm bound. And I promise that I'll do my best to never let you down." She slid the ring home on her wife's finger. "I told you once that you were my reason for living and I meant it. If you will make me the happiest woman on earth and give me forever to show you how much love I have for you I promise I will love you till the day I die."

"I do." Natalia choked the words back. It was her turn to slide her ring on Olivia's finger.

"With this ring I am bound." She repeated Olivia's words. "Do you take me as your wife?"

Natalia kissed the ring on her wife's finger.

"I do." Olivia smiled looking back over her shoulder at Doris.

For her part Doris pretended to be unaffected by the emotional exchange, instead she focused on who she would take home from the reception.

"I now pronounce you wife and wife you may kiss…again."

Emma chose the moment they locked lips to throw the rest of the flowers everywhere in celebration.

Rafe rolled his eye really ready to get out of his tux.

"Your chariot awaits my lady." Olivia held out her hand for Natalia to take.

Natalia let herself be lead out of the door to the steps of the building to be greeted with a real chariot pulled by two white horses. "Oh my God Olivia!"

"Horses, Mama, horses." Emma jumped in excitement determined to be the first to animals.

"This is just the beginning." Olivia smiled watching the light double in Natalia's eyes.


	6. November 2018

**PRESENT November **

**Rafe**

"RAFE GET UP!"

"I'm up!" People say Mondays are the worst but I vote for Thursday and Fridays. One more day until the weekend and even than I will be at work with Olivia. For the last month I've been doing a half day at school then working at the hotel. And I'm not even getting paid. There has to be a child labor law about this. At first it was fun but now I see how she more and more and it disturbing to say the least.

I roll my eye at another knock on the door.

"Ma I'm up."

"You're not up until you are downstairs and ready to go, now move it."

The kitchen is always hectic in the morning, everyone fighting for the last beacon strip or who will sneak a pop tart out. Today is no different except Ma is doing the cooking by herself like she has for the last month.

This morning Olivia is nowhere to be found.

"Good morning sweetie." Ma twirls around the kitchen in her apron, flipping pancakes and scrambling eggs.

"Good morning Ma." Nothing can wake a person up like the smell of a good breakfast and coffee.

"Rafe I need you to drop the twin off at school. Olivia is not feeling well."

"Yipee." I fix myself a cup of coffee.

"I thought I told you to stop drinking that stuff it'll stunt your growth." Ma takes the cup from my hand sipping it. Her face sours at the taste. "Just like your Mother, not enough sugar and no cream." She pours it down the sink.

"Ma I think I'm as tall as I'm going to get."

"You never know."

All I can do is shake my head as she spin again setting plates on the counter to be filled. The phone ring as she finishes the plates. "Rafe can you put those on the table." She takes the phone in the next room.

I'm getting tire of everyone leaving me out of things. First Olivia has all these secret meeting that aren't on the schedule and now Ma is taking calls in the next room and whispering on the phone. I need get to the bottom of it.

After setting the plates on the table I creep into the living room and to the front door. I crack the door open watching as Ma paces the porch talking low on the phone.

"NO I refuse to believe that."

….

"I know she is not cheating on me."

…

"I have, every time I say something we argue. I ask what's wrong she says 'nothing'. I've been trying to get her to talk but she won't. I'm worried, what if she did relapse, what are we going to do? I know she would never put the children at risk but…I just want to help and she won't let me.'

…

"I think the children know something is wrong."

…

"I am being strong; I have to for them and myself. We have to do something."

I lean against the wall beside the door. I guess if I weren't in denial I would have been able really realize it before now. It all makes sense now; the secret meetings, her always being tired, her sleeping and all the other M.I.A activities.

After all the speeches she gave me about drugs. She has some fucking nerves.

**Olivia**

Rafe comes through the front door, startling me from my work on the couch.

"What are you doing here, shouldn't you be at school?" I look him up and down. Its only 10 a.m., work does start till 12.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" He always has a comeback, its wearing thin on my nerves.

"Rafe this is not going to fly. Come on I'm taking you back to school." I grab my keys of the coffee table before getting off the couch.

"No, I'm not going back." Defiance clouds his eyes.

"Uh, yea you are, now let's go." I grab his backpack strap, when he tries to pull away it breaks, spilling the contents of his backpack on the floor. He stand like a deer caught in the head lights, eyes jumping from me to the spill.

I look through the mess trying to find what's got him scared, till I come across a small bags filled with white powder.

I see the drug that's dark hand held my life for too long. I slowly pick it up, hoping its baby powder.

"Oh, Rafe tell me, you're not on this stuff." I hold the bag up in front of him.

He stands silently, shifting from foot to foot. I can see he's scared, which is good.

"Rafe what the hell are you thinking? Why would you do this?"

"I'm not, I…I was" He stutters trying to find an answer.

"Sit down, now." I try to keep my anger under control. He obeys, sitting on the couch heavily.

"Why?" I ask but he still doesn't answer. Maybe I should call Natalia first_. _"Rafe look at me, why would you do this?" He won't look at me and I can feel the tension building between us. "You know what this stuff can do to people? How many times have I told you-"

He interrupted me. "Yea you've told me a lot of thing. Too bad you don't practice what you preach." His foot taps to the ground, ready for an explosion.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on. You know exactly what I'm talking about." Rafe jumps off the couch and paces the room. "You sit here and lecture me about drugs. What about you?"

"I stopped a long time ago, because I love you and your mom."

"That's bull shit! You think I don't see what's happening?"

"Rafe you better watch your mouth. I know you are upset about something but I will not have you talking to me that way."

He crosses his arms over his chest. The tears gathered in his eyes. I miss the days I could pick him up and rock him until he settles whatever was hurting him.

I walk over to him running my hand through his curly hair. He's already taller than and still growing. "Tell me what's wrong."

He pulls away from my hands soothing gesture. "You are! I'm not fucking stupid. I saw you with Rodney."

I sigh. We probably should have talked to him earlier about my past, instead of letting everyone else tell him. "Yes I was with Rodney but he is clean now. You know that."

"Right, so I'm supposed to believe he's straight now. Why, cause you say so?"

"Wait what does this have to do with you?" I tried of arguing with Rafe every step of the way. With this headache I bound to lose my temper_. _"Rafe go to your room, I'll be up in a minute to talk to you." He gives me one last look as he headed up the stairs.

Even after all these years I can still feel it.I open my hand just enough to sneak a peek at the bag. I could take it in the basement and no one would be the wiser. Maybe I would forget about my impending doom. Or maybe it will be quick and painless, al least I'll feel good, well better than now.

The door to the living room opens and I quickly stuffed the bag in my pocket.

Emma runs up to me hugging around my legs. "Hey baby girl, where's your Ma?"

"Outside." Emma still holds on tight.

"I miss you too baby but I have to walk." I reach down and pick the little girl up. Damn the doc said no heavy lifting. She'll have to make an exception.

"Did you have a good day?"

"Look." Emma smiles big showing me her missing tooth. "The dentist pulled it."

"Oh, did it hurt?"

My little girl shakes her head, no. "He gave me the laughing gas. It made me dizzy and sleepy. When I woke up it was gone. I have to leave it for the tooth fairy."

"Why don't you go do that?" I put Emma on her feet. She quickly runs up the stairs.

The twins and Natalia trail in the door. "Hey Baby."

"What are you and Rafe doing here so early?" The twins sit on the couch watches us over the back of it.

"I need to talk to you about that."

"What's wrong?" Natalia cocks her head to the side trying to study me, like she can actually read my mind if she concentrates hard enough.

"I don't know but we'll talk later. Okay." Walking up to her I kiss her forehead, before heading upstairs. I want to get to the bottom of this before I tell her. Drugs are kind of my territory.

**Rafe**

I gotta find a place to hide. I'll be grounded forever if Ma finds out about this. Hopefully Olivia won't tell. If she does I can always go for the pity or guilt trip. I open one of my comic books waiting for the storm to come up stairs.

_Knock._

There it is. "Come in."

The door opens and Olivia steps in closing it behind her. She leans against the door looking around my room, probably for more drugs. "Is this all of it?"

"Yes."

"So you gonna tell me what this is about or are you going to shout more."

I shrug my shoulders at her question. No one told her to break my backpack in the first place.

"Who gave it to you?"

"You." I try to scream but it only comes out as a pathetic whisper.

"Rafe I'm not kidding. I want to know who sold you this stuff. NOW."

"I found it." More like I stole it.

"Do you think I've relapsed?"

I shrug my shoulders again. All the symptoms are there.

"I haven't, if that's what you think."

"Can we talk after dinner?" At least I can listen to her lies on a full stomach.

"Yes we can; you, me and your mother."

Fuck no! "This is between us."

"NO Rafe you brought that stuff into OUR house and around your little brother and sisters. It's between all of us." She opens the door on her way out.

"Okay, okay." I give in. Slowly she closes the door, leaning back against it. "I just wanted to see what was so good about it that you would risk everything."

"Rafe I told you I'm not using. Who told you that?"

"No one. You just been acting different and I thought I knew why." I don't know if I should be happy, but if she isn't using then she's cheating.

"Nothing is wrong Rafe. Everything is fine." She's lying through her teeth. And we both know it.

"Okay." I can lie too.

"Are you sure that's it?"

"Yes that was all of it."

"Rafe I say this with only love in my heart. If you ever bring that stuff here I'll call the cops myself and make sure you are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I've been there and I don't want you to know what it's like."

"Yes ma'am…But everything isn't okay. I'm not a child."

Olivia slowly nods her head then turns and leaves.

It ain't fair, what she's doing, I deserve to know who or what she's doing.

**Rafe**

As punishment for last week Olivia is making me work everyday even the weekend but when I got to work Olivia was dead sleep in the suite. So I take matters into my own hand to find out what's wrong. Those computer classes I took really came in handy; hacking into her computer was easier that than I thought it would be. Hacking into her email was harder, but I did it.

_Spencer inc._

_I feel a lot better. Still tired a lot._

_JROOKS_

_That's good I want to see you today. _

_Spencer inc_

_Can't having lunch with my wife and dinner with my family, maybe tomorrow_

I scroll through the most recent one. The conversation seems to be about meting again. Not if I can help it. At the bottom of the other woman's email is a phone number and name, Jackie Rooks. I take my chances dialing the number. I hope she is ready for a good cussing out.

"Thank you for calling Dr. Rooks's office. My name is Cindy, how may I help you today." The woman smacks on a piece of gum as she talks.

"Um yes is Dr. Rooks there I need to talk to her."

"In regards to what?"

"An appointment she has with my mother Olivia Spencer. I am her son."

"Oh yes Mrs. Spencer, you must be Raphael, let me put you through." Her up beat voice kind of confuses me. Why would the doctor let her receptionist in on the affair; probably books hotel rooms under her name. And why the hell would Olivia tell her about me.

"Dr. Rooks." Her soft voice only serves to make my anger flare. She probably used it to seduce Olivia. "Hello this is Dr. Rooks."

"Yea I'm calling about Olivia Spencer… you need to…"

She cuts me off. "Did something happen? Give me the hospital address and I'll be there in a few minutes." Through the phone I can hear her packing things, sounds more like throwing things in a bag.

"What, no. I'm her son, Raphael." Something clicks in my head. Why would Olivia be seeing a doctor and why is she talking about hospitals. "Um actually I'm calling to reschedule her appointment."

"Oh god, you scared me." The exalted breathe rushing into the receiver. "Well I'm glad she finally told someone. She talks about you all the time."

Suddenly I really don't like where this is going. But I have to get some info out of her since Olivia is holding back. "Yea she finally told me everything, how you're the best…um"

"Cardiologist." She finishes the sentence for me. Laughing like I'm some kid who can't remember a big word.

"Right she says you're the best."

"I really wanted to see her today but went did she want to schedule it?"

"Dang I forgot let me call you back." I snap my fingers in the phone receiver.

"No problem. Just give me a call back."

I hang up the phone before I start to hyperventilate. There has to be a logical reason for Olivia having an appointment with a cardiologist, like for yearly check up. Maybe I heard wrong or this is all some sort of mix up with another Olivia Spencer.

I creep back into Olivia's office. She should be in a meeting with the staff. That gives me a little time. The file cabinets line the wall but I know which one to hit first. The second to last one has all her personal information. In the second draw there's a folder labeled medical but there are no papers in it.

No, Olivia would be smarter than that. She wouldn't put something like that in here.

Helplessly I walk circles in the room, trying to figure out Olivia's hiding place. Not the file cabinet definitely not her desk, car, home, briefcase, secret walls. Olivia was always the best at hide and seek until I found her hiding behind all those shoe boxes in her closet. I shoot out of her office up to the suite. She has to have close to a hundred empty shoes boxes and probably double actual shoes.

I tear through them, making it almost to the bottom. In a tall black shoe box, I'm assuming held knee high boots, I find the stacks of paper. The first paper explains it all.

_Patient: Olivia Spencer_

_ Condition: Dilated Cardiomyopathy_

_Prognosis: 6 months to a year. In need of heart transplantation._

Why wouldn't she say something? All this time everyone has been accusing her of being on drugs. She's dying.

**Olivia**

It had been such a good week. I've told two people about my condition, my two best friends of course. Rafe hasn't made a peep; I think he's so scared he might actually jump through a ring of fire if I ask. But what ever it takes.

Today is not a continuation of this very good week. This morning started off great. I had sex with Natalia like I usually do when I don't workout and I haven't because when I do I feel like my chest is going to pass out. So we had sex and cooked breakfast together.

The day has continually gone down hill from there. First I couldn't start my day because I felt so run down. I took a nap but that didn't help at all. I called Dr. Rooks when she left a message about my appointment. I didn't remember saying I wanted to change it, I could have and just have forgotten. It's all well I didn't feel like driving there today anyway.

All day I've been feeling the abnormal heartbeat she's been harping about. And what happens when you tell a heart doctor your heart feels funny, she says, "I'm on my way."

I told her it wasn't necessary, she never listens to me. It probably just the medicine making me tired and peeing every two minutes.

As much as I hated it, I'm relieved. Dropping dead today is not on my to-do list.

But here is the cherry. Jaime calling me, yelling. It's just something about being chewed out on the phone as an adult that makes it that much harder to swallow. For the last minute or so, Jaime has been ranting and yelling in my ear. I'm too tired to even argue with her.

"Are you listening me Olivia? Natalia is crying her eyes out, telling Lindsey you're back on that stuff. So you have exactly one minute to tell me why?"

"I'm not on drugs for god sakes." I fight the urge to throw the phone or paint a sign on my forehead.

"Not good enough."

I sigh knowing this is a bad ideal. "You remember I told you I wasn't feeling great."

"SO?"

"I went to see a doctor and he referred me to Dr. Jackie Rooks."  
"Jackie Rooks, but she a cardiologist."

I give her a second to let it all sink in. It's about time I start telling the rest of my friends at least.

"Olivia, you should have come to me." It's the voice I've been dreading to hear. It's the sound of people feeling sorry, because they know you're dying. The look is even worst.

"I couldn't, you would have told, and I need you to keep this to yourself. You can't even tell Lindsey, no one."

"But Olivia support can make a difference."

How does everyone know that? I want to see some empirical evidence that support that. "No. I'm going to tell her when I know for sure what's going to happen." I want to be able to give her a definite explanation.

Rafe burst in through the office door, slamming a folder on my desk. "When the hell were you going to tell me?"

I look down at the damning evidence, almost stunned he found it. "Let me call you back." I hang up the phone without hearing her reply. "Rafe…" I don't want to see his face nor the pain in his brown eyes. It would be too much like telling Natalia.

His tears splash onto the vanilla folder, creating a dizzy pattern.

"You're dying and you didn't even bother to tell me." His whole body shakes as his hand clenches into fist on the folder.

I can't figure out the right words to say. I've had plenty of time to think about them, they never came and they aren't coming now either.

Instead I walk around the desk taking him in my arm. He struggles for a second or two before breaking down. I can feel his hot tear soaking my blouse. I can feel the struggle leaving his body, and I can't help but cry for him. It's also the first time I've cried since the prognosis.

"It's going to be okay. You'll see." Hoping my words soothe some of his pain. I feel him hold tighter as if the hold would prolong my stay on this earth.

"Mrs. Spencer, Father Ray is here to see you." My assistant comes over the speaker.

"Rafe, I want to talk to you more. Why don't you go lay down in the back while I talk to Ray." I try to pull him from my shoulder, but he refuses to let go. "Superman, come on."

He finally relents, walking slowly to the next room. He peeks over his shoulder every two steps, as if I were going to disappear before his eyes.

"Olivia." Father Ray comes through the door.

I turn just in time to wipe my eyes and return to my desk. "To what do I owe this visit?" My voice almost cracks.

Father Rays' eyebrows jump in suspicion and curiosity. "I think you know why I'm here."

"Natalia called you." Someone has been a busy little bee.

"Yes, she did. But I think you called me a couple of days ago." He takes a seat in one of the vacant chairs.

"And you're just getting around to replying."

"To be fair you're a hard person to get in touch with."

"Try harder next time." I snap at him. I don't know why I called him in the first place, I don't need spiritual guidance, I need a heart.

"Did I interrupt something?" He nods his head behind me.

Rafe was standing, leaning against the door frame. He looks angry, his face red with pended up emotion.

"Rafe I thought I asked you to wait for me." It sounds cold and it was. I don't need everyone knowing my business until I tell them. I didn't even want him to know, not yet.

"Right, because we got all the time in the world to talk." He pushes away for the door. "Does he know? Hm?" He walks drunkenly across the floor. "Of course you know. She tells you and Wolfe everything, doesn't she?"

Father Ray looks at me out the corner of his eyes uncomfortably.

"Yea, go on like nothing is wrong, that what we're all good at right. Ignoring what's right in front of our face." He's turns away from us walking to the door.

"Rafe, stay." I command him. He's too emotional to be anywhere unsupervised.

"No." He walks out of the door slamming it behind him.

I force a smile at Father Ray. "Teenagers right?"

He doesn't look amused.

"Look I thought I needed to talk to you but I don't. So if you can tell Natalia to stop climbing up her phone tree we can all move pass this." I get up from my chair. "Thank you for coming, I'm sure you know the way out." With that I walk out of the room to find my son.

**RAFE**

How fucking stupid do I have to be. Any normal person would have when out the door to the car and just drove, but noooo. I couldn't do that I had to go upstairs to the penthouse. She's going to know I'm up here. All I want to do is be alone. By my self to figure this out.

I step out of the elevator. Something about this room is stupid. Everything is so fucking stupid.

I need some air. I walk towards the balcony but I stop myself before I open the door. To my right hanging up is a picture us. Me and Olivia. I can't remember what beach it was on. I should remember something like that. But I don't.

All I see is a stupid little kid smiling like a fucking idiot. "I bet you wouldn't be smiling if you knew me." I walk up to the picture staring my former self. "I'm talking to you, you little asshole."

Fucking picture is still smiling. I grip the phone in my pocket. Not that I meant to but before I know it, the device is flying across the room crashing and splintering against the wall. I watch the pieces divide and tumble on the floor.

"Look what you did." I turn back to the picture. "Asshole." I slide the door open hard enough to shatter the glass but it doesn't give. It rattles which angers me a little more. It should have broke.

I have a violent urge to flip over all the chairs out here; just toss them over the balcony, maybe jump over with them. That would show them.

Show them what? That would just be the end. No more Rafe. No more Superman. No more little asshole with a temper. Just the end. I know I don't have the balls to even dangle my feet. Used to piss myself just looking over the rail.

And what about death? Plenty of people I've known or called family have died. But what is death, is it a beginning or an end. Wolfe says there is nothing else but life. Ma says we go to heaven to be with the ones we love. What about people who had nobody to love them. What about murderers and rapist.

I don't want to die and I don't want anyone I love to die because what if Wolfe is right, what if there is nothing but now and yesterdays I don't remember clearly.

"I thought I'd find you here."

I didn't even hear her come in. I stay stark still, just ball my fist. Every single one of her lies heating my blood to a boil.

"So you what to talk."

"No." I turn away from her when she comes to stand beside me.

"Cut me a little slack here."

"Why?" I start out into the cloudy sky. The sun only able to break through a couple of small holes. "You don't care about anyone else."

"You know I love you."

"You don't." I snap back. She couldn't love me and not tell me that she could be gone in less than a couple of months. You don't just leave the people you love and not tell them."You should have said something."

"I was." I hear a chair scrape against the concrete. "I wanted to tell everyone the facts. I don't want people hanging on the edge because of me."

I turn to her sitting in a chair.

"I think you know what I mean. Everyday Rafe I think if I'm going to make it or if I will die. I don't want you or your mother to worry like that. It takes a lot out of a person."

"We have a right."

"You do. And I'm sorry but I'm only looking out for your best interest."

"You mean your best."

"No yours." She gets up with a small grunt. "You're too young to be as serious as you are, Rafe. You have your whole life ahead of you. Look you're already putting wrinkles on your face." She runs the back of her fingers down the side of my face.

I want to pull back instead I lean in to her touch. I like when she does that or combs her fingers through my hair.

"You have enough on your plate right now, my problems are my fault and I'll deal with the consequences. What I want you to do is go be a teenager without the drugs."

I flitch are the remark.

"But since you know. I can't take that back." Nervously she runs her hand through her hair. "With that said I'm going to need you to step up to the plate for me. As time passes I might not be able to do all the things I used to. And if worse come to, I'm going to need you to be the man of the house. Your mother is going to need help and you're the oldest."

"I don't want you to go away." Fuck I don't know what it is about her presence that turns me into a child. I pull her into a hug, needing to feel something beside the hurt of the future without my other mother.

"Well than it's settled. I won't." She laughs in my shoulder.

I pull back suddenly aware that someone could see us, but not really we're 13 floors up.

"It's going to be alright. Heart disease is sort of common and I have the best doctors on my side."

"Jaime?"

"After today, yes. But I have my own doctor."

"About that." I stick my finger nail in my mouth biting the corner. "I sort of thought you were having an affair and called her."

"Tell me you didn't curse her out."

"No! It's kind of how I found out then I found the folder." I rip the rest of the nail off feeling the stink of it ripping too low. "I spent like an hour looking up your condition on the computer."

She waves the statement off. "Don't worry about the statistics."

"So when were you going to tell Ma?"

"I don't know, so don't you go telling her anything. When I'm ready she will be the first to know. But until then I need you keep this to yourself, not even Brittany."

"Yes, Ma'am." We just stand beside each other watching the clouds swallow the last of the sun rays. Out of the side of my eye I see her sway a little.

"God it's so bright out here." Her words are slurred but I understood them.

"What are you talking about it's about to ra…" Before I can finish her whole body stiffens before falling like a tree. "Mom!" Out of instincts I grab for her but I only catch the collar of her shirt.

The button pop off flying everywhere as the shirt opens. A sickening thump of her head hitting the metal rail rings out into the sky.

I drop to my knees watching her whole body convulse. I don't know what's going on. It's too fast. A heart attack? No, no it can be. People are supposed to vomit or clutch their chest.

A seizure? Come on Rafe you passed health with a B. What did they say about seizures? Um…hold a person down, god no. Hold their tongue so they can't swallow it. Fuck I think that was one of the myths.

Time them. Time! I look at my watch.

Call 911! Fuck where is my phone? _You broke it asshole._

I check Olivia's pocket still no phone.

Shit she has a small cut above her eye.

"Please stop. Mom!" To my surprise she does. Her whole body relaxes. "Mom?"

The sound of gurgling, no, snoring is her only response. She's breathing funny.

"Mom?" I put my hand on her chest. At least her heart is beating.

I need to call 911 but I don't want to leave her alone.

"Olivia! I know you're up here."

I crawl to the door, yelling for Doc. "Jaime! Out here."

In a few leaps she down beside me, checking over Olivia. "What happened?"

"We were talking and she fell and was shaking and she won't wake up." I feel my heart beating a hundred miles a minute. "Is she okay?" I practically climb up Jaime's back to see what she doing.

"Give her some room." She pushes me off her back and digs in her pocket puling out her phone. "Here call 911 her bp is low, probably caused the seizure."

"Ms. Spencer I'm here."

Who the fuck is that? I crawl back of to the door way.

"911 how can I help you?"

"Hello 911. I need help, my mom had a seizure the doctor says dp is low."

"Bp." Jaime corrects me.

I lean into the room waving the woman out to the balcony. "We are at the Beacon Hotel on Main Street in the penthouse."

"What happened?" The woman falls beside Jaime rechecking her.

"She had a seizure, looks like she hit her head." Jaime points at the small cut.

"I bet it's the medication, she was supposed to see me today so I could change it."

"Wait who are you?" I crawl on the other side of Olivia. For some reason I need to be here to protect her just in case this is some nut.

"Jackie Rooks, cardiologist." She looks down at Olivia holding her finger to her neck. She pulls out her doctor light lifting Olivia eyes lids. She mumbles like doctors do, looking for what don't know. "Um…" She looks at Jaime not knowing her name. "Can you hold her arm?"

Jaime does, while she pulls out a needle injecting the clear liquid into Olivia's arm.

"That should help her pressure."

We sit there for what seems like hours before the paramedics come in.

At least they have the sense enough to take the back way. As soon as we hit the ground floor we walk down the back hallway to the parked ambulance behind the building.

"I'm riding. I'm her son."

The female paramedic nods as they roll the bed in the back.

"I'll meet you there."

"I'm going to ride." The new doctor hops in beside me. "I'm her doctor."

We finally pull off headed to the hospital. The doctor doesn't seem worried so I figure there wasn't much to worry about, but they turn the sirens on anyway.

Ma is going to so pissed when she finds out.

**Natalia**

I hear the sirens before I see the lights and immediately pull off to the side of the road.

"Ma what happened?" Alex presses his face to the window.

"I don't know sweetie but always pull over when an ambulance is coming, you never know who is in it." I pull at the cross around my neck kissing it with a silent prayer. O Father of mercies and God of all comfort, our only help in time of need: We humbly beseech thee to behold, visit and relieve thy sick servant. Look upon _them _with the eyes of thy mercy; comfort _them_ with a sense of thy goodness; and give _them_ patience under _his_ affliction. In thy good time, restore _them_ to health, and enable _them _to lead the residue of _their_ life in thy fear, and to thy glory; and grant that finally t_hey_ may dwell with thee in life everlasting; through Jesus Christ our Lord. _Amen._ I kiss the cross one more time.

"Kids say a prayer for the person." I watch in the rear view mirror as all three of them bring their hands together and close their eyes.

I pull back on to the road debating if I should stop by the hotel to see Rafe and Olivia.

I decide against it. There's three loads of laundry that have to be done and cookies that have to be baked for Emma sleep over tonight. So many things so little time.

"Last week seemed tense for no reason, mainly between Rafe and Olivia. They know something and they're not telling me what."

"You said that already." Blake says smacking on something in the phone.

I know she's tired of me complaining, she just doesn't see what I see. Olivia is almost normal out and about but when we get home she seems run down; and the tenseness between them at dinner last week. I try not to think about it. The possibilities run through my head uninvited. Maybe Rafe has the drug problem, but his grades have gotten much better since he start working with Olivia. Or maybe I'm just over reacting; they could be planning a surprise party.

"Are you going to say something or did you call me just to hear me breathe." I almost forgot I was holding the phone.

"I'm sorry Blake. I'm just putting these clothes in the washing machine. Olivia got gravy all over her pants." I still don't know how she does it. She can't go a day without wasting something on her shirt or pants.

"Anyway Doris said that maybe we're over reacting. Maybe Olivia is just tired."

I pick up Olivia's pants checking the pockets. "Sometimes I think that but you should see her. Some mornings she won't get out of the bed. She get out of bed in the middle of the night and sometimes she doesn't even come home, claiming she was too tired to drive ho…oh god" I pull some loose change out and a tiny bag full of powder.

"Natalia what's wrong?"

"I found…a bag of white powder in her pocket." I try not panicked.

"What kind?"

"Baby powder, what do you think?" I'll apologize later for the snap.

"So what's next?" Blake asks and I wish I knew.

"So I called this meeting to talk to everyone about Olivia." I sit at the head of the table. "Father Ray couldn't make it so it's just us." I look at our friends Doris, Blake, and Lindsey. I would have called Bailey or Johnny but I know they are busy or will go straight to her with it. I want to do this right. We need an intervention.

**Olivia**

The sound of a constant beep arouses me out of my sleep. It was such a good sleep.

The first thing I notice is something over my face. My hand feels heavy like I'm trying to move through molasses.

"Mom? She's awake." I hear Rafe voice.

What the hell happened?

"Mom, open your eyes."

I finally manage to open both my eyes, staring into the worried eyes of my first son.

"Olivia do you remember what happened?" Jackie stands on the other side of my bed.

"I'm in the hospital." I focus on my surrounding trying to remember what happened. "I had a seizure."

"Right." She picks u what I can only guess is my chart. "The medication made your blood pressure drop which caused you to have a seizure."

"You okay?" I look at Rafe who has tears in his eyes.

He nods his head. "You scared me."

"Sorry about that." I take his hand in mine. "So when can I leave?"

"I want to monitor you over night." Jackie says with a little hope in her voice.

"No."

"I knew you would be difficult a brought a heart monitor for you to wear. And…" She holds up her finger before I can protest about the monitor. "I've written you a new prescription that needs to be filled tomorrow. No argument or I will have you strapped to this bed for the rest of your treatment."

"She'll do it." Rafe takes the paper out of her hand. "You'll do it, right…for me?"

Oh that is not fair. He's using the kicked puppy eyes. "Yes."

"Works every time." They high-five over my bed.

"I can already see it is going to be good to have you on my team."


	7. That Dance We Do? 2013

**Warning- contains scene of sexual assualt**

**That Dance We Do?** 2013

Natalia

It's taken me months to even begin to write this speech. It was hard, detailing my marriage to Nicky. If my speech a can help one person get out of a relationship then it was worth all the time. I ball up the 10 page speech throwing it in the trash can. It's not good enough, not detailed enough or maybe too detailed. I don't know what to focus on, recovery or the ordeal.

I hear Olivia enter the room flopping on the bed. She just returned from a trip out to the hotel in California. She hired a new manger. Tonight she was late getting home, just walking in the door not two minutes ago.

I know she is tired since she has been back the nightmares have been constant along with the headaches.

I had already put Emma to bed. But like always Rafe had to stay up to see her before he slept.

She sighs.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask out of mostly habit. I have to at least get this intro finished or I'll never be able to finish it. I put my pen to the paper letting my hand do all the work. Maybe if I free write something will sound good and I can build off of it.

"Nothing I just miss you."

I give her a quick smile.

"You need any help."

"No I think got it." Absent mindedly I scratch out the first few sentences. I slam the pen down on the notebook. God, why can't I concentrate? It's this room; it's suffocating me, draining me of any thoughts other that lying in bed with Olivia.

"Do we still have to have brunch in the morning?"

"Yes, Olivia." I get up from my seat walking over the bed, starching out beside her."We promised remember."

"No, I remember you promising while I was away." She throws her arm over my midsection.

"Like I said we. Plus if I have to go to that stupid fundraiser then I think you can go to breakfast with your friends." I kiss her before she can protest. "Anyway, about Rafe's birthday. Most of the children replied to the R.S.V.P. But I want to make sure you will be back in time."

See props herself you looking me in the eyes. "Don't worry; nothing can go wrong to keep me from coming home to you." She leans down kissing me soft leaving me hungering for more. "Plus we have a fundraiser to go to."

I groan hating those things.

"I know but we'll only be there for an hour or two."

"That's what you said last time and we were there for four hours." I pull her on top of me itching to pull our clothing off so she can make it up to me again.

"I didn't exactly hear you complaining that morning." She grins down at me, her eyes shining with lust.

I open my legs letting her body slip between them. "I wonder why."

"I would be happy to show you." Her hand slips under my shirt sending my brain into overdrive.

"MA!"

Don't do it Rafe. Go to sleep, go to sleep.

Rafe runs into our room out of breathe. "Mom!"

Damn it.

"Yea Rafe." Olivia rolls off of me, sitting up.

Rafe shifts from foot to foot in the doorway looking like a very insecure little boy.

"Come here Superman." Olivia holds her arms out for him. Like he was under a spell he glides across the floor into her arms hugging her around the neck. "Good night Superman." She kisses the side of his head, giving him one last squeeze.

Rafe takes a step back looking at us with chocolate eyes full of questions. "Do I have to go to camp? I want to stay here with you."

"Rafe you said you wanted to go to camp with Brittany. Plus we'll visit you." I answer knowing Olivia will give in to his every request. Camp will be good for him. He doesn't have that many friends at school. He needs to do more than follow Olivia around for the rest of his life.

"But I want to stay here with you." He leans into Olivia knowing she's the weak one She can't resist his eyes.

I pull him to me seeing Olivia about to break. "You will have so much fun you won't want to come home." I take a deep breathe knowing he still thinks so little of himself. "Rafe you are a smart handsome little boy who will eventually grow into a man. Everyone is not going to like you, some people might even hate you just because but you can't let those people dictate your life. I promise if you just be you, there will be kids lined up to be your friend. I'll tell you what." I turn him so he is facing me "If we call the first week and you are not having a good time we will come get you and that will be that."

He nods his head. "Goodnight."

"I love you." I say as he crosses the threshold.

"I love you too." He throws over his shoulder.

"You are way too soft." I laugh at Olivia who still looks like she is about to move earth to please him.

"Yea, let's see if you say that in an hour or so." She gets up closing the door.

**OLIVIA**

"Mom."

I open my eyes from a very peaceful sleep staring at Rafe. If he weren't my son I would have cussed him out right about now. But this is our time, our routine. Some of the time I meet him coming through the door from working out but most time he wakes me from a good sleep on the couch.

"Ma will be up in a little." I watch him walk away with the newspaper under his arm.

I got up at my normal time only to get dressed and in the car before calling Grace and informing her not to make the drive for my workout session this morning.

Instead I came back inside and fell asleep on the couch. Who the hell works out a 5 in the morning anyway? She gets paid either way, so it no sweat off her brow.

Somehow I manage to push myself up from the couch following him into the kitchen. I pull out the eggs and the pancake batter.

He starts the coffee maker, pulling out the bowls and plates.

As soon as the coffee is finish I pour us both a cup before joining him at the table. I read the business section as her read the comics while he sips at the hot beverage.

"Switch." He says handing me the comics and taking the business page. I watch him over the paper as he pretends to be interested in words on the page.

I can't help but laugh as he turns the page shaking his head at the lack of pictures.

"Alright let's get started."

Just like I taught him he pours out the rest of his coffee cleaning the cup and placing it back in the cabinet. Natalia doesn't like it that I let him drink it but it's our thing so I just don't do it in front of her.

I stand over the stove while he mixes the batter for the pancakes. "So your birthday is coming up pretty soon. You excited?"

"I guess." He shrugs his shoulders. "Do I still get to have my pool party?"

Last week he almost got suspended from school for fighting. Natalia threatened to cancel his party but I persuaded her otherwise. He actually has been doing much better in school. Even the teachers have noticed, but I still want to put him in private school, not only do they go to school more year round but they graduate early too.

"As long as you behave for the remainder of the school year."

"Yes, ma'am. I am." Rafe begins to crack the eggs. "I got an A on my project."

"Is that why you were fighting?"

"Billy said it was stupid that I wanted to be like you. He said you were an addict. I told him to shut up but he wouldn't." Rafe shrugs his shoulders.

"Rafe just because someone says something you don't like doesn't mean you get to him them." And there it is again, my past making it hard for my own family. If I were anyone else he wouldn't be having this problem.

"I know but he pushed me first, so I defended myself just like you taught me to. Can you show me some more moves?"

"Sure. Hand me the butter."

They only have about two week left for school then one week before heading off to camp.

"Mommy?" Emma stands in the door way with her pajamas twisted around her little body. She scratches her bottom trying to wake up.

"Hey baby girl how did you sleep?"

"Fine." She climbs into one of the empty chairs laying her head on the table.

Rafe shakes his head as she falls back asleep.

30 minutes later we are all waiting for Natalia to make her first appearance. She should be down in a couple of minutes.

"Again, Mommy again!" Emma jumps back on my back for another piggy back ride. Her heel dig into my sides. "Giddy up!"

My knees are killing me but I would do anything for my kids.

I never pictured my life turning out like this. After all the crap I put up with from myself and from others I never thought I could get my life back on track. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes feeling like this is all a dream, that one day I will wake up and it will all be gone.

It scares me to no end. I can't bare the thought of losing my wife my kids. It moments like those that I focus on being the perfect wife.

I make sure to make time for Rafe and Emma. I make sure to make it home in time for dinner. I make sure to get to every parent teacher conference and every ball game. I ask Natalia about her day and I listen. I really listen for any signs of trouble and watch for anything that I might be doing wrong that I can change. And I have, I have changed some much for her.

If she only knew how much I have changed. I look into her eyes and they hold so much love for me. That scares me most of all. Not only could this all be taken away but it could be my fault. As much as I watch my actions, my words, or my thoughts, I can't every second. All it would take is one slip and it could all be snatched away.

I wouldn't have anyone to blame but myself.

I know I woke her up last night even when I tried not to. I try to let her sleep without having to get up in the middle of the night to tend to my twisted mind. I know why the night terrors have started again and I know they will go away eventually; I just have to outlast them.

I have to remember all I could be losing; I was that close to sniffing it all up my nose on my trip.

As I round the island in the kitchen I hear the thump of hurried footsteps coming down the stairs.

Emma dismounts me as I spring up just in time to see a panicked Natalia standing at the door.

"Emma…she's…gone." Natalia holds her chest struggling to breathe.

"I not runned away Mommy. I not runned away." Emma walks from behind the counter hugging Natalia around her legs.

Natalia picks her up hugging her tight.

I smile at them. For the last couple of weeks Emma has been very explorative. She walks away from Natalia in stores or on the street; threatening to kill my wife from worry.

She knows when Natalia panics about her missing she is in big trouble. Not even her pouty face can get her out.

"Oh God I'm sorry baby girl. I didn't see you in your room I thought…" Natalia pulls Emma away from her neck checking her over. "Mommy is just having one of those mornings." Reluctantly she puts Emma down following her to the table. She sits Emma in her lap.

Rafe and I put the plate on the table full of hot food.

I sit down beside her worried about her reaction. I know she worries about everything under the sun, I just can't stand to see her so wound up over nothing. It makes me think that there is something else bothering her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine I just had a dream and Emma wasn't there. I just…" She hugs Emma closer.

I decide to let it go until we get the kids off to school. I guess I'll come home early to talk with her.

I bet this about my fantasy. I told her she didn't have to do it, but she said she would. We wrote our fantasies out at the suggestion of Lindsey. When I wrote it out I didn't know she wanted us to act on them. I just wrote some things off the top of my head that I would never ask her to do, but here we are.

I can't say I haven't been in her position about being nervous. Natalia definitely surprised me with some things on her list. I cheated and took a look at her next turn. I almost wish I hadn't, it involves almost total submission, not only that but handcuffs. We've tried something similar but I can't take it for too long. Even when the silk stalking started to get tight around my wrist I panic. I can't help it, being helpless is a fear of mine, not a turn on. At least I don't want it to be a turn on. What would that say about me?

"Olivia don't eat too much remember we are meeting for brunch."

**NATALIA**

The feeling of her hot breathe warming my neck is enough to send me spiraling into ecstasy with her, but I hold off.

Olivia's body clutches around my finger creating a tight silky cocoon. A deep moan from her body shakes both of us as her orgasm sets in. I want to hear her scream, I want to feel everything leave her body in one fell swoop but not here. Not in this restroom. This restroom where we have had so many quickies in is one of my favorite places, but anywhere is my favorite with Olivia.

"Baby, please." Her pleas bring me from my thoughts. I swipe my thumb over her clit feeling her body tighten even more. She bites down on my covered shoulder moaning loud enough to vibrate through my chest.

I attack her neck leaving mark after mark along the smooth column.

Olivia throws her head back trying to catch her breathe. "Oh God." I let her sag into me.

Slowly and reluctantly I extract my hand from Olivia and smooth her skirt back down.

I can't believe I just did that. We just talked about acting out in public and I go and do it. I can't help it sometimes. "I'm sorry babe." I lean my head against hers and she locks her finger behind my neck.

"Just give me a second." She clings to me, her eye still unfocused.

"No, we just talked about this and…Sometimes I just need you so much." I kiss the purpling marks on her neck, trying to sooth the burn.

"I'm not complaining." I feel her smile beside my ear.

"That doesn't excuse my actions." God what is wrong with me.

Olivia's head sways from side to side. "Your actions excuse themselves. If it were anyone else I would be might pissed off right now."

A flash of red heat travels though my body. Anyone else?

Her green eyes rake over me and I try to hide my reaction to her words. "You know there is no one else right?"

"Of course." And I do, but that little voice in the back of my head is the only thing that keeps my company late a night when we are apart and my insecurities pop up. That little voice that has recorded every overheard conversation about Olivia's past or the women who are constantly trying to get next to her. One day she might take a chance and then what. But I can only hear that little voice when I'm alone. The little voice that I ignored while things were getting worse with Nicky. It saw the first sign of trouble but I ignored it and dug myself deeper.

When we are together I mostly worry that I am not wild enough for Olivia or maybe too wild. Sure we have been working on our fantasy list and the one we are currently planning has flipped my world. It shouldn't, people do it all the time.

"Natalia." Her voice is strong while her thumb caresses the side of my face. "Is this is about that stupid fantasy?"

"I just what to satisfy you and I'm so nervous about this whole thing…but I just needed to feel you."

"Anytime you want. I'm yours for the taking and you can satisfy me just by kissing me."

Mine, mine, mine. It's all I can think of as we walk out of the restroom and back to our table.

While Doris looks uninterested in our absence Lindsey stares at me.

"It's obvious to me that we need to have a meeting of the brains." Lindsey taps the table as me and Olivia sits down.

I knew she was going to do that. I didn't think we made it that obvious.

Lindsey stands up motioning for me and Blake to follow.

"But I'm hungry!" Blake complains as Jaime slides out of the both letting her up.

I give Olivia a quick peck on the cheek before following them to another table.

Once we sit at the table I prepare myself for the on-slaughter.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Lindsey says softly surprising me. It must be written on my face because she smiles knowingly at me.

"Let's make it quick, I'm hungry!" Blake cuts in.

I shake my head ignoring Blake. "I don't know." I really don't know what is wrong with me. "I can't control myself here lately and it's becoming a serious problem." I motion for them to lean in. "I think…I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

They both give me a strange look before the burst out in a side splitting laughing.

I sit back more that peeved that they find my situation so funny.

"I'm sorry." Blake is the first to catch her breathe.

After a few seconds of my hard stare Lindsey stops laughing.

"I'm serious and you're laughing." I give them my best frown, letting them know they are bad friends.

"You're not serious." Lindsey corrects me. "Do you remember the talk we had before the wedding?"

"We had so many-"

"Dealing with you jealousy. Does that ring a bell?"

"Yes and you'll be happy to know how good I've bee in controlling it." I sit straight up more that proud of myself. Before now I couldn't stand the thought of Olivia and Doris sitting that close together; like they are now. Before I would have totally freaked if our waitress done what she did earlier but I didn't. I sat calmly; secure in the knowledge that what ever happened between them was of the past.

"You really don't see it?" Blake stares at me in astonishment.

If Blake sees it and I don't I must not be as calm and collected as previously thought.

"See what?" I try to laugh it off, but their faces are well beyond sobering. "What?"

"May I?" Blake holds her hand out stopping Lindsey from answering my question. Blake looks too excited as Lindsey gives her the go ahead. "Okay. Even I noticed this; your jealous has obviously manifested itself into lust."

"What? I-"

"Wait before you protest." Lindsey starts in, "Just a few minutes ago when you followed Olivia into that bathroom and fucked her brains out, do you know what happened?"

I choose to ignore her choice of words. "We ordered drinks."

"After that?'

"We got our drinks." I shrug my shoulders.

"Sooo you are saying you didn't notice that woman lean across Olivia's lap, seemingly trying to breast feed her." Blake raises her eyebrow, daring me to lie.

"Yes, but I didn't say anything."

"No instead you had sex in a bathroom."

"Because I wanted to."

Lindsey rotates her shoulders groaning the process. "So what did you two do after the movies the other night?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" How does it matter that we were up all night making love? What does it matter that I spent the whole night living for the moments Olivia moaned, whispered my name or screamed into the pillows? I certainly don't think it matters that much, all that matters is how connected we were and how I can still sex her into a vegetative state.

"I can almost bet my life on it that you were up all night fucking."

"Lindsey!" My ears always burn after these conversations.

"Do you want to know why? Probably because Doris kept sticking her hand in the popcorn box that was conveniently nestled between-"

"Okay, I get it." Maybe it's a little of both. Maybe I am jealous, but sex with Olivia is like air to me, I need it. Who could blame me, for both reasons?

"Come out with it Natalia, we all know that is not the only reasons." Blake impatiently taps the table with her finger. "And remember before you say 'nothing' I'm hungry."

"It's the list."

"The list, what about it, I thought you were having fun."

"I am, but this thing Olivia asked for is…it's got me off balance. I don't know if I can do it." I feel so guilty denying her this when she has been such a good sport when it comes to my list. Never has she hesitated or asked question she just did it for me and I don't know if I can do the same.

"What did she ask for?"

**OLIVIA**  
"Okay now that they are gone, tell us what's going on?" Jaime starts in as soon as they leave the table.

I look at Doris, who has a perplexed look on her face.

"What?" I ask her.

"Aren't you hungry?" Her eyebrows knit together. "Granted it was a quickie but I would be starved."

"I think I was talking" Jaime interrupts "and like I say you are the only one who has to eat after sex. Most people can go to sleep or get up and leave without raiding the refrigerator."

Doris shakes her head in disbelief. "Not even just a little?"

"Later." Jaime is one of the only people who can talk to Doris that way and get away with it. I don't know what happened while I was on my honeymoon last year but when I came back they were the best of friends.

I have a feeling they slept together but I couldn't image one of them playing submissive to the other. And I'm sure we would all still be hearing Lindsey talk about it.

"What I want to know is why is it that you just had sex and you have on your frowning face. You should be all smiles and dizzy with hormones."

"I am." I protest studying Natalia the other table. I wonder what they are talking about. I bets it's about me, maybe the fantasy, maybe it about how Natalia can over look some more of my faults.

"Can we stop with the longing looks for a second?" Jaime waves her hand in front of my face. "What's up?'

"I don't want you to get me wrong here…Sex with Natalia is great among other things-"

"Spit it out already Spencer." She growls, smoothing down her very short hair.

I take a deep breathe trying to find the courage to say the words that have been bouncing around in my head for the last few months. "Sometimes I think the only reason Natalia wants me is that other women do. Like today, people flirting with me turns her into this domineering-" I can't even describe it. "It's like she needs sex to prove a point."

"So tell her no. You have the right, just because she wants to play-"

"No it's not that." I cut Jaime off before she can get to deep in her rant. "Sometimes I do it on purpose to make her jealous. I like it, maybe a little too much."

"Now you've lost me." She sits back in her seat peeking at Doris to see if she is following me.

Right now I think she could care less about what we are talking about. Her relationship with Natalia is still non-existent, but at least she has stopped mumbling when ever Natalia's name is mentioned.

"I like that she likes to take control. It's a turn on, but then it makes me think that…" I have no ideal how to say this. I don't even know why I'm telling Jaime this, when I've can't even admit it to Natalia. I know if I tell Natalia she will freak and not want to have sex at all, when that's not what I want at all. I just want to sort out these feeling without spiraling out of control.

Some of the thoughts make me feel dirty after sex and that's not how I should feel with my wife. I should be able to sleep through the night without waking up from a nightmare. I should be able to go through the next day without wondering what she might think of me. I hope it's nothing like what everyone else thinks.

"You think what?"

"I think that, just maybe-" I look at Doris. I can see she has already read my mind and is about to protest. I hole up my hand stopping her from interrupting me. I need to get this out if only just for me. "Just maybe, that's what I've wanted all along."

"Bullshit." Doris hisses the word.

Jaime gives Doris a confused sideways glance because Doris hardly ever curses. "So you like being dominated, so what?" She exclaims satisfied with her blind observation.

I can't blame her for her statement. She doesn't know what really happened, no one does really. Even my own account gets blurry and I was there.

"Wait, am I missing something?" She leans forward, not missing the look between myself and Doris. "What!"

"Nope, isn't that right Olivia?"

"No, I'm just being silly I guess."

"You are and I know what will lift your spirits." Doris lifts her glass. The faked breasted waitress comes over about to bust out of her tight uniform shirts.

"Can I get you ladies anything?" She bounces a little too eager.

"I need a refill." Doris slides her glass to the edge of the table towards herself.

The woman laughs bending over me reaching for the glass.

I have to lean back just to miss being smothered.  
But Jaime and Doris have no shame, staring at her breast while salivating at the mouth.

As the woman stands up she knocks over Jaime's glass of water. "Oh god I'm so sorry, let me get that." She pulls a rag out of her back pocket. Her hand slips under the table to Jaime's lap and the way her arm is moving I doubt she is cleaning anything.

"Whoa, okay." Jaime laughs nervously grabbing the woman arm. "I think you got it. Yea that is good, thank you." She looks behind her at Lindsey staring daggers. "Fuck me." She whispers loud enough for the table to hear.

"When and where." The waitress says before walking off.

"I'm going to fucking kill you Wolfe." Jaime shakes her head.

**NATALIA**

I can't believe I let Olivia talk me into this…these things. I can't believe I'm going along with it.

I have to be strong; it will be over before anyone knows I was here.

I shift in my seat trying to bring some feeling back into my butt; it's gone numb from sitting in the car for so long. I take one more look in the rear view mirror. My hair is swoop up messily held by a single hair clamp. My business suit is starched clean, the loosen the tie and unbutton the top two buttons on my shirt.

Here going nothing.

I get out of the car grabbing my bag and walk up to the entrance of the establishment. I'm greeted by a big lumberjacking looking man who opens the door for me grinning from ear to ear.

Okay make that before anyone else knows I'm here.

As soon as I walking to the place a too tanned younger man jumps over the counter top.

"You must be Ms. Rivera."

I mentally scream and run out of the building. I look around to make sure no one is hiding or standing around that could have heard my name.

"Oh I mean Mrs. Henley and don't worry; here at Freaky Girls, we practice the privacy. No one is going to say anything if they know what is best for them." He punches his palm with his fist.

"Okay." The cologne he bathed in is stinging my eyes.

"And I got just what you are looking for." He winks at me before laughing. "Right this way."  
I follow him down a long hallway; with every red door we pass I feel dirtier than before.

Everything seems to be moving too fast for me, but the hall seems to go one forever.

"You'll have to excuse the new carpet smell, we just got these room built."

I hold on to the backpack straps wishing I could talk Olivia out of this. I know if I wanted to I could, then I would be going back on my word. I promised her nothing was too far for me and she has done everything I have asked even if we had to do a couple of practice runs she still got there.

"Here you are." So caught up in my thoughts I run into the back of the owner almost knocking us both over.

"Sorry." I regain my balance when I realize I'm shaking from head to toe. What if I hurt her? She said she has never done anything like this before. What if I make a wrong move and hurt her. How are we going to explain that to the doctor, or anyone for that matter?

"Thank you."

He looks at me worried for a second. "If you need anything there is a phone, just dial 101. Here is the key and have fun." He turns around walking back toward the front.

My hand is shaking so badly I can't put the key in the lock. After a coupled of deep breathes I compose myself enough to open the door.

I immediately close it behind me laying my head on the cold wood. I'm dizzy and I'm sweating. Okay, I can do this for her. Who knows it might turn out to be fun.

I jump at a hand on my shoulder.

Olivia stands in front of me with a sly grin on her face. "Hey."

"Hey." Even I can hear my voice tremble.

"You're thinking about it too much." She smoothes her hand down my arm.

"I don't want to hurt you." I try to reason with her as she pulls me further into the room.

"Shh. If you really don't want to just say so. But if you are just scared that's okay too, I'm a little scared too." Olivia takes the bag off my shoulder, setting it at out feet. "But I won't make you do it."

I stare in her eyes getting lost in them. "The thing is…"

"I bought this for you." She cuts me off stepping back. That's when I realize she is in a robe which she drops to the floor along with my face.

She has on a dark red fishnet garter dress complete with attached thigh high fish net stocking with no underwear.

"Oh God." I almost swallow my tongue trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. The dress leaves very very little the imagination. Her breast strain against the material, calling my name. I want to reach out and touch her, but my motor skills have disappeared.

"Oh God." That's all I can say.

Olivia laughs. "You already said that."

I dumbly nod ready to kill in cold blood if she asked at this point. I want to release those beautiful twins. They want me to too.

"Natalia, look at me."

I am.

"Natalia, look at me." She says a little more sternly.

With every ounce of will power I tear my eyes away from her chest long enough to look her in the face.

She moves closer until she has me pinned against the wall. I can already feel the heat of her chest presses against mine.

"It's a yes or a no answer." She leans in; her tongue feels like a feather tracing my ear.

The arousal makes me dizzy, as the blood rushes from my brain to much lower parts of my body. I take hold of her hip just to stay upright. "I-I don't want o hurt you."

"Then you won't." Her tongue makes it way around my ear again. "Come on." She walks backwards pulling me to the purple couch. "Sit."

Finally, I didn't know how much longer I could stand. My eyes immediately glue to her perfect ass as she walk to the small stage at the front of the room.

"Mrs. Henley, you came back." Her voice is light and high pitched.

It's the stripper game. I'm Mrs. Henley with a wife. A wife with no name. I should give her a name if I'm going to cheat on her. I wonder why she doesn't have a name. Mh.

Olivia is Cherry a stripper who is paying her way through school.

The game was her ideal and somewhere along the way we started to play it more often.

I love the game, it's dirty and fun. I just hate what happens after and sometimes during. Olivia always has this far away look on her face that I can't decipher and she won't talk about it.

So many emotion swirl around in her eyes it's hard to pick on out. It's my fault we haven't talked about it, well kind of. Anytime I bring it up she makes me forget with her very skilled hands. Before I know it I'm pushing into her.

"I had to my wife has been getting on my nerves." I pull the tie looser around my neck. "You're the only thing that can make it better."

Seductively she steps onto the stage swaying her hips as she dances slowly around the pole.

I move to the end of the couch wanting so much to join her on stage. I hate foreplay unless I'm the one administering it.

"I hope you brought more money." I swear my heart stops when Olivia grabs the pole crouching low to the floor. "Tuition is due."

She wraps one leg around the pole twirling around it with ease.

With that move I can't take anymore. I lean back my legs opening wider on their own accordance. As much as I like the show she is putting on and it's obviously she has been practicing, I want her now.

"Cherry come here." I summon her with my hand.

She shakes her head continuing her work on the stage. "No touching the entertainment."

My core is throbbing with need watching her slide against the pole.

A triumphant grin graces her face while I sit in pain.

Two can play that game. I kick my shoes off and unbuckle my pants.

Her movement stalls for a second daring me to continue.

I unbutton my shirt letting it fall open.

She counters by wrapping one leg around the brush metal and grinding against it.

I watch her sliding one hand down the front of my slacks.

"Mrs. Henley." She sings my name, still wrapped around the pole. "What are you doing?"

"Enjoying yo-your show." I stutter at the first contact of my finger with my soaked sex.

"You are supposed to be watching." She stands straight up her eyes focused on my hidden hand.

"Trust me I am, keep going." I swipe my fingers over my clit. The all consuming build of a mind blowing orgasm is already present. I dip lower bring more moisture to the tip of my engorged nerve.  
I kick the slacks off annoyed by the restrictions and giving her a better look.

Olivia's eyes are glued to my hand.

I catch her eyes staring deep into them. Her eyes travel back to my hand buried between my legs. I turn more towards her giving her the best view as I slide two of my finger deep inside of myself.

"Right there." I hear her whisper breathlessly in the silent room.

It's a struggle to keep my eyes opens as I work myself over. It is all I can manage; I need her to touch me. She knows where my spot is even when I don't. She can always find it. I make a show of pumping in and out of myself. I even curl my finger like Olivia does still to no avail. I use my thumb to stroke my needy bundle of nerves. That definitely pushed me further, but not where I want to be.

"If you want more money you'll come over here and finish." My voice trembles sounding foreign to even me.

"You're a cheat." I hear Olivia say before I feel her between my legs. She slides my panties off my leg and with one tug she has my legs over her shoulders. Her hand runs the length of the outside of my thigh.

I think I might lose it, just from her touch.

I feel her tongue lick the back of my knuckle as I continue to thrust into myself.

I won't beg, I won't beg.

Her hand lies firmly over mine stopping my movements while her other hand controls my hips.

"Pl-" I stop myself from begging for her to touch me just once. This is the game we play with each other, who will break first. Most of the time it is me but tonight I have to be strong. But God I need her so much.

"You're so stubborn sometimes you only hurt yourself."

I try to think of a good comeback but I know if I open my mouth please will escape with a long line of pleading.

She pulls my hand away; I only resist a little knowing she will be more efficient.

My hips jerk at the contact of my lips just above bundle.

"Say it."

I'm not going to give in tonight. "No." I can do this all night. I try to restart my own ministrations.

Olivia pins my hands to my sides. Sometimes I forget how much stronger Olivia is than me; still I struggle just little.

"Just say it."

No. My resolve almost breaks when I feel her blow a stream of cool air across the overheated skin.

"You know you want to." Her tongue cleans the inside of my thigh, leaving me even more frustrated.

"Come on Cherry don't be a tease." As soon as the words leave my mouth I kick myself.

Instantly I feel her jerk between my legs. Her grip on my wrists loosens enough for me to get free.

Even in my delirium, I know I've made a big mistake. I try to sit up but Olivia is on me kissing me hard enough to leave bruises. With no more tease she presses on my clit trying to make me forget.

I manage to break free hugging her body to mine, trapping her arms.

Olivia struggles trying to get her arm free.

"Olivia, Stop!" I tell her firmer trying not to damage the night any further.

She stops going stiff as a board. "Not now."

"What?"

"Tomorrow, but not now." Her breaths come slower past my ear.

"I'm sorry." I slide my hands up into her thick hair, pulling her back to face me. "Okay?"

Olivia nods her head.

"Come here." I sit both of us up. I slide down on my knee to the floor. "Let me take care of you." I crawl between her legs looking in her eyes. I need to know if we should keep going or stop and try again some other time. Surprisingly she smiles, the words I spoken forgotten.

The sight of her breast never ceases to turn me into a teenaged boy.

Her dark rose color nipples have found a hole to peek through in the fishnets. I lean forward taking one strained piece of flesh in my mouth.

Olivia hands tangle in my hair pulling into her.

I suck and flick the taunt peak spurred on the moans of its owner. I make sure both peak receive a great amount of attention before turning my attention somewhere else.

I pull Olivia closer to me until her hips are hanging off the couch. Olivia begins to rock against my stomach leaving a wet trail in her wake.

I take her hands in mine raising them above her head. I move up just enough to find her mouth. She moan into my mouth as her pace gets faster against me.

Reluctantly I pull away from her talented tongue. "Slow down, baby."

"I can't." She pants arching harder into me.

I crawl back disconnecting our bodies.

"Wait," She sits up trying to pull me back.

"Cherry."

Olivia pouts but holds back.

I let go of her hands. "Turn around."

Ever so slowly she obeys kneeling on the couch, but I can still see the smirk on her face. "Why?"

I take a deep breathe before retrieving the back with all the toys. The harness's attachment is much smaller than normal, it had to be. Second I pull out the 7 inch purple phallus. "Because. Now be quiet." I say with a more steady voice while my hands shake so bad it takes me a minute to put on the harness and another to adjust the straps. The last thing I get out if the lube, green apple scented.

"Admit it you can't look at me while we fuck." Olivia is still bent over her hands bracing herself on the back of the couch. "After all you might see her."

I open my palm lightly smacking her rear end. She squeaks but stays ass up. "Don't mention her."

"I'm sorry." Olivia's hips sway.

"You've angered me Cherry. Maybe I should leave." I run my hand over the fishnet dress down her back.

"No please." She starts to turns until I grunt. She stops at the sound. "No please, stay with me tonight."

"Why?" I make sure everything is in place.

"I'll make it worth you're while. I promise." She pokes her ass out further giving me the perfect look at her wet sex.

"This is what you want?"

"I want to please you."

"Good answer." I still my nerves. "You ready?" I ask mostly to myself.

"God yes." It's so cute how she wiggles in anticipation.

"Ok." I set the lube and the extra phallus on the couch beside us.

"Spread your legs." She does instantly. I stand behind trying to decide where I should start.

I run my hand under her from the top of her slit to the end and finally to my destination spreading the wetness. "How many others do you service?"

"Just you." Olivia moves back searching for more contact. "Please." She begs, stilling my nerves just a little more.

"Are you lying?" I stand behind her taking the small attachment in my hand. With deliberate slow teasing movements I push at Olivia's entrance, make sure to keep the penetration shallow no matter how far she pushes back.

Her breathe hitches with every drive forward. "u-h"

"Breathe Cherry."

She takes a deep breathe letting it out loudly.

"That's it." I push into her all the way, faster. It's always a surprise how fast I get lost in our rhythm. It feels so good all I can think about is how good it's going to be to come inside of her. I stroke harder our hips colliding, her hair jostling with every collision.

She starts to moan, high pitched loud moans. The one that can make me wet in the middle of church.

"Quiet." I order, fucking her harder. "My wife is in the next room." In my head the scenery changes to a hotel room with adjoined rooms. "Don't wake her up."

I wind my hand in Olivia's long hair pulling her head back so I can see her biting her lip. The moans still escape her throat but not as loud. "Did you hear me?"

She nods her head digging harder into her lip.

Her knuckles turn white from her grip on the back of the couch.

I let her hair go pulling out of her fully.

"No please." Her head whips around.

"What did I say?"

"I'm sorry." She drops her head between her arms.

The small dildo is practically drips with her heat. "Look what you did."

She turns around her eyes darker that I thought possible. "Should I clean it off?"

"Clean it off?" She knows I don't like that. It's not a turn on in play or in our bedroom. "No, just hope it last when I'm fucking you."

She licks her lips smiling turning around again. "But that is extra."

"Don't worry I have the money, that's what you care about right?" I pick up the purple phallus teasing her slit with it.

"I care about-" I push it into her before she can finish. "Ahhh. Yes!"

"If you wake her up-" I leave the rest of the sentence floating through the air. I'm speechless. Olivia is riding the dildo like I've never seen.

I push it to the hilt leaving it there. I reposition myself behind her wrapping my hand around her waist to guide the dildo in and out of her.

With one hand I flip the top off the lube spreading it on the already lubricated extension. The bottle is long forgotten at I tease her back entrance with one finger. Olivia jumps at the contact before pushing back.

Making sure there is enough lubrication to grease a car engine I slow push my finger past her tight barrier.

She moans louder, stilling her hips for just a second.

I pull out working it back in up to my second knuckle. Her breathe hitches as I move deeper inside of her wiggle my finger.

"Fuck." She whispers over and over again. I know she's close.

I slow pull my finger out then the purple dildo and place both my hands on Olivia hips. I try to shake my nervousness. I read a lot of thing online, a lot; everything that could go wrong in anal sex; bleeds, tears, infections.

She wants this and I'll be damn if I'm not going to give it to her. "Ready." I take hold of the small attachment guiding it around her opening waiting for her answer.

"Cherry?"

I wait for her to say something anything, yes, no, maybe.

The clock on the wall ticks get louder.

Did she change her mind? Is this part of the game or have we paused. "Olivia?"

"Yes." It sound like said it through clenched teeth.

"Wait."

"No. Don't. Just...yes I want you inside of me. Take me." She pushes back against me.

Now it's my turn to become silent. This game confuses me, I never know if we are playing or not.

"Please fuck me Mrs. Henley. I want to be your good girl." Olivia says with more conviction all the while rocking back against me.

"Be still." She obeys as I slowly slide the purple dildo back into her centre and I prod the attachment into her virginal channel.

She moves forward until her thighs are pressed against the back of the couch.

Her hips jerk as another high pitched moan escapes.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." She breathes biting into her lip again. I pull her hips back to me, leaving enough room so I can take hold of the other lodged phallus.

Very carefully and slowly I start to move inside of her. After a few strokes Olivia start to move with me with more force.

"Fuck me." She demands.

I hold back. I know how I tend to lose control. I don't want to do that not now, but I speed up just a little, I work both dildos in and out of her making sure to come in contact with her clit.

"So good, so good." She pants pushes back into me.

My fear starts to vanish as the feeling of an impending orgasm starts to build in my stomach.

I angle the purple dildo in her to the left then the front, then to the left again.

"Oh fuck." She strains to speak crawling forward again; my arm is pinned between her and sofa. Hoping it will be enough for her I grab her shoulder with my free hand and work into her. I push into her ass imagining how tight it must be. I pull the attachment almost all the way out before pushing into her.

Her moans get louder almost screams. "Yes, yes." She her grabs hold of the harness straps around my hips pulling and pushing me.

I work my trapped hand as much as possible filling her from both entrances.

"Shit,shit,shit." A few sexy whimper sound through the room before Olivia is climbing up the back of the couch. I pull her back onto me, fucking her for all I'm worth. Her body stiffens, but I keep at it until she throws her head back screaming my name over and over again. Not Mrs. Henley but my name. Finally I sink into her letting her ride the orgasm out at her own pace.

Her whole body jerks, shuddered and twitched before Olivia slumps down.

The sweat rolls between her shoulder blades soaking into the material.

"That's what you wanted?" I say pulling out of her, one then the other.

"God yes."

"The way I see it you should be paying me." In expert time I switch the small attachment for larger one.

Olivia still hasn't moved her breathing fast and unsteady. "I bet your wife doesn't let you do that."

"You know what else she doesn't do?" I sit on the couch beside her.

"What?"She moves straddling my lap. She places a single finger at the tip of the rubber phallus sliding her sex up and down the length. I move with her.

"She doesn't take me like you can."

Olivia leans forward. "You like how I can take it all." She licks the side of my neck. "Just admit it Olivia is not good enough for you. You like how much of a slut I am." Her voice turns hard, not Candy's innocent voice but angry Olivia.

I get the feeling we are not playing anymore. At least I don't really want to play a game with name calling. And I don't want my fake wife to have her name. "Olivia." I try to gain some space but she resist. Olivia raises up sliding down onto the dildo, effectively cut off all though pattern.

I forgot what I was going to say. Fuck. Olivia rotates her hip clock-wise then counter clock wise.

"You're so easy Mrs. Henley."

Oh right the game. "Maybe you're just good at what you do." I try to keep up with her pattern but it changes too fast. Every time I think I have it under control Olivia moves different way preventing me from reign in my orgasm. If I don't do something this all will be over too fast.

"I'll take that as a compliment." She leans back whipping her hair to one side. Her breasts bounce in my face tempting me.

I can't take it anymore. I grab her hip pulling them back and forth, every other push I stroke her engorged clit making her shiver.

Olivia falls forward her breathe hitched as we share the same space.

"God that's it." I grit my teeth trying to stave off the impending explosion. "Come on Cherry be a good girl and make me cum."

There it is. That flash in her eyes that I can't comprehend but it's gone in a second and she grind harder in to me. She laying her face in the crook of my neck and every whimper, moan, and plea for me to cum pushes me closer.

The tightening begins all the way down in my toe. I squeeze her hip harder making her stay still while I pump into her. I know I feel my heart stop, the blood slowing to an almost stop before a tide wade of rushing blood fills my ears. I try to concentrate on just breathing. After a long while my sense come back, first my hearing, the smell and the taste of sex in the air, I blink the black dots out of my vision, finally I start of feel Olivia still moving her whimpering becomes louder.

"Please, I need-"

I shake the cob webs out of my head trying to catch up to with the lost seconds.

"Right there, please."

"It's up to you Cherry, if you want it get it." I stay still as she rides me. Giving her a little help I place two fingers on bundle of nerves, not applying any real pleasure, more teasing.

Olivia grabs my shoulder as she pushes herself into my fingers. Her grip gets tighter, her hip jerk in an uncontrolled fashion. "Yes."

I smooth my free hand around her hip finding her tight ass still plenty lube. Without much warning I insert one finger into her.

She jumps but sits back further onto the single digit. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck." Her body spasms around my finger pulling it in deeper. "Oh God." She shutter on top of me trying to escape the intense pleasure of my two fingers only burying my single finger deeper.

I feel her spasms start to weaken. She slumps down on to me.

One more won't hurt.

I began to rock my hips, slowly I work another finger inside of her stretching her once virgin anal passage. "Tell me how much you like it."

"Yes." Her hand catches my wrist before I sink them in past the second knuckle, but I can tell she loves it.

She rocks faster than before. In less than a minute she pushes away from me impaling herself on my fingers. I push my fingers in deeper and her body began to constrict again.

She opens her mouth but nothing comes out but a strangled cry from a hoarse throat.

I wrap my arm around her back just in case she falls back, gently I pull her forward. Without any resistance she lays back onto my shoulder. I can feel her abs clench and unclench against mine. Every muscle in her body jumps from the electrical miss firings of her brain. Her body squeezes my finger tights contracting around them.

That was wow. We definitely should have done this earlier. God if I had known double penetrate would make her like that.

I wait for everything to calm before pulling my fingers out of her.

"Olivia, sweetie." I try to crane my neck to look at her but she is dug deep into it.

I feel some wet slip down my shoulder.

God I hope that is spit and not tears.

The weight of her on top of me is becoming uncomfortable with the harness on. "Olivia what's wrong?"

Gradually she gets up to her knees with a groan before coming to sit beside me.

I sit up straighter trying to read her. Her eyes are red and watery.

"What's wrong?" I reach out to touch her, but she shies away, holding up her hand.

All of a sudden I feel silly sitting here with a fake raging hard on and my wife crying. I stand up giving her some space. I take the harness off cleaning up the room watch her as I move. I tuck everything into the small black bag before sitting back on the couch beside Olivia.

At least she is not crying any more; she hasn't said anything either.

"Thank you."

"What?" Did she just say thank you?

"Thank you." Olivia stretches out on the couch laying her head in my lap. "I know you didn't want to do it."

"I would do anything for you." I comb my fingers through her hair for a few silent minutes. Do I want to ruin the night or save it for the morning? We need to talk now. "Olivia, I did want to talk about what you said earlier." I wait for her to say 'tomorrow' but it never comes.

I look down and she is passed out sleep. The only reason I'm not fretting is because she has a smile on her face. That has to mean everything is okay for now.

I need to talk to her before we get too busy this summer.

**THE NEXT NIGHT**

God I don't know why I let Olivia drags me to these parties. I hate them. The people are a bunch of snobs that get together to be snobbish.

I can't even count how many times I'm been disrespected just because of my ethnicity.

I would much rather spend a Sunday night with a large pizza and my favorite people.

"You look great babe." Olivia walks up to the vanity patting my shoulder. Of course she thinks I look good she picked this dress out and the earring and the necklace and the shoes.

I watch her in the mirror. After a year of marriage I have come to know Olivia's moods. Especially the bad ones. Right now she is anxious about everything, her appearance, my appearance and our appearances. She always opts for the pants suit with suspenders instead of the skirts that I love so much. Gotta be one of the boys to play, after all it's their club.

There is a gnawing my stomach and not because of this party. It's because of last night and this morning.

When we got home last night we hardly slept. As soon as Olivia head hit the pillow the nightmares started. We were up and down all last night. She was so distraught this morning I didn't dare bring up what she said last night. But as the day wore on she seemed to come back to reality. And now like some miracle she's fine, like nothing happened. I expected it but it can be jarring because I know she's not fine. She's struggling with herself and I don't know why or how to stop it. I just trust when she is ready she will confide in me.

"You ready?"

"Almost." I put on my earrings, taking one last look in the mirror. They are too much, fake diamonds would have looked just as good. She knows I hate to show off. People shouldn't have to show others how much they are worth, these people know the other has money I don't know why they have to show it.

Olivia's reputation precedes her and I think that is one of the reasons she is so nervous. She is painfully aware that everyone is judging her for her old days. I know she has had her share of women and drugs, maybe even public episodes, but it's not like these people are squeaky clean. The men cheat on their wives and the women will use any excuse to send their kids away that they hardly love in the first place. And their kids are worse; they act out in public just to get their parents attention.

While Olivia is almost begging to join their club I'm running as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I've been unhappy and I don't want to go back to that. It's a sad existence.

I see the fake smiles, the hollow laughter, and the hate filled stares directed at the men who drink and smoke too much.

The worst part is they don't even try to hide the affairs. The wives know but they stay for the prestige and the money. Money will never be that important to me. My life, Rafe, Emma, and Olivia those are the thing I hold close to my heart and would lay down my life for.

"We're going to be late."

"We have plenty of time Olivia." I get up walking to her. She is a ball of energy. "Calm down." I smooth my hand her fidgeting hands.

"The limo isn't here yet and it's going to take an hour to get here then probably another 30 minutes-"

"Shh." I place my hand over her mouth. "We will make it in plenty of time now come on and you need to relax." I pull her out of the room and down the stairs.

"I hope everything goes right. Natalia if I can get on this committee so many doors will open up. I have to make a good impression."

"You will just be yourself and everything will be fine. And if they decide otherwise it's their lost."

"But the money-"

"We don't need it. All I need is you."

**OLIVIA**

God this party is boring. I'm sleepy and agitated. Sleep didn't come last night not for long any way. The nightmares pushed their way into my dreams. They were new but they were all the same, just different faces.

These assholes in front of me run some of the largest investment firms in the U.S and all they can talk about are the maids they're banging. The asshole next to me cracks another seriously unfunny joke, but I force myself to laugh. It's what they do. They laugh at everything everyone says. I cover up my grimace by sipping my water.

Natalia isn't even making an effort. She has 5 women around her and everyone is laughing except her. I understand she doesn't like fundraisers, hell I don't either. If it weren't for this board opening I wouldn't have even responded to the invite. But I want this so I can secure our future. The money I could make from this deal is ridiculous.

"Mrs. Spencer?"

"Sorry." I shake my head, pulling my attention back to their conversation.

"Aw, fellas leave her alone she is obviously preoccupied by that pretty little wife of hers." They all laugh.

I can only force a smile. I see they way they look at her, in their eyes she will never be on their social level but she is good enough for them to eye fuck every time I turn my head.

The younger man standing across from me laughs at himself before speaking. "You're lucky. I told my wife yesterday the minute she gets fat its over with." They laugh patting him on the shoulder.

"What do you care?" Jack Richardson, who has never worked a day in his life, throws his arm around the guy. "You're with Marcy most of the time anyway. And newsflash, she's already fat."

On cue everyone laugh again.

I manage to chuckle showing Jack that I was playing along. He is the most important person at this party and the biggest asshole. His father is the CEO of one of the largest financial firms in the U.S. If anyone can get me in it will be him.

They all continue to laugh for no reason but to laugh.

Nothing about that is funny. Why hurt the woman you swore to love like that, then have the gall to laugh about it.

"Hey, over here." Jack waves a server over to our little group. Before I know it everyone has a drink in their hand except me.

"Olivia?" Jack repositions himself next to me grabbing the drink off the tray. "Your not going to leave us all to drink by ourselves, are you? I would hate to think you weren't a team player." He holds out the drink.

I feel like everyone in the room is looking at me including Natalia but when I look over at her she isn't. She's too busy looking annoyed.

Some how the drink ends up in my hand and I wonder how. I don't remember taking it. I look around the circle as Jack began to talking making some stupid toast that no one really agrees with but I can't hear a word he says.

The glass is burning a hole in my hand. And right now I would love nothing more than to down it and relax. Standing here I feel anything but relaxed. I know I should start listening but I can't. My ears have popped or I've went deaf but I know I haven't because I can hear the ice clink against the side of the glass.

I promised myself I wouldn't drink again. It will be two years in July. Two years since my last drink.

"Olivia?" Jack's voice snaps me out of my inner debate.

I realize he has his glass up. "To business."

I tap my glass against his as everyone begins to drink watching me over the rim of their cups.

"Well are you going to drink or not?"

I know the question is not that simple. It's more like 'are you one of us or not.'

Natalia is gong to be so disappointed or mad and she will have every right.

I know it could be a slippery slope. 'Could be' are the key words. I think over the last two years I have shown great self restraint not to fall back into old habits. Instead of doing harmful things, Natalia and I talk it out first. And I know we will talk about my reoccurring dream…when I'm ready, I'll work it out. I'm not sure where to even begin.

How do I tell my wife she is the new star of my nightmares, that she is the one holding me down? How do I tell the one person I love that she scares the living shit out of me when I wake up sweating? I won't. I'll work it out by myself. I'm Olivia Spencer former member of the wolf pack, we don't get scared and we don't need help.

I think I have grown enough to know when to stop. I know I can't with cocaine but with drinking, I'm sure I can control it. In fact I'm 100 percent sure I can stop when and if I wanted to. The only problem is convincing everyone else. They are gong to have to trust me one day.

I lift my glass. "Business." The first drop of liquid on my tongue is like hell. I almost forgot how nasty it was.

"You know my father was going on and on about how you wouldn't fit in, but I disagree. You are exactly the person I am looking for on the board. How about we find a corner to talk real business?" Jack dismisses the others.

God it's about time. "To business."

Our talk of business lasts for all of 20 minutes. I really think he liked some of the ideas I threw at him. But that was about 10 minutes ago.

The others have rejoined us. And the last thing I heard was Jack talking about banging his daughters' sorority sister over the winter break.

I made sure I could keep an eye on Natalia while we all talked. Its funny how I'm the one keeping an eye on her but I'm doing wrong. Fortunately I haven't had too many drinks. I'm still on my third. I don't plan on another.

Natalia should be proud of me. She should be a lot of things and with me is not one of them.

I can see it in everyone's eyes. They look at me with sad eyes, with pity then at Natalia like I'm holding her prisoner.

As long as they hold her opinion to herself we will be okay. One of the most important people on my side is her mother and sometimes I see the look in her eyes. I don't know what would happen if she told Natalia. I don't know if Natalia could stand to lose her mother or the kids could understand why they can't visit Nana anymore.

I hate being the one to tear everyone apart.

But it seems like that is all I do. First my parents, then my brother, then the wolf pack and now Natalia.

I hate being such a polarizing person I just want to be me. And lately it feels like I'm losing sight of just who that is.

I could kick myself for slipping last night. Last night was supposed be to be fun and adventurous. Hell I asked for it planned every last detail and still it went awry.

I guess I should have put more thought into it than how good it would feel to Natalia filling me completely.

Cherry.

Mrs. Henley and Cherry are having an affair.

Cherry is a slut; an alter ego of mine, but not really. It's just a name isn't it? It's me with a made up name. But Cherry likes things like anal sex or sex in a dark room with unknown persons.

She would like that, being forced in a dark room.

In her profession people would probably think she asked for it, a little money thrown her way she wouldn't say a word to anyone.

It's the way she dresses and flirts with people. It's the way she tells her partners she is ready then backs out at the last second; teasing. What are they supposed to do? They've been patient, very patient.

So unless she wants to be held down she should grit her teeth and go through with it.

Who knows maybe it will feel good; like last night. She almost changed her mind but I went through with it anyway.

And what does that make her. Letting someone do that to her. Would it have made a difference if they held her down or not, she probably would have liked it either way?

She's slut and everyone here knows it. I know it. Natalia knows it. She knows it with or without Mrs. Henley telling her.

Why else would she ask me how many other people she's serviced?

I wonder if while were apart she still thinks I'm cheating on her. I bet she does. I bet she sit up all night wondering what I'm doing, who I'm doing.

I bet she would love to strap me down and discipline me. But there is a problem in her plan; she's not stronger than me. She can't hold me down. Sure in the dream she can and she does, but not in real life.

I would fight her, but I wouldn't. I promised I would never lay a hand on her, so how can anyone fight without throwing a punch. They don't that's how. They lay there and take it until it's over. Would Cherry do that, she probably would, probably cry and scream through the whole process. She would pick up the money they threw on the floor. She would get dressed like nothing happen, that she didn't beg for mercy as they took what she had to give.

She doesn't deserve mercy, what's she done to deserve that. It's what happens to sluts like her. Who's going to believe her anyway? No one because she flirts with every thing, smiles when she's hurting and stops fighting. She should have kept fighting, and then maybe Natalia wouldn't think she was what she was. Cherry should keep her fucking mouth shut and be a good girl.

"Olivia?"

I jump at the hand on the shoulder. The liquid in the glass sloshes onto my hand and to the floor.

I look at it in amazement. It's red, and smells of vodka and more empty than full.

This wasn't the drink I was just holding. Did I finish the other or did I just trade?

"Are you okay?"

I look at Jack. "I think I've had enough. Excuse me." I navigate through the crowd catching a glimpse of Natalia. She's looking around, probably for me. I can't let her see me like this.

I sneak into the rest room locking myself in.

What the hell was that how did I lose so much time?

I pour the rest of the drink down the sink. I don't need it, it's grabbling my mind. I fill the glass with water gulping it down. I need to get sober.

I lift my face to the mirror and I see tear tracks. Tear tacks? I couldn't have been crying in front of them.

I grab a few paper towels dabbing at my eyes. Not only am I going to have a hangover but my eyes are going to be red from crying. Rafe's birthday is this weekend, I should be okay by then.

"Pull it together Olivia." I turn away from the mirror. My image was beginning to become distorted and I know what that turns into.

I don't want to see her. Not today. She is a victim. A victim who asked for it, a willing victim, that's not me anymore. I have the dream life; a house, wife and 2.5 kids.

"You're messing it up for what? Because of a dream that would never come true." It was dream, a dream.

I turn around looking at the person I don't want to see, she's a drug addict and a victim.

"What do I do?" I ask her, I need to know how to stop feeling like this or at least stop it from showing.

_You'll do what you always do; you'll lie until you can't lie anymore. Do what ever it takes to keep up appearance. Stop being so god damn weak._

**NATALIA**

Another hour of listening to the gossip is all I can take. And I thought Blake and Lindsey were bad.

I excuse myself politely as possible about 10 minutes ago to find Olivia. The only thing that could livin' this party up is us in a bathroom stall. I think I can get Olivia to go for it if I can find her. Then again I would much rather persuade her to go home with me; then sex…on the…definitely not the stairs again. Maybe the porch swing to by the water. Oh, the water. But definitely in the rain again; last time it started to hail and Olivia had whelps on her back for days.

"Boo!" Olivia sounds off behind me and the undeniable smell of alcohol float pass my nose.

My stomach tightens in anticipation. I turn around praying someone wasted alcohol on her shirt. But that's not the case.

Her eyes are glazed over ever so slightly. If I didn't spend every waking moment looking into them I wouldn't have noticed. I wish I didn't notice.

She smiles happily. "You ready to blow this joint."

I nod my head resisting the urge to ask her about it right here.

Instead I silently follow her outside, trying to figure out my next move. I don't know what to say. We both knew relapsing was always possible, but I don't fully know how to stop the spiral. Do I call for an intervention, or would that be too much too fast. Maybe it was one drink, just to keep up with the guys. Or maybe she has been doing this behind my back and has finally slipped tonight.

I don't want her to feel like I don't trust her or I'm ambushing her. Do I wait until the morning or now?

"Your chariot awaits you." Olivia opens the door to the waiting limo.

I stand looking at the opening then back at my tispy wife. I feel so weak right now. I feel like crying because I feel like I know where this goes, and it is nowhere I want us to go.

I've told her how the smell of alcohol affects me. I hate the smell, it remind me of so many nights with Nicky screaming in my face with the stench on his tongue.

Olivia throws her head back in frustration. "What."

I shake my head not wanting to cause a scene here. I know for a fact I'm going to cry and she is going to think that I don't trust her. But really there is nothing to trust. Olivia had, has a drinking problem. Maybe she can control it for a while but what happen when she turns it instead of me to calm her fears, ease her nightmares or loves it more that us.

Olivia closes the door stepping closer to me. She knows I'm not happy and she knows why.

I breathe out of my mouth to keep from smelling the foul odor.

"Do you really want to fight out here?"

"I don't want to fight at all." I stare down at my feet, the expensive shoes that have been hurting my feet all night are suddenly a form of comfort. I don't know why but looking at the sparkling heels glimmer in the moon light eases some of the tension out of my shoulder.

I hear her exhale loudly before she presses herself to me, tilting my chin up to look at her. "I hate to see you like this. Look at you, you got you're frowny face on." Her hand caresses the side of my face and as much as I want to lean into it I step back.

"You've been doing so well."

"It was one drink." She argues.

"That could turn into two or three-"

"It won't and it didn't!"

I try to make my point but Olivia talks over me.

"It could and then what happens."

"Listen to me, if you don't trust me just say so, but don't try to turn some small thing into the end of the world." She takes my hand pulling me to her body. "Natalia I love you."

"I love you more."

"Then trust me, when I say I know how to handle this." She looks down at me with pleading eyes. "Please, can we not do this? It was one drink. Don't you trust me?"

No "Yes."

"Thank you, now let's go home, before Rafe starts calling."

I don't know how many times I have to say it so here it goes again. Olivia is perfect. She could probably light a candle just by walking by it.

Everyone loves Olivia. She's practically invited Rafes' whole school to his birthday party. There has to be at least 100 kids here including their parents. Everyone seems to be having a good time.

I look at Emma whose splashing in the shallow pool for the small children with a few of her friends. She's so trusting sometimes, it worries me. It's a great attitude to have but not for a little girl, especially my little girl.

Emma stops playing for a second waving at me. I wave back, lounging in the pool chair. It's such a nice day. The sun is out but it's not too hot. Plus my wife is in a delicious bathing suit.

The one she initially wanted to wear I had to hide. It was far too revealing for my taste. The men at the party are already following her around with their tongues out. They would have lost their minds.

No this one 'I found' is much better. It's a green and blue swirl one piece with one side cut out. Still I had to beg her to put a tie around her waist. The way they looked at her when she took her clothes off got to me. I admit I became a little territorial but I've learned to control it as much as possible because even though they look and some try; she belongs to me. I trust Olivia so I can leave her side and not worry about the other people around catching her eye.

"Ma! Watch me!"

I turn my attention to my brave little boy who tip toes to the edge of the diving board. He tries so hard to be the brave person he thinks Olivia is. Of course Olivia jumped off the diving board so he has to.

I can see the fright on his face as he looks at the deep water below.

Brittany waits on the ladder behind him for her turn, but Rafe seems stuck.

In an all to Lindsey way, Brittany rolls her eyes walking to the edge of the board.

He gives her that look he gets from Olivia when they don't want any help, even when it's obvious they need it. He thinks he can do everything by himself.

Brittany grabs his hand and jumps off the board pulling him down into the water behind her.

I hear his distinct yelp before the water engulfs him.

He emerges, looking my way to make sure I was watching before swimming after Brittany.

"There you are."

"I've been here for almost an hour." I say to Olivia without looking her way.

"Hm, you have, yet you still haven't stripped down." She sits down besides my legs running her hand up and under my khaki shorts.

I quickly clamp my hand down on hers before she can move any higher.

Ever since we completed my exhibitionist fantasy we both have been acting out in public more and more.

"Olivia!"

"What?" She looks at me with two innocent green eyes. "Come 'ere." She stands up pulling me from my lounging position. In mere milli-seconds her eyes change from innocent to devious. Those eyes can make me melt in the middle of a snow storm.

Olivia pulls me against her, her hands playing with the hem of my shirt.

Still I can't break the spell she has over me. I'm defenseless against her actions.

"I don't know why you're so shy. You have a great body." She says as her hands move under my shirt. Her hands are hot on my back even through my bathing suit.

"I, um" I don't even know what I was trying to say. All I can think about is how I want her now.

"It's…you know how much I like to show off." She lifts the shirt pulling it over my head.

I shiver at the sudden kiss of the sun on my shoulders.

She continues talking moving closer to my ear as she hooks her thumb in the waistband of my shorts.

I try to concentrate on what she saying, but all I can hear is her breathing in my ear. Similar to every time she touches me or look at me the way she is, flashes of our escapades enter my mind.

I take hold of her shoulders to keep from falling over.

"What was it?" She asks knowing what I am thinking about.

"The car." I say the air all of a sudden to thick to breath.

She moves impossibly close; her lips brushing against mine as she talks. "What about the car?"

"Me…you."

She squeezes my hips bringing them closer to her. "Go on."

"The backseat. You were begging." I try my hardest to remember there were children around. It's the only thing that keeps me from pushing my hand between her legs.

"You like it when I beg."

For a second I catch her moving lips in a searing kissing. The flashes become more vivid pushing everything else to the back of my mind. I can see it like a movie playing; her left leg thrown over the back of the front car seat, her right leg cramped against the back window leaving foot prints on the glass.

Like it was still happening I feel her body tighten around my fingers in one last effort to pull me deeper inside of her. I flex my hand on her shoulder just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"I remember…I came so hard."

I feel a cool breeze between my legs to my over heated center. I hadn't even realized she had removed my shorts.

"Natalia?" She leans back the question in her eyes.

Please say it. Please say it.

Her voice drops an octave or two as she speaks the only words I want to hear. "Please fuck me."

"Yes." An automatic answer to any question she has ever had.

She smiles at me hugging me closer to her. "Baby you are way too easy."

"Olivia, please don't do this to me." I plead, wrapping my arms around her neck.

"Natalia."

"Okay you're right," I have no idea what she is right about but Olivia has a devilish way of withholding sex when she is mad at me for some reason. So I'll agree. "I was wrong and you were right."

"About what?" Her eyebrows peak to her hairline.

"Um, what ever I was wrong about." I smile at her with my best 'please let me fuck you eyes'.  
"So how about you let me make it up to you in the car."

"Let me think …no." She laughs at me. She actually laughs while I'm about to burst.

"You're mean."

"You're easy." She quips back pulling my back down into the chair between her legs. I curl up to her chest as she wraps her arms around me.

Its times like these I have never felt so loved. "I'm going to get you back."

"I know." She kisses the crown of my head.

Lindsey and Jaime sit in the chair next to us.

"Get a room." Lindsey huffs pulling out her sun screen lotion.

I just snuggle deeper into Olivia. If she only knew how much I want to.

"Where have you two been?" I look a Jaime who is lounged back with her shade over her eyes.

"Having sex in the car." She says with a serious face.

I pinch Olivia's side. "See they can do it?" I mumble into her shoulder.

She just tightens her hold on me.

"Hey, Olivia." I look up to see one of her business buddies waltzing over to us with that stupid arrogant smile they all wear.

Olivia raises her hand intent on shaking his but both are full of beer bottles.

"Sorry." He apologizes holding up the bottle.

I told Olivia this was a children's party not a business get together. But she insisted we have some form of alcohol for the adults which are supposed to be contained under the tent.

"Hey Jack, no alcohol out of the tent."

"Oh I'm sorry I just came to see if you wanted one." He juggles all but one bottle in his other arm, thrusting the last one out to Olivia. "After last night just thought you would have another drink with your friends over in the adult tent."

I sit up look at Olivia. Sure she said she was having a meeting with him and some other guys but she said nothing about drinking with them. I can't believe she's keeping these types of things from me and after the whole 'don't you trust me speech'.

"Sure." Olivia nervously takes the bottle.

"So just come over when you have time." Jack walks off strutting like it's his party.

"What?" Olivia shrugs her shoulders at the two confused looks from the other couple and the angry stare from me.

"Olivia you said"

"Not here." She cuts me off talking in a dangerously low tone.

"When?" I don't care they are listening. This is important. "Why?"

She gets up and for a second my heart constricts afraid she's storming but she walks to the grass pouring the contents of the bottle out. She comes back sliding behind me.

"Because if you say so then that's it. But I love you and I know what I'm doing." She massages the lines out of my forehead. "So don't worry so much. I have everything under control."

I want to believe her so bad it hurts but I can't. No matter what happens she will always be a drug addict and an alcoholic, one drink or snort away from going back.

"You trust me?"

No. "Yes."

"Good because I trust you to believe that I can do this." She takes my hand kissing my wedding ring.

I nod my head knowing that she is intentionally pulling those strings. I take a quick look at Lindsey who has a disappointing look written all over her face. Jaime shakes her head before relaxing as much as possible in the tense moment.

"So where is the birthday boy?"

So caught up in the moment I didn't even realize Doris had made it to the party, which is rare. I can usually spot her from a mile away, her and her conniving thugs.

I have tried and failed to make a connection with her. She does things on purpose to get under my skin; hugging Olivia too long, kissing her in front of me, or making gestures when Olivia's not looking. I know it's my fault because I let her, but it is just something about her that I can't stand to be around. But I'm changing, I'm changing for the better.

"Enjoying the party." Jaime shakes Doris's hand.

That's another thing that worries me. They've become the best of friends, Doris, Jaime and Olivia. I love that they are friends I just hate that Jaime likes to act like she's single, Doris is single and I know they try to pull Olivia into their little games.

Lindsey doesn't seem to mind that Jaime flirts with everything in heels as long as she doesn't touch or let them touch her.

I happen to consider both cheating. Thinking it is just as bad as doing. It means you might be looking for something you feel is missing. I don't want Olivia to feel like she is missing anything especially in the bedroom. I've taken long stride to keep up with her in the bedroom.

"Are you serious Wolfe?"

We all know that voice. Blake is on a rampage.

She comes up dangerously close to Doris's face. "You could have at least left her in the car, doesn't she have to be at Saturday school or something." Blake points towards the entrance.

Me and Olivia both lean over to see a very young woman in a very tight red dress and at least 8 inch heels standing by Johnny who looks like he is a second away from humping her leg.

"I thought we were going to be adults about this and not flaunt in front of each other."

"I am and you have some nerve, you don't think I saw you last week hanging off that asshole." Even though I know she's mad anyone else couldn't tell, her voice is calm and her face is stiff like she's had something done. Everyone knows Doris always has on her poker face even when she is steaming mad which really only happens with Blake and Olivia.

"I told you he was giving me a ride home because I had drunk too much. Nothing happen and I wasn't flirting with him." Blake pokers her finger into Doris chest keeping her voice low. "Is she the reason you called and never showed up, just to fuck with me?"

"What does it matter anyway? You are not my wife, girlfriend or significant other. So listen to me." Doris steps back taking seat at the foot of our chair. "Stop trying to control me. You can't and I won't have it."

Blake's face morphs from angry to insult. "For your information I wasn't trying to control you. It's not my fault you can't accept love from another person. All I asked of you was a little respect. You do these things on purpose…"

"So you want to tell me what's so important you can't come on vacation."

"I told you I have business to take care of else where."

I look at Lindsey who kisses Jaime before standing up waiting for the storm off. It's an unwritten rule that when one of us storms off the others have to follow. I hate it but it all about supporting a friend. I can't even count all the times we stormed off with Lindsey so she kind of owes Blake.

I try to sit up but Olivia holds me to her body. "Do you have to?"

"Unfortunately, yes. But I still love and meet me in the car in 10." Just as I was about to lean back against her I hear my name called.

"Natalia!" I jump up at Lindsey stern voice. She always has away of getting my attention and making me feels like a scolded child. I jump up just in time to join in the mean looks we direct at Doris before walking off.

That'll show her. Okay now I have 10 minutes to calm both Doris and Lindsey down before meeting Olivia.

**OLIVIA**

I watch Natalia leave, she doesn't seem too mad.

Fucking Jack can't keep shit to himself. Now Jaime and Lindsey know. As long as Doris does catch wind I should be okay.

Shit I could really use a drink right now. I wonder if I could sneak off to the corner store and get a shot. I know there is plenty of Listerine in the trunk of my car.

Shit I deserve a drink I've been doing well all week just like everyone says. Sure I've been drinking but Natalia doesn't know that. So I had to lie to her a couple of times but it is all for her own protection. And I promised to protect her from everything including me.

I'm Olivia Spencer, I'm the strongest person she knows. I can do this by myself, I don't need help. She said so herself.

All I have to do is make for the next two days then she is gone for a week, then Rafe leaves for camp and to top it off Natalia and Emma are going to be gone for another 2 week touring other shelters.

I just have to make it till then I'll be home free for most of the summer. First I have to make it through today. I don't even know why I teased her like that.

_Because it in your nature, you can't help._

Not you today, I say to the old Olivia.

I don't need her in my ear today. What I need it to find something to drink before I meet Natalia. I need to relax. I can't be constantly plagued with her when I'm trying to have sex with my wife.

_Slut._

"Ok I we need to have a talk." Jaime sits up clearly irritated.

Fuck not in front of Doris, I dig my nails into my palm to keep from blowing up at her.

"Us?' Doris takes her shades off motioning between the two of them.

"Yes, us." Jaime swings her legs off the chair facing my long time best friend.

They both miss my sigh of relief.

"You're my friend. As your friend I'm going to say some things that you might not like but I want you to listen because the next times this happens I'm going to pretend I don't know you and commence to kicking you ass."

Comically Doris mouth opens wide as she gasps in shock.

"Yea I'm talking to you. I know you're an asshole, Blake, knows, hell everyone knows, but that is not an excuse…"Jaime pauses deciding to take another angle. "Do you know what just happen a few minutes ago? I had sex with my lovely wife. Do you know what was just happening? We were having a nice time lounging. Do you know what was going to happen later on tonight? Sex again with my wife. Do you hear a pattern? Here is the thing; I know you can have sex with anyone when ever and where ever you want but for people like us." She motion between me and her. "We can only have sex with our wives. But you won't let that happen. See, if Blake is mad then Lindsey, bless her heart, feels like she has to go cheer her up. And you know what that means, I'm stuck here with you and Olivia and as much as you two have grown on me I would rather be having sex."

Doris tries to interrupt but Jaime is on a tear.

"Shh, listen." Jaime holds her finger up. "Now I get it, you're free to do as you like and Blake really has no say in it. But for god sakes the next time you pick up a barely legal chick and try to decide on where to take her just leave out where ever Blake is." Jaime holds her up hand again as Doris tries to talk again, but Jaime is having none of it. "Either go apologize or take the child home to her parents, either way you need to do some soul searching to find out why if you don't want her, why you're acting like some high school jock whose feelings have been hurt. You're a grown woman and this is life. So either get over you're self or let it go. If you really don't want her then stop trying to one up her."

I look at Doris for a comeback but she just looks across the pool area where our wives are talking.

As sophisticated as Lindsey acts she is not scared to get down and dirty even resort to fighting and the way she is pointing, she's at that point.

At the moment I feel like giving Jaime a pat on the back, I couldn't have put it better myself and haven't for all these years.

I need a drink.

**NATALIA**

That was exactly what I needed. I toss my hair to one side reapplying my sunscreen. And not a moment too soon.

I look across the distance at Olivia showing Rafe all the gadgets inside of his new car parked on the grass.

The other children take turns getting in and out of the driver seat playing fantasy driver.

She knows I was mad and still am at her for buying it, even after I asked her to limit her spending. It is ridiculous to get an 11 year old a car that cost more than a college education without all the extra, I'm sure those pushed the car over a half a million.

But now I feel better, even thought Olivia couldn't make it to our earlier appointment she more than made up for it.

The heady feeling after a earth-shattering orgasm starts to fade leaving me feeling…sleepy. I stretch on the pool chair.

"Natalia, honey."

I open my eyes watching my mother pull up a chair beside me.

"Do you think that is really…" She looks to the sky for the right word. "I think that giving Rafe a present like that could really spoil him. He needs to learn the importance of money."

"Don't look at me. I told Olivia, but you know how she is. She wants him to know she loves him." I sit up. "Plus Rafe know the importance of a good work ethic, she teaches him that."

My mother scratches her forehead something else clearly bothering her.

"Was there something else?"

She looks out at the gathering around the car then back at me.

"I don't think I will ever be able to tell you how happy it has made me to see you and my grandchildren happy. Olivia is…she's wonderful in her own way. And I can't thank her enough for giving me a place to stay while I'm here but-" She stops talking looking at her fidgeting hands.

"Ma, what's wrong?" I swing my feet off the chair facing her. I hope it's not about Ricardo. I invited him against my better judgment; he told me flat out that as long as Olivia was in our lives her couldn't be. "Is it Ricardo?"

"Natalia!" She chastens me. "He is still your father, have some respect."

I shake my head, wondering if I would have turned out the same as her.

"It's not him. It's just…how have you two been."

"We've been fine. Why?"

"Honey Olivia is wonderful like I said, but she is who she is. She hangs out with mob members and drug addicts."

I shake my head at her words. "Not you too. What did he say to you?"

"Nothing. I fully support your choice I just wanted to let you know that maybe there is more, someone better for you."

"Better than Olivia?" I know Olivia has been acting strange for the few last weeks but that doesn't change anything for me. Not much could make me leave her, we talk out problems out, she holds me when I need to cry and she is there for our children.

"Forget I said anything." She waves me off getting up from her chair walking away.

I get up following her. "No mother why would you say something like that? I want to know." I keep my voice low feeling the cold fingers of anger creep around my heart.

"Because I didn't say it when you we miserable with Nicholas and I don't want that to happen again. I'm sorry Natalia but just because she makes you happy doesn't make this totally right. What if it is against God's plan." She sighs with a hint of regret.

"I don't give a fuck about God's plan!"

Her mouth drops open as if I had smacked her. "Natalia! I know I raised you better than that. Now you listen-"

I cut her off. "No mother you listen. I don't care what the bible or Ricardo says I love Olivia and she loves me." I see the hurt in her eyes and I lose my hard edge. "Yes she has problems and we are working on those. It's hard enough with everyone else against us, I was hoping I had at least you on my side."

"I am sweet pea, I just had to let you know. I know how much your faith means to you." The look in her eyes is as serious as I have seen her in a while. It leaves me speechless. She really believes god will punish me for loving Olivia. The woman who has saved my life on more that one occasion.

"Is everything okay?"

I don't even turn to Olivia. "Everything is fine."

My mother nods her head.

I wait for Olivia to step out of listening distance. "What does Nicky have to do with this? What is this really about?" I squint my eyes at my mother more that pissed at the moment.

I didn't want to say anything because it's your life but…I saw Olivia drinking, earlier today when I stopped by your house."

Oh my god, she would say anything. The next thing is going to be she saw her kissing someone else. "Just stop with the lies mother. Olivia hasn't been drinking I've been with her most of the day. I don't know what has gotten into you but I hope this doesn't continue. I really would like for you to be a part of Rafe and Emma life." I turn away from her before she can respond walking toward my family.

Olivia hasn't been drinking; she just promised me she wouldn't drink. There is no way she would lie to me in my face and turn around and drink before her own son's party.

I walk up to Olivia taking her but the shoulder and kissing her deep, sweeping my tongue across hers and to the corners of her mouth.

I pull back satisfied. There no taste of alcohol, nothing by barbecue chips and onions.

"Are you are okay?"

"I'm more than fine." I smile at her then pull her closer to me. "Olivia?"

"Yes,babe."

I look deep into her eyes searching for any hint of a lie. Olivia wouldn't lie to me, she's occasionally leave out details but she would lie to my face. She promised that much everyday. "Have you been drinking today? And please don't lie to me."

"What!"

"Just answer my question, have you?" I don't have time for anything else except yes or no.

I can't believe my mother would try to pit us against each other. I don't even know why I am entertaining the ideal in the first place.

"No." Olivia answers without blinking, and that is the end of that.

I pull Olivia over to where our son is. I drop down Rafe hugging him around his shoulders. "I think it is time for the birthday boy to cut his cake." I need something to take my mind of this debacle.

I roar of cheers starts, Rafe buries his head in my shoulder. I pull him away bending down to his level. "You know I love you right, we both do."

"Yes Ma'am." He looks at me with the innocence of a child.

I can't believe my mother has the nerve to try to ruin Rafe's birthday party. After all today is about him taking another step towards manhood. My little boy is growing into a man. Next thing I know he is going to have children of his own and move away and never call or visit except for us to babysit.

I feel the all too familiar sting of tears behind my eyes. "God, I remember when you just came up to my knees. You were so small and fast, those little chubby legs. And now there are grandchildren running around screaming."

"Huh?"

"Okay babe." Olivia grabs me by the shoulders. "Cake!"

I let her hug me as we walk to the cake.

"Don't worry baby, when we get tired of them I'll give them a one way ticket home then we'll have adult time."

I laugh realizing how silly I must sound to Rafe.

**OLIVIA**

God I'll be happy when Natalia gets back.

I love having some alone time with the kids, but it's really hard to sleep without her beside me. Even though we were on the phone for half the night it's not the same.

I need her for when I have a nightmare, even when they star her. I need her to hold me and tell me I'm safe.

This whole week they have been none stop, back to back, every time I close my eyes. I've found a remedy for them while she is away. I still have those pain pills the doctor gave me when I dislocated my shoulder. Two of them and I'm out like a light, into the nothingness that is being passed out. But I haven't had a drink all week, its called control.

I know it's my fault for what I'm feeling. I need to be stronger.

Tomorrow she'll be back and everything can go back to its universal place. Till then I'm stuck and that feeling of terror will grow every night threatening to burst inside my chest. I can't even say when it started, but it hurts.

I think it started while I was in California, I ran into some of my old college friend. One in particular was Beth. It really shook me to see her. I talked to her for a long time. A lot of things she brought up made me glad I changed. But I think that is why the nightmares have started again.

I looked through some of my old year book pictures. I looked so young. If I were just to remember the moments in the pictures I would have sworn I had the best life filled with humor and happiness. But I know that's not true that still doesn't stop me from missing it just a little.

Maybe it's me who is imagining things. Maybe it was the conversation I over heard at Rafe's party last week. What her mother said hurt. What hurt most is that Natalia didn't say anything to negate her. I thought she was over that whole religious thing. Have I just not been seeing her struggle with her faith? I can't help but wonder if have been missing her internal battle. Does she think our relationship is her ticket to hell? I hope not, I was hoping she was my ticket to heaven.

But what irks me the most is how I could look her in the face and lie without flinching.

I shouldn't be able to do that, I haven't until recently. I know where this leads to another lie. I don't want to have to constantly lie to her. It tramples on everything we have built our lives on. I have to stop. I have to stop today. I have to tell her the truth about my drinking. But I know she is going to over react. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to drink, I want to. And if need be I could stop whenever I feel like it. I just don't feel like it now. There fore I can't tell her now, but when I quit that's when I tell her and she will know how under control it was. It wouldn't be hiding it from her but something besides hiding.

Plus if I tell her that I will have to tell her everything else. I'll tell her about it all when I am ready.

I don't know when that will be but she will be the second person to know.

HONK!

The kids are home. Lindsey agreed to drop them off. I didn't know how long my day would last. I look at the clock, it's already 7 p.m. They're right on time.

"Mommy, mommy, look what I made." Emma bomb rushes through the door holding her macaroni picture high as her arms could reach.

"Oh, Emma that's great." I kneel down to her eye level. "We should put it on the fridge and send a picture to Mommy."

"Can it stay forever?"

Her word boom through my hollowed skull, burning its way into the bone. God forever is a long time. A shiver runs through my body chilling me to the bone. What if we don't make it forever? "Sure."

"Mom you okay?" I hadn't even noticed Rafe standing at the door way. Worry is written all over his face. It snaps me from my internal contemplation.

"Of course superman, how was your day?" I stand back up to finish their pb and j sandwiches.

"Fine are those for us." Rafe pulls a chair to the island stand into to watch my craft.

"Yes."

"Good cause I'm hungry and Lindsey said hi." I swat at his hand that was about to dip into the peanut butter jar.

HONK! HONK!

Me and Rafe look at each other wondering who it could be.

"Maybe Lindsey forgot something." I offer the explanation, Rafe just shrugs his shoulder.

We both go to the door looking out the screen door.

A bright green mustang with tinted window and rims, bigger than the car, is parked in the driveway.

I know who it is before the door even opens.

**Rodney**

It actually feels good to be back in Springfield. I know I'm risking death but it has been way too long since I've had a place to call home, even longer since I could call anyone a true friend. That's all behind me now. I'm home and I plan on getting my family back even if it means forcing myself into everyone picture perfect life.

Olivia was my family before anyone else even cared. What can I say I need my little sister? I didn't come here to break up a happy family.

The old me would have just came in and fuck everything up not caring who got hurt as long as it wasn't me.

But my prison counselor showed me a few of my faults and I was forced to correct hem if I wanted parole. The new me is thoughtful and mindful of how my action affect those around me.

The old me was sitting in prison plotting on just how to get back at Dory for setting me up, but the new me is thankful for her malice ways. The new me is determined to gain her respect without losing my life. I know it won't be easy. And if it doesn't happen I think I can live with putting up with each other. And even though I haven't fully kicked my bad habits I think I have them under more control than they were.

I take a deep breathe hoping Olivia isn't mad about my absence. To be fair I have dropped her a couple of line to let her know I was okay, but I couldn't make it to the wedding if I wanted to due to my incarceration, that is also behind me.

I step out of the car taking in the area and Olivia at the door.

If I hadn't known any better I would have sworn Olivia disappeared from the door and reappeared right in front of me.

Before I can lift my shades, Olivia has me in a bear hug lifting me off my feet.

"Glad to see you too, Green, but I can't breathe." She puts me down taking a step back looking me up and down.

I watch as the biggest smile appears on her face. It a real relief to see she's just as happy to see me as I am her. "Where have you been?" She asks.

Prison. "Just on a little soul search." I say looking over her shoulder at that kid.

"You don't know how much I missed you." Her eyes cloud and she chokes a little on the words. If I weren't a man I might have been choked a little too. Shit I've missed my party buddy. No can ever compare to us.

"I see you've moved on."

She looks over her shoulder at the kid standing in the door. "Yea, you remember Rafe and we have a little girl. Emma." She beams with pride. And I see the first blip in my plan.

"You mean she had a little girl?" I said watching for her reaction.

She shrugs at the suggestion. "I like to think they're both ours."

I was expecting her to slap me but she doesn't which is funny since she killed for them.

"So how about I take you out and we catch up. You know have a little coming home party."

"God I would love to, but Natalia is out of town."

Anyone would have been blind not to see my eyes light up at that. I need time with Olivia by myself without Dory and her wife teaming up on me. I'm not even worried about her wife or the kids. The only person I need to stay away from is Wolfe. But once I get back with Olivia she won't be able to touch me either. Olivia wouldn't let her.

"And the kids have school tomorrow."

I know she wants to go. "Oh come on Olivia, don't make me beg. I'll have you home by bedtime. Just give me an hour." I give her my best sad face, one she can't resist. I knew I would have to pull it out.

"An hour?"

"Or two." Come on Green.

"Alright, give me a couple of seconds." I follow her back to the porch where that kid is still standing, mugging me. Yea I remember him. He's grown a few inches but he hasn't changed, still not happy to see me. Well that's all going to change; Uncle Rodney is here to stay.

I should smile at him or something.

Green pulls him back into the house. I can only catch a little of her explanation on why they have to go.

I peek into the kitchen to make sure no one is around before pulling out my little bag of happiness. I need to stay calm and collected. I pour a small mound on the back of my hand, cleaning it off.

After all these year, it still goes up my nose given my brain the shock of its life.

"Okay, we're ready." Green comes out of the door with the two kids in tow. They both look at me like I killed their dog or something.

Green eyes me again, probably noticing the change. "Give me the key, I'll drive." She holds her hand out.

I didn't want to drive anyway. I hand her the keys. "Race ya." I run back to the car only to realize I'm the only one playing.

Every few miles I look into the rearview mirror and that kid is still mean mugging me, like he wants to do something.

"Mom I don't want to go to Grandma's house. Can we go home?"

"Superman, I already told you it's just for a couple of hours, I'll be back in a little to get you guys. I just need to talk to Rodney in private." Green stops the car in front of a condo complex. An older woman is already standing outside, reminds me of Green's girl just…older. I don't know why but I can't stop laughing.

"You okay?" Green asks.

I'm laughing so hard I can't even answer.

"Come on you guys." She gets out with the other passengers.

I roll my window down as they meet older Natalia half way. "Is that him?" The woman looks at me in disdain. I haven't even met her and already she doesn't like me..

"Yes Marie. That's Rodney."

"The Rodney?" She looks at me again.

I wave back pretending not to here the revulsion in her voice. Hmm. I should start calling myself that. The Rodney, has a nice ring to it.

"Olivia I don't know. You've been doing so well."

Why is it that every time Green wants to hang out with me everyone says that? You've been doing so good, like I some kind of disease. True I am a drug dealer but I helped Green through some hard times, not Doris, not those kids, and not her wife. Me. I helped.

"Guess doing well will never be good enough for your daughter."

Surprise, surprise trouble with the in-laws. I'm not even going to bother to pretend no t listen now.

"I heard what you said to Natalia at the party."

"Olivia I-"

"Don't, it doesn't matter if you meant it or not. At least I know where you stand in this situation." They both stand in relative silence.

I guess the show is over. "Green!" I yell out the window. "I hate to interrupt." I tap the new watch my mom bought me.

She holds up her finger, signaling for a second.

She says something to the woman before coming back to the car. "So where are we going?" She turns the engine on.

"You'll see."

**Olivia**

"So you'll never guess who I heard from?"

"Who?"

"Beth said she saw you in San Fran." He takes the glass from my hands, holding them in an overly empathic way, but I know he means well. "That's really why I came to see if you were all right." I nod my head trying to control the surge of unwanted memories.

"Sure, why not."

The place is a hole in the wall, with all types of people who you wouldn't want to meet in a back alley. They're all young with piercing in every place they shouldn't be. The music doesn't even have any words, it just a fast beat.

Rodney and I go to the back where there is a descent looking couch.

"So how is your wife?"

"Natalia is perfect. She started a safe house for battered women?" Yep Natalia is perfect in every way.

"Perfect, uh?"

I nod my head, agreeing.

"Of all the women in the world you pick her. And don't think I didn't see all the coverage on the trail. But you know I knew if anyone could get you off it was Wolfe." He laughs slapping his knee.

"Yea she did a hellva job." I watch the bustle around us, the people gyrating to the music, drink being filled at the bar, all the while people do line of coke of the small tables. The smell of marijuana flows through the air, only massed by the smell of spilled alcohol and vomit. I remember the smell quiet well, hard to believe it's something that comforted me.

"And I want to apologize for missing you're wedding. I just wanted to stay away until the trail was over. The last thing you needed was me popping up to testify. Plus I really had to ix something about myself." He pulls my hand into his. "But I want to make that up to you." The sincerely in his eyes is no bull shit. I know him better than Wolfe does. She forgets how genuine he can be.

"Can I get you two anything?" A skinny woman walks up. Her face is sunk in from too many late nights and not enough sleep. Or maybe she it's the needle marks on her arm, visible even in the pulsating light.

"As a matter of fact you can, we'll have two beers, 6 shots of tequila and two cranberry and vodkas." Rodney pulls out an hundred dollar bill and hand it to the young girl.

She walks away checking the bill in the dim light. That seemed to have brightened her attitude.

It's no time before she comes back sitting the drinks on the small coffee table in front of us.

"I'm not drinking."

"Why not?"

"Because, I'm just not." But I want to so bad. I deserve a drink.

"God you know I'm being selfish. I didn't know you were trying to be sober and here I am tripping you up. I'm sorry, don't worry about it." Rodney slides all the drinks to his side of the table. "We can go if you want. Maybe stop at a Taco Bell so I can have the runs in the morning."

"No, wait." I shouldn't be doing this. I promised Natalia that I wouldn't drink. I told her I could and would stop for her. And I did.

She will never find out. I am a grown woman who should be able to have a few drinks with my best friend.

"What?"

"I want you to convince me."

Rodney laughs like I'm telling a joke.

"I'm serious I want you to convince me to drink with you. You are my friends so be a friend and convince me to drink."

"Look if you don't want to drink or are trying to stay sober I'm not going to be the one to mess that up." He shakes his head downing two shots. "Maybe sober is the best path."

"I'm not sober, I mean I am but I drink. I drink all the time." It's not really a lie.

"So why do I have to convince you."

"Fuck Rodney, can you please just do it already." I snap back.

He looks at me like I just asked him to shoot me.

"Please." I give him my patent pouty look.

"Fine."

"Go." I drag one of the shot close to me griping it between my fingers.

"Take a shot with me for old time sakes. One shot and we'll leave."

"I can't because one will turn into two and two will be five and next thing I know I'm butt naked on the front lawn of the dean's house." We both have a good laugh, only because it happened.

"Hey, wasn't I lying beside you?" He perks up a little really trying to convince me.

"That is true." He was the one who woke me up.

"So lay naked with me…not really but, you know what I mean. One drink."

"One drink, just one." The crowd of people continues to gyrate in the small space avoiding the passed out clubbers.

I can feel the tequila burning my throat already. "One drink, one drink then I'm gone." One drink.

WAKE UP! WAKE UP IT'S YOUR MOTHER IN LAW! PICK UP! The ringing revs the engine that is my brain. Shit what the hell is that?

"Okay, okay, one second." Even with my eyes closed the room is spinning. As a matter of fact where am I?

I feel a hand on my shoulder pushing my back down. "I got it Green lay back down." I'm not sure if I ever made it up right, but I'm not going to fight. His voice keeps me from slipping back into unconsciousness.

"Sleeping, what do you want?"…"Call back later."

Damn I was supposed to pick up Rafe and Emma last night.

**DORIS**

Okay I can do this, I've campaigned before. Throw out a few lies and have them eating out the palm of my hand. After all I wasn't convicted and I vowed to dedicate my life to finding the killers. Don't laugh, don't laugh, "The people of this great city are smart…" I fight a laugh that still bubbles its way to the top.

"Mayor Wolfe you have a call on line one." My assistant comes over the intercom of the phone.

"Take a message."

"Whatever." She replies.

Some people can be so unprofessional. I knew I shouldn't have slept with her. It always ends badly. Something said don't do it, but did I listen.

"I gotta talk to you." Olivia rushes through the door not even bothering to close it behind her.

I give her a nasty look; she knows how much I hate for my office door to be open.

"Sorry." Olivia closes the door plopping down in one of my expensive chair. Not that I paid for it but I like to look at it.

"I already know what you're here for. And the answer is no."

"How do you know what I'm even going to ask?'

"Come on Olivia. You know this town just as good as I do. You think I didn't get a call interrupting important business at one in the morning about you two drinking at the bar."

"First of all sex isn't important business and second I wasn't drinking." I don't believe her. Eye witnesses put the glass in her hands. But she doesn't look hung over and I know a hung over Olivia. "Doris he's really trying to get his life right. He's thinking about going to rehab."

"Is he still peddling that bull shit?" I swear I just want to knock some sense into Olivia sometimes. This twisted sense of loyalty is beyond me. I might not like Natalia but I sure as hell would rather put up with her than him.

"It isn't bull, if you would talk to him. You know we all used to be really close."

"And I used to weight 110."

Olivia rolls her eyes. "That's not the point."

"No Olivia the point is you've been doing really well. You've settled down and stopped all the nonsense and I don't want you to mess this up because Rodney has blown back in town."

"I wish everyone would stop saying that?" She slumps back in the chair like a child. "What if…what if I can't be that person? Yea I've been doing good but what if... what if it doesn't work?"

What the hell? I just risk my freedom and career to help her be with Natalia and she has the nerve to say it won't work_._ "You know what Olivia? Here's the thing, you don't' have a choice." Her eyes widen at my blatant statement, but I mean it.

"I have risked everything for you. I have done nothing but look out for you from the first day I met you, now you are going to listen to me. You are going to go home and call Natalia and tell her you love her. That will be that."

"Everything is about you."

I can't wrap my head around it; maybe I'm too close or too detached. "What is it? What does he have over you? He's lying. Nothing is going to happen in except he is going to bring you down. That's all he wants."

She shakes her head in rebellion. I don't know how he convinced her drugs were helping. To give him credit, he did go after the guy who assaulted her, but that's about as far as it went with actually helping.

Olivia leans forward pushing up her long sleeves like she's readying for a fight. "Please for me. Two weeks and he'll be in rehab. You'll be going most of the time on vacation anyway and when you come back you will see that he has changed."

Son of a holy bitch. I could literary throw a tantrum in the middle of this floor_._ I guess there comes a time in every relationship when trust has to win out over doubt. "Fine, I swear if I even suspect you…"

"Thankyouthankyou. You won't regret this." She jumps from her chair practically running to the door.

"I know for a fact I will." I say under my breath. She wouldn't have heard me anyway; she was already out the door.

I page my assistant. "Sheryl, get Johnny Boy on the phone ASAP and get me some coffee and Advil."

"Why don't you get Wendy to get it for you?"

7 in the morning and the day is already ruined.

I pull out my third cell phone calling Johnny. "Hey, Johnny Boy I need a favor. I need you to track our friend Rodney and bring him to me, now."

**Rodney**

After Olivia left to do damage control I decided to chill in the lobby. I play with some of the pencils.

The place is definitely different. It seems a lot more open and kid friendly, with a daycare and a mini movie theater. Yea I would say Olivia has done good with her life. I need to find my place in it, if there is one left. I asked her to talk to Wolfe this morning before she got wind that I was in town and decided to take me out. Green can make her do anything. I remember this one time in college she dared Wolfe to jump of this three story building onto a trampoline. She did it; broke her collar bone, but I can't point fingers I jumped too, broke my tibia.

It was cool though we were all high. Plus there were like seven other people who jumped after us. They're the stupid ones. When the fifth person breaks a bone you would think they would second guess jumping.

I watch as one of the maid exit the elevator. I know Olivia has hit that. Who could resist a bitch in high heels and a short maid's outfit? Looks like it was fresh out of a sex shop.

I laugh as the woman walks past me. She looks at me with an arrogant look like I'm the low life.

Yea fuck you too.

"Hey you." I turn around to see if the person is talking to me and come face to face with the asshole that kicked my ass the last time I was here. Jason or Johnson, I know his name starts with a J.

I swallow the lump in my throat. It falls into my stomach threatening to push the contents of my bowels into my pants. I really should have worn underwear. "Wolfe send you?"

"Yea, she wants to see you." The Asian kid smiles like the devil himself.

I look around the lobby for security that is no where in sight. I know if I leave with this asshole he's going to kill me. Wolfe has gotten away with one murder and doubt another trail will stall her life.

They probably won't even investigate my death, just chalk it up to another drug deal gone bad.

Asians are slow right? They're smart not fast. I'm taller which gives me another advantage.

Yep, I'm not going with this guy.

"Sure, I got nothing to hide." I walk out in front of him. As soon as I get to the door I take off, running down the side walk.

Too many drug filled nights and last nights drinking has not helped my speed. I barely get a few steps before he is on my back.

We wrestle to the ground with him winning the top spot. He puts his hands around my neck cutting off my airway while sitting on my chest.

The people just walk by like nothing is happening.

"Okay,okay." I scratch at his hands. "Fuck, dude okay."

He hauls me up by my shirt forcing me into a red sedan.

The whole ride to my death I feel my hands sweating so much my pant legs is wet from where I've been wiping them. I'm not afraid to die, am I? Yes, yes I am. There is so much I haven't done. I've never climbed a mountain, I've never been to Vegas. Well not sober. I've never been to the biggest ball of yarn or base jumped.

"Look man, please. I won't tell if you let me go." I plead with the little Asian punk. The driver laughs through the rear view mirror. "I have money. My parents are loaded. I'll give you anything you want. You can drop me off at the boarder and you'll never hear from me again. Please! You gonna let that bitch control-"

"Shut the fuck up!" The kid explodes punching my in the mouth.

I curl into a ball hoping he didn't knock out any of my teeth. "Please. Please."

"We're here." I hear the kid open his door. "Come on."

I take hold of my door. "Please man."

"Pussy." They grab my legs yanking me out of the car in one move.

I barely have enough time to catch myself before I stick a face plant on the concrete.

"Get up Rodney."

I almost start to cry as I hear Wolfe's voice commanding me.

It's not fair, it's not fair.

"I said get up."

He two lackeys pick me up slamming me against a wall.

I notice we are in some kind of abandoned warehouse, perfect place to commit a murder.

Wolfe paces in front of us, shaking her head.

"Dory."

"Don't call me that you stupid little prick!" She looks like she is coming undone. This is a really bad sign. Dory doesn't come undone. "I thought I told you to stay away along with rest of you."

"I didn't bring them I swear."

"Shut up."

I snap my mouth close. The only way I am going to make it out alive is to do what she says and hopefully she will have pity on me. We use to be so close; I know my friend is still in there some where.

"Boss, maybe we should just make it look like a hit and run." The driver finally says something, but I wish he would have remained mute.

"No wait, Dory I swear I have changed. Hell I'm not even mad about you setting me up to go to prison and, and I didn't even say anything to Olivia. I'm clean."

Dory pinpoints me with her eyes. "Check his pockets."

Damn it.

I don't even struggle as the two dig into the pockets of my cargo pants. They pull out the bag of prescription pills I took from Olivia, which I am pretty sure she would have let me have if I had asked. They pull of several viles of cocaine out, a few loose ecstasy pills, and a few rolled hundreds.

All I can do is hang my head, I should thrown the stuff out the window on the way here or at least stuck my phone in one of those pockets.

"Don't worry Rodney I'm not going to kill you…yet. Actually I came to offer you an olive branch."

Oh thank God.

"Me and my associates have to handle busy else where. What I need from you is very important. Are you listening?"

I nod my head ready to agree to anything and kicking myself at the same time. If I had waited I could have avoided this all together.

"I need you to look after Olivia. No drinking, no drugs, all around no partying except with her wife."

When the hell did she and Olivia's wife get so close? "Whatever you want."

Dory walks close to me, the clicking of her heels sent shivers down my spine. "I want to listen to me very very closely."

I knew I wasn't going to get off that easy.

"What's about to happen is because you ignored a direct order not to come back here until you were clean and I want you to take this as a sample of what is going to happen if I come back and Olivia is not the way I left her." Dory walks to the car leaning against the side. "Boys try to keep it below the neck this time and no knives I don't want to clean up anymore blood."

Oh fuck.

**NATALIA**

I can't believe I ever agreed to spend a week away from Olivia and of all times when the kids are gone. We could be having so much sex over the next week, it would be ridiculous. But I just had to agree to tour some of the other safe house including some that are way underground.

It exciting, but it would be just exciting if I could stay here and have sex until I withered up of dehydration.

It's not the worse way to go.

I guess I will have to settle for two days of x rated activity. She did say she had a surprise for me and that we needed to talk first, which reminds me we have a lot to talk about. Some many things have begun to pile. Talk later sexy surprise first.

As I walk in the kitchen, I spot Olivia sitting at the table with those sexy librarian glasses on typing on her laptop.

She has definitely got me hooked. Every time I see her a flash of heat consumes me like nothing else; even when I try to stay mad at her.

With every intention of having sex on that table I take Olivia's hand raising it so I can straddle her in the tight space between her and the table.

"Did you want something?" Olivia cocks on eyebrow up, smirking at my boldness.

"I want a lot of things; world peace, a cure for cancer and a dog that doesn't pee on my carpet, but I only need one thing."

"And what would that be Ms. Rivera?" The ways her voice can drop and vibrate through me make me shiver that quick become a gentle rocking motion.

I lean in tracing the curve of the ear with my tongue. "You." I hear one the sexy noises ever uttered by the human vocal chords.

"Let me not keep you waiting."

Before I can protest Olivia stand up seating me on the table.

"You are going to hurt your arm." I massage her shoulders, taking in just how strong they really are.

"Not again. Those few months were the worst of my life. But sling or not sling my arm is the last thing you are going to be worried about when I get finished with you." She climbs on the table as I lay back.

"Well practice what you preach."

_Ding Dong._ The door bell sounds.

Who could that be?

Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

Olivia groans throwing her head back. "Ignore it."

I push at her shoulders giving her a disapproving look, someone could be in need of help.

She moves off the table; I follow her straightening my shirt.

"You stay here and when I come back I want those clothes off." I walk through the living room to the door looking out the peek hole.

"Who is it Babe?"

"I don't know." I take another look at the two men with sunglasses standing outside pushing each other. They look strangely familiar but I don't know where I could know them from.

I decide to go ahead and open the door knowing the storm door is locked."Can I help you?"

"Hell yea, where is Green?"

My stomach drops. I know for sure the only people who call Olivia that are her old drug friends.

"Holy shit." I hear Olivia say behind me. "Let them in."

I slowly unlock the screen door kicking myself for not ignoring the bell.

The stories I've heard are not flattering to anyone. Mostly I already don't like them, I don't want them around Olivia or my family.

The two men barge in without as much as a hello.

"I'll have a gin and tonic, hold the tonic and something flat and smooth, a mirror maybe." The second man demands, patting his shirt pocket.

Now I really don't like him.

"She's not the maid." Olivia steps out of the kitchen to my defense.

"She's her wife dumbass." Standing in the doorway is a tall blonde with gray eyes. I remember her from out wedding reception; she danced with Olivia then proceeded to get drunk. I think she left with Doris.

They seemed to be close and all Olivia would say was she was an old friend. But the way she looked at her when we first saw her I thought she had seen a ghost standing in the room.

This is the last thing we need before I leave on a two week long trip.

The woman steps into the living room looking around. "When you said your house was small I didn't think you meant a shack."

I grind my teeth to stop whatever hateful words that might have popped out.

"Beth, be nice." Olivia remains standing in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what I don't know. She seems a little apprehensive.

"Why are you all the way over there?" The taller man says.

I take a good look at them.

He's white with a really good tan. His hair is sandy blond and shoulder length. His expensive shade rest on the crown of his head showing off his blood shot brown eyes. He looks like he has been up for days but his clothing doesn't show it. Everything is starched to a crease; the purple collared shirt and khaki pants. But just by looking at his face I can tell her has had a night life. He can't be much older than Olivia but the puffiness around his eyes and lines around his mouth are prominent.

But I guess drugs will do that to a person. He looks like he could have really been a handsome man back in his day.

Slowly Olivia walks into his arms.

The other man is shorter and dark skinned sandwiches her in the hugs. He is dress just like the other one except with a yellow shirt and khaki pants. "Don't mind my junk, he has a mind of his own."

My jaw clenches painfully when I hear the joke.

For her part, Olivia pushes both of them away laughing.

"Man it is good to see you when you aren't shaking and foaming at the mouth." The taller one says, looking Olivia up and down. He pulls his shades down walking around Olivia stares at her butt.

"Keith." Olivia twirls around slapping his shoulder.

"What!"

Out the side of my eye I can still see the woman walking around with a disapproved look on her face.

"Oh babe I'm sorry." Olivia walks over to me putting her hand on my back pushing me towards the two men. "This is Keith and this is Tracey the came to the wedding reception."

"I'm Tracey the good looking one." The shorter one holds his hand out.

I shake it limply. I can't see his eye because of the sunglasses he is still wearing; somehow I know they are just like Keith's.

"Unless you like white meat." The taller man bumps him out of the way looking me up and down with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"Nah, she definitely likes the darker meat. We drink coffee black no sugar and no milk." Tracey steps to my side too close for comfort.

"She doesn't like either, she's mine, back off." Olivia pushes him to the side before directing my attention to the woman. "This is Beth."

Beth looks at us from across the room her grey eyes clearer than her counterparts. Her tight smile turns in to a frown as she runs her hand over the couch. "You should really let my interior designer pay you a visit."

"Does she speak English?" Tracey waves his hand in my face.

I resist the urge to tear it off and slap him with it.

Olivia swats his hands. "Why don't you all look at the kitchen."

I crane my neck trying to release the stress from the tight muscle.

Reluctantly they all slither in the kitchen.

"Natalia, god, I had no ideal they were coming." Olivia runs her hand across my jaw massaging it.

I try to relax knowing I'm seconds away from a cracked tooth. Truth is I believe her; she did look shocked but sort of elated to see them.

I know I have to walk a fine line. Just like with Doris these people are Olivia's friends, they were once close.

Even thought Keith and Tracey are obviously high or drunk or both, I have to try to be civil. Doris already hates me it would be of no use to have them against me too.

"I'll take them out to lunch and get them out of your hair."

"No." The last thing I want is Olivia with them alone. I need to keep an eye on her; they might try to get her to drink again. And she has been doing so well. She hasn't drank since her night out with Jack before Rafe's party and I would like it to stay that way. "No it's okay. You're friends are my friends." I try to put a little perk in my voice.

"You are the best baby." She kisses me on the check before pushing me towards the kitchen. "They're really charming if you talk to them. I just have to make a call and I'll be right in.

I walk into the kitchen taking a seat across from the two men.

We sit in silence for a few very long minutes and all I can think about is how much I want Olivia here with me, better yet them gone.

"So Natalia." Tracey starts laughing and elbowing Keith, "Um, you're married to Olivia."

"Yes."

They burst into round of laughter.

Olivia walks in sitting beside me she just shrugs her shoulder, smirking at the two.

I have no ideal why any of this is funny. It's sad, two grown men acting like children.

The kitchen is filled with the laughter of Keith and Tracey. I watch them in fascination. I wonder if Olivia acted like the do.

NO one has really tried to strike up a real conversation beside the whether and their trip.

I would have but I'm too busy trying to intercept Olivia's and Beth's silent conversation. They keep catching each other eyes and just staring. It doesn't feel like sexual tension but there is definitely tension there.

"Where is Dory?" Beth finally cuts through the laughter.

"She's on vacation."

"Hey what about Blake?" Tracey stops laughing long enough to ask.

"Eck," Beth scoffs.

I grind my teeth, holding my comment in until she actually insults my friend.

Beth asks rolling her eyes. "Tell me is she still stalking Blake?"

There's a nice change in events. Blake is the only other person who has the gall to even suggest such a thing.

Olivia doesn't look amused at all. "Let's not go down that road."

"No lets for old time sakes." Tracey pulls his chair all the way up to the table.

Keith elbows him under the table.

"Like everyone doesn't know the reason they broke up." Beth scoffs again.

"I was under the impression they never started." I'm with Tracey, I wouldn't mind going down that road.

Olivia turns to me with a scowl on her face.

"Oh don't look at her like that Olivia." Beth pulls out a cigarette from her purse. She holds it between fingers. "Trying to quit." She says briefly holding it up.

"I'm bored." Tracey sighs drumming his fingers on the table.

We sit in more silence for what feels like eternity.

Finally the sound of the door bell cuts through the air.

"I'll get it." Olivia leaves the kitchen, again leaving me with them.

"So um," Keith leans towards me. "You're really cute."

I try not to react to his complement. I would say thank you but the look in his eyes tells me if I do I would just be inviting more inappropriate comments.

If even possible I feel even more awkward than before and Beth is staring a hole through my skull.

"Surprise."

My head snaps up at our latest guess. This time I can't hide my reaction. My gasp sound loud to even me. But the sound is over lapped by Keith and Tracey jumping up from their chairs.

They hug Rodney, Tracey going so far as to hump his leg.

"Get off me prev." Rodney playfully pushes them away and after a few second they calm down long enough for him to look towards me and Beth.

His expression changes immediately when he sees Beth. I can actually feel the temperature of the room drop. They stare at each other with so much animosity, it probably doesn't compare to the feelings I have for both of them combined.

"Is any one going to address the elephant in the room?" Rodney spits through clenched teeth. "Lily what are you doing here."

Lily?

"You know my name." Beth tucks the cigarette back into her purse. She combs her locks behind her ear sticking her chin out, like he needed a better look. "Shouldn't you be hanging out at some high school trying to look cool for the young girl?"

"Fuck you!"

"HEY!" Olivia puts a hand on his chest pushing him towards the door. "Why don't we take this outside?"

Beth stands up straightening her dress. "Excuse me." She says to no one.

I watch all three of them exit the kitchen to the porch.

"What was that about?" I say forgetting the other two men in the room.

"You know how nasty rivalries can get." The men take their seat again.

"Why don't they like each other? I though all of you were best friends."

"Oh, some more that others. Oh man." Tracey slumps in his seat. "I'm crashing."

I turn to Keith for further explanation.

"What?" He asks looking anywhere but me.

He is obviously the weaker link.

"I want to know what is going on." I tap my fingers on the table in anticipation and annoyance.

Before Keith can break three mumbling voicing flow into the kitchen.

I look at him again when they stop.

"What! Green is a touchy subject you know." He shrugs. "I mean Dory, Beth, then Lily, and Rodney, even though he swears he didn't, he did."

"So?" It still hurts to know Olivia just let people pass her around. She is so much better than that. Whatever she was looking for I hope she found it in me.

"So…for some reason they all got attached." He shrugs again.

"What about you?" I didn't hear his name anywhere in the list. Plus he and Tracey seem unaffected by the whole thing.

"Nah, by the time Green and Lily dated it was all over."

"Lily who is this Lily person?"

Just as Keith is about to answer Tracey hits him in the side.

Keith rubs his side. "No one but just know I didn't touch your wife."

"Plus," Tracey tries to rise off the table. "His shit doesn't work."

"Shut up!" Keith gives Tracey a hard shove pushing him out of his chair and onto the floor. "It works in your mouth."

"Dude you are so gay."

Keith shakes his head furiously. "I meant to say your mothers, your mothers."

"Yea, right." Tracey just lays there not making any attempt to get up.

"Keith?" I reach across the table regaining his attention. "What happened?" I need clarity.

"Nothing really. What happened, happened you know to Green."

"You mean the rape."

"Hey, hey" He looks around as if we were being watched. "Let's not go there okay. We all know what happened happened."

"So what they all fell in love with Olivia?"

"Whoa, stop right there, no one said anything about love."Keith hisses like love is a dirty word. "So just don't."

I still don't get it. What reason would they all have to hate each other? Unless Olivia cheated on them with the next they should have been used to passing girls around.

"After graduation-" Keith starts but is interrupted by the loud voices.

"JUST SHUT UP WE ARE NOT DISSCUSSING THIS ANYMORE." I jump at Olivia's loud bellow. She stomps into the kitchen slamming the screen door in Beth's face.

Beth and Rodney trail in staring at each other again.

The hostility in the room is palpable, it feel like everyone is looking at a bomb waiting for it to explode.

Olivia leans against the L of the counters. Her arms are crossed so tightly it looks like she is squeezing herself.

I can't sit here while Olivia looks like she is about to breakdown. I walk over to her blocking everyone out.

Even though I'm concerned Olivia is sexy when she is in a huff. Her curls always hang down covering at least one side of her face, usually she is too mad to even correct it.

I comb the loose curl behind her ear. "Are you okay?"

"Just aggravated."

I feel her relax some as I wrap my arms around her, drawing small circles on her back.

"How about we revisit tomorrow." I wait for her to answer. "We can do lunch and then maybe everyone will have cooled down."

"I shouldn't have called him."

It suddenly occurs to me that she called Rodney to come over, which meant she knew he was in town and didn't tell me. I should be pissed off right now that she would hold something like that from me.

I'll be pissed off later when I know she is okay.

"Hey you know what we should do?" Sometime or another Tracey has gotten him self off the floor and is sitting on my table. "We should go out and have some drinks."

I turn back to Olivia and just the change in her eyes scare me. I don't want her to drink, especially with them. They obviously haven't learned how or care to control their habits.

"Even better we'll go to dinner." Olivia slips out of my grasp. "Rodney's truck is outside so we can ride together. I'll drive."

"I guess your girl can drive back." Tracey jumps off the table onto wobbly legs. Somehow he stands on his own. "First we need to stop and get some blow."

"No." Olivia shakes her head.

"Rod-man should have some." Beth says in a smart tone.

"Like you don't want it." Rodney retorts grabbing is privates and tossing his keys to Olivia.

"Let's just go to 'The Bar' they have pretty good wings and just combine dinner and drinks." Keith walks out of the room ahead of everyone.

Every one files out except for Olivia and I.

I can't get myself to move or speak. Too many things could go wrong tonight. I know Olivia is going to go with them with or without me. Would it be safer if I went to keep an eye on her? But if I can't stop her from drinking then what. I don't want to be there when she is drunk or drinking.

"Come on." She pulls me through the door.

30 minutes later we arrive at 'The Bar'. The last time I was here was with Nicky. I have done my best to avoid this place, and yet here I am.

I hold on tight to Olivia's hand. For one I don't want to let her out of my sight and second I just don't want to be here.

"You okay?" She stops us just short of the entrance. "What's wrong?"

The whole car ride here I was contemplating what I should do or say. I don't want to embarrass her in front of her friends by telling her she can't drink. I also don't want to stand by while she gets plastered either. I want her to not want to drink.

"I don't like this."

"What, them?"

"No, this." I wave my hand at the building.

Her eyes brows knit into something towards anger. "You don't want me to hang out with my friends."

Not those friends, I want to say.

"Or is it you just don't trust me?" She pulls her handout of mine.

I feel the loss immediately. I know I'm losing this argument. She is determined so anything I say will be misjudged.

"I do."

"Do you?"

"You know I trust you with everything I am, I don't…I think this is too soon." I try not to lose my courage. "Emotions are high between you all and I think it would be mistake to add alcohol to the equation."

Her eyes are full of challenge "I know what I am doing. All we are going to do is sit down and catch up, maybe have a few drinks."

My heart squeezes so tight I feel the pain behind my eyes. I now there is not much I can say to change her mind, short of some sort of heavy guilt trip.

I decide against playing this argument out, instead I pull her into a hug, kissing her as if it were for the last time.

When I pull away the look in her eyes make me want to melt, but the knowledge that she might drink makes me want to scream.

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"Would you two stop fucking for one second?" Tracey pulls Olivia into the bar.

I follow them to two small tables against the wall.

"Come here." Olivia pulls me over to where she sits on the high barstool. I move between her legs leaning against her. "I love you."

"I love you more." I whisper resisting the urge to rehash our conversation from outside.

"This should be funny." Olivia laughs turning me around to watch the pool game Tracey and Rodney has started.

I take her arms wrapping them around my waist. I need to feel close to her so I won't lose it. Maybe it will stop her from drinking as much as they do.

After the second horrible pool game, my legs start to grow tired but I don't want to move.

Beth is already half way in the tank with everyone else.

As much as they have drunk anyone else would have already been passed out but I guess they have the staying power from drinking so much over the years. So far Olivia hasn't had anything to drink even though they keep offering to buy for her.

I start to relax more at the knowledge. I might have over exaggerated the situation. I trust Olivia. I should have trusted my trust in her. It's my problem not hers.

"Hey, I got an ideal." Tracey gets right up in my face with his alcohol laced breathe singeing my nose hairs.

I lean further back into Olivia who pushes him back.

He stumbles hitting his hip on the pool table. "Fuck, that hurt."

"Stay out of her face." Olivia answers back, kissing my neck.

I try to control my breathing, god only know how turned on I am now.

Tracey looks at us, hurt written all over his face.

Rodney pushes him towards a barstool. "We should play women against men, Beth and me against you two."

"Fuck you." Beth spit cradling the rest of her drink.

"You're on." Olivia answers.

"I bet Natalia has never played." Rodney grins at me.

I'm sure he is joking but I don't like him so anything he says will be taken out of context and I'm fine with that. And for his information I'm good at pool. Me and Lindsey play all the time, even though she wind most of the time, I can handle my own.

"She's my wife of course she has, but put your money where you're mouth is."

Olivia stands up stretching. She hand me a cue then takes her own.

"Better yet." Rodney pulls Keith off his barstool. "For every pocket, one shot."

Suddenly I don't feel so confident.

"Not so confident now, huh?"

"Please we're just waiting on the money part." Olivia laughs at him hitting him on the butt with her cue stick.

"Okay, five grand best out of three, one shot for every pocket."

"Deal." Olivia racks the balls up. "I'll break."

"No let her do it." Keith says downing the last of his drink.

Everyone look at me. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. What did I get myself into? I don't want to be the reason Olivia drinks tonight.

"You're fine Talia. Don't worry no alcohol is touch these lips as long as you are here. Focus." She steps away from me pointing for her eyes to mine.

Focus. I can do this as long as she is here with me, we can do anything together. I crouch down aiming my shot. Focus.

My nerves were shot but instead of backing down I concentrated and before I know it we're two games in with only the 8 ball left to hit.

Keith is only standing with the aid of the table and Rodney is about the same. I smile lining up my shot. The first game they didn't even get to shot and this game Rodney only took one shot, which missed. I felt drunk just by holding my breath for the shot.

But now it's my time and I'm on a roll. I rear back connecting with cue; it glides along the table barely tapping the 8 ball, which rolls in the corner pocket.

I stand triumphant once again with Olivia at my side.

"Money." Olivia holds out her hand.

Keith fumbles to pull out a roll of money and hands it to Olivia.

My mouth drops open, who in their right mind carries around that much money.

Rodney throws it stick to the table in anger. "I finished anyway." He shakes his head at Keith who stumbles back to the tables. "I need to talk to you anyway;" He looks from Olivia to me, "alone."

"Why do you always have to be a sore loser?' Olivia lays her cue stick down. "We'll be right over here if you need anything." She grabs him by the collar dragging him to an empty table.

I go back to our table and as soon as I sit down Beth get up joining Rodney and Olivia.

"Don't mind her, she's just jealous." Keith leans on the other table. "Acted the same way when Olivia gave up that baby in school."

My heart leap into my throat but he starts to laugh with slobber running down his chin.

"Tray, did you see her face? Classic."

"Oh man you got her good."

I turn to Tracey but my tongue is cut short when I see the line of cocaine her has separated in front of us.

"What, you want some?"

"I'm going outside but save me some." Keith gets up wobbling out of the door.

"What are you doing! We could be arrested." I yell at him almost forgetting that I was in a room full of people. I look around and it seems as if no one heard me or they just don't care.

"Chill, no one is going to bother us. Shit in a minute they'll probably be over her begging like always."

"Put it away, now." I push out the words through clenched teeth. How stupid could he be?

"You know what; I don't see what Olivia sees in you." He glares at me. "Here I am trying to share with you and all I get is anger."

I look over to Olivia and it seems like they are in their own heated conversation.

"No seriously, how did she bag you? Was it the money or the limo? Mh, no I bet it was the old I can make you happy line. Did she get you like that? Probably fucked you in the car or did you wait for the nearest enclosed wall to give it up."

I freeze as his words hit close to home. I want to smack him but in the back of my mind I know it would be useless, he's high and drunk. The worst case scenario is he lashes out and hits me back. That thought alone is enough to keep my mouth shut.

"Yeah, it was wasn't it? Do you know how old and tired that line is?" Tracey's eyes close to slits as he watches me. "If it was the money…" He puts is hand over mine, but I quickly snatch it away.

Before he can say anything else I slide off the barstool watching him to see if he will follow. "Leave me alone."

"Fuck you to bitch." He hisses before going back to the task of his drugs.

I practically run to Olivia, wanting to leave this place and them behind. I don't feel safe anymore especially with Tracey get high and drunker. Who knows what he might do if we were alone.

"Fuck you Beth you know as well as I do what she did." Rodney spits the words out across the table.

"She's my sister what was I supposed to do."

"Stop okay; I don't want to talk about it." Olivia put her hand up.

"You think I want to talk about that bitch but Beth is the one who brought it up." Rodney never takes his eyes off of Beth. "Lily had to pay."

"Oh I think you and Dory did enough."

Olivia suddenly realizes I am standing beside her. "Hey." Her voice softens.

Who is this Lily person?

As much I want to decipher their words I really want to leave. "Olivia I need to talk to you."

"I can't right now." She silences what ever the other two where going to say with a look.

"No I need to talk to you now, I want to go."

I can see she is already losing her patience. "Then go, I'll see you at home." She pulls the keys out of her pocket and hand them to me.

"I want you to come with me."

"Natalia." She turns fully to me her face red with angry. "Please okay, I am trying to talk to Rodney and Beth, so if you want to go just go and I'll see you at home."

Beth downs another shot while Rodney picks at the shelled nuts.

I feel torn at the moment. I'm mad at Tracey for his words, I'm mad at Olivia for not coming with me and for not caring why I want to go. I'm mad at myself because I'm mad enough to leave her here.

I turn around without even bothering to give her one last look. If she doesn't care why I'm upset then I should leave. Obviously her friends are more important then me. These people who she hadn't seen in years are more important than me.

I rush out of the bar letting the warm wind hit my face. This is exactly what I needed some fresh air.

I don't know how long I walked; I only turned around when my legs start to burn. So here I am again across from the bar trying to find the courage to go back inside.

I lean against the brick wall debating what I should do next. I know I have to avoid Tracey or should I. If there is one thing that Olivia has taught me it was to face my fears, whether they be real or part of my vivid imagination. Maybe I should say something to her first.

After all he is her friend; she should be the one to put him in check.

But what if she doesn't believe me or just chalks it up to some drunk or high rant that he probably won't remember in the morning.

I breathe in deep. I need to get away from this place with my mind intact.

The door swings open with a loud thud against the wall.

Beth stumbles out of the bar holding onto the wall but eventually gravity wins and she slides down to the ground. She doesn't stop at sitting on the ground but continues to lay down only to be surrounded by three men.

I run across the street, to help a fellow woman, not my enemy.

"Hey leave her alone!" I yell at them as they try to pick her up. I don't believe all men are up to no good but they way they were looking tonight wouldn't have ended to well for Beth.

They all hold their hands up as they walk away.

I pull Beth up to a sitting position trying to stabilize her.

"Getthefuckoffme." She slurs the words into one.

"I'm trying to help you." I let her go only when I am sure she's able to support herself.

"Idon'tneedyourfuckinghelp… ."

A lesser person would have left her to fend for herself with all these men standing around, but not me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to her, no matter what she calls me.

I stand beside her in silence for what seems like hours.

"You think you're better than us." She sways even thought she's sitting down. "Oh don't even try to deny it. It shows in every thing you do."

I don't humor her with an answer or reply.

"She said it, she said she was better then us because she had the 'American dream'." Beth is somehow able to lift herself up to a some what standing position. "Both of you are wrong, she is and always will be a lair and a drug addict."

Instead of a snappy comeback, I decide to reproach Beth. Tracey or Keith which ever one it was said a lot of things earlier that I need clarified, I know she can help me here.

"You think you can change her?" Beth's hand wave through the air threatening to knock her down.

"What is it to you?"

"You can't, not you or Dory." She laughs like an evil villain. "You're just like her. You pretend you are above everyone and everything."

I lean back against the wall preparing myself for her rant. Maybe she will say what I want to hear without me questioning her.

"Oh yes Doris Wolfe, better than me. Pfft, yeah right. She used to be just like those idiots in there, if not worse."

I listen to her but the notion seems too foreign for my brain to comprehend. Candy's testimony told that Doris was a drug user that much is not in question, but the fact that she could act like Keith or Tracey. I just can't see Doris being anything but serious.

"But that was before Olivia Spencer hit the scene. You should have seen how hard up Dory was for her. Bet they didn't tell you about all the sex they had."

I have to give it to her, she's good. Digging at my weak spots even though I keep my face blank.

"Jealous." I see her reaction out the side of my eyes; she looks like I just slapped her. "Olivia has changed, for herself and for us."

"What do you owe her?"

I look at the ground wondering just how much she knows about my former life. "I owe her my life."

"What!" She starts to laugh.

For the first time since we started to talk I look her in the face. She grows serious clenching her teeth. "You think he was the first body under their belts." She looks away with a sad look. "Ask David Weller or Lily."

Her words snap something in side of me, how dare she accuse Olivia of being some kind of vicious killer. She wouldn't hurt anyone unless forced to, and who the hell is this Lily or Weller. "Why are you here?"  
"Because I owe her too." The melancholy in her voice alleviates some of my anger.

I look away just so I won't try to comfort her.

"Oh shit." Tracey and Keith come stumbling out of the bar their arms around each other. They hit the pavement with a loud thud.

They both roll onto their backs laughing at their predicament until their faces are red as the sun.

"Dude get you hand off my junk." Tracey rolls away from Keith. "Gaywad."

"Hey Natalia you should have been there." Keith looks up at me with snot and spit running down his face. "Olivia was like…" He makes a face before he and Tracey began laughing again.

I shake my head at both of them; no way had Doris acted like that.

"I didn't know you all were back in town." Father Ray comes to stand beside Beth giving her a disapproving look.

"Father." I greet him with a nod of my head, happy at the interruption.

"More like faggot." Tracey jumps of the ground pulling Keith up with him.

They surround Father Ray mere inches from his face like two high school bullies.

"Alright fellas lets calm down." Father Ray tries to put some room between the three of them with no success.

"Or what bitch? What are you on the prowl for lost little boys?" Tracey growls loudly.

"What happen to you as a child has nothing to do with me." Father Ray answers back taking a step away form the two.

Keith laughs, his eyes wide, pointing at Tracey. "Dude he totally got you."

"Fuck you." Tracey pushes him and they start to wrestle falling to the ground again.

"Fucking retards." Beth slides back down the wall.

"Natalia."

I follow Ray a few steps away from the tussling two.

"How is Olivia?" He looks over my shoulder.

"Fine, I mean, I don't know. She won't talk to me." I sign letting my shoulders slump.

"That's…" He points at Beth.

"Beth, her old friend."

Relief floods his posture.

Who else could it be?

"Right, okay." He looks around, for what I have no clue. "Tell Olivia to call me."

"Okay, but you are still accompanying me on my trip."

"Of course. I know you are just as excited as I am to tour the underground shelters."

"I am." I really am, but I am having second thoughts. I don't feel comfortable leaving Olivia her with them. I never thought I would say the words but I wish Doris were here with Olivia while I'm away. I would hate to cancel my trip knowing how hard it was for Father Ray to get access to some of the homes we are visiting.

He looks over my shoulder again with a look of worry.

I want to ask what his problem is but I'm afraid of the answer. What if he came here for Olivia? What if my mother was right and Olivia has been lying to me this whole time? What if he knows everything up till now has been a lie and is trying to protect me?

"Yes well I should get going." He smiles at me before walking away.

I walk back towards the bar rejoining the trio against the wall.

Keith is bent over holding his nose.

"Gross." Beth steps away from him.

He stands up with blood running down between his fingers. "Don't worry." His voice is muffled by his hand. "It happens." He takes the tail of his shirt holding it up to his nose.

"Someone need a new nose?" Tracey jokes. "Hey Beth, where did you get your fixed?"

"Fuck you Tracey." She actually spits at him.

He jumps out of the way knocking Keith down to the ground.

"Dude you better not bleed on my shoes." Tracey kicks Keith in the side making him roll away from him.

"You fucking asshole." Keith gets up leaning against someone car, dripping blood on the hood.

"I think I'm gong to be sick."

Even in the dim light of the street he looks pale.

I try to help him stand or at least get back the wall that could hold him up. "Help me." I call out to the others but they are walking away.

"Fuck him." Beth throws over her shoulder.

"Just sit down for a minute." I guide him down the curb. "I'll be right back, just stay awake."

He nods propping himself up with one arm.

I run back into the bar searching the crowd for Olivia or Rodney.

"HEY LOOK WHO IT IS?" Rodney jumps out of no where into my face.

I step back offended by his breathe.

"Hey." Olivia jumps on his back look at me over his shoulder. "I thought you went home."

I look at her silently. Am I shocked or mad? Neither I knew the night was going to end like this, but I still thought I would have more of a visceral reaction. I thought I would make a scene; slap him and maybe her. Maybe even flip over a table, but I know I wouldn't really do that, it's just something that ran through my head while I was walking, some outrageous reaction.

"Keith is sick."

"That fucking asshole, I swear he can't keep a secret down." Rodney pushes past me with Olivia on his back.

I stop to pick up Beth and Olivia's purse before following them outside.

Olivia hops down off of Rodney's back bending over Keith who is laid out on the ground.

"He's fine; pick him up so we can get him to the hotel." Olivia pats Rodney's shoulder jump starting him into action. "Come on Natalia lets find the car."

Suddenly all the angry of today hit me; her keeping Rodney's presence away from me, her drinking, her not caring that I was upset, her ordering me around like I'm one of them, her lying to me.

I plant myself to the spot where I stand refusing to follow.

She noticing I'm not following. "Natalia lets go."

"No."

"Oh oh." Rodney adjusts Keith onto his shoulder turning back to us.

"I'm going to my mother's."  
"Why?" Olivia asks like it's not obvious why I'm mad. She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Can we not do this tonight?"

"Yes we can that's why I'm gong to my mother's. I'll bring the car to the hotel in the morning." I turn around leaving them on the side of the street.

After the way I talked to my mother defending Olivia as she pays me back by doing this.

"Fuck it lets go." I hear her say.

After a night of tossing and turning I walk into the local bakery around 10 a.m. I'm mad at everyone now. I can't believe my mother had the nerve to not tell me she had seen Rodney, my children had been in the car with him.

It took me an hour to get out of bed and not sulk for the rest of the day. Sulking never got me anywhere. I need to express to Olivia how she hurt me by her action and maybe I can get through to her that she has a problem.

I spot Beth at the check in counter. She looks much better that she did last night. She white shirt and pants set sparkle like new.

I stroll up to her with an air full of confidence I have never possessed and still don't. "I think we got off one the wrong foot." I lean against the counter somewhat casual, anything to stop from fidgeting.

She looks at me with a bewildered stare then starts to laugh, confusing me, then angering me. "Look I'm trying." I bite my tongue to keep from calling her a nasty word that rhythms with witch.

"No, I'm sorry. I get this all the time." She smirks at me holding her hand out. "I'm Lily."

"Lily?" I leave her hand suspended between us. The woman everyone was talking about last night.

"Yes, ma'am." She pulls her hand back. "You are probably looking for my sister Beth." She looks away from me then back. "Anyway I do not blame you for not liking her but don't take it out on me."

I let the shock run its course before feeling my face turn red. "Oh my god, I'm so-"

"Don't, please she has that affect on people, especially significant others." Lily winks at me before turning back to the cashier paying for her Danish.

I feel myself blush even more, is she flirting with me.

"I wouldn't even mind if you called her a bitch, God knows I have."

She's reading my mind.

Lily shakes her shoulder length hair but it fall back perfectly around her face.

"I wouldn't."

"I'll do it for you." We both laugh.

It feels good to know that my feelings aren't unfounded. Its not my uneasy feeling of jealously that is leading the way and it's not because she was drunk or in a bad mood, she's just a bitch.

I sigh in relief of finally being able to say it even in my head.

"You said it didn't you?" She gives me a knowing smile.

"I still feel like I need to apologize for my tone."

"How about you take me to lunch, I shouldn't be having this anyway." She holds up the apple Danish.

"Um, sure."

"Great if you're not busy now I know this great little place serves breakfast all day and I am just determined to ruin my diet."

"Okay, sure."

After we are seated at our table silence wraps itself around us.

I guess our mutual dislike of Beth is not really a great lunch conversation.

"I heard this place has great margaritas." I pick up my menu trying to get some more information about who she is.

"I don't drink." She gives me an apologetic smile.

Thank god. She really is the good twin. "Me neither."

"Just checking, huh?" Her eyes twinkle with wit.

A few seconds pass, could have been a few minutes, but the silence is deafening.

I know it would be rude just to jump in to questioning her. I wonder if she knows they talk about her behind her back, more like argue about her. What I really want to know is what she didn't to tear them apart. Did she date Olivia a long time? Was she also in love with Olivia? Did Olivia love her like she loves me? Does she want Olivia back? And how did she overcome when her sister didn't?

Lily exhales loudly gaining my attention. "Look this doesn't have to be awkward." She reaches across that table but doesn't try to touch me. "I've been where your place, the constant wondering, so maybe this will easy your mind. Olivia and I were involved in a relationship. But please know that I am not here to win her back." She hurries to cover herself. "Maybe Beth but not me."

"Why should I believe you?" The question flows out of my mouth before I have a chance to filter it.

Her eyes soften but she smiles. "Between us, Olivia and I didn't have the healthiest relationship. We were both using heavily; that and two head strong people don't mix. Something had to give."

For some reason I believe her. I don't know if it is the look in her eyes or the tone of her voice but I believe her.

"Okay." I say to her looking back to the menu.

"If you don't mind I would love it if you didn't tell anyone I'm in town. Just making sure Beth keeps her damage to a minimum. So let's talk about something that will take my mind off of the calories of their short stack with hash browns and omelet."

In no time we are chatting like old friends, I tell her about the center and she even offered to donate money. We are alike in so many ways. She even has a cross necklace that she never takes off, says it's her lucky charm. I used to think mine would protect me from the abuse.

Before I know it we've shared dessert and have moved on to coffee.

Her laugh is infectious, showing two perfect rows of pearly whites. "No I'm telling you I work, but it's with a lot of head strong people, they will not back down."

"I couldn't image working in that kind of high stress environment."

"It's no problem for me, I'm used to head strong people, it just a matter of breaking them down usually." The look in her eyes is one of determination, something I would probably be scared of in any other setting.

Her words seem strange to me. I get the feeling she's not just talking about people in her work.

"So tell me how is marriage going for you?" She asks sipping then adding more sugar.

"It's been wonder to say the least. Olivia is just perfect our kids adore her so much." I dig down in my purse pulling out a picture of Rafe and Emma hugging Olivia. I pass it across the table watching Lily melt at the picture.

"Oh my god they are so precious." She pulls out a picture from her own purse. The picture is of three girls all in red dresses and white sweaters. They look just like her, blonde hair and gray eyes.

"They are so cute."

"From my first husband, it's the only reason I stayed with him so long. Enough about me." She takes another sip. "So are you two trying for a third? I know much of a tease Olivia can be." She winks at me with a shy grin on her lips.

"Oh please." I wave her off. "Olivia has to pry the children at the center from my arms."

"That's really is a noble thing you are doing, with those women and children. I used to do my part in teaching self defense."

"I do it because I was once in their shoes. But that was before Olivia."

Lilly forces a smile to her face that never reaches her eyes.

"She is just great with Rafe and Emma."

"I'm glad to hear she is doing better. God." She huffs. "When we were in school it was bad for both of us. I didn't think she would live to see graduation. My heart stopped when she showed up. Anyway she used to be a real flirt and really kinky, like bondage." Her eye gloss over like she has forgotten where she was and who she was talking to. She quickly recovers with an apologetic smile. "I am so sorry you don't want to hear about our sex life."

I know it was bad but I had no ideal it was that bad. Olivia never tells me the whole story just snippet here and there while we lay in bed after a particularly bad night. She doesn't want me to know about her party days or her so called weaknesses. She doesn't want to tarnish my image of her.

Its like I tell her all the time, I know she wasn't a virgin when I met her and I know she was an addict. Just because I tell her she is perfect doesn't mean I live by it, she is human and allowed to have fault. I would be crazy to just blindly look past them all the time, but what I don't know is why. What I want to know is how it shaped her life, the good, the bad and the blurry. Sometimes I feel lift out of that part of her life. Anytime I push, she gets so mad and retreats into herself. And it's not just any argument it turns into a full blown melt down. She'll leave for hours without calling but she does come home like she promised.

"Why wouldn't she show up to her own graduation?"

"That night before…oh we shouldn't be discussing her without her consent."

Damn she's right.

"She must have told you why we broke up."

"No." She didn't even tell me they dated. In fact the first time I've heard the name Lily was yesterday.

"We had the same problem, communication, what with the drugs and Wolfe always between us."

I groan at the mention of Doris. She has to know how I feel about that relationship no matter how much I accept it. She's been through the same thing.

Lily laughs. "Trust me I know. I could go on and on about her but there are not enough hours in the day and you would eventually need sleep, so don't get me started." She shakes her head looking at me with striking gray eyes. "That night," She starts off slowly. "Olivia threw a party and we were drinking pretty heavily and doing drugs. Everyone left and we settled down for the night."

Her eyes tear up. "We fought about Wolfe…I found out there were so many other girls. Things got out of control, we both had tempers." She scoffs wiping at her eyes. "Olivia can be pretty mean when she wants to, I just kept pushing her."

Lily's eyes drop to the table. She combs her long strains behind her ear and I have to grip the table to keep from gasping. There is a long scar running from behind her ear down under her chin.

"I was in their shoes too." She looks up at me with watery eyes. "But that was with Olivia."

My breathe catches in my chest. It couldn't be. She has to be lying. Olivia would never do anything like that to someone. Why would she lie?

"No." I cover my mouth with my hand. I don't believe it.

"Please I didn't show you that to scare you or even change your opinion of Olivia, just as a warning."

"She wouldn't." I stand up gathering my things.

"She did." Lily puts her hand on my arm. "Please she is your wife and has changed so much, don't hold something she did when she was high against her."

I look at Lily, not sure what to say. Is this why Olivia won't tell me about those years? Was she abusive? No, she wouldn't, would she?

"I have to go." I excuse myself from the restaurant.

Lily follows me to the parking lot. "Please Natalia calm down."

"No, no." I turn around to face her. "How can I and you just told me my wife did that," I point at her face.

Self consciously she combs her hair back over the scar.

"She did that to you?" I ask in disbelief.

"She didn't mean it, like I said she was high and angry. She changed right?"

"Yes."

"Then let the past stay where it belongs. Don't ruin what you have over something that was my fault."

Her words knock the air out of my chest again. She's taking the blame for being abused. I know why, I did the same thing but not with Olivia. Never with Olivia.

"Excuse me." I climb into the borrowed SUV which I'm not sure why I am still driving.

The whole ride to the hotel I push the speed limit and probably ran a few yellow lights but I pull up the hotel and stump in with a bitter determination.

"Mrs. Rivera, good afternoon." Greg greets me in his normal chirper voice, but I am in no mood.

"Olivia?"

"Ah, she's in the dining hall with her friends. I left you a message that she asked you to come later in the afternoon, did you not get it." Greg moves in my path to the dining hall.

"No I forgot my phone again."

"You really should get you a belt holder, I noticed you have a habit of leaving your phone at home." He talks nervously still standing in my way.

"Greg, if you don't move I'll be forced to move you."

He thinks for a second before stepping aside. "But can you tell her I tried."

I nod my head before almost running down the hall.

Olivia, Rodney, Tracey, and Keith are all sitting at a table.

"I guess you couldn't wait to get me out of your hair so you could drink." I exclaim across the room.

Olivia jumps out of her chair intercepting me before I can scream anymore. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She pushes me through the double door leading to the kitchen area.

"My problem Olivia is that you promised me you wouldn't drink and yet here you are." I pull out of her grasp. I don't what her touching me, it might be a lie too.

"It was one-"

I cut her off. "What! One drink, that's all I here from you Olivia. It was one drink, but its not. It never was. You've been lying to me this whole time."

"Lower your voice."

"No, how many have you really had."

"None of your fucking business."

I feel like she just slapped me. Then I feel like I'm blowing this out of portion because of what Lily just told me but I know I'm not. Olivia has a problem that she refuses to address.

"Olivia."

"God, what Natalia? What is it that you what me to do, all I am trying to do is have a good time. Okay?"

"It's not okay that you've been lying to me." I soften my voice trying to get through to her one way or another. This avoidance thing we've been doing is going to tear us apart. I can't stand by silently anymore. I need answers now. I need my Olivia to talk to me, not Green. "Who is Lily?"

She looks at me with a blank stare almost like she didn't hear me. "I don't know anyone named Lily."

"You're going to lie to my face." I throw my hands in the air. When did we start on this road of dishonesty. "Do you care or even know what you are doing?"

"I know what I am doing." Olivia paces in front of me ruffling her hair.

"Did you know what you where doing to Lily's face?"

Her head jerks in my direction with a look I've never seen before. It's scary to say the least.

"How do you…It's not what you think."

"Then tell me, because I am and sick and tired of hearing it from everyone else."

She stands silent staring at the wall. "Then stopping fucking prying into my business!"

"What?"

"Why don't you go to your mother and talk about me behind my back. Better yet go on your little trip with Ray."

My mind is reeling from her words. What happened to us?

"Olivia?" Her words sting, I don't think I've ever heard her speak to me in such a way.

"If I want to drink I will and there is nothing you can do about it." Olivia scuffs her shoes on the floor. "I don't know what it is going to take to get you to trust me but I am tired of trying to prove myself to you and everyone else. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough for you or if I don't have the same religious values as you do but I'm me. I'm Olivia Spencer. I think you need to decide if I'm what you want or if the ideal of me was it. I don't need you to police me. I don't want you hanging over my back all the time. So go on your trip. You'll see I won't drink not one drop but not because you think I have a problem but because I want to prove to you I don't."

She combs her hands through her hair grinding her teeth. "I'll see you when you get back."

"We aren't finished talking."

"Yes we are. Call me when you land. I don't care either way." She walks out through the doors.

When I finally composed myself their table is empty.

I don't know what I'm feeing right now. I don't know if I should go after her or just go home. Should I stay here or go on my trip.

How did I let things get so out of control?

It's a childish approach to take but I'm going to take it. If she doesn't care than I don't care. Maybe the best thing for us is to be apart. Maybe what ever this is will have worked its way out of her system when I get back. I'm sick and tired of having to snoop, when it could be as simple as her telling me what I want to know. Marriages aren't supposed to have secret and yet hers keep popping out at every turn in the road.

I will go on my trip and she can do whatever she wants with out having to hide from me.

**Olivia**

Today is as about as worse and worse gets. First I _was_ able to avoid Natalia after out fight but somehow she caught up with me this morning. I know I was wrong for talking other the way I did but she had no business talking to Lily.

There was not much I could say to make things right. I messed up, I let my weak come through and I took it out on her.

She was still mad when she left. She was more sad than mad that I talked to her the way I did. But I promised her it was the alcohol talking and even went so far as to show her a scheduled appointment with a therapist and a pamphlet of AA meetings that I'm going to attend.

I think the only thing that made her feel at least a little better was the fact that the pack had checked out of their hotel room last night. I think she thought they had left.

It still took a lot of convincing by Father Ray and her mother to leave.

Then again I think she left to get away from me. She might be just a little scared of me now and some distance is what we need. But first I have to take care of some business.

As soon as Natalia's plane left the ground all I could see was red. How the hell did Lily slip into town without my knowledge, better yet how did she get close to my wife. There is no telling what she is capable of doing.

When I told Rodney he almost put a hole in the wall something I felt like doing myself but instead of doing damage to myself I'm going to do it to her.

I pull up to the bed and breakfast and she there, standing out in the garden like she belongs there.

The slamming our car doors make her turns around and for a second I feel good. Her face is full of shock but she quickly covers it with a blank face that she has worn since those days.

"Rodney, stay." I command him as I approach Lily.

"It's good to see you again." She smiles bringing the piping hot coffee mug up to her lips. "Have you been a good girl for me?"

I explode at her comment swing and knocking the cup out of her hand. I want to howl at some of the liquid spilling onto the back of my hand but I won't give her the satisfaction. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Not happy right now."

"You stay the fuck away from Natalia or I swear to God…"

"What Green, you going to stick your hound dogs on me. You think I'm scared of you or Doris?" She smiles smugly like she has won something.

"I'm not kidding." I clench my fist ready for a real fight.

"Oh I know that's why I had to talk to her first before you spread any lies about me." As calm as the summer nights she bends down picking up the cup. "I guess she told you what we talked about, mainly you. What you did to my face, how much of a slut you are."

"You think I believe your lies."

"No we did, she told me about your…how should I put it…hesitations in the bedroom area."

I grab her shirt bunching it up in my fist. "Shut up."

"I told her how much of a whore you were, how you begged for me to punish you when you weren't a good little girl for me."

I shove her backwards, she trips falling to the ground. My head is starting to swim. I can't let her get in my head again. I'm stronger that that.

"Tell me Olivia you still want to be tied up." She lifts herself to her feet keeping her distance. "Because I could do that for you, but I promised Natalia she could have you first."  
"Shut up."

"You should have seen her face when I told her how you wanted it."

I take a step towards her fully intending on shutting her mouth with my fist.

She holds her hand up backing away from me. "I promised her I wouldn't tell you but she said she couldn't wait to fuck you into submission."

Before she can finish I rush her connecting my hand to her face. Her head whips back rustling her perfectly face framing hair.

She stands in disbelief she wants to attack but she knows better. She faster and stronger than me but she knows when she been beaten.

"You either leave today, right now or I promise you your stay will be painful." I look her dead I her eyes, I can't let her hurt Natalia. She's evil with an angelic exterior. I know personally she can fool a lot of people and get them to let their guards down, but not my wife. I can't let her do that to her.

Lily laughs like I just told her a joke. "You are such a tease," She holds up her hands again when I approach. "Okay, okay, I'm gone."

"If I come back here tonight and you are still here…"

"I guess Beth is good enough but I never was."

"And never will be."

She shrugs her shoulders. "I'm gone, but believe me. Natalia will contact me. She's so sweet I think I might teach her a thing or two when she comes to me."

I don't respond instead I watch her disappear inside before I let my guard slowly fall. My whole body hurts from being tense so long. I'm usually not violent. I hate to physically fight, but Lily brings that out of me, especially when I feel like I or the people I love are in danger.

And I would do anything necessary for Natalia; I just hope that does occur again.

God I need a drink, but not until after I'm sure she is gone.

"That's what I'm talking about Gre- I mean Olivia." Rodney bounces excitedly in front of the car. "You should have decked her right in her ugly face again. What'd she say?"

"Get in the car."

We both get back in the car. The adrenaline I was running on has begun to wane.

"So what's next?"

"Five days. Five days before Natalia is due back. I have to tell her about Lily and why she has to stay away from her." I start the engine, praying I have the strength to go through with it.

"What's there to tell? She should be proud of you."

"I can't lose her."

"Why would you?"

I back out into the street, taking a deep breath before I start back to the hotel. "I want to have a party and tell Keith and Tracey they can come. After this no more drinking."

"Okay."

"I'm serious. I have to be sober for Natalia and our kids. They are depending on me to keep my promises to them."

"Okay! Whatever you say."

The party is in full swing as I make my way into the suite. It was supposed to be one night but we decided we needed another few nights.

I go to my bedroom a little more than drunk. Sleep is more important than anything right now. In two days everything will be right, Natalia will be home, but I'll have to explain why Rodney is still here. But the pack will be gone.

It took thousands of promises not to drink to get Natalia to get on the plane with Father Ray. And I kept those promises exactly 10 hours.

I laugh at myself.

I shouldn't laugh, that probably means I have a problem. Which would mean everyone was right all along.

Anyhow I'm just glad we parted on good terms or as best as the situation would allow. I did keep one promise. I have called her everyday to check in, even if I get her answering machine. She's giving me the silent treatment, I still leave a message on phone.

The pillow feels like heaven under my head. No matter how sleepy or drunk I am my body won't quit. The tension of not being with Natalia has got my body humming with unreleased tension. I miss our adult time.

"Fine." I say rolling over on my back. The thoughts run rapidly behind my eyelids never stilling long enough for me.

I pick up my phone calling Natalia. Phone sex is one of our favorite past time even if we are at home I'll go to another room just to call her. The call goes to her voice mail but just the sound of her voice is good enough for me. My hand slips under the waist band of my silk pajamas.

"Oh god."

The first touch of her cool finger are always enough to make me fall. I think it would impossible to love anyone more than I love Natalia; the way she always knows how I feel, how it's enough to just hold me when I relapse about her being inside of me. Just the thought of her compromising makes me change my mind. Sometimes I need her inside of me, without even the want of release. Sometimes I just need her there to reassure me just touch me to let me know this is real.

I can feel her fingers dance around my clit teasing me. "Don't torture me babe." She presses harder. "Right there."

"Here?" A body presses down onto me interrupting the pattern of my hand.

My eyes fly open at the voice. I try to close my legs but she's already there, forcing her hand between us.

"You been teasing my all night."

"Lily stop!" I'm barely able to croak fighting against her hands.

She has the upper hand pressing her weight down on my chest, our hands fight for position with her getting the better of me.

I feel slow and sluggish from the alcohol.

Her hands rip at the silk material covering my body. The straps on my nighty break, the seams of the pant rip with a cruel sound. My bra the last thing covering me is pushed up, exposing my chest.

Somehow we lock our free hands but she's quicker and she takes hold of my wrist push it above me head. I hear more that I feel the pop in my shoulder and I know I'm in trouble. The pain hits me like a train, knocking the air out of my chest. For a second I really think about passing out but I know I can't. No matter how much it hurts the pain I would wake up to would be much more.

"Come on Green you know you want it." She whispers in my ear, fingering at my entrance.

I try to push her off my but my strength fails me. I feel like a helpless kitten fighting.

"Please Lily stop." I find my voice but only a fraction of it. I wish I could scream, but I screamed the first time and no one was there to help.

"You're so wet."

My fight doubles as I feel her hand slide across my sex. I finally extract her hand but she's still stronger pinning both my arms above my head with one hand again. Her other hand pulls my shirt down lower.

I can't breathe with her here. The blood pumps through my ears at a deafening pace. I try to buck her off my.

"Keep going, Livia. You feel so good." I stop, lying still, maybe playing right into her hand. "I felt how wet you were, you can't convince me you don't want it." She says this looking down at me like a predator that has caught his prey. "I didn't even bring the cuffs this time." I feel her grind onto me.

My eyes become too blurry to see.

I feel like I'm back in college, the day before graduation when everything is supposed to change. You are supposed to become an adult, a real one. You're supposed to get a job, start a stable family, let go of childish things, but that was the day before.

That night I was lying in my room high from a whole day of drugs with my legs spread open like a common whore. That was the day when Lily asked me if I was ready and I stupidly answered maybe. I asked her to go slow, be gentle. She didn't. When I said stop we fought she tied my arm to the bed, she grabbed, pinched, bit at my sensitive flesh.

I said stop, screamed, cried, but she didn't that day. That day she buried her fingers inside of me, burning a hole in my soul, my body. That day I screamed at the pain, until she came riding the back of her own hand. She stayed in me on top of me kissing my neck, thanking me, telling me we should do it again, while I cried.

And when she left that was the day I tried to find a little peace. But it didn't matter. After 4 hours in the E.R. with Rodney and Doris watching my stomach being pumped and my wrist bandaged, I walked across the stage. That day I smile and decided to grow up and put yesterday aside. That day I decided to become a full blown cocaine addict, but I grew up none the less.

Lily's teeth biting into my areole brings me back. Once again her hand forces itself between my legs. She's in no rush. Her hand moves slowly between us, like my pleas for her to stop are foreplay. And maybe they are and I don't know it. Isn't it why he chose me, why she did and maybe why Natalia did? I know she wants to use restraints she's told me that much. I can see it in her eyes when she slips into dominatrix mode.

Finally I get my good arm loose enough to push her head away from my chest. Lily looks down at me with blank eyes. "You draw blood, I draw blood."

Still I dig my nails into her jaw right at the original spot. Ironically she is the one who taught me defensive moves, she taught the women defense class at the college. And with all my knowledge and strength I can't win. I never have been able to win. Just like last time she'll lay beside me, cuddling, telling me how good I was and how we should do it again, and how if I would just stop struggling I would have liked it to.

I can feel the warm liquid of saliva running down the side of my breast. With only one arm working I decide to fight her hand, I let her jaw go digging my nails into her forearm trying to extract it with all my might.

"I bet Natalia has loosened you up for me. Did she?" Her hand rubs against my now desert dry sex, once, twice, three times. "Come on, we know you like it hard and rough. She told me."

I feel light headed, like I can sleep now but I can't. Lily's finger is wiggling its way into me. "Please, Lily no. Please." My voice is hoarse to my own ears. I wonder if she even heard me.

"Why do you tease me like that? Huh?" Her hand wraps around my throat squeezing the tears out of my eyes, she lays on my side pulling her hand out of my ripped pants.

The feeling of her breath against my ear is sickening. "Not so tough now are we?"

"Please let me go." It's getting harder to breathe.

"Not until you say it, say you are sorry for teasing me."

"I'm sorry." I whisper trying to keep it from reaching my ears.

Her hand squeezes tighter.

"I'm sorry for teasing you." I yell hoping it's enough for her to let the oxygen flow freely again.

"Tsst, tsst. Now what would Natalia think if she heard you've been unfaithful." Her hold loosens. "I was prepared to take you until you passed out."

I feel her free hand run down my chest again.

"You know she already thinks you're a whore, I just hate to be the one to confirm it for her, but I'm sure she'll know how to break you. I'll be sure of that." She relaxes beside me but her hold never loosens enough for me to break free. I wrap my hand around her fingers trying to find more room to breathe.

"Does she call you a good girl when she fucks you, I bet you like that, don't you. Did you tell her I was the first to call you that?" She climbs back on top of me with steel eyes. "I don't want to hear about this. Did you hear me?"

Lily squeezes my breast so hard I almost scream from the pain. It almost makes me forget about the pain in my shoulder.

"Yes."

"I like it more when you scream no." She lets me go sliding beside me.

I should get up and leave, go to the police, go home, anywhere but here. And what happens when I go home, do I tell Natalia? Would she believe me, knowing the history of me and Lily? What would I tell her? She'll know and though she would try she won't be able to keep the revulsion out of her eyes. She'll think I asked for it in my drunken state, maybe I did. I should have locked the door instead of being in such a hurry to call her. How could I have been so stupid and got so complacent with others around. I used to be on top of things, didn't I?

I push Lily away rolling out of the bed. I barely make it to the commode before releasing everything I had eaten. After a few minutes the dry heaving stops.

Lily stands at the door with a look of disgust. Do I disgust her? Do I disgust Natalia?

Maybe it's just me who is prone to being attacked, falling victim to my own flirtatious personality. After all she wouldn't have done that if I hadn't teased her.

I hold my torn shirt up over my chest trying to hold on to what little dignity I had left in her eyes.

"Next time." She winks at me before leaving.

The cold tile cradles my body until I am numb all over. The floor is actually warmer that I am. The ability to feel has somehow been lost. This numbness is foreign but familiar and welcomed. Am I in shock? How long have I been on the floor? Who knows? How long will the numbness last? Who cares?

The room spins like a record being scratched, but somehow I manage to stand. I make it to the bedroom.

The numbness begins to fade flooding my whole being with pain. Everything hurts. Did she make it inside of me? I don't even remember, but it hurts, my chest, my arm, back, my…No do not think about it. I struggle to stand up holding my displaced arm against my body. The first things I have to do it stop the pain. I rummage through the medicine cabinet finally finding the pain pills. I open the bottle with my teeth with pure determination. Without second thought I empty half the bottle in my palm and throw them in my mouth. I feel them slide dryly down my throat.

I sit down on the toilet waiting for the pills to take effect then it hits me. I just took hand full of high dosage pain pills. Immediately I turn around sticking my finger down my throat. The pills come up without much hesitation.

I drop back down on the floor. "Why the fuck would you do that? That was stupid, you could have killed yourself."

I just want the pain to go away, forever.

I swipe the rest off the pills off the counter swallowing two of them.

After a few minutes I start to the feel the numbing effect of the drug course through my body. The pain in my shoulder starts to die down.

I don't know how long it has been but I know I need to get up. As much as I would like to sit down here and sleep I have to keep my eyes open I know what will happen if I close them.

As the world wobbles under me I pull myself up stumbling into the bedroom.

I change clothes the best way I can with one arm. The pajama pants I took off have small droplets of blood. Hopefully she just scratched me.

I redress in clean clothes. The old pajamas are ripped, torn, and spotted with blood. They are no good. No they have been spoiled, tainted by the touch of someone else besides Natalia. I've been soiled.

With a new sense of purpose I throw the dirty clothes away and reapply my make up without a mirror. I don't want to see what's staring back at me, a victim or the adulterer. I don't want to relate to them. I'm not them; I'm not any one, not yet.

I can't switch to autopilot like I used to; the pain is increasing with every step and breath. I need something to make the numbness come back so I can think, no so I can stop thinking. The pills aren't working.

I walk across the room spotting the phone on the floor stops me. I pick it up and just for the hell of it call Natalia. Voicemail again. I call Doris receiving her voice mail too.

That has to be a sign. I throw the phone onto the bed. I need something to conquer, to bend to my will. I can't wait for Natalia to get back and I couldn't possibly use her that way. Natalia is not the submissive person she used to be. Unlike me she has come a long way from the person she used to be.

I freeze at the entrance of the bedroom door. The elevator dings open and a few muffled voices float through the wooden door.

I listen carefully to make sure Lily hasn't come back, I couldn't take it if she came back to finish. The fight in me is gone and I truly don't think I would make it through the night if she succeeded this time.

"Green you up here?" I hear Tracey's voice bellow. The sound of things being knocked over startles me in to action.

As if it were a sign from God I open the door taking in the scene in front of me. Tracey, Beth, Keith and three unidentifiable women all are sprawled around the room.

Tracey sits on the couch with a large amount of cocaine spread out in front of him. He was never the person to waste time.

Beth has lain on the counter top with her head buried in her arms.

Keith and one of the girls are on the floor two second from intercourse.

"Green it's about time you joined the party!" Tracey pushes one of the girls away from him patting the seat cushion next to him. "Come sit down."

I want to go sit down but my arm is beginning to hurt again. I need to fix it before I can do anything else.

"Tracey I need you to come in here." I point back to the bedroom.

"Why?"

"Please." My cool exterior is beginning to crack. I feel like I'm being pulled in five different directions. I want to find Lily and kick her ass. I want to end this pain. I want to fix my arm. I want to run until I collapse but what I really want, what I think could help me with all those things, is those few lines of powder Tracey has separated.

Tracey follows my sight to the drugs. He picks up his kit along with a pint of vodka. He kicks Keith as he passes by. "K, get up."

"Ouch dude."

"Come on, it's not like you can get it up anyway."

"Fuck you."

I follow Tracey into the room. The pain in my arm is really starting to hurt. With my good arm I hug it closer to my body which might actually be making it worse.

"What's up with your arm?"

"I fell."

Tracey looks at me in suspicion but he lets it go.

"What's up?" Keith walks in closing the door behind him.

"I need help putting my shoulder back in place." I pull the side of my shirt down showing them the misalignment.

"Ouch, that looks like it hurts." Keith inspects my shoulder closer. "She can be fixed we have the money."

"Shut up, asshole." I sit on the bed contemplating if I should take my shirt off or not. There are scratches all over plus I don't feel like getting naked in front of anyone. "Tracey." I gesture him over.

He looks at me for a long second before picking up the mirror.

"No." He pauses. "I don't want it." I don't. I can't.

"It'll take the edge off."

"No, I can't." I focus on everything except him; truth is I want nothing more than to use but I made a promise that I would like to keep.

"Whatever. Lay back."

I can't, not on this bed.

"Olivia lay back."

"I can't." I ball my fist to keep from crying.

"Here." Keith holds out a pint. "This will help you relax."

I know I shouldn't because of the pill I took but I need something else to easy the anxiety. I take the bottle downing half the bottle in no time. Even though it burns I know it will work. Hopefully I'll forget about tonight.

We sit in silence for a long time until the room being to tilt. "Okay."

I lay back then sit up closing my eyes against the world. "Keith?" I keep my eyes closed as Tracey feels around my shoulder.

"Yea?"

"One line, then I'm finished."

"Yea?"

"Yea."

**Natalia**

It's been almost two days since I came back home from my trip. I expected my wife to be at the airport to greet me like she always is. Olivia was no where to be found. That was the first sign something was wrong. The second clue came in the form of me sleeping alone. No matter how I beg or call Olivia always has something to do away from me. Two days without being able to hold Olivia. Tonight is no different. She claimed she had a late phone conference with the hotel managers. I don't believe her. I visited the hotel and Greg said he hadn't seen them in days.

I hope it has nothing to do with her drinking.

Even when I get her on the phone she seems to be up and down like she is bipolar.

I hope it's just that dance we do sometimes when she needs to figure out her feelings.

"Olivia?" I sit up on the bed rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. 3 a.m. and she's just getting home. "Baby?" The trail of wrinkled clothes leads to the bathroom, which is already filled with steam. "Baby?"

"Yea?" Her voice sound a little shaky.

"What's wrong?" I love my wife; nothing in the world could change that fact. There are so many things I love about her. The expensive shampoo and conditioner, her sense of style, penetrating eyes, the way she walks, talks, or just the way she can destroy a person with a look or a word.

But more of all I love her weaknesses, because they are ours. No one else is allowed to see them, sooth them but me. I love that about us. I don't understand them sometimes, the way she can stand up to anything and anyone and in the next minute she's a trembling mass huddled in the nearest corner.

That's the time when the dance starts. When she is at her lowest and can't tell which way is up I swooped in like a hero and save her from herself.

This is one of those times; I shed my clothes, preparing for the burning sensation of the hot water. I've learned not to surprise her during these moods, she'll run, not a phone call or message for days. But I'll wait until she tries, not matter how subtle, a silent voice message, an empty text, hell even a shy wave across the room. Those are the moment I jump into action and not a moment sooner.

I drop the kids off to be spoiled at Grandma's, go to Olivia where ever she maybe, most times at the hotel. Nothing is said to be said until she says something first. I let her get in the shower first, skin melting under the hot water, I wait, and then get in, and helping her wash away what ever invisible problem is plaguing her.

"Baby I'm coming in."

"One second." The dark shadow of her silhouette moves frantically, scrubbing, washing, rinsing and repeating.

I know the water it too hot just to jump in. I have to ease in. Fully inside I stare at her back. Beautiful, more than capable shoulder blades work tirelessly. "Olivia."

As expect she'll freezes, hold a guarded position, ready to strike at a threat. The hard muscles, just underneath her soft skin ripple, taunt with anticipation.

"Come here." I'll reach besides her turning the cold water up.

The dance starts this way every time.

Step 1: Relax. I'll massage her back and shoulders, anywhere she'll let me, until her shoulders will shake with violent sobs.

Step 2: Closeness. I'll hug her close as I let her cry, turning her to me encircling her in my arms.

A place I promised she could hide and feel safe, know that she is safe. She'll fight the pull, hold up her resistance, and stand still waiting for the let down, the stinging words.

I won't do it; part of her knows it, just loves to test. I'm confident, I've never failed and I don't plan on ever doing so.

So we'll wait. I'll wait on pins and needles. This is the hardest step for me, when she cries. I hate it when she cries, even happy tears. Each tear burns a hole into my skin, harvesting the gnawing feeling in my stomach.

I wish I were strong enough to obliterate the past and start a new for her, but I can't so I dance with her.

I'll simply hold her listening to the broken sentences of anguish and pain. And when I can't take it anymore, I'll kiss her, kiss away the tears. Without much breaking of our contact I'll run us a bubble bath. I'll make it as hot as I can stand, because we'll be in it for a while, it will be cold by the time we exit.

But then we'll soak in the lavender water. She'll lay her head on my chest whispering the same story over and over and I'll reassure her none of it was her fault. But I'll listen and mourn with her for the small part of her soul she lost to him.

An hour or two she'll have fallen asleep. She'll curl up in a ball in my lap while I hold her letting her sleep terror free.

The third and last step is my favorite for selfish reasons.

Olivia doesn't think I can be submissive, but I can. Her selective memory just blocks it out. She thinks I have to be on top all the time, in control of our marital bed. I like when she takes control sometimes. I love to see the flames spark in her eyes. They glitter just like the sun shining down on the clear sea, postcard beautiful.

It starts simple enough with plenty of sleep. We sleep in the tub then move to the bed where we sleep more. I'll fall in to a light sleep. The kind of sleep a parent gets when they have a sick child. Every creak, cough or movement has one eye opening listening for more. I rarely wake up to Olivia's strangled cries mostly it's to her wondering hands. She'll pinch and tickle my stomach, ribs, and finally my breast.

I don't say anything or beg I just let her explore, tease; solidifying our bond through silent obedience.

She needs it, to feel in control of something more than herself, so I give in to her. I let her choose the pace, how, where, or when. I just follow, take hints, and submerse myself in her. I feel closer to her in these moments, like I can read her mind.

Her hand will never stop its manipulation of my body as she lays timid, silent in appreciation of my submission. She'll play, strumming the nerves just under the skin, always striking the right cord.

Under her fingertips my skin will bump and jump in excitement. Her fingers will ignite little flames, each individual spark jumping in its cage like a bucking horse. They wait for more fuel, more air to help it grow. She won't give it to them; slow is the name of the game. The first word that will come out of mouth since the shower is 'please'.

She'll smile lazily, nonchalant, but her eyes will glitter more, shining in lust and predatory. She'll move but just up to her elbow, just hovering. Her eyes will travel hungrily up and down the mountain and valleys of my body, trying to decide where to strike first. Her fingers will stop right above the trim of my burning need.

Her tongue will peak out from between her full lips in keenness.

I'll close my eyes struggling to control myself.

She'll wait seeing my struggle; she'll wait until I calm down.

Finally she'll lean down placing feather light kisses in the valley of my breast, so soft I'll think its just passing air.

But her tongue will sneak out, leaving a wet trail just underside my breast.

That's what opens the gates of trapped flames, each and everyone. Her velvet tongue will follow the path of her fingers letting each flame run free and do as it pleases. They run rapidly through my body like lab rats, trying to find their way out of the maze. The flame bump into one another turning and running another path until my whole body is ablaze.

So caught up in the feeling I won't notice she's slid between my legs. She'll let me grind against the flat surface of her stomach before stopping me. She'll taunt me more, taking already tight nipples rolling them between her fingers and lips, sucking and pinching.

She smiles down at me. I'll run my hands up from her hand to her strong shoulders never losing eye contact.

She'll take me wrist pinning them to my side growling at me for touching her.

Just for punishment she'll flick her tongue over me sensitive nipple make me whimper in pain and need. The sound alone is enough to make her grind into, briefly losing the control she had. She'll recover, smiling devilishly at me. She'll stop her teasing placing butterfly kisses down my body, and then she'll stop, hovering so close to my spot just below my naval. The one spot that will ignite the fires into full blown infernos. I'll be able to feel the warmth of her breathe against my skin. She'll stay there still holding my hands at bay. The heart of the fire will burn just below her lips and just when I think I've found my center she'll kiss the spot, licking and nipping. Her tongue will dance around striking it as if it were the actual center of my need. But it will work, my hips will come off the bed and she'll nip at the place sending the fire to once again run amok. It'll run crashing together in my chest and up through my throat coming out as one loud ear drum piercing scream. She'll enter me without warning while the fire consumes me interrupting all signals coming or leave my brain. Every follicle of hair will stand on edge singed by the heat.

But she'll keep at it, sucking the spot all the while pumping into me with two then three fingers. Never letting my soul touch the ground before being thrown back to heaven. The second orgasm will have started to subside, so she will move down further taking my real need between her lips, holding, feeling it pulse, vibrate and beg for more and she'll comply licking, biting, and sucking while her fingers continue to fill me.

From that point on I'll be in heaven, never knowing when one orgasm ends or when the next begins; where she beings and I end. I won't care until she is satisfied that she has bent me to her will, satisfied that she has some control over her life again and that I'm there holding her through the night keeping her safe.

But that didn't happen tonight. Before I can call her name again she turns the water off.

"Olivia?"

"Yea?" She pulls the towel off the rack wrapping it around my body before sliding the shower door back.

NO this is definitely not that dance, something is off about Olivia. She steps out of the tub walking past me. I stand there staring at the place she was standing. What the hell is going on?

When I get into the room Olivia has already put on her clothes and is tying her shoes, the sneaker she only wears when she works out.

"Where are you going?"

"Oh I didn't tell you, Jack called and what to have a meeting with me. I thought I told you."

"You haven't spoken to me for more that two minutes since I arrived." I argue trying to figure out my next move.

"Yea well, what can I do, this is business." She shrugs standing up looking around the room.

"It's in the middle of the night."

"The meeting is in Connecticut. I know crazy but I need to be there by tomorrow to meet with him, I'll probably be gone for a couple of days. I'll call you when we land."

"We?" I follow her out of the room and down the hall to the stairs. I grab her shoulder to make her look at me, but she hisses and pulls away from me.

"Is your shoulder hurting?" I move to look at it but she backs up again.

"Please Natalia don't. I'll call you." She starts down the stairs.

"You promised me Rodney would be gone."

"No I said Beth, Keith and Tracey would be gone and they are."

"Why can't I go with you? You don't even have a bag packed." I follow her into the kitchen where she grabs her keys.

"I got one at the hotel. Plus you just got back, take a break, go to the spa or something." The sweat rolls down the side of her face. I realize her eyes are red like she has been to sleep in days.

"You're lying."

"Think what you what, I have to go but I'll call you when we land." She walks out of the door slamming it behind her.

What the hell just happened?

**Rodney**

Oh man this has gotten way out of hand. Fuck me good. That's what's Dory is going to do to me. Fuck me good and hard.

It's not my fault. It isn't, if they had never shown up this wouldn't be happening right now. If anything she should come back here and get them. I didn't invite any of them here. Damn she's not going to believe me. I'm going to have to run for my life.

SHIT. Maybe if I can get Olivia clean before she gets back. I doubt it but it's worth a try.

I need to get Olivia away from the pack to get her clean, but the probably won't leave until Doris comes back, but she comes back before Olivia is clean that's my ass.

I'm fucking screwed.

For a fucking week her wife has been calling me none stop, left message talking about some dude named Jack. Shit I don't know who he is. She fucking thinks we are in Connecticut. Thanks to Olivia I've been ducking and dodging that woman for almost a week.

Shit I even called Doris in my moment of panic. Luckily I just got her voice mail. She hasn't called back and there is no sign of her so I think I'm in luck for a couple more days.

Now if I could just catch up with Olivia I can start.

I didn't even know she was missing until her wife called me, I don't even know how she got my cell number, but she needs to lose it for a day or two.

The last person to see her was Jose, sells weed mostly but dabbles in coke. That was four days ago.

I should have stopped it that night in the hotel but it was kind of fun to have my old friend back.

When I woke up the next day Olivia had already started again. I reminded her of the promise she told me about but she said she had it under control and my dumbass believed her. She promised it was just until her wife came back.

Now she disappears with them having bought enough coke to kill a horse.

Shit I don't trust Jose anyway; his shit kills people with one line.

I called Tracey to see if she was with them and sure enough she was. I asked them to bring her back home but that was two days ago.

Keith burst through the lobby doors of the hotel. "Hey Rod-man. Hook us up."

"Fuck off Keith." I look over his shoulder looking for everyone else. Where the fuck is Olivia? I thought she was with them.

"Aw come on man."

"I said fuck off and where is Olivia?"

"Green?" He looks around. "She was behind me."

"Was? What the fuck does that mean?"  
"Like she was here then she wasn't." He erupts in a fit of giggles.

A flash of heat rises from my chest kicking it ways out of my throat. I grab him by the throat throwing him against the desk. "Three. Two."

"Okay." He chokes out scratching at my hold around his wind pipe. I let up just enough for him to take a breath. "Probably outside with Tracey and that fine ass red head."

Just because he pissed me off I let him go and reach all the way back before slapping the shit out of him.

Keith falls to his knees holding his red cheek. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

"Just cause." I throw over my shoulder while I walk away from him.

I make it outside in the hot summer night. I remember nights like this. Like right now, coming to out of a week long binge trying to find whom ever I started it with, usually Olivia. I remember one time it took two days to find her in some low class strip club giving away our drug money.

Those were the care free days.

Now she has…well had a wife and kids, Olivia of all people had a legit family. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. She was doing well and I might have ruined everything she fought to get out.

I walk at little bit down the sidewalk. I don't see Olivia anywhere I can usually spot her in a crowd with ease.

I walk down to the alleyway and just by chance I see a shimmer of light coming form the dark corner. "Olivia?" I tip toe down the dark space just in case it's some prev or thief waiting for their next victim.

"Rodney, that you." That's definitely Olivia's voice.

I walk up to the huddled figure. "Hey."

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I hate to see her cry, that's why I gave her the drugs in the first place. They made her happy most of the time.

I slide down the brick wall beside her.

"I really thought I could handle it. I thought this time would be different that I could do the right thing."

In my heart I know she's not talking about the drugs maybe she's talking about her wife.

"I tried so hard not to fall back into the same shit, you know." She groans as she straightens her legs out.

"If I did something to tempt you-"

"No it was my fault. I shouldn't have been drinking. I should have gone home instead I went upstairs."

"If you wouldn't talk in cryptic terms I could maybe help."

"I promised her I wouldn't do this again. If you would have saw the look in her eyes when she saw me. I disappointed her. I disappointed everyone." She pulls out a bottle of Jack from her other side. I take hold of the bottle before she can drink it. "This isn't going to help."

"Nothing is going to help, haven't you heard a word I said. Her worst fear in me came true. I cheated on my own wife when I promised her so many times I wouldn't." Her voice rises to an almost hysterical scream.

"Okay, shh. But drinking is not going to solve anything. You have to get clean and try to make her understand you have a problem that you are trying to conquer." I twist the bottle out of her hands. "So maybe she knows you just need some space."

"She looked like she didn't even know me." She barks in laughter. "She doesn't know me. I'm a different person from the one she married. This is Olivia the drug addict not the wife."

I put my arm around her shoulders. "Personally I like both Olivia's."

She lays her head down on my shoulder. "I like the one Natalia's likes."

"Well then all we have to do is find her again."

"What if I don't want to get clean right now?"

"You have to make a choice one of these days, either you want to get your family back or you want to keep doing this crap until you stroke out one day." I tell her plain and simple. There is no in between. Trust me I've tried so many times. If she gives the drugs any leeway it will control everything with out without her consent.

I wait for her to answer; instead I hear a light snore coming from my side. I look down at her sleeping form. "Olivia?" I shake her shoulder.

I get up and as gentle as possible I cradle her in my arms walking back to the hotel.

"You found her." Keith gets up from the spot where was when I left.

"Yea passed out in an alley." I know I'm exaggerating but fuck him.

Keith steps into the elevator beside me. "I told her not to sit down, those Ativans kick in quick."

"What!" I turn to him so fast I almost throw myself off balance. "You were doing speedballs."

"Oh come on, speedballs?"

"You know what I mean."

"It's to help with the crash. It's no big deal." He shrugs his shoulders.

"No big deal, I'm the only one who remembers the last time Olivia was doing coke and downers."

"No, she just seemed like she needed them. She hasn't slept in like four days."

The doors open, I twist around blocking his entrance. "Go away."

I lay Olivia on the couch looking at my phone. Just in the last two hours I have 7 missed called for her wife.

I have to take her home, that woman is not going to rest until Olivia is there.

"Come on. I'm taking you home."

**Olivia**

"No Rodney I can't go home, like this. Natalia might be there. She can't see me like this. She can't see me like this." I repeat the mantra in my head. I might have messed up still I don't want Natalia to see me high.

"Olivia you have to go home and get some rest. We'll stop by…"

I must have dosed off next thing I know he's helping me to my feet.

"Olivia, we're going to get you home so you can sleep it off."

It feels like we're still on the elevator, like we're gliding across the ground to the car.

"She can't see me like this." The car gets closer then far away, then closer.

"Olivia help me here, you have to walk."

Somehow we get into the car. With every mile driven I feel better more energized. I feel like I could run home and back without breaking a sweat.

"Olivia, are you listening to me?"

"Rodney stop the car, I bet I can beat you there."

"Olivia, listen to me. We need to get you to a clinic or something." His head looks funny swiveling to me and back to the road every second.

I laugh feeling it deep in my stomach. "You have to chill Rodney."

"No Olivia. God I messed up." He reaches over forcing me to look at him. "Look at you. Everyone can tell you're dusky. It's all over your nose." He brushes my face.

I lean back against the window watching the street lights go by. After a few seconds they turn into one long streak of light hanging over head. "Rodney, look at the lights." I press my face against the glass. I roll down the window sticking my body out to get a really good look.

"What the fuck?" The car swerves as Rodney grabs hold of my shirt puling me back in. "Olivia sit down."

"Did you see it? What the light were doing."

"Yea."

He's lying. "You're lying."

"Please just sit down until we get there."

Get there, get where? Home, he's taking me home! I grab the wheel pulling it toward me.

"OLIVIA!"

We both struggle over the wheel.

"SHE CAN'T SEE ME!"

He smashes the brake but the pole implants itself in the middle of the car hood sending us both flying into the dash board. My head slams against the window. I don't know if it was my skull or the window, but something cracked.

I sit back in the seat holding my head.

"Damn it Olivia. Let me see." He moves my hand. As soon as it's gone I feel the warm trickle of liquid creeping down my face. "Damn. Sit down."

If I weren't high I would probably be in so much pain. Instead the blood just feels like something is crawling on me.

"FUCKFUCKFUCK!" He bangs the steering wheel.

"Sorry." I lean over resting my pulsing head on the door.

"We are going to have to walk to walk the rest of the way."

"Yes." I open the door falling onto the ground. I guess walking is going to be much harder that previously thought.

30 minutes later we arrive at the house.

I get a glimpse of myself in the door window. I look a wreck. The night air has dried most of the blood on the side of my face.

"Come on." Rodney helps me into the house.

I sit on the couch while Rodney rifles around the kitchen trying to find a first aid kit.

He run back like there is a fire to clean the blood from my face and hair. I would do it but my hand is a blur, it's like I'm moving in slow motion and it's in fast motion or whatever.

"Stay there." He stops at the entrance picking out a new set of keys.

"Natalia decorated this place herself." I pick up one of the couch pillow fluffing it.

"OLIVIA did you hear me?" He takes my face between his hands helping me focus.

"Stay here." I repeat after him.

"Yes, I'm going to borrow your car. I'll stay for a minute or two." He walks out the door, giving me one last look. He turns around grabbing something off the coat rack. "Put this on."

It hurts some much as she pulls a small hat over my head.

"Remember sty here until I get back." He turns and leaves.

I take a deep breath standing on my own. It's going to take me an hour to get up there. Why I'm I going up there anyway…right my stuff…where am I? There can't be any drugs here. Uhgn, why am I confused? One step…step two…back to step one. I almost fall but I catch my self. Why didn't take the elevator.

The door opens and closes, probably Rodney telling me to hurry up. "You know this could go faster if you helped." I yell over my shoulder still trying to maneuver the stairs.

"Olivia?"

Natalia? Oh no, she's not supposed to be here. I want to run but my feet are stuck to the carpet at the bottom of the stairs.

"Olivia?" She walks out of the kitchen into the living room; her eyes instantly fill with tears.

I can't look at her like this. I gotta get back to the car. The car is wrecked.

"Baby, where have you been?" She walks up to me hugging me as if we had been apart for more than a few days. It only been three days at the most.

"Nowhere. I've just been with my friends." I choke on my words. I wasn't lying, so why do I feel so guilty.

She pulls back looking into my eyes. I can tell the moment she realized I'm high. I feel my heart sink.

Her eyes fill with tears and disbelief. She runs the back of her down my cheek, staring at me.

It feels so good. Everything I've been worrying about seems to disappear from my heart as if she were soothing the open wound on my soul, sealing each one with a single touch. I lean into her hand trying to keep my balance at the same time.

**Natalia**

I look into her eyes and I know. As much as I want to deny it, I can't. It's staring back at me. She leans into my touch, swaying with effort.

"Olivia are you…"

Her eyes pop open, search for something to settle on. "I…I wasn't drinking and…I'm not…"

I press my finger over her lips, stopping her from committing an even worst mistake. "Olivia do you remember what I asked you after our wedding?"

She nods her head, closing her eyes. Her head hangs lifeless as the tears began to leak.

"I asked you not to lie to me. If you did something just tell me." I run my hand down her cheek hooking my finger under her chin lifting it back up. "We can fix it; just don't lie to me… Are you high?"

She nods her head. "I messed up." She chokes on the words.

"It's okay, we can fix it. Me and you, okay?"

She nods again, biting her bottom lip.

I try to stroke the side of her face reassuring her with a touch, but she tilts her head away. "Baby?"

"I really messed up Natalia." She takes a step back turning her back to me.

"Whatever it is we can fix it." I try to comfort her. It can't be that bad. "Tell me."

"I can't…I can't. It'll hurt too much."  
"Olivia." I wrap my arms around her. She sobs a little harder. "Olivia, when I married you I swore to share your joy and pain. I swore my love would remain through tough times. You just have to trust me." I circle around her, looking into her eyes. "And I would swear it all again and again." It feels like a weight is lifted when she encircles me in her arms. I lock my hands behind her neck resting our foreheads against each other. It always feels like nothing can touch us. It's like this bubble of protection where the outside world could never penetrate.

"I...um …I'm so sorry Natalia. I didn't mean for it to happen. I don't even know how it happened." She holds me tighter. "I wasn't drinking I swear. I just had one and Lily was there touching me and I was thinking about you but she-" Her cries cut off the rest of her story but I don't need to hear it.

It feels like the ground opened up between us. She right here and yet she feels miles away. My arms feel like lead as I helplessly watch them fall off her shoulders_. _I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Olivia wouldn't do that to me.

Lily promised. Olivia promised.

My mind goes into autopilot. It hasn't done it in a while but I feel the wall of protection rise trying to shelter the already broken heart. "It's okay. We'll get through this." I say, still not believing what I just heard. I pull her away from my shoulder. Her eyes are beyond red.

"You need some rest." I pull out of her grasp leading her upstairs. Each step of the way she apologizes, choking on her own tears. The stairs seem to go on forever, each step draining me of any energy I had.

When we get to our room I have to wretch my hand out of hers walking towards the vanity looking at myself in the mirror. In the mirror I see Olivia still standing at the door, more like it was keeping her up right.

"Olivia lay down." I tell her as I sit down in the chair.

She shakes her head, no.

"You need to rest, before you pass out." I talk to her through the mirror_. _I can't look at her, because I still can't believe it. Maybe it's me. Something about me or the people I choose to love. Whatever it is I can't go through it again.

"You're not going to be here when I wake up." She says as she stumbles to the bed, crawling onto it. She sits on the bed her back against the headboard.

I won't argue with her, because she's right. If I weren't so worried about her now I might have already left.

"Natalia?"

I take a good look at myself in the mirror. I look really good for the way I feel on the inside. It never felt this way with Nicky. I just accepted it then, now it hurts too much to even think about. Just the thought of Olivia touching someone else, it hurts psychically. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.

"Natalia? You're going to be here when I wake up?" Olivia touches her head pulling at Rafe hat fit snug on her head.

I look over at her. She slides down onto the bed curling up with her hands tucked between her legs. The struggle to keep her eyes open for one more second is a losing battle as her eyelid flutter open and shut.

I genuinely smile at her, before walking to the bed and climbing behind her. I squeeze her around the mid-section burying my face in the back of her shoulder. She still smells good even with the stale smell of alcohol. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." She slurs the words until they're almost unrecognizable.

"I love you more." She doesn't answer. I assume she's already out of it. I press my ear against her back listening to her heart beat wildly.

The sound of its beat would usually lure me into sleep, but not tonight. I have to figure out what I'm going to do. If it wasn't bad enough, she's high and drunk but Olivia cheated. So many questions float through the air never stopping long enough for me to think of an answer.

What if she uses again?

What about Rafe and Emma? How will I explain this to them?

What happens next?

Can I trust her?

Will she cheat again?

Can I live through a cheating spouse?

What happens next?

Can I help without making it worse?

Am I strong enough to leave her?

What happens next? What happens next? What happens next?

"I love you Olivia." I say letting the words float through the air, wishing they were the answer to all the questions. I feel the nerve over my left eye flutter, soon all the muscles in my face began to rebellion against my every wish to stay strong, if not for me then for everyone affected. I can feel them twitching, burning and begging me to cry. But I can't, not here and not like this. Not until...until I know for sure, or until I see evidence. To be completely honest with myself I wouldn't want to see it or to hear about. I want to forget, I want to go back in time and have her never tell me.

It's a losing battle, I know that. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that if I start crying now who knows when I'll be able to stop. So no, I can't cry not until I figure something, anything out.

It feels like forever before I'm finally able to drift off.

When I wake up my body feels like lead. I look over Olivia's shoulder at the clock. I've only been sleep for 20 minutes. As tired as I feel I can't roll over and go back to sleep. The question of the future hangs low pressing against my chest till I can't breathe.

I roll over on my back looking at the mirror above. This must be punishment. Maybe God hates me. Maybe my mother was right.

Whatever it is, God, can you just tell me so I can fix it?

Would it matter if he said anything, because you're still going to be with Olivia? The little voice in my head says.

I'm not going to argue with it. First that would be crazy and second the voice is right. A divine power could have told me this would happen at the altar and I still would have said I do.

I look at us laying on the bed together our bodies right next to each other our minds couldn't be father apart.

"Olivia?"

She rolls over snuggling up against me. She smiles briefly slipping back into whatever dream I interrupted.

Resentment rises in my chest. How can she sleep and smile when I am lying her hurting. She should know that, feel it somehow.I don't want to lash out at her. I should, I mean I should be angry at her. I shouldn't be the one crying, I should be the one sleeping. She should be up all night worrying about our future, apologizing.

I slip out of the bed packing a small bag. I have to leave before I say something I can't take back, before she wakes up and apologizes again.

With my bag in hand I stop at the door way looking back over my shoulder. Olivia's still sleeping peaceful.

I lean against the door frame, like so many mornings watching. I guess everyone looks innocent when they're sleeping, but she looks like an angel. I can't leave her here by herself. Something might happen.

I walk back into room getting her phone out of her pocket. I can't call Lindsey, she's out of town with Jaime. I can't call Doris or Blake their gone too. Plus she'll flip if she found out Olivia relapsed, probably kill Rodney. Probably wouldn't be the worse thing.

I call the first number that pops up on the screen leaving a message to check on Olivia.

I quickly walk out the door before I can change my mind or have a nervous breakdown.

**Marie Rivera**

Bong…bong…bong. I watch my newly house broken tom cat play with the door stopper. He was my only companion when the children were not here. But he does the job and my life had never been better. My daughter was happy, I was happy. Finally no more having to worry about cooking dinner for Ricardo; no more have to clean behind him, and finally no more arguing or being silently berated. No more, no more. Finally, no more. And what more can I ask for.

Even though I protested, Olivia still bought this place for which is still too big for me. There are three bedrooms, a full kitchen and bathroom, and a living room that is the size of my old house. I never knew how lazy I could be with absolutely nothing to do and nothing to look forward to doing.

But I would gladly go back if it meant my daughter was able to go home to the happy family she created. Instead she's in the guest bedroom crying her eyes out. And what is a mother supposed to do. Call her father. That would only make matters worse. Do I try to talk to Olivia? I could but how could I ever trust what she had to say and how heart breaking would it be if she has started to move on leaving my only child a sob messing. What about their children? Natalia's children. Rafe looks up to her so much, even did his presentation on her of who he wanted to belike when he grew up.

I just don't know what to do; I'm so used to doing nothing. I let Nicholas treat her like she was a slave. I let her own father turn her away when she needed us most.

And finally I get to make a decision about what to do with my daughter and the only thing I can do is cook food she won't eat and sit on her bed side begging her to do anything but fall into this catatonic state of sleep and crying.

As much as it hurt, maybe Ricardo was right. Olivia will never be the person Natalia needs her to be, she can't. Maybe her drug problem is too much for her to conquer or maybe they mean more to her than my girl.

I wish it didn't have these thoughts but I do because she promised me she would do everything in her power to make Natalia happy and she has broken that promise in less time that it took to make it.

**Natalia**

I feel numb. It's so cold in this place. But I can't go home now, not now, even though I want to so bad. I want to go home and be in the warmth of Olivia's arms and listen to tell me everything is going to be alright. Maybe if I heard it from her and saw the sincerity in her eyes I could feel again. I could forgive her and piece the perfect picture back together. I need something anything to warm my soul. I feel lost and mildly confused. Why am I confused, I don't know. There is nothing to be confused about. Facts; Olivia cheated, got drunk, and relapsed. So what is there to be confused about except where to go from here?

A part of me still can't accept these facts. Olivia wouldn't cheat on me. There has to be another explanation, something that I'm missing. I want to believe that she was protecting me from her. She told me these things so that I could leave her. Someone made her say those things, she wanted me to leave.

The pain fills my heart till I feel like it might burst out of my chest. At least it is something different; anything besides the numb feel that leave me lying in this cold bed. For the umpteenth time this morning the tears streak down my face. By now my skin is so raw it hurts for them to flow down the tracks of their predecessors. I don't bother to wipe them away. They are the only signs I have that I'm still alive. The only thing that is keeping me sane, knowing that I can cry and maybe one day when I've cried myself all out I will be able to wake up and be warm.

Warmth is what I felt when Olivia touched me, held me, or just a look of love. That's when I get too hot that my skin is on fire. Those are the days I thought would have never ended and the days I long for now. The simple things kept my spirits high. Those were the things I woke up every morning and like a simply animal I when over and beyond the call of duty just for those things.

I would do anything to have that today. I would do anything to forget for one moment while I lay beside my wife as she whispered her dark secrets to me.

"Talia." I hear mother's voice sing through the door. "Talia, it's been two days…Emma's on the phone she would really like to talk to her mother."

And what would I say. I would only break down at the sound of her small voice telling me about her day with my cousin and the enviable question of 'what is mom doing?' That would only worry her and Rafe.

There is no need to ruin their good time. What kind of mother would I be to drag them into this mess that we have created? I worked hard to keep Rafe from seeing it then and I will do the same for him and Emma now.

"Tell them I will call her later." My voice is thick with unbridled emotions. And why should I have to keep them in. Letting them out is the only way to actually get over the pain. The tears start once more burning their way onto the pillow, which is soaked under my face. This pillow that I wish had been Olivia's shoulder; this pillow which had heard my cries, wiped away my tears, and will never tell another soul.

Mom comes and sits on the side of the bed interrupting my thought of the noble pillow.

"Honey you've been in this room since you got here. You have to eat something or you'll waste away."

I roll towards her wishing I were still a little girl. I wish I could go back to when all my problems could be settled with an ice cream cone or a band aid. I look up into her empathic eyes. For the first time I see how the world has made her; the bags under her eyes that are slowly fading, the frown lines set deep in the sides of the mouth, the wrinkles in her forehead, from worrying too much about everything and nothing at the same time.

I worry for a moment that life might defeat me, like it almost did my mother. Will I turn out like her?

It must have been hard for her to leave the only love she has known since childhood, for an empty three bedroom condo. But was it love or duty that kept her with him. Was it my fault she never got a chance to see what love was really about? Was it my fault that she stayed in her loveless marriage? Was it really love? Did she love my father like I love Olivia, with her heart, mind, body, and soul? If she didn't than how could she possible know how I feel. How could she help me if she had never been through something so heart breaking? Did she know what it was like to hurt so bad you can't breathe? Did she know what it was like to feel numb and uncaring of the world around you? How could she know how I feel?

I bury my face wishing she could feel the pain I was in without words. I wish the bond between mother and daughter was strong enough for her to take the pain way, just for a little.

"I know honey. I know." She strokes my hair like when I was a child. "But you have to stay healthy. I am positive you and Olivia will work this out."

Will we, can we? How does she know we'll make it through? For all we know Olivia is somewhere right know with Lily. The image pops into my head and the tears flow harder. Could it be true that they were laughing behind my back the entire time?

Then the perfect picture floats around my tired brain. No, Olivia wouldn't paint that picture just to tear it up in front of me. She wouldn't, would she?

I think I'm going crazy. I can hear Olivia calling my name. There it is again. I jump up throwing a large t-shirt over my naked body. It's one of Olivia's shirts. I hadn't even realized I had taken in my rush to pack. I look down at it smiling. It's the one with the cast of Hee Haw on it. And it's a 2x, so I look like I'm drowning it.

The door burst open at another call of my name.

I back myself to the wall between the night stand and the large pillow chair. I can't see her right now. I am not in my forgiving mode. I am blazing hot with anger, at her and me.

I gape at the sight of her. She looks about as bad as I did before my shower. Like I wasn't in control of my own body my hand reaches for her, I jerk it back afraid she might come to me.

She stands at the door. Her eyes are staring right at me or through me. She stares not blinking, but the tears well up in her eyes forcing her to blink.

I fight the instinct to go to her as long as I can.

She still hasn't spoken a word but I can see the words playing on the end of her dry lips. "I'm sorry."

I don't want to hear it, nor do I want to see it. "You can't be here." I try to take another step back but the wall is holding me in place.

"Baby, please." She reaches out to me and now it's her turn to pull the disobedient limb back.

"No Olivia. I want you to leave, now." The words don't even sound sincere to me. They were true and a lie at the same time.

Her tears fall fast as she stands in the door way. Her body is trembling and I can see she wants to protest but the anguished sobs stop all intelligent forms of communication. I'm afraid at any moment her knees will give out.

Olivia takes a step only to fall to her knees at the foot of the bed.

She starts to get closer but that's impossible because she hasn't moved. I realize it was me who was moving. It was me who went to her and knelt taking her trembling body against mine. It was me who closed the door and crawled onto bed beside her. It was me who me who keep the distance between us and it was me who laced our fingers between us.

But it was Olivia who moved across that space, taking me in her arms promising everything would be okay. And for a second believed her. I closed my eyes almost falling to sleep with her broken voice still whispering. Then I open my eyes realizing that everything wasn't okay. They might never be.

I get up with much protest from Olivia.

Her tears start once again and I turn my back. I can't pretend everything is okay or that anything will be the same.

I turn back to the bed. She's moved to the foot of it holding her head in her hands.

I can see the silver tears glimmer in the sunlight coming through the open window. They drop two at a time to her feet.

I want to yell at her. I want to lash out at something, anything. But I can't bring myself to say anything to her. I can't even tell her to stop apologizing. I can't speak. If I do I might say love you or it doesn't matter, if you cheat because I will always come back. And it may be the truth but I can't let her know that. I won't even admit it to myself. I am determined not to let that be the case. I don't want to be in this if she doesn't. I don't want another spouse who always finds someone else's bed. Instead I swallow the words, I bury them deep somewhere inside myself.

"What did I do?"

Olivia's head snaps up like I actually hit her instead of asked a question. Her mouth hangs open in disgust. "You?"

"Yes. What did I do?" I say with more force. "It must be me. First Nicholas and now you. So tell me Olivia what did I do?" She still stares at me, so I continue. I need to know what it is about me that people run elsewhere. "I thought you were happy. I thought I satisfied you. What was it? Am I not enough for you? Is that it?" My voice rises in anger, mostly at myself. "What is it about me that made you turn to her? Did I-"

She cuts me off standing up from the bed. "It wasn't you. God Natalia, you are perfect in every way." She runs her shaking hands through her hair. "It was me. I thought I was over it and I wasn't. And I don't know how it happened, it just did." She steps towards me than decides against it. "It was me. I don't know. Maybe they were right. I'm not cut out for this type of relationship. I tried to tell you. I tried. I told you I would hurt you and I did." She turns a full circle as if she forgot where the door was. "I did." She says her voice weak with regret and self loathing. She sits back onto the end of the bed.

"I still can't believe it." I say to no one. "There is a part of me that still won't accept it. You wouldn't do that, you couldn't have." And I realize I'm just baiting her to tell me she didn't do it. I trying to give her a way out and she won't take it. Maybe that is why a part of me won't give in to the despair. The part of me that bonded itself to Olivia, that part that could never fully let Olivia go. I want to crush it and at the same time I want it to consume me.

I sit on the edge of the bed opposite to Olivia. "I still can't believe it."

"Natalia I know you don't want anything to do with me anymore," I hear her try to suppress a sob. "If you could find it in your heart to let me see the kids."

I watch her back rack with hick ups.

"Olivia I would never keep our children away from you. We're a family." I want to take the words back as soon as they come out. She turns looking at me like I just forgave her. I see the hope fade out of her eyes when she sees she's mistaken.

She lays down stretching her arms out towards me. "Please forgive me. I swear I'll go to rehab and I will never-"

I can't here the rest of her words because they are muffled into the mattress.

What is there to say; nothing, that's what. I can't make this right and neither can she. It's all that woman's fault. If she would have never come to town, this would have never happened; then again maybe Olivia would have found someone else. NO…Olivia wouldn't do that to me. She couldn't.

"Olivia?"

She sits up her eyes redder than before. "I'm sorry Natalia. I didn't mean for any of this to happen but I understand if you don't want to be near me right now."

Only God knows how much I want to negate her. I want to scream for her to stay with me and then maybe we could work it out, but right now wouldn't be the best time. She looks high and the sudden energy is boiling in my stomach; aching to be used.

Only two things could happen if she stayed, we'll have meaningless sex which would only turn into resentment afterwards or we'll fight and things will never be the same between us again. The hurtful words that would leave our lips would only sever our already strained bond.

I want to know how it came to this. How Olivia could throw away everything we have worked for. I want to know why she would do this to herself, me, us. Is her addiction really that strong that we can't fix this or is her love for me that weak.

"Stop looking at me like that." Olivia's harsh voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Like what?" I hadn't even noticed I was looking at her. My eyes aren't focused. They feel swollen and unsteady.

"Like that." Her voice turns hard. She pinched the tip of her nose before pushing the palms of her hand into her eyes.

"Olivia, stop that." I grab her wrist.

Before I even know what has happen she yanks her hands loose standing back in a fighting stance.

I don't recognize this woman standing in front of me. She's not my wife, she can't be.

"You know what forget it Natalia." She physically relaxes. "I'm just going to go."

"Olivia, wait." I hold my hands at bay thinking twice about touching her.

"Leave me alone Natalia." She yanks the door open, swing it hard enough for knob to crack the wall behind it.

I follow her out of the room and into the living room.

"Rodney lets go."

Rodney looks too happy to run to the door.

"Olivia please just wait."

She stops turning around shaking her head. "I'll call you tomorrow."

She leaves or I let her go I'm not sure but I can't just sit here. Rafe will be home in a couple of weeks. In two weeks we are suppose to visit him at camp. What will I tell him if Olivia is not there?

I run back to my hole dressing in wrinkled clothes. What was I thinking? The old Natalia laid down and took what ever life threw at her not me.

"Natalia where are you going." I meet my mother and the door of the room.

"I need to fix this. She did it once she can do it again. I just need to help her."

She looks at me like I've lost my mind and maybe I have but I need to try. In the end I'll be able to say I did everything I could.

I rush out of the door and jump in my car driving like a mad woman.

I immediately dial the one person who can explain this whole thing to me.

"Natalia, it's so good to hear from you."

"Don't do that! I trusted you." I yell into the phone swerving on the road.

"What are you saying?"

"Oh don't play dumb with me. Olivia told me everything."I hear her voice hitch on the other side. "I can't believe you would sleep with Olivia after you promised me."

"Wait, wait. I never slept with Olivia. Is that what she said?" Lily laughs into the phone.

I step on the brake so hard my calf muscle locks up on me. I put the car into park at the red light massaging the muscle. "Olivia said-"

"Olivia says a lot of things. But we never slept together."

"Why would she lie to me?" I hear the people honking behind me as I sit at the green light waiting for an explanation.

"This is why I got out of there before you came back." She huffs into the phone. "I went to talk to her about our conversation after you left. When I got there she was high and drunk. I just got so angry that she would do that to you. She just kept drinking and doing those damn drugs that I thought I should stay and make sure she didn't overdose. Anyway late that night she came to my room and kissed me. I know it was the drugs talking but she said she missed you and just wanted to be close to someone for one night. I told her no but if she had to put the poison down she could stay. She agreed and as soon as her head hit the pillow she was out. She must have thought something happened. But I swear to you I didn't do anything wrong."

I listen to her story and replay it in my head. With every replay I feel better, lighter. I knew there had to be an explanation to this whole mess. Olivia relapsed which made her imagine these things happen when that didn't.

"Are you sure?" Why am I even asking, why tempt fate. That was all I needed to hear, Olivia didn't cheat on me. She just needs help getting clean again.

"Yes. Natalia she was high you can't believe much of what she says."

Drugs make you create a false reality, so it could be possible Olivia just made this whole thing up in her head, or maybe she felt so bad about her actions. Any way it goes I need to get her home with me.

"Thank you Lily." I breathe a sigh of relief. "And I am so sorry for calling you and yelling without listening first."

"Forgotten already, I know how much one can worry about infidelity. Call me later." She hangs up before I can respond.

I jerk the car into drive heading start for the hotel. I'm barely able to put the car in park when jump out.

"Ms. Rivera." Greg waves at my while I hold the button for the elevator. "Can I help you with something?"

"You can leave me alone." Why am I being mean to him? "I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

"Don't worry I've heard worse while you were gone."

I step into the elevator bouncing some much I can hardly punch in the code for the penthouse. I can't wait to tell Olivia nothing happened.

I squeeze through the door before they can fully open. Olivia and Rodney are sitting the living room.

"Natalia?" Olivia gets up but doesn't come to me.

Rodney looms over Olivia. "Maybe you should-"

"No let me explain." I move across the floor trying to shut Rodney out of this conversation. "I know what happened. And you know what it doesn't even matter."

"How can you say that?" Olivia steps back in horror.

"I know what I said and did but I've had a few minutes think and I want you to come home."

"Whoa-" Rodney's voice echoes through the room.

"Not talking to you." I say to Rodney without looking at him. "I need you to be with me and I want to help you. You do want to quit right?"

"Of course." Olivia says with no hesitation.

"I'll explain all of it when we get home but right now I just want you to come home." I take her hands holding them between us. "I love you and I don't want to let this go without a fight. I love you."

Olivia's eyes search mine; I hope she finds what she is looking for.

"Okay."

Okay has never meant so much to me. "Okay!"

"I have to get some things out of the bathroom." Olivia pulls away from me walking into the bedroom.

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. We can definitely make it through this.

"Okay, wait." Rodney moves closer to me but I back up. All I want is my wife.

"What?'

"I'm all for her going home, that's why I took her there. But I've been thinking. She's about to go cold turkey. I don't know what you know about this but this is not the time… she's not stable."

"She's fine."

"Yes now, but…can you just listen to me. I think you should let her stay her and start detox then she can go home in a day or two. I don't think you are prepared for this. You called me remember so let me help."

"I think you have done enough." I glare at him watching him deflate. He knows I'm not backing down anytime soon.

"I don't think this is a good ideal, but who am I?" He flops back onto the couch. "Just call me."

I see a man sitting on the couch full of remorse, a man who doesn't know what to do and a man who has exhausted himself.

Olivia comes out of the bedroom with a small tote. "I'm ready, I think."

"Don't worry baby, I'm going to make sure we make it." I kiss her cheek before pulling her behind me.

Rodney looks over the back of the couch as the doors close. She doesn't need him, all she needs is my love and I plan on smothering her with it.

**OLIVIA**

Coming home had to be one of the hardest and easiest decisions I have made in the last couple of days. I want to be with Natalia so bad but I can't keep my head straight long enough to enjoy it. I can't sleep in my own bed without becoming a sobbing mess. I can't think without it going back to that night. As hard as I try I can't time travel. So all I can do is think about all the mistakes I've made.

I shouldn't have been drinking for one. I should have fought harder, I could have. I don't even remember how I got here. The days after that night are a blur, I don't even remember where we went for those fours days. Bits and pieces here and there pop up but I can't remember much.

I can see my mood swings are putting Natalia on edge, just the way she looks at me sometimes makes me what to leave or jump off the roof.

Last night I actually thought about telling her what happened, but then she seemed relaxed. Like all of this wasn't happening. I watched from the kitchen entrance as she hummed along with the radio sweeping from pot to pot.

That's what I want. I want to feel like that and the only things that can and has done that consistently are the drugs and alcohol. I know if she found out I had a stash in the house she would be livid. I know I have to get rid of it before the kids return home. I can't put them in danger.

I guess that speech I was going to give them about not doing drugs is out the window.

So far it doesn't seem like she notices, which is good. I just need a few days to think this through.

It just seems like the more I think the more things get confusing. If I could hold a thought for more that three seconds I could figure some of it out.

I know it feels good having her on my side. It feels good to know that she believes in me and in us to stick around. But I feel like her resolve is getting weaker by the day. I don't want to lose her.

I listen for her movements outside of the bathroom door. I wonder if she is on the other side doing the same thing. Nah, she's probably on the phone with Emma. I should talk to Emma or call Rafe I haven't spoken to him in so long. I can't even remember the last time we spoke.

I bend down to take in another line. Maybe two or three. I don't' really know how many I did but it's doing its job. I feel…leveled.

I shake my head looking at my pale complexion in the mirror. I need a tan.

I spend the rest of my time putting mixing the cocaine with water in the nasal spray bottle. This thing fooled Doris for a long time. After all everyone has nasal congestion sometime of another.

I shake the bottle up mixing it more. I hope I remembered the right amount of water versus drug; I don't want to have an overdose in my own house. It would take forever for the EMTs to get here, fuck I might be dead by then…maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

**NATALIA**

Olivia finally makes it down stairs to the kitchen. She looks unsteady on her feet. I shake my head trying to think positive. We'll get through this together.

"Here baby." I hand her a glass of juice.

"Mhm thanks." She paces the kitchen with the juice in the hand wasting it at every turn. "What should we do today?" She stops snapping her finger grinding her teeth before talking. "I know we'll catalog the dvds. I know I did it yesterday but think I have come up with a better way, maybe by barcode number." Her mouth moves so fast it is hard to keep up with her. "Or by production studio." She shakes her head starting to pace again. "I know what we could do. We could go for a run, get some fresh air. Nah, we should do something productive. I should wash all the cars especially Rafe's. It's kind of dirty and it has even moved out of the yard. Is it supposed to rain today because that would be stupid to wash a car-"

"20 percent maybe." I throw in just because.

"-after it rains. No we should go for that run, use some energy or we could just watch television." Olivia stops in front of the pantry closet. "Maybe we should redecorate. I'm thinking yellow to living it up in here. Maybe throw in a little white." She takes a sip of her almost empty glass. "I'll run into town and get some paint and we could start in the kitchen, but after I wash the cars then go for that run. Maybe I could combine the run and run into to- wow this is good." She gulps the rest down. "What is this?"

"Mango and peach."

"Mango and…peach, weird. Where did you get it, from the store right, of course?"She sucks on her teeth.

"Please stop that."

She continues to alternate between sucking and grinding her teeth. "What?"

"Your teeth."

"Sorry nervous habit." She does it again. "Do we have a bucket?"

"Outside." I point out the window. I think right now the best place for us to be is apart, when she gets like this she is unpredictable; from excited to depressed almost paranoid.

"I should do it later my allergies are acting up today." She pulls out a spray bottle giving it two pumps. "Fuck it I can do it now." She puts the bottle in her pocket running her tongue over her teeth again.

She hops over to me, making me jump back, but before I can act again she grabs me around the waist pulling her to her.

"I love you so much; I don't know what I would do without you." She kisses me hard refusing to let up until I push her shoulder for air.

The kiss taste like medicine, I have to still myself from gagging.

"I'll be back in a little, after I wash the cars but I'm going to run first, or go into town for paint and maybe pick out some furniture. You should stay here and make sure she doesn't come back. God I have a headache now." She runs her hand across her forehead and even I can see the sweat drenching her palm. "Paint, wash and run." She heads out the door and down the dirty drive way.

I watch her walk down to the road and back then again.

So day one and two have to be the hardest to get thorough. She's coming down off of the drugs and her system is out of whack. It should get better from here on right?

It's been a four days since Olivia came home with me.

It's been four days of me sneaking behind her, watching her every movement and still some how she has managed to use, I think.

Why is it so hard this time; last time it was week of nightmares and panic attacks but it was nothing like this. She loses her temper when ever I ask her anything.. She won't sleep and if she does it's usually in another room or on the couch. I can't get close to her without being stared down.

I'm trying to be patient, let Olivia come to me; it's so hard not to pry or push. Nothing is making sense about this situation. I just don't know what to do.

She hardly lets me hold her after a bad dream or even talk to me.

Every hour she is in a different mood; either depressed, skittish, or argumentative.

Today was no different, she was depressed most of it. I even heard her crying in the bathroom where she is now.

I busy myself putting on lotion thinking about what I could say to get her to open up to me.

After a few minutes the door opens. Olivia's eyes stay on me as she slowly rounds the bed. Slowly she gets in bed turning her back to me.

"Baby?" I want to see if she will respond, but she doesn't. "I know you are hurting, if you just let me help you. Tell me what's wrong."

I slide down onto the mattress keeping a safe distance between us. I see her tense at my movement. I want to touch her even if it is just her shoulder or her hair. I want to feel that she is still here even if she is just a shell of herself.

Before I can make a decision Olivia rolls over kissing me hard enough to bruise. I know I shouldn't let this continue but it has been so long. I don't want it to end.

I manage to keep my arms at bay, determined to let her lead this dance.

Olivia pulls at my shirt rolling us so that I am on top. I slip seamlessly between her legs. It feels so rights and so wrong at the same time.

Something is holding me back; it's playing around the edge of my aroused brain, knocking at the door.

All I want to know is my wife is touching me, not huddled at the edge of the bed.

I break our frenzied kiss for air. "Wait. Maybe we should slow down."

In an expert move Olivia take my hand sliding it inside of her shirt.

My whole body shivers at the contact of her breast filling my hand. With just a few swipes of my thumb, the soft skin turns into a hard peak. With my free hand I unbutton Olivia's shirt giving myself more room to work.

"Are you sure babe?"' I ask before we get too far gone.

She arches into my hand wrapping her legs around my waist. The rational part of my brain has shut down; the thought of stopping has flown right out the window. All I can think about is making everything better by making Olivia feel loved.

I duck down lavishing her rigid nipple in my mouth, lavishing it with attention with my tongue. I go through the motion of attending to both peaks, manipulating them both with either my mouth or hand.

It suddenly pushes through that Olivia has stopped responding. I kiss up her chest and up into the crook of her neck. "Olivia?" I look down at her. She is almost in a catatonic state. Her eyes staring at the ceiling her lips pressed into a thin line. "Olivia?"

Her eyes snap to me, but her expression doesn't change. She simply takes my hand running it down the soft plane of her stomach and beneath her pajama bottoms. Her free hand slips under my shirt making little patterns on my side.

Our fingers comb through the rough patch of hair and between her slit, teasing her with just a little pressure.

Cautiously I watch for a reaction, there is none. This isn't my wife who I can make scream, beg, and pray for me to touch her or make her cum. This Olivia has said nothing, hasn't even made a sound.

The lack of arousal between her legs is all I need to stop this charade. I pull my hand out of hers, rolling onto my side of the bed.

"What's wrong?" Olivia finally says something, sitting up and closing her shirt. With one fist she holds her shirt closed.

"You don't want to do this." I sit up, eye level with her.

"You want to." She leans in to kiss me.

I can't force her to force herself to want to have sex. What would that make me?

"Baby, no." I can see the panic in her eyes. "You remember what I told you about us?" She shakes her head.

"I love us, I love you. And I would still love you if we never had sex again, but one thing I promise I will never do is force you to do something you don't want to. That's something you never have to worry about. Sex is nothing without love. We make love not sex. We make love, we don't use each other for release. You mean more to me than that. So until you feel that you can express that love, with no fear of rejection or forcing it I just want to hold you, that's what I really what."

"Okay." Her eyes soften a bit.

We both lay back. Hesitantly I scoot behind her wrapping my arm around her hip.

She is as stiff as a board.

"Tell me what I can do?' I know we are both on the verge of breaking down. I feel so tired and frustrated. I don't know what to do for her and she won't tell me. How can I help when she won't talk to me? We use to talk all the time.

Sometimes I feel like lashing out at anything, and it scares me to know it could be her.

"Can you just hold me?"

I hold her tighter pressing against her back. "This okay?"

She nods pulling my hand to her chest.

We lay that way barely breathing, afraid to ruin the moment.

I must have fallen asleep; the next thing I notice is Olivia struggling underneath me. Sometime during the night we fell back into our normal position with my head on Olivia's shoulder.

I shake the cob webs out of my brain, rolling away from her. "Olivia you're having a dream. Listen to me, wake up baby."

Both her eyes pop open simultaneously. For a second her eyes jump around on the ceiling, before they settle down looking at me.

"Are you okay?' I try to touch her hand letting her know she is safe, but she yanks her hand away, jumping out of the bed. She snatches the nasal spray bottle off of the night stand taking three pumps.

"My allergies." I watch her bustle around the room picking out clothing.

"What are you doing?'

"None of your business, Natalia." She says my name with so much animosity I shrink away from her staying quiet as she looks through all of her pants pocket, throwing them on the floor after finding nothing.

She goes in the bathroom, I hear her rummaging around.

In the corner of the room I spot a pair of pants she threw, there is a piece of plastic sticking out of the pocket.

I tiptoe over to the corner in the side pocket I find what she has been looking for, a small sized bag containing pills of some sorts.

The frustration of the situation vanishes replaced by pure fury.

How could she put everyone in danger like this? What if Emma had come home and found it. What if Rafe were here?

She flies out of the bathroom with a panicked determination in her eyes.

"Is this what you are looking for?" I hold up the drugs, ready to sling them across the room at her.

"What are going through my stuff now?"

"Is this what you are looking for?" I ask again raising my voice.

Her eyes fill with tears as her fist ball at her side.

"You have the nerve to bring this crap into our home. What if Emma had found it?"

She shakes her head. "You don't understand. I need that so I can sleep; to get through the day without having a nervous break down."

"No Olivia this is the problem, the reason you are having mood swing the reason you can't talk to me. And the reason you can't deal with these dreams." I try to calm my voice but the rage is flowing freely through my veins.

"Deal?" She chuckle sarcastically. "Just deal with it uh?"

"Olivia." I take a few deep breathes to calm myself down. We are both on the edge of saying things that we can never take back. "I know you are having a rough time. I told you that I would stick by you and I meant every word, but you can't keep doing this. I love you, so either let me help or-"

"Or what Natalia?" Olivia backs herself up against the wall. "Or WHAT?"

Even from across the room I can see the tears leaking form her eyes. I can see the sheer panic and sadness.

I make my way to her. I stand in front of my broken wife. Her whole body shakes while she tries to concentrate on anything but me. "I've told you before that you are the strongest person I know, even the strong need help, together; I know we can beat this." I hold up the drugs. "You don't need these things."

"I do."

"You don't."

"You don't understand." She sobs clutching her chest.

"Then tell my, why?"

"I didn't mean for it to happen, one second she just…there, we were on the bed. And she was kissing me and saying all these things."

"Olivia." I said through clenched teeth, loud enough to get her attention. I don't want to hear about that. "Lily said nothing happened."

A look of horror comes over Olivia's face. "Nothing happened?" She spits the word back at me.

"I've been trying to tell you I talked to her; I had to know the truth."

"You talked to her!" Olivia pushes me away none too gently.

I catch myself watching her renew her search for clothing.

"Yes I talk to her because I thought you were upset because you cheated on me." I follow her around the room. "She said nothing happened. She stopped it before anything could happen."

Olivia claps her hands laughing at me. "She stopped it. Is that what you believe?" She holds a leather jacket in her hand even though it's reaching 80 degrees outside. "You believe her."

I stay quite, because I've figured out her mood swings. It's just like with Nicky. Sometimes there just isn't a right answer. Yes and no might be the same thing to her.

"I asked you a question! DO. You. Believe. Her." She throws the jacket on the floor stalking closer to me.

"What am I supposed to believe?"

"ME. I'm your fucking wife. You are supposed to believe me!"

"Believe what! That you cheated on me?'

"I never said that. You are supposed to be on my side." Olivia scoffs at me. "You think I'm so hard up for that woman that as soon as you leave town I try to jump in bed with her?"

"I don't think that." I say stepping away from her. Her voice has steadily been increasing. I hate it but right now I am scared of Olivia. I don't know what she will do in the heat of the moment. I don't know what I would do if she struck me. I hate to think that she would but she is unpredictable. The drugs have altered her state of mind, whether she is high or not.

"Are you even listening to me?"

I stare out the window at the starry night. I want to escape so badly. I want to go outside for some fresh air.

"You've never thought I could be faithful. What am I supposed to do kill myself because some one said no."

"Isn't that what you are doing?' The words slip out, but the expression on her face doesn't change.

"You should believe me." She whispers into the silent room.

"I want to believe you, every word you say I want to believe but how can I when you haven't said anything."

"**You're not listening!" **She screams at me pacing like a caged animal. In an instant she seems to clam down. "You are not listening to me."

"I'm listening now."

"What happened doesn't matter." She sits on the bed slipping into her sneakers.

"It does because it is hurting you."

"Bottom line is I asked for it right?"

"What?" Trying to follow her conversations gives me headaches. I can't keep up and I end up saying the wrong thing for the wrong conversation.

She jumps off the bed making me jump back. "Just give me my things."

I look down at my hand. I had forgotten I was still holding the drugs. "No."

"No?"

"No. You can't have both. It's either these things or your family." I take another step back, clutching the bags in my hand. "I will always love you but I can't live with this Olivia. Rafe and Emma don't deserve that. Can't you see these things make you think you've done something when you haven't?"

"You think I lied to you?"

I look her in the eyes trying to fight another wave of tears. "I know you love me. You wouldn't cheat to me."

She looks me square in the eyes with a sinister look. A look that says she is about to push us both over the edge. "Who the fuck do you think you are Natalia?"

She stalks me as I back away from her finally pinning me against the wall.

"Everything I have every said to you was a lie; my parents, my brother, Rodney, Doris, and every other word I've ever uttered. You are not one in a million; if I wanted I could have another you here in my bed, two if I wanted. Why the fuck would I wait for that Bitch to cheat? I can and will cheat when ever I feel and you wouldn't know unless I wanted to. But why would I go through the trouble of covering it up?"

I feel my body tingle from the pain concentrated in my chest threatening to drop me where I stand.

"Besides where are you going Natalia? No where, that's where." She rips the bag ou of my hand. A few of the pills fall onto the floor. "FUCK" Her hand smashes the wall next o my head. But I don't move, I can't.

"Oh god I'm sorry." I watch stunned as she starts to cry again. "I didn't mean that. You know that right." Olivia paces the room all the while the drug stay planted firmly in her hand. "I can't stop thinking and I can't sleep that's why I keep saying things I don't mean. I love you, you mean more to me that anything, but I can't focus right now. I can't think, I can't sleep. I can only sleep when I'm in your arms…" She puts her jacket on shoving the drugs in the pocket. "But I don't want to hurt you I just want to sleep and be able to think. I just need to think. JUST LET ME THINK!" She screams the last part.

After a few seconds of silence she seems to have calmed down a little. With so much emotion in her eyes she walks over to me. "Tell me what you want from me."

I flinch as she pulls me into a hug.

"Baby you're the only person who knows me." She pulls back the tears spilling down her beautiful face. "You're the only one who knows everything is going to be okay."

The anger in me has left, now I feel helpless.

"You know that right?"

I nod feeling my own tears spring forward anew.

"Just don't give up I'm working it out. It just messed me up and I just need a second to breathe." She holds her finger up to me. "Just one second, please. I won't let you down I swear I will bounce back from this, like it never happened."

I try my best to be strong for her. She needs me to stay strong while she can't.

"You know I love you, right?"

I nod my head because I do know that. I know Olivia loves me.

"I think I need some space from you. I have all these thoughts that I can't stop and they make me crazy and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I know I will, I can't control this thing inside of me."

"No please you don't have to leave I can help you, like last time."

"This isn't like last time."

"Why?"

"Because." She turns around again. "I need to handle this the only way I know how."

"Wait, where are you going?" I run after her out the bedroom door.

"I'm going to get high and I don't want you around." We jog down the stairs and to the front door.

I put myself in front of the door. "Please just stay for a little while long. Please." I don't know how much longer I can do this. I guess we'll find out sooner or later.

"Okay?"

"Yes."

I almost jump up and down at her words.

She smiles and it almost reaches her eyes. "But I need a shower and food." She says swinging her hands in the jacket pocket.

"I can do that. You take a shower and I'll fix something to eat." I watch her bounce up the steps. She stops looking back at me for a second. "You're going to leave me aren't you?"

"No, I would never leave you. We are stuck together." I try to joke to lighten the mood.

She frowns at my statement.

I reanalysis it, did I say something wrong?

"I want you to be free; you don't deserve to be stuck." She says it with such seriousness I can't think of a reply. Something in her eyes has changed. She looks so calm and collected, like some kind of moment of clarity.

"Baby?"

"I'm going to take a shower." She starts up the stair again. "Food would be great."

I watch her disappear upstairs before running into the kitchen to fix something for her.

Food, I need something quick so I can catch her before she gets out of the shower. I think there is some left over chicken from yesterday. I could heat one of those vegetable trays in the freezer.

I start to pull everything I need out and heating it in the microwave.

I bounce on my toes in front of the microwave. I think I read somewhere this causes cancer, but I think everything we eat and do cause it.

The microwave finally beeps. I empty the broccoli and cauliflower onto the plate with the steaming chicken.

Do I need something else? Probably not, she might not want to eat that much. Drugs are supposed to suppress the appetite. I'll come back down if she wants anything else.

I grab a bottle of water before returning to our bedroom.

The shower is still going.

This is a good sign. She agreed to stay which means we can talk and get to the bottom of this.

I almost laugh at myself. How crazy is this? Most people would be running to get out of this situation. Instead I lock myself in with an unstable person, but that unstable person is my wife. My wife who I am willing to fight for and I am. I am going to fight for her even if she gives up, because that is what you do for people you love.

I look at the clock; it's been almost 20 minutes.

The food is starting to cool.

I knock on the bathroom door "Olivia?" No answer so I inch it open open. "Baby?" I knock again to warn her. "I'm coming it, is that okay?"

There is no answer.

After a few seconds of listening for any change in the pattern of the water sound, I try to open the door some more, but it stops. It won't budge something is behind it.

I peek into the room to see what is behind the door and my heart drops.

Olivia is on the floor still fully dressed in her leather jacket.

"Oh my God Olivia." I squeeze through the door falling to floor beside her.

Her eyes are glazed over as her head roll towards me.

"What did you do?"

I watch in horror as her eyes roll back at the same time her body lurches forward and the shaking begins.

"No, baby, wait." I try holding her down with out hurting her. "Olivia, please just wait." I don't even know what I'm say or why but I need her to hear me. I need her to stay here with me; I need for her to be okay.

The shaking stops and her whole body relax.

A seizure, just a seizure. Do I wait for her to wake up or do I call 911 now. Olivia hates hospitals, she wouldn't want to go, but I don't know how to help her. Maybe they are from withdrawal, do people have seizures from cocaine withdrawals. I don't know.

She told me she had had seizures before. While I was gone, when she…overdosed.

Oh god.

The seizure begins again she body tensing and trembling.

I jump of the floor running into the bedroom for the phone.

I run back the bathroom with the operator on the phone. I don't know if I'm making any sense of even speaking English all I know is Olivia needs help and the seizure aren't stopping.

I sit on the floor barely aware that the shower is still running. I pull Olivia away from the door and half way into my lap whispering for her to wake up.

I don't know how long I sat there until they arrived but thankfully they jumped into action.

They start hooking thinks to her chest rolling her onto a back board and applying the neck brace.

"Did she fall and hit her head?"

"I don't know."

"What has she ingested in the last 24 hours?"

"I don't know."

"How long has she been down?"

"I don't know."

"What are these?" He picks up a blue pills.

It's then I notice the pills are scattered all over the floor. "I don't know."

"Does she have a history of seizures."

"YES." I jump on the question a little too eager. I need to feel helpful.

Another episode starts while the young paramedic is listening to her chest.

They wait and watch until she relaxes. I want to scream for them to do something to stop the seizures but I know they can't until they know why she's having them.

I comb my hand through Olivia hair as her body relaxes again.

He moves the stethoscope around. "We gotta move she's in v-tach."

"What is that?"

"Pulse?" The other paramedic asks strapping Olivia down.

"What is that?" They continue to talk ignoring my question.

"Let's move."

I don't remember even chasing them down the stairs or climbing in the ambulance.

"Olivia?" I sit on the opposite sit of the paramedic by Olivia head.

Her eyes blink open, just slit of themselves.

"Olivia baby, don't do this to me please." I close my eyes laying my head close to hers. If I open my eyes I would be able to see just how pale she is, I would see the way her chest stutters instead of fully rising, I would be able to see my wife slipping away.

"Ms. Spencer? Can you hear me?"

I open my eyes waiting for her to respond.

"ETA?"

"About 10."

"We don't have that long, push it."

The ambulance races down the road lined with trees and nothing else.

Why did we have to move 20 minute away from a hospital? We should have considered it at least.

The paramedic cuts open Olivia's shirt placing stickers on her.

"What are those for?"

"How we doing back there?"

"Starting compressions." He starts cpr watching the machines.

There should be a bag somewhere to pump air in right, that's what they do in movies. "Can I help, is there a bag?"

"No ma'am, just sit back."

The machines on the wall start to beep loudly, like multiple alarms clocks ringing.

"Ter, what's up?"

"She's in v-fib."

"What's that?" I reach down for Olivia's hand. "Baby please, your scaring me."

"Clear. Ma'am back up."

I disconnect myself from Olivia, trying not to completely lose in it in the back of this ambulance.

"Charged to 250"

I can hear the machine queue up. As many times as I've seen it on television and in the movies I'm am not prepared for the shock.

While it's not nearly as dramatic as the movies I still see her body jump. I feel the pain in my own chest.

"Please Olivia."

"Ms. Rivera."

I jump at the call of my name.

Rick Bauer stands in the door way his eye red with bags under them.

"No, please." I whisper behind my hand. My knee give out but Rodney is there holding me up.

I don't even know why I called him. It just seemed like I should call someone to let them know what has happened and he was the last person on the list but the only person to answer his phone.

It's been three hours since they took Olivia through those doors. Three hours since I saw them force a tube down her throat, since they shocked her over and over again, since I passed out at the sound of a flat line heart monitor.

"Sit down." I feel myself being ushered in to the hard plastic chairs.

Rick squats in front of me front of me taking my hands in his larger ones.

"Please don't say it."

He shakes his head. "I won't because she's still with us right now. Right now we have stabilized her but she is still on the machine." His eyes are so sympathetic I feel like he is lying to me just so I won't break down here. "Natalia." He gets up sitting in the chair beside me. "We might have to keep her long for psychiatric help."

"What? No, Olivia wouldn't do that to herself. It's just withdrawal."

Rick shakes his head.

I turn to Rodney for confirmation. "Tell him, Olivia wouldn't do that."

Rodney sucks his bottom lip in his mouth.

"No I refuse to believe Olivia tried," I lower my voice "To kill her self. She said just before that she loved me and that we could make it through this."

"Natalia we found pills in her pocket and in her system along with a lethal amount of cocaine. The nasal spray had been replaced with diluted cocaine. That is what led to the seizures. She overdoses which caused the cardiac arrest. It's a good thing you found her when she did. A few more minute and she might have not made it to the hospital."

I guess I should be thankful for small victories.

I stare at Rick. There is a 'but' I her face. "But?" I ask. Not really sure I want to here the rest right now. I just want to see her and make sure she is still breathing with a machine or not.

"In the case she doesn't"

"No" I cut him off, "She will."

He holds up his hand. "Just in case, you'll have to make the decision whether you want to keep her on the machine or not. I want you to focus on her recovery but there is a chance she might not wake up."

"She will." I sit back in my chair.

"So what's next?' Rodney asks patting my shoulder.

"We wait. I think she should make a lot of progress in the next few days and maybe soon we can remove the tube, until then we will monitor her and continue to clean her system. Hopefully there will be no lasting effects to her body or brain." They both stand up hovering over me.

"Rick, can you just wait to put any restriction on Olivia. Isn't it possible it was an accidental overdose?"

"It's possible but I don't want to take any chances of letting her go then she ends up…"

"Let her talk to Olivia and we'll get our answer when she wakes up. And if we have to we'll drag her to rehab ourselves."

"I'll think about it, until then you can visit as soon as the nurse comes down to get you." Rick pats my shoulder. "She's a fighter Natalia, don't worry."

Rodney sits back down trying his best not to look at me even thought I'm staring a hole through his head.

"Why would she do that?"

"Look I don't know what she has and hasn't told you, but just know that it's because she loves you. That all she talked about while you were gone." He stops talking looking down at his shoes. "Thank you for calling me; you don't know how much it means to me. I consider Olivia family and I guess you're her family and that makes you mine. So if you need anything at all. I'm here whether you want me to be or not."

"Thank you."

The rest of the night was in relative silence between us. We sat in Olivia's room beside her bed taking turns bugging the nurses.

**Rodney**

It's been a long time since I seen her hooked up to machines. It's been three day and Rick says she's stronger and getting better.

I lean against the doorframe of her room feeling a little weak in the knees. It never gets easier to see.

Doris sits on the right of the Olivia's bed, holding her hand, probably praying.

I silently send one up myself not that I think anyone is listening.

I didn't even know she was here until now. She hadn't returned my call.

"What do you think you are doing here?" Doris eyes me dangerously. She only looks this way when she's about to strike and only at me.

"I came to see how she was holding up." I kick at the dingy tile. If I had known she was here I would have waited to see her. I wouldn't have met her in this room at least not by myself.

"Holding up?" Dory rises slowly from her seat leaning over the bed, her eyes burning through me. "Holding up!" She looks at something behind me.

I turn around to see that young Asian punk of hers walking towards the room down the long hall.

Fuck it. If she is going to kill me I might as well get this off my chest.

I step into the room closing the door behind me.

I step to the side of the bed staring Doris right in the face. "You know what Doris; you have been trying to blame me for all of this as long as I can remember. Hell I get it; I shouldn't have given Olivia anything after what happened but how the hell was I supposed to know what really happened. Now this." I take a deep breathe, it could be my last. But the way she's staring at me now, I'm damn glad she does have any supernatural powers.

"If you don't remember I was the one that called you in the first place. You don't know how hard I've tried to put everything back like it was okay. I begged Olivia to get help but she didn't want it and you know how she can be." I take a quick look at our friend lying pale in the bed. "It was Tracey and Keith. I didn't give her anything."

"Oh shut the fuck up Rodney. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Ever since I met you, you have brought nothing but trouble. Nothing has ever been your fault, but it is. You're just a snot nosed asshole who refuses to grow up. So shut your fucking mouth right now." She slowly walks around the bed like she in court sizing me up. "I refuse to put up with your crap."

"I was trying to help her!" Both times. That's all I ever wanted to do was help her. "And don't act so innocent. You knew she was on her way out that's why you conveniently took a vacation. You know Olivia as well as I do and you know once she on that slope nothing can stop her. You have to ride it out, only you did want to ride it out this time so you stuck me here."

She doesn't say anything because she know I'm right.

The door flies open banging against the walk. I close my eyes ready for the blow to the back of the head, maybe a punch or maybe a bullet. Either way I'm probably not going to see the sun.

The seconds tick by each one a blessing showered on me.

It feels like an hour passes. Cautiously I crack one eye open, only to see Olivia's wife standing the middle of the room.

The crying starts immediately, just like every time she has stepped foot in this room

"It's not as bad as it looks the doctors say she will be okay." Doris says with little emotion almost like she didn't want to tell her about Olivia's condition.

Natalia already knows what the Doctors said, Doris just like to try to feel in control of a situation by giving out information.

I step back as she walks to the bedrail looking down at Olivia. She trails one hand down Olivia's face.

I look at Doris just to see what she'll do. She looks at Olivia's wife back almost resenting that she's touching Olivia's without permission. "Natalia maybe you should get some rest."

Natalia turn's around with fire in her eyes.

Oh yeah she is mad as hell.

Her face turns red while her whole body starts to tremble, her ball at her side.

I wonder if she's brave enough to take a swing at Dory. I know she's Olivia's girl but I don't think Dory would think twice about laying her on her back.

I feel like a referee standing between them.

"She is my wife and I should be here with her." She waves Doris off like some waitress.

"Yea where were you when she killing herself?"

I want to jump in so bad I just don't know which side is the best. No matter what Dory is my friend and always right in the end. But to tell Olivia's wife she should leave is a little far.

She has every right to be here.

But I know how protective Doris can be with Olivia.

"Where were you when he-"

The machines start to beep wildly before she can finish her retort but I think I know what she was going to say and that would have been the last thing she would have wanted to bring up.

Doris pushes past both of us to get to the side of Olivia's bed. "Olivia, stop that."

I stand on my tippy toes peeking over her shoulder.

Olivia is fighting the tube. With the strength of a newborn she has somehow managed to get her hand around the plastic, but not able to actually pull it out.

Doris takes both of her wrist suspending them in mid air.

Natalia takes a step back looking like she might actually faint.

The team of doctors and nurses rushes in crowding the scene.

"Ms. Spencer if don't calm down we'll have to restrain and sedate you."

One nurse holds up a syringe with clear liquid while the other appears with wrist restraints.

Olivia quickly stops her losing fight watching the nurse with the restraints get closer.

Dory slowly lets go of her wrist maintaining contact with her hands.

"Good, now Ms. Spencer do you know why you are here?" The doctor talks all the while scribbling in his chart watching the numbers on the monitor.

Olivia shakes her head no.

"Okay, try not to move too much. That tube is going down you're throat to help you breathe easier. You were bought in, in cardiac arrest caused by cocaine toxicity from an overdose. Blink twice if you understand."

She blinks twice her eyes jumping from one person to the next.

"The tube will have to stay in for a little whole longer until Rick gets here to examine you."

Olivia begins to get agitated blinking rapidly for what I can only imagine are curse words.

"Ms. Spencer I need you to calm down. If you upset yourself you'll trigger more seizures."

The doctor looks down at Olivia with a disapproving glance.

The machine began to beep as the numbers jump up and down.

"Olivia baby I'm here." Olivia's girl pushes pass the nurse and Dory.

I see the change immediately. Olivia looks mad as hell. Visibly her jaw clenches biting on the plastic tubing.

"Ms. Spencer, stop biting the tubing…nurse."

The nurse readies the needle again.

"Wait!" I hold my hand out stopping her from injecting the substance. "What's up?" I lean over Olivia letting her know that I'm talking to her.

She stares at me with wide eyed; they slowly roll to where Natalia is standing.

Fuck, how is it I'm always the bearer of bad news? "Um…" I straighten my back. "Can we have a second?"

The doctor and the nurses look at each other before exiting the room.

"Um…you too." I look at her wife.

"Me?" Natalia points at herself more confused than ever.

"Yea, just for a second." I try to explain but she is having none of it.

She looks at Olivia who is staring at the ceiling.

"Olivia?" Hesitantly she takes a step forward before deciding against it. "I love you, Olivia, no matter what."

It's still sickening how overdramatic they are. I mean I know Olivia is in bad shape but damn it's not like she is dying. It was just an overdose, shit I can't count the number of time all three of us have been in that bed.

Natalia closes the door behind her, staring through the glass window.

"Okay they're gone." I sigh looking down at my best friend/ little sister. "I know you want the tube out-"

"Olivia you heard the doctor." Just like she has been doing since college Dory cuts me off talking to Olivia like she's the parent.

Olivia stares hard a Doris as she paces the foot of the bed.

Dory stops looking at Olivia with a critical eye. She shakes her head changing her position. "I'm am going to have the doctor remove the tube but afterwards we are going to have a long talk about this."

As mad as Olivia looks she nods her head, she would probably agree to anything to get the tube out. I know I hate waking up to that thing in my mouth.

"Do you want Natalia to come in?" I ask her out loud just to make sure I was reading her right.

She shakes her head no.

Staring hard at me Dory pushes the call button for the doctor.

He comes in automatically agreeing to Dory's plan even like she the one with the medical degree.

"Okay Ms. Spencer I need you take a deep breathe then blow out of the count of three. One…two…three." He pulls the tube out while Olivia sits up coughing her lungs out.

"That's good Ms. Spencer focus on breathing in and out."

The nurse rushes in jotting down numbers then puts a mask over Olivia face.

"You two stay here I'll go talk to you're wife and see what the doctor's say." Doris exits with the staff leaving us alone.

If she had the strength I think Olivia would have made a run for it, but she looks so tired she can barely keep her eyes open.

An hour later Doris comes back in, jarring us both from a light sleep.

"What'd they say?" Olivia's voice is like sandpaper to my ears.

"They are going to release you into the care of Natalia. You are going to go home tonight and come back for a check up in the morning." Doris says as a matter of fact, leaving no room for argument, but lying down and taking it is rarely Olivia's style.

"The hell I am." Olivia snatches the needles in her arm out.

I cringe at the trickle of blood that escapes. That one reason I never used needles, can't stand the sight of blood especially my own.

"Yes you are." Dory crosses the room snatching gauze off the cart. "Natalia left to get you some clothes; she'll be back in a second." Doris says all of this while pressing the pad to Olivia's leaking arm. "Rodney hand me that tape."

I jump across the room and back handing her the tape. With one hand she tears the tape wrapping it around Olivia's arm.

"I'm going to come get you in the morning to bring you back for your check up."

Right on time Natalia comes in with the clothes Doris promised.

Like a prisoner walking to the chair she slowly puts on each garment of clothing refusing help from either of us.

I look at Natalia who looks like she is half way in the ground too. All the color has gone from her face. She goes to stand next to Olivia who is doing her best not to look at her.

"Are you ready?" Natalia turns to touch Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia twists away from her, looking as if she had never seen the woman before.

"Is your shoulder hurting?" Natalia says missing the mixed look of terror and anger.

"No, just don't." Slowly she sits on the side of bed breathing ragged.

"She is going to go home tonight and I'll pick her up in the morning." Doris' voice booms through the awkward silence.

Natalia seems to fidget a little under Doris gaze seemingly out of habit reaching out for Olivia's folded hands.

Olivia jumps off the bed screaming. "I said no! What don't you understand?"

Natalia ducks down holding her hands up defending herself against the invisible blow.

"Olivia!" Doris yells placing herself between the two women.

Natalia backs up until her back hits the wall.

I stand at the entrance taking it all in. Something is not right about this scene. In her most paranoid state Olivia was calmer than this especially now that her system has been mostly cleaned. No, something is definitely wrong with Olivia for her to be acting this way; I just can't put my finger on it.

"I SAID NO!" Olivia yells flinging her arms through the air.

Doris grabs her wrist pinning them to her side.

Olivia's voice dies to a hoarse whisper. "I said no. I told her no, she keeps touching me. I swear I said no." Her eyes close with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I have to strain to hear her but I've heard it before.

Holy Fucking Hell. God please please please tell me she doesn't mean what I think she means.

"Hey Dory maybe she should stay at the hotel." I step forward finding my voice.

"No she needs to go-"

"Fuck! Would you just listen to me for one second." I cut her off. She doesn't know it all. "Just this once listen to me." I stare at her in the eyes. "Let her go." I motion to Olivia who is still whispering under her voice.

She follows my order releasing Olivia's arms.

We stand in silence both trying to figure out what's the next step to all of this craziness.

"Olivia?" I hear Natalia behind me. "If you just come home…"

Olivia shakes her head.

"I have a better ideal." I turn to Olivia's wife. "How about she goes to the hotel to sleep this off and you come by in the morning and we'll all come to the check up."

Her eyes jump between me and Dory. I know she feels like we at ganging up on her to take Olivia away but she doesn't know how dangerous Olivia can be. I tried to warn her before but this time I am taking the choice out of her hands.

"I'll come with you." Natalia counters.

"No, the morning." I try to convince her with out spelling it out to her.

She looks like she wants to argue but decides against it. "Olivia?" She stands straight up holding her shoulders back. "I'll see you in the morning." She waits, probably for an answer from Olivia, which doesn't come. "I love you." She tries again.

Damn this woman does not quit.

Olivia looks at me like I'm her interpreter.

Doris nudges her.

"I love you too." Olivia eventually mumbles. It seems like its enough for the moment for her wife.

"I'll see you in the morning." She side steps Doris taking Olivia's hand. This time Olivia only cringes but lets Natalia kiss her hand.

This shit is crazy. When I got here Olivia was fine, now we are back to post graduation.

I know something has happened I just don't know what until Olivia tells me. I know one thing Olivia doesn't deserve this.

Out of the wolf pack, besides Dory, she's the only one trying to do something besides snort coke all day.

By the time we make it the hotel, Olivia can barely stand but refuses to let one of us help her.

I know it bad when she won't even let Dory touch her. Instead the whole elevator ride up Olivia stands in the opposite corner of us fighting exhaustion.

When the doors open Olivia staggers to the couch, falling like a redwood onto the cushions.

I can feel Dory's eyes on me.

Right now I'm at a loss. I thought I knew what to do next, now I'm not so sure.

We need to talk to Olivia, but I'm not sure it would help or hurt.

I think I should tell Doris what I think first, but then she is going to blame me for this too. I can't win.

I hear her shoe tapping impatiently. "Just spit it out already."

I keep my back to her hoping to buy some time on how to approach the subject.

Instead of waiting she walks around to face me, her eyes boiling with anything but love and compassion. "I swear to god Rodney if you don't say something right now."

Just out of habit I grind my teeth together really thinking. Maybe I should wait for Olivia to say something after all I could be wrong.

"3…2…"

"Okay!" She's right; a while ago she said she hated talking to me because I only delivered bad news. And she is right. "I didn't want to tell you because Olivia told me not too, but…ugh. Lily was here."

"What the hell did you just say?" Her jaw is so tight I think she might actually break a few teeth if she holds the grit. Either way she steps closer to me with her hand balled into fist.

She's going to hit me either way so I might as well give her a good reason.

"Lily was here."

I can practically hear the blood rushing through Dory.

Instead of decking me she turns quickly walking to the couch.

"Nonono." I run after her to stop her but she's already waking Olivia up.

"Hey, sweetheart." Dory pulls Olivia up to a sitting position. "Olivia, look at me."

"Hm, what?" Olivia struggles to open her eyes.

"Listen to me, this is really important." Dory catches her eyes. "I need to ask you a question." She takes hold of Olivia's face between her hands. "Look at me and don't lie to me."

"Okay." Olivia focuses a little still groggy.

Dory drops her hand massaging Olivia's shoulders. "Did Lily hurt you?"

Olivia's eyes widen as she wakes up more, but they also fill with tears. "I swear I said no." She starts to babble hysterically. "I couldn't fight…I just wanted it to stop…she came out of no where…I tired…"

"I know, I know." Dory calms her down before standing up. "You." She points at me. "Stay here, I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Wait!" Olivia needs for both of us to be here, we were last time and she'll need us this time. I step in Dory's path stopping her; hopefully I can clear some of the red out of her eyes. "Can you stay? I mean when she sobers up she's going to want you to be here. If you're not…I'm rusty at this thing so I need you to be here to help me…please. Look at her."

Dory turns to a teary eyed Olivia slumped on the couch mumbling.

Dory's shoulders sag in defeated. "Just until the morning."

That's my girl.

"We need to get her into some pajamas." I say to no one really because I don't want to touch Olivia and end up with a black eye.

I help Olivia off the couch while Dory opens the bedroom door. Before we can even take our first step Olivia lurches over vomiting a clear liquid.

I almost let her fall as it splatter to the floor, the smell is ripe.

After a couple of dry heaves she stands up leaning against me. WE make it to the bedroom but Olivia pulls away from me leaning against the door frame staring a the bed like she has seen a ghost.

"What's wrong green?" I give her some room just in case she lashes out.

"NO bed, no pajamas."

Dory looks at me like I, supposed to know why. I shrug at her. "Okay so where do you want to sleep?"

"I think I'm going to be sick again." Olivia covers her mouth with her hand stumbling into the bathroom. She almost makes it to the toilet but loses it right beside the bowls.

Dory walks in with a funnel and the comforter from the bed lining the tub with it.

"Why do you have a funnel?'

"Well I'm not sleeping on this floor." She put the funnel in the bathtub drain. "Come on, help me get her in."

With a lot of effort and little help from Olivia we get her in the tub.

Dory and I stand in the larger bathroom staring at each other like we have telekinesis.

"Get in already I'm cold." Olivia croaks from the oversized bathtub.

I kick off my shoes trying to avoid the mess on the floor.

"Don't touch me." Dory points at me climbing into the tub first. She lies out in front of Olivia. I climb over them settling behind Olivia.

"Olivia?"

"Mhm."

"Aim for the funnel." Dory says almost laughing.

"Just like old times." Olivia mumbles.

It is, isn't it?

"So what now?" I ask Dory. I need someone to tell me what to do now. I don't know how to handle this; I don't want to have to handle this.

"Sleep."

When the morning comes Olivia looks much better after a night of sleep. Her eyes are still red and she trembles with a lot of effort to walk on her own but she manages.

"We have to get to your appointment." I tell her watching her play with the breakfast I had brought up for us. "Natalia will be waiting for you."

"I don't want to see her."

Dory comes into the kitchen in clean clothes putting on her earrings.

"So what do you want to do, because using is not an option."

We both watch Olivia think. "I want to leave. Can we go to the ranch like we did last time? I think if I could just clear my mind I can think."

"The ranch?" I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind but Olivia like sitting in the dark and it's scary. Plus I doubt she would want her wife to be there and what about the kids. "What about your wife?"

"What about her?" Olivia asks shrugging her shoulders.

"I don't think you're thinking this through. You need to talk to her first."

"No I want to leave now, today." Olivia struggles to stand up from the table. "I'm not going to make it here; I can't do this if she is looking at me like she does."

"Maybe you should call her first."

"I will but from the plane. She will try to talk me out of leaving and I need to be away from her."

"Why?"

"I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to know."

"Olivia, wait." I stand up following her slow shuffle into the bedroom. "Look I talked to her and she was pretty upset while you were in the hospital. I just think if you gave her a chance…" I don't know what I think. I know if Olivia leaves without talking to her wife she will be devastated. She might never forgive me or Dory. If Olivia was in her right mind she wouldn't be considering this at all.

"I have thought about it. Do you know what I have been doing for the last few days?"

"Yes in the hospital with her by your side."

Olivia shakes her head I know she doesn't remember. "No I've been lying to her; to her face. I was getting high behind her back and every time she tried to help me I said things." She shakes her head again. "I told her not to compare me to Nicky and that is exactly who I became. I can't look her in the eye if I'm not better, if I'm not stronger than Lily. How can I say I love her when I told her to her face I would cheat on her when I felt like it? How can she love me when I'm became everything she hates, everything her father said I would be."

"But to just up and leave, that's not the answer."

"Right now it is." The trembling in Olivia legs get worse as she tries to remain standing up.

"Sit down."

"Where is my phone?"

"She probably still has it."

Doris walks into the room on her phone. "The plane will be ready in an hour."

"Dory, I think maybe we should wait."

"Rodney." She turns to me with a angry smirk. "The only reason you are not dead is because Olivia begged me not to hurt you. And while I accept you presence I won't tolerate you along to me like everything is okay. Yesterday was a free pass, next time I won't be so nice."

I shake me head, only after she turns away. If I really thought about it leaving does make since. The only time I can honestly say Olivia quit snorting are the two times we've been out to the ranch, once after Weller and then after that trail. She was so determined to find her wife she got clean in no time and was back on the case.

I just wish I didn't have to do it behind her back. She is going to be pissed.

OH man. I really have changed. Way to go for thinking about other peoples feelings. Go Rodney. Go Rodney.

Dory slaps my shoulder before helping Olivia.

Shit I bet I was dancing.

"Olivia, you know I am for what ever will help you but I want to make sure you want to do this today. We could wait for tomorrow." Dory slings her arm around Olivia shoulders.

I take a seat on the opposite side of Olivia waiting for her to answer.

"What time is it?"

"8."

"What time is my appointment?"

"11."

"Is Rick going to be there?"

"Yea I already talked to him and he's kind of upset you left without his permission."

"He's going to try to commit me. But I didn't mean to do it." Olivia waves her hands through the air.

"Rodney and I believe you."

"Yes I need to start today." Olivia starts moving with renewed energy. "I need to get away from this bed, this room, and this town just for a little while to collect myself."

**NATALIA**

I pick up Olivia's phone dialing one then waiting for the first voicemail to play. Of course she wouldn't have called my phone because I would have answered. She called her own phone probably knowing I won't have it on me.

If Rodney hadn't have called me I would have still been waiting at the hospital for them to show up. At least one of them as the nerve to say something, even if he didn't let me say anything. At least he told me she left me a message on her phone.

"Hey, Natalia. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay. I um…I needed some space and I had to get away, but I'll be back…I think. No I will. I um…you know I love you so much." I hear her sob on the other end. "No you know that, don't have to say that. I'm sorry. I thought I could." Her voice turns hard with anger. "I fucking told you before and you…it's your fault…no I mean." She sighs, her voice low and full of emotion. "I though I could keep you. I th-though that just maybe we were enough for me to be okay but it wasn't. I can't be who you wanted me to be and I blamed you. I wanted so much to tell you why. But all I can come up with is I'm sorry. I turned into a monster and you tried to put up with it but I don't want you to put up with anything besides being happy and I can't make you happy they way I am right now. So I'm going to get clean and when I come back I swear I will make all this up to you and Rafe and Emma tell them I love them so much. I love you too. I need you to be strong for them and...when I'm stronger I'll be back and…"  
"Olivia you're babbling." I hear Doris in the background.

"Let her babble to her wife…I mean…please." Rodney whispers.

"Natalia I love you. Bye."


	8. December 2018

**Present December 2018 **

**OLIVIA**

Today has been a really good day besides the swelling in my ankles.

This heart condition isn't making anything better. It's getting harder to keep up appearances.

My last check up wasn't exactly a breezy. Jackie told me that much. Jaime is staying optimistic but I know the worst is coming upon me.

Jackie gave me a list of possible methods of care, at the bottom of the list in bold letter hospice was written out. The thing I have dreaded my whole life is coming true, dying helpless and hooked up to machines.

Although I do have a lot of help from Rafe, Doris and Jaime.

I can't believe Christmas is here already. It feels good to have made it this far if only I could ease everyone around me.

Doris is in her protective mode. I can't get her to stop hovering.

Rafe is doing exactly what I told him not to do. He's taking too much time worrying about me and not himself. I don't think he has even filled out any college applications.

Rodney has yet to call me but I'm sure the facility he's in doesn't allow phone calls this early in treatment.

Jaime is being Jaime. She doesn't show emotions often, that's why I know I can trust her to keep her cool.

I worry everyone else will blurt it out or possibly break down crying in front of Natalia.

Thinking of Natalia she still seems to be on edge. Though she does seem a little less troubled. I know something was up with her, there is no way she gave up that fast.

"Mooooooooooom."

I look up from my place on the floor surrounded by wrapping paper and old letters.

"What are you doing?" Rafe sits on the floor beside me. "It's Christmas eve, business can wait."

"It's not business, there the letters you wrote me when you left with your mother."

He picks up various letters laughs at the letter in his hand. "Aw man, what the hell was I thinking?"

"I love that letter."

"It's stupid."

"It's cute." I take the letter away from him before he tries to sneak away with it.

"I'm sorting them."

"Why aren't you resting? Doc says that's important."

"I know what she said."

"Well I don't because you keep scheduling your appointments during school, which is mean."

"I don't need you holding my hands you need to focus on your future." I shift to Indian style turning towards my oldest.

"I want to. As many times as you've been there for me I want to return the favor." Rafe bites the inside of his cheek.

We've never been the best at sentimental talks. At least we try. "What are you up to?" I change the subject.

"I was going to take Brittany her present but she still mad at me for some reason."

"She'll come around." I pat his shoulder, women are tough especially as young as they are.

"That's just the thing." Rafe stretches his leg out. "I think I'm going to break up with her."

"And why would you do that?" I shake my head, so impulsive.  
"Because of the way she's acting." He shrugs his shoulder slumping forward. "I told her I was growing up and I don't think she can handle that."

I have to hold in a laugh. "Is that right?"

"Seriously, she's always on me to do this or that and I keep telling her I have other responsibilities."

"I hope you are not referring to me."

"Yes, I mean no. I just want to help you out. I can't tell her why but she should trust me, but she's always barking about this or that." He pick at the carpet like its grass.

"Have you truly thought this out?" I stack my letter back up putting them into their protective sleeve and box.

"Yea, I know Jaime is going to kick my butt but I don't see us making it if Brittany can't except I can't spend ever waking second with her."

"You used to."  
"True, but-"

Three pair of feet and the sound of laughter flow down the stairs. I turn around just in time to see one naked body and two half clothed bodies run into the kitchen.

Natalia is kind of behind them her arms full of clothing. She stops at the end of the couch. "Olivia you said you were going to help me this year." She huffs.

I look up at her trying not to laugh at her wet clothing and messy hair. "You really want to help me?" I whisper to Rafe. "Go put your little sisters and brother to bed, Santa will be here in no time."

"I got it Ma!" Rafe stands up from the floor walking into the kitchen.

I stand up doing a very good job at not showing the effort it takes.

I take the clothes out of Natalia's arms taking her into mine. "I say that every year." I kiss her neck feeling her squirm in my arms. "Do you want to punish me?"

"All night." She wraps her arms around my neck, her brown eyes full of worry.

"Everything is fine." I lie.

"I know." She lies looking away.

"Then look at me and say it."

Rafe walks into the kitchen heading up stairs with Emma over his shoulder and Alex under his arm. "I got two of them, but you know."

Lexi still refuses to let males touch her. The high pitched scream is enough to kill everyone's hearing in seconds. She still hasn't warmed up to Rafe like Alex has.

"I'll get her." Natalia pulls away running her hand down my jaw.

"Goodnight Emma, Alex." I wave as they disappear with Rafe.

"Goodnight!" They both scream from the stairs.

"Get some sleep or Santa will pass our house."

They both laugh.

This is probably the last year they will believe in Santa and the last year I'll be here with them if this doesn't go my way.

Natalia follows Rafe's path with Lexi on her hip.

'Goodnight.' I sign to my youngest.

'Goodnight' She signs back burying her face in Natalia's neck.

The doorbell rings pulling my attention away from my disappearing wife and child.

"I'll get it." I open the door coming face to face with Rodney and Doris. "Wow."

I'm stunned at how good Rodney looks in just a few weeks and even more stunned that he's here. We had planned to spend Christmas here then New Years with him.

"What are you doing here?" I pull his stiff body into an embrace.

"You're really going to ask me that question after what you sent me."

"Shh." Look back at the stairs and sure enough Natalia is still there with Lexi watching us.

I step back grabbing my coat off the hanger. "It's just Rodney and Doris I'll be up in a minute to put them down." I close the door behind me guiding Rodney and Doris a few steps away from it.

"That's fucked up Olivia." Rodney sneers at me.

"Well what did you rather I do, I tried calling you but I couldn't so I texted you and I figured when ever they let you have your phone back you would know what's going on."

Rodney shakes his head in disappointment balling his fist by his side.

"It's still good to see you." I pinch his side.

He tries to hide it but I see the smirk on his face.

I wrap my arms around his waist. We embrace for longer than needed but we both need this. One day I'll have give everyone a goodbye hug with or without them knowing.

Rodney turns to Doris and her unusual silence.

She holds the vanilla folder under her arm with a very serious scowl on her face. It's unmistakable, she is pissed.

"What?" I ask knowing the answer and hoping the papers in the folder are one of the last pieces to my puzzle.

Doris leans against the rail while Rodney sits atop it.

"I don't get it." She slaps the folder on her open palm.

"I know."

"No don't say you know because you don't. What I want is an explanation and a damn good one." Her lips are tight making all the words string together. She's sexy when she's mad.

"Did you file it?"

"Yes but I want to know why on earth you would request something like this." She opens the folder flipping through the pages.

Rodney leans over reading the papers. "Holy shit Olivia you signed a DNR."

"Its not."

"It is." Doris jumps in, "I Olivia Spencer would like no heroic measure preformed to preserve my life."

"There is more to it."

"You have a potentially fatal disease!"

I take a deep calming breathe. "I know you read the rest or you wouldn't have signed it. I asked that I not be kept alive on a ventilator or feeding tube if I'm already brain dead or just flat out dead. I know I have a disease that will eventually incapacitate me and I would love it if the person I trusted knows how I feel and will not let me waste away."

Doris turns away from me. The fog of her breath comes faster.

I step behind her holding her close to me. "You have to understand that one day it will happen. I have and I think this is the best thing to do while I still can. I don't want people or machine poking and prodding me or cleaning me. I don't want to be a vegetable."

"Why?" She lays her head on my shoulder, eyes closed.

"You know why." I kiss her cheek.

Rodney jumps off the rail with a lost look. "I don't get it, all the money we have there has to be a way to…maybe hold off until you can get to the top of some transplant list. There has to be a black market for this kind of shit."

Doris twists out of my hold. "I thought I told you to minimize your role in this conversation!" She yells stepping right in Rodney's face.

"What's going on?" Natalia steps outside onto the porch.

"Nothing sweetie. I was just inviting Doris and Rodney to the dinner tomorrow."

Natalia gives Rodney a dirty look, the kind she always gives him when he relapses.

Rodney concentrates on everything except my wife.

We stand in the silence of the night. "Um, babe can you give us a few more minute I'll be right there."

Natalia's eyes bounce between the three of us. She has to know something is wrong the way Rodney and Doris refuse to look at her. "Sure. Don't be long."

I wait for her to close the door before tuning back to my long time friends.

"What hell was that?" Rodney finds his voice. "Tell me she knows about all this or are you planning on sending her a text too."

"It's none of your business; I'll tell everyone when I'm ready."

Rodney huffs shaking his head at me.

"So tomorrow?"

"Maybe New Years I don't feel like everyone looking at me funny." Rodney fiddles with his shirt tail.

I didn't think I was going to have to pull out the big guns this early but here goes nothing. "Please. This could be my last Christmas and I wanted to spend it with everyone."

I see Doris stiffen but Rodney plays right into my hand.

"When you put it like that." He pulls out a cigarette lighting it.

"Don't blow that in her face, put this shit out." Doris snatches the stick out of his mouth. "And you." She points at me. "That is not fair for you to use that against us."

"Your right but I would really appreciate it you showed up."

"Fine." Doris shoves the folder into my arms. "Let's go Rodney."

"Bye Green." Rodney gives me a quick hug before jumps off the porch and running to catch up with Doris.

**NATALIA**

After as wild night and an even crazier morning we finally convinced the children their toys would be there when they got back, we made it to Lindsey's and Jaime's on time . Even Johnny, Doris and Rodney came on time.

Now that dinner is over every one has disappeared into different rooms.

Today when rather smoothly, I hate to ruin it but it has to be done. I can't sit by any more. I can't wait and see like last time I need to take charge and I need to do it now.

Blake, Lindsey and I sit at the cleared off table trying to finalize the plan. Lexi is in my lap. She still has a problem with too many men around.

"So we're still doing this?" Blake takes a sip from her coffee mug. I can tell she is nervous with energy.

To tell the truth I am too. It took all I had not to say anything to Olivia last night.

"I have to, I can't wait any long its killing me."

"Well I agree. Even Jaime has been acting weird not to mention Doris. I think they know what is going on. I know she is keeping a secret about what, I don't know."

Blake nods her head. "Did she ever say anything about the you know what?"

"Nothing, for a while I thought maybe they were Rafes' and that is why he was acting so crazy but now he seems fine. He goes to school; he works with her all day and comes home without an attitude. He's almost too helpful."

'What' Lexi turns signing to me.

I forget she is here a lot of the times. This is something she doesn't need to worry about. Alex nor Emma need to know what going on. 'Nothing, go play with your brother.'

She slides off my lap with her lip poked out. Any other time I would let her stay knowing she won't utter a word about our conversations but this is different.

I wait until she is gone to continue. "But here lately Olivia has been more absent and tired all the time. Her eyes are always red and she can hardly sleep through the night. I'm so worried I can't think about anything else."

"I think we are doing the right thing here." Lindsey reaches across patting my hand. "I'm glad we are doing this as a group that way she knows she has all of our support and maybe it's a good thing Rodney is back. She'll listen to him."

"I hope so. Then again I hope I'm wrong or if she did relapse that is over now. And we can move on from here."

"So when do you want to do this?" Blake fixes herself another drink.

"As soon as Father Ray gets here I want to start."

"Where is everyone anyway?" Lindsey looks around.

She is right is it almost too quiet.

**OLIVIA**

"Would you please stop hovering?" I try to say with a lot more growl in my voice. I could if I could catch my breath. Since this morning it has seemed impossible for more that a few minutes.

"Olivia I think we need to take you to get checked out." Jaime says frowning at the thermometer.

"I'm fine if you three would just give me some room."

Doris and Rodney take small steps back.

I rub my temples trying to ease a headache that has been lingering since last night. I guess I over did it with Natalia's Christmas present.

"I talked to Jackie." Jaime says with a disapproving tone that I've become so used to.

"So did I." I snap back only succeeding in making my headache worse. But the last thing I need is them in agreement. Jackie is already getting on my nerves, her practice is in Chicago but somehow she is always here.

"Olivia you have a temperature."

"How much did you pay for your degree?"

Jaime pulls out her stethoscope sitting behind me on her bed. "You can be as sarcastic as you want that doesn't change that you need to go to the hospital. I need to run a full set of test on you."

"God Jaime it's nothing." I try to swipe her away. That move alone made me dizzy.

"It's not okay. Now be still and take some deep breathes."

**Rafe**

"Okay are you going to tell me what your problem is or not." I step into Brittany's room followed closely by Emma and Alex.

I can't get a minute to myself without them. "Would you two leave me alone?"

"We want to play with Brittany not you." Emma sticks her tongue out at me.

"No." I push both of them out of the door. At the same time Brittany punches me in the back not the flirty kind of punch. It really stung.

"Don't talk to them like that. They are just children Rafe." She gets down on her knees, eye level with them. "Emma I would love to play with you but right now I need to talk to your brother."

"Are you going to play with me?" Alex pushes Emma to the side.

"Of course how could I forget my favorite little man?" Brittany ruffles Alex's hair before getting up and closing the door.

She looks very serious.

But I'm serious too. This attitude she's had has been going on for far too long. Either it has to change or I'm finished.

I sit down on top of her desk putting my feet in the chair. "So what's been going on with you lately?"

"I'll ask the questions." She plops down on her bed pulling one of the fuzzy pillows in her lap. "What are your plans?"

"What plans?"

"Your future plans Rafe you haven't filled out a single college application nor have you been to tour campuses."

"I already told you I'm not going to college." For the last 3 weeks we've had this conversation and it always ends with her storming out.

"So what you're just going to live off of your parents for the rest of your life?"

"I'm going to help Olivia run the hotel, what does any of this have to do with anything?" I push the chair out with my feet then pull it back in.

"How are you going to support a family?"

"A family? God Brit you act like I'm poor or something." I get up pacing the room. "I mean I know your so god damn smart-"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Don't interrupt me." I catch my finger before I stick it in her face. "We have plenty of time to figure life out all I want to do is spend a few months with you before you go off to college."

"So what we are supposed to have along distance relationship?"

"It could work." I shrug my shoulders trying to calm the sudden anger coursing through me.

"You're already sleeping with other girls I'm supposed to trust you while I'm away." She throws the pillow at me but I dodge it.

"I told you it was once and last year. Plus I didn't do anything to her she did me." It's not like she's putting out. I respect her right to say no but a man can only take so much. While other guys are having sex constantly I only get it about twice a month that's not supposed to happen until the second year of marriage.

"So that makes it better?" She picks up another pillow poised to throw it too. "I refuse to let you walk in and out of this relationship."

"Fuck it we don't have to have one."

She looks up at me shocked. She definitely didn't see that coming. As I expected the tears gather in her eyes. She gets off the bed walking to the place I was sitting. She opens the draw pulling something out.

Maybe she is right if I don't go to college then we will have a long distance relationship. There will be other guys for her and other girls throwing themselves at me just because of my name. I can't help that. But if she can't see how much I've grown in the last few months that's her problem I'm sure I can find another girl.

The problem is I want Brittany.

Brittany turns back to me with folded papers tucked tight.

I might as well tell her now.

"I want to break up." "I'm pregnant." We say the words at the same time and our reactions are about the same. Mouth open catching flies.

I feel like the wind was just knocked out of me. Jaime is going to kill me.

"You what?" She gasps holding the paper to her chest.

"Wait, you're what?"

"You want to break up with me?" Brittany whispers leaning heavily against the desk.

I take two big steps snatching the paper out of her hand. They're sonograms. Holy shit I'm going to be a father. Jaime is going to kill me.

So many feelings flow through me fighting for control. Disbelief finally wins.

How do I know it's mine?

Don't say it Rafe.

Even as I tell myself not ask I say it anyway. "How do I know it's mine?"

Brittany straights to her full height, which is 3 inches taller than me, with fire in her eyes. I see her hand but I can't react. The sting from the slap hurts but I'm still in shock.

"Fuck you Rafe, you're the one fucking everything that walks and you wonder why I won't have sex with you." She starts for the door.

"Okay wait." I grab her around her waist putting my hand over my son. God my son it sounds weird. "I didn't mean that, you know that, I just have so much on my mind right now. I love you."

She breaks out of my hold. "Don't worry about it Rafe you don't have to stick around because of this if you want to leave me then go."

"No I don't want to break up. I just…" I sit on the bed staring at the picture. My eyes start to sting.

How can it be that my mom is dying and I have a child on the way? She might never get to see him. She might not be around for his first steps, or words, or Christmas. He'll never know her like I want him too. It'll just be stories and pictures of his grandmother.

"Oh my god Rafe what wrong?" Brittany sits beside me with her arm around my shaking shoulders.

"You can't tell anyone." How pathetic am I that I'm crying in front of my own girlfriend.

"Baby, tell me what's wrong?"

"Olivia's dying." I hold my head down.

"What? Oh my god." She squeezes me tighter. "How, why?"

I'm so choked up all I can do is point at my chest.

"I'm sorry."

I hiccup a couple of time before I can speak. "I don't know what I'm going to do. My mom is dying and there is nothing I can do."

"You're lying!"

I snap my head to the door to see Emma and Lexi standing there. "You're lying!"

They both take off running in different directions.

I run after Emma knowing Lexi will scream her head off if I touch her. Brittany goes after her.

I catch Emma right before she can make it into the kitchen where Ma is.

I put my hand over her mouth taking her upstairs and back to Brittany's room. Brittany is already there with Lexi in her lap.

I feel Emma's tears running down the back of my hand.

I sit her down on the bed beside Brittany and Lexi.

"You're a stupid liar." She practically spits in my face.

"Emma shut up. Okay, just be quite." I hiss at her.

She buries her face in Brittany's shoulder still crying.

I take a few deep breaths. Out of the corner of my eye I see Johnny pass by the open door then I see Dr. Rooks.

What the hell is she doing here?

"Brittany I'll be right back, keep them here."

I walk out of the room and follow Dr. Rooks into Lindsey and Jaime's bedroom.

Olivia is lying on the bed with her shirt open looking very agitated. "Oh who the hell called her?"

"Rafe close the door." Jaime orders.

I do then take my place beside the bed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing Rafe." Olivia tries to sit up but Jaime pushes her back down. "I told you to lie down and I mean it."

Dr. Rooks puts down her bag opening it. "Hi Olivia."

Olivia grunts at Dr. Rooks.

"How is she doing?"

"Better now. Her heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof. I think we need to do a full work up." Jaime moves to give her room next to Olivia.

"What I think is that we need to go ahead with an implant. Your arrhythmias are getting dangerous and more frequent." Dr. Rooks talks to Olivia.

Olivia sits up batting away Jaime and Wolfe's hands. "I'm fine now. I told you I just over did it last night."

"Yea you should have heard them." I almost laugh but the look on Olivia's face stops me.

"Rafe."

"Sorry." I duck back, I don't need her mad at me too.

"Great how are we supposed to explain Jackie to Natalia?" Olivia says buttoning her shirt.

"How about you just tell her what's going on?" Rodney throws his hands in the air.

"Was not talking to you." I help Olivia stand up. "You know its going to look real suspicion with all of us in this room."

That is so true. I'm surprises Ma hasn't come to see where everyone is.

Right on cue Ma walks in, her eyes jumping from one person the next before landing on Dr. Rooks. "Hi."  
"Hi." Dr. Rooks waves.

"Father Ray is here I need everyone in the main room." She looks serious so I know it's not just about Father Ray arriving. There has to be some significance to him being here.

Everyone begins to march out leaving me and Ma trailing behind. I start to follow them but she puts her hand on my arm stopping me.

"Rafe I need you to watch your brother and sister."

"Ah come on Ma, I'm not a child. If something is going down I think I should be able to attend the meeting."

She looks like she is about to disagree for a second.

"What's going on?"

"I guess you are growing up." Ma pulls me back into the bedroom. "We are having an intervention for Olivia."

"What?" I almost laugh and then I remember that Ma doesn't know what's really going on with Olivia.

"I guess you can sit in and say what you have to. Don't interrupt we are handling this." She walks away from me.

I follow her down stairs wondering if I should warn Olivia or just sit quietly and watch it all unfold.

**OLIVIA**

I hold on to Doris slightly trying to regain my balance after the long journey down the stairs. "What is this about?" I whisper in her ear as we disconnect.

"Blake wouldn't tell me."

We all stand around in the room not looking at each other. Natalia and Rafe make their way down stairs.

I know this is nothing good when Natalia has that determined look on her face.

"I want to thank everyone for being here and sharing a lovely evening with our family. " Natalia starts. She walks to me pulling me to the couch. "Please sit."

I do but only because I'm tired of standing already.

"Some of you do and don't know that this evening is more than about getting together for Christmas it's about helping the people we love."

Father Ray, Blake, Lindsey and Johnny's eyes are all staring intently at me.

"It's about love and a dedication to one another." Natalia addresses the whole room then sits by me taking my hand.

That look in her eyes has doubled by ten folds.

I look at Rafe who looks like he is about to explode. His mouth is pinched tight.

"Olivia." Natalia draws my attention back to her. "I love you, we love and that's why we have gathered here to help you in your time of need."

Who told her?

"I know the last few weeks have been rough and I want to help you through what ever it is that is plaguing you. We all do." She sweeps her hand around the room.

Okay what is she talking about; it can't be about my heart unless someone here wants to donate.

"You have a drug problem and we are going to help you through recover again."

My mouth drops open at her statement, so do Rodney's and Doris's. Jaime makes a loud groan shooting laser at Lindsey.

"N-Natalia-" I stutter.

"Before you say anything I have to say this." She pulls out a piece of paper unfolding it. "Your addiction has hurt a lot of people in the past including me."

I stand off the couch backing away from her. "Natalia listen to me. I'm not using okay!"

She keeps reading. "I love you but I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself and everything you've worked for."

"Shut up!" I yell over her. I regret it but the angry is rising. I'm mad at myself for not being able to stop my body from killing its self but I'm really mad because for a second I wished it was that simple. I'll take a relapse over this any day.

She stops reading glaring angrily at me. "I'm trying to help." She wipes at the tears that streak down her face.

"I'm sorry, I know." I take her in my arms feeling her hug me tightly.

"I love you and I can't lose you to this again." She sobs into my shoulder.

**RAFE**

"Let's give them a second." Father Ray tries to usher everyone out but Olivia pulls Ma into the kitchen area away from us.

Brittany comes down stairs looking around the room. "What happened?"

"Tell me you didn't know about this intervention." I whisper to her.

"No, for Olivia?"

"Yea, I think Lindsey knew."

We both watch as Jaime whispers to Lindsey. She seems really mad.

Doris, Johnny and Rodney are huddled in their own corner whispering.

Silence falls between us and then I remember the news she dropped on me just minutes ago. "Have you been to the doctor?" Of course she has, where else would she have gotten those pictures, but I need something to say.

"Yes." Brittany rubs here arms refusing to look at me. "I talked to Dr. Gibbs, he said it's not too late to terminate."

"What!" I say too loudly gaining everyone's attention.

I pull Brittany into our own corner. "You aren't getting rid of my kid."

"You don't even want it; you just tried to break up with me."

"It doesn't matter if we are together or apart this kid is ours. We made it and I'm not going to sit by and let you kill it." I'm seething at the thought that she would even entertain the ideal of getting rid of it. For all I know she could have done it without my knowledge I would have never known I had a child on the way.

"I wasn't going to do it anyway." She pushes me which isn't effective but I step back any way to give her space. "I'm just giving you a way out." Brittany starts to cry taking a step from me.

I pull her back to me hugging her around her waist. "Look, I think we've just had a breakdown of communication here. We're good together. Right? We've just both been busy but from now on I'm going to be here for you and our baby." I put my hand on her stomach. "I need you to realize that I need to help Olivia too. But I promise to make us a family even when you go to school."

Nope, I'm not going to be like Nicholas. I'm going to raise my son to be someone. He'll never have to be scared of anything including me. I have to do this right so he'll know what a family is like from the time he is born. I have to be the man Olivia tried to raise me to be. "Brittany, will you marry me?"

Brittany looks up at me in disbelief. "You don't have to do that."

I shake my head. Everyone will think I did it for the baby and maybe they are partly right but I do love Brittany and I want to prove I can be what she needs. "I want to. You two are everything to me and I would do anything to make you happy. Say yes."

"Rafe. Jaime would kill me."

We all jump at the shattering glass coming from the kitchen. "No!"

Everyone runs to the door to find Ma on the floor holding on tight to Olivia. Her cries can probably be heard down the street, but no one can blame her. Who wants to hear you're wife is dying.

Brittany wraps her arms around my waist and whispers behind me. "Okay."


	9. Who do you love?

**First Loves**

**Olivia**

"Are you sure you want to do this? It's never too late to turn around."

"Doris for the thousandth time; it's been a month, a whole thirty days without my wife. I need to get back to my life some time." We pick our bags up off the floor headed or the double door.

"I know that." She holds the door open for me letting it close on Rodney who is carrying her luggage too.

I give her a dirty look while she shrugs off. "You do look good though."

"Thank you." I drop my bag on the ground squinting at the sudden burst of light. "God it's bright and hot."

"What do you expect it almost?" Rodney huffs trying to stand up straight with the bags weighing him down.

"There's the car." Doris points at the black limo pulling up to the curb.

I bite the inside of my cheek trying not to notice the looks Rodney and Doris are giving me. I called Natalia three days in a row to tell her when the plane was going to land. She never did respond back. I think she was still mad I told her to stop calling me a week into out trip.

It wasn't to be mean, I need time to myself. To not think about how much I disappointed her and to not think about what will happen when I came back. I needed that time. When ever I did try to contact her I chickened out hanging up before she answered. I don't know why I just couldn't find the strength to talk to my own wife but I didn't. I texted her a couple of times but I couldn't bring myself to actually talk to her not after all the things I said to her. Not until last week did we talk. I called her but she was very short and curt with me. I know she was mad and probably still is. I'm sure after I tell her what happen she'll understand.

"Why don't you ride with us?" Doris asks. She motions to Rodney to pick up my bag but I stop him.

"No, I'll wait. Natalia will be here. She's probably just running late." I pick up my bag sitting it by the bench against the wall. I calmly take a seat and start to wait.

"Well I can't leave you here by yourself, so I'll wait with you." Doris sits down beside me.  
The driver of the car gets out stacking the bags in the trunk.

"You can park somewhere until my friends' wife gets here." Rodney hands the man a hundred dollar bill.

He simply nods his head and hops in his car pulling up to the end of the curb.

Rodney steps back to us trying to sit down on the other sit of Doris but she is having none of it. "No."

"Doris don't be-" A deadly stare cuts off the rest of his sentence. We both know there is no use in arguing. Doris will punish him until she is satisfied. "Fine." He leans against the wall for a few minutes before resorting to sitting on the ground.

We sit in silence it seems forever. The sun has began make it way down to the horizon.

I look down at my watch; we've been waiting two hours. Every time I call her I get the voicemail she's not even responding to my text.

I want to be stubborn and hopeful and wait here until 2 the next afternoon. Maybe she got the days mixed up. Or maybe she came yesterday and thought we decided to spend another week or month. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or maybe she doesn't care that I came back.

"Ok."

My word snaps Doris out of her trance. She gets up taking my hand and leading me to the car. "Don't worry."

"I'm trying."

The ride in the car is silent except for Rodney and Doris bickering about something unimportant.

"Olivia you okay?"

I look at Rodney. He has a serious look on his face.

I mentally check myself. I'm sitting up straight, I'm not crying so why would he ask me that.

"Yes, why?"

"You've just been quiet. For the last four days you've been going on and on about coming back home."

I look back out the window at the passing scenery. It looks the same and different at the same time. It feels like ages since I've been here and yet it seems like yesterday I was having a mental break down somewhere along these streets. "Yes, I'm fine."

Doris looks across at me with a blank stare.

I hate when she does that. She knows I can't read the look. I don't like not knowing what someone is thinking while they are looking at me.

"What?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

I feel myself getting a like more excited as the familiar trees began to pass. I know we are almost there, my home, my wife, my kids.

My kids. I totally forgot about them in all this mess. I haven't really thought about their reaction to my arrival. I wonder if she told them why I was away. I hope not.

Natalia most likely wouldn't do that. She would want them to have a golden image of me even if hers is tarnished.

"We're here." The driver announces.

The words send my ears ringing. I'm finally home. The new new me, that isn't afraid of her own shadow and that can make it through the day without having a total meltdown.

I take a deep breathe, feeling better than I did standing in front of an empty parking lot.

How could I have been so stupid to think she would have abandoned me? Of course Natalia didn't come to pick me up, she probably wouldn't have been able to keep a secret.

She has to be throwing me a surprise party. I bet everyone is here, ready to jump out, which would be just great. I need to get around to everyone and apologize for my actions, especially the one who tried to help.

"You want me to walk you up?" Doris leans across touching my leg.

I must look crazy with a big kool-aid smile on my face. "If you want to." I open the door stepping out into the warm fresh air.

"I'll stay here she probably hates us as it is." Rodney mutters as I get out.

Doris nods her head, but gets out helping me get my bag out. "I want you to call me as soon as you get settled. We'll have lunch tomorrow, okay."

"Okay."

She kisses my cheek before getting back in the car.

I watch it leave trying to prepare myself for whatever.

I want to start by telling Natalia how sorry I am for leaving and tell her why all of it went to hell.

While sitting in the pitch dark basement I realize I was giving Lily way too much power over my life. I have since graduated. The funny thing is I have never had a nightmare about her, it's always about him. But it seems she is the only one who can break me down into feeling like nothing, maybe because the first time was sort of consensual and the second was my fault. I shouldn't have been drinking.

Hell the first step in every program is to admit you have a problem. I do have a problem but my second step was to admit fault. I admit it was mostly my fault, first for flirting so much, second for being high, third for saying yes then changing my mind, and last for drinking that night. I should have stayed on my toes knowing she was around.

So in the month that I've been away I have corrected some of my mistakes. I haven't had a drink in 20 days. I haven't taken in drugs in 25 days. And I have been working on not flirting so much. I have stopped winking, stopping smiling at strangers who catch my eye and stopped tossing my hair; not that there is much left.

I cut it to just above shoulder length and dyed it black with gold streaks. Doris said the streak would help it not look so depressing. Rodney even cut and dyed his hair. Doris refused to cut her hair but being a team player she dyed it.

We looked silly but I think my look has grown on everyone.

I take another deep breathe before ringing the door bell. In my haste to leave I forgot my keys and my phone. I should have stopped to get them before I left but I'm here now, with my family.

In less than a minute the door open with Emma's little face sticking out. "Mommy!" She jumps into my arms squeezing her arms around my neck. She pulls back fingering shorter hair. "Your hair?"

"I cut it, you don't like it?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "My present?"

"Of course I bought my little jumping jellybean something." I tickle her ribs.

She laughs fidgeting to get down. I put her on her feet looking into the empty living room.

Where is everyone?

"Come in so we can play." She pulls me by the hand into the room.

The furniture is new. Gone are the red and white couch and chairs. They've been replaced with yellow and white furniture. The ends tables were painted yellow with a white streak. The curtains are white and flap in the open window. The house smells of fresh flower sitting in their pots around the room.

I close the door and the thud echo through the room.

Natalia comes running down the stairs in a panic. "Emma, how many times have I told you about opening the door?" She gets to the bottom before registering me standing behind our little girl.

Her mouth drops open as she stares at me with a strange look.

I see Rafe come half way down the stairs looking at me with a blank stare. He shakes his head before turning around and stomping back up the stairs.

"Hey." I turn back to Natalia.

"Hi." She says before dropping down to Emma. "How many times baby?"

"But I did look first." Emma pouts.

"No Emma, don't open the door at all." Natalia says firmly.

I know she is trying to teach her a lesson, there are evil people out there but it's me.

She can open the door for her other mother, right? Or have I lost that privilege to be trusted. I shouldn't be surprised. I snuck around the house on her getting high and drunk when ever she turned her back. I broke promise after promise to get my way, why should I expect everything to just be okay now that I'm clean again.

Emma nods her head sniffing back the tears.

She's so sensitive to reprimand that I hate to be the one to do it.

"It's okay, don't cry." Natalia pulls her into a hug.

I feel like I'm intruding on a moment. I clear my throat on instinct.

Natalia kisses Emma's head before standing up staring a hole through me.

"I guess you didn't get my message." I shuffle from one foot to the next. I don't really know what to expect form her. She wasn't there to pick me and now there is not party or even welcome home hug.

She looks at me like I am a stranger.

I know I acted like one the last time she saw me. She probably doesn't know which personality to talk to too. Maybe she is scared of me, hell I know I would be. But I will make all of it okay. I know I can, if she just gave me a chance I could explain it all and make it better.

It's still a toss up if I should tell her about Lily or not. I could always lie and say some unknown person was the culprit, but where would that get me but back in that vicious cycle of lying to my wife.

"Come on Emma let me make you a snack." She turns around walking to the kitchen with Emma in tow.

I don't know if I should follow or not. I hate the silent treatment, but I deserve it and more.

I follow them into the kitchen standing the doorway.

"Wait Mommy. Susie wants snack too." Emma runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Susie? Does she have a friend over?

Natalia moves around the kitchen in a knowing fashion. Without missing a step she goes from the bread holder to the pantry and to the counter.

"Natalia?"

She keeps moving pulling out various items, chips, carrots, more bread, spoon, juice boxes…

I step in front of the refrigerator as she moves back to it.

She stops huffing at my intrusion.

"I know you're angry."

"I'm not angry. Please move." Her voice is calm and even. Her mouth is pulled down into a frown and her eyes are unreadable.

"You are."

"I'm not Olivia. I'm not angry at you. I know you went to get clean, so why would I be mad?"

I could name a hundred reasons off the top of my head. "Because-"

"I'm not angry Olivia. I'm happy you're better." She stares at me with unwavering eyes. They don't look happy to see me but she doesn't look mad either.

"Okay. But I still wanted to apologize for the way I handled the situation." I watch for her reaction but she doesn't show any. I wonder if she has just heard my apology too many times to reaction. I think I apologized to her every other sentence in my brief conversations with the answering machine.

"It's fine." To my surprise she smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes, then she really surprises me by taking my hand in hers. "As long as you are better we are all fine."

I wonder how much of a lie that is.

I step to the side letting her get the peanut butter out.

She begins to make the sandwiches in silence.

"I know you said everything was fine but I wanted to talk to you anyway about all of it. Even if you are not upset I want you to know how sorry I am and…and why I did what I did, even though I know there is not excuse for it." Natalia hands me a sandwich. "Thank you."

"Um, that's fine. It's just going to be a busy next couple of days, but I think we can make time for that." She licks the rest of the peanut butter off the spoon before starting to put everything away.

"I'm going to go put some things away and then maybe we could sit down." I look at her she packs the sandwich in Emma's lunch box.

"Actually I told my mother I would bring the kids by. They are going to be spending at few days with her. Then I have to be at the shelter for some new arrivals, after that we'll see." She looks back up at me; her eyes are not longer unreadable. They are full of pity, confusion and disappointment.

"Okay." I turn away from her before I lose my bite of food.

She's disappointed in me. Of course she is I'm disappointed in myself. I disappointed her and our children. I let my weaknesses shine through day after day in front of her. I let Lily pin me to a bed, not once but twice. TWICE. She got the best of me and what did I do. I cried. I cried and took it out on those closest to me.

I shake my head trying to stay in the present but the flashes of picture and slow motion video behind my eye unedited.

I blink my eyes in an effort to cut off the images but I can't stop my brain from working overtime.

When they finally leave I realize I'm sitting on the steps of our house, weakness leaking out of my eyes. I take a deep breathe feeling like I'm underwater. I count to ten then backwards. I count again trying to find my bearings.

I need to be stronger than this.

Crying for god sakes. I thought I had gained better control over these emotional breakdowns. How am I supposed to prove to Natalia how strong I am if this keeps happening? I can't cry in front of her, she has too many things to take of as it is. I left her to take care of Rafe and Emma by herself because of my shortfalls, no more. No more. I feel almost relieved that on the few times I did try to tell her what happen I didn't.

I wipe my eye catching my breath at the same time.

"Mommy?"

I jump at Emma's voice. "Oh god jellybean." I clutch my chest holding my head down long enough to clear my face of the rest of my tears. "You scared me."

"What's wrong?" Emma's fingers wind themselves in the ends of my hair.

"Oh nothing baby. Mommy is just resting from her long trip; jet lag."

"Me and Susie" Emma holds up a new rag doll with red freckles and black hair. "We just got up from our nap."

"Mm, that's good. I hope you and Susie have good time at your grandma's." I try to end the conversation with my daughter, but she is a child so she doesn't get how these things go yet, she sits down sitting Susie between us.

"I have fun but Susie doesn't."

"Why?"

"Grandma's cat, Yummy, keeps trying to bit her."

"Bite." I correct her sentence.

"I tell her all the time to come with me but she wants to sit on the couch and watch SpongeBob. I told her Ma said the TV will make her blind but she doesn't listen." Emma scolds the silent doll. "Then when grandma says no cookies she gets them anyway."

My imaginative thieving little girl looks quite content. I miss her a lot. A month without talking to her because Natalia wouldn't answer the phone no matter what number I called, I got voice mail.

"I missed you baby." I put my arms around her small shoulders.

"I miss you too. And Susie. And Ma."

I know it's wrong to involve her. "And how do you know?" I pull her into my lap looking her in the eyes.

"She cried a lot, but Danny came and made her smile."

My stomach lurches at the name. Someone was here taking my place. "Danny?"

"Yep, grandma says he can make her happy again and that Rafe's looks like him." Emma looks at me not realizing the bombshell she just dropped. She fingers my hair again.

"Was he around a lot?" I hold on tighter to Emma preparing myself for her answer.

Emma looks behind her and then behind me. "I'm not posed to tell but he kissed her on the mouth, like you and Ma. And then, and then he said I can wait. Cause Ma said she can't. And then she said it again. Then he said, he said we can be friend. But Susie doesn't like Danny because his favorite color is yellow. She only likes red."

With an easy that surprises even me I digest the story. So Natalia kissed someone else, I probably did worse. Can I deal with that? No…yes I can deal with that. Who knows what she was thinking, he might have surprised her. And even if he didn't I deserve that, I haven't been the best spouse in the world but I can change that.

If this Danny wants my wife he'll have to fight me for her. I can make her happy too, I just need time.

"Rafe, Emma, lets go!"

"Have a good time baby." Emma gets up trekking the rest of the steps.

Rafe comes down the steps hugging the banister.

"Rafe?" I call his name as he tries to pass.

"Yes?" He looks at me uncomfortably.

"It's good to see you, I missed you."

The silence lingers for a few seconds. "I missed you too." It sounds forced but I will take it.

"I'm sorry I missed your camp. But I want to make it up to you. You just name the place and time and I'll be there." I stand up patting his shoulder. "Maybe we could do something tomorrow?"

He shrugs his shoulder in a typical teenage style before leaving for the kitchen.

I stand on the stairs until I hear the door close.

It's going to be a long road but I am prepared for it. I have to be to get my family back.

**Natalia**

"So how is she?" I ask my mother as she comes back in the living room. I fold my leg under me on the couch preparing for a long night.

"When she finally stopped talking she drifted off." She walks past the couch and into the kitchen. "You want some coffee?"

"Oh I shouldn't, I've been on coffee none stop all day. I need to cut down on my caffeine." My leg began to go numb in seconds. I pull my legs up to my chest massaging my tingly toes.

My mother sits beside without her coffee. She stares at me out the side of her eyes her hands twitching in her lap.

"I guess Emma told you Olivia came home today."

"She did." She turns towards me laying her hand on my arm. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders. "She wants to talk."

"It wasn't your fault honey."

"How do you know? I should have seen the signs, you even tried to tell me and I blew up at you and you were right. Everyone was right and I was once again too blind to see it until it was too late." I push my leg out letting my toes brush the shag carpet on the floor. "I should have seen it and I should have done something."

"You tried."

"But did I try hard enough. Did I really do everything I could? I don't think I did. And that makes me mad. I don't know who I'm angrier with, myself or her."

Silence fall over the room both of us caught at the crossroads. I know how she feels about the situation. I don't know if I feel the same.

"What time is it?"

"It's midnight. You could stay here. Emma is sleep anyhow."

"No I shouldn't. I can't run from my own home."

"I really wish you would reconsider." She pats my shoulder, her eyes full of pity and understanding.

"I should want to go home, right?"

"These kinds of relationships can be hard on a woman and you've been through this before I hate to see you struggle with it again."

I feel like another ton of bricks have been settled on my shoulders. Am I in an abusive relationship with Olivia? I can't be. Could I?

I promised I would never put Rafe and Emma through that again and yet here I am hiding from Olivia. I'm scared of Olivia. I am, this whole thing has thrown our marriage off balance. What I thought was true has turned out to be a lie. The person I thought I loved disappeared replaced with a cruel and callous woman. That woman that seems to pop up every few months but this time it took longer.

Sure the honeymoon phases last longer but in the end it always ends up like this. Olivia gets high or drunk and I feel like I'm the one who suffers.

Or maybe it's just me being self-centered, but what else could it be. She really scared me this time. The thing she said are still engrained on my tattered heart. I can still hear her words. _Everything was a lie._

Olivia never hit me but abuse isn't always physical. Is she doing this on purpose to scare me or was it truly a simple relapse with nothing behind it. There has to be more. She was doing so well then the drinking started.

Was it my fault for not catching it in time or did I put too much pressure on her.

I thought she wanted to do all those things. I thought she wanted to spend time with the children after school. I didn't think she minded if I stayed at the safe house late or that I let her cook breakfast.

Maybe I was too happy to realize she wasn't. Why wouldn't she say something if it was too much I would have helped.

Or maybe it's not me maybe this is who Olivia is; maybe she will just relapse every year. Maybe she doesn't want to be clean. Maybe she is only clean to please me but how long can that last. She has to want to get better.

I wonder if she really meant all those things. The drugs just lowered her filter and everything she really felt came flowing out.

Does she really love me or just the thought of having a family? What if she relapses again with Rafe and Emma here? I can't put them through that, not after what Rafe went through with Nicky.

"Please don't ignore the signs. I don't think I could stand to watch you suffer again." My mother wipes a tear from her face.

"I know. I'm going to get Emma and go home." I've have been through this before and I know how to maintain it. If I hadn't have pushed Olivia she wouldn't have relapsed and she wouldn't have said those things whether she meant them or not.

"Let her stay."

I nod. She should stay her I can't use my own child as a buffer.

As much as I prayed and hoped on the way home, Olivia was still there when I arrived. I don't know where I expected her to be at one in the morning but I was hoping she would be there instead of here. As soon as I make it up the stairs I here the shower running from our bedroom, a room that I have spent as little time as possible in. While she was away I took to sleeping with Emma or on the couch.

I hate that room.

I force myself to walk to the door of our room. Its wide open, all the lights in our room are on, including 2 extra lamps that were not here when I left.

The door to the bathroom is closed and steam is escaping into the main room. Olivia's clothes, sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt are thrown haphazardly in the corner of the room.

I travel to her side of the bed; it's soaked in what is probably sweat.

She must have had another of her nightmares. I wonder what mood she will be in, happy, depressed, or angry.

I throw the pillows onto the floor and removed the soaked sheets. I lay a large towel over her side just incase any moisture decides to try to soak through. It only takes me a couple of minutes to change the sheets and comforter.

I walk into my closet deciding to go to bed. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep which I know will be tough with my brain refusing to stop asking me questions.

I lay down in case I need to fake sleep so she won't start with anything heavy tonight. We need to talk but now is not the time. The wounds are too fresh.

I lay there for another 10 minutes, she's still in the shower. My heart constrict as I try to fight my way into sleep. I need to at least make sure everything is okay. As fast as my feet will carry me I run to the door of the bathroom trying the door but it's locked.

I'm being silly. Don't panic, don't panic. Calm down. Calm down.

I flex my hand a couple of time trying to calm my nerves enough to knock instead of beat on the door. "Olivia?" I knock on the door putting my ear to the wood to listen for sound.

The shower cuts off and I let out a breath I had probably been holding since walking into the room.

I step away from the door feeling more that embarrassed.

I sit down on my side of the bed reciting any verse I could remember to calm myself down to a normal heart rate. That is why I hate this room. It reminds me too much of that day and everything I could have lost forever and so much more that I had already lost.

I hear Olivia moving around in the bathroom.

Instead of just waiting I decide to turn some of the lights off, all except the lap on her nightstand.

I lie down but sit back up. If I am up she might think I have been waiting on her, which I am but not to talk. I just want to make sure she is okay.

If I lay down she might feel rejected but at least she won't be tempt to try to talk. Forget it, I'll sit up and when she comes out I'll be polite and decline to talk. I just need to make sure she is okay, as much as she can be.

A few minute of listening to my inter-dialogue the door to the bathroom open but just a crack. Olivia peeps out of the crack before opening the door all the way. She turns the light off and watches me as she walks around the bed to her side.

"Hi." I lean back into the headboard trying to look relaxed. She looks too thin, but I like her hair. I don't know why I didn't really notice it earlier. It's different but I like it.

"Hi." Olivia responds but looks at the bed covering noticing the new sheets. "Thank you."

"Another nightmare?" This is not part of the plan. I don't why I am asking her questions.

She sits down on the side of the bed still looking at the bedding. "Yea, a bad one." Her voice shakes as she talks but her shoulders shake even more.

I take her in. Her mouth is pulled down into a frown. The vein around her eye is prevalent only showing up when she is stressed. She wearing another long sleeve shirt and sweatpants both black on color. Her posture is slumped like she is second from falling forward.

I want to ask what's wrong but I already know. "Are you alright?"

She nods her head.

It's going to be hard on both of us to try to get back into some sort of normalcy, I won't even pretend to know what she is actually going through but I won't excuse it.

I don't want to think about it right now, I'm tired and sleepy.

"Goodnight." I slide down under the cover rolling away from her.

I can see her reflection in the window as she continues to sit.

She looks down at me a few times before finally sliding under the cover herself.

"Are you going to cut the light off?"

I feel the comforter pull slightly as she brings it up to her chin. "I was." Her voice is tight and snippy.

I've already pissed her off. That's what I get for asking questions.

I wait wondering how long she is going to leave it on. The clock ticks away, finally she turns the light off.

I lay there waiting and after an hour I hear her breathing evens out.

I roll over towards her watching her sleep. She's sleeping on her stomach which is weird. She hardly sleeps on her stomach. It's hard to cuddle with someone sleeping on their stomach.

A lot of things will have changed.

Who would have thought we would be sleeping in the same bed on her first night back. I didn't, I wonder if she did, probably no after my icy welcoming.

After only a few calm moments Olivia begins to get agitated. She starts to snake around under the covers. The movement behind her eye lids becomes more active. A mix between a groan and a whimper escape her throat.

God only knows how mad I am at her but I can't stand to see her disturbed.

Obviously her recovery has not stopped the dreams. I only know two ways to stop them; one is to wake her up which I don't want to do because I know _we_ will be up all night fighting them off. I don't have the strength or desire to fall back into that routine.

The second way is to hold her and talk to her. Maybe she won't wake up and she will never know. Or I'm being selfish, in reality I want to feel her next to me. I can't even count how many night I wrapped my arms around myself imagining they were hers.

Beside me, while I battle myself, Olivia continues to battle her demons. She rises up almost like a push up. The sweat is pouring off of her again.

"Olivia." I sit up pulling her by her waist back down to the bed.

A strangled cry is release from her lips echoing through the house. "Please no."

"Shh. Come here." I pull her back against me so that we face the same way. I comb the damp hair away from her ear propping myself on my elbow. "No one is going to hurt you. I'll protect you."

She whimpers again but her activity has ceased.

I hold her securely against my body making sure she can feel me as her anchor.

She mumble something resembling a please.

"Shh, baby." I lean down whispering in her ear. When she's like this I like to talk to her it seems to calm her down, hearing my voice. If I'm going to get any rest I need to make sure she can.

I don't know what to talk about now. Then I would have rambled on about how much I loved her and mostly likely did the first time we met. How I couldn't stop thinking about her after the first time we made love. I would go on for hours about how I wouldn't trade my life for the world and how glad I am Nicky was an asshole because I never would have met her.

Now it seems silly so I start where I've been wanting to say since our visit to the hospital.

"You scared me…a lot." I swallow the lump in my throat, vivid flashes of her fighting for her life in our bathroom play across the side of her face. "Yeah, you scared me so bad. But I don't really want to talk about that. Even though I think about it all the time. I think about what would have happened if you had died. I don't know if I would have made it myself. Then I think about having to tell Rafe and Emma. I don't know if Emma will understand. I know she is smart but I don't think a three year old can fully grasp the meaning of death."

Olivia lays limp beside me, her breathing almost back to normal.

"I don't think anyone can fully grasp death. They know how it feels to lose someone but can anyone fully grasp what it is like to die. I think I almost did. In the back of that ambulance, I think I died a little. Nothing feels the same or tastes the same. I tried to cook that meat on a stick thing you like so much and I couldn't taste them. Rafe said they we too salty but I couldn't taste the salt. Everything is just food now something to keep me alive but I feel like a piece of me has died." I roll a wet string of her hair through my fingers. "Maybe it just left with you and now that your back it should return, right? I hope it does."

"I'm sorry I acted so cold towards you today. I really was excited to see you, and then I saw you kiss Doris and I remembered you left me to be with her. Not really but kind of. You trust her more that you trust me and that makes me distrust you. I bet if she believed in monogamy you two would be a great couple."

Olivia rolls over throwing her arm around my midsection.

"Do you not agree?" I laugh at myself. Of course she wouldn't she would swear there would be something else standing in their ways and that _we _are perfect together.

"I do love you; you and I both know that. I always will but you have to understand that I have to protect my heart and our children, even if it is from you." I slide down to the mattress kissing Olivia clammy forehead. "Forgive me if you don't like the way things are. If you remember a word a say tonight just remember I love you with all my heart and soul but I can't let you in again." I hug her tighter; our bodies still meld together perfectly. "I'll be your wife as long as you'll have me but I won't let you take this family down with you."

**OLIVIA**

I sit across from Dr. John Baker, his office is similar to Lindsey's except he has more bookshelves lined with 1st edition novels.

After two sessions I have gotten into a rhythm. I read the title to every book on one shelf then I focus on how John got such a gorgeous head of hair in his mid fifties. He has to have a stylist or just spends a shit load of money on products.

I wait for him to tap his pen again trying to get my attention and right on time he does. His right leg begins to bounce. "I thought you wanted to make this quick."  
"I do." I shrug my shoulders going back to the bookshelves.

"You have to talk for that to happen." He looks at his watch for the fifth time in an hour then begins to tap his pen against his lips.

I sink back into the comfort of the leather couch. I would like to make this easy I just don't want to talk about it anymore.

Besides coming here two hours three times a week, I attend a women's victim groups three times a week. I'm tired of talking and listening to the same thing I heard in college or after college, I'm tired.

"So I guess I'll start." He crosses his legs readying his pen and paper for notes. "Why do you think you let everything get so far out of hand?"

"I don't know." I don't know why he asks me this question. Before I even agreed to meet with him I told him my story from childhood to now and yet every time I come here he asks me this question.

"I want to know about before the drug relapse? We've…well I've talked about it. Now I want to know why you started drink."

I sit up trying to remember just when I took that first drink. I'm pretty sure it was at the fundraiser. What was I thinking?

"Can you at least tell me a little more about the night before?"

"Why so you can have a mental image when I leave." I snap back instantly flinching. I don't know why I keep snapping at him. I have to learn to control my temper better.

"Let's not get defensive so fast."

"Sorry." I focus back on his perfect head of hair. Not one gray can be seen, not even one strand out of place.

I stretch out on the couch propping my feet up on the arm.

"Let's start again, the night before."

I close my eyes trying to fight of the images of that night. "I felt dirty." What I must have looked like bent over the back of that couch, grinding on that pole, begging Natalia for sex. It's no wonder they chose me.

"Why did it make you feel dirty?"

"I don't know. Because it was out of my comfort zone but I wanted it. I don't know why but I did." I roll over on the couch planting my face in the cushion which I am sure a hundred people have sat on. "I think the irritating thing was I liked it. I shouldn't have."

"And why would you think that?"

"I just shouldn't, those are the types of things…"

"What?"

I close my eyes finally letting the movie play. "Things." These are the images that invade my dream but morphing into something that wakes me in the middle of the night screaming.

"I'm going to finish that thought for you and correct me if I'm wrong."

I roll back on my back trying to sink in deeper.

"If you liked that there would be no telling what else you might like. Maybe you would like to be tied up; who knows maybe somewhere inside of you…you enjoyed what they did."

I sit up quick I get dizzy. "I didn't."

"Didn't you?"

"No I would give anything to redo those nights." I yell kicking the small coffee table between us over.

"But you can't." He doesn't even flinch at the over turned table.

"You don't think I know that."

"So how about instead of trying to bury them you face them."

"Because they hurt too much!" I sit back drained from the small outburst.

"Let me tell you something you've probably heard before. You'll never get out of the fire if you don't walk through it. If you don't face these things they'll keep coming up to ruin everything you worked for, your family, friends, sobriety, and your business." Satisfaction is written all over his face.

Smug little prick is right.

Punishment that is what it has felt like since I returned to this state, city, hell even my own house. It's been two weeks since I returned and Natalia and I still haven't held a conversation for more than two minutes. A person I spent damn near 24 hours with on a daily bases, not that long ago, can't even stand to be in a room with me for more than 5 minutes.

I know I messed up. I know I might have said some hurtful words and done some stupid things just because.

I know that's what she thinks, that I just did it for nothing, or maybe because Rodney showed up or because I was feeling trapped in her dream family. It's not like I have giving her any reason to think otherwise. Partly my fault, but it's hard to talk to someone who is always moving.

And I know she has a lot of responsibly other than us. Emma and Rafe are trying to enjoy the last of their summer vacation.

More women are coming and going from the shelter, she has to be on her toes.

Still it hurts to know that I'm at the bottom of her priority list.

I deserve this.

I feel like if I could just talk to her and tell her what happened than maybe just maybe we could start to get back on track or at the very least come to a mutual understanding of why.

I can't even get that. Not matter how hard I try she won't sit down and talk to me. She's avoiding the conversation that so desperately needs to be said. I just don't know why. I told her she could unload on me. I told her I deserve every vile word she can come up with. But nothing.

If any thing after we talk she might feel better. At least then we'll know if it's too late or if we can somehow pull ourselves back to each other and try for the sake of love.

Silence hurts more than any slap or word could.

And now this Danny character has entered the picture. Asshole wouldn't stop calling her and what's even more nerve rattling is she won't stop answering even in the middle of the night.

He gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner and what do I get the cold shoulder.

Natalia won't hug me; I can't even get a goodbye wave. I expected that, she wasn't even at the airport to pick us up. And that hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much from her. I know I have to be the one to make the first step, its just she's cutting me of at the knees with every stride.

She spends most of her time at her mother's, the shelter, or with Blake and Lindsey. I've caught a few angry glares from people but nothing like her mother. I bet her and Danny say that I don't care, that I didn't think of her, but God knows how wrong they are.

I needed time to fix my life. Now I just need to know that if I close my eyes she will be there, she's not.

The nights are the hardest. The queen sized bed feels like a king when she finally slips into bed sleeping on the edge. I can hardly sleep because all I can think about is her, just holding her.

Even with the sleeping pills I'm lucky if I get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep with or without her there.

If I could stop the dreams I could sleep and be more alert during the day. I would have more energy to fight for her attention.

But I know I can't because it was my fault all this happened. I know I can make it right if I could just have a second with her alone with out the interruption of the kids, Danny, or her mother. I can make this right.

Natalia walks into the room pausing at the threshold. She didn't know I was in here and I can see the thoughts of turning and leaving swirl around her head. To my surprise she doesn't. Instead she takes a seat at the vanity with her computer and notebook.

Wow, so all I have to do is think and it will come true. I guess I better jump on this rare moment of us alone.

I sit up straighter in the middle of the bed. "Hey, you need some help?"

She's been working on a speech she is supposed to give at a women's conference. I know she has been struggling to concentrate with me around. I want to show her how supportive I am and how we can still click.

"No." She shakes her head twirling her pencil in her hand.

"You sure baby, I mean I could whip us up some snacks and we could work on it." And by it I mean us.

"Yep." She types loudly on the keyboard.

I flop back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Her phone rings that stupid 'Take ME Out to The Ball Game' song. I already know who it is. It's Danny. In my head I can't help but spit on his name. Oh yes Danny the saint waltz into town while I was trying to get clean and sweeps up the mess.

Danny was Natalia first love, her first real kiss and her first lover. He calls every day, 'just to check on her'. Like I don't know what he is playing at. I used to be the queen of these types of games.

Natalia might be fooled but I'm not. He just happens to advocate for abused women organizations. Nope I don't think that's a coincident at all.

It irks me so much how she can blow me off whenever he calls. Like last week when we were supposed to have lunch, 'I can't make it Olivia. Danny and I are looking up some more grants that the House could get.' Danny can get this or that for the House. What about me? I have money he doesn't. She wouldn't need grants or any money from anyone else if she let me give it to her.

As much as it hurts to say it I think she is fond of him too. I can see it in the glow in her eyes when she talks to him. It's probably there when she hugs him too. But I wouldn't know because he can never come over for dinner or meet us for lunch.

I feel like I'm in this by myself. I can hardly get a moment of her time without him needing her. I've been trying my best to keep the thoughts of her possible infidelity out of my head, but everyday they grow stronger and stronger flying by my eyes uninvited.

Natalia picks up her phone, sighing, probably at me instead of him interrupting her writing.

"Hi Danny." She pauses. "No you didn't interrupt anything."

Now it's my turn to sigh.

I see her shake her head out the corner of my eye. I just pretend not to notice.

"That would be great." Natalia gets up from her seat at the vanity, taking her computer with her. "I just email the next draft to you."

I sit up watching her walk out our room. My heart clenches and explodes sending it angry bits to the corners of my body. I guess sometime in the near future this is going to be a problem, but not now. I am determined to be the perfect wife. I'm going to be supportive even if she is cheating on me.

Before I relapsed I was the perfect wife and I can be again. I'll pick the kids up from school and come home to fix their snack then sometimes started dinner. I knew Natalia was busy with the shelter so I took up any slack again. Even the chores I never used to do; picking up dry cleaning, washing dishes, even picking up after myself and the kids. It felt good for the first few months. It was something to occupy my time. Then the pack came into town and the other thing that happened, it all just came crashing down. I am determined to rebuild it for her even if I do it by myself.

"Hi, Mommy!" Emma skips into the room, jumping onto the bed.

"Hey baby girl, how's life."

She shrugs her shoulders. "Who was that?" She points out the door.

"Danny." I try to keep the disgust out of my voice.

"Danny!" She jumps off the bed sprinting for the door.

"Wait!" She skids to a halt at the door. "Where are you going?" I haven't been able to get anymore info out of her since our talk on the steps; I think she might be jumping ship too.

"Patsy wants to talk to him." Emma double-dutches over the threshold holding up a new doll. "He played doll house with me."

My face must have fallen and so does hers. She must have realized she hurt my feelings.

She really didn't, it's just the thought they were replacing me without even telling me. I bet Natalia wasn't even going to tell me he was in my house, was he in our bed?

Emma climbs back onto the bed throwing her arms around my neck. "I still love you better. You're smarterer than he is."

That brings a smile to my face. At least someone still likes me over Saint Danny.

"The funny things is I've never has a nightmare about Lily just David."

"It could be because you rationalized the assault with Lily." John counters.

"I shouldn't have said yes."

"I think you've somehow convinced yourself it was consensual."

"I shouldn't have said yes." I repeat. Most people don't here me when I say it the first time.

"Okay let's talk about Natalia."

Even thought we are going through a very very rough patch I can't help but smile at just the mention of her name. "She's patient."

"How so?"

"She hasn't made a move yet, you know trying to give me some space." I'm lying and I think he know it. Still it's better to lie to myself then accept that fact that she just doesn't want me near her.

"It's good that you're both on the same page."

I frown at his comment. I doubt she is living a lie the way I am. "But we aren't."

"I was wondering when you would admit it. Have you two talked yet?"

"No."

"Do you want space?" John's eyebrow rise in anticipation of another lie.

"I do but not from her. I get confused sometimes because I don't want to have sex, but I want to feel close to her. I want her to want to have sex with me." I can hardly explain it to myself. It's a yes no thing going on in my head. I want her close but not too close. I want her to want me but I don't want her to show it. "I think of what Lily must have told her. Sometimes she looks at me with this look."

"Like what?"

"I can't describe it but I don't like it. Like she sees something she doesn't want to be around. She doesn't want to be around me. That's scares me the most, that she'll find out and that look will be more prevalent, like she'll see me for who I am."

"Who are you?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders.

"Do you see what you are doing?"

"Thinking too much." It's giving me a headache.

"No you are making it impossible for her to win. You want space but you don't. You want her to want to have sex with you but you don't want to have sex. Have you ever looked at it from her view?"

"Yes."

"Well you should know she's probably confused. The last time she saw you, you were Dr. Jyckle and Mr. Hyde. Now you're back she doesn't know what to expect and I have to say it but for a woman who has been through an abusive marriage it must be scary to fine herself in another."  
"What! I never once laid a hand on Natalia?" I almost jump off the couch.

"You didn't have to your words said it all."

"You think I'm abusing Natalia?" I wonder if she thinks the same thing. What if she does? What if she really is scared of me?

"No I didn't say that, what I want you to take out of this session is that your wife might be confused. You were on edge the last time she saw you. You might have said some things that might have hurt and that might have taken her back to her first marriage. What you need to do now is show her that you are better. That you have stabilized."

"I'm trying." I really have been trying.

"Listen to me Olivia. You are creating a no win situation for her and you because you can't stay out of your head. You have to make your intentions clear everyday day and let her see and know."

**LINDSEY**

"Did Olivia tell you about her recovery? Natalia are you even listening to me." I wave in front of her face.

"No." She starts to pick at the pasta like she has done for the last two weeks.

"What's the matter, you have been zoning in and out all day." I let my fork fall to the plate with a loud clink and sit back in my chair. "If I am boring you…"

"No, I'm sorry. It's this proposal. I can't write it and its frustrating me." Natalia takes a sip of water looking at me guiltily over the rim.

I don't know why she even bothers trying to lie to me. I know everything there is to know about her. I know how she thinks and what her next move is going to be. That's why I can always beat her in any board game, because I can navigate around her next move. As much as she has changed she's still that Natalia from a few years ago. When she's backed in a corner she hides waiting for the threat to disappear. That is exactly what is frustrating me. Instead of dealing her problem she hiding pretending everything is okay.

"So how are you and Olivia?" I still remember the day Natalia stumbled into my office hysterical over Olivia's fantasy. That little episode could have started this whole thing. I wish I could tell her about Lily but I can't.

"I don't know." She mirrors my relaxed position even though she is far from relaxed. "I guess everything is fine between us." She leans forward resting her elbows on the table. She rests her chin on her folded hands, like she creating a barrier around her body. "I've been so busy-"

More like avoiding.

"I haven't even thought about it."

"You're lying to a trained professional. You want to try again."

"No, I don't want to talk about it." She raises her hand for the check. "You're my friend not my therapist. So I would appreciate it you respected my boundaries."

I simply nod. She's right but that doesn't stop me from seeing what is happening and how blind she is to it.

I watch her fiddle around with the contents of her purse. "Stop looking at me like that."

"I'm just…looking" I shrug my shoulders taking a sip of my water nonchalantly.

Natalia's face suddenly brightens and she smiles.

I turn around expecting to see Olivia but instead it's Danny. He waves to her from the door.

"I have to go." She stands up straightening her shirt. "I'll get the next check."

"Natalia do you think this is the way to go?" I put my hand on her arms stopping her from fleeing.

"Not you too; first Blake and now you." She huffs pulling out of my grasp. "He is just an friend, am I not allowed to have friends."

"You have friends."

She frowns at me, like she trying to think of who I might be talking about.

"Excuse me." She turns and leaves.

Danny reaches his hand out to her and she takes it, looking back at with gloomy eyes.

If Olivia ever caught whiff of what is going on Danny might want to run for the hill before he end up in a grave beside her former rivals.

But not this Olivia. This Olivia has become a doormat patiently waiting. This Olivia and Natalia are never going to find what they lost for whatever reason.

**NATALIA**

"Hey. I thought we could go out tonight for milkshakes like we used to and I promise to have you home by 8." Danny flashes his signature smile, the smile that used to make my knees weak.

"I can't. Olivia is cooking. I promised to be home by 6."

"I thought you said she wasn't a good cook." He cocks his head to the side studying me.

I wonder if I look old to him, or just older. Self consciously I relax my face, just in case there are wrinkles. "She has her strong suits."

"Well if we leave now I'll drop you off myself safe and sound." I try to protest again but he cuts me off. "I promise not to let you spoil your appetite."

We sit in the booth across from each other. I look down at my watch for the hundredth time. It's 7 o'clock.

The hours have passed and they haven't been the fastest hours of my life. I wish they were, that way I wouldn't feel so guilty for purposely missing dinner.

Besides that Emma is with my mother and Rafe is sleeping over at Lindsey's with Brittany. All I have to do is go home and do nothing. There will be nothing for me to excuse myself away from her. We won't have any spying little ears. I just really don't want to go home.

There is too much swept under the rug, too much emotion to push out without fighting and I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to feel her looking at me while I pretend to sleep. I don't want her reaching for me in her sleep and I don't want to hold her while she runs from her demons in her sleep.

But I do. I love to hold Olivia whether she knows it or not, I can't help myself. Hours upon hours I keep my eyes closed until I hear her breathing even out and still I hold out until there is no way she can still be awake in the morning hours.

Some nights I can't wait, I slip out of bed even when I know she is still awake. I can't lie next to her and not want to hold her or snuggle beside and pretend like everything is okay. So I get up and do something, anything. Last night I got up and polished the entire collection of silver in the house. I finished around 3 this morning and when I got up stair there she was struggling in the covers. She had tangled herself in them.

I couldn't, can't leave her to suffer that much. I got into our bed and wrapped her in my arms and she calmed immediately. She sighed contently curling herself in my arms and I laid there talking to her until the sun began to rise.

It feels good to have a moment of peace, a moment of just us without a hundred different problems pulling us in a hundred different directions. I loved her with everything I had but I had to let go. I had to. So before she wakes up I leave. I gather the kids and everything I need for the day and leave her to wake up alone, because I'm a coward.

"Earth to Nat." Danny waves his spoon in my face.

"Sorry." I try to laugh it off but the feeling of holding Olivia warms my body to the point I wish I had finished my shake.

"No it's okay." Danny smacks his lip sitting back in his seat. "I'm worried about you. Ever since she came back you've been spaced out, really quiet."

"I know there are just so many things going on its hard to concentrate."

"Like I said its okay, but I want you to know you always have a friend in me. No matter what happens. If you need shoulder to lean on or a friend to bar hop with, you can call me."

"I know, thank you." I try to smile because his not really my friend. Friends don't kiss. Friends don't say 'I love you' not they way he meant it. And friends don't feel torn.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He moves to my side of the table throwing his arm across the back of the booth.

I scoot over putting a little room between us. "Nothing's wrong. There are just a lot of things to talk about it's hard to know where to start."

"Start with me." Danny intertwines my hand with his on the table.

I look at our hand and I admit it feels good. With him it would be so uncomplicated. "I don't want to go home." I say bluntly. "I don't want to go home because Olivia is waiting for us to talk and I don't want to talk because I know I will agree with whatever she says and I don't want to. I don't want to forgive her so easily. I want to be mad."

"You deserve to be mad." He agrees squeezing my fingers.

"I do and I feel like every one is looking at me to just take her back and forget what happened." I look at our hands and notice the outline of my ring. I haven't worn it in weeks, no one has seemed to notice besides Blake and Rafe.  
"Forgive but not forget that's what I say."

"You think I should forgive her?" I look up at him and his hazel eyes. Nicky would have loved this. He would swear Rafe was Danny's.

"No I think you should take as much time as you need to yourself. You should think about it and if you come the conclusion that things will never be how you want you shouldn't trap yourself in a dangerous relationship."

"Dangerous?" There it is again.

"Yea, you said she was unpredictable and that can turn into violence very quickly."

I pull my hand out of his, placing both in my lap. He's right. Nicky was unpredictable that's what I liked about him. Olivia is unpredictable and I like that but when does it become irresponsible and dangerous.

"The way I see it is if she is going to relapse every other year there is going to come a time when you have to think about Rafe and Emma, they aren't always going to be away. What kind of examples is she setting for them. I'll tell you, that they can do anything with no real consequences." Danny shifts closer to me. "You could have stayed with Nicky if you wanted to be abused, maybe no physically but emotional. She has you on this string."

"I don't know. I want to be with Olivia but she keeps so many secrets and then this. She scared me so much and I tried to help her." I tuck my foot under me laying my knee on his thigh. Automatically his hand rubs it but I don't think he even notices the gesture.

Still he action creates a little friction. I'm not turned on per se but I like it. "I guess I don't know what I want. I want her but I don't want this." I sigh, knowing I sound so selfish. "I don't want to be selfish but that's what I want. I want to be happy again. All we'll do is argue when I don't want to. These things will just come out of my mouth at her and I know it's to hurt her like she hurt me. But I don't want to hurt her."

"It's not selfish to think about yourself sometime. You're always taking care of other people."

"I know." It's still selfishness and that has no place in a marriage. "I know if I let her apologize I my will will break and I'll just start the cycle all over again. I think I need more time to work out what I want to say about how she made me feel."

"You know you can always stay in my guest room, it would be an honor to have you." His hand moves just an inch high.

I put my foot down. "No, I should go home. It's already dark outside."

"I'll give you a ride."

As soon as we pull up I see Olivia sitting on the porch steps sips out of a mug.

"You gonna be okay?" Danny looks out the window at Olivia.

"Yes, thank you for the ride." I step out of the car mentally preparing myself for a fight. A least she doesn't seem mad.

I stay rooted until Danny pulls off onto the main road back to town. After a few deep breaths I walk up to the steps wondering if I should sit down or keep going.

Olivia seems to be staring at something off in the distance, not really paying attention to me, so I decide to keep going.

She startles me grabbing my hand and pressing her lips to the back of it. I let my hand slip out of hers like dead weight.

I feel stuck on the steps watching her gaze onto the liquid.

A large lump forms in my throat. I was prepared for the guilt but the magnitude is not expected. I should have come home.

"I missed you tonight." She talks without looking from her cup.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't worry." She interrupts me, probably knowing I'm about to lie. "If you're still hungry there is still food on the table. After cooking I kind of lost my appetite." She stands up stretching.

I thought she was going to lead me inside but instead she leans against the post taking another sip of her drink.

I force myself to start moving again. I leave her on the porch walking through the living room and into the kitchen. The room is dim with two melted candles in the middle of the table. She even pulled out the good table cloth. It looks like she cooked a five course meal.

I look out the door that I left open wondering if she will forgive me or if I even want her to forgive me.

I'm not even hungry after those milkshakes but I want to eat the food just to try to make it up to her.

Instead I head upstairs and quickly take a shower.

Every five minutes I look at the clock wondering if I should go to her or if she will come to me. Not long after she comes in, her shoulders are lower than I have ever seen them.

She sits on her side of the bed pulling off her earrings and her watch.

We sit in silence on our side of the bed miles apart.

"I sort of knew you wouldn't show."

The accusation hurts but it only helps in building my walls back up. "I said I was sorry."

"I heard you." Her voice doesn't sound as angry as I expected, just sad.

We stay silent for more minutes.

"I don't get it." She huffs.

"Get what?" I try to keep the anger out of my voice, I don't want to fight. I thought I was ready but I'm not.

"I don't know. Do you even care that I came back?"

"What did you expect Olivia?" I stand up off the bed. "A parade, a party, or for me to be waiting by the window."

She smirks up at me. "What did I expect?" She asks herself sarcastically. "I expected to have a little support. I didn't expect you to ignore me. I did my best."

"Your best?" I have to laugh at the absurdity of the statement. "That was your best?"

"Yes I did my best Natalia." She stands up.

"You did your best to lie to me to make me feel like a fool defending you against everyone. You never once stopped and really tried your best Olivia. If you did you would have told me what the problem was so I could help. Instead you got drunk behind my back, you got high the second I was away and you slept with god knows how many women while I was worried sick looking for you!"

"Don't fucking yell at me!" There it is. "I had been doing my best, to make sure everyone was happy, to make sure I was there for you, to give you space, to give you everything you wanted." She walks to the window turning her back to it pointing accusingly at me. "You were so busy I had to do it on my own!"

"So what is it my fault you relapsed? My fault you decided to drink and get high, is that what you are saying?"

"No, but there were a lot of things going on and you were busy and you were happy."

"No, Olivia I wasn't happy!"

She snaps her head back at the revelation.

Finally something to get her attention. "And how dare you say this is my fault for not caring enough. It was all you. You put all of this in motion and now you want to skip the consequences."

"So you're punishing me."

"You're doing it to yourself." I answer back watching her pace.

"No." She shakes her head, waving me off.

"What did you want me to do Olivia, I tried."  
Almost too softly she speaks. "No you didn't."

"Bullshit Olivia!" I scream my throat tightens with unleashed anger. "I don't need this tonight." I walk to the pile of clothes in corner chair. "And it's not just about me Olivia. If you really want to make thing right you need to prove you're clean, blood test, piss test any and every thing. Since I'm not trying you do something."

"Wait, that's not what I meant." She sounds desperate now, just like before.

These are the steps looking back I figured them out. I cracked the code to her mood cycles. Anger, desperation, bargaining, anger, self pity or deprecation, and back to anger.

"You said that already." I stuff my legs through my jeans. I should have just stayed at my mothers.

"Please wait, don't go!" Olivia stands in front of the door preventing me from leaving. "I'm sorry."

"No Olivia I'm not doing this with you tonight. Please move." I take a step back away from her. I swore I wouldn't fight with her and here I am letting her pull me into an argument. I'm not doing this back and forth emotion rollercoaster.

"Natalia you have to believe me."

"I can't. I can't believe a word you say or have ever said." I shake my head knowing exactly where her mind has gone. She has to know I didn't mean it like that. "You said it yourself; everything you said was a lie."

"No I didn't mean that. It the drugs talking, you were keeping them from me, but I never-"

I cut her off. I've heard this song before. "What, meant to hurt me, because you did Olivia the minute you drank, the first line you sniffed, the second you tried to fuck her."

**OLIVIA**

Lily.

"I could have dealt with the drinking, we could have gotten you help for the drugs but then you top it all off by sleeping with those women."

"Women? No it was one." What am I saying? "No I mean I didn't."

"Bullshit Olivia!"

Any other time Natalia cursing would have shocked me but here and now she might be right.

"You don't accidently sleep with another person, you just don't!" Natalia points at me so accusingly I feel about a foot tall. "So don't feed me anymore of your stories. Just tell me the truth."

The truth. I've been to weeks of groups and private therapy and I still haven't figured it all out. I know what people want it to be. I can almost guarantee I know what Natalia thinks it is or wants it to be.

I don't know if what happened that night would be considered sex or even cheating on Natalia. I know I stopped fighting. After that things start to blend with the events of yesteryear.

I bet Lily is laughing about it right now.

Natalia huffs impatiently bring me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know what you want me to say. What, that I wanted it, that I invited her in my bed."

"If that is the truth then yes, because I have to wonder why out of every women in the town you choose her."

I wonder the same thing except why she keeps choosing me.

"Why can't you just admit you did it?"

Because you never said no.

But I did.

**NATALIA **

"I'm sorry. You're right it was my fault. I'm so sorry…It. Was. My. Fault." With every word she takes a tentative step towards me. Her voice quivers until my resolve breaks.

I shake my head mostly at myself for being so weak. All she has to do is cry and I'm breaking every promise I made to myself just seconds ago. "God Olivia why do you keep doing this?"

"I'm sorry." She walks pass me taking a seat on the bed with her face covered by her hands. "That's what they told me but you're right. It was my fault and I get that now. I do." She looks up at me with clear green eyes. "I get that now."

Why do I get the feeling we are having two different conversations.

"Can you stay?" She begs. " I know I don't deserve you or a second chance but…please."

"I'm going to go downstairs and get something to drink and I'll be back."

Disbelief is written all over her face.

I walk out going down stairs. I stand in the middle of the kitchen just standing. I'm not thirsty, I'm not hungry but I needed to get away from her. I need to rebuild my wall that all the nasty words I spoke were locked away until she opened the door or I opened the door. What matters is that I lock them back away before she hears the rest of it.

I stand in the kitchen for almost 20 minutes just pacing and trying to calm myself down. It has helped a little but the thought of having to do this every night is weighing heavily on my back. I can't keep running and we can't keep insulting on another it just isn't how a marriage should work.

I get back up to our room Olivia is in the same spot on the edge of the bed crying into her hands.

She looks up at me, her eye swollen and red. "I'm sorry I really didn't-"

I hold my hand up stopping another apology. "I just want to sleep. I can't with you right now."

She nods her head crawling up the bed and under the covers fully clothed. She doesn't lay down watching me like I was going to make a break for the door as soon as she lies down.

I pull off my jeans cutting off the light and crawl under the covers on my side of the bed.

I sleep almost at the edge of the bed making sure there is no possible way we could even graze each other.

I think I laid there for an hour before I was sure she was sleep. I can't say I'm going to get much sleep. Olivia begins to move as soon as I feel the pull of sleep. Once again I pull her to me and being to talk. I say the things I can't say to her face, 'I love you'.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NATALIA

_The room is still how I remember it, too much purple and pink. Oh there are the poster of some guy I can't even remember the name of._

_Dad painted this room when I was 12 and it never changed it not until Rafe moved into it._

"_Hey hot stuff."_

"_Danny?" I blink and he appears in front of me, but not the young one. _

"_My mom's working late you want to come over."_

_Before I can answer the room fades and we're there sitting on the couch, eating popcorn._

"_It's my cousins, he let me see it."_

_The screen is zoomed in on a couple having sex. It flashes to the man thick moustache or maybe it was the woman untrimmed pubic hair. _

_The moans and groans of the couple sound like I'm in a tunnel._

"_I need to use the rest room." I get off the couch walking down the hall. I open the rose colored door. There we are on the twin sized bed naked and sweating. I want to scream at myself, what are you doing? But I can't speak, the sight before me has stolen my voice. I shake my head blinking to clear the two phantoms._

_I open my eye and Danny is on top of me. This isn't like the first time. We're both older with children and exs. And I can feel my body react to the simulation. "Yesss" I found my voice!_

"_I love you Nat." I can feel soft, too soft lips on my neck._

"_Danny." I feel my body flowing. I can feel it coming, something inside of me."Danny!"_

I feel my lips moving before I bolt straight up in bed.

Oh my god did I say his name out loud. Hesitantly I look over at Olivia who has a small frown on her face. "Someone was having a good dream."

I try to force a laugh but it sound like a choked cough. My heart is beating too hard, it bound to leap out of its confinement. I clutch at my night shirt, trying to breathe normally.

"Yea something like that." I don't look at her but I hear it in my voice. The need for release.

"What was it?"

I hesitate. I can't tell the truth. "Us." I stare at her to see if she believes me.

She smiles and her eyes glaze over. She pushes my back rolling on top of me. Her hand finds its way between my legs. I realized I'm already wet, can't be from the dream.

"Must have been a good dream." She whispers into my ear before descending down my body.

I don't want to have sex with her. We just fought and now were having sex. It isn't right and my body knows it.

"Olivia, wait." I push her shoulders from in between my legs. She's been doing her best for the last almost 10 minutes trying to bring me to release.

"What's wrong?" She unceremoniously wipes her mouth with her hand.

"I can't. It's not you." I cover before she can offer any suggestion. "It's me I can't concentrate."

I can see the disappointment in her eyes, the questions that circulate as to why she couldn't bring me to orgasm.

It's not her it's me. I can't stop thinking about Danny and what he said to me earlier. Every time I close my eyes I see something appear, an image, but it's not clear. And I think it might be him. And I don't want it to be him. If I came with Olivia thinking about him, it's just like cheating. And it would be worse because it's right in Olivia's face. No pun intended. What kind of person would that make me?

Every time I come close I pull back and not matter how long Olivia stays down there she wouldn't be able to accomplish her goal because I can't do that to her.

"Maybe I can persuade you otherwise." Those luscious lips I've worshiped so many times before latches onto my nipple. But it no use the mood has left me and I can't stand thinking about Danny anymore with Olivia beside me.

"Baby as good as that feels, I'm really not in the mood."

She releases my breast rolling onto her back beside me. "What if… okay. I know we haven't been intimate in a while mainly because of me and I want to thank you for being so patient." Olivia turns towards me running her finger down the valley of my breast. "I truly want to thank you. I love you and I want you to know that I'm ready now, ready to be with you like you want, when you're ready."

I feel like crying now. I'm her wife and I can't even get through sex without thinking about Danny. Just the thought of Olivia touching me used to send my body reeling. I used to be able to come just by her kisses and words. "I'm going to take a shower." I get off the bed.

She catches my hand. "I love you."

I literally bit my tongue to keep from blurting my thoughts. I can't even look at her. I give her hand a light squeeze before retreating to the bathroom.

I lock the door so she can't join me. I need to cry by myself, to think things out. As soon as I step into the warm spray I release the tears of betrayal.

**OLIVIA**

I wake up in the morning and surprisingly Natalia is still there, which has to be a good sign. Maybe it was good that we screamed at each other three days ago, just to get some things in the open that otherwise would still be cutting us up inside.

We haven't talked yet but a week ago I would wake up to an empty bed but now she's here and that is the first step to anything, being there.

I finally have solid plan to get us to open up to each other. It is almost air tight. Tonight and tomorrow night is family night at my recovery group.

It's not much but it is a chance for the family members to gather and discuss their feelings.

Tessa, the counselor said it's good for them to know that they aren't alone and that others have made it through.

I think Rafe and Emma are a little too young but Natalia would benefit from the group therapy. If she can't talk to me alone we can do it in a group.

Group is a strange thing. I've never been stage shy but being in group has developed a nasty habit of talking to complete strangers about my personal life.

It's weird but I'm kind of excited. I have it all planned out, this morning I'm cooking breakfast for everyone; got the eggs whipped, beacon sizzling, sausage on the griddle and waffles in the toaster. We'll sit down as a family for breakfast and finally talk. Then I take Natalia on a special dinner, spend some alone time before we go to the meeting. Then hopefully everything will be put on the table and thing can move forward.

I've missed so much.

I miss having Rafe with me in the morning to help with breakfast, I miss giving Emma piggy back rides and I miss my wife.

I hear them coming down the stairs.

Okay show time.

I already have their plates sitting on the table with fresh squeezed orange juice.

"Ta daaaa." I stand beside the table very proud of myself.

"Mhmm, beacon." Emma skips to her seat instantly pouring gobs of syrup on her pancakes.

"Well come on before the eggs get cold." I turn back to the rest of my family who look less than enthused. It is only then that I realized they are all dress and Natalia has her purse hanging off her shoulder.

Rafe shakes his head, begrudgedly shuffling to his seat.

"What?" I ask Natalia who slowly makes her way into the kitchen. "What am I missing?"

"It's nothing." She says sitting down looking over her plate detached.

I know Rafe will tell me. I sit down at my end. "Hey, superman." I reach out to touch his head but she ducks my hand. It's nothing to panic about yet.

"Don't call me that. I'm not a baby." He pushes the food around the plate seemingly staring through it.

"A baby?" I look at Natalia who shrugs her shoulders. "Okay then talk to me and tell me what's up."

He pushes his plate out from in front of him. "Danny was supposed to take us to Uncle Flappy's."

"The place with the big pancakes? We've been there a thousand times."  
He shrugs his shoulders sitting back in his chair with his arms folded.

"Well how about tomorrow we all go, I guess we can invite Danny to tag along." I try to raise his spirits. Rafe hates that place anyway. Says their pancakes taste like buttered toast.

"No thanks."

Again I look at my wife for support, but nothing. "Well maybe we could go for lunch."

"May I be excused?" He looks at Natalia intentionally ignoring me.

I look at her too to see what she will say or do if anything, lord knows I can't get her to. "Actually Rafe I went through a lot of trouble to make-"

"Sure, make sure you get your bag." Natalia cuts me off.

Rafe jumps up walking out of the kitchen.

"Wow…is that how it's going to be from now on." Such a good day ruined so early.

"Not now Olivia. We have to get going. I'm dropping the kids off at mothers." She dismisses me dropping her fork with a loud clink.

"Your mothers. I thought we agreed they could stay with me today."

"She called while you were out yesterday and wanted to know if she could take them to the zoo today. They are having a free day for grandparents and children." She smiles but not at me, at Emma who is munching like she hasn't eaten in days.

Okay just a minor set back. I mean how often is it that they have a free day, except every third Wednesday of every month.

I take a deep breathe calming myself. There are other things that we need to discuss before she leaves.

"Natalia I wanted to ask you something." God I can feel my heart going 12 rounds with my ribcage. "I mentioned it a couple of days ago if you remember. It's kind of important, not really but I wanted to, I mean it is impor-"

"Olivia, what?" She smiles a beautiful but tired smile. She always does when I babble.

"Tonight at my meeting." I think I'm more nervous than when I proposed. "We're having family night."

Her face drops immediately; her mouth opens to say something I know I'm not going to want to hear.

"It's just I know you probably don't want Rafe and Emma to go but," I look down at my cold eggs and the place where my beacon would have been if Emma hadn't stole it. "I was hoping you could still come. I was thinking…we could drop the kids off at your mothers. They're going be with her anyway. I wanted to surprise you with dinner before we go."

Natalia bites her lip staring at the wall behind me.

"Or not. We don't have to do dinner I know your busy. I really want you it experience what we do and maybe we could talk. I mean I really think this will be very beneficial." I stop catching my breath.

"It's just…" She starts before taking a sip of her orange juice. I hope she says something about how fresh it taste but she gulps it down before starting again. "Um I promised Rafe that I would go to the movies with him tonight. There's this baseball movies and you know he is in to baseball right now." She takes Rafe's glass of juice.

I hate baseball but if we can do it as a family. "Oh, okay. What time does it start I'll meet you there."

She almost chokes on her second glass of juice. "Well it starts at 7."

"What?" I ask. Does she not what me there that bad? Then it hits me. "With Danny."

"Danny played baseball in college." She says like that is supposed to explain everything. "I'm sure he would love for you to come. If you don't mind missing your meeting."

Rafe runs back in the kitchen with his backpack slung over his shoulders.

"We better get going."

"You barely touched anything." I stand as she gets up and I feel like stopping her physically.

"I'm not as hungry as I thought." She gets up taking her and Rafe plate to the trash can and raking them clean.

All my hard work in the trash kind of like my life.

"Come one guys we need to get going."

I follow them to the door. "Before you make any other plan tomorrow night is also family night."

"I'll try."

"Um okay." I try so hard to keep the disappointment and defeat out of my features. I'm losing and I feel it. I just can't do anything about it. I feel helpless; it's the one thing cocaine always helped me with. It's also the reason I feel this way.

"So how has the day been?"

"Just excellent, first I woke up with a huge headache, breakfast was a disaster then I broke my heel running up a flight of stair because I still can't be in closed spaces with other people, then I fell asleep missing the video meeting I made mandatory for my managers."

"So the norm?"

"Funny." I roll my eyes at John.

"It is because every time I ask you that you talk about work, by now you should know what I mean."

"I do, but I wanted to start off with the good part of my day."

"That bad?"

"Worse we fought after out last session."

"Fighting is good sometimes."

"I guess it was kind of good for us. At least we came to an understanding."

"Before you give me your conclusion, tell me what happen from the beginning."

"Okay I told you that I was going to cook dinner that night. You told me to make my intention clear so I told her we were going to have dinner and talk. She showed up two hours late with him."

"Danny I suppose."

"Correct."

"Did that hurt?"

"So much I can't even explain it accurately." I pat my chest keeping my heart at bay.

"What happened next?"

"We got into an argument. Somehow she said I was blaming everything on her, but I wasn't trying to. I was just saying that, everything was moving so fast and I didn't want to bother her with my problems. I thought she was happy."

"Was she?"

"She said she wasn't." Those words really stung. Even when I was trying my hardest I failed her.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I can't stop thinking about it." I scoot to the edge of the couch. "It's a major let down, that even when I was trying my best I still couldn't keep her happy. When I thought I was giving her everything I could, everything she wanted and it turns out it still wasn't enough. Now all these thoughts are going through my mind, like why did she stay, was she ever happy with me, and the one that hurts the most is I made a promise that I thought I was keeping up until now."

"What was that promise?"

"To make her happy, I wonder if it was a lie the whole time."

"That line of thinking is a slippery slope to defeat."

"Well you're the one who suggest dinner."

"You might want to consider she said those things out of anger or spite."

"We did come to one conclusion."

"What was that?"

"That this was all my fault."

"Okay stop right there." John's voice booms through the office almost scaring me.

"No I want you to listen. She said that this was my all my fault and those were her exact words."  
"Olivia."

"No I realized what everyone has been telling me was a lie. I mean I realize some things are out of our control but I know that I can get over this faster if I could just take responsibility for some of those things."

"It wasn't you fault." He counters like everyone else does.

"It was. I think about all the workouts I missed. If I had been stronger, faster or anything. If I hadn't have been drinking I might have won. If I hadn't said yes, then no. If I hadn't have went to that party she would have never had the chance."

"So all you think about is what if?"

"Yes I think about it all the time. So I think it's about time I took a little responsibility in my life for a change. I've always had Rodney or Doris telling me it wasn't my fault."

"Let me say something, did you ever stop to think she just meant your drinking problem, that maybe if you had told her what happened between you and Lily that she might take a different stance on your situation."

"I was going to tell her, I was. It's just when she didn't show up I got worried. Then I called Lindsey who told me Natalia had left with Danny then I got mad."

"What did she say?"

"She said she didn't want to fight but we did. She started saying all these things like I said. It was my fault that I was just trying to avoid the consequences. She asked me why I kept doing this to hurt her." I tilt my head back willing the tears to seep back behind my eyes.

"Your problem again seems to be communication. I bet you two were having two different conversations; while yours included everything hers only included her suspicions. Now do you think that's fair?"

MISSING THE MEETING

I'm so nervous, jittery even. I don't know why.

As usual I'm one of the last persons to show up. I get there earlier like a ritual I have to sit in the car and debate going in. But it's still earlier. It's only 5:40 and the meeting doesn't start till 6.

There aren't that many people here. Maybe they were all here last night, which I skipped since I wouldn't have any family to show up. That would be too much like being the only one without a date.

I walk to the refreshment table looking at the selection. They look good. I haven't been able to eat anything today from being so nervous.

I think I had reason.

Natalia was gone by the time I got up and I haven't been able to reach her all day to remind her of the meeting, but I know she won't stand me up, not for this. I told her how important this was for me, for us. Granted it was in a text but that was because she wasn't answering her phone.

She'll be here, she said she would.

"Hi."

I turn around to see a younger woman beside me with black hair and blond roots and piercing green eyes.

"Hi."

She holds out her hand. "I'm Linda, Chloe's partner." She looks just the way Chloe described; petit, high cheek bones and gorgeous.

Chloe is a group member with a heroin addiction which she says arose after she was molested by her step brother at the young age of 12. Her story made me cry for her, all the shit she went through and still made it out with the help of this woman.

"Olivia." I shake her hand.

"I know. I get jealous of how much she talks about you." She laughs reminding me of how Natalia's used to laugh, happy. "I was hoping to meet your wife, maybe we could all get a late dinner."

"Natalia, she's running late." I hope.

"Oh I can just imagine how busy you two must be."

"Yea but she's on her way. I'll be sure to introduce you two." I say mostly for myself. I know she will be here, I know it.

"Okay ladies and gentlemen, the meeting is officially about to start. If everyone could turn their phones off or on silent it would be much appreciated." Tessa announces over the mic.

Reluctantly I turn my phone on vibrate. I need it to be on when Natalia calls, or if something has happened.

"I know everyone has been waiting to get a sample of the platters so dig in and really get to know each other, exchange numbers. This is your support system. And it is not just for our members but our loved ones too. Take about 10 minutes to get around then we'll start our circle." Tessa moderates the meetings. Even on the outside I bet everyone knows she is a counselor or art teacher. She's so out going and vibrant. She's the kind of person who wears tie dye and prays to mother earth. Everyone would think she did weed but not anything hard and the abuse she has been through I've wondered to myself how she came out of the other side so perky.

Tessa walks up hugging me without a second thought. No matter how many times I tell her about my space policy she still invades it.

"Ah, Olivia. Where is that lovely woman of yours you are always talking about?" she pulls back arms length.

"She's running late but she'll be here." I try to smile at her so she'll go to the next person.

"I hope so, you are worth it after all."

I wish someone would tell Natalia.

"Let me know when she gets here." Tessa hugs me one more time before gliding off to the next person.

My phone starts to vibrate. I know it's her before I even look and for one reason or another I don't want to answer it. I think I would rather her not call. That way I can still hope all the way up until the meeting's end.

I pull the phone out of my pocket ducking into a quiet corner. "I'm glad you called I was starting to worry, are you okay?"

"Olivia…" I hear her sigh, I can only imagine her fidgeting and her forehead wrinkling trying to force herself to speak. "I'm sorry."

I feel my heart tighten even more at the words. Suddenly I feel like people are staring at me. It's like our conversation is being broadcast for everyone to hear.

"One second babe, I can't hear you." I lie needing to get to some fresh air before I hear any more. I don't want people to know how much of a mess I've made of my life. After all I'm in a room full of people that were in the same place I was and somehow they have it better.

I step outside taking a deep breathe before pulling the phone back up to my ear. I've played nice for most of this time but I need her here with me tonight, I want to turn in my guilt card.

"Hey babe. You're still coming right?" I stop myself from saying more. Just to humiliate myself would be unintelligent even if to my own wife. She doesn't care so why should I try to make her.

"I'm so sorry Olivia. Something came up and I can't make it tonight." She pauses.

I feel like I'm supposed to say something but I can't figure out what it is. I'm I supposed to excuse her or say that it's okay. It's not.

"I'll make sure to make it to the next night."

I blink back the tears staring at the dark but clear sky. Showing my weakness is what got me here in the first place. I have to learn to guard myself against these moments especially since it seems like more of them are to come. Natalia just needs more time to come around. "You know what don't worry. I didn't really want to go either. But I'll see you at home."

"I'm really sorry…bye."

"Love you." I try to rush out but she has already hung up.

"Was that Natalia?"

I jump at Tessa's voice. "You scared the shit out of me." I clutch the phone to my chest. "Something came up at her work so she won't be able to make. I think I'm going to go home and wait for her."

"I would rather you stayed."

I would rather jump off a building. "Don't worry, I'll be here tomorrow." I smile at her. If it's one thing about her that I like it is that she shows worry like Natalia. I can read every thought going through her head.

"Promise me."

"I promise not to relapse or take any drastic measures tonight before calling you first. I'm not going to kill myself." I know that's what she thinks. I almost want to laugh. It's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind in last month or two.

After all I never tell anyone about my incidents and if it came out, I always say it was an accident. They usually believe me, why would a rich person end it all and leave all that money behind.

"She'll come around, it takes time."

I've been telling myself that it is not help any more. Time is something we don't always have. The time it takes something to heal is more time that it takes for it to die.

"I'm going to get going."

Just as I make it down the stone steps as a car pulls up with it high beams on.

Tessa comes to stand beside me. "Who could that be?'

"I don't know."

The car parks and Rodney and Johnny jump out of the back seat yelling at each other.

"You little flunky you say one more thing about my mother I swear." Rodney yells pointing over the top of the car.

"You ain't gonna do shit."

Doris slowly gets out of the passenger side of the car. "Both of you shush. I'm tired of your voices already."

Jessie gets out of the driver side shaking his head.

"Do you know them?" Tessa lean in.

"Unfortunately yes." I try to stop a smile from forming on my lips. I want to be mad and depressed but it's hard with friends like them.

"So you just weren't going to tell us about family night." Jessie pulls me into a bear hug not letting me answer. He lets go straightening my shirt.

I haven't seen Jessie in months.

"I um…" I'm at a loss.

"Don't worry we'll let it slide this time." Doris takes my hand intertwining her fingers with mine. "I know we're late but the three wise men are directionally challenged."

"Thank you." I squeeze her hand trying to keep my emotions in check. I have no ideal what I did to deserve a friend like her.

"Where else would I be?" She wraps her arm around my waist guiding me back towards the building. "I'm proud of you." She whispers in my ear.

Those few words are enough to make me feel like I can do this. I can get through this and come out the other side a better Olivia.

==== I'm not happy, she's not happy, no one is.

NATALIA

This office is starting to feel like my new home. I readjust the pictures on my desk one more time.

One is our wedding photo and the other is of Emma and Rafe on the playground.

God just to go back to that scene would be heaven sent.

But that is a distant dream.

Someone knocks on my door pulling me from my daydream.

"Come in."

Father Ray comes in leaning against the door. "Why are you still here?'

"Just finishing up some paper work."

"Lying to a holy man, strike one."

"Olivia is watching Emma and Rafe is sleeping at Lindsey's."

"So you're running away from being alone with Olivia."

"Kind of." While we have been able to be in the house together without arguing or even talking I think we are still ways away from having long pleasant conversations especially after I missed her meeting.

"Can I suggest something?'

"Why not everyone else is." I lean back in my chair.

"I'll make it quick. Instead of running you should try to be there. You don't have to talk or forgive just yet but be there and get used to being around each other."

"We can't just sit, we end up arguing."

"Just be there Natalia. Go home and sit down and be there."

"And just forgive her."

"No but be there. I want you to put your pride aside this week and try to live in the moment."

"Just be there." I say the words and for some strange reason they seem perfect. Just be there.

"Good now pack your things and go home. We can handle it from here."

When I get home Emma and Olivia are on the couch watching a movie with a big bowl of popcorn sitting on the table.

I take a deep breath at the door readying myself to ….just be here.

"What are you guys watching?" I plop down on the couch beside Emma grabbing a handful of popcorn.

Olivia looks at me hesitantly stumbling over her words. "Prin…Princess Emily."

"Sounds good." I dig back into the popcorn bowl sitting back and watching the movie.

When the movie ends Emma is sleeping across both our laps.

Olivia switches off the movie turning on the news and a thousand thoughts are running through my mind.

I miss movie night and most of all I miss being close to my wife.

I keep my eyes on the screen not really hearing what they are discussing.

My next move is critical. Olivia is sitting stiffly beside me. I know she is waiting for me to make a move because every move she made I've rebuffed so it's up to me to get us on track.

But if she rejected me it would kill me.

As casual as possible I take Olivia's hand and just hold it on top of Emma's back.

She squeezes in response and we just sit there.

We stay that way until the news ends.

"I guess we should get this little one to bed." Reluctantly I pull my hand out of Olivia's scooping Emma into my arms.

"I guess so."

By the time I finish tucking Emma in and make it to our room Olivia is already dressed and in our bed.

Instead of going in the bathroom like I usually do I strip down in front of Olivia finding my pajamas.

The feeling of being naked in front of her is almost overwhelming. Her eyes follow me around the room.

"How was your day?"

The want in her eyes is unmistakable but they are also filled with confusion and fear. "It was okay, had a lot of meetings and the usual paperwork."

"Me too." I slide my pajamas pants up watching Olivia try to look uninterested. "I thought since tomorrow is Saturday we could sleep in and go for a movie or something."

"Yea?" Hope is laced so thick in her voice.

"It could be fun."

"Um sure. That would be great."

"Okay." I slide under the covers turning off my lamp. Olivia does the same. We lay in total darkness.

A few minutes pass and I'm nowhere near sleep. This new found energy is flowing through me. This could actually work. If I just put all my energy into pretending everything is okay maybe one day I will actually believe it.

Olivia flips over beside me again.

"Are you okay?" I scoot closer to her. If she is sleep I can just hold her and talk to her to calm her down. If not, I'll just be here.

"Yes."

So she is awake.

I take a chance scooting up behind her. "Is this okay?"

Her voice comes out shaky. "Yes."

I venture out a little more. "What about this?" Cautiously I snake my arm around her mid section letting my finger graze the unprotected area where her sweatshirt and sweatpants don't meet.

I hear her breathe hitch which could be good or bad.

"Yes." Olivia closes the few inches between us scooting back until we are spooning.

Her breathing evens out after only a few minutes.

I don't know why I haven't tried this earlier. I feel a little more as ease I think Olivia definitely noticed the change. If I can keep this up maybe we could cruise until we can calmly talk about what happen or until Olivia decides to tell me the truth.

Olivia isn't exactly the most forth coming person with the truth and that's what kills me every minute of every day.

It's the fifth night in a row I've come home early, had dinner with my family and gotten ready with Olivia for bed. I can't believe we've made it this far.

The road a head of us is a steep mountain side but this week has been great.

We haven't argued all week although we've hardly talked, but we have been spending more time together. The time we have spent has been so close to what we had. I got home before she went to bed we laid there in our own thoughts and out of no where she rolled over and wrapped herself around me.

It's been ages since she initiated any contact. I thought I was dreaming for a second until I felt her hand on my hip. I couldn't help myself I kissed her and she kissed me back. It turned into a very heat make out session which only left me wanting more but I settled for that.

But she kissed me and we slept peacefully through the whole night, no nightmares.

When I woke up she was still wrapped around me with her head on my shoulder. And I didn't leave. I stayed until she was awake and the smile on her face could have lit the whole house. That's what I want to see. I want to see her happy. I want to make her happy. In return is might rub off on me.

But I know this can't last. One day we will have to talk, one day the lava bubbling underneath the surface will over flow and burn us both to the core.

We can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room and hope for the best.

If I could just put into words how I feel and how she made me feel I could talk to her but I can't. Thinking about it just brings anger and resentment and I can't think rationally. All I want is to make her feel how I felt. I want something to hurt as much as I do. Those times I need to be by myself because I know I will say something that could break us into pieces that can't be put back to together so I hold my tongue. I smile when I'm supposed to and I walk away from her when I can't see past my own pain.

That is why this week has been much needed. We both need a break from our problem and time just to pretend we are still the happy couple on the dvd I watch everyday.

Tonight I decide to take our playful touching a little father. The way she still responds to my touch…it's something about it that just lets me know she still wants me no matter how many women she was with. These are the only times everything feels like it was.

I take a bolder step pulling Olivia into my body.

"Is this okay?"

Olivia nods her head.

I think she's too turned on to talk.

I sweep her hair from her shoulder onto the pillow beneath us, placing a single kiss on the column of her neck. "Is that okay?"

"Yes." Her hand finds mine squeezing it.

"What about this?" I place a trail of kisses on the neck. My hand sneaks up her long sleeved shirt stopping just at the base of her breast. I smooth my thumb over the smooth skin.

Olivia arches her back her breathing coming faster.

I take that as a sign to move higher so I do. I palm her breast squeezing it in the time with her swaying hips.

I feel the moan before I hear it and I'll be damn if that sound and feeling alone doesn't have me on the edge of bliss.

Even if I don't know how far we will make it or if we should even keep trying but I know I want her.

It makes me feel like an asshole because at this moment in time all I want is sex.

I just want to have sex with her because I want to. It has been so long since we done anything, since I've done anything. The whole time she was gone I never even touched myself.

I know I promised her I would never use her. I promised sex would always be an expression of our love not need. But things have changed, she changed and I changed and all I want is to fill her and feel her around me. I can't promise her anything but that.

Olivia pushes her butt into my stomach provoking me further.

Without hesitation I roll Olivia onto her back, my hand still working under her shirt. "I need you."

Olivia sits up before I can get on top of her but she smiles at me.

She pushes me back to a sitting position straddling my hips. In one swift move her shirt is gone.

"Good God baby." I run my hands up and down her sides just feel her soft skin. While looking her in her eyes I take one tight bud in my mouth bathing it with my tongue.

Her hands tangle in my hair pulling me closer.

My hands circle her waist sliding down the back of her pants. I squeeze the firm globes pulling her closer.

I can already feel the heat from her centre, that's where I want to be.

"God Natalia." Olivia starts to rock with me.

I wrap my free arm around her waist rolling us over situating myself between her legs.

I hold myself up focusing on undoing the string of her sweats. I know I'm in too much of a rush but I want her so bad it hurts.

Before I can get it undone Olivia's hands cover mine. "Wait."

"What's wrong?" I must be panting because I can't catch my breath. So close.

"I…" Olivia begins to stutter, looking very unsure of where to settle her eyes.

"Do you not want to?" I rise up to my hands and knees.

"No I do. I just…" She clears her throat. "I do. I want you." She pulls me back down. "I want only you."

Only me! I lean down kissing her down her jaw and neck. I restart my menstruation on her breast and like a charm it works. She begins to moan and arch into my hand.

Her hands clutch at my hips pushing and pulling, with the rise and fall of her body.

I push her hips down with mine until I elicit a moan from her.

I slide my hand underneath the barriers between us, cupping the source of her need.

I feel Olivia tense under me.

"It's okay." I try coaxing her to relax.

Olivia spreads her legs wider.

I flex my hand over her sex feeling the fluid leak onto my hand.

Olivia moves her hands up to my shoulders while I press. I engage her lips with mine dueling with her tongue.

I open her body with my fingers caressing her bundle.

"You don't know how much I've missed this." I have to have her.

Olivia looks up at me her eye brows knitted together, her bottom lip secured tightly between her teeth.

I let my finger dip into her entrance and everything changes.

Olivia quickly covers my hand squeezing until the pain radiates up my wrist. Her other hands pushes at my shoulders. "Stop please. Stop!"

I pull my pained hand out of hers sitting back away from her.

Olivia scoots back in the opposite direction curling against the headboard pulling the covers up over her chest. Her breathing is sped up so fast I'm sure she'll pass out if she does slow it down.

"I'm sorry." She whispers laying her forehead on her knees.

I'm not sure if I should back off or try to comfort her. So I decide to stay where I am and wait for a sign.  
This summer has thrown us off. I used to be able to read her so well. Now all I do is doubt myself. I doubt that what I know to do is the right thing to do and I'm so tired of feeling that way.

Stop thinking so much.

I crawl up the bed at the same time pulling Olivia out of her cocoon. "Come here."

Hesitantly Olivia unfolds herself. I lay down pulling her on top of me. I rub circles on her back as she cries soaking my shoulder.

I hear her mumble into my shoulder barely making out what she says. "Make it go away."

I hold her tighter to me hoping she will continue to talk. "Make what go away?"

"The pain."

I can feel the hurt just from her voice.

"What pain?"

"MOMMY, MOMMY help!" Emma bangs on the door.

"You better get that." Olivia slides off my body and under the covers.

"MOMMY!"

"Here I come baby." I slide off the bed opening the door. All I see is a blur as Emma runs and jumps in our bed. She curls up in Olivia's lap pointing down the hall way. "He's in there go get him. He got Patsy."

"Who baby?" I rub my forehead feeling a migraine coming on.

"The monster, get him please!" Emma curls into Olivia mumbling the rest of her words.

"Okay I'm going."

Olivia manages to smirk as she comforts Emma. "You heard her go get him."

I feel silly creeping down our hallway. I enter Emma's room sitting on the bed with her doll near my feet half way under the bed. I pull her up next to me.

I bite my lip to keep from crying in frustration. I could actually kill someone with the pent up anger but the demons I need to slay are out of my control.

I don't even know who or what they are because my own wife doesn't trust me enough to tell me her fears.

What a mess we've made. It has to get better and tonight was almost proof of that.

I trudge back down the hallway with Patsy in my hand.

"He's gone now baby girl." I close the door behind me. Its obvious Emma isn't going anywhere. Her and Olivia are under the covers curled up together.

I tuck Patsy in Emma's arms

She looks up at me with big brown eyes. "Can you make the monsters go away forever?"

I direct my answer at Olivia who has the same questioning look in her green eyes. "I'm trying."

Olivia closes her eyes as I slip into bed with them. I intertwine my hand with Olivia's on top of Emma.

I bring Olivia's hand up to my lips kissing her ring. "I'm trying."

She squeezes my hand in response.

RAFE

I can't wait until Brittany comes, I don't wanna be here by myself. I don't wanna be here at all. I wish everyone would go back to where they came from and I can live with Brittany. This place is stupid.

"Are you ready to go to Brittany's?" Ma walks into the kitchen.

I think I hate her most of all. Always trying to act like everything is okay when its not. If only she could see how stupid she looks to people. I don't care what anyone says she's a liar. "Been ready."

"What's wrong?" She leans up against the counter.

"Nothing, just ready to go." I keep looking out the window just hoping to see Jaime's car coming up the road. I'll meet them there so she won't come in and I have to spend one more second in this house.

"You know you could be a little nicer. It is a school night."

"Thank you for letting me sleep over at Brittany's, is that good enough?"

"No it's not," She crosses her arm like that's supposed to scare me. "Your attitude is the problem."

"Don't have one."

"Yes you do and I want you to fix it."

"What, like she fixes everything?" I cross my arms to turning to her. "Like she fixed Dad?"

"Excuse me?" She stands up straight, looking hurt.

I shrug. "If I don't fix it will she kill me too?"

"Rafe that's not funny." She looks mad now. It doesn't mater she won't do anything to me.

If she tries to ground me I'll just sneak out the window. "I know." I turn back to the window.

"Why would you say that? You know I would never hurt you." She reaches out to touch me, I step back.

I'm almost taller that she is and pretty soon my facial hair will come in. I swear as soon as I get my fake id I'm out of here. They can both go fuck themselves. I'm taking Brittany with me too.

"She thinks I'm so stupid."

"Of course not!"

"Yes you do! You think I don't know what's going on. You think I don't know what was going on then? " I hop onto the counter top just swinging my feet. I know it irritates her for me to act so nonchalant about serious things. "Trust me I know everything."

"No matter what you've heard you don't know."

"I know everything …that fact that you would stay with that bitc-" Her hand comes fast but I'm faster. I catch her wrist before she connects. We stare at each other. The look on her face is priceless. I let her arm go and jump down. All I can do is shake my head at her.

"Watch your mouth, I'm still your mother!"

Olivia walks into the kitchen smiling. What I wouldn't do to wipe that smile off her face. She stops looking between us.

"Rafe!" I look out the window and Brittany is with Lindsey's assistant parked outside.

I turn back to Ma and whisper. "I'm sorry. I love you." I hug her.

"I love you too Rafe."

I pick up my bag slinging it over my shoulder. I walk to Olivia stopping just inches from her.

She looks kind of scared, unsure of what I'm going to do. I feel good about it. "I hate you." I whisper. She instantly frowns at me like I'm speaking a foreign language.

When I turn to walk away she grabs the strap of my bag, whispering in my ear. "You don't wanna play this game with me Rafe. I won't be disrespected by you or anyone else in my own house." She smoothes my shirt collar letting my bag go. "Now tell you're mother you love her and don't ever talk to me that way again or it will be me and you and I don't play fair." She turns back to Ma smiling like she didn't just threaten me.

"I love you Ma."

I walk out of the door leaving Olivia still standing there.

"Rafe wait!" Ma catches me as I put my bag in the trunk. "What was that?"

"Nothing," I hug her that always makes her go away. "I just want you to be happy. Olivia's not going to do it."

"Rafe how can you say that?"

"Ma just admit it, you had a good run. She's not who she used to be. She doesn't care about you or me, not the way…" I look up at Olivia who is standing in the door way.

"Not the way what?"

"Not the way Danny does. Look I've talked to him and he's on my side. If you just gave him a chance."

"Olivia does loves you, there's just been a lot going on."

"Does she? Can you really think about it and say she loves you more that he does, or that you still love her." I open the door to the car leaning against it. "Ma just think. You're holding on to a dream." I get in the car shutting the door.

We pull off and Ma is still standing there.

"What was that about?" Brittany scoots closer to me in the back seat.

I hold her hand down between us so our driver won't snitch. "I just told her how I feel."

"How do you feel?" She always asking questions, in school, life, or church, she just had to know it all.

"I'll tell you later."

Of course Jaime is at home when we get there. She won't leave us alone afraid I'll knock Brittany up. She's wrong, I'm never having kids. I swear, they don't need to know how fucked up life can be.

"Hi, Jaime."

"How are you Raphael?" She smiles at me but I know she hates me.

"I'm good. My Ma says hi." I follow Brittany upstairs.

"Leave the door open!"

"We will Jaime!" Brittany screams. She runs into her room jumping on the bed.

I put my bag down by the door leaning against it.

"So tell me what you said!" She lays down pulling a pillow under her chin staring at me. "Well?"

"I told Olivia I hate her."

"Rafe!"

"What you asked and that's what I did. I said it straight to her face."

Brittany doesn't look too impressed. She's always talking about how I'm a mama's boy, she should be glad I'm not anymore.

"What did she say?"

"Nothing, she didn't do or say anything." I get down on all fours crawling to the edge of her bed meeting Brittany face to face. "I told Ma she should leave her for Danny."

"Rafe you shouldn't have said that!"

"Why not? You heard what Daisy said."

"Daisy's a bitch, what does she know?"

"What do you know?" I snap back at her. "Don't put this on me, its all Olivia's fault."

"The book said that drug addiction-"

"I don't give a fuck what the book said. What I care about is my Ma. I'm not going to let Olivia get away with this shit." I crawl onto the bed lying beside Brittany.

"What if what Daisy said wasn't true? She was ease dropping on someone who probably didn't have the whole story either."

"Brittany even you heard Lindsey say Olivia was on drugs and drinking at my party!"

"Yea but-"

"And Daisy said she overdosed, her Mom saw Olivia in the hospital. And what did she do? She leaves without saying anything. She didn't even call me!"

"That's why you're mad isn't it?"

"No." I sit up standing from the bed. Jaime would kill me if she saw me.

"It is. You're just mad at Olivia for not visiting you at camp." Brittany rolls onto her back. "I remember, you cried."

"I said no and I didn't cry!"

Brittany puts her finger over her lips. "Rafe you have to call Natalia and tell her. You're going to break their marriage up if you don't."

"NO!"

"Rafe, I've been here, you've been here. You don't want your moms splitting up because of you."

"I don't care what they do. We're getting out of here." I pull a map out of my bag. "Remember we're going to visit every dot on this map."

"We're kids."

"So?"

"So, I'm not going anywhere until I finish school."

"Brittany, no!" I throw the map down. "You promised to go with me!"

"Rafe we were drunk on wine coolers." Brittany sits up hugging her pillow. "Jaime would kill me if I ran away. She's done too much for me to bail on her."

"Then I'll go by myself." Fuck it I don't need no body. "Tonight." I pick up my bag. "Cover for me until daylight."

"No!' Brittany jumps off her be pulling my bag back to the floor. "Don't go."

I hate that Brittany's taller than me. I should be taller, so I can look down at her. I should be able to reach things she can't instead of calling her because I'm too short.

"If you go I'll be all by myself and what about your mom. She'll worry herself to death." She pulls me back to the bed sitting beside me.

I think she knows I'm too scared to actually leave on my own. I probably wouldn't make it to the next city anyway.

"Everything will get better. I promise. You know if you asked Olivia I'm sure she would tell you what really happened." She looks at me with sad puppy eyes.

"I don't want to talk to her." I turn towards her. "As a matter of fact I don't want to talk about her anymore."

"No?"

"Nah."

"What should we talk about then?" She smiles so innocent.

She doesn't even let me say anything she just kisses me. I kind of like when we kiss. It's not like they do in the movies but I still like it. And I'm getting better at it; at least that's what Brittany says.

"Rafe! Brittany! Down stairs now!" Jaime yells. I jump so high I fall off the bed.

Brittany laughs so hard she starts to cough.

"Coming Jaime!" I push Brittany back onto the bed throwing a pillow at her. "That ain't funny. You're going to get me killed."

"Oh please." She pushes my shoulder as we walk down the stairs. "Olivia wouldn't let her."

She stops turning around. "My mom once tried to sell me for crack and my dad asked me once did I want to smoke some with him. Olivia's hasn't done anything to you. You should be happy all she did was not call. Your dad did much more." She leaves bouncing down the stairs.

NATALIA

Another night of fending of the boogeyman, and I've finally got Emma to sleep.

The confusion inside of me has all but disappeared while reading to our daughter. I take small steps down the hall trying to figure out a way to make this work.

And Rafe, in all this mess I haven't thought about what he wants. I've been so busy trying to keep him shielded but his not a child anymore. He knows and we have to talk to him. I have to talk to him. He needs to know he's still loved and no matter what I will spend the rest of my life making him happy.

Olivia is a whole other issue. I can't but hope and pray that tonight won't be a continuation of last night.

I can't hide in Emma's room forever. I shake away the depressing thoughts walking into our room.

The room is dark beside for a few flickering candles along the bedside table.

"Olivia?"

On cue she walks out of the bathroom with nothing but an open robe.

"You called me?" She uses that sultry voice that always makes me weak in the knees. I never have been able to resist it.

Slowly she stretches out on the bed, the sides of the rob lying uselessly beside her perfect body. "Why don't you come over here so I can give you you're present?"

I wish I could but my feet seem to be glued to the carpet. This isn't right, something is definitely wrong.

"I guess I'll have to start without you." Her hand travels slowly down her body. My eyes zero in on the limb following its every move, until it disappears in the v of her parted legs. Her body rises off the bed with an almost silent moan. The muscles in her forearm tension as she struggle to control her every move.

"See what you do to me." Her eyes close as another wave of pleasure surges through her body.

Without another thought I lock the door walking over to the bed, kneeling between her open legs.

I watch in amazement as her fingers dip into, but never penetrating her depths.

My hand intercepts hers, clasping our hands together. Her breathing hitches oblivious to the fact that I had move to my target destination.

The smell alone assaults my senses, driving my brain haywire, till the only thought I can catch is of tasting her again and again.

I lick the back of her fingers tasting her. The first taste is always a relapsing experience. A drug I'm happily addicted to with no sign of recovery.

I need more. I run my tongue along her sex keeping the touch light.

Her hips raise high off the bed seeking more contact. I move with her, keeping the contact feather soft. I know she hates it when I do that, but nothing is more satisfying then hearing her begging and moan for me.

"Please." She whispers, tangling her hand in my hair, pulling me to her body.

I shake the hand loose grasping them, our hands rise above us in a game of mercy. I keep a tight grip on them, letting her know I'm in control.

"Natalia?" Her body is in over drive, throwing itself through the thick air.

"Shh, baby. I know." I know all too well, from the many nights she's kept me on edge for hours at a time. From all the nights I begged and begged leaving my voice hoarse the next morning. Yes I know very well and I want her to know and remember while I'm gone.

Her hips jerk again as I blow cool air across the hot surface.

"Ugh."

If it were any cooler I'm sure stream would be filling the room.

"Olivia, tell me."

A few second pass before she answers, her body slowly lowering to the mattress. "No."

"Tell me."

I hear her take in a couple of deep ragged breaths. Her body slacks, let go of most of the tension settled in her muscles.

I keep her hand in my grasp laying them on the soft bed. My eye glues to her bloomed flower, begging me to touch it, to sate the hunger she started.

I get temptingly close to her centre. I run my tongue through the coarse patch just hoping to get a small taste to help me outlast her.

Her hips rise silently begging, rebelling against her brain. "Fuck me please."

As much as I love to watch her squirm, it hurts me also. To deny myself the pleasure of giving her pleasure is just as hard on me as it is on her.

Deciding not to prolong the pain for either of us I dive into her heat. First stimulating her bundle of nerves till it strains against it bond beneath the slick skin. With every caress of my tongue, the tangy liquid fire seeps out, glistening in the dim light. I move down to catch her essence, cleaning the area, before going to the source.

Her hands squeeze mine almost painfully. Still I hold them in place, moving with her, controlling the amount of pressure.

"Please…please."

I concede to her pleas, sucking her bud in my mouth. She bucks faster spilling more and more of her onto my pallet.

I can tell she's close. The way her body shakes, the tiny but noticeable quivers of an impending orgasm. I live for this.

With a stab of my tongue I plunge in and out of her quaking body, as deep as the human anatomy will allow. One last stab of my tongue pushes her over the edge. Her leg closes around me holding her in place as she stays suspended in the air.

"Oh god." She draws the moan out, struggling to take in much needed oxygen, trying to remain at the peak.

I suck her bud into my mouth pushing her further.

"Natalia." The plea is music to my ears. I love it. The high pitch could break glass; all it manages to do is strengthen our bond.

Finally for what seems like an hour her body relaxes crashing onto the bed.

I crawl up her body, watching it twitch every second or so as the pleasure ebbs through her muscles.

"Wipe that silly grin off your face." She stretches lazily.

"No." I reply snuggling up to her side. "I still got it." Maybe this is what we needed. Who says sex can't fix things.

"What's the time?"

I look at the clock calculating the time. "Two minutes 6 second."

"No it had to be longer than that." She tries to sit up to look at the clock but I press her down with my body weight.

I sit up shedding my clothing quickly before anything can ruin this moment.

"God, that wasn't supposed to happen," she rolls us, so that she's on top nipping at my lips. A tiny shift and she's straddling my leg. I groan at the heat on my thigh and more at her leg pressing against my need.

I look up at her so unguarded with her natural beauty. "I love you." I'm not sure if it was my mouth just blurting out anything or if my heart had taken over.

She pauses, her mouth hanging open.

I meant it and at the same time I wish I could take it back. I lean up kissing the side of her luscious lips. Playfully she keeps moving evading me.

After a few tries I catch her lips sucking her tongue in my mouth all the while digging my hands in her hips. A slow rhythm is started, our bodies dancing with each other.

She pulls back biting her bottom lip grind harder onto me. She falls onto me bathing my ear in her heavy panting. "Ohgodohgodoh." Each 'oh god' her pitch gets higher. I love the sound. I always have, always will.

It alone could force me to come.

She latches onto to the pulse on my neck.

"Yes."

She bites down on the sensitive skin as the stars behind my eyes explode like the 4th of July. "Fuckfuck."

She kisses the spot behind my ear. "That's it, cum to me."

The rod in my back bows taking my body with it.

Olivia rises up hovering over me as we share the same air.

I struggle to keep my eyes open at the peak of my orgasm staring into Olivia's eyes.

"I love you too, Natalia." She kisses my jaw line until I can comeback to my senses. She eases the pressure off my sensitive center.

I slide my hands up and down her back slowly trying to regain my surrounding faster. That can't be the end. I've waited too long for this for it to be over so fast.

"Don't worry; I have something else in mind." She points to the headboard at a pair of pink colored handcuffs that are intertwined around one of the columns. "I know you said there was no rush."

"Olivia I don't know if you're ready." My eyes are fastened to the handcuffs.

We've never really talked in detail about this but the few times it was hinted Olivia shut down on me. Now with her relapsing and the dreams coming more frequents, this is not a good ideal, but it still turns me on.

"I am and I want this for us. Complete trust. I know you would never hurt me or do anything I'm not comfortable with." She kisses down the side of my neck. "And I want to show you how much I trust you."

"I knew I shouldn't have told you." I stop her descend down my body. "Maybe we should wait, do a test run. I don't want you to do this because of some stupid dream I had."

"It's not stupid to want something. Look," She crawls to the edge of the bed pulling something from underneath it. "See. It came with the blind fold." She holds up the black blindfold with pink feathers outlining the edge. "And it came with a whip." The whip is a long black leather rod with a pink feather on one end and a folded leather strap on the other. "This side is for pain." She smacks the leather end against her palm. "And for pleasure." She reaches out and tickles my stomach with the soft feather.

My abs clench in voluntarily at just the thought of what we could do.

"So why don't you go get dressed in the bathroom and I'll get in position." A sly smirk spread across her prefect face.

"Olivia?"

"Last night was my fault." She sits on the bed in font of me. "I freaked for no reason."

"You scared me."

"I know but it got me thinking that maybe we've been talking too much."

Except we haven't really talked at all.

"That no what we need right now."She stand up sliding against my body. "I know what my girl needs."

I want her so bad.

"You need me and I need you. We need this. I can see it in your eyes." She kisses taking my hand and placing it between her legs. "Do feel it?"

"Yes." She so wet, so soft.

"It's what you need, want."

"I want you so bad." My fingers play, rubbing and penetrating.

"You can have me. I want you to take me." Her tongue plays along my neck. "So go."

I want to protest but instead I obey.

I pace the bathroom, debating whether I should let her do this. My mind says no, my body says yes, yes, yes and my heart is silently debating amongst itself. Lindsey says I need to talk to her about how I feel, but my body says after this.

I take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom with the harness swinging in my hand.

Olivia is still in the same position, sitting on the side of the bed the blindfold lying on the crown of her head.  
I knew it. "Olivia, we can do this some other time."

"No, I want to now. I just wanted to see you before I put it on." She crawls onto the bed on all four, presenting all her glory in my direction.

I stay by the bathroom as she locks herself in, as not to apply any pressure to her decision.

Her cute little butt wiggles in the cool night air. "Okay, I'm ready." The apprehension in her voice is impossible to miss.

I discard the harness walking over to the nightstand grabbing the key. "Just say when and I'll stop." I stick the key in the palm of her hand. I stop her before she can protest. "This is just in case you fill the need to get free all you have to do is turn the key."

She nods her head in acceptance.

"You ready?"

She nods again. Slowly I pull the blindfold over her eyes.

"Okay baby, listen to my voice and relax." I crawl behind her, watching for any remaining signs of anxiety.

I pick the bottle of warming oil up squeezing a generous amount on my hand before running my hands up her back massaging any tense area.

"Um, that feels so good."

I kiss the dip in her lower back, extracting a moan I feel rumble through her mid section.

My hands continue to roam over her back and under her body. I message her chest with the oil feeling the free weight in my palms.

Her hips swivel pushing back against me.

I sit back on my heel disconnecting any contact. I wait for a couple seconds as Olivia shifts for aroused to confusion.

I crawl off the bed retrieving the whip. I don't want her to know where I am or what I'm doing. I stay quiet as possible walking around the bed watching as her ear perk listening for my presence.

I reach the feather end out running it up between her legs and quickly pull it away. I continue my journey around the bed looking for my next point of attack. I running the feather over the peak of her breast watching as it tighten to a small hard peak them down her exposed sides.

My eyes jump to the clinking of the handcuff being pulled against the column of the headboard. Olivia pulls against the restrains again. "God, Natalia."

After couple of minutes of the games, I'm ready burst at the seams. I need to take her in the best way. I need her to feel me move inside her. I need her to give herself willingly to me, give me the power over her body and trust me not to harm her.

I retrieve the harness from the chair, pulling the leather straps up my leg, penetrating my centre with the small plug strategically placed on the inside connected to the rubber phallus standing at full attention.

I crawl back onto the bed steadying myself behind my wife.

The sight of her hips wiggling in the air, silently telling me where she wants me, is all the permission I need, but I want it to be enough for her. I steady her hip, planting my hand on either side. "Olivia?"

"I'm ready." She tries to crawl back but she's stretched out as far as the restrains will allow.

I run my hand under her. She's soaking wet, almost dripping through my fingers. "Mine?"

"Only you." She stiffens a little when I gently roll her onto her back.

"Okay baby, relax." I hold the phallus with one hand her hip in the other. Slowly I guide it to her entrance slowing down every movement watching and listening for any signs of distress.

She sucks her breathe in holding it till I've entered her to the hilt.

She pushes onto the extension pushing the other end deeper into me. We stay that way until she relaxes a little more. I can see her fist ball, her wrist and hands are white from pulling on the cuffs.

She crushes her lips together until they are a thin line and I can't tell if it's from fear or desire.

"Olivia?"

"I'm okay. Keep going." She whispers into the darkening room. "Please." Her voice is steady and stronger than a second ago.

I bite my bottom lip trying my best to control myself, and I'm on the brink of slamming into her without consequences. The candles flicker some of them dying leaving the room more dark than light.

As soon as I pull back and push in she whimpers. I hold my position waiting then I pull back and push in again.

Olivia pushes back meeting my slow pace. It feels so good. "Keep going Livia, you feel so good."

Immediately I feel her tense under me. I stop my movements watching her hands clench back into fist. I see her shoulders tense more then she tries to raise up. The restraints her hinder her progress.

"What's wrong?"

"No, stop!" She pulls on the restraint shaking the bed.

I pull out of her, releasing the straps around my waist.

"Please no!" Her voice gets louder filling the otherwise quiet room.

I reach towards her hands trying to find the key but her hands are clenched into a fist. "Open your hand baby." I try to pry her hand open.

"Please, let me go." She sounds so helpless and small.

"Baby its okay. Olivia." I jump off the bed running to the wall to flip the light switch, that's when I realized the blind fold is still covering her eyes.

"Let me go!" Olivia pleas get louder than before. She starts to pull harder on her handcuff rocking the whole bed frame. "Don't do this please! I'm sorry!"

"Shh baby. Olivia, listen." I take the blind fold off, trying to wake her from her dreamscape. "You have the key; open your hand, please."

"Natalia please let me go." The look in her wild eyes makes me physically sick.

"I'm trying, open your hand."

She does and the key drop between the bed and the wall.

I crawl on the floor looking for the key under the bed. I see the metal reflect against the wall. After retrieving the key I try to unlock the cuff but she struggles against bond too hard.

"Olivia you have to stop struggling so I can uncuff you. You're going to hurt yourself."

My eyes are so blurry I can barely see through the tears to aim for the tiny hole. She stops for a split second just enough for me to unlock one ring. After a couple of unsuccessful tries Olivia's other hand is released from its restraint. She immediately crawls away from me to curling up on the edge of the bed. Her whole body is shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…" I reach towards her.

"It's okay. I'm okay." She holds her hand up still chanting.

I hate times like this, times when I don't know what to do to help. I want to hold her, but I'm afraid to frighten her more. "Olivia?" I can see the cold sweat rolling down her shoulder.

I knew it, why didn't I listen to myself.

After a few minutes she crawls under the covers wrapping in the sheet.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"Fine." She snaps at me.

"Olivia?"

"What Natalia? What do you what from me?" She bolts off the bed, picking up her robe off the floor. She slings it over her shoulders leaving it untied. "I can't fulfill your twisted fantasies. I can't play baseball or football. I can't do it! Are you happy?"

A feeling of hurt pains my heart but it's quickly replaced with irritation and bitterness. "Why are you yelling at me? I told you, you didn't have to do anything." I'm almost yelling and I don't know why we are fighting. "I told you it was stupid if you don't want to be tied up you didn't have to do it."

"I bet _he_ doesn't have a problem with it."

I can't believe we are back to Danny. "Is that what this is about? Danny." I stand from the bed a little unsteady. "You know what Olivia not tonight." I take some clothes from the closet, putting them on.

"Where are you going, to meet him? You think I don't know what's going on with you two. Why you've never introduces us, why you are always with him" I ignore her accusations. "You look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love him… tell me that you love me more." She sounds like an insecure child begging and choking on her own tears.

I turn to her. The tears are falling from her eyes like a waterfall. I can't bring myself to offer her any comfort. For the last few weeks she has done nothing but accuse me of wrong doing then apologizing and I can't take it anymore. She's the one that cheated. She is the one who got high then tried to make me feel bad for trying to help her. And she is the one who ran off without calling.

I sat by the phone for days waiting for her to call. I listen to voicemail after voicemail of women calling saying they had fun and would love to do it again. I sat there and took it all and now that I don't want to she has a problem.

And maybe that's not the real problem, maybe she is right. I could have loved Danny. What's not to like about him. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, and above all trusting. The dream I had was only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe there was still something between us beside the puppy love we had ages ago. If he hadn't left, maybe we would be happy married with Rafe and Emma, hell who know maybe we would have had 10 kids.

I know I love Danny. I always will, he was my first real crush, my first love. I can't forget that and I never will but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with Olivia and she used to know that by just the touch of my hand. Then again I used to feel it, now it wavers. But nothing seems to quell either of our feelings of betrayal.

**OLIVIA**

Her silence feels like hours. The room suddenly feels like a small cave. One where there's not enough air and your oxygen deprived voice would carry on forever.

The pain trickles from my heart entering the highway of blood leaving little chards of glass in it wake, each piece ripping opening wounds, old ones and fresh ones.

"Tell me." I plead with her, my voice hoarse and raw with pent up sorrow.

She reaches out towards me.

"Don't. Don't touch me." Those very words stab me in the heart. It feels like someone just twisted the knife, blendering my insides. I never thought I would say that to her. Then again I never thought she would find someone else. I don't need her pity, I don't need anyone's pity.

"Olivia you're being ridiculous. You know I wouldn't cheat on you."

"Prove it. Stay here with me. We just got back." I hate begging. It always seems to happen when I talk to her. I can never simply ask a question I end up begging like some street person.

"**You** just came back; you act like I was the one who jumped up and left." She sits beside me on the bed, not touching me. "I thought you trusted me."

"I don't trust him." I get off the bed still angry with her for going. "And don't act innocent with me. I know you want him. It shows in everything you do. When is the last time we've had sex. You can't even have sex with me because you're thinking of him. All you care about is sex."

The shock is written all over her face, mostly because the lack of sex has been on my part. But I know I am right.

**NATALIA**

I look at her in shock and awe. "Sex, really?"

"Don't insult me like I couldn't see what was going on. Every time I turned around you were all over me. I couldn't breathe." Like a caged animal she starts to rock from foot to foot.

I stare her through slits. "You never once said no. I asked you time after time if everything was okay and you said yes. Not once did you ever say no."

"How could I?" She yells running her hands through her hair.

Did she just accuse me of forcing sex on her or coercion her in anyway.

"I'm sorry that's not what I meant. That is not what I meant to say, I love making love with you. It's just afterward-"

"I don't want to hear it. This isn't about Danny it's about you." I shake my head. I'm not going to ride this with her again. Been there, done that.

**OLIVIA**

"I heard you that night. You said his name. I touched you…kissed you and you said his name, not mine… And I thought if I just showed you what we had…" I shove my hands through my hair aching to pull it out just to felt something other than the pain of losing my wife. "I heard you say his name and you couldn't even…"

"Olivia it was a dream it didn't mean anything! Like you have never had a dream about someone. I can't control that!"

I try to stay as calm as possible. She's lying to my face I can feel it. She loves him maybe more that she loves me. And who could blame her. With him she won't be constantly bombarded with question about her involvement in Nicholas's death. She wouldn't be asked if Danny is a cold blooded killer. Danny won't be asked if he adopted Rafe or Emma or if it's legal. They wouldn't get strange looks when they go somewhere out of town as a family. She won't have to hint around sex or check if it's okay to touch him or be on top of him. He doesn't have nightmares or the sordid past as a victim or junkie. Things would be easier with Danny.

Natalia walks to the door mumbling to herself.

"This is how you want it. You asked me not to lie to you and your standing here lying to my face like I'm nothing." I want to yell but I can't.

"I'm not lying, I love you."

"Is that enough?" Is love ever enough. No, it never has been and never will be. Love is a fleeting emotion, with a spider's web strength. Love can be lost, taken away or thrown away with a flick of a finger, in a blink of an eye.

People need more than that; they need trust, understanding, and forgiveness.

I look down at my wedding ring; the two clear stones sit side by side staring at me with a twinkle in each eye.

She'll never forgive me for relapsing, for loving Rodney or Doris. She'll never understand our bond and that is what this is all about. She's trying to punish me because of our bond, not love but our mutual respect and understanding of each other. She never trusted that I could be faithful and I guess I proved her right.

"It has to be." She walks out of the door without another word. But what is there to say. Goodbye will never do. I love you's have already be said. There is nothing else to say, I just wanted to hear something.

I lie awake starting at clock wondering when or if she will come back to me.

Finally around 2 am I hear the silence clicking of the door knob and I feel her lie down slowly trying not to wake me.

I want to be mad, maybe I should be, but all I can think of is how happy I am that she came back. It's not a victory but it isn't defeat. At least she came back, I don't know what I would have done if she had stayed gone all night.

"Natalia?"

She stays silent only shifting a little.

"I'm sorry."

"Please not now."

"When?" I rise up to my elbow.

"I don't know just not now." Natalia flips onto her back crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm sorry about what I said." I push further. I want to apologize for accusing her of infidelity. I want to tell her how upset I was when she didn't come to my meeting. I wanted to tell her how much Lily hurt me and tell her how she is the only person who has ever been able to make that hurt go away. I want to tell her how much I'm still hurting but I'm trying. Most of all I wanted to tell her how much I still love her even when I say I don't and how much I just want her to hold me at night so I can sleep for more that a few hours.

I slide my hand across the distance touching her fabric of her shirt. "I"

She shifts away from my touch. "Tell me this, why am I always the bad person?"

"You're not."

"I must be because you turn everything around on me." Natalia sits up whipping the covers back across the bed. "I wasn't there for you, I didn't pay enough attention, or I was too busy doing this or that."

"That's not what I meant to say." I sit up my back and wrist aching.

"No Olivia you never mean to say those things but you do. So tell me what it is I can do so that you won't do these things." She looks at me with blank eyes and for second I think she is just trying to hurt my feelings.

That's not my Natalia, she's asking a serious question because I put doubt into our relationship.

If I just hadn't been drinking I could have fought harder, longer, stronger. If I could have just held onto her hand she would have never been able to touch me.

I massage my wrist trying to forget the feeling of being held down or being tied down. I can't even where a watch without the feeling of restraints creeping up on me.

"That's what I'm talking about." Natalia stands up from the bed her hair whipping wilding around her head. "I can't say two words without you crying."

Am I crying? I touch my face and sure enough there are tears streaking down my face.

"No it's not you." I swear trying to convince her otherwise. "It's me. I'm all over the place."

"Right." She stretches out the word nodding her head. "So what am I supposed to do just go with the flow or what? What do you want from me?"

"No…I… I…I don't know. I know I want you here with me."

"I'm here and you keep pushing me away. Nothing I do is good enough for you."

"Natalia you are."

"There is this side to you that I never knew and I don't like it. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm tired of you apologizing and I'm tired of you going off on these little binges then expecting everything to be okay, because they aren't." She turns away from me hanging her head down. Her voice is low tangled with defeat. "Nothing is okay and I'm tired."

The panic rises in my heart. She's tired of me is what she meant, which means this really could be the straw that broke the camels' back. I don't want this to be the end of us, our marriage. "I know things aren't okay. I know you're tired but you love me right?" As pathetic as I sound I don't care. I'll reach for anything to keep her here with me. I'll say or do anything to save our marriage. "We are a family, that counts for something right?" I crawl to the edge of the bed shaking at the swift chill in the room.

Natalia doesn't respond.

I need her to stay, I need her. "I'm sorry about tonight, I thought I was ready. I am; it was the blindfold. If we tried without it, I promise I won't stop you." Even as I beg her like a common whore Natalia turns around hurried almost running to her closet.

"No." She comes back out with a pair of shoes and bag in her hand headed towards the door.

I jump off the bed meeting her at the entrance. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my mothers so we can both calm down."

We stand in silence for a few long seconds. I don't know what to say. I don't want her to leave me. I don't want to be here by myself. I can't be here by myself, not after this.

I don't want to lose what we had and I don't want her to fall for someone else while I'm trying to deal with everything. "Can't you stay just for awhile? I promise I'll be good." Begging, pathetic.

"No. I need to clear my head and I can't do it here with you. Just drop Emma off at her apartment in the morning."

"I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel unappreciated or feel burden." I swallow the rest of the words. The burden of being married to a victim is a heavy weight. She wasn't even assaulted and I'm sure she feels like someone just took everything from her, except that person was me.

Her eyebrows knit in thought trying to decipher my words. Finally she gives up rolling her neck. "I'll see you in the morning." She eases by me out of the door.

I take her hand stopping her for a moment. "Okay." I lied when I said nothing else could be said. "I love you." I whisper to her wanting nothing more for her to repeat the words. Those three words I long to hear. At that very moment I feel like I could die. Everything seizes up inside of me refused to ease until I hear those words, but they never come.

Natalia looks at me with blank eyes, no love, excitement, angry, or loathing, they're just blank.

This time could really mean goodbye.

Natalia nods her head before turning around and taking the stairs two at a time.

-0000

NATALIA

"You want to tell me what happened this time?" My mother sits a hot mug of tea in front of me.

I shake my head. "I was mad and I just snapped. You should have heard the things I said to her. It was awful."

"I'm sure if they weren't true she'll forgive you." She rubs small circle on my back. "And…if they were true maybe they needed to be said."

"Some of it was true but I know I went on the defense too quick. She's just going through something right now." I shrug my shoulders away. I shouldn't be comforted now. I deserve to feel this way.

"She must have said something to you to make you so angry."

"She accused me of sleeping with Danny." I lean back against the soft cushion of the couch. "But the worst part is I do still have feelings for Danny, but I used to love Olivia."

"Used to?"

"I don't know…I don't know how to stop this cycle we're in and my patience is wearing thinner and thinner."

"You have to so what is best for you. If Danny-"

"I'm not in love with Danny!"

"I didn't say you were but it is very obvious he has feeling for you and if you have feelings maybe they could grow."

"I don't want them to grow. I already told Danny I didn't love him and we could only be friends."

She sighs quietly. "Then what do you want?"

"I wanted to be with my wife tonight. I wanted to show her how much I love her and I wanted her to trust me."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I do know we can't keep living like this. I don't know how much longer I can wait or pretend that everything is okay."

"Have you talked and I mean really talked."

"I try so hard to figure out what to say but I can't stop thinking about things. I think about those women, Lily, her friends, or how she almost died. I think maybe I'm not good enough or strong enough to be with her. And it kills me inside to think those things. I just can't stop them." I sit up on the couch rubbing my tired eyes. "I know whenever I think about those things I get angry. I get so frustrated because everyone just expects me to brush this summer off. But what if this summer is like the next to the one after that, where does it stop?"

"Whenever you want it to." My mother pats my shoulder before retiring to her room.

Another night in her guess room is calling me. I'm so tired I might just sleep on the couch. Probably should get used to it anyway.

**OLIVIA**

"So how was last night?" Rodney barges into my office sitting on the edge of my desk.

"Horrible."

"That bad uh?"

"If you call freaking out then her leaving that bad then yeah, that bad." I lay my pen down closing my laptop.

"What's up with sleeping beauty over there, its 10 in the morning?"

"She spent the night with me and as you know people don't get much sleep at night with me."

"Nightmares?"

"My own child tried to scare my boogeyman away. I'm some kind of mother."

"You're a great mom. You just need some sugar, so let me take you two out for donuts and coffee."

"Donuts." Emma lifts her head up.

"We have to make it quick I promise Natalia I would have her home by noon."

"Everything is on me." Rodney picks Emma up tossing her up in the air. She giggles in his arms sleep still in her eyes.

"Donuts. Donuts." They march out chanting.

"It's been awhile."

"Yea I know." It's only been a week of dodging his calls.

"So you want to start where we left off last session?"

"Not really."

"Let's give it a try?"

"Things at home were better."

"How so?" John readies his pencil.

"Well Natalia had been around more. She was there when I woke up and she came home early so we get ready for bed together. Even though we haven't talked we have became more intimate."

"Stop right there, I don't think you are ready for intercourse therefore I am going to suggest that before you take anything a step further you need to sit down and talk."

"But she was the one initiating it. For weeks now I have been waiting for her to sit and talk to me and now she was showing all this affection. I have to be ready when she is."

"Why is that?"

"If I'm going to be her wife I need to be able to take care of her in every way."

"What about your needs?"

"Selfishly thinking about me is what got me in this situation."

"In the past have you ever had sex with Natalia when you didn't want to?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I didn't want her to feel rejected. I wanted to please her." Even though it was only a hand full of times when I think about it, the guilt can choke me. "Natalia was insatiable she was all over me all the time. The reason being she was jealous because of my past. Women that just popped up. She felt like she had to have to prove a point and I let her."

"You let her use you."

"She needed it to solidify our bond."

"And now?'

"I think it was the same now. She thinks I cheated on her so now the anger is gone she's getting possessive. I needed to prove she is still what I want."

"Needed? You've already tried haven't you?"

"Yes."

"And how did that turn out?"

"It wasn't too bad at first. We were just touching at first then it got more physical. She tried to undo my pants and I froze. But I could see the want in her eyes. She hasn't looked at me that way since I returned home. When I stopped her I could see the disappointment. I tried to shut my brain down and keep going but I couldn't. It wasn't her touching me it was them."

"I know it is enticing but this is not going to solve anything until you two talk about the events that happened and share your feelings."

"It's what she wants and I should be able to give it to her."

"I'm sure if she knew what you've been through she wouldn't ask that of you."

"I should be able to let Natalia touch me, instead of freezing. All week she has been so patient and how do I repay her. I start something I can't finish. One day she might not-" I stop talking. I know it's too late the nightmare will play tonight.

"She might not what?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay we'll come back to that." John waits a second his eyes studying the notebook in his lap. "Do you think that sex is all Natalia wants from you?"

"I don't know, a part of me says yes but my heart says no. I don't want her to be like everyone else."

"How is everyone else?"

"Sex is all they want because of what they've heard. But with Natalia it was so much more than that." Her eyes used to just shine when I walked in the room. She used hold my hand or brush my hair. We did so many things together beside sex, I don't know when it changed.

"So why are you pushing the subject?"

"Because I know that sex is important to her."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I already told you. She needs to feel that bond. We need that and I'm the one holding us back." If it hadn't been for the blindfold I could have. I would have let her fuck me until one of us passed out. I would have if she hadn't have said those words.

"How do you feel when you two are touching?"

"It's like when we are together it feels good, it feels so good and I want more. But in my mind I know if I ask for more I'll just freeze because it won't be Natalia I feel, it'll be them."

"You believe Natalia would force you."

"No but a person can only take so much teasing."

"And when she gets feed up?"

"I know she's not stronger than me but if she tried." I shutter at just the thought.

"Just to entertain me what would you do?" He stares at me intently.

"I don't know." I do.

"You do, now tell me."

"Nothing. I wouldn't do anything. I would just hope it was over quick."

"What about in your dream?"

"I always stop fighting."

"Why?"

"I don't know." I taste the salt pooling around my upper lip. "I can't hurt her even if she hurt me the way she did."

"But she didn't, only in your dream. This is why you are not ready for sex. Your mind is still trying to put itself together. Until you have come to terms with the difference between your dream and reality you won't be able to give yourself to her."

"Do you know how many times we had sex just the 2 months after we we're married?"

"It's not about sex it's about letting her inside." John leans forward. "Not only inside your body but mind and heart. If you can't do that you need to give yourself more time." He sits back shaking his head. "You refuse to even admit you were assaulted."

"I know what happened I was there!"

"Then why is it when I ask you why you relapsed I get the same answer."

"Because John I'm taking responsibly for my actions. I'm not going to just blame it on Lily. I started drinking before I confronted her. I was already lying. She didn't shove anything up my nose. I did that."  
"She didn't force you to do anything?"

"I shouldn't have been drinking." I wipe away a few tears rubbing my eyes.

"So you asked for it."

"No." I try to compose myself.

"Why don't you take a minute and we'll try another angle."

I walk out of the room making sure to slam the door. Outside I light a cigarette I stole for Rodney. It's not as soothing as I had hoped but it will do. If I had just one line of some coke I'd be fine.

When I sit back down my leg won't stop shaking. I know what John wants to talk about.

"Welcome back." John walks in with a cup of coffee.

"Whatever."

He sits down sipping at the steaming cup before setting it down. "Are you ready to talk?"

"Yes."

"How did you feel when Natalia touched you?"

Just jump head first, no foreplay. "Like I said it feels good at first. But then it changes because I start to panic. I guess I get flashbacks and I feel the pressure on my chest. I feel like I can't move my legs or arms. I start panic but I remember I said yes, so I try to relax and drift away."

"You zone out."

"If you want to call it that."

"Did you want to have sex?"

"My body wants to but my mind doesn't cooperate. I just wanted to be close to her but then I just wanted it to be over."

"Afterwards how did you feel?"

"I stopped her when..." I pause trying to sort out my feelings.

"How far did you get?"

"We had sex. It felt good when she was…when she was performing oral sex. Then we tried the handcuffs and blindfolds. She gave me the key to the handcuff then we tried a little foreplay. She got behind me just like in the dream. My legs and arms started to hurt. And…and she was inside of me. I felt hands on my back-"I clench my leg as though I was actually fending off an attack.

"Olivia, breath."

"I was begging her not to. But I felt it and there was nothing I could do but scream. I still feel it." I try to relax my legs but they refuse to listen and the pain intensifies.

"Olivia breath!" John's loud voice pulls me out of my memory. I take a deep breath my lungs burning in the process. "I don't want you to confuse what happen with your dream."

"I know what happened."

"Okay." John holds up his hands. "I want to make a few points that might help you with hesitation with your wife. When you are having intimate relations with your wife you think back to your past assaults and dreams but I want to make a few points to you that might ease your fears."

"I'm listening."

"Earlier you told me…" He runs his finger along the page of his notebook. "She gave you the key."

"She did."

"While engaged sexual in contact you said no and what did she do?"

I think about the answer. "She stopped."

"See in your dream Natalia is there but she steps out of sight and then you feel yourself being assaulted so in your unconscious mind you have associated Natalia with the assault weather you what to admit it or not. But the truth is she steps out of sight because you don't want her to see you in that position." John leans forward looking me in the eye. "Now think about that and tell me what happened."

"I told her to stop and she did and…I snapped at her. She walked out and felt alone and cold. I felt foolish to think I was ready. And what was even more pathetic is I begged her to try again but without the blindfold. I begged her, told her I would be good."

"It's normal, you panicked that she was leaving, in your mind sex is what she was there for and you couldn't perform for her."

"John I don't beg okay. I can count on fingers the amount of times I've really begged outside of this marriage and every one of them I was being pathetic."

"You begged for them to stop."

"I did but it didn't make much difference."

"But it did with you wife."

I nod my head.

"So no means something."

"Not to everyone."

"But it does to the person who matters."

I nod again.

"Let's talk about another subject. Let's talk about how you cope after your assaults."

"What about it, I do drugs. What else is there to say?"

"You cope with sex too."

"Sometimes." I already know where he's going with this line of questioning. "I use it as a way to regain power. I was always on top and in charge. I never let them touch me or try to please me."

"Except?"

Except? What else is there? "Natalia?"

"One named Doris Wolfe."

What is it that every conversation with everyone comes back to my friendship with Doris? And how does he know. "What does she have to do with my sex life?"

"Come on Olivia let's just make this quick. You have had a sexual relationship with her."

"Your point?"

"I can tell by the way you talk about her." John smirks like he knows something I don't.

"Exactly what can you tell?"

"I suspect you let her touch you. You probably went to her when you felt unsatisfied with you latest conquest. She most likely let you dominate her but gave you the fight you were looking for. Am I on track?"

I keep all reactions off my face. It was a two way street.

"I think I am. I'm also sure you let her touch you, maybe without penetration but I'm sure you two shared more than a few rendezvous."

"If we did?"

"Are you going to tell Natalia?"

"Yea on my deathbed."

"And you wonder why she doesn't trust you."

"We haven't slept together in ages." I dismiss his statement.

"Never the less I'm sure Natalia can feel that connection you two have and it probably feels threatening. Probably wonders just when you are going to make her your security blanket instead of Mayor Wolfe."

My security blanket. I'm supposed to be her security blanket; I do things to protect her from me. Doris can take it without blinking an eye. This proves it. She's still holding my words against me even though she knows I wasn't in my right mind. It was the withdrawals talking. But Doris hasn't missed a beat. After all the things I said to her during my recovery she's never brought any of it back up or thrown it in my face.

"I've seen this a thousand times before. She's your best friend the only person who has never walked away from you or let you down."

"Never." Doris Wolfe is the most loyal person I know and I wouldn't trade our friendship for all the money in the world.

"I dare to say you don't have a problem lying next to Doris Wolfe?"

"Because I don't have to worry if she will want sex that I can't provide."

"And you worry about Natalia?"

"Because I might not be able to give her what she wants."

"So say no."

"I did!"

"She has proven time and time again that no mean something. If you can name an instance when you said no and she kept going I'll drop it but if you can't you have to start trusting her with your safety. If you can't do something as simple as that how can she trust you."

NATALIA

"Natalia just calm down"

"I can't Lindsey! I can't!" I've tried to calm down the whole day but things just keep getting worse. "Every time I think about what she said."

"What did she say?" Lindsey steps in my pacing path. "Please just sit down and talk to me, let me help you sort this out."

I take a deep breathe falling to her couch. Lindsey sits beside me but I shrug her hand of my shoulder. I don't want to be comforted right now. I want someone to pay.

"Just slow down and tell me what happened."

"Last night after I put Emma to bed Olivia was waiting for me in the bedroom. I told you about the night before."

"Natalia, did you try to have sex again?"

"She tried it. I didn't do anything, after the other night. I was too scared but she promised she was ready, she had whips and handcuffs."

"Natalia!"

"I know, I just. It was everything I told her I wanted. She knew what she was doing and she seemed so sure." I try to explain, but the look on Lindsey face says it all. I should have known better. I should have known she wasn't and let something else take over. "I felt good."

"What?"

"I let go of the past and stopped thinking and it felt good."

"So what happened?"

"She freaked out after the handcuffs and we fought. She accused me of raping her, can you believe it!" I get up off the couch leaning over her desk. "Did you hear me? She said I forced myself on her all the time. She said she those things and I just lost it."

"It's understandable, you're both under a lot of stress and pressure."

"It's not okay Lindsey. Nothing is okay and I told her that. I told her I was tired then I left."

"You just left?"

"I left and went to my mothers. I just let it all out. That I was tired of her lies and if she wanted to fuck Lily or those other girls then she should just say it. It would hurt a lot less if she would quit lying to me."

"Natalia, I told you-"

"I know-"

"No you don't, you don't know anything right now and you're fighting in the dark." Lindsey's face turns a deep shade of red. "I told you, you should have gone to that group. She could have told you everything."

"I don't want to hear it Lindsey. I don't want more lies. I don't want to hear the sorted details of her relapse. All I want is for this to be over. I want my wife back, the one that was on that altar saying her vows to me."

"That is that woman but that woman needs her wife to listen to her. She needs that from you. You've checked out and she has to know." Lindsey sits back shaking her head at me.

"So this is my fault?"

"No Natalia, but it's not all Olivia's!"

"Wait do you know something?" I know she is always the reasonable one but she's fighting just a little too hard for Olivia.

"I know Olivia well enough to know that she wouldn't just cheat on you." She rubs her face pulling her hair into a ponytail before letting it fall back around her shoulders. "You know it too. You have to get past the hurt, the pain will eat you alive. Trust me I know."

"I'm not ready."

"Then when?"

"Funny she asked me the same thing."

"Natalia," Lindsey gets up taking my hands in hers. "You have to face this head on. No one wins if you keep running, not you or your children."

"And what they're better seeing Olivia sniff her life away?"

"They'd be much better if you made up your mind. If you don't want to be with Olivia and not listen to her, then fine. Tell her so you both can get on. But if you truly want Olivia back then you have to listen and try to forgive."

"I have listened. I'm listening to my children." I pull my hands out of hers, taking a few steps away. "I talked to Rafe."

She shakes her head. "Rafe is a child; he's just learned Superman isn't real. You can't take what he says at face value."

"I can, yes I can!" I need some space. "They are the only things I can think about. When she was gone I was the one who had to answer they're questions about when is mommy coming home. I was the one who had to look at them everyday and lie. That was me, not Olivia. No she ran off and refused to talk or answer my calls. She didn't lift a finger to contact me or her children so excuse me if I'm not in a forgiving mood!"

"Stop yelling."  
"Why?"

"Because you're not angry at me, you're angry and the one person who could give you all the answers. Yet you're not talking to her." She points at me so accusingly. "Now she has made the first step, it's up to you to do the same."

"Danny said you'd-"

"Oh please, Danny? Really?"

"Don't you start again." My neck is starting to tense. I've had enough of everyone on my case about Danny. Not one single person has taken on moment of out their lives to try to get to know him. No one of them, but they all act like he's the villain. "You act like he started this."

"He isn't helping!"

"Neither is anyone else! He's the only person who I can unload on and his opinion is not tainted by our past." I point back at Lindsey. "You know how hard it was for me while she was gone and now that she is back…I don't want her here."

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do. Rafe is scared to death of Olivia and I can't blame him. I don't know how but he knows."

"Of course he knows!" Lindsey throws her hands up. "He's not deaf or blind. You don't think he's seen how you act around her. How skittish you are, the way you stare I'm sure hatefully at her. You don't think he's seen you like this before. When's the last time, really think about it."

I haven't even thought about it. He must know Olivia would never hit me. Jesus, I didn't even know. I honestly thought if I had kept those drugs from her she might have.

"Why do you think I've be letting him stay over our house even thought Jaime is livid. He needs stability and that won't happen until you both open up about this summer." Jaime touches my shoulder. "All of you are hurting and that won't stop until you do."

"I can't put myself in the same situation. I wanted last night so much. I wanted it so much." I lean into her touch. "At that moment when I felt her tongue, tasted her again, when I was inside of her; just for a moment everything was okay. Nothing was wrong. At that moment I knew she loved and trusted me and I felt the same."

"You can have that again."

"Can we? She doesn't trust me or she doesn't love me."

"Which hurts more?"

I don't know.

OLIVIA

I don't have green eyes for nothing. I can be very jealous and though I am better at hiding it than Natalia, the monster jumps into me a lot.

Lately it has been working overtime, for good reason too. But that reason is a catch 22. I can't be mad at Natalia for having a friend I don't like. If that were the case I would have to cut out all of my friends especially Doris and Rodney. I can't control her life. I just have to trust that she won't stray in trying times.

It's not really Natalia I'm worried about it's him in her ear, telling her things she might want to hear. As much as I hate to admit it, it's starting to sway her heart.

I can feel it when she leaves to answers the phone; I know something is going on; we're both too afraid to admit it.

We're back to square one. She stood me up for lunch but I shook it off because she had a very convincing excuse and I decided to trust her. But tonight I am going to be the bigger man, I'm taking Natalia to dinner tonight whether she likes it or not. Even if it mean Rafe and Emma spend time with Danny. If it is meant to be then we'll make it but if its not I don't want her to be unhappy any longer that she has too.

Just thinking about it makes me dizzy. I don't know if I could actually leave her for good. I feel like I would potentially be a stalker hovering around corner and peeking through windows. They're my family and I deserve a chance to make things right. I deserve that much at least an hour to try to make it up to her.

Like a bat out of hell, Rafe comes flying through the kitchen where I'm sitting. "Whoa, slow down."

Ignoring me he rushes through the screen door only to reenter moments later pulling his new idol behind him.

"MA!" Rafe yells sending bells ringing through my ears.

Danny shifts nervously from one foot to the other refusing to look at me.

I should stand up maybe that would intimate him but he would still be an inch or two taller than me. With Nicky we were the same height, it was easy to gain the upper hand.

Natalia walks into the kitchen looking at me with a tight smile, like I did something wrong.

All I was doing is sitting here trying to read the paper. Haven't even said a word to him. It never used to be like this even when we fought. She would always smile bright; it's why I couldn't stay mad at her.

For some reason the look hurts more than her cancelling our dates or being a no show at the meeting. I didn't even do anything.

As soon as Natalia looks at Danny her demeanor changes. Her eyes lighten to an almost hazel color and that beautiful smile appears.

I try to smile but only manage to swallow the lump in my throat. Anything is better than crying at this table in front of them. He probably already thinks I'm crazy.

"You look stunning." Danny hugs Natalia picking her up off her feet.

She does. Even in plain low riders jeans and a navy blue v-neck sweater. She doesn't have on a dab of make up and she is still radiating. There is a glow to her that has returned just in the last few seconds. I wish I could say it was for me.

I don't even have to see Rafe face to know he is smiling.

I guess I finally got my wish, he's here. I guess the fates were trying to protect me from this scene right here. She looks…happy. They all do. What a stark difference from when we are alone. She doesn't smile; she doesn't even like me to look at her. I have yet to spend one hour with Rafe by ourselves. They always have plans not including me.

I can't help but remember to keep at least one of the promises I made on our wedding day. I promised to make her happy without or without me. I guess this dinner will put all of it in perspective. How can I make her happy if we can't be in the same place without screaming?

As if they suddenly remember I was in the room they break apart clearing their throats at the same times.

"Danny this is Olivia Spencer."

Her wife, I finish Natalia's sentience in my head. "Hi." I wave from my seat.

Like he's all of a sudden shy again he ducks his head giving me a small wave. "How are you?"

Better if you disappeared.

"Rafe you ready?" Natalia claps her hand, trying to cut through the tension.

"Actually that's why I'm so early. I though we could all go. Maybe have dinner before we hit the cages." He lays his arm around Rafe's shoulders. "I wanted to make up being late for lunch."

Natalia looks at me for a second, too fast for me to catch her eyes.

She lied to me. I can't keep the smile off my face. I can't believe she lied to me to have lunch with him. The truth would have hurt but lying means she might have had other intentions.

"Please Ma. Can you come with us? I want to show you my swing." Rafe pulls at her hand begging.

I think we've all done our fair share of that over the last few months.

"Why don't you show Danny the living room?" She lets go of Rafe's hand as he bounces to the next room pulling Danny behind him.

I stare at Natalia's back as she follows them to the threshold of the next room. I can feel the monster trying to make it way out of my body. I won't let it, because I know **know** **know****know **deep down in my heart that Natalia won't blow me off.

I wrote out a whole speech about what happened, I'm going to tell her about Lily and why I relapsed. I want her to know who Lily really is and why I was trying to protect her from that monster. How I would do it again if it meant keeping her protected.

I've already told her plainly that we have to talk so it is now or never. I might have been ambiguous about the other dinner plans but I told her straight forward that if we don't talk tonight I don't see us making it through this. I told her how much this meant to me for her to take an hour out of her day to just sit down with me, in which I promised not to yell or scream or accuse. I promised her and she promised me she would come to dinner. She promised me she would give me an hour of her time to talk. She promised.

This whole thing is about us reconnecting, finding each other, knowing if we are still able to love one another.

Right now those questions could all be answered by her decision. It could all be washed away like loose sand on a beach just by the next few words out of her mouth.

"Olivia." She sighs turning to me and I already feel the frigid water carrying everything I have ever wanted away.

I brace my self balling my fist to keep my emotions at bay.

"I think we should move our plans."

"Natalia I made reservations." I say without looking at her. I can't, the betrayal of the moment is too much to bear.

"Olivia it think you are being a little selfish. You can move those reservations to another time." Her voice is low but I hear the resentment creeping into it.

I shake my head with out responding.

"You don't even make reservations; you show up and get the best seat in the house. What's the difference between today and tomorrow?"

Its not about the reservations, its not about how I begged to have her favorite deli cleared out and decorated, and paid the owner to stay open two hours later just in case we needed it. Its not about all the crap I've been through to find the flowers she used at our wedding or about much I was looking forward to just one measly hour with her. It's not about that it's about us or the lack of.

And there would be no difference between today and tomorrow, she still would find a reason to get out of it.

"I can't believe you are doing this, again." I say in awe of our situation. "This is not about reservations it's about a promise you made me." I stand up from the table so fast I am barely fast enough to catch the chair. "For god sakes Natalia I'm trying to talk to you!"

"Is everything okay?" Danny walks into the kitchen to Natalia. He turns his back to me cutting off my view of my wife.

"Everything is fine." Natalia steps to the side putting some space between them. "Thank you."

"Natalia, can I talk to you outside for a second?" I can barely contain my rage. The disappointment left when he stepped in. Now I'm angry. I walk to the door holding it open for her.

She looks at him like she needs permission to leave. Finally she steps out on to the porch with me.

I try to calm myself. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to fight with anyone. I just want her to choose me just this once.

"What do you want from me Olivia?" Before I can answer she starts talking again. "God, Olivia we can have dinner anytime."

"Can we? Because lately you can't seem to stay in the same building as me." I keep my voice at a normal level even thought I feel like screaming my own ears off. "We don't even have to go anywhere we'll stay here and just talk."

"All I am trying to do is make my son happy."

Her son.

"I don't want him pulled into this, and you know what he's happy going to the batting cages with Danny and all he wants is for his mother to watch him, so that is what I am going to do…We are going to have fun." Natalia's voice is harsh as she stands in front of me, her body as straight as a board, holding her ground.

I feel a cold shiver run through my body slowing down the raging blood.

The guilt is written all over her face. It's not about Rafe. It's about her and maybe him, but her mostly not wanting to be alone with me. It's about us ducking and dodging the truth for as long as we could. "You can come if you want."

"Do you want me to?" I'm ask not out of spite or as a come back but because I really want to know if she wants me here. I realize we don't have to have along drawn out conversation, its one simple question. "If not I won't interfere."

"You were the one saying how you couldn't meet him!" She yells at me.

I'm not going to yell back, it would be of no use. I can already see the apologetic look on her face. Her eyes cloud with tears and I would love nothing more that to hold her until they go away. That's not my place anymore. Maybe it was a temporary place anyway; just waiting for Danny to come along.

"Natalia we made plans, me and you. I've been trying and trying to get through to you but I'm exhausted babe. I can't keep chasing you. So I'm asking you to slow down for me or make a choice, if-"

"Ma, Emma's ready can we go now." Rafe walks out on to the porch with the rest of the group behind him. Emma is in Danny's arms holding her coloring book.

I crane me neck more that a little irritated at the constant interruption.

"It'll just be a second Olivia is going to come with us." Natalia rubs Emma's back refusing to meet my stare. I don't want to tag along to help her prove a point, just because she feels guilty.

But I will go just to see. I need to make sure she is happy with him. Or at least know if with both of us around which she will pick.

"Oh, well, I don't think my car will fit all of us." Danny feigns regret.

"Don't worry." I wave him off. "I'll take my car. I have a seat for Emma anyway."

"I have one." Danny looks at Natalia.

"Ride with us Ma. We can race to see who gets there first." Rafe runs to Danny's two door sports car.

I know I'm playing at a disadvantage so I take the decision out of her hands, if she actually chooses I might kill someone, mainly him. "Yea, go. I have to change anyway, I'll meet you there."

"You sure?" She asks, I'm sure out of formality.

"Yep, I'm sure."

"Okay."

"Okay." Danny chimes in like some one asked him. He walks to his car with Emma leaving us on the porch.

"I'll see you there." I pull her into a hug, not for him, but for me. I need to feel her physically. I feel like she slipped away where it counts.

I could cry when I feel her pull back but to my surprise she kisses my cheek before pulling away from me.

It would have felt so much better if I hadn't seen the sad look in her eyes. It would have changed my mind if it hadn't seemed so forced. It would have meant everything if she wouldn't have touched his hand as he held the door open for her. It would put me back together if her laughter hadn't reached my ear as they pulled off. Could've, would've, and should've never meant much in life they're just words.

When I arrive at the small park Rafe is already in the cage with Danny.

"Ladies." I join Natalia and Emma at the picnic table.

"Hi, Mom." Emma continues coloring in her book, lying across the table, her feet dancing in the air.

Despite the fact that we just had and argument and my life is slipping away I feel good. I prepared myself for what I would see between them, from silent longing looks to a full blown make out session. The last made me put a hole in closet wall but I'll get it fixed.

What ever happens I've come to terms with it, there will be no emotional breakdown, no begging or screaming from me.

There is just this small part of me that is positive for another reason. That part is still saying she is ours. Tonight is our last stand in this war. And I've prepared myself for defeat, white flag in my back pocket, for easy access.

But that little part of me is hanging on to her words from earlier. _It's all for Rafe._

"Emma has daycare tomorrow. I thought it would be good for her to get back into a school schedule." Natalia says to me.

Last week I would have went through the roof with excitement, but not now. I refuse to get my hopes up. There had been too many ups and downs. It's my fault for hanging on to anything she threw my way. But no more, if we are going to do this it takes both of us.

"That's sounds great. Do I need to drop her off?"

"No just pick her up from my mother's."

"I can do that."

"Ma, look!"

I look up just in time to see Rafe connect with the speeding ball.

Even if he doesn't want to be he is still my son. I stand up clapping and whistling.

Rafe shakes his head in embarrassment before focusing on the next ball coming his way.

"Why don't we get everyone a snack?" I ask Natalia. "Anyone want something to eat?"

Emma shakes their heads no. Danny looks at me before turning back to Rafe. I guess that's a no.

"I've been trying to get them to eat healthier." Natalia leans back against the table. Silently telling me she's not going anywhere with me.

As I walk to the concession stand I see a group of kids putting money on the table. One of them has a 'Happy Birthday' hat on.

They all shake their head in their private huddle.

"Come on guys lets just play golf." A few of them start walking slowly, all of them except the birthday boy and a kid that looks like he could be his brother. They stare longingly at the food stand.

I often forget people aren't as fortunate as my family. Well no one should be disappointed on their birthday.

"Hold up guys." I stop the boys from leaving. "What did you want?"

They look at each other for the leader to speak up. Finally the boy's brother does. "Popcorn and nachos and hotdogs and drinks."

"Okay who wants nachos and a drink?" Four of them raise their hands. "Who wants popcorn and a drink." The other five of them raise their hand. That only leaves the birthday boy. "Well since it is your day I guess you want all four?"

A big smile blooms on his face as he blushes.

"Alright you guys stay right here."

I order their food and mine.

The kids get their order one at a time running off with a few thank yous.

The birthday boy is the last to grab his food. "Thank you." He ducks like he's afraid of his own voice.

"Here." I pull out a hundred dollar bill folding it and stuffing it in his jean pocket. "Happy birthday."

His mouth is stuck in the shape of an O. "Hey guys I'm rich." He turns and runs in the direction of his friends leaving a popcorn trail behind him.

"Sorry Ms. Spencer we're out of hot dogs, so it will be a minute."

"No problem." That's what happens when you do a good thing. You end up with nothing.

"Well that was nice of you."

I turn around looking at the young woman who spoke the words. She has to be in her twenties if not I need her secret. Her hair is short just hanging past her ear with one red streak.

"It's his birthday." I shrug off the comment.

The young woman smiles at me playing with the straw in her cup. "What if I told you it was my birthday?" She sips from the straw watching me under her long eyelashes.

"Is it?" I walk to her table. No need in just standing around waiting for a hotdog. A few minutes over here won't hurt; it's not like anyone would notice.

"Maybe." She smiles again showing off her perfect teeth. "CeCe." With a flick of her hand she waves at the seat, but it also gives me a pretty good view of a good size diamond on her hand. "Don't worry; I just wear it for show. What about yours?"

I take a seat, showing her mine. "Olivia and it's the real thing." But who knows about the future.

"Too bad, I could use some company tonight but I settle for a friendly voice for now." She chuckles again. The sound is light almost not there.

Natalia never laughed like that. If she laughs she laughs and I can make her laugh pretty hard, I know all of her ticklish spots. I wonder if he does.

"You seem preoccupied."

"No." I shake my head. "Just hungry." I look back at he kid at the counter but he shakes his head at my silent question.

"You came to the wrong place for gourmet meals."

"So why the trickery?" I ask pointing at her ring.

"Keeps asshole at bay."

"Haven't found the right one?"

"I knew this woman who showed me so much, but it wasn't to be then." She smiles sadly at me but with so much hope in her eyes. I wonder if mine look the same when I talk about Natalia. "See that's what I want." She says pointing at my wife and her boyfriend.

Danny playfully pulls Natalia into a cage. She doesn't seem to be struggling too much.

"Even from over here you can see how much in love they are."

I watch as her pulls my wife too close to his body, saying something in her ear.

I watch as she laughs, playfully hitting his chest.

I watch as he runs his hands over and down her shoulders then square her hip.

The heat of the night fades replaced with a chill that attacks my spine with vengeance. This is what I expected, the numb feeling. It's almost welcomed.

Danny turns Natalia around pressing up against her back, supposedly teaching her how to stand.

"Now and day all guys want to know is if you will blow them. What happened to romance?"

Natalia simply holds the bat out and with a little luck the ball smacks against the wood making it seem like an intentional bunt.

She starts her sexy victory dance that embarrasses Rafe. But in true style of the night Rafe smiles as Danny catches Natalia in mid jump.

I actually count the seconds that tick away as they stay pressed together.

"Hot dog."

"Even their kids are beautiful."

That kills me, twisting my insides into a knot. They do look like they are a happy family.

"They're my kids." I rise from the metal table. "It was nice meeting you."

She looks surprised for a second before looking between me and the scene. "Oh god, are you-"

"No, don't worry. I'll see you around."

"Hey, your hotdog!"

"Keep it." I throw over my shoulder. I stroll back to the picnic table where everyone is standing. I guess is missed the fun.

"You missed it." Danny laughs with Natalia and Emma.

"No I did miss a thing." I kiss the crown of Emma's head.

And there is the frown that has become a permanent part of Natalia's face.

"You finished already!" Danny decides to speak again; he holds the bat out to Natalia.

She waves it off. "I think I've had too much excitement for tonight." She says still frowning at me like she can read my mind.

"No, you looked like you were having so much fun, you know for Rafe." I quip back trying not to flinch at my own childishness.

Natalia's frown deepens, her eyes closing to small slits.

"What about me?" Rafe comes over sitting on the table.

"Nothing buddy, you finished?" Danny says after much silence.

"Yea, my arm hurts."

"We better turn in anyway. We have a long day tomorrow."

"We?" His words break through my reeling mind.

"Yea, we," he points at him and Natalia. "We are headed to Chicago to talk to some potential donors," He raises his eyebrows.

I thought the transition would be slow. I thought I had more time to figure things out before she actually ran off with him. I thought...

"I was going to tell you. I've just been busy. I was going to tell you tonight." She tries to explain, knowing we both know she's lying.

Her phone rings as we all stand in silence. She steps away speaking to who ever it is.

"Look I'm sorry I thought she told you." Danny apologizes with a smirk on his face, like he knows he's already won.

"That was Lindsey and Brittany, Rafe's going to stay with them."

I guess I'm just the last to know everything.

I don't know if she was trying to hide it or not but I saw them hug again.

She gets into the passenger side of the car staring out the window.

I don't want to go home. I want to sulk in my hotel room. We shouldn't be stuck together with tempers so high. It could only end badly. "I was thinking-"

"Can we not…in front of Emma." She snaps before I can even finish my thought.

I put the keys in the ignition seriously thinking about just telling her to go be with him if all I do is make her angry.

I want to be angry too. I want to be angry at Natalia. I just can't. The truth is we could have been still going strong if it were not for me. I made the mistakes and now I have to fix them. The only way I know how.

The ride home was silent; I didn't even bother to turn the radio on.

But I figured out a couple of things. One, I don't want to lose my family. Two, I already have. Three, I made a promise to Natalia to make her happy and so far I have failed. I also made a promise to stick with her for as long as she wanted me, the clock seems to have ran out some time ago.

So while Natalia is downstairs I put my plan into effect, with every fiber of my body screaming to abort.

**NATALIA**

Things were going so well until last Saturday. I should have stuck with my gut feelings and just said no.

But no what do I do, I follow Olivia's lead and all of it ends up being my fault.

I don't know what else I can do. I've tried to be mad, I've tried to ignore her and our problems, I've tried acting like this summer hasn't happened, I've tried talking but nothing seems to fix any of this.

Now we are back at square one; me avoiding her and her doing what ever.

I simply don't know what to do anymore. I can't win. We can't win and I don't know what to do about it.

Danny and my mother tell me one thing, then Blake and Lindsey say another and my feeling are somewhere in the middle teetering on one side then the other.

I don't want to leave Olivia. I still love her. It would devastate our children. It would probably destroy me even more than I already am.

On the other side we aren't a couple anymore. We are two people who live in the same house. We have children together but nothing much else. We don't sleep in the same bed half of the time. We can't talk with out arguing or someone crying or walking out. So how much of a relationship is there to save.

Olivia is upstairs getting her and Emma ready for bed. I can't decide whether to go up or stay here until she is sleep.

Since Saturday she has yet to look me in the eyes. She can barely say hello or goodbye.

I think I really hurt her feelings, then again she hurt mine.

I already apologized for saying what I said and for walking out. I know leaving is never going to solve any problem but it has to be better then spouting out hurtful words.

"_Natalia are you there."_

"Yes, I'm sorry." I hold the phone up to my ear. I almost forgot I was talking to my mother.

"_Like I said Danny called and he told me he was worried about you. And I have to say I am too."_

"There is nothing to worry about." I grab the remote cutting off the television leaning back into the cushions of the couch.

"_Talia, maybe you should come and stay with me for a while."_

"That wouldn't help anything."

"_I know you. You hate to quit something but maybe it's for the best."_

"It's not."

"_There is a very wonder person waiting for you."_

"Danny."

"_Yes Danny. He is handsome, he has money, and he doesn't have addictions."_

"I can't just quit because we've hit a bump."

"_Natalia I love you."_ My mothers sighs, hopefully giving up.

"I love you too."

"_You're my only child and I can't stand to see you in such a state. Why won't you just admit that your marriage might not make it?"_

I know what she knows how I feel. I show everyone that I am fine. I go about my day like nothing has changed. In my mind I'm a wreck. What she hasn't thought of is that I have thought about that very thing. Everyday I pray that Olivia and I can somehow work this out. I pray day and night for guidance and so far nothing has been the answer. Accepting defeat is no longer one of my strong qualities and leaving Olivia is not really an option. Not a viable one. I don't think I could go through it.

"I don't know that. What I know is that I am not happy. I haven't been for a while and I don't know what to do. I don't know if things will ever change or if we can keep going because honestly I don't know where we will end up. I know this isn't either of our dreams when we said I do. But Olivia is my wife and I made a vow that I can't break. I won't do that to her or our family."

"_So you're going to continue to be unhappy for the rest of your life?"_

Before I can answer out of the corner of my eye I see Olivia standing at the foot of the couch with a duffle bag. The look on her face is one of total surrender. She looks mad and calm at the same time.

"Let me call you back." I let the phone slide from my ear. "What are you doing?"

"What you won't do." She drops the bag sitting on the couch beside me. Her eyes are red and filled with tears. Her hands shake as she takes mine. "I made a vow to you."

"Olivia don't." I already know where this speech is going. I don't want to hear it. She can't do this to us, not again.

"I promised you I would make you happy for as long as I could."

"Please stop." I pull my hands out of hers. The panic begins to rise in my chest and I can't control my breathing.

"And I broke that promise; instead I've been selfishly trying to keep you even though I knew…" She swallows loudly, letting a sob escape. "I knew you weren't happy."

I watch her try to find more words. I would contradict her but it's true. I'm not happy. That doesn't mean she can just walk out on us.

"So I'm going to go."

"No." I close the space between us hugging her close to my body. It feels good when she hugs me back.

That still doesn't stop the feeling of utter loss. It feels like a last hug. Like this is the last time I'll ever be able to hold her next to me. The last I'll feel her breathe on my neck. The last time we'll ever be a family.

I know it has only been a week or so but it feels like forever since I held her.

"Natalia." She tries to pull back but I hold on tighter.

"No Olivia, you don't get to do this." I pull back far enough to look into her eyes. "You don't get to decide. You don't."

"Natalia you just told him you're not happy." She wipes a few tears from her face. "Right now I'm the last person you want to be around."

I shake my head no. Yes I've been avoiding, still I need her here with me.

She pulls out of my hold taking my hand again. "You know it's true. You have to know I'm not doing this to hurt you."

"It feels like you are." I snap back. The rage starts to take over my mouth.

"You know that's not true." Olivia stands up sniffling back some tears. "I just want you to be happy. And if…if he makes you happy,"

"I'm not in love with him, why don't you believe me!" I jump off the couch standing toe to toe with her.

"If you aren't just think of this as a cool down period. Afterwards we can talk about our future, but in the mean time I can't be the one who keeps you in misery. But I want you to be happy with or without me."

"I can't without you."

"You can. Never forget how much I love you." She leans in kissing me the salt from our tears mingling between us.

She breaks our seal stepping back to her bag.

"Wait!" I yell, my voice vibrating through the empty house. "Why? Why do you get to make the decision? Why are you always trying to leave me? Tell me why."

"I've tried and tried to talk to you." She picks up her bag slinging it over her shoulder.

"Okay. I'm ready to talk. Let's talk." I sit on the couch patting the spot beside me.

"Why so we can scream at each other again. So we can say something in the heat of the moment and we couldn't possibly take back. I've lived in a home with silent resentment. I don't want Rafe and Emma to live like that. I don't want you to start hating me or your life."

"I won't."

"You will. All this has been building up to something I don't want us to ever turn into."

"I need you. I love you so much." I'm this close to breaking down completely. I can't even breathe let alone think past this moment. How did I let it get this far out of hand?

"That's why we need this time."

She leans down placing a kiss on my forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too." In the same breathe I push her away from me. She looks shocked but I don't care I need her to stay. "If you leave don't come back. I mean it." I growl at her. "I mean it Olivia. Right now. Right now! You either stay so we can talk or you walk out that door and never some back!"

"What would you say?"

I want to say something, I do. I can't think of anything to say or what I would say. "I-"

"I know." Olivia looks at me with hurt written all over her beauty features still she stands up and walks out of the door.

As soon as it closes as hard sob wrack my body. It hurts all over. It hurts more that her words, it hurts more that her relapse, it hurts more than the other women. It hurts.

All I can do is lie on the couch and cry. I cry until the darkness takes over my vision and I've cried my self to sleep.

**Rodney**

"Hurry up!"

"Rodney if you don't shut up I'm going to throw you down the elevator shaft." Doris punches in the code to the elevator.

I bounce on my toes behind her as the elevator starts up. I breathe in deep trying to prepare myself for the worst. It's one thing to hear about someone killing themselves but it another to see your best friend lying on the floor covered in vomit and blood. It's something I'll never forget. I see it every time I see her pop a pill or I see that look in her eyes. I just know. Sometimes I can still here her choking on her own vomit.

He doors open and I'm hot on Dory's heels as she run to the bedroom. The room is a mess, like a tornado came through. I check the bathroom and it looks about the same.

"I'm calling the police." Dory whips out her phone.

Where is she? Where are you Olivia? "Dory!" I run to the front room spying the door to the balcony open. We both run out the door looking over the rail. I almost trip of over an abandoned shoe.

I think I might vomit. I know we can't see her, it's too far and dark but I can see her in my mind.

If we had got here sooner.

"What are you looking for?" Olivia looks over my shoulder.

"Holy shit Olivia!" I turn around pulling her into a bear hug. "Sweet baby Jesus you're alive!" I feel Dory's arms circle around mine.

"What are you two talking about?!" Olivia struggles in my arms until I put her down. "Have you two been smoking?"

"No we got your text." I hold up my phone show her the message. "I'm going to do it."

Olivia walks back into the hotel. "I told you earlier that I was going to talk to Natalia and if it didn't work out I was going to leave, remember?"

"Oh yea."

Doris makes a show of closing the door and locking it. She wearing a scowl which means both of us are in trouble. I picked her up from Blake's house so she was probably in the middle of fucking. "So?"

I look at Olivia whose eyes are really red. I just knew that woman was bad news when I first met her. I knew it.

"It's over." Olivia says.

Good. "Olivia maybe-"

"Rodney, hush." Doris takes Olivia by her arms leading her to the bedroom. I follow them kicking my shoes off. I remember these sessions back in college. When either one of us had a heartbreak, overdose, or any emergency we would always have a slumber party followed by drug, alcohol, and women.

Doris climbs on the bed then Olivia and I scoot in behind her.

"Tell me what happened." Doris fluffs the pillow so we can all sit up. Olivia lean back against Doris looking at me. She's about to cry again. I know it.

I wish I had something to give her, something to help her forget about all of this.

"I told you I was going to take her out but then Danny came over and she wanted to go with him and Rafe to the batting cages. So I went and I just saw them and they looked so happy." Olivia sniffs while Doris wipes her eyes from behind.

It seems so natural I always wonder why Doris is being too stubborn to finalize it with Olivia. If it hadn't been for the party I bet we would have ended up in a co-habitation type thing. I would have two wives that brought home girl for us all to fuck. It would have been so awesome.

"I heard her on the phone and she told him she loved him. I just couldn't stay after that. I couldn't."

"What are you going to do?" I take her hand between mine. It would have been so awesome.

"I don't know. I guess we'll talk soon and find out how we'll deal with the kids."

"What about the house and cars and bank accounts?" Doris questions. Or course she would bring up the money.

"She can have it all, everything but the hotel."

Olivia can't see her but Doris is about to have a heart attack.

"I promised she would never want for anything even if we didn't work out so I want to make sure she's secure."

"Shh." I look at Doris who I know is about to say something about it. "Olivia it's going to be okay. We're not going anywhere so you people here for you."

"Anyone what something to drink?" Olivia gets up stepping over me.

"Yea I'll have some."

"While you're at it make us some popcorn we'll have a porn night." Doris keeps staring at me.

"Sure thing but no prison movies." Olivia runs out of the room.

"We can't let her do that." Doris whispers. "Natalia didn't work for any-"

"Come on Doris, if it were Blake you wouldn't set her up? It's her wife for Christ sakes. Let her handle it." I move a little closer to her. "We're all she has right now so lets not fight and try our damnest to keep her alive. I don't want to lose her and neither do you."

Doris growls at me, but she knows I'm right. And I'm sure she going to have Johnny beat me up later. "You check the bathroom and I'll check here."

It's a plan we've put in to action a few times, though I'm rusty I still know what to do. Walk into the bathroom going straight for the medicine cabinet. There are a lot of pill bottles and I have to check all of them just in case. We can't have Olivia swallowing pills.

I check each bottle removing all the pain pills. At first I was going to flush them like Doris would like but some of these pills go for a lot of money on the streets, no need for them to go to waste.

It only takes a couple of minutes for me to finish. I peek out the Doris to see where Doris is. She still in the nightstand.

"Hey Dory you finished?" I pour the pills into my sock.

"Almost."

"Okay, I'm flushing 'em okay?"

"Go ahead."

I flush the toilet twice for good measure. Act natural, act natural. I walk back into the room and slide onto the bed.

Doris retakes her place on the other side of the bed. "Nothing."

"Ready."Olivia walks in with a bowl of popcorn , a bottle of JD and three glasses.

I look at Doris. I would love a drink right now.

Olivia stands by the bed holding the items up. "Its apple juice. Just seeing the label and bottle helps. A girl can dream right."

"Give it." Dory takes the bottle taking at big swig then grimacing. "That's pure syrup."

Olivia jumps onto the bed.

"Our deal still stand even if you two are not together."

"Okay." Olivia settles between us.

"I'm serious Olivia." Doris takes the bottle out of her hands. "I swear I'll have you committed if you don't continue to go to therapy."

"Okay, I promise." Olivia passes me a glass.

Dory pours all of us a good amount.

"Cheers," Olivia holds up her glass. "To getting what we all deserve."

"I'll drink to that."

**NATALIA**

I couldn't leave it like Olivia left it. I have to talk to her.

I have Emma in tow. I was going to drop her off at the daycare but I had to stop here first. I have to see her and tell her I wasn't talking to Danny.

I wasn't until I woke up that I noticed how it might have sounded to her. I need to tell her she was wrong. I'm not in love with Danny, I love her.

"Mama!" Emma pulls her hand out of mine. "My hand hurts."

"I'm sorry baby." I pick her up. "Mama is so sorry, for everything."

"For making mommy cry?"

"Yes baby, I made mommy cry and that makes me want to cry." I hug her to me.

Emma kisses my cheek and pats my head. "Feel better?"

"Yes baby that always makes me felt better."

The elevator opens and I sit Emma on her feet. She runs into the spare bedroom.

I swallow my pride and straighten my back. We need this. I stroll into the bedroom and the sight pushes the air out of my chest.

Olivia is lying in Doris's arms her head buried in her chest. A chest that is only covered by a bra no shirt. Rodney is behind Olivia with his arms around both women. Apparently his shirt has walked away too. Olivia has a shirt but no pants, but in her hand she loosely grips a bottle of Jack Daniels. Three cups sit on the night stand.

If this how she going to spend her days, fine. She can drink her life away. I don't have to have a front row seat.

I walk out find Emma watching television. "Emma lets go."

"But what about mommy?" Emma turns the television off taking my hand.

I don't answer as we step onto the elevator. I don't know.

**OLIVIA**

Another hour of sitting in the cold office staring out the window sounds like a blast. But that's how much time is left.

"So we have another hour left."

"Don't remind me."

"Sorry but I must." He shrugs his shoulders. "I think you know what that means." John stretches his leg out placing it back on his knee.

"How can you sit like that for so long?"

"Let's not change the subject. Let's talk about how you've been sleeping?"

"Fine, I guess fine but the dream seems to be none stop."

"Same one?"

"Yea, it's the same one."

"Okay tell me what you remember from last night."

Last night was horrible, I woke up sweating with the taste of vomit in my mouth. I'm pretty sure I was screaming before I woke up. Doris and Rodney helped me until I fell back to sleep. They're the only reason I haven't relapsed. The urge to drink is strong even if it's just to pass out.

"Um it was dark like usual. Although I could see the room pretty well everyone were still shadows mostly. They never stopped moving long enough to for me to get a good look at them." My throat suddenly becomes dry and tight. "Something or someone was holding me down and I felt the weight of someone on top of me until I can't breathe."

Even in my sleep I feel the sheer terror and panic burning my lungs.

"Take a breath."

I realize I'm starting to hyperventilate.

"Breathe slowly."

I try to concentrate on blowing air in and out.

"Better?"

"If you say so." I take a sip out of the glass in from of me.

"Continue when you are ready."

"All I can remember is being held down and out of nowhere Natalia is there looking at me. She's hovering over us. I try to cover my body from her but I can't move my arms or legs. I want to say something but my voice is gone. Then I can't see anything. And all I can think of is how disappointed she must be."

"What happens next?"

"The pressure on my chest gets heavier but I can't see who's holding me down."

"Do they say anything?"

"No but that scares me to the core. I beg them not to… I beg them. It happens every night they don't stop, they don't." I wish it would rain right now.

"Okay, that's good. And I think I have a solution for you."

"I didn't know dreams had solutions."

"Some do and I think yours does. This particular dream didn't come about until you and Natalia started acting out your fantasies, correct."

"She was in them."

"Okay so what I want you to do is to think about your dream before you go to sleep."

"I'll never get to sleep."

"You will it will just take time. Anyhow I want you think about it before you sleep. The first time you see Natalia I want you to scream the first thing that comes to your mind, even if you feel like you can't talk I want you to try to scream. While you are thinking I also want you to think about what it is that you are trying to say but can't."

"I don't understand how I can control my dream. If that were the case I wouldn't be having this dream in the first place."

"It's your mind conjuring these things. It's your dream so take control of it."

"That is your solution! Take control of my dream!"

"Yes, what did you expect?"

"I don't know."

"The simple answer is usually the right answer."

"Simple."I mumble it under my breath. Keeping it simple is hard.

**Rafe**

Brittany was right. I shouldn't have said anything to Ma. Even when she was unhappy with Olivia she wasn't this sad. She hardy says anything. Not even Danny can cheer her up.

I'm starting to hate him too. Just yesterday I had to cuss his out because he tried to spank Emma. No one is touching my sister. It don't matter what she did to his car. Fuck his car.

I wish I would have taken a picture of his face when I told him to go fuck himself. It was priceless.

Olivia would have done the same thing. She would have cussed his out good, made him cry.

"Hey Rafe!" Emma skips into my room even thought I've told her so many times she can't some in.

"Get out." I point to the door.

"No." She smile holding onto her doll.

"I'm serious Emma. Brit is going to call me and I don't want you in here, now get out."

"But I want you to call Mommy for me."

"Why? She left us. She don't like us and she ain't coming back."

Emma immediately starts to cry. Dad wouldn't take this type of shit. She would straighten her out. There's no whining in life.

"Stop crying." I watch her in disgust. "Stop fucking crying already." I scream in her face. "If our dad were here he would fucking kill you. You can't keep crying over everything. Be a man."

Emma starts to cry louder. I cover her mouth with my hand. "I'm serious."

She slowly nods. I move my hand pushing her towards the door.

"Who is he?"

"What?"

"Our dad?"

"He was an asshole who hit our Ma until Olivia shot him in the face."

"Nuh uh."  
"Yea I was there she shot him in the face for crying and if you keep on she'll do the same to you."

"I'm telling!"

Before she makes it out of the door I snatch her doll. She stops dead in her track. "Give it back."

I tear the head of the doll half way off its shoulder watching her face drop. I push it into her arms. "If you say anything about me I'll kill all your dolls and burn them." I push her out the door and slam it in her face.

Fuck! I shouldn't have done that, it's not her fault Olivia's an asshole. None of this would have happened if she wouldn't have made me go to camp. I wouldn't have let her go with Aunt Doris or that asshole Rodney. None of it would have happened it I was here.

My phones rings and I pick it up immediately. "What'd you find?" I jump on to my bed lying down with my hand behind my head.

"You sure you want to know it pretty messed."

"Come on Brittany stop playing and just tell me what you found out."

"I went through Lindsey's file and saw that Olivia was…raped."

"What!" No way. Olivia wouldn't take that shit.

"In college, some guy drugged and raped her and then he turned up dead."

Fuck what the hell is going on! No body told me anything. "What about what Daisy said?"

"I didn't see anything but I heard Jaime and Lindsey talking. I think it was pretty bad. If she didn't die she came damn close from a drug overdose."

"You think she was mad…"

"Mad at what?"

Me. I should have stayed. She wanted me to stay instead I had to go to camp. If I would have stayed she would've been okay.

"Maybe she had a flashback."

"A flashback?" Maybe she's right. Ma is always kissing on Olivia. Maybe she wants sex and Olivia doesn't. I should have run interference.

"PTSD."

"I'll call you back." I walk out of my room to Emma's. I always promised Olivia o would take care of her. "Emma?"

She jumps off her bed running to her dolls to protect them.

"Naw, naw. I just came to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or hurt Susie."

She looks up at me not believing me.

"For real. I'm sorry." I hold my arms outs and she hugs me.

"Didn't Mommy kill our daddy?"

I kneel down to get eye level with her. "No but he real did hit Ma and made her cry all the time. Olivia saved us. She saved you when I couldn't."

"How?"

"I'll tell you one day but for now we got to stick together. Me and you."

"Okay."

I don't know how she can forgive so fast. I'd fucking kill someone if they broke my shit. "Here." I take Susie. "I'll fix her and I'll buy you some clothes for her."

"Will you play with me too?"

"Yea but only for a few minute I got some stuff to do later."

"I love you." She hugs me again.

"Yea yea yea. Come on."

"Let's play hide and go seek."

"Fine." I put my hands over my eyes. "One, two, three." She takes off running but she's easy to find with al her giggling and laughing.

**OLIVIA**

I've been pacing outside of Dr. Baker's office for the better half of an hour just trying to figure out how to say three simple words. The shortest sentences are the hardest to say.

I'm so used to hearing them directed at me, it's going to be hard to articulate them. They sound foreign even in my head.

I might as well get this over with at least he has helped me. I didn't lose any money nor did I lose any sleep. As a matter of fact I think last night was the first night in a week I've slept through the night.

FUCK! I'm already 30 minutes late.

I walk into Dr. Baker's office head held high.

"You're late."

"You were right." I blurt out plopping down on the couch.

His head snaps up from his paperwork with a wide grin showing his missing molar. "Come again."

"You heard me."

"But just like you I need to hear it again." He cups his hand behind his ear. "Say it in my good ear."

Fucking asshole. "You…were…right."

"Ah, it's like a soothing melody."

"Asshole."

"Hm. So tell me what I was right about." He leans back in his office chair.

He has the nerve to gloat and he doesn't even know what he was right about. Asshole. "The dream."

"So you took control."

"I don't know about taking control but I was able to finally speak."

"What did you say, but start from the beginning."

"Well it started the same." I'm so excited I can't even stay still. This day just keeps getting better. "I'm being held down then I see Natalia so I close my eyes and just screamed and it was like I heard my voice for the first time."

"What did you hear?"

There is the kicker, I expected a 'help me' or a loud 'no' but none of the above was said, "I trust you."

John smiles, nodding his head. "Keep going."

"I felt it clear as day, she put something in my hand."

"What was it?"

"It was a key, like a small key."

"That's good."

"I looked up and saw I was cuffed so I undid the cuffs and she helped me up."

"So what did you take from that dream."

"Once again you were right." I roll my eyes. "I have been distrusting of her. Just maybe it means I've been hesitant to ask for help and even more so with Natalia, because, if I stretch my imagination, I'd have to say I haven't been completely honest with her, which she probably knows."

"Right."

"It very well might be the reason she feels that she can't trust me beside all the lies I've told already."

"Good."

"Bottom line, I should trust her more with my thought and feelings."

"Correct, I would clap for you but I've been telling you this since we met and I'm sure she has hit on the same subject so it is nice of you to catch up with the rest of us."

"You're mean."

"You're not paying me to be your friend."

"I'm not paying you at all."

"Correct again." He touches his nose with his index finger.

"But when I think about it…"

"No don't think about it. The number one problem I see in your relationship is trust. You don't trust her enough not to look down on you if she knows your past. She might not trust you because you don't tell her everything. She knows you tell Doris and Rodney everything but she is left to sit and wait until you deem it necessary."

"No I just want to fix it first so she doesn't have to worry about it. She already has so much on her plate."

"I'm sure you've convinced yourself of that statement but that is not the truth and you know it. What is it going to take for you to trust her?"

I think about the question for a second. "What would it take?" I've think I've taken great steps to let her into my mind. "I invited her to my meeting in which she stood me."

"Okay so you let down your guard just a little and it backfired."

"I wanted to tell her then."

"Why?"

"Because I knew if I didn't we wouldn't make it and we didn't."

"That's because you walked out."

"Because if I had stayed it would have gotten worse. She wasn't happy. I tried but it didn't work and I didn't want her to feel trapped with me like she did with Nicholas. So I left."

"Do you know why she might have felt trapped?'

"Because of my actions. I flinch when she touches me, I wake her up in the middle of the night, I'm constantly crying, for god sakes I'm seeing two therapists and I'm still no better."

"She doesn't have many options."

"That's why I left."

"Leaving her with fewer options."

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

"She can't read your mind so she relies on you to tell her what you want and how you feel about any and everything."

"But I don't know what I want sometimes. That's why I keep it to myself until I can figure it out, like now I don't know if I want sex or just a kiss. I don't know if I want to just cuddle or something more and every time I do think I want more…" My voice cracks and catches. It so frustrating to try to say these things I cry just thinking about it.

"Voice it."

"I get anxious."

"Of what?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do. If you can't tell me in the privacy of our sessions then how are you going to tell Natalia? How do you expect her to know?"

"I know I need to tell Natalia, I know that. The first step is admitting it to myself."

"Say it out loud."

Every muscle in my jaw begins to tighten in rebellion. Since I joined the Wolfe Pack the number one no no in life was to admit fear.

"It might make you feel better."

The nerve under my eye begins to jump in anticipation.

"Fear is to be conquered."

The tears begin to sting the back of my eye.

"I know Natalia believes in you or she wouldn't have stuck around so long."

"I'm afraid…if I say no she might not stop and…"

"And?"

"I wouldn't hurt Natalia, I couldn't."

"The flip side to that is?"

The flip side? The other side of a two way mirror. "I might enjoy it."

"Good." John sits back almost too satisfied with himself.

I feel like is should receive a cookie or some treat. "Good? How is that in anyway, shape or form good? I'm scared of my own wife."

"Because now we can discuss the difference."

"I know the difference."  
" But do you understand it."

"I'm not stupid I know and understand the difference."

"I can see you are getting defensive so take a second."

"Fuck you."

"Building walls is constrictive not constructive. Now listen close while I explain this to you then you can go."

"What?"

"Being excited about sexual play that includes restraints is not the same as wanting to be assaulted."

I simply look away. Feels the same.

"I'm going to give you a little homework."

"You know I'm spending the weekend with my children."

"It won't take too long. When you see Natalia I want you to apologize for not trusting her. Then I want you to show her all the things you've been doing to stay clean, sign–in sheets, drug test, and certificates."

"I've tried but she won't even stop to listen or look at my certificates."

"Try harder. You can get all of this today so you can show her when she drops your children off. After that I want you to let her speak without interruptions or explanations from you. You show you trust her by following her lead. And trust that after she has said what she needs to say and you voice your fear, trust that she will be there and not judge you."

"I do."

"You don't but I believe after you talk you will be a step closer. And from what I gather her support won't wavered much."

"I know but…"

"You and I both know that a mind altered by drugs and alcohol can perceive simple gestures as threatening."

"Yea."

"So I want you to try and think back to everything she did during your relapse and compare them to how it felt then and how it might have felt if you were sober. I want all this in the form of a letter, explaining it and how you felt and feel now." John scribbles in his notebook. "Include copies of you progress. That way when she's ready she'll understand."

"That's a big assignment."

"It is but it will clear the majority of your problems."

"To just trust Natalia."

"Trust in yourself and your wife."

"Thank you."

"Let's move on to your arrangement with Natalia."

"We talked on the phone yesterday. She's going to let me keep Rafe and Emma on the weekends."

"That's good. Small steps. Use this weekend to reconnect with the people who have also been affected and might not understand it all."

"I plan to. I really want to talk to Rafe. I realize I have been neglecting him in this whole situation. We used to spend some much time together. I miss that."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it. A little alone time can help a lot."

I wonder if I did the right thing, because it doesn't feel like it. I hope a little space will help Natalia. This little space is killing me.

Right now I have to focus on getting better and Rafe and Emma. Hopefully Rafe will somewhat understand and if he doesn't this weekend will be good for us to talk. It would be nice not to have him on Danny's side even if he isn't on mine.

There they go!

Natalia's car is pulls up in front of the hotel as soon as she gets out of the car I want to run to her. I want to hug her, I want to beg to come back home. I want to beg for her forgiveness and promise I'll never leave the house if she doesn't want me to. I can't make those promises because I know I'll just break them. Especially if nothing has changed between us. Empty promises are a thing of the past. I'm committed to fixing me so I can be the best thing for her and our kids, not some drugged up whore.

I stand anxious with the letter in my hand. This is everything, hopefully she'll understand and it will open the door to us talking again.

Natalia gets Emma out of the car before coaxing Rafe out too.

He doesn't look happy and I can't blame him. As far as he knows I abandoned them to live at my hotel.

I am confident I can change that in the next two days. I have movies, popcorn, pizzas and games ready for an all night party.

Emma tries her hardest to push open the heavy glass door. Natalia helps her, letting her think she did it on her own.

As soon as she is clear of the door Emma runs full speed jumping into my arms.

"Bear hug!" She screams in my ear.

I squeeze my youngest child to my chest until I can't breathe. I really think I could cry right now. "I missed you."

"I love you." Emma clutches to me as I settle her on my hip.

"How are you doing Rafe?"

"Fine." He shuffles over to where we are standing slumped over.

"Okay." I put Emma on the floor. "Why don't you take Emma upstairs and get settled in. I have a lot of things planned for us this weekend." I try to sound enthusiastic maybe it will rub off on him.

Rafe just rolls his eyes before taking his sister's hand.

I wait until they are safely on the elevator before turning back to Natalia.

Dr. John was right. I need to show Natalia I trust her. The second best way to do that is to tell her. I need to let her know I will follow her lead and trust she will guide us in the right direction.

"Emma has a rash on her arm, so make sure she doesn't scratch it. Her cream is in her backpack. And make sure they eat their vegetables." Natalia rambles looking at the floor then out side.

"Sure." We both stand not sure what to say to one another.

"You want to stay for a little while. I have plenty of food ordered and some games upstairs."

"I can't I'm having dinner with someone."

"Oh." My heart drops at the thought of her actually going out with Danny on a real date. I know I told her to do it, I was hoping she wouldn't.

A flash of guilt plays across her features, maybe there is still hope. "Well…have fun. I'll be back Sunday at 5."

"I'll call you tonight so they can say goodnight." If the date goes too well maybe they'll interrupt something. With any luck there won't be anything to interrupt.

"That would be great. Thank you." Natalia shifts to her other foot.

"I don't want this to be awkward and I feel like the longer I wait the more we drift apart. So I wrote this letter for you explaining a lot. I understand if you don't want to read it now but it might shine some light on things." I hand her the letter. "And I want you to know I still love you but I know you need-" Before I can finish my babble Natalia is kissing me and not just any kiss, full tongue.

I take hold of her to balance myself. Her hands tangle in my hair pulling me closer.

As suddenly as it started it ends. Natalia pulls out of my grip. She clears her throat, back peddling.

"5 Sunday." She turns around walking quickly out of the doors.

What the hell was that? What ever it was I want more. I want more? I want more. Wow. I want more and there is not feeling of guilt or shame. Natalia kissed me and I didn't have any flash backs or even hesitate to let her. All those feelings of humiliation and weakness have mostly been associated with not trusting my own wife to respect the word no, because no one else does. That's another break through but today was good. Things are really looking up.

I just know when she reads that letter everything will fall into place. She'll know why and how and I'll have opened myself up to her even if it wasn't in person.

I try to gather myself on the ride upstairs.

I guess it means something when I am feeling these things for Natalia with just a kiss. There is hope for us to have a normal relationship that could maybe involve sex. Hell maybe Natalia is the cure for all my fears. Just knowing I can give her control and still have it is…god I can't even describe how I feel just thinking about it. To actually do it, right now I think I could. I could let her take the lead and have the control over me and not feel dirty or helpless, because I know she would stop, she would be there for me in the morning if any old feeling would arise.

Trust something I've always have problems with, I'm finally seeing it for what it is. I could totally do this trust thing.

**NATALIA**

I walk into Lindsey's office for our scheduled dinner. This is the first night Rafe and Emma will be spending with Olivia. I need to get out a little to clear my mind, what better way than to go out with friends. That's was newly single women do, right?

"Hi, Cathy." I wave at her receptionist.

I continue into her office going straight to my favorite chaise. "How was your day?"

"Unusually smooth." Lindsey leans back in her office chair staring at me.

"That's good." I relax back trying not to look her in the eyes. The way she is looking at me is unsettling.

"I can't go to dinner with you."

That's not what I expected to hear nevertheless I don't like it. "Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Because." Lindsey gets up walking around her desk. "I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" I sit up knowing exactly where this conversation is going.

"You think I'm a good friend. Do you trust my judgments?"

"Of course, you and Blake are my best friends." I feel like this is the 'it's me not you' speech. I can't take another break up.

"I want you to listen to me." She sits on the edge of her desk. "I have sitting by for three months while you self destruct your relationship with Olivia."

"Lindsey, please." With what just happen I don't have the energy for this conversation.

"No Natalia. I can't stand by silent any longer."

I stand up holding my hand up in surrender. "Lindsey please Olivia just moved out and I just drop our kids off to spend the weekend with her. So what ever you have to say can wait for another day."

"And why do you think she did that?"

"You think I wanted her to move out! You think that was my plan?"

"You didn't exactly do much to stop her."

"Oh so it my fault, you know I'm getting really tired of everyone telling me what I need to do and how this is my fault."

"Then why don't you stop playing the victim."

"Victim?"

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that." Lindsey holds up her hand in surrender.

"No Lindsey, explain to me how I am playing the victim card."

She stays silent.

"As far as I am concerned I'm the only one that is trying to find some sort of normalcy. I've been trying to move past this, to forgive and forget."

"Is that what you call this little act? It certainly doesn't look like forgive and forget, it seems more like avoidance."

"Yes at first but that was only until I was sure."

"Sure about what?"

I roll my eyes at Lindsey. I don't even know why I am still here arguing with my best friend about my wife.

"If its not avoidance why didn't you go to Olivia's meeting like I told you to. Why couldn't you seem to make it home on time? Why on God's green Earth do you have to be out of the bed before she even knows you're there? Why Natalia!"

"I told you I wasn't sure!" I yell back at her turning from her.

"Sure about what?'

"I wasn't sure I could handle it." I feel Lindsey's eyes burning a hole through my back pleading for me to continue. "I wasn't sure what I was feeling or who I hated more, myself or Olivia. And then she left and I realized I never hated Olivia; I just didn't like the things she did. So I realized it was me with the problem. I had a moment of truth when I was begging Olivia to stay. I asked myself why in the world I would beg her to stay after this summer. I couldn't for the life of me find an answer but I knew at that moment it didn't matter." I laugh at myself; I have to laugh to keep from crying. "It wouldn't have mattered if Olivia had hit me, it wouldn't have mattered if I had caught her with Lily, because truthfully I would still have taken her back. And I thought to myself how pathetic is that that Olivia could turn into Nicky and I would still want to be with her. My breath would still catch when she's close to me. I would still go home everyday even if it meant being abused or if she continued to use drugs and drink. That was all I could think about was how whatever Olivia did I would probably stay with her. How can I tell these women that look up to me that they deserve better when I am willing to stay with a woman who is on this cycle of drugs and drinking. How could I possibly tell them to leave when I won't?"

"Oh sweetie."

"NO." I hold me hands up to stop Lindsey from approaching. "That's what I wanted to be sure of. I wanted to protect myself but I couldn't keep those walls up and I'm so scared this cycle is going to continue. And what do I tell Rafe and Emma. There will come a time when Emma will understand everything. They are going to ask question and I don't know what to say. All I know is, I love Olivia and I want to be with her but I don't know if I should. But I feel like an asshole because I still want her, even went my heart is not in it my body aches for her."

"That's okay Natalia. You don't have all the answers. All you can do is try finding some guidance, but this avoidance and whatever else is not going to work." She puts her hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. "I know it's frustrating but the worst thing you can do right now is make a permanent decision."

"You're right I need to sit down with Olivia. I need to see her while I feel like talking. I forgot to give Emma her blanket anyway."

"No you don't, not until you have calmed down and started to sort through some of your feeling a little more. Everyone is emotional right now and I know it's going to sound crazy but I want you to go home to be by yourself. I don't want you to talk to Olivia or see her."

"I feel fine."

"Don't lie to yourself."

"Fine I'm not okay. I want Olivia back and at the same time I don't. I want to know something concrete. I want to know if we should be together or just let it go."

"Exactly you need to think things through so you can uncomplicated it for yourself with out influence. You come up with the answer not Olivia."

"She was the one who said it was over and maybe that is a good things that she took it out of my hands because I don't think I would have ever done it."

"But is that what you wanted?"

"Yes…no. She was right, I wasn't happy. She wasn't happy. Then again I felt better when she was around, even if we weren't talking or when I held her at night. Anytime I didn't think about it, it was like old times."

"That's what you want?"

"Of course but I can't deny the fact that Olivia cheated with those woman. Do you know just how many times I've listened to those messages from Cindy, Rachel, Ashley, Jessica, Kennedy, Tara and Beverly?"

"Natalia calm down."

"No Lindsey she cheated on me then yelled at me and there was nothing I could do. Do you know how that made me feel? I felt worthless, like some plaything. Who knows what if we get back together and she does it again. She knows. She even told me I wasn't going to leave her and she was right. She probably already knows she can do just about anything and I'll still be there."

"She was probably high."

"It doesn't matter, it's the truth and it hurts that she was used that against me."

"Natalia."

"No you wanted to talk so let's talk. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner even when in the back of my mind I knew. I knew something was wrong and I wanted so much to believe Olivia that I shut off my rational side."

"Don't. Like I said I know you are mad and you feel like you don't have much control over your relationship but what you are doing is not going to help."

"I know."

"Then try something else. Don't be so stubborn that you wait until everything is gone before you act. If you were anyone else I would have my doubts about you being able to change but you aren't. I know you can break this stalemate and be the bigger person."

"I have to go."  
"Natalia please think about this."

"I am, goodbye." I walk out of her office on fire. It one of those moment when I just want to hurt something. I want to stop this merry go round of emotions. I want my life back or to start again.

Maybe Olivia was right. Maybe I should try with Danny, but I know that would be just to spite her. That wouldn't be fair to Danny and it would hurt her which would hurt me.

It always comes back to Olivia. She is the reason I feel this way and refuses to tell me why.

That isn't fair to me.

**OLIVIA**  
So things aren't progressing as fast as I would have liked. I expected this from the beginning. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in myself to that it took me so long to realize what I needed to do.

I need to focus on all my relationships especially the ones with my children.

All day Rafe has barely spoken three words time. Everything is a grunt or a shoulder shrugs. But that changes right now.

If I could just figure out what his is angrier about; me relapsing, missing his parents day at camp, me coming back, or me moving out. It's a long list of me fucking up in his eyes.

Then again I might be putting too much on his shoulders. He is a child he might not even know what to be angry about he just know he's angry.

Then again I might be underestimating him. He has to have heard the rumors or the arguments. He's not Emma, he would understand why his Ma was sad. He would know that his life, family and happiness were broken because of my irresponsibility. He has to know I have an addiction that has torn all of our lives apart.

The least I can do is talk to him like he is an adult.

The worst that could happen is him still hating me. And if he still wants to go home I won't stop him. If he hears both sides of the story and still feels the same way then I won't make him spend time with me if he doesn't want to. I understand he will probably be angry for some time, hopefully we'll be able to resume a part of the relationship that we had.

With Emma already down and Rodney gone I let Rafe stay up a little later then usual.

I'm not nervous just well…nervous. Since I first meet Rafe he has been my shadow and now I don't know if our relationship can withstand my mistakes and his angst years.

I enter the living room where Rafe is still watching cartoons. I can tell he is trying hard not to look in my direction.

I sit down on the other side of the couch. We remain quiet for the rest of the cartoon in which I have no ideal what is going on.

It looks like another episode is about to come on but I cut the television off if only to stop myself from having a seizure from the explosions and colors.

Rafe starts to get off the couch.

"Sit down." I order him instead of asking.

He huffs, puffing out his small chest before plopping back onto the couch. He hangs his head with a deep frown on his face.

"Look at me."

He glances at me out the side of his eyes.

"I want to talk to you about what's been going on with this family." I turn facing him. "I realized that I haven't taken the time to sit down and explain things. I understand if you have questions or concerns. All this is happening pretty fast."

He remains quiet his fist balled by his leg.

"Okay so I'll talk, you listen." I clear my throat wondering just how much I should reveal. "Well I um…As you may know I have a drug problem. I quit but while you were away I relapsed. I did them again. It wasn't anyone's fault especially not yours or your mothers or Emma's. It was mine. I let my addiction take control of my life and that kept me from doing what I was supposed to do. And I'm sorry."

He leans back staring at the blank television.

"I was very sick and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come see you at camp. I know it must have been a shock when you came home and I wasn't there."

He finally turns looking at me with tears in his eyes. "Didn't care."

I let it roll off my back. I can remember I said the same thing to people at that age who tried to help me. "I want you to know that I'm better now and that you will always be my son. I will always love you, even if you decide you want nothing to do with me. I understand if you want to go home, I won't stop you."

He looks off for a split second sitting up straight.

"I realized that you are growing up and you might hear and understand things that might be upsetting." I pause for a response. "So if you have any questions you want to ask or just tell me how you feel about everything I'm listening. Go ahead and vent."

The first tear rolls down his face.

"Rafe if there is anything-" Before I can finish Rafe jumps in my lap wrapping his arms around my neck so tight I can't breathe.

"Rafe, son." I try to pry his arms loose, only managing to loosen his hold.

"No." His hold tightens again. "Daisy said you died." He cries into my ear.

"Wait, wait." I finally get some room between us still keeping him in my arms, obviously he needs this. "Who said what?"

Rafe lays his head in the crook of my neck mumbling. "Daisy said you died and it was my fault and Ma wouldn't say why you didn't come to camp."

I hold him while he cries until I'm sure he's done.

"Rafe." I pull off my shoulder. "I was sick and I was in the hospital but it had nothing to do with you or your mother." I don't know how to explain it to him. "As you may have heard I have a problem with drugs."

He nods his head.

"I had to go to the hospital for retreatment but I felt like I would do better at a previous place I got better at. That's why I went away. I went away to get better for you and your mother. One day I'll tell you all about it but now let's just say I over did it."

"But you didn't answer my calls."

I decide to lie because half of the time was my fault and the other was Doris's. She knew I couldn't talk them and she kept me away from the phone. "I couldn't, there you can't have any visitors or calls because the people there don't think it will help in recovery."

"Like that show rehab?"

"Yes." I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "I would do anything to go back in time but I can't. All I can do now is say I am sorry, which I am." I look him in his brown eyes. "I am so sorry that I messed up your summer and I'm even sorrier that you had to go through this. I still love you and you're still my son."

He leans against me in silence. "I'm sorry I broke you and Ma up."

I squeeze his growing shoulders. "You didn't Rafe I did that all by myself and I don't want you to worry about your Ma and I. We'll work it out sooner or later and if we don't just know that we love you all the same."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you start again?"

I clear my throat. "In my past…I was raped."

He bolts up looking at me in horror.

"I was…" I swallow the huge lump in my throat. "Someone raped me and something made me think about it while you and you're mother were away and I couldn't cope so I started to take drugs again." As bad as that felt I don't know why I couldn't do that with Natalia too.

"I'm sorry." He puts his head in my lap.

"Me too." I comb my finger though his thick hair, it doesn't take long before he's asleep. Some how I manage to cradle him in my arms and put him into bed, but my back and shoulders pay the price. I guess that the last time I get to do that.

**NATALIA**

I don't know what I'm doing here, I honestly don't. I promised myself I wouldn't come here not like this not when I want something that I can't have, that I shouldn't have. But here I am standing in the lobby of her hotel holding Emma's favorite blanket that she left at home.

Sometimes she won't sleep without it.

I glance at my watch again. God its 2 a.m. on a Saturday night I should be sleep, yet I'm here. I know if Emma wasn't sleep by now Olivia would have called me to bring the stupid blanket, but than again we haven't been on the best terms.

I take a deep breathe fully intending on turning around and going home, anywhere but here, instead I find myself watching the doors of the elevator close. I see my hand punch in the code for the penthouse.

I clutch the blanket closer to my chest. This is stupid and wrong. I shouldn't be here. The kids are fine with Olivia for two nights without my having to check up on them.

I'll just give Olivia the blanket just in case Emma wakes up in the middle of the night needing it. It's happened before and it could happen again. It would be irresponsible as a person and a mother not to deliver my baby's blanket. Just because she spent the first night without it doesn't mean she won't need it tonight.

The elevator moves faster than I've ever felt it. Before I know it the doors are opening back up.

I take a step off noting the messiness of the living room. There is popcorn everywhere and game cases thrown over everything. Soda cans and pizza boxes litter the floor.

"Natalia?" Olivia steps out the master bedroom, her hair disheveled and her pajamas wrinkled.

"Hi."

She perks up immediately waking herself up. In a few stride she across the room standing in front of me. I don't know if she is trying to hide the mess or what. "Um, what are you doing here, is everything okay?"

Is everything okay? Of course everything is not okay. I had to drop my children off for a weekend visit with my ex wife who seems to think it is okay for them to party all night on soda and pizza when she knows I have been trying my darnest to instill in them a healthy diet. I just drove 20 minutes to give my daughter a blanket that I know she probably won't need. Before that I was sitting in my house, the lovely house that we both picked out thinking about how lonely I am now that my wife is not there. And I thought about how lonely life is and how much worse it is going to get when Rafe moves out or Emma starts having sleepovers or camping trips with the girl scouts.

I want to scream the words at her; instead I take a calming breath. "Everything is fine I just came to give Emma her blanket just in case she couldn't sleep." I hold up the purple and sliver blanket.

"Oh, um , well thank you."

I pass her the blanket, feeling very out of place. This is her home now and they are her children too. Its weird how a few months ago everything was ours but now it mine or hers. Hers excludes me out of everything, and mine is everything except her.

I should go. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. It was only out of a moment of shame and pity for myself that I even got in the car to begin with.

"Good night." I say to her taking a step back. Lindsey told me about these moments and that the best thing for me to be is alone. So I'm going to go be alone so I can think clearly.

I turn away from her pressing the button franticly feeling Olivia still behind me.

"Wait."

I clench my jaw in an effort to make myself not turn around.

"Its kind of late you could stay here. I'll sleep on the couch."

"No thank you." It's like she is trying to tempt me to do the wrong thing. I'm trying to make this night right. I'm leaving because I never should have come here. So leave me alone.

"Maybe just coffee?" I feel my resolve break just a little at her childishly unsure voice because before I would have taken her in my arms and assured her she had nothing to worry about.

"I'm fine." Where the hell is the elevator?

"Your right, you should be trying to sleep not stay up, as a matter of fact I think am out of coffee anyway."She forces herself to laugh.

"Maybe a rain check." I hold the button down wishing and praying of this damn thing to show up.

"No I get it; you still can't stand being around me. I know but I wanted to let you know I'm doing so much better. Did you read the letter?"

I ignore the first part of her speech. I forgot about the letter, I don't even know where I put it. "Yes."

"Good, good." The drawers to the desk rattle behind me. "Look, I did everything you asked. I got my 60 and 90 day certificate for being clean. I have a copy of the sign-in sheet from my group meetings and my private sessions. I even have hospital records. I go for drug test; they even make me blow into the breathalyzer. They take hair and draw blood samples every week so I have proof. See."

I hear the paper crunch behind me.

"If you could give me a second so you can look at them…just one second, please."

I hear the tremble in her voice and instantly I know she is crying behind me because lately that is all we do around each other.

"I still love you. I've really missed you and I'm trying…for you, for us."

That's it. I twirl around so fast I almost lose my balance but I'm on a mission. I look into her watery eyes as she hugs the papers.

I know this is wrong; what I am about to do is wrong on so many levels but I need it. After all I think this is what I really came for…her.

"Olivia." I step so close to her we share the same air.

"Please, just look at them." She thrust the papers in my hand and for a second I pretend to read them, when really they're nothing but lines and doodles all swirling around on a white background. In the end I throw the papers to the side. I don't need to see them; I don't really care about them at the moment.

I place her arms around my neck sliding my hands around her waist.

She looks completely surprised, bewildered by my action and I have to say I am a little too. The voice that was yelling at me to leave is also stunned into silence. I hear it release a sad sigh before receding.

I need a few minute of uncomplicated time; just a few minutes of not thinking about emotions or past feelings. I don't want to think about the future or the past I just want now with the woman I swore to spend the rest of my life with. If I could just have that just for tonight I could think more clearly later. "Anytime I want?" I repeat her words from the past. I want to take them back when I see the hope multiple in her eyes.

With the widest smile I've seen in a while she nods her head, pulling me closer. I can feel her heart beating out of her chest. "I'm yours." The whisper is so soft against my lips it sends a shiver to through my body.

And that's when I feel it, the loathing for myself but as far as I'm concern we've crossed that line of no return. I can't stop myself if I wanted to, I do but I don't. I want to make her mine again. I want to take her right here and right now, but it's what comes after that is what I don't want. I'm not ready for us again. I can't promise her a lifetime. I can't promise anything after tonight.

I know I am going to hate myself even more in the morning as will she and maybe it's for the best. One last time to prove that it's over, break up sex. That's what I need, I need to fill her one last time. I need her to feel me one more time.

"Did you hear me?" She pulls back trying to look in my eyes, but I look away. "I'm yours."

I focus on the door to the room I know our children are sleeping, trying to talk reason to myself. But I can't, she's standing too close, my nerves are on edge and I think I might explode if I don't get what I want right now. So I pretend to be deaf. I don't hear what she has to say.

Instead I walk her backwards to the bedroom locking the door behind us. Slowly I lay her on the bed opening her shirt one button at a time. I lay down on top of her feeling her body mold into mine, so perfectly.

Her hand slips under my shirt pulling it over my head. "You're beautiful." She whispers tugging at my jeans. "I'm here with you." She says almost in awe.

Without thinking I shed the rest of my clothing pulling her pants down and throwing them where ever they may land.

As soon as our naked bodies touch she moans smiling up at me. I wonder if she would still be smiling if she knew what was going to happen in the morning. I wonder if she would agree to a night of meaningless sex with me just to… to what? Stroke my ego? Give me closure? To hurt her like she hurt me?

I worship her body like I always have inch by inch, stroke by stroke. Until I have her on the very edge of bliss. Her nails dig into my back as my hands play her like a fine tuned instrument.

I dip my finger into her warmth. As expected she tenses but only for second. I wait for some indication about where to go and to my surprise she looks at me with her eyes shining bright with unleashed tears saying the few words I can't bring myself to even think.

"I trust you." A nervous laugh fills the room. "I trust you."

I don't want her to trust me. She should know what's happening; what this is all about. She should hate me just as much as I hate myself. "Don't."

Before she can register the word I restart my ministration. I forego penetration simply creating different patterns stroking her unprotected sex. She hugs me closer to her body trapping my hand, making it very hard for me to control this.

She takes over from under me, bucking onto my hand.

I move with her as much as I can, searching out every spot on my neck to heighten her pleasure.

"Oh…god…baby…" She holds onto me tighter as if she knew I wouldn't be here in the morning. In seconds I feel the familiar quivering of her body under mine. I feel the uneven pants of lust brushing past my ear.

Never mind that now. I rise up to look at her. And nothing has changed. Her body tenses more as she looks at me with unfiltered emotions. The magnitude of love, fear, hope and admiration are still there, all staring at me.

I close my eyes blocking her out.

I wait for her orgasm to subside, before I roll off of her onto my back.

Her breaths still come out in fast pants filling the room with much needed noise. "God I needed that."

Could it have been that I've miss judged the situation. We are both adult with needs. I needed her and she needed me, nothing more nothing less. Of course she has love in her eyes. I still love her and she loves me. It will always be that way.

I smile inwardly, I'm not the only one in this for the release, but then my heart sinks at her next words.

"I love you." She rolls onto her side laying her head on my shoulder. I feel her smile in my shoulder before peppering it with butterfly kisses. "Before… I know I tried to force things but they feel right, right now. It feels right being here with you."

I don't want to hear this, nothing is right about this. Nothing is okay with this situation, not the picture or frame.

"I guess John was right." She drapes herself half over me. "When I think about how long it took, the letter-"

I block the rest of her words out, I feel bad enough without her digging deeper.

"Are you okay babe?" She props herself up on her elbow looking down at me.

No I'm not okay. I don't even know who I am anymore.

She runs her finger tips under my jaw igniting the flame of lust in me again. It's the one thing I can deal with right now. "Babe?"

"I'm fine." I roll her onto her back. "I'm fine." I descend her body. I don't want to hear another word or see another look. I want this, just tonight.

-00-

I look at the clock again. Just five minutes have passed since the last time I looked.

Olivia must feel me shift; she pulls me closer to her until every part of our body is touching.

She fell asleep about 30 minutes ago after 2 hours of non stop sex.

I think she realized I wasn't going to talk, so after awhile her rationalization of tonight stopped. But the looks never did; the smiling, the deep gaze nor the light touches.

She shifts again as I rise up to look at the clock just behind her on the nightstand.

It's almost 5. I know I need to go before she wakes up or heaven forbid Rafe or Emma wake up. It would only confuse them and her.

Just for a second I lay my head back down on our shared pillow watching her unguarded features. The lines in her face seemed to have vanished over night. The dark circles under her eyes have lessened and the total air of a broken woman has flown out the window.

I watched her drift off to sleep with a silly grin which is still plastered on her face. I can't help but smile too. She looks so peaceful.

Slowly I slide out of her embrace retrieving my clothing off the floor.

I wonder how this works. Should it be like the first time? Do I just leave or do I leave a note first? The note would probably be blank anyhow; I don't know what to say to easy the pain I know she will feel when she wakes up. I don't even know how I will face her this afternoon to pick up the kids.

I look at her one last time as she moves closer to where I once laid.

The distress lines are back on her face. I lean down kissing her forehead before easing out of the room, closing the door behind me.

I try to guide my way in the darken living room to the elevator. The only light is the small red light above and besides the doors.

I push the button; feeling like someone is chasing me. Any second Olivia could wake up. I don't think I have the patience or the strength to deal with this right now. Guess I should have thought about that last night.

Finally it opens up, but it isn't empty.

Rodney steps out with coffee and donuts in his arms. "Did you bother to leave a note?" His face is so smug. I've always known he was on Doris's side. This started because of him coming back in the first place. He gave her the drug I'm sure of it.

My mouth opens and closes as I try to find the right answer. The truth seems too harsh or I could lie. But then I would only be lying to myself.

"I guess that's a no." He turns on the lights sitting the items on the table.

"You don't understand." I don't need to explain my actions to anyone especially him. I try to maintain my dignity buttoning up my jeans and tucking my shirt.

"NO?" He sarcastically turns his eyes to the ceiling rubbing his chin. "Lets see. You weren't here when I left last night, you're leaving without even putting on your shoes and you smell like sex. God what am I missing?"

I want to say it not what he thinks but it is. I came here looking for comfort or some twisted version of closure and now I'm leaving. I'm leaving knowing the consequences of my actions. Maybe I don't know, Olivia could have come to the same conclusion last night, it's not like I promised her anything. I didn't.

I turn back to the closed elevator pressing the button again.

"You are a piece of work."

"Oh cut the crap, you can't judge me after waltzing back in her life."

"I know I fucked but she expects that from me!" His voice gets louder. "Not you."

I want to smack him, before anyone hears him.

I freeze at the sound of footsteps, but after a few seconds of silence I realize it is all in my paranoid mind.

"She is doing cart wheels up and down these streets just trying to get your attention. Everyday she gets test done, cries her heart out in therapy, for you!" He points at me with every word.

"I never asked for any of those things. I never promised her anything. My words were meant for her children." I argue back even thought I sounds weak in my own mind.

"Bullshit. You knew fully well she was banking on you. If you didn't you wouldn't be sneaking out. After all she isn't expecting you to be there when she wakes you so why sneak around. She doesn't call you 20 times a day so you can ignore her. She's not bending over backwards to please you so she get can be shut down and hurt all over again."

His words flare my temper. I'm so tired of everyone talking about how hurt Olivia is. "You don't think I'm hurting. You don't think this is affecting me too." I turn around pressing the button again.

"You sure can't tell the way you've been running around town with you boyfriend."

"Danny is a friend." I say through clenched teeth. "What about you? What is everything supposed to be perfect now that you three have decided to come back and welcome everyone into your little circle? Am I supposed to jump for joy every time one of you decides to pay me attention? It doesn't work like that."

"Whatever."

I shake my head cursing the elevator. "Olivia knows I didn't mean to hurt her, she knows that things are not fixed. Tonight was just us letting off steam if that is okay with you and Doris."

"Do me and everyone else a favor, don't come back. This little yo-yo string you got Olivia on isn't going to continue. So how about you make up your mind, you either want to try to work things out and really try or make a clean break and stop fucking with her."

The words are like a knife to my stomach. I wasn't planning on coming back, except we have children which could force me to come here everyday. And I'm not the one controlling the yo-yo, I don't know who is but I know I want the ride to stop.

The doors finally open.

"Oh and Dory is downstairs you better not let her see you."

"What!"

I cover my ear to protect them from Lindsey's screaming. She gets out of her chair walking around her desk standing in front of me. "I specifically told you not to do that."

"I know." I slump in my seat even more. The full effect of last night is just catching up with me even thought they have been crawling up my back for the last hour.

"God Natalia what is your problem? Why is it every time I tell you to do something you do the opposite and only succeed in making things worse?" Her finger shakes in mid air as her face turns an almost amusing color of red.

"What you don't think I feel bad enough Lindsey. I Do Okay!" I stand up from my chair. I don't even know why I came here. I can make myself feel like shit. "I know I messed up last night and I feel it here." I poke my chest. "All I can think about is how Olivia will wake up and I'm not there and how hurt she will be." The anger leaves me in a rush. I sink back into the chair. "I'm hurting because I hurt her and I don't know how to make it right. I know I can't give her what she wants and I know that that will hurt her even more."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let her in again the same thing will happen. I'm scared that I've turned into some monster and I'm scared that no mater how much I want to walk away to protect myself I can't. I can't stand to see her hurting and that all I've been doing to her lately. I'm scared and I'm hurting. I just wanted a moment when I wasn't hurting or thinking so much." I try to reason with her and myself. "I wanted her, I want us, but I'm so scared I can't stop."

**OLIVIA**

"Emma, catch me now!"

The most wonderful, peaceful sleep I've had in a while is interrupted by the screaming of our two rambunctious children. I stretch out from under the covers feeling the most delicious ache between my legs that only a certain brunette can manage. I reach out and realize there is an empty spot beside me.

I bolt straight up looking at around the room of any sign of my wife. I look at the clock and it's already after seven.

I should have been up. I wonder why she didn't wake me so she can get to the shelter.

Oh I smell coffee and donuts.

I guess that healthy eating has disappeared for the weekend.

I find a pair of clean pajamas rushing into the bathroom. I feel almost giddy; I should have gotten up and cooked her breakfast or ordered it. Breakfast in bed sounds good. I wonder if I can coax her back into it for a few more hours. I need to brush my teeth and comb my hair. Oh god I look a mess. I need my make up on. I need a shower. There's so much I need do!

I swear I fix myself up in record time, 10 minutes at the most. Okay Olivia, look alive. This will be like the first time seeing each other. I put on my matching panties and bra, the one she likes. The bra that sit my breast right under my chin and a v neck shirt that hangs of my shoulders.

As soon as we get the kids downstairs I can thank her for a wonderful night.

I open the door just a little looking into the living room. "Natalia." I peek out a little more. "Natalia?" Still no answer. Come on baby I don't want to walk out half dressed in front of the kids. I move back into the room to find another shirt and pants. I guess Mickey mouse will have to do.

"Natalia?" The sight of Rodney reading the newspaper is not what I expected. I guess Natalia refrained from killing him in front of Rafe and Emma.

"Good morning sleepy head." Rodney says putting down the paper.

"Hi." I peek into the kitchen and guest room and still nothing.

"Looking for something?" Rodney smiles at me and it's kind of unsettling.

"I see someone cleaned up." Did I dream it? I sweep the room of any sign that Natalia was here. Emma's blanket is draped across the back of the couch. I didn't dream it so where is she?

"Just picked up a few things."

Rafe chases Emma into our room and back into theirs.

I wonder where she went. I wanted to snuggle with her some more.

"I hate Sundays." Rodney walks over to the table picking up the donut box. "If you don't get there at 3 a.m. all the good things are gone. But I did manage to some raspberry filled for you."

"It's Sunday!"

"Yea I just said that."

I should have known. Church, she must have gone to early morning service. Why didn't I think of that first? She must have left a note or something. I start my search for a note.

"What'cha looking for?" Rodney sits on the back of the couch.

"Have you seen a piece of paper, it might be small, with handwriting on it."

"Um, no. Why?"

I can't tell him just yet. We need to just be for a little while without the pressure from friends and family. Shit I can't tell him we made love last night, for sure he will tell Doris who will rip my head off. No we just need it to be us right now. Maybe go on a couple of dates first. "No reason really…" This thing has got me so mixed up I can't even think of a good lie.

"If you're looking for a note from Natalia you won't find it."

My head snaps up at his comment. "And why not?" He's dangerously close to being murdered.

"She didn't leave one."

My knees feel weak at the thought of what he is saying. I know Natalia; she would leave a note to let me know where she was going or when she would be back. Because she is coming back. She's coming back, I know it.

"I saw her leave this morning."

"When?" My throat feels impossibly dry at the moment. I can't even swallow.

"Around 5."

I shake my head not believing him. She wouldn't just leave. I know my own wife and we made real love for the first time since all of this happened. She wants me back, she said that much, I think. She has to after reading the letter she knows everything. "Where's my phone?"

"Olivia-" The sympathy in his voice is too much.

"Shut up!" I feel the all too familiar hot flash of tears starting to gather. I blindly retrieve my phone. No messages. I don't care. I know Natalia. I might have been wrong in the past but not about this. This I know, sex is not something she takes lightly. She said so; I remember she told me, promised me it would never just be sex no matter how bad it got. It's not just us using one another it would never be about that.

I call her phone waiting and waiting. After about 5 rings her voicemail picks up.

I hang up calling her again.

"Olivia."

"I said shut up." I turn away from him as Rafe and Emma run out of their room.

"Mom can I take Emma to the movie room." I can hear Rafe impatiently pushing the elevator button.

I try to keep my voice strong. "Yea, no scary movies."

"Yes ma'am."

The door opens and closes. I turn around to make sure they are gone, before I let every drop of water in my body out through my eyes. "She used me?"

"I'm sorry." Rodney pats my shoulder.

The next thing I know we're both sitting on the floor.

"Did she say anything before she left?" I pull myself out of his lap. "I mean she had to say something to you if she saw you before she left, right? Tell me what she said." I'm not sure I want to hear it or even if they talked about me. Maybe it was hi and bye. Or maybe they just threw little barbs at each other but I need to know if she thought about me before she left.

I see the gears in his mind turn over in full speed.

"Don't lie to me Rodney." I look him in the eyes pleading for anything to hold on to. Anything but a lie. I would rather hear the truth now.

"Um, she said she had an emer-"

"Don't." I cut him off. "Please."

His breaths come harder as he tries to think of something else to make up.

"I trust you more that I trust myself so please don't be the second person to let me down this morning."

He huffs pulling my hands into his larger ones. "She said last night didn't change how she felt."

The air suddenly catches in my chest. How does she feel? Does she still hate me?

"She said she just needed to blow off some steam and that it didn't mean anything."

I snatch my hands away. "You're lying." I protest even though I can see the truth in his eyes.

"But she said she didn't mean to hurt you."

I shake my head trying my hardest not to cry at the sudden realization. Natalia has turned into every other lover I have ever had. She used me now she doesn't want me. I bet if it weren't for Rafe and Emma she probably wouldn't have stayed around this long.

I stare at Rodney out the side of my eye. "I think I'm going to be sick." My stomach churns at the thought of the words I said last night. Another night of making myself look stupid. I told her I loved her, everything felt so right. I should have known, she never said the words back, in reality she never said anything. "She played me."

"What'd you say?"

"She played with me. I told her that I trusted her and she played with me to get what she wanted." The sour taste of being powerless, of being conquered and defeated crawls into my throat. I stand up running to the bathroom. The food from last night all comes up blendered into the toilet.

"You okay?"

I pull away from Rodney sitting back against the cool wall of the tub. I can't believe him. Why would she do that to me? Natalia wouldn't, she promised. For every promise I broke not once has she used me. She wouldn't start now for what, sex. What is one night of pleasure compared to a lifetime? No she wouldn't fuck and leave.

He doesn't argue but a small smirk appears.

"Natalia wouldn't do something like that."

"Hell Olivia it's what she did when you first met, right?"

"NO! We had a connection that we both acted on and it led us to a prefect marriage that I screwed up, but she wouldn't do something like that, she promised." I use the side of the tub to stand up. "You'll see when she comes tonight. There will be an explanation for all of this and you'll see." I step over Rodney's outstretched legs to the mirror.

"Where are you going?"

"To watch a movie with my children before they have to go home." I wash my face and fix my hair. "Natalia's going to prove you wrong. You'll see she'll come this afternoon and tell you herself. She wants me back, me! She doesn't want sex." I wipe a few tears away. "She came to me. She read my letter, looked at my papers, and she came to me. You just wait and see. She'll be here to make everything right. I'm going home. You know why Rodney?"

"Because you bought the house."

"No because Natalia is the love of my life and I'm hers. She wouldn't throw that away, not for sex."

"What'd you say in the letter?"

"I told her. I told her everything about Lily and why she has to stay away from her. She knows Lily tried to force herself on me. I saw it in her eyes." I look down at Rodney sitting on the floor. "I saw the change in the way she looked it me. It didn't matter to her. What mattered is that I told her I trusted her. I said I love you and I'm following your lead. That's what I wrote down and she came to me. And I trusted her, I trust her."

"At least she knows now."

"Did you hear me Rodney?" I take one last look in the mirror. "I told her everything in that letter and it didn't phase her one bit. She still wanted me, she still loves me and she knows I trust her." It has to be a weight off of both our shoulders. "You'll see tonight."

"I hope so."

-0

Today went by so fast I can't believe it's over.

It's already 5 and Rafe and Emma are all packed up and ready to go. We sit in the lobby because I couldn't wait for Natalia to ride the elevator. I'm crazy just being here. I even packed a couple of items just in case we agree I'm ready to come home. That's all Rafe and Emma have been talking about. I didn't put a date on it but I told them soon, very soon. I can't wait until Natalia gets here.

I have to talk to her now. Even though she hasn't answered her phone all day I still believe. She has a problem with forgetting her phone anyway. If she had her phone she would have called me back already. It doesn't matter, not to me. In my mind and soul, I know.

My Natalia wouldn't do this to me. She still loves me, me; not my money, the sex, or the prestige. She loves me.

She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.

"Rafe, Emma." Maria walks into the lobby out of breathe. "Traffic is horrible today." I think she's talking to me but doesn't look at me.

That's okay I don't need to speak with her all I need is Natalia.

"Are you two ready to go home?" She takes Emma backpack off the floor.

"Wait." I stop her. "Where's Natalia? She said she was coming."

"I don't know she just asked me to pick up the children this morning and she would call when she got back home."

Involuntary I start to fidget. This can't be happening. "Did she say anything else?"

"Not to me, why?" Maria's head cocks to the side.

"I've been calling her and she hasn't answered. I was worried."

Maria shakes her head.

"I needed to talk to her about last night?" I try to gauge her reaction to see if Natalia told her anything that she might be holding back.

"I haven't seen her since Friday." Maria's eyes wonder along the room trying her hardest not to look at me. She finally looks at me. "She did seem a little upset when she called but she said everything was okay."

Everything is okay? I clear my throat. I can't cry in front my children. It's not their faults. I guess it's mine again. I should have seen it coming. Instead of being desperate I should have protected myself. I should have known, it's all everyone wants, why should she be any different. She finally came to her senses. She finally knows.

"Come on guys give me a hugs." I choke back my tears long enough to hug Rafe and Emma.

"Are you okay?" Rafe hooks his arm in mine.

"I'm fine. Just sad to see you go. Call me if you want to talk or if you need anything, anything okay?"

"Okay."

I kiss his forehead before sending him off with his grandmother.

I think I beat Marie down the street, breaking every traffic law on the books. They'll have to forgive me today my life is on the line here.

I have to speak to Natalia. I need her to answer this one question. I need her to tell me Rodney lied. He must have. Doris has somehow gotten him on her side and now they are playing the devil's advocate just like Danny and Maria.

Natalia would never just leave without a damn good excuse. She wouldn't.

Nope last night had to have meant something to the both of us.

I pull into our driveway spotting Danny's car beside Natalia's. That's doesn't mean anything. His car could be here for a million reasons.

I barely park the car before jumping out and trotting up the porch stairs. I get a quick glance of myself in the door window. My hair is disheveled and clothes wrinkle, not my best moment but one of the most important.

I take a deep breath trying to smile. My wife, my life is in this house. She's waiting for me.

I open the door stepping in to the living room only to be greeted by the one person I didn't want to see.

"Ah Olivia, just the person I wanted to see." Danny claps his almost smiling at me.

"Where is Natalia?" And what the hell are you doing in my house?

"She's upstairs getting dressed." He claps his hands and opens his arms like her wants hug. The smugness in his voice is enough to make me want to scream. "But that not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk to you…about you."

"Is that right?" I side step into the room looking up the stairs.

"Yes." He watches me closely like I'm the visitor. He points at the open door. "If you would for a second."

Just to humor myself I step back outside leaning against the rail.

Danny closes the door behind him going over to the other side of the steps and sitting on the railing.

"So?" I grow impatient at the silence.

"I'm not a bad guy." He starts off looking over his shoulder in to the distance. He turns looking at me. "And truthfully you don't seem like a bad person maybe a little frayed around the edges but you try."

I hope he's not trying to get on my good side with this speech.

"I've heard a lot about you and I have to say you have beaten the odds at every turn, that's to be commended."

"What are you getting at?"

"My point Ms. Spencer," he stands up trying to intimidate me with his height, "you are who you are. Everyone knows that and they know what to expect as do you. But Natalia she's special. She thought she could expect, no deserved different. She took a risk and lost. We all have at one point. But through your own fault and my guidance she had come to see you for who you are."

"Who do you think you are?" I almost laugh at him.

"Please don't interrupt me." He clears his throat. "Now as I was saying, she told me about last night."

I was about to give him a good lashing until he said that. There's no way she told him anything.

"And I really hope there are no hard feelings towards her from you. I understand her thinking, you're hot. Anyone can see that. You have a gorgeous face and an even better body."

"Glad you approve."

He shakes his head leaning back against the railing. "Don't blame her. I told her she needed one last night to get over whatever it is you two had. I don't think you are to blame either. I saw the video of your wedding, sorry I couldn't make it, but you seemed sincere. You tried to change and it didn't work. So don't fault Natalia for that either."

"So I'm suppose to what, just take your word for it."

"Some people just aren't marrying types. You give people a good time, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Oh fuck you; you don't know shit about us."

"Let's not stoop to cursing. What I meant to say is I believe you are a good person. I believe you do care about Natalia and that's the Olivia I want to appeal to."

"Then get to it." I can't believe I'm still listening to him but something in me refuses to leave. He's just voicing what everyone is thinking.

"We both want Natalia to be happy, the only thing is I can deliver. You have problems that will in all probability never be fixed. And you tend to take yourself down but the worst offense is that you are taking Natalia and the children with you. Neither of us what that, so I'm asking you person to person to leave them alone."

"She's my wife."

"You're hurting her, you can see that."

"I'll make it better."

"The only way you know how but that isn't enough. I don't want to betray her trust but I feel like you should know that sex is all she wanted from you. She is trying to move on with her life maybe you should do the same."

"I want to hear it from her."

"I'll go get her. If that will make you happy." He opens the door but blocks my way in. "I'm not saying these things to hurt your feelings. All I want is for her to be happy. If you got the wrong impression about last night you two should talk but I know somewhere inside you know the truth."

I do.

"You made a promise in that video to make her happy, so why don't you do it."

We both walk back inside my spine shorter that earlier.

"I'll go get her." He walks up the step looking back to make sure I'm not following.

I stare at him too refusing to let him see just how defeated I feel.

I feel too hot to even sweat. Everything he said made too much sense. To make her happy that's why I moved out in the first place.

How can I be mad at Natalia for doing what everyone else has done before? She got her revenge.

On the side table, I spot our wedding photo still standing in its golden frame. We were happy then, I was happy.

I felt like for the first time in a long time God was on my side. What a cruel trick that turned out to be.

The twinkle of my wedding rings catches my eye. I hold it up close to my face inspecting it. This is supposed to mean something.

I turn the picture face down pulling it out the back of the frame. It might be a lie but it's my lie that I want to keep close to me.

If I were being truthful to myself I should have done this a long time ago when I first started to slip. It would have saved a lot of people a lot of heart ache especially Natalia.

I left so she wouldn't be force to stay with me. I left so she would be free to be happy and here I am still keeping her in the dark with me.

This push and pull game we have will only destroy the goodness inside of her. Next thing we know we'll both be addicts, me to drugs and her to my misery.

If she wanted to talk to me she would have return my hundred calls and texts. If last night was about anything but sex she wouldn't have left. If it meant anything to her she wouldn't be here with him. She must have felt sorry for me after reading that letter.

Poor Olivia, the victim, needed a 'pick me up' fuck.

I slide the band off my finger laying it on the coffee table.

I did make a promise to make her happy with or without me. If she wants him then I won't stand in her way and I'll keep my promise. She'll never have to worry about money or anything else.

I fold the picture up shoving it in my pocket.

I really think I'm going to be sick. I stumble over to the small waste basket but a pile of torn paper catches my eye inside of it. It's shredded. I pick up a hand full of the pieces of the paper and read the words I wrote to her. It's the letter she was supposed to read. The letter that was supposed to explain everything to her. The letter I gave her. She tore it up and threw me away.

I swear I just can't win today.

I walk out the door taking in some fresh air before leaving. Then I hear her voice. "Where are they?"

Danny and Natalia walk out of the door and her smile quickly fades when she sets eyes on me. "Olivia?" She looks up at Danny. He mustn't have told her who the visitor was.

"No don't worry I was just leaving. You weren't answering your phone and I got worried." My face is burning. I bite the inside of my cheek just to keep from making a fool by begging. I turn around walking to my car.

"Wait, Olivia." She comes down the stairs following me to my car.

I hold my breath praying she tells me they're both lying.

"About last night…" She looks back at him as he nods his head.

"No!" I say a little too loud, it's just to keep her from lying or worse telling the truth. As long as I don't hear it from her I can pretend it meant something. "No it's okay."

"Olivia please, I-" She stops mid sentence looking at our shoes.

"I know."All to well. "Emma was worried and I promised I would check on you. You know how worked up she can get." I turn away from her to keep her from seeing me cry. It's bad enough I came here. "I really have to get back to the hotel. Have a new assistant to help out so I could have more time." I'm babbling because I can't get the key into the door, my vision is too blurry. Got it! I get in closing the door, but I sit there with the engine running. "Rodney told me what you said."

Her jaw drops as the blood drain from her face. "I…he…"

"It's okay." With that I speed off. I don't want to hear it from her.

NATALIA

I can't believe he told her. Why would he do that?

"Nat you okay?"

"No I'm not okay." I sit on the steps looking at the dust settling. "I hurt her. I don't know if I can ever make it right."

"Maybe you don't need to." Danny sits beside me.

"No I do. I want to make it right I just don't know where to start. Last night I think I did the furthest from helping, in fact I know I did."

"What happened?"

"It's too personal."

"Well what are friends for if you can't confide in them?" He bumps my shoulder with his.

"No really I can't. I've already talked to Lindsey."

"Oh what did the great doctor say? She write Olivia a letter of recommendation."

His voice is starting to grate my nerve for the first time since we've reconnected. I turn looking at him. He's nothing like the boy I remember. He's a man, a man that isn't helping my situation. I knew that but it was nice to have him around to distract me from what was really going on. From the beginning I should have investigated. I should have done better to get the details of Olivia's escapades. No matter how much it hurt is should have listened and took it all in.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just think I need to be alone." I get up walking back into the house.

Danny follows me inside waiting just inside the door. "Why do you let her do this to you? You can't let her keep making you feel like you did something wrong."

"I did do something wrong and I can't take it back." I take a seat on the end of the couch, waiting for the house to swallow me whole.

"No you didn't do anything wrong. It's not like you forced her last night."

I look at him with his eyes squeezed shut with a grimaced look. He knows he just slipped up.

I get up off the couch. "How do you know what happened last night?" I take a step towards him.

"Look it's not what you think. I was leaving the club and I saw you go up, so I thought I would wait for you but it took you a while to come down. I just put two and two together. That's why I came over today just in case you needed support." He doesn't try to come closer but he leans heavier into the door jam.

I believe him so I sit back down. There I go again trying to blame everybody else for what I did. Danny didn't make me leave my own wife while she slept. He didn't force me to use her for one night. No one I did that but me, and I hurt the one person I love the most.

"Maybe it's for the best."

"Danny I need you to leave. I just-" What the hell? The ring catches my eye. I pick it up but it doesn't seem real. She left her ring. She left her ring.

"Natalia?"

"She left her ring." I hide the ring in my palm squeezing it until I feel it burn into my skin. It's over. I finally pushed her away. I finally did it.

"You should, ow." Danny trips over the waste basket almost falling.

I get up not to help him but to clean up. I need to keep moving, I need to go get my children so I have something to keep me occupied.

I get on my knees picking you the pieces of trash that fell out onto the floor.

"Wait let me!" Danny tries to take the item from.

I hover over the paper keeping it out of his reach. "What is this stuff?" I flip over the pieces trying to match the shreds. The few that are still together I read.

'_I was being selfish and I'm sorry.'_

'_The dreams were too much to handle, you'_

'_I love you and our children too much to let her destroy you.'_

'_They forced and used me, but not you. I know you wouldn't but the drugs clouded my mind.'_

I shuffle through the scraps. "Danny what it this?" I know I didn't throw this away. A few more pieces fit together. It's the letter Olivia gave me. I never could bring myself to read it but I didn't do this.

"It was nothing but lie to try to make you feel guilty."

I start to pile the paper up, Danny does the same. Soon we're fighting over the pieces. His hands are larger than mine and his pile is getting bigger. "You don't need her."

I reach up slapping him harder that I've ever hit anyone.

He stares at me with fire in his eyes, but I don't back down. Instead I start putting the letter back together.

"Ma?"

I look up, Rafe, Emma and my mother are staring at us like they just caught us having sex on the floor.

Danny is still burn a hole through me. His face is red beyond red and his eyes are filled with tears. I don't think they're tears of hurt but of unleashed anger. I wonder if he would hit me. I don't think he would but maybe he would. Maybe I've pushed everyone to their limit.

"Danny just go." I sit back on my heels looking at pieces.

"Fine, if you what be with some fucked up bitch for the rest of your life fine Natalia!" He grabs a handful of paper before getting up. "You've never changed you know that! You've always liked fucked up people!"

My mother pulls Emma closer to her as he huffs past them out the door. He tosses the papers into the wind running down the steps.

"Natalia what was that?"

"Nothing."

Rafe sits beside me putting his arm around my waist.

He's bigger but still the same child that I tried to protect. All the kicks, punches, slaps, and object thrown at us with my body curled around him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really."

"What are you going to do?"

I look at Rafe then at Emma and my mother. "I don't know."

"Rafe why don't you take Emma upstairs while I talk to you mother." My mother takes Rafe's place. "Honey?"

"He didn't hit me if that's what you are going to ask." I stare out the door wondering if it's too late to go after the pieces. "When did I become an asshole?"

"You're not. It's just trying times. Everyone has their own way of getting through things." She takes my hand but I pull it back. "Honey you can't keep going like this. You're losing weigh. Are you sleeping?"

I almost laugh. My mother who has been instigating most of this behind the scene says it all has to stop. After the dust settles she's right. This can't go on. "You're right. I have to do something." I gather the paper in my hands. I'll have to get some tape to put it back together as much as I can.

"Where are you going?"

I dump the pieces on coffee table. "Mom get me a zip lock bag and bring me some tape." I sit on the couch fingering my phone.

I need to find a weak link in the chain. Rodney is my obvious choice. Doris has him around the neck right now. I'll have to wait until she gives him a little slack. That leave just 4 other people who know what happened to us.

"Here you are."

I put the paper in the bag along with the roll of tape. Keith! I'll have to get his number, I'm just sure he'll be more talkative than his counter parts.

"Mom." I stand up on shaky legs. "I need you to take Rafe and Emma for just a little while."

"Natalia? What are you doing?"

"I can't do this without her." I hold on the bag for dear life. "I fucked up so bad."

"Natalia, language."

"Not now mother. My life has imploded. I think I can use whatever language I want."

"Mom?" I turn around to find Rafe and Emma standing at the bottom of the steps.

"Come here guys." Emma runs to me and in true fashion of this summer Rafe stays planted. "Rafe please."

He looks at my mother then at me. Finally he sits on the couch. I sit beside him with Emma in m lap.

"I know things have been very strained between me and Olivia and you probably don't understand." Emma nod he head. Rafe looks at me with a knowing look. I always know when he's done something wrong. The guilt is written all over her face. "Or maybe you've hear some things but I promise you I'm going to do everything I can to put this family back together. I want your mother home and I need you patience."

Rafe nods surprisingly taking my hand.

"Please don't worry, I'm going to fix this no matter what and thing will be like they were. But please know this has nothing to do with you. We both still love you both very much. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"I need you to go with my mother. As soon as I can I'll come get you. Me and your mother will come for you."

OLIVIA

"You haven't said much."

"I'm not really in the mood to talk."

"Try for me, how was the weekend with your children?"

"It was okay," I shrug my shoulders. "I talked to Rafe and I think we came to a good understanding. I think we're okay."

"Okay." John taps his pencil on his knee. "Did you see Natalia?"

I nod my head grinding my teeth in an effort not to cry. I should be over this. I left, she moved on end of story.

"Olivia, look at me."

I focus on the red book to my left.

"Did something happen?" Her tries to keep his voice neutral but I can hear the unusual compassion and worry laced in his voice.

"You could say that."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

I keep my focus squarely on the red book. "I gave her the letter. I told her I trusted her and I showed her all my records proving I'm clean."

"And what did she say?"

"Anytime I want." I laugh at just how stupid I could have been. I should have seen it. Anytime I want, it's not like it was code for I love you.

"And what significance does that have?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"How can you come to terms with it if you won't talk about it?"

"I've already come to terms with it." I wonder what book that might be. I think I can see dust around it.

"Well then for my sake catch me up."

I sit still staring at the book trying to figure out just how to explain it and still stay disconnected enough not to cry. I thought I was all out of tears. But the hurt and anger it brings is killing me.

"Olivia?"

"She doesn't love me anymore." I rush the words out softly trying to keep them from my ears.

"Natalia?"

I nod my head.

"What would make you think that?"

How many times am I going to have to repeat this story?

"Did she say something?"

"No I did. She didn't do anything wrong." She just came to her senses.

"What did you do?"

"I listened to you that's what I did. I did what you told me to." I raise my voice still not looking at him.

"So it's my fault?"

"No it's my fault for believing something that wasn't true. I should have just-"

"Please just start from the beginning." John tosses his notebook on the small table between us.

I sigh staring down at the notebook. I hate that thing, he's always writing in it but never show me. "Natalia dropped Rafe and Emma off and we talked for a second. I told her I trusted her and she kissed me. Like you said I followed her lead. I didn't have any flashbacks; there was no anxiety and no fear. We really kissed and I felt it, I felt like we had finally got somewhere. To me that was all I needed to know I was ready. I wanted her to kiss me again but she left after I gave her the letter." I breathe deep, my throat and face beginning to burn. I focus back on the blurry red book. I wonder it he will notice it missing.

"So she came over the next night and I tried to show her my papers. I told her how hard I was trying for us. And she said… anytime I want." I scuff at the last statement.

"What does that mean?"

"I thought it mean she wanted me to be hers again. I thought she wanted me back that she saw and felt the difference." I clench my fist in my lap. "But it didn't. I told her I trusted her to…we were on the bed kissing and she touched…I told her I was ready that I trusted her. I put myself on the line and she left. She used me for the night and then she left."

I hear John sigh under his breath. "God."

"I don't know if you know how that feels but it hurt. I felt dirty again, I felt cold and abandoned and I have no one to blame but me."

"Did you talk to her?"

"I tried and tried and tried. She wouldn't answer my calls. She even sent Maria to pick up Rafe and Emma. I couldn't let it stay like that so I went to our- her house and she was there with him."

"Danny?"

"I knew if I could just see or talk to her she could explain and it would be just some big mix up. I wasn't imagining it when we were together. It was real." I don't know how I didn't see it. I was so busy trying to convince myself that I didn't see what she was doing.

"What did she say?"

"I didn't get to speak with her." I rub my forehead; it's so cold in this room.

"I see." John leans forward, both feet on the ground.

"But I did talk to Danny and what he said is what I have been thinking this entire time."

"What's that?" He leans back picking up his notebook, pencil poised and ready.

"Natalia deserves better."

"And you don't."

"Can you just listen? I listen to you so listen to me?" I lean back in the soft cushion of the couch staring out the window.

John nods his head putting his pencil down.

"Natalia deserves better, Rafe and Emma deserve someone to look up to. All of them want and deserve a normal stable adult in their lives. I don't think I am that person. No matter how hard I try." I finally look John in his eyes. He wants to disagree, but I know better now. "Even now I feel like I'm falling apart. It took all I had not to go out last night and get high or drunk. I was up the entire night with the phone in one hand and a drink in the other."

"Did you drink?"

"No, but I wanted to." I'm afraid to be alone for that reason. All I can think about is getting high or drunk.

"It will pass."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It will." John sets his pad and pencil on his lap folding his hands on top of them. "Let's take this one step at a time, you made progress with your son."

"I should have said no, but I was so happy and caught up in her I let it happen. She looked at my papers, she finally saw that I was clean that she could at least trust that I was sober."

"Olivia-"

I ignore him, I need to say this. "With everything that was happening I just thought that everything was falling into place. She doesn't love me."

John sits up straight with a blank face.

"You should have seen the way she looked at me when she saw me. He said he told her to come to me so she could have only last fling so she could finally get over me. Can you believe that?" I stand up walking to the window behind John. "She sleeps with me, leaves and decides to play house with him. I get why, I do. I'm not going to lie and say I don't know why but it still hurts." The pain goes so much deeper than I can every express.

"I know it hurts and you have every right but now I want you to focus on you. This is the perfect time to find yourself and become comfortable with being alone for a time in your life. I bet when Natalia sees how put together you are she'll realize the mistake she made."

I'm not sure I can be put back together. "Yea right."

"She will and in the mean time I want you to relax. Be surrounded by people who love, no drinking or drugging but go out to a movie, go on a hike and re-gather."

I'm tired of starting over. "Re-gather, I feel like I have been doing that my whole life."

"Then this should be a cake walk. You have a lot to offer and if she can't see that someone else will. Give it time."

**NATALIA**

I can't even taste the cake in front of me, but I'm still shoving it in my mouth. Who cares if I get fat or not? I recently just turned down a good man because I'm still in love with a woman who hates me now and her friends are probably plotting my death this very second.

It's been three days, I'm surprised to still be alive. I'm surprised I haven't died from dehydration, from crying. And not one word from Rodney or Doris.

Speaking of the devil.

Rodney walks in the café wearing his usual get up; khaki pants and a polo shirt, can't forget the sunglasses resting on his face.

Go for it Natalia. What do I have to lose?

I get up with a renewed sense of determination.

I walk up behind Rodney tapping him on the shoulder.

He spins around immediately rolling his eyes at me. "God, what!"

"I know you hate me." I tap my foot with impatience.

He shrugs his shoulders.

I simply don't have the energy to slip in a personality to get him to talk. I'm desperate and I want him to know that. "I'm going to ask you a question."

"Oh no you're not." He shakes his head.

"Rodney please, I'm begging in the middle of a busy deli shop."

"I know what you want to know and I made a promise to my best friend I would never tell you anything so no." Rodney turns around walking away from me.

I follow him through the small crowd. "Please just listen. I know you have to know I love her. Rodney I do."

"Fuck off."

I follow him through the door and onto the busy sidewalk.

"Please I'll do anything."  
He turns around with his eyebrows in his eyebrows. "Anything?"

I take a step away from him. "Well not anything, I'm not sleeping with you."

"I wasn't thinking about that…not until now but that is another day." He stands in front of me thinking and rubbing his chin. "Fine but you have to promise me something in return."

"Okay." I agree without second thought.

"You have to leave Olivia alone; no late night booty calls, no accidental run ins, no weepy phone calls, no nothing. Anything you have to say to her will be about the kids nothing about you two."

"Okay." I don't even know what I am agreeing to but I know I won't abide by those rules.

"I'm serious."

"Me too." I nod my head and cross my heart.

"Okay…" Rodney motions for me to follow him as he walks away from the shop. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did Olivia relapse?"

"Olivia had been drinking while you were away. And we had a party…no I can't tell you that" He pauses for a second. "But what I can tell you is that lunch you had been with the devil. If you knew what we knew you wouldn't have taken her side."

"Whose side? What lunch?'

"Think about it then get back to me. You're lucky Olivia doesn't believe what she said." Rodney starts to back away from me.

"Who?"

"It's not for me to say."

What lunch, what side did I take? "You mean Lily?"

Rodney stops a few feet away. "You should have believed Olivia. She's your wife." He turns around running across the street through busy traffic.

So it is her. What is it about Lily that everyone hates? I should call her and straighten this all out. But she already told me her side of the story. The question is do I believe her or what Olivia said. But what did Olivia say?

I rack my brain for the bits and pieces of Olivia story that I heard.

She said she was drinking. Something about the hotel, then she said Lily was there; like she appeared or maybe she wasn't invited and showed up anyway.

She said they had sex. Didn't she? I can't remember if she actually ever said they had intercourse. She said Lily was touching her and saying things. What did she say?

Did she say something about me?

But why would Lily lie about sleeping with Olivia, its not like we are best friends. Why would she bother to have lunch with me then sleep with Olivia? She could have simply walked in did the same thing, but she when out of her way to befriend me.

What kind of person would do that?

There has to be a back story to this beside the one Lily told me. I need someone who was there and is willing to talk. My contact is supposed to be here today but I need another person.

I walk into the deli spotting Keith immediately sitting in a corner booth.

I slide in the bench across from him trying to stop myself from hugging him. I truly did not think he would show up.

"Thank you for coming."

"Hopefully we'll be doing a lot more of it later." Keith winks. He runs his fingers through his greasy hair. It looks like he hasn't showered in days.

I can ignore that because I did lure him here under the promise of sex, but I never said with me. I'm sure he will be able to find someone else who will lay with him.

"Anyway, I can't thank you enough for showing up to the talk with me."

"And more." He puts his hand on top of mine on the table.

I pull out of his grasp. "So let's get down to business."

"That what I'm talking about." Keith says too excited to stay still.

"I want to talk about Lily."

"Holy shit!' Keith yells flying back in his seat gaining every ones attention. "You tricked me." He says in awe like he didn't know I was capable of such a thing.

"Technically no, but actually yes."

I grab Keith's hand to keep him from leaving. "Wait please."

He sits back scratching his forehead. "Do you know how much of a risk I took just to come back here to have sex with you?"

"Okay but you really would be doing me a huge favor and I owe you…just not sex."

"I can't believe you would trick me like this. There is a good chance I might not make it out of this hell hole of a town. Wolfe is out for blood and I'm a fresh cow on my period." Keith bangs his head against the wall.

"I know and I'm sorry but I can help you."

"You can't, if it weren't for Olivia you would probably be just another victim too." The sweat begins to pour down the side of his face.

"She doesn't have to know."

"She probably already knows." Keith argues looking over my shoulder then his.

"I didn't tell anyone."

"You don't have to she has eyes everywhere. This whole town works for her." Keith sighs slumping down in his seat. "You don't believe me; look over your left shoulder. That dude has been starting at us since you walked in. If I'm not mistaken that's the same punk who tried to kill me the first time."

Subtly I look over my shoulder and sure enough Johnny is sitting in the opposite side of the room on his phone.

"He's probably already called her and she's on her way to kill me." Keith's face crumples like he's about to burst in to tears.

God this could be bad. If Doris is on her way, I'll never get anything out of him.

"Don't panic. Keith looks at me."

He raises his head with a look of pure defeat, he's accepted his fate. I won't accept the same.

"Just wait here I'll take care of this." I wait for him to nod before getting up and walking over to Johnny's table. Carefully I sit down across from him. He eyes me then turns back to Keith.

"Johnny put down the phone." I keep my voice steady despite the fact that my insides at fighting to get out.

He furrows his eyebrows at me but he obeys ending his call and laying the phone on the table.

"Who was that?"

"What's it to you?" Johnny sits back in his seat smugly.

"If it was Doris-"

"If it was?" He looks over at Keith pointing his finger like a gun and pulling the trigger.

I can see Keith is about to bolt and I can't blame him.

Think fast Natalia. Appeal to him.

"You want to kill someone?"

"Hm?" Johnny's head snaps tome in intrigue. "I'm listening."

"Help me and I guarantee you a body." What am I saying? "But you have to call Doris off."

"No problem." Johnny leans forward. "That wasn't her anyway. Now about this body."

I don't know what I would have done if that were Doris but now I have to find someone to that Johnny can kill. How do I keep digging myself deeper in this? "Right. The thing is-"

"Ya boys getting away." Johnny interrupts my rambling.

I turn just in time to see Keith escaping through the doors.

Both Johnny and I get up running after him.

We must look suspicious running down a busy street after a man but no one seems to take any interest.

Keith only gets about half a block before Johnny catches up with him pushing him up against a brick wall.

When I catch up with them Johnny has Keith pinned up against a wall.

I tap his shoulder motioning for him to bring Keith deeper into the alleyway.

I plant myself behind Johnny talking to Keith over his shoulder. "I've tried to do this the nice way but you have forced my hand."

Johnny has Keith pressed against the wall with his forearms digging into his chest.

Why didn't I think of this earlier?

"Johnny where is your brother?" I squint my eyes at Keith. No more nice Natalia, I'm bringing in the big guns.

"Waiting in the car."

"Now Keith I'm only going to ask this one and one time only. I have talked to everyone including Lily-"

"Are you fucking stupid or do you have a death wish? AH!"

Johnny digs is elbows deeper into Keith's ribs. "That's no way to talk to the one person keeping you alive. I've been order to kill on sight."

"Wait! Wait!" Keith's eyes grow big as he looks at my. "Okay."

I lay my hand on Johnny's shoulder trying to get him to ease up. "What are you talking about?"

Keith sighs in frustration. "What Olivia didn't tell you about scar-face?"

"You tell me."  
"Hell, no. I'm not that stupid."

"Johnny."

I wanted him to cause a little pain but Johnny crosses his forearm across Keith chest and lifts his shirt revealing the butt of a gun.

Oh god he really has a gun. He could really kill Keith right here in front of me. I can't let that happened. This was a bad ideal this is why I didn't think of it earlier.

I focus on the scene in front of me. Johnny has the barrel of the gun pressed under Keith's chin. His hand trembles aching to pull the trigger.

I have to take back control of the situation before we both end up in jail.

I put my hand on Johnny's bicep forcibly making him lower his arm. "Johnny, why don't you give us a second?"

"What?"

"I want you to give us a few minutes and if after those minutes Keith hasn't told me what I want to know I will walk away leaving him with you. But I need a few minutes alone with him." Not only is Johnny clamming him up with fear but he also doesn't need to be present when we are talking about my wife and her past. If she has gone through the great length to keep me from knowing then I'm sure she would be horrified for him to find out like this.

Keith looks relieved but he presses him lips tighter together in defiance.

"Fine." Johnny shoves Keith violently against the wall before walking to the end of the alley as a look out.

"Spit it out Keith."

"Fuck! You know if I tell you anything Olivia will never talk to me again. Not to mention she'll probably give Wolfe the go ahead to kill me."

"I don't care." And I really don't care. "Keith I'm going to level with you. Olivia and I are no longer together, mostly out of spite and pure childishness, on both our parts but I would really like to know why all of this happened. I spoke with Lily."

Keith scoffs again.

I chose to ignore is outburst. "I spoke with Lily while she was here. Afterwards I called her and she told me you were all drunk and Olivia came on to her but nothing happened, but if you know different please I'm begging." I flash Keith my sincerest eyes I can muster. If I can't break him I'll never know what happened.

"FUCK ME!" Keith almost screams at the sky. "How do I get myself in these situations?"

"Please." The tears gather in my eyes and I look at him with innocent eyes, the same one I used to use on my father.

"Okay, okay. Just stop looking at me like that." Keith laces his fingers on top of his head. "Just promise me this will not get back to Olivia. She can't know you know."

"I can't promise that." Keith groans. "But I can promise that she won't know you told me." I try to cover.

"That's not good enough."

"What if I just say Rodney told me."

Keith looks at me out the side of his eyes, he shakes his head exhaling loudly out of his nose. "Lily is a bitch and I don't mean bitch as in doesn't pass out Halloween candy or as in takes everything in the divorce. She's the kind that doesn't know what the word no means or kills her first born because they were getting all the attention."

"But I saw her children."

"Children!" Keith forces himself to laugh. "She must have shown you that stupid fake picture she been carrying around for the last 10 years."

"Wait start over."

"What don't you understand, she doesn't have any children? Everything she told you was probably a lie."

"Then tell me the truth and from the beginning."

Keith leans against the wall pull out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one out lighting it slowly then taking a long pull off of it.

"Lily and Olivia dated on and off in college. The night before graduation there was a big party at Olivia's place. We were all drinking, just partying." He shrugs his shoulders. "Then Lily kicked everyone out, she just kind of flipped out, but that was kind of normal for her. So we left and headed to another party." He begins to take another pull off the stick.

"Anyway I told Beth that she should check on Lily. She seemed kind of out of it, just a little more than normal. I just didn't have a good feeling about it. About an hour later Beth calls Wolfe and tells her to go check on Olivia. When we got there, Beth nor Lily are anywhere to be found but Olivia was…" He clears his throat shaking his head of the memory. "Shit! The place was mess. There was vomit and blood, she was on the bathroom floor, really pale, like ghost pale…Doris took her to the hospital."

He runs his face over his face. "I was scared shitless. I though Wolfe was going to stroke out right there then I thought whose going to make the call to her brother, I wasn't I knew that much."

I wait silently on pins and needles for the rest of the story. Olivia never mentioned any of this to me. Either she tried to kill herself or someone hurt so much it required medical attention.

"But like always Wolfe took care of it, the next afternoon Olivia was on stage giving her Valedictorian speech. I saw the look she gave Lily, the way she shied away from her but she looked mad as hell." Keith flicks the dying cigarette out then lights another. "Up to that point Beth and Lily had disappeared, but before graduation I caught up with them and asked Lily what happened. She gave me some song and dance about them fighting but nothing happened. I saw the scratch on her face didn't look like nothing to me."

Keith stares into the dying flame of the lighter. "After graduation Wolfe caught her. Apparently Olivia told her what had happened."  
"What?" My voice sounds hoarse and so far away to my own ears. In that second I ask myself if I really want to know what happened, because my stomach drops at the thought of what Olivia could have possibly went through then and now.

"Olivia might have said she was ready for…sex, kinky sex. You know." Keith pokes his finger in and out of his fist. "She said she changed her mind but Lily didn't. Something about being tied to a bed."

"She what?"

"Apparently Olivia got free and left a scratch on Lily' face." Keith drags his finger from the bottom of his ear to under his chin. "Don't let Lily's size fool you. She has plenty of martial arts belts and titles, even taught a woman self defense class on campus. Anyway she got the best of Olivia, but she was high and drunk when Lily…I can't even say the word, you know."

I shake my head trying to put everything together. Lily lied to my face knowing what she had done to my wife. Olivia lied to my in therapy.

"After the graduation we all got into a big fight. Beth didn't believe Olivia, it was her sister after all. I didn't know what to believe you know I wanted to believe that Lily wouldn't do that to Olivia but I saw the bruises, on her wrist, her neck, chest; I saw them. It was Olivia's word against hers. Beth took her sisters side, Rodney and Doris took Olivia's side and me and Tracey we just stayed out of it." He flicks his second cigarette away, blowing out the last of the smoke. "I think that's when Wolfe got kind of overprotective. No one was allowed to talk or touch Olivia without her permission. It got crazy for a while. A couple of nights later someone attacked Lily and cut her with a knife right where Olivia had got her. Everyone thought it was Rodney."

The acid in my stomach starts to bubble into my throat. I had lunch with Lily. I told her about our family and about Olivia, about me. I practically told Olivia I believed Lily over her. I acted like everyone else in her life except Rodney and Doris. They believe her no matter what but I took a total strangers side over hers.

"I remember it was about two years later Beth called me and said Olivia might have been telling the truth, she found out another woman had filed a police report against Lily but her parents offered her money to drop the charges. Turns out Lily told them what happened and they offered Olivia money to keep her mouth shut. I don't know if she took it or not but it was fucked up. Fucked Beth up for a long time, she felt guilty."

"Because she believed Lily."

Keith nods his head acknowledging something in his head. "I should have gone with my gut myself."

As furious as I am I need to stay calm to find out what happened this time. "What about this time? Why did Olivia go back to doing drugs?"

"I'm not 100 percent sure but when we got upstairs Olivia was kind of out of it. She said she fell and dislocated her arm but there was this look in her eyes and not to mention this red ring around her neck. Earlier Rodney had told us they confronted Lily about talking to you, so I just put two and two together. Plus after she had done a couple of line she got real talkative. Said something about Lily spoiling her for you."

I back away from him until I feel the wall behind me holding me upright. How could I have been so stupid to listen to her? Olivia had been trying to tell me the whole time and I was so caught up in thinking she cheated that I couldn't see it. This all happened because I wouldn't listen to what she was trying to tell me.

"Are you going to be okay?" Keith leans over trying to catch my roaming eyes.

"I don't think so." My chest is hurting; my stomach is hurting, my head is hurting.

"Can I go now?" Keith begins to walk away.

"Wait I need to ask you one more thing."

"What now?" Keith huffs.

"Did anything happen while you were…I guess partying."

"You mean did Olivia fuck anyone else."

I nod my head bracing myself for the answer.

"Nah, I mean we tried to set her up but she was too busy telling his red headed bitch about all her problems. If it were me I would have did it but she never did, not that I know of. And let me tell you that girl was persistent."

I let out a deep breathe only for the pain to begin again.

Olivia had been faithful. I've been acting like she cheated this whole time and she didn't.

"Thank you."

"How can I be sure those goons won't attack me as soon as I step foot onto the street."

"Don't worry we got bigger things to do." I wave Keith off. "Johnny!"

Johnny intentionally bumps into Keith as they pass. "What you just going to let him go?' Johnny points at the disappearing figure.

"Yes." I take him by the shoulder turning him back towards me. "I need you to do one more thing for me."

"I'm beginning to think you lied to me earlier."

"I did but not now. This might take a few hours."

"Shoot."

"I need you to find Rodney and bring him to me, tonight."

Johnny's face lights up at my request. I don't know why he doesn't like Rodney but I'll use it to my advantage. I know he will find him in no time the easy way or the hard way.

"You got it." Johnny salutes me turning and walking faster than I have ever seen him.

"Don't kill him."

"I can't promise that."

I watch Johnny leave still not to sure what I am going to do but I need to do something. I need to get a second on Keith's story. Rodney might or might not do it under the threat of violence, but I need someone.

I need someone can trust, someone who isn't scared to be killed by Wolfe for spilling the beans. I need an objective person, who was either there or heard it from Olivia herself. I need Lindsey.  
I walk out of the alley pulling my phone out of my pocket. The phone rings a couple of time before she picks up.

"Oh, what a surprise. I was starting to think you didn't want to talk to me, anymore."

"I need your help."

"Why?"

"I need to see you in person can you get here."

"Of course you're in luck my plane is headed to Texas. I can be there by tomorrow."

I can hear the glee in her voice and it sickens me. "Thank you Lily."

"No problem you're family."

I hang up the phone before I lose it.

One down two to go.

I walk into Lindsey's office and as usual her assistant is sitting at her desk talking on the phone. "Oh, Ms. Rivera, Dr. G is with a patient right now."

"I need to talk to her now."

Right on cue Lindsey exits her office with a short balding man with red eyes.

I barge into the room pulling Lindsey in with me.

"I need to talk to you now." I stomp my foot, the frustration of this whole thing finally catching up with me.

"I can see that." Lindsey pushes the door closed. "What happened now?"

I pace the length of the room trying to release some of my pent up energy. "You know how you told me that there might have been an alternative reason Olivia relapsed?"

"I do."

"You know don't you." I stop pacing look enough to see the guilty look on her face. "Lindsey!"

"Natalia you know I can't tell you anything that Olivia told me during our sessions; doctor, patient confidentiality."

"So not only did you hold this back from me but Olivia lied to me when she said the woman only held her down."

"Maybe."

"Please Lindsey I need you to answer this question. Was it Lily?"

Lindsey cranks her neck walking to her desk. "That sounds familiar but I can't be sure." She bites the inside of her cheek.

"OH my God, why didn't you say anything when I was complaining," I wave my hand. "I know doctor patient shit."

"I wanted to Natalia I even asked Olivia but she said she didn't want you to know."  
I flop onto her couch. "Lindsey I'm going to lose Olivia. I practically told her she was lying and Lily was right, she thinks I'm like everyone else. I don't even know how she can face me knowing I have lunch with her attacker."

Lindsey sits down beside me. "She still loves you."

"I told her not to come back home. I treated her like every else has. I was so selfish I left her, I left her after she said she trusted me and I let her down."

"Well than you'll just have to work harder to get her back. You can still make this right."

"You're right." I sit up straight as the phone in my pocket vibrates.

Johnny has Rodney. That was quick.

"I have to make this right and I know exactly where to start." I stand up determined to show Olivia how much I love her, that I'll do anything for her.

"Natalia what are you planning on doing?" Concern is laced throughout Lindsey's voice.

"I'm going to make it right." I walk out without another word. I have to do this before I come to my sense and back out.

**Rodney**

"What the fuck do you want?" I punch the little Asian punk back.

He only smiles, throwing a wild punch.

I step back feeling only the wind from the swing.

"Missed me." I stick my tongue out continuing to back up.

"You are one fucker.: he laughs in a very sadistic way. " I bet you think you can have anything you want. Huh?"

Just cause I can't stand him I reply. "Yea, that's usually how it works."

"Well not this time. When this is over I'm going to kill you then we'll see."

I have no ideal what he is go on and on about and I don't care. "Yea we will."

"Oh now you got some balls?" He cracks his knuckles.

"Maybe." I swallow my pride ready to beg for mercy if need be.

"Okay come on then." He circles me.

This is stupid. I should at least know what I'm getting my ass kicked for. "Okay." I put my fist up. "But just for laughs I want to know what I'm fighting for."

"Like you don't know. You came here fucking everything up then you expect everyone to be cool with it and welcome you with open arms."

He keeps rambling still not letting me in on the secret. It can't be Olivia, they aren't that close.

"We has a good chemistry before you showed up with your 'Three Musketeers' bullshit." He starts to growl like a animal.

"What are you talking about…you and Dory?"

"It's D you punk bitch." Johnny jumps at me.

I get my hand up higher to block any attack. "Look I don't know what you think you two got going on but what ever it is….I was here first so you back off." I taunt him. He just doesn't know Dory like I do.

"Me!" he shakes his finger in my face. "You don't have what we have. We are connected on another level, something you wouldn't understand." Johnny backs up pulling something from behind his back. "I know what she wants and when. Like I know when she wants someone dead." He points the gun at me.

Fuck, my big mouth keeps getting me in trouble. Should have just taken the ass whooping. Unless…

"She doesn't even have to tell me I just kill them or fuck them up so much they wish they were dead."

"Do it then." Oh yea, I know Doris too. I've known her longer then this kid has been alive. I was there when she collected her first soul. And I also know she has no problem with ordering for someone to be killed and if she wanted me dead I would be buried already.

The gun shakes I my face but he doesn't pull the trigger and with each passing second I feel more confident he won't.

"That's right you can't kill me because she doesn't want me dead, does she?" I almost laugh him. He's a stool pigeon. He can't do much without her permission.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck me? You're the crazy one thinking Doris could or would be with anyone like you." I spit at his feet. "If it were going to be anyone it would be me. You can't handle the smarts, money or the attitude. You would handle a woman like Dory. You two will never have what we had." I got him on the rope now. Poor kid looks like he's going to cry. You've never seen her in all her glory. You've never witnessed her tangled in ecstasy."

The gun pointed at my head drops hanging loosely by his waist. "You're lying; you've never had sex with her."

He doesn't know shit. You can't be in the pack with fucking Doris. Though I hate to admit it, it went both way but the point is I was inside of her. He'll never know that feeling. "All the time."

Visibly his jaw clenches.

I guess I could throw him a bone. "Look kid why don't you just let me go. All this is pointless. Dory is never going to settle down with anyone. Just let it go."

"Let it go, huh?" Johnny takes a step back. "I'll let it go when you're dead." I actually see the butt of the gun before it hits me.

**Natalia**

Johnny finally pulls up to the diner well after 8 pm. Inside the car is a passed out and bleeding Rodney slumped in the passenger seat.

"Johnny!"

"What?" Johnny gets out standing beside me. "He's fine." He reaches through the car window smacking Rodney until her wakes up.

Rodney shakes his head clear looking up at us but he doesn't seem surprised. "Just great, you two are starting to irritate me."

Johnny smacks him again. "You've always talked too much."

I open Rodney's door. "I agree you do talk too much and never about what anyone wants to hear."

"Have you two heard of kidnapping." Rodney rubs the side of his face. His eye is starting to swell. "What do you want?"

"I want the whole story; you, Olivia, Doris, and Lily. You're not leaving until I get it or I'll give you back to Johnny." I lean into the car.

"No way, karate kid can't do shit to me bosses orders." Rodney smiles smugly.

I look at Johnny who is the picture of pissed off.

Fine I guess I'll have to find a different scare tactic. "Johnny give me your gun." As soon as the gun touches my hand I get a flash back to when I shot Nicholas. "I don't work for Doris and I'm sure Olivia won't let me go to prison."

"You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?" I point the gun down at him. It must have a feather trigger, I barely touched the trigger and it goes off. The bullet goes through the seat of his pants leaving a black singed hole in his khakis. We both scream and I drop the gun out of the car trying to get to Rodney to make sure he is okay.

Rodney jumps into the driver seat. "You fucking bitch! You crazy bitch!"

Johnny runs around the car preventing him from escaping.

"Fuck! Okay, okay!" He holds up his hands. "OKAY!"

I don't see any blood so it must have not hit him. I'm shaking like a leaf, I can't even talk.

"Shit, Olivia always knew how to pick them."

**Natalia**

I bounce on my toes as the elevator moves faster than it ever has.

I'm still full of energy and nerves even after what happened. I don't know how Olivia will react, I know Rodney and Doris are up here but I don't care. I hope Rodney didn't tell Olivia what happened.

I don't even know what to tell her. I'm sure I will feel guilty about it much later but right now I feel…vindication.

Okay Natalia this is it, rod in you back not a noodle. Rod in my back.

The doors slide open and I step out with confidence.

Three sets of eyes land on my, one of confusion, one of something close to admiration and one full of fire.

Doris is the first to move but I'm the first to talk. "You two." I point at Rodney and Doris. "Out."

The fire in her eye magnifies into an inferno.

I know I could have phrased that better but I don't have time, this rod is weakening by the second. I don't have the strength to fight with her and Olivia.

Just as about Doris is about to let me have it Rodney get up off the floor stepping in between us.

"Come on Dory." He takes her hand pulling her past me. "I'll explain downstairs. Trust me."

Thankfully she leaves with out much argument.

On to my second task.

I walk around the couch standing in front of Olivia who is sitting down. Her eyes are still over her shoulder like she is waiting for her sidekicks to reappear.

"Olivia." I call her name trying to snaps out of her stupor.

She turns around looking at me in confusion like she can't believe what I just didn't.

"I know you told me you didn't want to talk and you don't have to." I sit down on the couch giving her a little space. I can't control my emotion as the tears start to gather in my eyes.

How could someone do that to Olivia? Why would anyone be that vicious to try to destroy another person?

"Baby I am so sorry. I didn't know."

Olivia's eyes widen in acknowledgment. "You know?" She gasps clutch her chest.

I nod my head.

"How?"

"It doesn't mater what matters is that I know and I'm here."

"No." Olivia jolts off the couch rounding the small coffee table. "I want you to leave."

"No," I stand up trying to close the gap but Olivia keeps moving around the table. "I'm not going anywhere." We move in circles. I can do this all day or at least until she wears out. "I have been acting so immature and egotistical that I couldn't see you were hurting. And there is not enough time in life or words to express how sorry I am."

"No." Olivia stops walking, her eyes so full of pain.

Why couldn't I see it before? "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, the tears falling unchecked. "I trusted you."

"I know and I didn't deserve it." Cautiously I creep towards her. "I'm so sorry I acted the way I did. I should have been there." Finally I'm close enough to touch her. I take her hand in mine closing the space between us, wrapping my arms around her. "Please believe me." Relief floods my body when her arms snake around me.  
"I can't." Even with her words she clings tighter to me.

I lay a single kiss just below her ear drawing small circles on her back.

She buries her face in the crook of my neck and I feel her take a deep breathe.

"Come home."

"No." Olivia breaks our hold stepping away from me.

I try to shake the rejection off. "Please it's the only way we can work this out."

"There nothing to work out." She takes another step back shake her black and golden locks of hair. "We both agreed."

"No you agreed."

"You told me not to come back!"

"Because you were leaving me again!" Okay so this is not the path to take, my words are just going to bite me in the ass. "Please Olivia just listen, I'm sorry and I didn't know but that is no excuse to how I acted."

"I didn't want you to know."

"That's not fair Olivia. What she did-"

"Shut up!" She snaps at me. "Just stop talking. I don't want to talk about it so just leave."

"No I won't, because…" I pause stepping as close as I can to her without her running "Because I love you. I know I haven't been there for you but I'm here and I'm not going to stop loving you. We are a family, a team and I fully plan on putting us back together. I promised them."

Olivia shrinks back away from me. "It's over. And it's not because of what happened or Danny. It's simply because we aren't meant to be. You should have listened to your father."

"Well I disagree. We've just made it hard on ourselves."

"Let it go Natalia."

"I can't, it hurts too much." I match every step she takes.

"Can you just leave?" Olivia backs herself up to the nearest wall staring at her feet.

"If that is what you truly want then yes I will leave but I'll be back." I corner her against the wall taking her hand in mine. She flinches but doesn't resist. I pull her ring out of my pocket and slip it on her finger. "With this ring I am bound and I'll fight for you until I win." I repeat my vows strengthening my resolve. Drying her face with the palm of my hand, I whisper in her ear. "I'll fight for you until I win."

Not waiting for her to respond I turn around pressing the button for the elevators. I can feel her staring at me, but I'm going to follow my instinct something I haven't been doing.

**RODNEY**

"You want to tell me what all this is about?" Doris is livid as I knew she would be. "Rodney tell me."

"You know about two days ago when I told you I was with Johnny."

"When you said he hit you?"

"Yea well we were with Natalia too." I take a step back when she flinches. I know at some point she going to hit.

"Just tell me!"

"She forced me to tell her about Lily. She even shot at me. Then later that morning she made me go to Texas with her and Johnny and one thing lead to another."

"One thing lead to another? That doesn't explain anything." She grabs my shirt choking me.

"It was Johnny's fault. Natalia beat the crap out of Lily and left. But Johnny couldn't let it go. He said he was going to kill her and that's all I know I swear!"

"She's dead?"

Doris's grip eases a bit. I wish I were the one to pull the trigger but Natalia was too busy threatening me. "Johnny did it but you should have heard the shit she was talking to Natalia about Olivia and how she would have her when she wanted. So Natalia went crazy, we had to pull her off of Lily. We left but Johnny said he was going rid of her."

The wind is taken out of her sail. "Rodney tell me you're shitting me." She leans against the nearest wall.  
"I wish I was."

"That's why Beth called me."

"I didn't want to do it but they made me, held a gun to my dick!" I point at it. She know how much I love it. I can't lose it, what kind of man would I be.

"You go check on Olivia and I'll clean up your mess like I always do." She storms off.

Why do I always get blamed for things? "It was them!"

"Rodney!"

Fuck! Why can't she leave me alone? She's just hell bent on give Dory a reason to kill me.

"Rodney, I have a plan."

"You always have one and it's never in my best interest."

"It's not about you, it's about Olivia." Oh god there she goes with the puppy dog eyes and dimples. "She needs me and I need her back with us."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"I know you love her and you want what best. And I also know you know that she belongs with me."

"You sure know a lot of things."

"I do now and I need your help if I'm every going to get her back."

Does she not know Doris is here. She'll take both of us out for plotting against her. "Why should I help you?"

"We both want Olivia to be happy, the way I see she was happiest with me and she can be again."

This woman is really full of herself, like she's the only one who can accomplish that.

"Just give me a week maybe two and if this doesn't work you'll never have to speak to me again, but give me that. I will be forever grateful if you help us."

I did promise Olivia I would help once we came back. I never said how I would help and she never said what she needed help with. So if Doris is just gonna let Johnny keep kicking my ass I might as well form some alliances. "Fine."

"Oh god thank you." She jumps into my arms.

I'm a man I can't help it. I grab her butt. It's so soft. I like Olivia's taste more and more.

"What the hell!" She pulls away and slaps me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry it was just a knee jerk reaction I didn't mean it." Oh my god that was so stupid. I know Olivia said she was done with her but I doubt she'll want to pass her to me. "Please don't tell, I'm so sorry."

She looks pissed. So much for alliances.

"Just meet me tomorrow and if all goes as planned I won't say anything." She flexes her hand like she preparing to hit me. "I'll call you." She walks away with a bounce in her step. She starts skipping out of the door like she's already won.

I hope she knows she has a long road ahead and a big ass deadly road block named Wolfe.

**NATALIA**

"I'm nervous." I shift in my hard chair again. I don't even know how I came up with this plan.

"Stop fidgeting, you're making me nervous." Lindsey tears a few more pieces form her napkin.

"That would make two of us." I pick up a few confetti pieces sticking them to the side of my glass. "What if she doesn't show or she won't talk to me?"

"What if the sky fell or monkeys started to fly. Look just relax, this is your plan so see it through. If she doesn't talk then you will have to keep pushing."

I gulp down the rest of my flat coke. "You're right." I fumble with my sunglasses trying to make them stay on top of my head.

Olivia made this look so much easier.

Most of my agitation and anxiety are the results of not enough sleep. I can't even remember the last time I had a full night of rest. I need my wife beside me even if we are up and down fighting her dreams.

"Lindsey I don't think she is coming." My stomach is upset and it won't settle until I see her. It's been four days since I last seen her. I hope the space I've given her is enough. I hope she's ready to talk and forgive. I am, I need to do this.

"Give her a little time. Oh there they are. It's go time."

Sure enough Olivia and Rodney walk through the doors standing just shy of the entrance. She has on a pair of snug blue jean and a black v neck t shirt. Even when she doesn't try she looks good. Every eye in the bar strays to her as she stands in confidence. Not as much as in the past but Olivia has and always will have that air to her.

"She is beautiful."

"You got it bad."Lindsey laughs.

Lindsey and I duck down in our seat as Olivia scans the bar. She goes to the bar while Rodney walks towards the bathroom. He winks and I give him a high five as he passes our table.

I give the bartender the signal as I approach Olivia.

I stop just short of her waiting for the right time. Its so hard not to just touch her.

"What will it be tonight?' The bartender stops in front of Olivia.

She scans the shelves behind him.

Don't do it baby, be strong.

She huffs her shoulders slumping. "Coke."

"Water it is." He walks away fixing the water.

"Are you deaf?" Olivia's voice gets sort of loud attracting some more attention.

He sits the drink in front of Olivia frowning at me. I know, she's a hand full.

And Action.

I drop my shades down closing in on the bar. "Oh now that's no fun."

Even from behind I see Olivia stiffen at my voice. Her hands ball in to a fist on the bar top.

She doesn't even want to turn around which means she probably won't want to talk. But if it is one thing I know Olivia can't resist me for too long.

The day that happens I might be in real trouble.

A few tense seconds tick by and I can't wait any longer. I turn her bar stool myself making her face me.

She cast her eyes to the floor refusing to look at me.

"I know what you are thinking." I continue my dialogue. "What kind of person wears sunglasses at night and inside?" I lean against the bar.

I half expect her to be amused, I wanted her to laugh, but the look on her face is the complete opposite.

I'm glad I still have my shades on otherwise she might see the worry in my eyes.

Out of no where I see her eyes rake up and down my body. All the way from my high black heels, past my tight denims and resting on my chest covered in a white t shirt and grey vest.

I tried to do my best at imitating what she wore the first night we met. I think she pulled it off better. That's for a later conversation, tonight her appreciative gaze has given me strength to continue.

"I'm being rude, aren't I?" I push my sunglasses up holding out my hand. "I'm Natalia."

Olivia shakes her head holding her hands up. "Whatever this is I'm not playing." She stands up making me take a step back. "Leave me alone."

I stand tall in front of her. If she wants to leave she'll have to go through me. "Baby."

"Don't call me that!"

I talk over her. "It's not a game we need to talk. I want you to come home. If you need more time I understand but I need you. I love you."

Her jaw visibly tightens. "I know how much you love. I felt it when I woke up in your arms, oh wait no you left."

"I'm so sorry you'll never know."

She forces a half hearted laugh. "You're the one who told me not to come back."

"I know what I said. I was angry and confused."

"Stop!" She puts her hands up again demanding space.

"No I want you to know I was being selfish because I felt slighted. I know you left to get clean but it still hurt. And I couldn't see past that hurt." So many thoughts run rampant through my mind. It's hard to hold on to a complete thought without leaving my tongue twisted and tied.

Olivia begins to look around franticly.

I know better than to trap her so I take a step back sitting on the stool behind me.

Hopefully by putting my self at a disadvantage she will feel slightly more empowered.

"What I did-"

Suddenly her lips are upon mine. All of my nervousness flies out of the window.

What starts as a battle for dominance becomes a slow and sensual kiss.

Not only because I give in to her also because of her standing advantage. I could care less who has the advantage as long as this means she will come home with me.

I take hold of her hips pulling her in between my legs. She gasps into our kiss when I slide my hands to her lower back. I move under her shirt grazing her spot with my fingertips.

If it's one thing I know, I know her body. I have it down to a science. Now if I could get her mind down too.

Her hands land on my bicep as she tries to take a step back. Olivia leans back breaking out kiss whispering my name.

I lock my hands behind her not caring about the consequences. A step is too far away. A step is space I'm not ready to concede.

I kiss her again to stop the flow of words I know are coming.

Finally when air is necessary we break apart panting.

"I can't."

"Please." I beg her. I feel the all too familiar prick of defeat on my heart. I bury my face in her shoulder.

The way she smells is hypnotizing, even after a workout or sex she smells great. It's all the original scent of her. I breathe her in letting the scent surround me like a soft blanket on a cold winter night.

"Listen to me." I feel her lips brush against my ear. "I've made up my mind."  
"No, we have to try." I tighten my hold on her, my eyes burning with tears.

"We did." Her hands grip mine easily pulling them apart. "That was it."

How could that be it? I can't let it be. "I love you." I blurt out the words without second thought.

"I love you too."

"Prove it." I look into her eyes daring her with mine.

"I am. I'm letting you go." It sounds so simple and so wrong.

Out the corner of my eye I see Lindsey waving at me. I guess my time is up.

I know I shouldn't have expected so much out of our first encounter. Just like Olivia's pursuit of me I'm going after her.

I stand up closing the gap between us. "I've made up my mind too. I'll see you later."

"Natalia."

"Shh." I place my finger over her lips. "If you ever need someone to show you around, call me." I replace my finger with my lips one last time.

My knees grow weak when her tongue flicks across my lips.

It takes everything in me to tear myself away from her. I walk away from her meeting Lindsey at the door.

"Are you okay?'

"No.' I watch Olivia sit back down at the bar with her back to us.

We exit the bar finding Rodney smoking outside.

"How'd it go?" He coughs on the smoke which doesn't smell like regular cigarette smoke.

Lindsey takes the drug out of his hand throwing it to the ground and stomps on it.

"Sunday." I speak to him rather curtly. I know he is helping but I'm pissed. I want my wife back. Kissing her just makes me miss what we had even more.

"Easier said than done."

"Get her there Rodney." I throw over my shoulder walking away from the bar.

"You're welcome by the way."

I wait outside of the church doors adjusting my low cut dress. It's no where near as risqué as Olivia's but it will have to do.

I don't know how Rodney did it but he got Olivia to show up.

I saw them walk in a few minutes ago. Now all I have to do is gather the nerve to approach her again and the strength not to fall apart if she walks away.

Here goes nothing.

I stand up straighter holding my shoulder high and pushing my chest out.

Walking through the double doors I feel a few eyes fall upon me. I immediately catch Blake's eye and give her the go ahead.

The newly freed Bailey follows her over to Olivia who is standing in the corner talking to Rodney.

Like they practiced the move Blake and Bailey take the spot in front of Olivia as Rodney turns away giving me the thumbs up.

I edge close to where they are. Everything is going smooth so far.

Olivia looks confused and very out of place. It's not like her to stand in the corner of any place. She's always the center of attention and I've turned her into a crab.

Although her being confused is not a bad thing. I want to keep her on her toes like she had me. Never quite knowing where or when I'll show up to woo her.

I can tell Bailey is not a suit and tie man. Just like Rafe he keeps adjusting his tie and collar. In the last twenty seconds he has clipped and unclipped his tie about 5 times. I'm sure he's as nervous like everyone else. I'm sure if Doris every found out Rodney or Bailey were helping she would have their heads.

I signal for Blake to hurry up, my nerves are already shot from the other night. Rejection is a hard thing for me to swallow.

Blake elbows Bailey in his ribs.

"Fuck Binky." Bailey rubs his side.

Blake gives him an evil eye at his nickname for her.

"Oh right sorry." Bailey clears his throat. "What is she doing here?" He says it stiffly and choppy like he was reading form a cue card.

I can see the change in Olivia's posture immediately, obviously she hasn't forgotten, probably the reason she refuses to turn around even thought I'm standing so close behind her.

Blake rolls her eyes, huffing. "Would you just turn around?"

"No, I already told her I'm not playing this game."

I step around her in the middle of there triangle. I feel like everyone is looking at us but I push on. "Since you won't talk I will."

Blake and Bailey give us some room stepping back.

"You didn't trust me enough to tell me that you were having problems. I'm supposed to be your wife and you still can't come to me. I wanted you rely on me like I did you."

"I couldn't." She blurts out the words, regret written all over her face. She pinches her lip shut to keep any more words from coming out.

When it's clear she's not going to continue I do. "Yes you can. All I want to do is be there for you but you won't let me. I can be a pillar for you."

She shakes her head, her finger playing with her wedding ring that I didn't even notice she was wearing.

That has to be a good sign.

I take her hand putting our matching rings beside each other. "You see this."

Her eyes fall to our hands.

"This means a lifetime. I swore to love and protect you. I know I haven't fully practiced the last part, but if you would give me a chance I promise to do the best I can."

Olivia pulls her hand away holding it close to her chest. "You have to stop." She chokes on the words her eye glossing over with water.

"Why? Why would I let the best thing that has ever happened to me slip away?" I comb a stray lock behind her ear like I have so many times before. "I want you to come home."

"I can't."

"Then I'll see you later." I lean in kissing the side of her mouth. She turns her head pulling me in a hungry kiss.

The taste of salty tears mingles with the mint of fresh breathe.

I pull back wiping a few tears off her cheek.

Now I'm sure we have everyone's attention. The noise and movement around us has ceased.

"I'm not worth it." Olivia speaks so softly but full of conviction which breaks my heart to know she feels that way.

It kills me even more to know I treated her that way.

"Give me another chance to show you that you are."

"Natalia." I hear my name whispered.

"If everyone would take a seat." Father Ray comes over the speakers system.

Olivia stares into my eyes before hanging her head down. "Just…stop."

"No."

Olivia didn't even wait until service was over she left and as much as I wanted to follow her I couldn't. I have to give her some space. I really don't deserve a second chance not with the way I acted. I need a second chance, I need my wife.

We meet outside of the church as everyone else leaves. Lindsey is adamant that our plan is working but I'm sure something more could be done. Something is holding Olivia back I need a break through.

"Don't tell me you don't know what the problem is?" Blake huffs.

"Blake if I knew I would have done something about but al I can think of is that she's hurt."

"Of course she's hurt but you have an adversary named Doris Wolfe whispering in her other ear." She points at Rodney. "He's a double agent."

I punch Rodney in his side. "I thought you were on my side."

"I am, but" He holds his hands you to block another punch. "Doris is my friend and she doesn't want Olivia to jump in too fast."

"What did she say?" We all surround him. He'll talk if he wants to keep his hair.

"She just told Olivia to think really hard and don't forget what happened." Rodney sneers at Blake.

"Olivia will never come around if Doris tells her not to, we have to talk to her." I turn to Blake. "Please?"

"Oh no, I'm finished talking to her."

"Fine." I guess I'll have to do it myself. Olivia is worth doing battle with her.

I march into the so called Mayor's office. How dare she interfere with our relationship? I know she doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual but I will not stand by while she talks behind my back trying to break up our family.

I push her door open; it bangs against the wall behind it. I hope it puts a hole in the wall. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Rodney jumps in his seat beside Doris's big desk. He looks truly scarred…for me.

In an unusual slip of her emotionless façade, Doris's mouth twist in anger, her eye jump in surprise then darken in anger before settling back into their normal place. All in a second her face changes from surprise to anger to nonchalant.

"To what do I owe this visit?"

Her assistant comes in skidding to a halt. "I tried to stop her-"

Doris puts up her hand stopping her from further explanation. "Close the door please."

I stand in front of her desk waiting for her answer.

As soon as the door closes her face shift back to anger, something I can say I have rarely seen from the Mayor. I almost didn't think she was capable of many emotions. "You-"

I stop her before I exploded. "My name is Natalia. Not You, her, Olivia's girlfriend, wife or significant other I would appreciate it if you referred to me as such."

Her lips press together. I don't know it she's thinking or too upset to speak. Right now I don't care I have bigger things to think about but I came to give her a piece of my mind so I can't back down now. "I want to know this instant what you don't like. Why is it every time I turn around you are whispering in Olivia's ear about me?"

"I-"

"No, I told you at the wedding I would fight you and I will. You had your chance with Olivia now it is mine so stop interfering with our marriage. I get that you're her best friend and as her friend you should want to see her happy and she is happy with me and our family." I shout at her. "Yes I messed up but I'm trying to make it up. We were happy and we can be again." She is still frowning but the anger lines have disappeared from her forehead.

"Are you-"

"No I'm not finish I won't be for a long while." I huff but all the fiery has left me stand feeling rather run down. I take a seat in one of her chairs. Calmly I ask her one simple question that as plagued me from the beginning. "Why don't you want us together?"

She waits looking at me, trying to see if I will interrupt her again. "I don't like you."

I can't say I'm surprised I already knew that.. "Why? I haven't done anything to you." I am barely able to squeak the question out.

"Why do we have to have this conversation every year, I just don't."

"So because you don't like me you're trying to break us up?"

"Of course not, I'm not that petty. But let me tell you, you are doing a better job of that than I ever could." She leans back in her thousand dollar black leather chair.

I know it because I don't like her but she look like an evil villain. I can just see leaning in that chair plot her next evil deed.

I don't know if I cold seriously win against her and Rodney. If they wanted they could probably gang up and tear Olivia away from me forever. "I think you are that petty. I think you realize that you want what we have and you want Olivia." I challenge her giving her my best motherly don't you dare lie to me look. "If you can't be happy no one can."

"You're right I do want Olivia." She leans forward as a gasp escapes me without permission. "A long time ago I wanted Olivia more than I wanted anything and did everything I could to be with her. And you know what happen I won. I was with her for all of a week."

"Now you want her back?" I tell her, my hand shaking in anger. It aches to reach up and slap her.

"No, now I want her to be happy, I want her to stay clean, I want the best for her. And let me tell you something I will not let you or anyone else get away with hurting her. All I want is to protect her."

Maybe it's the slight waver in her voice or the intense look in her eye but I believe her. I know she would do anything for Olivia. She has proven time and time again, dropping everything in a second to be her protector. I believe her but that does change how I feel. "I get it. I do. Olivia is like family to you and you are feeling guilty for the years of drug abuse you watched, but Olivia is a grown woman, she can make decision for her self without holding your hand. And as far as being her protector goes that's my job. I am her wife and what ever is going on I can help her through."

"I guess protection for you is running off with your boy crush instead of working things out."

Yep that hurt, a lot because it's true. "I deserved that. I know. I hurt Olivia because she hurt me when she went off to play with you and Rodney."

Doris stands slapping her desk.

Both Rodney and I jump.

She leans over her desk towards me. "Off to play! You think watching your best friend puke up everything is fun. You think sitting in a dark room while she recounts every second of her assault is fun. You think I like to hear how I failed to protect her on so many occasions is fun!" Her voice rises surprising me even more. I never thought I would see the day Mayor Wolfe, the cold hearted bitch she can be would cry. The tears shine bright in her eyes and I can't believe she lets them fall. "You don't know shit about our relationship and what we've been through. You don't know the time and effort we put into helping her get clean. You don't the shit I've had to deal with while we were in a so called rehab. So don't you fucking come in here and tell me we went away to have fun."

I lower my voice. "I don't want to get in a pissing contest with you, all I want is for you to back off so I can talk to her without your input. I know I did wrong and I acted so immaturely it is unforgiveable but I am trying to make it right. If you would let her give me a chance. Please."

Rodney looks back and forth between us like a tennis match ref.

Doris stays quite so I decide to take it as a yes.

"Thank you."

"I didn't say yes." She sits down calmly.

"You don't have to, and I promise to make this right."

She fold her hands leaning back in her chair. "The only reason is because I know what you did."

My jaw drops and I look at Rodney who refuses to look at me. "I just wanted to protect and defend her."

"That's all I want."

I turn walking to the door.

"I just want to tell you this. You have one more chance with Olivia and if you every hurt her again…" Doris walks around her desk opening the door for me. She inches from my face. "I don't care how many children you have or how Olivia protest I will kill you with my hands and no one will ever find you."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I promise." I walk out of the office with my head high, now to prove it to the one person that counts.

So out last meeting didn't turn out the way I would have liked but like I said I have more tricks up my sleeve.

I might have broken the law with this last scheme but it's for a good cause.

Blake has the limo on standby, Olivia's car is already gone and I'm in position. All I need is for Olivia to walk out of the store.

I sit for another 10 minutes before she emerges.

She walks out of the store with her clicker in hand. She presses the button listening.

"Olivia!" I yell her name while she looks for her car. I catch up to just a little out of breathe and nervous. "We gotta stop meeting like this."

Olivia huffs rolling her neck. "Did you steal my car?" She sounds mad.

"No… but do you need a ride?" I pull out my phone speeding dialing Blake. I slide the phone back in my pocket, just like she did.

The only problem is things aren't going as smoothly as they did then. We stand in the middle of the parking lot for what seems like an hour. Olivia stares at me, her jaw tight.

"It'll be here in a minute." I laugh nervously. Where the hell is Blake?

"Natalia this is ridiculous."

The black stretch limo finally pulls beside us.

"I'd be happy to give you a ride any where you want."

Olivia rolls her eyes, and then I see it. A small but noticeable smile creeps onto her lips. "Did I come off as superficial?"

"No but get in anyway." I open the door waiting for her to get in.

"No, now where is my car?" She stumps her foot.

We both stand off against each other waiting.

Blake gets out of the car leaning against the hood of the car. "Olivia if you don't get in this car I swear to God. I didn't just get a 200 dollar ticket for nothing. Now get in." Blake growls, her face red as a cherry.

"Please." I pled with her taking in her appearance for the first time in days. She looks worn down. The lines on the face and dark circles under her eyes are more prevalent. Her eyes are a dull green and whites are a tinted red.

Sometimes I forget this is taking as much a toll on her as it is me. Not only is she dealing with us but trying to recover from a relapse resulting from almost being raped.

I take her hand pulling her to the opening of the door. With a second of hesitation she climbs into the car.

I follow her closing the door behind me and suddenly I have nothing to say. So I start the DVD player.

Our wedding video starts to play.

Olivia's eyes instantly water glued to the scene on the small television.

"I think you've cried enough." I catch her chin making her look at me instead of the video. "Don't you think?"

Olivia bites her lip down casting her eyes.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"I can't."

"Me neither. I need you beside me."

A single tear escapes from the pool in her eyes as she nods her head.  
"Come home."

"I can't." She sobs leaning into me with her head on my shoulder. "I want to but I can't. You left me."

"I know, I'm sorry baby. Words could never express." I rock Olivia against my body. She relaxes just little, her body falling heavily against me. I can feel her trembling in effort to keep from falling completely apart.

"Come here." I scoot back against the door stretching my leg the long way on the seat. Olivia crawls into my lap laying her head on my chest.

I hold her tight against my chest trying to stop her from shaking.

Did I do this to her? She seemed to be doing better before I ruined it. I wonder if she puts me in the same category as all her other sexual partners. I can't even call them lovers, they didn't love Olivia. No one could love Olivia like I do, but not many have hurt her like I have. I have to fix it.

"I got you." I look down at her fluttering eyelids. Once again her eyes are glued to the video playing.

Olivia climbs a little high tucking her head under my chin. "You were happy, right?"

"Always." I rub small circle on her back watching the scene unfold until I feel her breathing even out.

"Blake?"

The divider lowers, "Where to?"

"Take us to the hotel garage."

"Sure thing."

I lay in the dark limo still holding my broken wife. She's been sleeping for almost two hours. She barely moved when I rolled her on her side onto the seat. She only squirmed to get closer to me before fall back into a deep sleep.

I made sure to keep her close and her grip on my shirt hasn't eased since.

I still can't believe I let it get so out of control. I don't know how we let so much dedication and love be ruined in a span of a summer.

"I love you." I whisper kissing Olivia's temple.

She snuggles closer to me then begins to wake up.

Her eyes open staring into mine. The fog of sleep begins to lift unveiling shock.

"I'm still here." It's all I can think of because clearly she didn't believe I would be.

Olivia doesn't respond, she simply lays her head back on my arm.

I lay down nestling my forehead against hers. "You want to go upstairs?"

Olivia closes her eyes the tears soaking her eyelashes. "Yes."

When we get up to the penthouse Olivia has again established a space between us.

"Can I get you something?" She steps off the elevator slowly walking to the kitchen.

"I'm fine Olivia."

She piddles around in the kitchen moving things then putting them back.

I enter the kitchen watching her shoulder sink lower by the second. "Olivia, come here." I hold my arms out.

Olivia stops her fiddling and closes the gap between us. "You need some rest and don't say you can't."

Still Olivia shakes her head no.

"Yes." I walk her to the bedroom lying down beside her on the bed.

After a few minutes of lying with her it's clear she's not going to sleep. "Tell me what I can do to make it better."

Olivia rolls away from but scoots back to my body. "Nothing."

"Then talk to me and let me know why."

We lay in silence for a long while.

"The way you were looking at me."

"When?" I prop myself up on my elbow looking down at her.

"The disappointment in your eyes was killing me."

I shake my head even though she can't see me. "I was worried."

Olivia curls in to herself. "It was killing me and I needed time to think because I wanted to tell you. I did. I was going to but I didn't want you to know I had been drinking and look at me like everyone else does."

"I would never."

"You did." Her shoulders begin to shake.

"I…" I put my hand on her shoulder only for her to push me off practically jumping off the bed.

"You used me Natalia!" Olivia screams.

"I'm sorry."

"NO, NO. That's not enough!" She screams so loud I'm sure the floor beneath us can hear. Olivia lowers her voice leaning against a wall. "What hurt the most is that you wouldn't even talk to me. I called you so many times and I came to see you because I knew that if you saw me or talked to me you would…You fucked me and ran to him."

"No." Her words hurt but I can't deny most of them are true.

"You did it to hurt me." She points accusingly at me.

"Olivia please."

"You used me because you know I would be hurt, because I hurt you." Olivia hides her face in her hands. "I didn't mean to hurt you I swear."

I scramble off the bed standing in front of her. "You're right, I was hurting. You hurt me and I couldn't get past that. I couldn't but I never ever wanted to hurt you the way I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I take Olivia's hands. "But I'm here now begging for another chance. Please give us another chance."

"I don't want you here." Olivia pulls out of my grasp.

"You do, it's just like you said, too stubborn for your own good. God Olivia I love you-"

The words seem to be the breaking point, she cuts off the rest of my words screaming at me. "You can hardly look me in the eye and you came here to tell me you love me."

My emotions boil over too. "You want to know why it's so hard for me to look you in the eye…huh? Because before you left you died. You almost died in my arms while I was screaming for help and just praying for you to hold on. Your eyes rolled back and I thought that was it. No more fighting, no more hug, no more dinners. It would all end on a cold bathroom floor."

Olivia looks at me with her jaw tight.

"You don't know how hard it was for me to see you in the back of an ambulance again. I saw them shock you, Olivia. They shoved a tube down your throat." I put my hands on her chest feeling the erratic beating of her heart. "You weren't breathing, you were gone and all I think about was what I did or didn't do. What would I tell our children?"

Olivia's eyes soften.

"You died Olivia and every time I close my eyes I see you lying there. I can't even go in my own bathroom because I see you there. I have panic attacks when you close a door because I wonder if I'll be too late this time or God forbid Rafe or Emma find you." I back up putting room between us. "What really hurts is that you don't seem to care. You act like it never happened. While I'm worried sick to my stomach you run off without even seeing me before you left." I walk around the bed for more space. "Why do you think I've been trying to distance myself from you? Why would I give myself to a person who is hell bent on killing themselves."

Olivia stares at the floor, shaking her head.

"God Olivia you don't know what it is like to sit in that hospital being asked questions I can't answer. And to top it all off Rick tells me you tried to kill yourself and this wasn't the first time!"

"I didn't."

"Stop lying for two seconds!" I scream at her. "I am being as honest as I can so help me Olivia and do the same."

Slowly she nods her head. "I'm sorry."

I walk back to her lowering my voice. "Things have been very tough and no one person is to blame. But I will take full responsibility for the way I acted. I thought I hated you, I tried but I love you too much." I take her face in my hands, waiting until she looks up at me. "There is nothing else to say about it. If you don't trust me I get why. But I can't be happy without you. I can't."

Olivia nods her head again. "I do trust you just not with this." She points at her heart.

I try to keep a beaten look off my face. I can't give up just yet. I know I can get through to her.

Olivia's eyes jump from me to the bed and back. Her legs are shaking and her hands are wound tightly together.

"You need to rest." I sit on the bed kicking my shoes off. I crawl up to my knees at the end of the bed in front of her. "If you don't want this to mean anything that's fine, but come lay down with me so you can sleep."

"I'm fine." Even as she says this she move to the foot of the bed

"Even I can see you're anything but fine." I move closer to her pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I won't push for anything so just lay down." I take her hand gently pulling her closer to the oversized bed. "I do want you to know I never stopped loving you and I'm willing to give you all the time you need."

"Thank you." She whispers ducking her head under my chin.

A few seconds of standing in my arms Olivia's tongue running along my collarbone.

"Olivia?"

Aggressively Olivia pushes me down holding my hands above my head. The look in her eye could scare a person. But I know what she's doing. She's asserting her dominance over me, taking back the power.

I lay submissively determined not to struggle with her. I know she won't take it far not in this state. She just needs to prove a point. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind.

She straddles my hips ducking down nipping at the column of my neck.

I bite my lip to keep from moaning. Even though I know what she's doing and that this is wrong, my body can't help but react.

She rises up looking down at me.

"If this will make you feel better go ahead."

Her eyes soften as she repositions herself between my legs. She lets go of one of my hand running hers down my body. First unbuttoning my shirt and squeezing my breast almost until it hurts. Her eyes stay glued to my free hand making sure I don't move.

Her fingertips trail just above the low cut waist band of my jeans. Then as suddenly as she started Olivia backs off standing up from the bed.

I sit up on the bed watching Olivia pace the room. "I love you."

"No, you don't." She rakes her hands roughly through her hair. "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone."

I get up onto my knees trying to keep the smile off my face. She said love instead of loved, the tide just might be shifting. "I love you too."

Olivia clears her throat. "I finally figured out why I couldn't come to you with my problem."

I sit back on my heels waiting for her to continue.

"I started to have these thoughts and dreams about you. You would do these things when I said no, I begged you." She starts to wear a hole in the carpet. "It used to be you would save me, but then you turned in to them. You held me down and the look you gave me…" Her voice breaks so much I can't comprehend what she is saying. But I don't need to.

"I would never."

"I know. I know that now." Finally she looks into my eyes smiling just a bit. "I believe that."

"Never forget it."

Olivia holds her hand out to me. "Prove it."

I take it standing off the bed.

"I love you." Olivia whispers in my ear.

I have to calm myself down by counting to ten. Right now I feel like flipping over this building. "I love you more."

Olivia kisses me so softly I could cry. When we pull apart Olivia pulls off her shirt slinging it in the corner.

"What are you doing?" I laugh nervously because I would love to make love to my wife, but I know this is not the time. We've just started to make some leeway in reconciling.

Olivia doesn't speak instead she steps out of her jeans, standing in front of me in a dark purple underwear set. Even as pale as she looks Olivia is gorgeous.

"I'm not scared of you in fact I've come to a different conclusion." Olivia pushes me back onto the bed crawl on top of me. Her eyes are a smoky green full of desire and loss."I love you so much that I am willing to beg in front of this entire town." She unbuttons my pants pulling my knee up to her hip. "You wouldn't believe how many times I called your voice mail just to hear your voice. Or how many times I've cried over our wedding photos."

I listen to her words almost stunned at her actions. "Olivia maybe we should-"

"Shh." Olivia stretches out on top of me. She retakes me wrist pinning them beside my head all the while nipping and sucking on my neck. "If you love me so much prove it. Right now love me."

"I can't." Her grip loosens as her body begins to shake. "It wouldn't prove anything for us have sex. But I will prove by being here for you. Everyday I'm going to come here show you just how much you mean to me. If we have me, Rafe, and Emma will reserve a room at this hotel and stay here until you decide to some home."

"Natalia?"

"Baby?" I roll us on our side rubbing my hand down her arm.

"Natalia?"

"Yes." I move back so I can look her in the eyes. The desire and fear are replaced with an unmistakable glow of love. I run my finger down her arm watching the goose bump form.

"Just…one last time. Can we make love one last time? I need that."

I feel everything in me seizes up. I thought we were having a breakthrough. She's testing me. I swallow a big chuck of my pride and sorrow, trying my best not to cry.

"I love you and nothing can change that." I sit up swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "These last couple of months have taught me so much about myself. But the number one thing is that I can't be happy without you, no matter how much I tried to hate you." I turn back to Olivia spinning my ring around my finger.

"I never wanted to hurt you, but I did just that using you for my own pride. I am truly sorry and I understand if you can't or won't forgive me because I can't do it myself but if you could find something, anything in your heart for us to try again I promise to never leave your side. I don't care if we never have sex again. I just want to be able to tell you every day that I love you when you get home. I want to see you smile and play without children. I want to be your wife again, I want us."

Olivia just stares at me.

"If you in your heart of hearts know that you don't want to be with me…"

Olivia climbs off the bed retrieving her shirt. She walks to the open door looking out into the living room.

This time I can't stop the sob from erupting from my chest. If she walks out on me I don't know what I'll do.

Instead of walking out Olivia closes the door leaning back against it, slowly sliding down to the floor. "The dream I had about you."

My chest begins to burn and I realize I'm holding my breath. I don't care if I never breathe again, so I concentrate on hanging on to every word Olivia speaks.

"It didn't start until around the time we…I had had it before then but it started up again until it was happening every night. And I didn't know how to stop it. So I started drinking thinking at least I can control that. It just seemed like all these thought were running through my head about how you saw me and how everyone else saw me." She pulls her knees up to her chest laying her forehead on them. "You left me to fend for myself."

I crawl off the bed sitting on my knees beside her. "You know I would protect you with my dying breath if I had to." I slide my legs around her body pulling her into the cocoon of my arms.

"That's what I thought." Olivia leans into me her non-stop tear soaking my open shirt. "But then you left, I thought I had gotten over the dream, that I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I thought you felt that change and you wanted me back."

I pull back looking her in the eyes.

"I did everything you asked of me." The look in her eye is killing me.

"I know I was just too blind to see the effort you were making."

She leans back into me wrapping her arms around me squeezing until it hurts.

"Don't do that again."

"Never."

"I don't want to feel like that again."

We sit in total silence. I let the relief flood through my body but there is still so much that needs to be said."If this has any chance of making it, I want us to go back to therapy." I swallow the lump in my throat. I just got her back and already making demands. "I want that so we can really trust each other. And I know Doris and Rodney are you confidants but I need you to let me in too even if I can't help or it seems silly to you."

"Okay."

"Actually I've been thinking and you were right I let sex cloud my mind with you but that only because it was the only time I felt like you opened up to me. Sometimes it feels like it is the only part you save for me, but no more…no more sex until we both feel healed and trusting."

Olivia laughs into my chest.

"I'm serious."

"I know."

"One more thing."

Olivia lifts her head, her face pulled down in to a worried frown.

"Say you love me."

Her face light up. "I love you Natalia."

"I love you more."


End file.
